{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":0.0,"endTime":8.4,"body":"Music."},{"startTime":8.348,"endTime":18.658,"body":"This is belonging a podcast that explores being alive in the age of loneliness I'm your host Becca piastrelli,"},{"startTime":18.736,"endTime":24.636,"body":"a writer mother and Community tender currently living on the ancestral lands"},{"startTime":24.516,"endTime":29.317,"body":"the coastal walk people and present day Marin County California."},{"startTime":30.574,"endTime":36.555,"body":"In this show we explore topics like Rites of Passage cultivating meaningful community,"},{"startTime":36.768,"endTime":42.046,"body":"seasonal and cyclical living and what it means to be a good ancestor in these times."},{"startTime":42.79,"endTime":53.776,"body":"I have thought-provoking conversations with friends teachers elders and ancestral medicine Keepers to help support you in bringing more meaning and connection to your life."},{"startTime":54.52,"endTime":60.222,"body":"I also pop in here and there to share updates and learnings from my own story because we were meant to do this."},{"startTime":60.08,"endTime":65.2,"body":"Music."},{"startTime":65.125,"endTime":79.261,"body":"You can expect to be challenged by New or Old ideas face your beliefs and what systems informed them get curious and brave to tell the truth about the deeper harder things and feel comforted and then knowing that you don't."},{"startTime":79.12,"endTime":88.08,"body":"Music."},{"startTime":87.928,"endTime":90.676,"body":"Hi everyone it's Becca here."},{"startTime":90.997,"endTime":100.192,"body":"Inspired to do a solo episode on a question I'm getting a lot and have felt."},{"startTime":100.486,"endTime":106.97,"body":"Like I don't know when the right time is to answer that but I felt inspired today so"},{"startTime":106.931,"endTime":116.153,"body":"I'm getting asked a lot about PPD postpartum depression postpartum anxiety postpartum rage perinatal mood disorders."},{"startTime":116.735,"endTime":120.573,"body":"And my experience and I've felt a little bit like,"},{"startTime":120.75,"endTime":134.976,"body":"well it makes sense that people are asking because I was open I've been open about the fact that I was diagnosed in February and I have been working diligently since then too,"},{"startTime":135.046,"endTime":135.823,"body":"address it."},{"startTime":136.144,"endTime":146.733,"body":"And also like I am I through it probably not maybe is it over is it ever really over I've gotten pretty."},{"startTime":147.172,"endTime":159.04,"body":"Esoteric on the whole thing actually and I'm not a medical professional and I feel some fear around sharing what I've done I think for fear of,"},{"startTime":159.145,"endTime":166.718,"body":"I don't know crossing a line may be hurting someone in the process steering them in the wrong direction but I know that."},{"startTime":166.959,"endTime":177.899,"body":"The way we humans learn is through storytelling through the stories of others"},{"startTime":166.959,"endTime":177.899,"body":"and I want to share my story."},{"startTime":178.481,"endTime":186.667,"body":"And in a way I'm like haven't I already shared it but there's a way I want to connect the threats more deeply for you because I know"},{"startTime":186.466,"endTime":197.686,"body":"that I have gained so much in my life from hearing other folk stories I remember when I was getting ready to give birth I would listen to story after Story on,"},{"startTime":197.737,"endTime":204.879,"body":"birth our podcast which is just each episode is an interview with the woman actually not all women but interview with people about their births,"},{"startTime":204.948,"endTime":210.559,"body":"and it was so helpful for me to just be like oh this is an experience"},{"startTime":210.557,"endTime":224.558,"body":"but I am about to go through and hear all these other people's experiences and none of them are going to be like mine but it's somehow makes me feel less alone right like we're all in the room together hearing each other and because we're all not in the room together and we're just,"},{"startTime":224.618,"endTime":234.451,"body":"separated from each other it's still just hurts hurts hurts to even name that truth the beauty of podcasting has made it so that we can feel closer to each other."},{"startTime":234.683,"endTime":239.043,"body":"So where do I start,"},{"startTime":239.265,"endTime":251.214,"body":"well I had the baby had Atlas and it was hard it was hard and it was shockingly hard for me because I had done so much research."},{"startTime":251.49,"endTime":254.761,"body":"About how to not."},{"startTime":255.676,"endTime":268.624,"body":"Fall into the chasm that is the struggle of postpartum I had heard about it I'd read about it I was not someone who was like shocked like you know I wasn't someone who was just so focused on the baby."},{"startTime":269.035,"endTime":281.884,"body":"And pregnancy that I didn't think about postpartum because I as I'm being told I'm a later older mother which feels wild to me but I guess in comparison to all my ancestors and maybe other parts of the country and world I'm an older mother."},{"startTime":282.179,"endTime":286.647,"body":"So I watched a lot of people go through it and share it and so."},{"startTime":286.968,"endTime":300.969,"body":"I was aware and I thought I'm just gonna spend our money to prevent it we talked about it with in the past episode with Meghan McGuire and ariela daily about paying for the village."},{"startTime":301.245,"endTime":304.102,"body":"Turns out you can pay for support"},{"startTime":304.063,"endTime":312.798,"body":"but the village is something different it really is so anyways I remember having lots of conversations with Tim about the baby budget and how"},{"startTime":312.687,"endTime":319.676,"body":"I want to put a lot of it towards postpartum support and what does that look like postpartum doula"},{"startTime":319.556,"endTime":330.002,"body":"day postpartum doula night food and meal prep housecleaning and this was like pandemic where it was like a real negotiation to get people even come in the home,"},{"startTime":330.17,"endTime":342.146,"body":"and oh like Bodywork acupuncture a chiropractor for the baby chiropractor for me and it was a big negotiation because it was a lot of money it was a lot of money that we,"},{"startTime":342.161,"endTime":352.3,"body":"we're going on vacation so I pulled all of the acts like a little vacation fund we pulled all that and we decided not to do certain like house projects we pulled all that it was like okay"},{"startTime":352.234,"endTime":358.908,"body":"this is actually and it's a lot of money and I felt guilt and shame this whole time about being able to,"},{"startTime":359.031,"endTime":366.695,"body":"spend that money when so many folks cannot and so had the baby and for whatever reason,"},{"startTime":366.818,"endTime":370.899,"body":"Divine physiological that first week was really hard,"},{"startTime":371.121,"endTime":379.505,"body":"I think it's because I didn't sleep for two days when I was in labor and then that first week with Atlas"},{"startTime":379.403,"endTime":390.65,"body":"honestly she slipped you know fine you know babies sleep and eat and poop and sleep in it but I had a really intense nervous system reaction where I was just so jacked up."},{"startTime":390.944,"endTime":392.054,"body":"Adrenaline."},{"startTime":392.438,"endTime":405.342,"body":"So jacked up that I couldn't really rest and I remember even the Creak of a door would just send adrenaline spiking through my body and I still get that it's a lot less but it's still get that and then the other thing is"},{"startTime":405.168,"endTime":409.321,"body":"it was Peak fire season here in California and I remember,"},{"startTime":409.363,"endTime":422.347,"body":"I've shared this before I'll just keep sharing it on like the fifth or sixth day postpartum that the smoke was really really thick in the air from a fire quite north of us"},{"startTime":422.308,"endTime":430.269,"body":"and we weren't in danger from the fire but the smoke was so thick that you have to shut all the windows and it's really hot so,"},{"startTime":430.392,"endTime":438.578,"body":"you're hot inside but if you open the windows you choked on smoke in the air quality index was so bad and I have a small baby so we're not gonna open the windows,"},{"startTime":438.629,"endTime":448.922,"body":"and that day the smoke was so thick it's like the sun didn't rise it Rose but it was just it was it was red it was dark red and the whole day it was like."},{"startTime":449.909,"endTime":453.468,"body":"We lived on Mars so that."},{"startTime":453.861,"endTime":466.278,"body":"It was a blow to my mental health and couldn't really sleep and that compounded and then Tim was not doing well he was not doing well with the lack of sleep and his own"},{"startTime":466.194,"endTime":473.255,"body":"anxiety response and he struggled with insomnia for years and he had to go back to work pretty quick"},{"startTime":473.252,"endTime":487.217,"body":"so the family system was not held and yes we had people coming with beautiful postpartum doulas and a wonderful meal training and also we were really nervous with the pandemic at that time."},{"startTime":487.529,"endTime":496.634,"body":"About you know just afraid our baby's gonna code and die so it was it was lonely and it was isolating and we got through it,"},{"startTime":496.775,"endTime":506.932,"body":"and I'm going to fast forward a little bit because that was not when I was diagnosed and that was sort of a time when it was hard and I just remember though this feeling."},{"startTime":507.406,"endTime":515.574,"body":"In the next year of being like that was really hard and I don't think that is hard for everyone and therefore what's wrong with me."},{"startTime":516.103,"endTime":525.819,"body":"Why didn't I do that better I've since learned a lot of people have different versions of hard and don't share it on the internet ha who would want to share on the internet,"},{"startTime":525.888,"endTime":533.768,"body":"it was like a poison in the well where we got through it and Atlas grew and slept more and I started sleeping there's lots of little stories that I"},{"startTime":533.612,"endTime":542.203,"body":"don't think are worth mentioning now on this episode but I had this constant shame that it felt like for a year I never recovered from,"},{"startTime":542.398,"endTime":553.6,"body":"that first week you know the rains came and Alice got teeth and started eating solids and crawl but there was still this heaviness around me,"},{"startTime":553.723,"endTime":560.037,"body":"and really the way it was coming out was with anger I was really angry."},{"startTime":560.277,"endTime":565.708,"body":"And I was mostly targeting that anger at my partner."},{"startTime":566.128,"endTime":575.926,"body":"I'm going to pause here and say that I did an episode on another podcast interview with Nicole Antoinette who was also a recent guest here talking about hiking alone in the wilderness"},{"startTime":575.752,"endTime":585.99,"body":"she has a podcast called pop-up pod where her first season was all about different aspects of marriage and I shared an episode called the baby Bomb"},{"startTime":585.816,"endTime":594.659,"body":"where I talk about how having a baby was like throwing a bomb in my marriage so I'm going to reference you to go listen to that if you want to hear me talk more about"},{"startTime":594.629,"endTime":603.418,"body":"how it impacted our marriage spoiler alert we're okay it was hard okay so if you want to hear more about that you can listen to that but"},{"startTime":603.326,"endTime":610.854,"body":"I was really I was angry and I realized my anger was targeted at a human being but I was mad."},{"startTime":611.148,"endTime":620.577,"body":"About everything I was mad about everything I could feel the emotion I was so fucking mad I was mad."},{"startTime":621.123,"endTime":625.015,"body":"That I was pregnant alone in my house."},{"startTime":625.354,"endTime":638.563,"body":"And I didn't I needed to be witnessed I needed to be witnessed in this massive transition that I caught I prayed for was really hard for us to get a baby took a few years and some losses."},{"startTime":639.209,"endTime":647.106,"body":"And then I finally got it and it just felt like the loneliness really in the isolation really really hurt"},{"startTime":647.104,"endTime":657.018,"body":"and then having a baby and paying for a village and realizing it was helpful but it wasn't like the Deep sense of being held."},{"startTime":657.744,"endTime":664.427,"body":"By Elders sisters Auntie's grandfather's uncle's."},{"startTime":665.144,"endTime":672.412,"body":"Siblings there was a way in which I just didn't have that feeling and then I had a partner who was really checked out."},{"startTime":672.823,"endTime":679.848,"body":"Out of survival have a lot of compassion now and then I just felt angry about being alive in this time"},{"startTime":679.683,"endTime":691.902,"body":"and then I felt angry for every mother I felt angry for the single mothers I felt angry for the young mothers I felt angry for the mothers who didn't have a choice in becoming mother's I just felt like a volcano erupting,"},{"startTime":691.962,"endTime":697.465,"body":"every night put her to sleep and then kaboom."},{"startTime":698.389,"endTime":708.502,"body":"And I did so much I went on herbs but with breastfeeding there certain herbs you can't take and I was getting acupuncture and I was talk therapy and then Tim and I are in couples therapy"},{"startTime":708.319,"endTime":715.704,"body":"how's working so hard on getting better and thinking well now that her molars have popped through now that"},{"startTime":715.521,"endTime":730.62,"body":"she's eating more solids now that she's sleeping more now that I'm stopping working I had to back off from working in a major way shut down my membership Community as soon as I was done promoting my book like they're all these ways in which I was"},{"startTime":730.528,"endTime":738.867,"body":"backing off to try to take care of my mental health and thinking soon soon we'll be okay I'll be okay."},{"startTime":739.161,"endTime":746.879,"body":"And then I was sitting in my acupuncturist office and she's a dear dear healer of mine I saw her every week"},{"startTime":746.876,"endTime":758.627,"body":"in the year leading up to Alice's birth she was at atlases brush came and moved the labor along literally sitting underneath me as I'm on all fours moaning."},{"startTime":759.092,"endTime":763.245,"body":"With each contraction and she paused she'd sit she'd like."},{"startTime":763.476,"endTime":774.903,"body":"Peer under me and say hi honey this is Lindsay Coleman Marine acupuncture and then wait for me to like Roar my way through contraction and then pop a few needles in my points,"},{"startTime":774.954,"endTime":784.571,"body":"and then wait again and then put like some more acupressure points on me I love her but we were sitting in her office."},{"startTime":785.693,"endTime":795.824,"body":"And I said to her the rage is still so hot hot hot and I'm I'm really struggling with it and she looked at me and she said Becky you're not yourself."},{"startTime":797.216,"endTime":806.969,"body":"You're not yourself and I know you as a leader in your community someone who is so compelled by your mission."},{"startTime":807.515,"endTime":813.468,"body":"And you've just come out this beautiful book"},{"startTime":807.515,"endTime":813.468,"body":"and you're starting to not feel a connection to it."},{"startTime":814.123,"endTime":822.795,"body":"And you're not yourself and that was like boom in my chest I just felt like."},{"startTime":823.314,"endTime":829.114,"body":"Okay drop your sword"},{"startTime":823.314,"endTime":829.114,"body":"here we are."},{"startTime":829.994,"endTime":834.309,"body":"What's true"},{"startTime":829.994,"endTime":834.309,"body":"so then."},{"startTime":834.666,"endTime":844.166,"body":"The next day I was in couples therapy with Tim and I shared you know I think I think I'm going to talk to a doctor about."},{"startTime":844.496,"endTime":856.274,"body":"About this this rage because we kept talking about the volcano in the room the volcano in the room or the monster and I just said I think I've been seeing Tim as the monster but I'm actually the monster in the room."},{"startTime":857.478,"endTime":866.834,"body":"And that scares me so I'm going to go see a doctor and I just saw Tim's shoulders drop and take a deep breath."},{"startTime":868.181,"endTime":873.775,"body":"I saw and felt such relief at this admission."},{"startTime":874.51,"endTime":879.896,"body":"And that was like evidence number 2 okay okay."},{"startTime":880.298,"endTime":891.788,"body":"So the next day I have a wonderful doctor looks like a doctor office where you can see any doctor virtually so I got on the line with this doctor who is also a mother."},{"startTime":892.442,"endTime":898.351,"body":"And I did that there's a standard questionnaire."},{"startTime":899.05,"endTime":909.874,"body":"That I had to fill out every time I went to atlases pediatrician and every time I filled it out it's for it's a postpartum depression questionnaire every time I filled it out it's like"},{"startTime":909.862,"endTime":915.203,"body":"I didn't lie but it's like I didn't see what was true so."},{"startTime":915.992,"endTime":928.292,"body":"I would just like be like I'm fine I'm tired the issue is I'm tired"},{"startTime":915.992,"endTime":928.292,"body":"and it's okay because Alice is sleeping now she had a good nap today or whatever so I did the questionnaire verbally."},{"startTime":928.911,"endTime":938.195,"body":"And she said oh yeah Yep this is a diagnosis yep and she called in medication."},{"startTime":939.083,"endTime":947.251,"body":"So I'm going to talk about pharmaceuticals and my experience with it now and I feel a little nervous but I'm going to show you my my experience."},{"startTime":948.004,"endTime":956.964,"body":"So she called in Zoloft and I started taking it the next day and I remember I have a dear friend in my Women's Circle."},{"startTime":957.709,"endTime":967.362,"body":"Who the night before I was like oh God I'm going on this medication last time I was on anti-anxiety and anti-depression medication was in,"},{"startTime":967.449,"endTime":975.284,"body":"High School the height of my eating disorder and numbed me out I'm so nervous and but I know that I need to be liked."},{"startTime":975.704,"endTime":985.241,"body":"Pulled out from the mud lifted up into a higher buoyant place and she said oh Becca."},{"startTime":985.643,"endTime":995.737,"body":"I relabel my Zoloft bottles with the word hope I literally cover the bottles in tape and I write the word hope."},{"startTime":996.356,"endTime":999.068,"body":"On them they are hope."},{"startTime":1000.281,"endTime":1014.552,"body":"Let them be your hope so I held the bottle in my hand and I just asked for Hope help and hope and I started taking them and it was a rocky few weeks."},{"startTime":1014.909,"endTime":1019.548,"body":"Had an anxiety attack panic attack the first night or no second night."},{"startTime":1020.067,"endTime":1033.142,"body":"That timer to talk me through but very similar to a few panic attacks I had in the early days of my postpartum when I was taking the my placenta pills which."},{"startTime":1033.751,"endTime":1041.694,"body":"That was not a good idea for me because it was like too much hormones at once when I was having a Cascade of hormones post-birth I'm realizing,"},{"startTime":1041.871,"endTime":1053.667,"body":"placenta pills are a lot more helpful for me probably when I'm in menopause and I need that boost so it was like too much I was like a lot of hormonal activation in my brain,"},{"startTime":1053.79,"endTime":1056.917,"body":"and body and then,"},{"startTime":1057.04,"endTime":1070.753,"body":"my doctor said just wait it out and then I also got diarrhea for two weeks straight which is because a lot of these hormone receptors are in the gut so I waited it out waited it out,"},{"startTime":1070.84,"endTime":1077.523,"body":"and then started to feel like literally like I was physically lifted out of the depths."},{"startTime":1078.042,"endTime":1085.859,"body":"And it was beautiful"},{"startTime":1078.042,"endTime":1085.859,"body":"and it was subtle and Serene."},{"startTime":1086.477,"endTime":1094.78,"body":"It was more like I would just"},{"startTime":1086.477,"endTime":1094.78,"body":"that the sun would go down and we put out this to bed and I was just okay I was okay,"},{"startTime":1102.825,"endTime":1111.957,"body":"and that was really great for about six weeks it's really really nice and then it was like I hit the ceiling all of a sudden I hit the ceiling."},{"startTime":1123.45,"endTime":1129.529,"body":"I didn't like that and I did some research and talked to the doctor and there's like not a lot of like."},{"startTime":1130.03,"endTime":1136.326,"body":"Medical documentation but there is a lot of conversation online about this being a"},{"startTime":1136.233,"endTime":1145.103,"body":"side effect for cycling patients people who are cycling of which I am so I all of a sudden said you know what."},{"startTime":1146.054,"endTime":1149.091,"body":"I think I'm ready for another option."},{"startTime":1149.394,"endTime":1159.128,"body":"But I'm really scared of going off so often Tim was really nervous like we are just getting to like a place of like being okay hugging again like."},{"startTime":1160.386,"endTime":1174.063,"body":"I'm what go on another one and so that's when my friend Catina sent me an article and I started just literally seeing it everywhere about micro dosing psilocybin for specifically."},{"startTime":1174.519,"endTime":1177.223,"body":"Breastfeeding postpartum women"},{"startTime":1177.067,"endTime":1193.103,"body":"who are extended breastfeeding so going over 18 months so I'm still breastfeeding and there's a there at the 18-month Mark it's showing that that can cross to a place of depletion for the mother and I'm like yeah that's what I'm feeling deeply depleted"},{"startTime":1192.992,"endTime":1195.993,"body":"and this article"},{"startTime":1195.945,"endTime":1205.445,"body":"was really powerful than I just it was like all of a sudden psilocybin is on the scene maybe you think that too and I'm familiar with psilocybin and."},{"startTime":1206.144,"endTime":1210.828,"body":"I'm just going to say I'm going to talk about that now"},{"startTime":1206.144,"endTime":1210.828,"body":"and."},{"startTime":1211.141,"endTime":1223.387,"body":"And write your curiosity and if you want to know more that you do the research and you talk to your professional I'm very open about it with all my medical providers and they are so supportive and understanding so"},{"startTime":1223.24,"endTime":1233.046,"body":"I got in touch with a provider here who works specifically with people like me and my partner Tim so folks with"},{"startTime":1232.926,"endTime":1237.916,"body":"Tendencies look like ADHD that's dim and postpartum"},{"startTime":1237.868,"endTime":1244.893,"body":"Mama's who are struggling with depression anxiety rage and are breastfeeding and"},{"startTime":1244.872,"endTime":1250.519,"body":"tapering off of pharmaceutical anti-depression medication,"},{"startTime":1250.67,"endTime":1260.134,"body":"and she's been really really wonderful and so I talked to my doctor and we agreed like okay let's let's start tapering."},{"startTime":1260.572,"endTime":1270.009,"body":"It took me a month to taper and about halfway through taper I started very very small dose micro dosing of psilocybin,"},{"startTime":1270.169,"endTime":1283.792,"body":"with lion's mane to support with the fatigue and brain fog that very naturally happens with breastfeeding because as we learn from our episode with Rochelle Garcia's illega."},{"startTime":1284.023,"endTime":1287.042,"body":"Otherwise known as innate postpartum is that."},{"startTime":1287.777,"endTime":1294.91,"body":"The fat in the breast milk is stripped off the brain of the mother the breastfeeding woman."},{"startTime":1295.339,"endTime":1299.744,"body":"So it takes a lot of energy."},{"startTime":1300.317,"endTime":1307.387,"body":"From the brain to make the milk and so that's where the brain fog comes from in like the mommy brain or."},{"startTime":1307.735,"endTime":1315.318,"body":"Yeah it's really frustrating I got to tell you so I have been now doing many things,"},{"startTime":1315.342,"endTime":1328.272,"body":"but I'm off the Zoloft which again I give such gratitude to for lifting out of the depths I am still tweaking my protocol with the mushrooms"},{"startTime":1328.26,"endTime":1333.16,"body":"but I have to say it's been an incredible truly truly."},{"startTime":1334.067,"endTime":1344.971,"body":"Incredible I'm on my knees and gratitude to this being to these ancient ones these mushrooms that I feel deeply supported by."},{"startTime":1345.301,"endTime":1353.325,"body":"And I can mother through and I am conscious and have my agency in faculties about me"},{"startTime":1353.232,"endTime":1364.083,"body":"and I'm able to still breastfeed because it's Trace Amounts again this is my choice do you research if you want to anyone is going to introduce Atlas to"},{"startTime":1363.99,"endTime":1370.448,"body":"the mushroom world it's going to be me in my body and yeah I'm doing a lot of other,"},{"startTime":1370.454,"endTime":1383.402,"body":"things to bring safety a sense of safety back to my nervous system to my metabolism to my skin in my bones and my heart and I understand that."},{"startTime":1384.02,"endTime":1392.602,"body":"I'm not in a place to be cured because postpartum is forever thank you Andrew Magnolia Hill for."},{"startTime":1393.383,"endTime":1394.988,"body":"Voicing that to me."},{"startTime":1395.309,"endTime":1403.684,"body":"But I feel more creative More Alive more InTune more aware more present more in love with my child,"},{"startTime":1403.879,"endTime":1413.541,"body":"deeply appreciative and in love with my partner a real accepting of my body a real embodying of my seasonality and sick legality."},{"startTime":1414.511,"endTime":1420.824,"body":"I'm present to who I'm becoming in this year's Long mature Essence rite of passage."},{"startTime":1422.127,"endTime":1430.916,"body":"I'm going to have another episode with a mama of three where we're going to dive more deeply into this so I think I'll end there,"},{"startTime":1431.12,"endTime":1436.371,"body":"and maybe you have questions if you have questions you can send them to me."},{"startTime":1438.079,"endTime":1444.599,"body":"Then I'll answer them maybe that's the other thing is I feel really solid in my boundaries."},{"startTime":1445.434,"endTime":1450.982,"body":"And more deeply understanding my time and capacity limits."},{"startTime":1452.536,"endTime":1458.526,"body":"A real acceptance I feel real acceptance so yeah that's where I'm at."},{"startTime":1458.748,"endTime":1463.855,"body":"I still have days when I'm blue I still get angry."},{"startTime":1464.203,"endTime":1469.59,"body":"And I feel a lot more like I'm holding the wand of the blueness and the anger."},{"startTime":1469.839,"endTime":1475.261,"body":"Like I'm directing that energy rather than it directing me,"},{"startTime":1475.303,"endTime":1489.989,"body":"so that feels really good and Atlas is almost too and there's a natural individuation starting to happen we're on the weaning Journey which is going to be long and slow which is the way I listen I do things there's no quick for us"},{"startTime":1490.706,"endTime":1500.197,"body":"so it's also time right there's also time here if you're listening to this and you're in that first year I'm not the person to tell you what to do to immediately feel better,"},{"startTime":1500.284,"endTime":1509.056,"body":"although I always think sleep and water and food are good go twos but if there's a deeper existential,"},{"startTime":1509.242,"endTime":1517.212,"body":"sadness or anger or just like instability"},{"startTime":1509.242,"endTime":1517.212,"body":"this is where I'm"},{"startTime":1517.092,"endTime":1527.465,"body":"I just want to say there's a pathologize incredible shelter Garcia's Liga talks about this in our interview if you want to go back to that episode was like a year and a half ago mothering the mothers"},{"startTime":1527.336,"endTime":1535.846,"body":"and there's a pathologizing of like the very natural response to having a child in these times as."},{"startTime":1536.402,"endTime":1547.819,"body":"Postpartum depression I don't really know where I stand on that where I'm like yes I 100% like do I have a diagnosable chemical imbalance."},{"startTime":1548.276,"endTime":1557.623,"body":"Maybe maybe are some people less prone to this response may be is this also because of my age probably."},{"startTime":1558.43,"endTime":1559.828,"body":"And also,"},{"startTime":1560.033,"endTime":1568.867,"body":"the anger and the anxiety and the sadness I felt from conception feels deep and ancestral and systemic."},{"startTime":1569.431,"endTime":1570.721,"body":"Of being."},{"startTime":1571.078,"endTime":1580.804,"body":"A mother in these times particularly with the deeper pain of the early shutdowns of covid and the."},{"startTime":1581.107,"endTime":1586.889,"body":"Climate change realities of the Sun not Rising that day there's a particular."},{"startTime":1587.192,"endTime":1596.756,"body":"Texture flavor to what I had that feels like I think that's why I'm on the mic right now sharing this with you because what I fear is that."},{"startTime":1597.131,"endTime":1608.369,"body":"Mama's who are in a situation like this feel like oh my brain is broken oh I can't handle this and it's like whatever you need to do to feel better."},{"startTime":1609.122,"endTime":1617.641,"body":"I'm with you I'm a proponent of"},{"startTime":1609.122,"endTime":1617.641,"body":"and it's a very unnatural thing to be."},{"startTime":1618.7,"endTime":1621.809,"body":"Alone in your early mothering."},{"startTime":1623.021,"endTime":1631.117,"body":"Even if you have to pay for the village and even if your partner's so present there isn't aloneness there isn't a loneness in all of this."},{"startTime":1632.591,"endTime":1637.365,"body":"So like most things I talk about I'm in I'm in the inquiry."},{"startTime":1638.019,"endTime":1643.972,"body":"I don't think I need to know I don't think I need to know if postpartum depression isn't a cute."},{"startTime":1644.366,"endTime":1649.401,"body":"Imbalance of the body or if it's a systemic aching wound."},{"startTime":1651.289,"endTime":1660.033,"body":"I don't know both"},{"startTime":1651.289,"endTime":1660.033,"body":"but I hope that what I've shared today"},{"startTime":1662.298,"endTime":1668.729,"body":"I'm just so grateful to be feeling good today I'm so grateful for having moved through it."},{"startTime":1669.05,"endTime":1677.479,"body":"I don't know if I have another baby because of it I don't know"},{"startTime":1669.05,"endTime":1677.479,"body":"let's see,"},{"startTime":1677.665,"endTime":1683.799,"body":"okay I'll end it there thank you for listening I love you,"},{"startTime":1683.985,"endTime":1689.452,"body":"thank you so much for joining me,"},{"startTime":1689.611,"endTime":1700.381,"body":"in a time when our attention is being pulled in so many different directions it means a lot that you took time out of your day to spend it with me and in these important conversations,"},{"startTime":1700.576,"endTime":1708.015,"body":"for show notes and links and more information about my guests you can head to belonging podcast.com."},{"startTime":1708.273,"endTime":1718.988,"body":"If you'd like to hear more from me and get access to my free newsletter called slow and seasonal you can head to Becca piastrelli.com / subscribe."}]}