{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":0.0,"endTime":8.4,"body":"Music."},{"startTime":8.348,"endTime":11.114,"body":"This is belonging"},{"startTime":10.994,"endTime":18.649,"body":"a podcast that explores being alive in the age of loneliness I'm your host Becca piastrelli,"},{"startTime":18.736,"endTime":29.308,"body":"a writer mother and Community tender currently living on the ancestral lands of the Coast Miwok people in present-day Marin County California."},{"startTime":30.592,"endTime":36.564,"body":"In this show we explore topics like Rites of Passage cultivating meaningful community."},{"startTime":36.768,"endTime":42.109,"body":"Seasonal and cyclical living and what it means to be a good ancestor in these times."},{"startTime":42.79,"endTime":53.776,"body":"I have thought-provoking conversations with friends teachers elders and ancestral medicine Keepers to help support you in bringing more meaning and connection to your life."},{"startTime":54.52,"endTime":64.363,"body":"I also pop in here and there to share updates and learnings from my own story because we were meant to do this together cosmically holding hands as we walk the spiral of life."},{"startTime":65.143,"endTime":71.979,"body":"You can expect to be challenged by New or Old ideas face your beliefs and what systems informed them."},{"startTime":72.255,"endTime":79.261,"body":"Curious and brave to tell the truth about the deeper harder things and feel comforted in the knowing that you don't."},{"startTime":79.12,"endTime":88.08,"body":"Music."},{"startTime":87.928,"endTime":98.121,"body":"Friends welcome to another episode of belonging it's Becca piastrelli here really feeling the shift here seasonally."},{"startTime":98.604,"endTime":109.743,"body":"From Spring to Summer here in Northern California I often begin my intros if you've noticed by talking about seasonally."},{"startTime":110.154,"endTime":114.037,"body":"What I'm feeling and what I'm seeing and what I'm sensing,"},{"startTime":114.16,"endTime":123.544,"body":"so if you're someone who's like why should I talk about the weather I actually think we need to normalize talking about the weather and not seeing it as something awkward or like filler."},{"startTime":123.883,"endTime":125.668,"body":"But actually a way for us to."},{"startTime":125.926,"endTime":138.037,"body":"Re weave the threads of connection to the living world even though we are in our you know well plumbed and temperature-controlled homes for which we are grateful I'd say most of us but not all of us right,"},{"startTime":138.187,"endTime":146.049,"body":"there is a way in which noticing how the land is responding and moving through."},{"startTime":146.352,"endTime":160.462,"body":"It's seasonal cyclicality wherever you are even if you're on the equator that reconnects us to you know outside of the boxes that have the processors and the beeps and the boobs and the you know,"},{"startTime":160.513,"endTime":164.243,"body":"the robots replacing the computers,"},{"startTime":164.339,"endTime":174.811,"body":"you know we're not computers we are ancestral animals and we are seasonal and cyclical to so here I am in this practice of saying to you,"},{"startTime":174.908,"endTime":184.138,"body":"it is the beginning of June 2022 and the Gregorian year and I feel summer,"},{"startTime":184.279,"endTime":193.041,"body":"I feel the ripening of the fruit although my garden which was completely wiped out night to start over again three weeks ago by,"},{"startTime":193.191,"endTime":201.008,"body":"Heat Wave then it was gone and I planted the seedlings too soon you know card and drama my garden is a late-blooming garden,"},{"startTime":201.086,"endTime":203.259,"body":"because it faces North,"},{"startTime":203.283,"endTime":215.637,"body":"into the sun's just hitting it now so we're getting the flowers and the butterflies and the pollinators bees buzzing like crazy and in the pollination happens to the fruit it's just"},{"startTime":215.616,"endTime":221.542,"body":"but I feel in my body The Slowdown and I've had to tell you I felt a little sad"},{"startTime":221.512,"endTime":228.735,"body":"about the Slowdown coming a little too quickly so this is just my seasonal cyclical story."},{"startTime":228.948,"endTime":241.023,"body":"Of every year as the wheel turns finding my way through it and unlearning all this stuff from the system I was born into I've been really jazzed this past spring,"},{"startTime":241.119,"endTime":250.818,"body":"I've been really Jazz to bring you amazing conversations on this podcast I've been super into sharing information on."},{"startTime":251.031,"endTime":255.517,"body":"Social media I've gotten really into recording videos on Instagram"},{"startTime":255.397,"endTime":264.591,"body":"it's been a really beautiful way to be creative and expressive I've Loved Reviving my newsletter that I renamed slow and seasonal and really"},{"startTime":264.399,"endTime":280.327,"body":"I've made it a devotional way to connect with my email list I was so pumped to launch tending the flame the home practice I'm really pumped about this Workshop this live Workshop that I'm Reviving and teaching at the end of June."},{"startTime":280.558,"endTime":291.355,"body":"If you're listening to me around the time that this is published passage craft which is my two-and-a-half-hour weekend Workshop where I."},{"startTime":291.64,"endTime":297.314,"body":"Bring together people who want to create their own ritual to bring more meaning to"},{"startTime":297.167,"endTime":311.511,"body":"moment in their lives whether it's in the past or coming up something I really love and I'm feeling energy in my body energy and capacity to hold space and teach live and feel connection so if you're interested in that"},{"startTime":311.49,"endTime":320.27,"body":"Link in the show notes or go to passage craft those two words to make one word I made it up.com passage cracked.com if you're interested in joining us."},{"startTime":320.627,"endTime":324.6,"body":"But yeah I have felt so pumped."},{"startTime":325.092,"endTime":334.314,"body":"I'm really healing and coming back alive and a lot of that has to do with my Wellness protocol that I've really put into place"},{"startTime":334.284,"endTime":342.236,"body":"of maybe I'll share that someday soon but I just have to say all my love to the mushroom world"},{"startTime":342.215,"endTime":348.303,"body":"they have been very very supportive to me so I'm feeling better and feeling excited and then"},{"startTime":348.273,"endTime":361.546,"body":"summer slowdown is starting to say hi it's time to rest and play and be in the garden and eat fruit with your child in a pool and go adventuring and rivers and."},{"startTime":362.146,"endTime":366.173,"body":"Yeah just feel that and want to honor that."},{"startTime":366.683,"endTime":373.969,"body":"And there's this excitement I have in the in working again frankly working and I love my work"},{"startTime":373.795,"endTime":389.876,"body":"that makes me resist you know that feeling of like the day is done but you're so Jazz and you're working like I just want to keep going and then you keep going and then you're like whoa that was too long I went too far I haven't eaten or drank water or I've had too much coffee or you know I'm crashing hard and so."},{"startTime":390.179,"endTime":393.279,"body":"I'm feeling a little sadness that."},{"startTime":393.537,"endTime":401.669,"body":"The playful summer is arriving and also like wow that was a Becca way to go on a great spring season for you."},{"startTime":402.152,"endTime":403.739,"body":"And way to follow."},{"startTime":403.97,"endTime":417.459,"body":"Way to follow your body's cues I'm like literally patting myself right now my body and really trusting that the slowness okay so this is for me I'm not telling you how to do your summer and I'm not telling you how to do your spring."},{"startTime":417.681,"endTime":426.38,"body":"Particularly if your body is in a different season because I was in Winter for a while but trusting that Me sewing down over summer."},{"startTime":427.178,"endTime":430.863,"body":"Always serves the Harvest of fall for me so."},{"startTime":431.49,"endTime":440.144,"body":"Testing what is happening there and just trying to manage all this new excitement and creativity that's flowing upwards and me,"},{"startTime":440.294,"endTime":449.075,"body":"the surprising kind of a feeling it's very exciting it's a little overwhelming and I'm remembering to play with it play with it,"},{"startTime":449.135,"endTime":457.402,"body":"yeah saver what's here right now so that's actually a pretty great way to segue into this episode today."},{"startTime":457.876,"endTime":463.073,"body":"It's a conversation with my friend Tracy Benjamin otherwise known as shutter Bean."},{"startTime":463.34,"endTime":469.033,"body":"On the internet like Tracy is like old-school food blogger one of the big ones,"},{"startTime":469.138,"endTime":480.474,"body":"and shutter being on Instagram and probably other places and she's been walking for a long time and a food blogger but that that is shifted"},{"startTime":480.355,"endTime":490.539,"body":"and I like ones like worshipped her when I was like you know she was just one of the big ones was back when I speak blogger called the dab a list maybe shout out to those of you who knew me back then or follow me that"},{"startTime":490.491,"endTime":492.88,"body":"and then we became friends,"},{"startTime":493.048,"endTime":501.486,"body":"he became friends and I watched her go through some massive experiences and she watched me go through some massive experiences and we happen to live one town over from each other."},{"startTime":501.897,"endTime":515.763,"body":"And then I witnessed her and her grave after her mother died her mother died very suddenly in 2017 right before Thanksgiving sure the story and I watched her grieve openly."},{"startTime":516.31,"endTime":525.927,"body":"The privately as a friend but mostly openly in she created this hashtag keep grief weird and I watched how she was just did such a service."},{"startTime":526.383,"endTime":531.571,"body":"And felt such a connection through her grief story of losing her mother their mother's death"},{"startTime":531.433,"endTime":545.939,"body":"and so we have been trying to record this episode for like eight months and just like a flat tire would happen or I'd have to cancel or you know that Alice wouldn't sleep well and I couldn't you know form words or whatever it is or you know we weren't ready,"},{"startTime":546.026,"endTime":554.473,"body":"your tender moment happened a group trigger so finally I went over to her house with all my gear and,"},{"startTime":554.551,"endTime":564.232,"body":"send her beautiful what she tells her playroom her art room her it was her childhood playroom that is now she looks in the house she grew up in just now her office and."},{"startTime":564.49,"endTime":567.661,"body":"We hit record and talked so."},{"startTime":568.19,"endTime":582.317,"body":"Consider this your content warning for anyone who is maybe feeling tender around this I think it's an incredibly supportive conversation where you can listen to her story and,"},{"startTime":582.404,"endTime":593.561,"body":"it's hard to hard one to listen to tell so beautiful and filled with a full range of emotions but if today's feeling tender around maybe a loss of experience you can wait"},{"startTime":593.495,"endTime":601.33,"body":"or skip I just I think whether you've lost someone or not we all will you know we all this will touch us grief there,"},{"startTime":601.426,"endTime":609.567,"body":"death and grief touches us all and that's something I'm really it's important in my work in my writing and in my podcast that we."},{"startTime":609.807,"endTime":614.959,"body":"Consistently are reminded of that in this death phobic grief phobic Society,"},{"startTime":615.055,"endTime":622.629,"body":"despite our best efforts we can protect ourselves from these things and so how do we lean into an embrace it as much as we Embrace birth"},{"startTime":622.482,"endTime":632.523,"body":"so I think this is an episode I've really been looking forward to Bringing to you with that intention with that deep prayer for us all to make relatives with."},{"startTime":633.15,"endTime":639.806,"body":"To be in deeper relationship with"},{"startTime":633.15,"endTime":639.806,"body":"death whatever that means for you,"},{"startTime":639.956,"endTime":650.149,"body":"so snuggle up or keep driving you're like me you're listening these are driving and let's dive into this conversation."},{"startTime":650.0,"endTime":660.08,"body":"Music."},{"startTime":661.066,"endTime":673.087,"body":"I'm so happy to be in person talking to you person person to person body to body were exchanging energy in person it's really nice swear in your magical."},{"startTime":673.714,"endTime":683.314,"body":"Iris I call it playing that was your childhood play room because you're living in the home that you grew up in yes so this is my office and I have,"},{"startTime":683.437,"endTime":695.107,"body":"exercise equipment in here that I don't use that we won't show yeah you won't see it it's just I just accidentally told you about that but literally behind my desk is the Peloton whoo and,"},{"startTime":695.176,"endTime":703.299,"body":"it's just always in my frame unless I decide to cover it and I you have that nice backdrop in your videos that I like,"},{"startTime":703.431,"endTime":708.547,"body":"it's such a pain to put up I barely put it oh yeah have you ever dropped any of those plants or like"},{"startTime":708.535,"endTime":719.512,"body":"yeah and I also pulled out my chair and I hit it and it just fell over everything crashed and soil went everywhere and it was on the zoom live."},{"startTime":719.842,"endTime":730.747,"body":"For my book launch and I and I just I froze with a weird smile on my face like yeah and I just waited for someone to tell me what to do and it seems like Becky okay."},{"startTime":731.077,"endTime":741.117,"body":"Okay yeah wow yeah this modern day life these days with zoom and all kinds of things like that yeah so it's great to be in person with you."},{"startTime":741.357,"endTime":750.993,"body":"How long have I known you I don't know it's been a long time I've been blogging for like 15 years so probably I think I met you in 20."},{"startTime":751.26,"endTime":760.913,"body":"12 2012 whoa 10 years that's crazy yeah Cooper was teeny yeah he's 13 now so he was like three,"},{"startTime":761.018,"endTime":764.208,"body":"I think I maybe I moved here when I,"},{"startTime":764.331,"endTime":777.0,"body":"not you was he had just moved back to Erin okay here in the South Bay I was like deep in the trauma yeah and I was in Oakland yeah space world yeah oh my gosh."},{"startTime":777.276,"endTime":780.826,"body":"And when did you make it to Marin 2016."},{"startTime":781.03,"endTime":791.098,"body":"Okay you had a cute place in Mill Valley I had a cute little witch Cottage yeah mold by the way you know but you were like so close to the library that is great,"},{"startTime":791.194,"endTime":796.175,"body":"it was fun they had lots of gatherings there it had that place had really good energy,"},{"startTime":796.343,"endTime":806.816,"body":"I did yeah I think it was like right near Josephine Street which is like my grandma's name and so I always was like what's up Joe."},{"startTime":807.002,"endTime":814.909,"body":"Your mom's mom knows my dad's mom she was like well Italian Grandma I learned how to cook from her."},{"startTime":815.32,"endTime":828.421,"body":"Her meatballs are what broke my four-year vegetarian streak in college so yeah wait what's that story you saw them and you were like I was home from Summer and I was the dorm food"},{"startTime":828.373,"endTime":838.216,"body":"I went to University of Oregon and the dorm food was like real gross back then I don't know what it is like now at all I'd probably fans on our sandwiches I really,"},{"startTime":838.366,"endTime":848.289,"body":"there's like a soft serve machine which was really awesome but I did not eat well there because the meat was gross and so then"},{"startTime":848.232,"endTime":854.708,"body":"I became a vegetarian at the end of college like the first year and then I gained like,"},{"startTime":854.84,"endTime":863.404,"body":"you know how it's like Freshman 15 I gained like 20 software yeah because we had like these coupons for"},{"startTime":863.293,"endTime":872.28,"body":"free cheese pizza and part of being a vegetarian for me it was like having cheese all the time and so sure yeah I learned"},{"startTime":872.196,"endTime":882.543,"body":"you know later on in life that I can't handle Dairy very well so it was Ms anyways I came home from break or like a summer and my grandma"},{"startTime":882.513,"endTime":886.675,"body":"she lived up in Novato and she was like a food pusher"},{"startTime":886.636,"endTime":900.151,"body":"and so her she was like pushing meatballs on me and I was like oh my God I haven't had like a real meatball in the long time and I was like sentimental missed home and so yeah I had her meatballs and then."},{"startTime":900.328,"endTime":912.979,"body":"Slowly dip my way back into eating me and learned about like my blood type and protein and all that stuff and so yeah mmm I love that you're bringing up your grandmother's meatballs,"},{"startTime":913.157,"endTime":919.452,"body":"I know where did that come from no but it makes okay so the reason I'm here yeah is too,"},{"startTime":919.602,"endTime":928.877,"body":"is You've Lost Your Mother yeah yeah and you have been sharing over the years since she died."},{"startTime":929.19,"endTime":939.878,"body":"Your grief process yeah and you have this hashtag keep grief weird mmm and you're also a like pretty legit,"},{"startTime":940.01,"endTime":949.115,"body":"food blogger so much more than that at this point but that for a while that's what you were yeah before my mom died in 2017 and."},{"startTime":949.463,"endTime":952.688,"body":"At that time in my life I was super,"},{"startTime":952.803,"endTime":963.617,"body":"enter food blogging and when she died my mom died during Thanksgiving week she technically died on Black Friday but that whole week we were in the hospital with her,"},{"startTime":963.668,"endTime":973.439,"body":"and so my relationship with food really got messed up when she died because it was Thanksgiving week and."},{"startTime":973.796,"endTime":978.759,"body":"That's like as a food blogger it's like you're Super Bowl you know."},{"startTime":979.233,"endTime":986.33,"body":"It's a big event I was having people over my brother was coming home for the first time in like 13 years and."},{"startTime":986.543,"endTime":993.118,"body":"My mom is really excited to have Thanksgiving and my mom was like super traditional and."},{"startTime":993.529,"endTime":1004.875,"body":"When my dad found my mom my mom died of sepsis in her stomach but she was going into shock and my dad found her and she was making pumpkin pie."},{"startTime":1005.313,"endTime":1012.842,"body":"And so it was like and then the whole process of like driving to the hospital and."},{"startTime":1013.631,"endTime":1024.779,"body":"You know my mom flatlined a couple times it was just like very traumatic and also like I had like a 27 pound turkey in my refrigerator you know,"},{"startTime":1024.893,"endTime":1032.458,"body":"I was about to have a bunch of people over and then I went from like entertaining mode until like holy."},{"startTime":1032.698,"endTime":1038.012,"body":"Crap your mom is dying and so it was really tough for me because I had."},{"startTime":1038.387,"endTime":1051.173,"body":"I was opening up my Instagram and I was like in the hospital and people were like oh my mom's in town for Thanksgiving and like I was sitting there waiting to hear."},{"startTime":1051.611,"endTime":1061.886,"body":"Back from the doctors if my mom's brain was going to be alive you know and so it really messed up my relationship with food and like."},{"startTime":1062.171,"endTime":1065.388,"body":"Traditions and family and,"},{"startTime":1065.43,"endTime":1072.482,"body":"all of it it tore my world apart so I really disconnected from the food space because,"},{"startTime":1072.578,"endTime":1080.206,"body":"food to me was like oh he's a celebratory thing and a sign of love and it became a coping mechanism"},{"startTime":1080.203,"endTime":1093.088,"body":"I ate many cheesesteaks during the first few months of my mom's death and I also just like lost my Village when she died so she was."},{"startTime":1093.319,"endTime":1103.98,"body":"The person in my life who fed me and she had me over and she fed me food and as somebody who is in the food blogging space it's like."},{"startTime":1104.185,"endTime":1112.533,"body":"So rare that people invite me over and feed me because that's like my prowess you know I'm people feel really."},{"startTime":1112.719,"endTime":1123.083,"body":"Inadvertently like uncomfortable to feed me because they feel like I have higher standards because I post well edited photos of food so when."},{"startTime":1123.36,"endTime":1129.925,"body":"My mom died I really like abandoned my relationship with food and I tried to figure out like,"},{"startTime":1130.102,"endTime":1138.855,"body":"if I don't feed myself who feeds me and I realize like I have to feed myself so yeah it was a wild thing,"},{"startTime":1138.906,"endTime":1145.877,"body":"that was a tangent but I'm like about to burst into wow one of the"},{"startTime":1145.829,"endTime":1154.312,"body":"aspects that's been a big struggle is that I've been the only female left at my family my dad is getting remarried and"},{"startTime":1154.264,"endTime":1155.987,"body":"my brother has a wife"},{"startTime":1155.948,"endTime":1164.593,"body":"and my husband has me and my child has me but everybody has a female in their life that they can count on and"},{"startTime":1164.554,"endTime":1174.513,"body":"help nourish them and just replenish them and I had to find that Within Myself and I'm still trying to find it because it's it's rough my mom."},{"startTime":1174.762,"endTime":1181.067,"body":"Neglected herself she took care of everybody and when she was gone it was like."},{"startTime":1181.442,"endTime":1186.864,"body":"Nobody knew how to do anything for themselves anymore and I had to pick up the slack because"},{"startTime":1186.835,"endTime":1200.854,"body":"you know people needed a mom and figure but when you're doing everything for everybody else you don't give people practice taking care of you and that was like the biggest lesson my mom taught me is that it's so easy."},{"startTime":1201.373,"endTime":1210.738,"body":"To take somebody for granted when you haven't experienced life without them and so it's been a rough."},{"startTime":1211.204,"endTime":1219.164,"body":"And rude awakening my mom is really the only person in my life that gave me that and unconditional love and she was,"},{"startTime":1219.324,"endTime":1229.697,"body":"interested in my well-being and so when she was gone like nobody asked me how I was doing you know because I was left with men and they."},{"startTime":1230.135,"endTime":1244.182,"body":"Didn't have the same emotional intelligence that my mom has had so anyways life has just been real different and it's been real weird without her and when."},{"startTime":1244.404,"endTime":1257.802,"body":"When she was dying in the hospital and the so from Thanksgiving to Christmas like during Christmas time I had to like write her obituary and we had to have,"},{"startTime":1257.817,"endTime":1263.033,"body":"her funeral and then her birthday came up so it was just like all jammed."},{"startTime":1263.282,"endTime":1275.285,"body":"Packed in there and it was also the time of year where I'm supposed to make the most money on my blog because of blog traffic and I just was not feeling it it was I,"},{"startTime":1275.462,"endTime":1279.39,"body":"could not fake happiness I could not fake like."},{"startTime":1279.576,"endTime":1294.522,"body":"Hey you know here's a homemade gift here for your family I just couldn't do that so I just started sharing my grief Journey online like just the realness of all of it and I lost like 2,000 people immediately because,"},{"startTime":1294.583,"endTime":1299.924,"body":"people don't really want to hear about death and I totally get that."},{"startTime":1300.398,"endTime":1308.665,"body":"I felt it was disingenuine to just go on with my life and pretend like I wasn't."},{"startTime":1308.995,"endTime":1318.162,"body":"Experiencing major trauma so I shared my path through grief and it was incredible I."},{"startTime":1318.349,"endTime":1330.208,"body":"Was connected to so many new and wonderful people who have also experienced loss because I was vulnerable in my experience so it was."},{"startTime":1330.61,"endTime":1335.051,"body":"Fantastic and it made me feel very supported by."},{"startTime":1335.264,"endTime":1345.619,"body":"Like the spiritual world everything was aligning and happening and my mom was like above orchestrating some of these connections"},{"startTime":1345.608,"endTime":1354.307,"body":"so yeah it's been a real gift grief is just weird you know like weird things happen all the time and."},{"startTime":1354.709,"endTime":1361.526,"body":"My mom was also clear voyant and we had a very psychic connection and."},{"startTime":1361.758,"endTime":1369.376,"body":"I witnessed her go through the death of all four grandparents and so I was sort of well-versed in."},{"startTime":1369.671,"endTime":1373.779,"body":"The spirit world and my mom kept."},{"startTime":1374.235,"endTime":1383.447,"body":"The data life because she was connected to them that's also like the weird aspect that I'm coming to terms with is just."},{"startTime":1383.939,"endTime":1388.047,"body":"Learning about my gifts of being able to connect."},{"startTime":1388.242,"endTime":1400.659,"body":"Into spirit because of her but thank you for letting me get that off my chest that's it's a lot to carry it really is feel it."},{"startTime":1400.881,"endTime":1409.914,"body":"And we should say I believe your mother I see photos of your mother oh yeah your altar yes and then you brought her."},{"startTime":1410.199,"endTime":1419.429,"body":"The your her ashes her ashes I have her ashes right here next to you can I tell you something weird about that yes okay so."},{"startTime":1419.669,"endTime":1425.55,"body":"As I was saying I witnessed my mom go through a bunch of deaths and she."},{"startTime":1426.232,"endTime":1432.779,"body":"Had a lot of reverence for people who had passed but she also is like very forgetful and,"},{"startTime":1432.821,"endTime":1445.14,"body":"total like a closet hoarder so she had our ashes of our cats like Thomasina she had my Uncle Bob his ashes and,"},{"startTime":1445.164,"endTime":1450.487,"body":"she didn't do anything with them but she liked having them nearby and."},{"startTime":1450.682,"endTime":1456.653,"body":"When she died before she died she said that she wanted to be with her dad,"},{"startTime":1456.822,"endTime":1470.904,"body":"and I'm going to put her there one day but I know that like my mom would have never said like I wish that you would just hang out with me and take my ashes and you know I want to be with you."},{"startTime":1471.153,"endTime":1480.077,"body":"I have her because I know that that's what she would do for me and so it's not like something that you would."},{"startTime":1480.84,"endTime":1494.49,"body":"Necessarily instruct your child to do but I know that that's what she wants me to do that makes sense so I will probably reunite her with her dad one day when I don't."},{"startTime":1494.811,"endTime":1500.944,"body":"Live in this house anymore but I really like having her hair and it makes me happy,"},{"startTime":1500.96,"endTime":1511.459,"body":"so yeah and you said before we recorded that you would like take her on errands with you oh yeah yeah I took her on our first family trip,"},{"startTime":1511.492,"endTime":1521.29,"body":"without her she like came with us and I put her on like the TV console area where all the games were pretty funny,"},{"startTime":1521.449,"endTime":1531.777,"body":"anyhow she it weighs a lot you felt that right yeah you said have you ever held ashes before and I said I seen them but I've never held them and you said o prepare yourself it's heavy."},{"startTime":1532.026,"endTime":1540.528,"body":"And you popped up in the box and you took out the bag and has her name and her date of birth date of death her creation date in this Lake."},{"startTime":1540.921,"endTime":1544.822,"body":"Metal I don't know like charm yeah."},{"startTime":1545.179,"endTime":1558.694,"body":"Yeah it's like an ID tag way yeah and then you put it in my hands and I was like whoa yeah all I could think was like this is her whole body these are bones and her organs and when I picked her up,"},{"startTime":1558.853,"endTime":1567.237,"body":"I could just feel this like oh thank God like oh finally I'm like in the right care so."},{"startTime":1567.594,"endTime":1574.34,"body":"She came in this like emerald green velvet bag and so I just like her,"},{"startTime":1574.526,"endTime":1580.741,"body":"in the front seat and put a seat belt around her and I drove around with her for like a while it was pretty funny."},{"startTime":1580.945,"endTime":1590.94,"body":"I mean it was really great you know yeah so she died really suddenly yeah that's it yeah she had heart failure for years"},{"startTime":1590.937,"endTime":1599.843,"body":"prior to dying but her illness came out of kind of out of nowhere I think that there was probably."},{"startTime":1600.165,"endTime":1607.738,"body":"Something else going on with her but my mom was very anti in medicine and she"},{"startTime":1607.709,"endTime":1617.695,"body":"I knew that like if she ever had cancer she wouldn't have ever gone through any type of treatment she didn't want to prolong the life if it was not going to be."},{"startTime":1618.061,"endTime":1630.577,"body":"In her own terms so I knew in the last year of her life that something was up I could feel it and I just knew there were a couple moments that just like really."},{"startTime":1630.808,"endTime":1641.641,"body":"Stuck out and a week before she died I had this dream that I called her and she didn't answer and I was like why am I calling my mom she's dead."},{"startTime":1641.944,"endTime":1652.129,"body":"And so I woke up like you know freaked out and I called her in real life and then I had forgot that my parents were in Hawaii and."},{"startTime":1652.315,"endTime":1661.275,"body":"I was able to talk to her like three times before she passed but I never got to have like you know."},{"startTime":1661.785,"endTime":1669.134,"body":"Closure it just all happened and you know she was just like taken away so fast so it."},{"startTime":1669.716,"endTime":1681.35,"body":"Has been just real weird knowing that like I knew it was happening but I also in the last four years of my life I actively worked on,"},{"startTime":1681.509,"endTime":1682.511,"body":"getting."},{"startTime":1682.859,"endTime":1695.925,"body":"Over being annoyed by her my mom was just like she had no chill she was just like really I don't know my mom was a Capricorn so everything was like you know activists kind of."},{"startTime":1696.507,"endTime":1710.382,"body":"Put your 120% into everything so yeah I after she died too it really messed up my blogging situation because I used to write knowing that she would be reading and."},{"startTime":1710.748,"endTime":1717.008,"body":"She was I wrote things to make her laugh or I included little."},{"startTime":1717.266,"endTime":1727.784,"body":"Jokes into my narrative and I knew that like my mom's going to be reading it you know and so after she was gone I just."},{"startTime":1728.006,"endTime":1736.471,"body":"I just look at my content from 2017 and before and it's like oh I was such a different person."},{"startTime":1736.801,"endTime":1746.679,"body":"So yeah it's been grief as like did you saw Back to the Future right okay so you know when like things shifts."},{"startTime":1746.947,"endTime":1757.473,"body":"They mess up the time continuum and then the photos and the picture like people disappear in the photos that's how grief feels it's like,"},{"startTime":1757.551,"endTime":1763.919,"body":"I'm continuing to live this life I live in the same house I live in the same town,"},{"startTime":1764.015,"endTime":1772.336,"body":"I have a child and everything I'm living this life but my mom's not here and nothing really makes sense anymore with her I think."},{"startTime":1772.594,"endTime":1781.023,"body":"Also I really I lost my value buddy so my mom I realize like after my mom died she was the one that."},{"startTime":1781.605,"endTime":1786.46,"body":"Was the anchor of our family values and so,"},{"startTime":1786.611,"endTime":1794.797,"body":"I the world is like so chaotic and it's just been crazy to experience it without her because."},{"startTime":1795.748,"endTime":1804.105,"body":"She was my sense of hope to you know like she wanted things to be okay so that like our future was."},{"startTime":1804.318,"endTime":1812.675,"body":"Going to be okay so yeah I've had to find a lot of that Within Myself and trying to."},{"startTime":1812.996,"endTime":1820.39,"body":"Pep talk my kid through the slave to so what's worked for you in in."},{"startTime":1821.008,"endTime":1824.621,"body":"Okay so what I'm hearing you say is."},{"startTime":1824.861,"endTime":1834.155,"body":"You lost that anchor that mothering figure that place of safety that place of hope that place of purpose that place of meaning."},{"startTime":1834.647,"endTime":1838.34,"body":"And so you're realizing oh I'm the matriarch now."},{"startTime":1838.779,"endTime":1845.155,"body":"I mean I would use that word yeah yeah so what isn't working what's working is."},{"startTime":1845.35,"endTime":1849.017,"body":"Evaluating old beliefs and."},{"startTime":1849.257,"endTime":1862.386,"body":"Seeing what rituals and traditions really need to be perpetuated or abandoned when you take out the women in my family."},{"startTime":1862.851,"endTime":1863.871,"body":"Men."},{"startTime":1864.399,"endTime":1879.094,"body":"Don't have the same emotional capacity and way of like bringing magic into life and Gatherings and all of that so it's like what I learned is if I don't do something something doesn't happen,"},{"startTime":1879.118,"endTime":1882.83,"body":"so like if I don't host and my mom,"},{"startTime":1883.007,"endTime":1893.696,"body":"I heard her complain all of my life and be filled with like resentment every time she hosted and people didn't."},{"startTime":1894.188,"endTime":1901.816,"body":"Participate so what I've I'm learning is just like it's okay if you don't have the traditional thing,"},{"startTime":1902.002,"endTime":1909.611,"body":"what's worse is living in a space of resentment after doing everything for everybody and."},{"startTime":1909.879,"endTime":1918.641,"body":"Is this making sense when okay so my mom every year would have Christmas and she would have her family over and."},{"startTime":1918.908,"endTime":1931.433,"body":"It wasn't like a communal situation like she wouldn't see her family unless she created this party and so for a week after the party,"},{"startTime":1931.583,"endTime":1939.175,"body":"she would just be in her pajamas and just be like spent and also like digesting like I can't believe,"},{"startTime":1939.28,"endTime":1951.301,"body":"so and so didn't help me with this and Dad of that and it was just like I carried a lot of that resentment for her to you know she was just exhausted and my mom."},{"startTime":1951.991,"endTime":1958.458,"body":"Played an extrovert but she was totally an introvert and so when she died,"},{"startTime":1958.581,"endTime":1970.431,"body":"I lost my companion in the kitchen because she and I used to like work together in the kitchen while all the guys were doing whatever guys do."},{"startTime":1970.689,"endTime":1974.941,"body":"Not helping in the kitchen you know and I,"},{"startTime":1974.956,"endTime":1984.168,"body":"had a party at my house it wasn't a party it was just like a dinner and I had my dad over my brother-in-law over my son my nephew"},{"startTime":1984.12,"endTime":1990.839,"body":"my husband and I was standing the kitchen all by myself and so it's like me and five guys and"},{"startTime":1990.827,"endTime":1999.346,"body":"I felt the loss of my mom like oh gosh she's not here like I'm doing this all by myself and then."},{"startTime":1999.64,"endTime":2007.943,"body":"I realize like oh my mom's not here I don't have to I don't have to use China or special plates I just used,"},{"startTime":2008.039,"endTime":2017.882,"body":"paper plates and utensils and everybody was just fine with it and it was that where I learned like some things."},{"startTime":2018.302,"endTime":2023.751,"body":"Stay in your life because they should but having to force things."},{"startTime":2023.991,"endTime":2029.018,"body":"When they're just not there like that that will just make you crazy you know."},{"startTime":2029.366,"endTime":2039.352,"body":"So yeah her death was like eye-opening about how much women do for men and how much you know my dad had never done laundry"},{"startTime":2039.214,"endTime":2044.501,"body":"you know it like he was he was like,"},{"startTime":2044.58,"endTime":2053.306,"body":"it's laundry just never ends and it was like no shit Dad where are you been like so I got to see,"},{"startTime":2053.447,"endTime":2056.366,"body":"really how doing,"},{"startTime":2056.49,"endTime":2068.312,"body":"everything for everybody else and enables them not to have practice taking care of themselves and ultimately I realized that like my mom didn't teach us how to take care of her."},{"startTime":2069.093,"endTime":2073.183,"body":"And so she didn't set up boundaries and so,"},{"startTime":2073.207,"endTime":2079.79,"body":"I have been actively learning how to set boundaries and not tolerate things that don't serve me anymore,"},{"startTime":2079.931,"endTime":2093.843,"body":"snaps to that and like lineage healing right there yeah well the crazy part is on my dad's side of the family I'm the first girl in three generations and so I,"},{"startTime":2093.957,"endTime":2102.287,"body":"like brutally honest you know I'm a Leo so I came to like mess shit up here,"},{"startTime":2102.374,"endTime":2112.784,"body":"and like I was raised with men so yeah it just really made me evaluate like how much power women really do have an."},{"startTime":2113.402,"endTime":2121.309,"body":"How we're all kind of just like fighting the patriarchy within our homes and yeah I really here in your story."},{"startTime":2121.657,"endTime":2129.924,"body":"Just like the story of your family and the generations before about like pretty strict gender roles and how that definitely didn't serve your mother."},{"startTime":2130.524,"endTime":2140.213,"body":"In the ways that you see it in this the beliefs and like ways of being that you've inherited and I find it interesting that you have a son yeah and."},{"startTime":2140.472,"endTime":2148.694,"body":"Like in you two are very close I love when you share your relationship with him on Instagram it makes me so it makes me want to"},{"startTime":2148.682,"endTime":2161.828,"body":"that makes me want that and I'm wondering yeah how this has because because I hear you being annoyed in the kitchen alone with all the men in the other room doing what men do yeah you said and it's like what are you sharing with Cooper,"},{"startTime":2161.888,"endTime":2167.184,"body":"what are you showing him with your grief or with or is it just natural I don't know if it's like."},{"startTime":2167.506,"endTime":2177.834,"body":"Something you're taking him aside and saying or just or embodying to do it so that he learns how to be a man differently yeah well."},{"startTime":2178.389,"endTime":2189.969,"body":"Kids learn just by experiencing so he had nine years with my mom so he she lives on through him in a lot of ways and so,"},{"startTime":2190.11,"endTime":2193.804,"body":"that's been a real gift in this journey,"},{"startTime":2193.891,"endTime":2203.724,"body":"but I keep her alive for him because she's still alive in my life and in my heart and I Channel her through my work and so,"},{"startTime":2203.803,"endTime":2210.368,"body":"I know that it's important for your kids to understand that."},{"startTime":2210.635,"endTime":2218.975,"body":"We all have feelings and we all love differently and I don't try to pretend that I'm not."},{"startTime":2219.359,"endTime":2228.058,"body":"Grieving when I'm not grieving and I have shared with him like Hey you know yeah I'm having a hard day and I don't think."},{"startTime":2228.982,"endTime":2233.801,"body":"My mom tried not to indulge her grief around us like."},{"startTime":2234.014,"endTime":2239.13,"body":"She pretended like everything was fine and we just assumed everything was fine and then."},{"startTime":2239.407,"endTime":2251.004,"body":"Like I said it was like that resentment of like you know I learned that people don't know what you're going through unless you tell them and so I think that,"},{"startTime":2251.065,"endTime":2255.038,"body":"what's really important to me and in this world is."},{"startTime":2255.431,"endTime":2264.967,"body":"To help my son be versed in emotional intelligence to understand where that his feelings are coming from."},{"startTime":2265.207,"endTime":2269.747,"body":"What is anger you know how do you deal with anger."},{"startTime":2270.113,"endTime":2284.025,"body":"Just be include in and by sharing that I see that he has empathy is growing you know so that's what I'm really concerned about with him."},{"startTime":2284.355,"endTime":2288.094,"body":"In this world having a son and."},{"startTime":2288.28,"endTime":2297.213,"body":"Men not being allowed to have feelings has been so disastrous for our civilization,"},{"startTime":2297.219,"endTime":2311.77,"body":"so yeah I think he needs to understand how they're important and how how to work with them properly and I guess I modeled that through my own grief and you know doing something with my feelings and."},{"startTime":2312.172,"endTime":2323.932,"body":"Honoring my mom and little ways you know like making a little altar to her or making one of her recipes keeping her alive for him his really like,"},{"startTime":2324.046,"endTime":2331.341,"body":"how I remembered a Mom myself you know like I can't neglect myself because I want to be around,"},{"startTime":2331.509,"endTime":2339.875,"body":"him as long as possible I had my mom until she was 71 I was 38 and that's it like."},{"startTime":2340.115,"endTime":2345.006,"body":"I would like to see my kid turned 40 so."},{"startTime":2345.21,"endTime":2354.18,"body":"Yeah it's just her death has been a lesson of like if you don't take care of yourself like nobody really is going to take care of you."},{"startTime":2354.375,"endTime":2364.208,"body":"See you have to figure out how to do it and also like back to the whole child's thing I really think that my lesson with."},{"startTime":2364.412,"endTime":2372.616,"body":"Seeing the men in my life being nurtured and cared for by women I want my kid to learn how to do that,"},{"startTime":2372.793,"endTime":2375.398,"body":"for whoever he's with that."},{"startTime":2375.755,"endTime":2386.84,"body":"You know it's like relationships go both ways and you care about somebody both ways and you work together and you're healthy together you know yeah."},{"startTime":2387.134,"endTime":2389.207,"body":"That's big yeah."},{"startTime":2389.43,"endTime":2397.984,"body":"But you know like taking care of yourself as hard like just going to the doctor or the dentist you're like."},{"startTime":2398.36,"endTime":2403.647,"body":"Adding so many steps to your life that's already complicated and."},{"startTime":2404.022,"endTime":2411.929,"body":"My mom's attention span was all over the place so it's where I get that from so yeah like."},{"startTime":2412.619,"endTime":2421.471,"body":"Nobody's going to call the doctor or the dentist for me I've had to learn how to do it for myself and my child and."},{"startTime":2422.0,"endTime":2424.253,"body":"Takes a lot of practice."},{"startTime":2424.529,"endTime":2432.823,"body":"And when you're grieving it's like a million times harder to take care of yourself yeah I'd love to dive deeper into."},{"startTime":2433.568,"endTime":2439.224,"body":"Grief itself yeah learnings you've had around that because I know."},{"startTime":2439.68,"endTime":2449.081,"body":"It's been helpful to you and so much of like your community your Greater Community I include myself in that for you to share your grief process."},{"startTime":2449.475,"endTime":2458.498,"body":"Which was a coping mechanism for you particularly I'm realizing now how radical it was in a family system of like stuff it down,"},{"startTime":2458.675,"endTime":2460.721,"body":"yeah yeah."},{"startTime":2461.016,"endTime":2471.992,"body":"And like literally eating like eat it stuff it down yeah and so I'd love to know whatever feels right to share around."},{"startTime":2472.583,"endTime":2485.046,"body":"Yeah maybe in those early days and how it evolved in the ways that you came up with like I'm going to share this and then just the ways you would just be like grief is weird here's a weird thing that's happening today,"},{"startTime":2485.205,"endTime":2492.553,"body":"yeah what do you what feels true to share about that because I the reason I really want invite you into this which I know you are with me on this mission is."},{"startTime":2492.938,"endTime":2505.003,"body":"We live in such a death phobic grief so phobic Society yeah but such a birth seed planting excessively celebrating Society but it's like they're both sides of the same coin and we need to normalize it."},{"startTime":2505.289,"endTime":2506.777,"body":"And that's what you're doing."},{"startTime":2506.999,"endTime":2520.496,"body":"So well it's a hard truth you know we go on Instagram for a whole bunch of reasons mostly like dopamine hits right and to be in a space where."},{"startTime":2520.953,"endTime":2530.669,"body":"The algorithm wants you to play a certain way I just I decided to run with it because it was my truth it's like nobody can."},{"startTime":2531.035,"endTime":2536.259,"body":"Disprove my situation because I'm in it and I'm experiencing it so."},{"startTime":2536.635,"endTime":2541.679,"body":"I felt like I could be real that way because I know that other people."},{"startTime":2541.973,"endTime":2554.975,"body":"Understood what I was going through and then it was great because the more that I shared weird things that happened like I would hear other weird stories and then my hashtag."},{"startTime":2555.377,"endTime":2566.597,"body":"Keep grief weird was felt like filling up with other people's grief stories and so it made me feel less alone I felt really alone."},{"startTime":2567.044,"endTime":2568.298,"body":"With in."},{"startTime":2568.71,"endTime":2578.165,"body":"My family when I was grieving because I didn't know how much I could get away with not having my shit together."},{"startTime":2578.549,"endTime":2587.671,"body":"Yeah right you know like family grief story yeah and if you divert from the family grief story yeah and also like."},{"startTime":2587.894,"endTime":2596.871,"body":"In my relationship with my husband like I was the one who experienced the first loss of a parent and."},{"startTime":2597.094,"endTime":2603.11,"body":"That is tough you know I didn't I did not know what I need I still,"},{"startTime":2603.125,"endTime":2616.866,"body":"I'm figuring that out without my mom but your husband cannot replace your mom that's just like nobody can replace your mom and so my life has been really like piecing."},{"startTime":2617.457,"endTime":2626.93,"body":"Aspects of my mom together through like many different people that makes sense so my grief really."},{"startTime":2627.161,"endTime":2631.449,"body":"Open my eyes up to just."},{"startTime":2631.717,"endTime":2643.944,"body":"The BS that goes on in life you know like faking holidays and faking that everything's fine and the month of Mother's Day you just get bombarded with this BS and,"},{"startTime":2644.077,"endTime":2648.086,"body":"it's not just people who've lost their moms it's people who have,"},{"startTime":2648.155,"endTime":2655.863,"body":"shitty relationships with their moms or dads for like Father's Day and all that stuff I feel like."},{"startTime":2656.428,"endTime":2666.423,"body":"What I learned the most with grief is that you can grieve somebody who is alive and that was like that was."},{"startTime":2666.969,"endTime":2678.891,"body":"The most eye-opening thing you can grieve losing your dreams and like abandoning a part of your career you know a different aspects of your life."},{"startTime":2679.24,"endTime":2681.7,"body":"Are so filled with grief so."},{"startTime":2682.327,"endTime":2696.689,"body":"What became important to me was just to let other people know that I'm not into faking this right now and yeah I'm going through tough time and thank you for supporting me through the muck"},{"startTime":2696.677,"endTime":2702.315,"body":"it's really ultimately about connection you know that's why people."},{"startTime":2702.627,"endTime":2716.16,"body":"Follow each other so yeah I wanted to shine a light on the darkness of losing somebody or losing a thought an idea a hope a dream"},{"startTime":2716.104,"endTime":2719.86,"body":"and I think we're all collectively losing,"},{"startTime":2720.02,"endTime":2729.907,"body":"what we thought our future was going to look like and in my future I thought I was going to have a mom you know and so it's just been this like."},{"startTime":2730.777,"endTime":2733.103,"body":"Journey to find out who I am."},{"startTime":2733.316,"endTime":2741.376,"body":"Without a mom and what sustains me and nourishes me without her and how I can do that myself,"},{"startTime":2741.409,"endTime":2752.134,"body":"well thank you for expressing that thank you so openly I think you fellas think oh my gosh yeah I'm you're such a creative person,"},{"startTime":2752.275,"endTime":2765.7,"body":"you I mean if you could see everyone this beautiful office I'm in and I was in it like maybe a year and a half ago and it's completely different oh yeah Italy changing and and and third-generation right and when I met you you were like."},{"startTime":2765.895,"endTime":2771.813,"body":"You were a food blogger yeah I met you because you Coletta a."},{"startTime":2772.152,"endTime":2779.375,"body":"Weird shop food styling photography Workshop because that's when I was like just getting into blogging when I was the dab list,"},{"startTime":2779.39,"endTime":2788.035,"body":"a whole other lifetime ago for both of us yeah and then you you went through so many things not just the loss of your mother but how has your creative,"},{"startTime":2788.221,"endTime":2794.111,"body":"life and work changed in these last five years it's changed a lot"},{"startTime":2794.108,"endTime":2804.653,"body":"I shifted from the focus being on food to the focus being on time yeah and that really time and reflecting on time and,"},{"startTime":2804.659,"endTime":2807.237,"body":"on my website I have this."},{"startTime":2807.54,"endTime":2815.978,"body":"Column that I've done for 11 years called my everyday life and I post about 40 photos of the week and."},{"startTime":2816.308,"endTime":2821.01,"body":"I've done it for 11 years straight it was like I think we never ever missed a week,"},{"startTime":2821.088,"endTime":2831.903,"body":"no there's like one week that's kind of glitchy but I think it's because I the SEO was messed up I had put the wrong weekend but no yeah week your mom died,"},{"startTime":2831.999,"endTime":2838.177,"body":"I did ya week 47 so the link to it yeah so it,"},{"startTime":2838.211,"endTime":2847.828,"body":"when she died I became so like hyper aware of time you know like because I had done that art project for so many years."},{"startTime":2848.131,"endTime":2855.092,"body":"Had an understanding of like what week 11 is like what week for is like you know,"},{"startTime":2855.234,"endTime":2858.937,"body":"they're 18 and so when she died it was like"},{"startTime":2858.925,"endTime":2869.694,"body":"week 47 and every year it's like oh my God week 47s coming up yeah and when I look at I'm really glad that."},{"startTime":2870.259,"endTime":2880.155,"body":"Took the time and was consistent enough in this project to have like so much data from my life."},{"startTime":2880.53,"endTime":2889.562,"body":"It's been rewarding and like the part about grief being weird is like sometimes I'll just like open up a week on my blog and."},{"startTime":2889.839,"endTime":2897.826,"body":"They'll be like a message from my mom within that week or I'll see like her hands or I'll see something you know."},{"startTime":2898.571,"endTime":2909.88,"body":"It's just so Random like that I lost my train of thought what was I saying okay well first of all I love that sort of like Mom Oracle yeah you have that's really beautiful."},{"startTime":2910.094,"endTime":2919.63,"body":"I was asking how your work has changed oh yeah relationship yeah so it's more about what really brought me into food blogging in the first place was,"},{"startTime":2919.672,"endTime":2932.008,"body":"my photography I was trained in photography and graphic design and I am Italian and I love food and when I started my blog it was really more of like a,"},{"startTime":2932.149,"endTime":2934.556,"body":"creative project that way of like,"},{"startTime":2934.652,"endTime":2946.15,"body":"being accountable to taking pictures of food you know you eat at least three times a day if not more so it was like sort of a no-brainer to me."},{"startTime":2946.472,"endTime":2953.208,"body":"And you know like livejournal all that stuff I was super into that so yeah food just was."},{"startTime":2953.476,"endTime":2961.31,"body":"Something that I can consistently practice and I was interested in like making a home and."},{"startTime":2961.623,"endTime":2976.398,"body":"Figuring out how to feed myself and my husband and then my child and so I shared that and just recipes to get through the week like easy Gourmet stuff but when I when my mom died I just."},{"startTime":2977.044,"endTime":2991.27,"body":"Time became more important to me and I just realized like you know it was my mom's greatest hits that like she repeated the same dishes constantly which was super annoying but that's what made."},{"startTime":2991.537,"endTime":2995.816,"body":"Me feel so comforted by her is like knowing that."},{"startTime":2996.173,"endTime":3011.084,"body":"My mom's meatloaf or you know my mom's like baked spaghetti was so special because we had it so often and so when she died I kind of leaned heavily into these things that I could do without thinking."},{"startTime":3011.423,"endTime":3018.412,"body":"And I realized like yeah it may be repetitive to have chicken or whatever but."},{"startTime":3018.67,"endTime":3031.393,"body":"I'm at least creating some type of like tradition and ritual within my own family that like hopefully maybe one day my child will ask me for you know a certain recipe because he wants to make tacos,"},{"startTime":3031.453,"endTime":3044.491,"body":"in his first apartment you know so yeah time and tradition and really like I did not want to keep pumping out content when I did not feel like cooking and,"},{"startTime":3044.57,"endTime":3046.202,"body":"I barely felt like,"},{"startTime":3046.316,"endTime":3055.654,"body":"eating anything other than cereal so the past four years of my blog of really been like utilitarian food like what do you eat,"},{"startTime":3055.759,"endTime":3060.759,"body":"when you just want to read your pantry or you know what do you eat when."},{"startTime":3061.053,"endTime":3066.025,"body":"You have to feed yourself and everybody else is like out doing sports you know,"},{"startTime":3066.166,"endTime":3076.558,"body":"it's just a different way of thinking and my life would be so different if I had my mom in it because I would probably be entertaining more."},{"startTime":3076.978,"endTime":3082.427,"body":"Like food just doesn't make sense to me in the way that it used to you know yeah"},{"startTime":3082.334,"endTime":3092.401,"body":"I feed picky eaters and it can be just like a real joyless yeah situation so now it's just like got to get food on the table got a feed"},{"startTime":3092.201,"endTime":3098.676,"body":"got it like got to be healthy got to make sure nobody's going to complain or else I'm going to lose my mind."},{"startTime":3099.321,"endTime":3110.91,"body":"That's how food is for me now yeah and another thing I just felt really bad about perpetuating this idea that we're supposed to be like."},{"startTime":3111.312,"endTime":3118.85,"body":"Making new recipes constantly we're inundated with so many recipes online now and."},{"startTime":3119.072,"endTime":3129.779,"body":"It's overwhelming and maybe it's cool to try a recipe like once a month or whatever but really like do not,"},{"startTime":3129.902,"endTime":3141.329,"body":"stress yourself out over like coming up with a new chicken dish and having to shoot it it just felt stupid and disingenuine to keep feeding this like,"},{"startTime":3141.443,"endTime":3143.723,"body":"algorithm Beast that I,"},{"startTime":3143.856,"endTime":3154.391,"body":"it didn't feel right to me oh yeah I can map that right till the capitalist you know productivity growth obsessed culture that we like the water we swim in."},{"startTime":3154.802,"endTime":3166.481,"body":"Especially being a new mom myself like first of all repetition is soothing to the nervous yes totally second of all like we were never supposed to be like your."},{"startTime":3166.784,"endTime":3171.54,"body":"Poor mother was put in a shitty position we're never weren't supposed to be."},{"startTime":3171.781,"endTime":3184.306,"body":"Running our own homes alone no you know and so this belief that we have to have all this new food and we have to impress like I'm sorry we're not chefs in the restaurant being paid for it right yeah you're not being paid for it."},{"startTime":3184.501,"endTime":3193.2,"body":"So and I get that and who's going to clean up yeah wait who cleans it up you know I think it's I'm so happy you."},{"startTime":3193.413,"endTime":3199.555,"body":"Embodied that shift because it's so permission giving and you like get you get the deeper message here."},{"startTime":3200.075,"endTime":3208.251,"body":"And that's so cute that's a gift from this whole experience yeah I feel the last two."},{"startTime":3208.78,"endTime":3214.508,"body":"Have a level of understanding and knowledge through this experience that I would have never had,"},{"startTime":3214.667,"endTime":3221.44,"body":"I didn't go through it so that's why when I look at old photos or like refer back to."},{"startTime":3221.743,"endTime":3230.343,"body":"Life before November 2017 that's why I feel so disconnected from that person because,"},{"startTime":3230.367,"endTime":3243.289,"body":"I feel like I've leveled up spiritually that like there's a lot of things I would not tolerate that I tolerated back then if I feel that yeah how do you feel about pumpkin pie now,"},{"startTime":3243.385,"endTime":3252.939,"body":"I love pumpkin pie like that was really tough for me it took me a year to eat it again."},{"startTime":3253.566,"endTime":3267.829,"body":"It was just like there's a whole story behind it every year for Thanksgiving my mom used to make an extra pie and give it to like the homeless shelter she would give it to st. Vincent de Paul,"},{"startTime":3267.835,"endTime":3276.867,"body":"and we would volunteer their some of our thanksgivings as well so there was always that connection of like,"},{"startTime":3276.909,"endTime":3286.202,"body":"making pie and the night before she ended up in the hospital I had talked to her on the phone and she wasn't feeling well and she's like I'm going to make"},{"startTime":3286.181,"endTime":3298.166,"body":"pumpkin pie and I told her I was like don't stress yourself out like I can easily make it I have the ingredients if you're not feeling well just rest and."},{"startTime":3298.632,"endTime":3308.393,"body":"My dad found her like she had made the filling and it didn't get finished and so it was like this it was."},{"startTime":3309.245,"endTime":3318.961,"body":"Such a Bittersweet thing because my mom essentially died you know doing something so beautiful for our family and others."},{"startTime":3319.355,"endTime":3333.023,"body":"So you know like she had gone to Costco the night before and like all the stuff in Costco it was like still in the car like she had stocked up for my dad you know I don't know if she knew something was up but she."},{"startTime":3333.29,"endTime":3341.368,"body":"Yeah it was just food and grief go hand to hand you know I feel very fortunate that"},{"startTime":3341.302,"endTime":3352.117,"body":"my mom is a very disorganized person but the one thing that she was super organized in before she died was her recipe binder so I feel,"},{"startTime":3352.24,"endTime":3353.503,"body":"so"},{"startTime":3354.013,"endTime":3362.901,"body":"Touched that she put the effort in that because it's like a magic spell book for me like I can go back to it and then."},{"startTime":3363.871,"endTime":3368.96,"body":"And just see like you know like recipe she wanted to try recipes she."},{"startTime":3369.605,"endTime":3376.216,"body":"Loves and there's what's really really sweet is in her binder there are."},{"startTime":3376.519,"endTime":3384.435,"body":"Recipes from my blog that she printed out uneven like old old emails like I had emailed"},{"startTime":3384.288,"endTime":3393.536,"body":"her asking her for like the carnival slaw recipe and I had like an email from her that was printed out in it is really cute."},{"startTime":3393.767,"endTime":3398.361,"body":"So yeah food and grief."},{"startTime":3398.953,"endTime":3410.038,"body":"They are wrapped up in each other you know yeah its life force it's our nourishment do you think of her every time you have pumpkin pie of course yeah,"},{"startTime":3410.206,"endTime":3423.46,"body":"or I just see see the word pumpkin pie like on a menu it's just like a I think of that and profiteroles she loved cream puffs yeah and anything with beets in it."},{"startTime":3423.97,"endTime":3430.4,"body":"You know I think of you every two days before Thanksgiving you do it because."},{"startTime":3430.857,"endTime":3435.766,"body":"I remember it like that's the Ripple effects of these moments like we are also intimately connected."},{"startTime":3436.375,"endTime":3445.677,"body":"Yeah I remember very very I specifically remember these moments that you shared on Instagram or like a text or a text with you."},{"startTime":3446.431,"endTime":3454.211,"body":"Like all it's it's the Ripple effects yeah that's probably the most."},{"startTime":3454.722,"endTime":3459.442,"body":"Satisfying part of sharing my vulnerabilities."},{"startTime":3459.979,"endTime":3466.617,"body":"Just to hear that feedback of like you know my mom died three months ago and I"},{"startTime":3466.614,"endTime":3476.321,"body":"I wouldn't have known how weird grief is or what the process looks like if you hadn't shared sometimes people will be like,"},{"startTime":3476.435,"endTime":3486.953,"body":"I have a really shitty relationship with my mom but you've helped me appreciate being around her because she's really triggering but I know that like it could be gone in an instant,"},{"startTime":3486.959,"endTime":3499.16,"body":"there's so many stories that I hear like that and my mom loved that kind of stuff she loved connections and she loved the ripple effect so."},{"startTime":3499.49,"endTime":3507.739,"body":"I know she's a part of like working that magic and you know when she's something was like a coincidence or."},{"startTime":3508.555,"endTime":3517.047,"body":"She would call it a coinkidink but she would always go like do do do do do do it like the Twilight Zone so there's just like"},{"startTime":3516.955,"endTime":3526.797,"body":"crazy weird connections that happen signs happen all the time all of it and I feel very fortunate that,"},{"startTime":3526.83,"endTime":3535.853,"body":"I can connect with other people through that it really hurts when somebody's like oh my God I just lost you know this relative or whatever."},{"startTime":3536.787,"endTime":3545.909,"body":"I also I'm like I know how that feels it's so important for you to take care of yourself right now and"},{"startTime":3545.771,"endTime":3555.82,"body":"like grief has its own timeline and don't rush through it you know be gentle with yourself you're like welcome to the club yeah yeah yeah,"},{"startTime":3555.826,"endTime":3560.933,"body":"yeah it just makes sense you know and if you can show people,"},{"startTime":3561.111,"endTime":3570.746,"body":"that realness then they can access that realness with themselves and that's a real gift you know they'll love."},{"startTime":3571.193,"endTime":3578.173,"body":"That you had for somebody doesn't go away it just gets morphed into something else."},{"startTime":3579.565,"endTime":3586.248,"body":"I was wondering if you could share her full name here so sure Beverly Annette German itch,"},{"startTime":3586.407,"endTime":3593.35,"body":"everyone called her Bev or Bev or beef the beef we found out that."},{"startTime":3593.933,"endTime":3596.951,"body":"I don't know like many years ago that"},{"startTime":3596.922,"endTime":3608.979,"body":"Beverly translates into Beaver Meadow and so we old Anglo-Saxon yeah my husband's grandfather is named Beverly to which is kind of wild,"},{"startTime":3609.021,"endTime":3617.323,"body":"so yeah it's a beaver you know my mom so like that's sort of like her totem when I see a beaver,"},{"startTime":3617.402,"endTime":3624.706,"body":"always work in all we have is like if you type the word damn on your phone like d am a beaver will pop up"},{"startTime":3624.703,"endTime":3635.409,"body":"like an emoji yeah hi Mom yeah it happened you know what's also weird whenever I type okay so her name is Bev whenever I type the word the cuz"},{"startTime":3635.352,"endTime":3640.036,"body":"like sometimes they can really feel her presence she'll take over my,"},{"startTime":3640.133,"endTime":3652.801,"body":"phone sometimes and it will be like it will say Bev cuz it's real creepy yeah she she's around Beverly the Beav,"},{"startTime":3652.934,"endTime":3655.628,"body":"she wants me in a good way she's around,"},{"startTime":3655.652,"endTime":3665.585,"body":"thanks Bev Bev thanks for hanging a beast today thank you Mom thank you Tracy thank you Becca I appreciate you."},{"startTime":3665.798,"endTime":3669.987,"body":"Thank you so much for joining me,"},{"startTime":3670.119,"endTime":3680.907,"body":"in a time when our attention is being pulled in so many different directions it means a lot that you took time out of your day to spend it with me and in these important conversations."},{"startTime":3681.093,"endTime":3688.559,"body":"For show notes and links and more information about my guests you can head to belonging podcast.com"},{"startTime":3688.466,"endTime":3699.505,"body":"and if you'd like to hear more from me and get access to my free newsletter called slow and seasonal you can head to Becca piastrelli.com / subscribe."}]}