Kaisha Lux on Faith, Gender, and Writing Your Own Script

Episode 4 of Under the Brown Rainbow welcomes Kaisha Lux – a writer, advocate, DJ, photographer, and filmmaker reflecting on trans life, family dialogue, and joy in the South Asian context. Her pronouns are she/they.

In this conversation with host Kashif Harrison, Kaisha opens up about growing up in a religious Gujarati family in Western Sydney, where gendered roles were strict and spirituality was central – and what it meant to realise she didn't fit any of the boxes she'd been given. She shares the two-year deliberation before starting hormones, why the Western "just do it" narrative around transition doesn't account for the weight of community and culture (or the misinformation that fuels fear in South Asian families) and how her brother became her first and fiercest ally.

We also talk about finding representation for the first time through another brown trans woman online, the gap in mental health support for trans South Asians in Australia, and why reconnecting with chai, Bollywood classics, and spirituality has been part of her healing – not something she had to leave behind.

Under the Brown Rainbow is hosted by Kashif Harrison and produced by Kunal Mirchandani. Presented by Trikone Australia.

Transcript

0:05

I'm your host for the show. I'm a queer performer and presenter. My pronouns are he/him and I am a proud South Asian. These are the stories that we bring to you in ‘Under the Brown Rainbow’. So let's begin today's episode. Today on the show, I've got, someone who is very important for this community. I would say, because I feel growing up, I would say, because I feel growing up, I really wanted someone who could I who I could see as myself. I really wanted someone who could I who I could see as myself. And I think this is exactly what's going to happen today. Someone out there is going to say, hey, listen, I've got my people out there. Kaisha Lux, welcome to the show. Hello. Hello. You identify as she/they. And you are a writer, an advocate reflecting on trans life, family dialogues and joy in the South Asian context. Girl, that's a lot that you carry on your shoulders. How do you do all of that? Don't we all? True. Yeah. What can I say? We all come from very complex, multifaceted backgrounds. We do. At the end of the day, you've got to be yourself. and you got to bring your whole self to the world. Bring your whole self to the world. I love that. Yeah. And on that we're just going to go further. Can I ask you that growing up has been a journey for you, right? So, I would definitely want you to first thing before even starting anything, look into your camera and just tell someone who is on that journey, maybe is going to start that journey... a little message of love that you want to share that with them. I would say don't be afraid. It's a scary world out there. It can feel especially scary at times like this right now. The way I see it, we have two sort of types of choices we can make, right? Live in a world where One is to, everyone around you is, is alien, everyone around you is, is alien, who is scary, who's not on your side. who is scary, who's not on your side. At times, it can feel like there's no other option. But we do have that other choice of letting ourselves change and letting ourselves evolve letting ourselves change and letting ourselves evolve and letting others evolve and change around us as well. and letting others evolve and change around us as well. I think it's important to embrace that, if there's anyone out there who will get this reference to “see the TV glow”. We can go more into that if you want. We will indeed. But now I'm just going to ask you to take us through your journey. The childhood journey. Okay. And if I ask you that, what growing up was for you. And when did you begin to understand the importance of gender identity? I grew up in Australia. But I was born in India, in Mumbai. But I was born in India, in Mumbai. My parents moved here when I was probably about 6 or 7 months old. My parents moved here when I was probably about 6 or 7 months old. So little baby. We were very religious growing up, and it was such a stark contrast to the world where I would like, to the world where I would go to school and I'd be surrounded by all these goddess you know, go to school and I'd be surrounded by all these goras and all these people from all these other communities. Especially growing up in western Sydney where, you know, it's a very diverse, broad range of people. Sort of all these people that felt foreign, felt distant, felt like they were not my people. I think I developed a sense of How am I going to belong in this world, right? How to kind of find myself and forge my own path. I think one of the powers that comes to you as someone from, a South Asian background or any other background, you have to almost build your own way through. you have to almost build your own way through. You’re kind of forced to challenge a few norms while you're at it. All of my classmates in school all the people I would see outside of school on the weekends, things like that, very different upbringings to mine. And so we had to find a way to connect, share differences, but also to be ourselves at the same time. but also to be ourselves at the same time. I would say one of the earliest experiences of gender identity came from finding myself in that world where wasn't always the one that was, Kind of had a path set out for me. You know, I think it's kind of cliche to say this, but I had a feeling I was different from the beginning. For some of us it comes a bit later on in life. For some of us we kind of just know very early on. But I think at the root of it is like having that feeling in you of like there's something different about me and, it's okay to accept that and it's okay to like, embrace that. Cause so many times from the world around us, we're told to shut it out or, bottle it up or forget about it. We're told it's just a phase or something, you know? Now what were some of the biggest challenges you may have faced navigating the traditional South Asian expectations around gender identity? I think this will kind of link into the last one as well of like, growing up in, like in a close knit family, very religious, very tied to our culture. Like, my parents came here into a world that was so unknown and held on to their values and their beliefs and their culture. Wanted to make sure that myself And wanted to make sure that myself and my little brother as well, held onto that as well, that we, that they passed it down to us. Being part of the religious community was one of those things and being tied to our, like spirituality and devotion was one of those things as well. A religion itself comes with so many, expectations and so many rules and so many kind of ideals for how you should be as a person kind of so many roles you have to fill, to devote yourself in a particular way. to devote yourself in a particular way. I think one of the things that taught me was perseverance and Like, resilience and, and that kind of spirit of, like, powering through and really committing yourself to something. powering through and really committing yourself to something. But at the same time, you know, it showed me all of these boxes that I was told I need to fit into. all of these boxes that I was told I need to fit into. Being part of a religious community, you have some event, you know, there's a very specific way there's a very specific way you have to carry yourself, there’s a very specific way you have to dress. There’s very specific gendered roles that play like the men will do this, the women will do this. You're in your separate buckets. That's how you're going to exist and that's how it's done. That's how it's been done for hundreds of years. That's one of my, I think, earliest experiences where I felt really challenged and was like, What if I didn't do that? You speak of, spirituality. So, I'm assuming that you are religious. Yes. Right. Yes. And you did touch on it a bit, and I just want to maybe get a bit more, thoughts on that, that, when you go to a typical marriage, you know, on a mandap. Absolutely. It's a man and a woman marrying each other. Then you sort of question that. Where do we fit in? And, you know, funny that we can modify as much as we want our lives. Yeah. But the religion or the religious scholars will never modify themselves. Yeah. The system. Yeah. Right. How do you navigate around that, I guess? It's one of those things that you find yourself challenging almost the entire system itself. Challenging almost the entire system itself. Right? When it comes to something like this, I think there is a way in which we can find we can find a marriage between the two of, things that are so sacred to us in terms of our spirituality, in terms of, devotion, in terms of our ability to, call to something greater. I like to say I'm from a religious background, but, you know, the way I practice my religion is very different to how it was growing up nowadays. And I think there's a way that we can find a middle ground between those things. You can still be close to, you know, your spirituality and your devotion, but at the same time, find space for and your devotion, but at the same time, find space for and make space for, who you are as a person. Not just how you present, and how you are externally, but how you are internally as well. Who you love and who you want to be. Like, I'm a practicing Christian myself. And my partner as well. And although my partner has this very progressive church and a system that he goes to, whereas I was born into a very Protestant family then became Pentecostals and, you know, the kind of system where being gay is sin. End of story. Yeah. Whereas my partner is from a progressive church and a system where being gay is more inviting, inclusivity kind of getting into that, understanding it, it's a bit different. It hits different. Yeah. But you're right, there is there are progressive. But you're right, there are progressive religion systems and communities out there, doing religion in a bit more different and accepting way. in a bit more different and accepting way. In a more healing way. Yeah. Because that's exactly what spirituality is, right? No matter what religion. It's that healing. Yeah. And if I can touch on like what we were kind of going into as well, like once I realized who I wanted to be and what my identity was and I was coming to terms with being trans like I had this enormous kind of weight hanging over my head and this anxiety and this fear of, what will happen when I come out, or if I do ever come out to this community. Like, at the time, I think my biggest fear was my own family and my own parents and how that would go. was my own family and my own parents and how that would go. There was also that broader question of like, what would that look like for someone like me to, like, what would that look like for someone like me to, like, what would that look like for someone like me to, like, show up as a trans woman in that community and, to bring myself in that way where there's seemingly no script for how it was done before. All those little details you pick up on, like, how you should look and how you should dress and how you should present yourself and how you should behave. A lot of those things were, you know, kind of contributing to something more positive in terms of your sort of spirituality, more positive in terms of your spirituality, but at the same time was so reductive and so closed off to being any kind of unique person of your own. And that’s where I had this enormous fear of like people just wouldn't accept me in that way. Maybe that's not the case, Iit was really hard to get an idea of what that would be like before I actually came out. So if I take you back to that moment. When you thought that, hey, you know what, I'm actually going to tell someone about who I feel inside out. What was that moment like. And then that journey from there on? Because there are two aspects to it. Right. A mental and a physical transformation. So just talk us through maybe that. Yeah. One of the first people I came out to One of the first people I came out to and that I sort of took on that journey with me was my brother. Like, from the moment I told him, it was always the sweetest, most positive interaction, you know? Most supportive of a sibling could be in that situation. It was really comforting to have that person who was there to kind of say to me like, yeah, I understand. I see you. Kind of understood how it was growing up in that community and within that culture. Kind of understand all of those anxieties I was having about How will people respond? He was there as a rock, you know to take off some of that burden, some of that stress. There’s a really important point here about so much of the narrative that you see in Western white dominated spaces about coming out, especially coming out as a trans person is focused around is focused around your own independence and your own autonomy and your own right to say who you are, which is absolutely, really important. But there's this whole notion of you know, not being outed by someone else. In so many ways, I absolutely agree. But there's also an aspect I think of when you come from sort of diverse backgrounds where you almost need that support from others because I know that it's a really, really difficult thing. And it's a really challenging thing to take this to a community that has been taught to not accept these things. First of all shout out to your brother. Hello. Excuse me. I know right. Salute. Ally. We love allies. Ally from the get go. Absolutely. Yeah. And you're right. It's important to get that from someone your own, like your family. Not your chosen family, but your family. And if you get that, great. Unfortunately, some of the community's stories and you know that families that we come across don't end up having that much of a, a progressive approach for someone who is open to what we have to say. Shout out to your brother. Yeah, shout out to my brother. Shout out to the brother. Yeah. I love you. Sibling allyship is what we want. Absolutely. Absolutely. That was a mental part, right? Let's talk about the physical transformation that you thought of going through. Because what I feel is like now in the world of today that we live in. And you're right, the white representing communities out there they've made it, that, hey, listen, anyone can transform. You know, it's just like you need to go to the doctor's, get this, get that and done. Yeah. Wear a dress and then you're done. Yeah. And that is so not okay. No. Especially because, first of all, we don't give our voices that easily. Right? But also, there's a lot of misrepresentation, misinformation out there, which really makes our families, our ethnic, diverse families fear the worst. Right? Things like, ooh, if you are queer, you might die of AIDS, right? Yeah. That's the first thing that comes to their mind. Yeah. And if you're trans, you'll have to do an operation straight away. What? I did not even think of that. Yeah. Yeah. Talk us through that. You're reminding me of something. Sorry. How was that physical transformation? Or maybe when you decided. Hey, listen, you know what? This is who I am. I made up my mind, and this is who I genuinely feel inside out, and I think I need to take steps. How did that come to be? It was a journey. For sure. I think I recently passed eight years since I first kind of thought about seeing a gender therapist. A lot of what I've understood about like transition at that point about like transition at that point was from those traditional online spaces, traditional resources that tend to be traditional online spaces, traditional resources that tend to be from a Western perspective, from a white centric perspective. But it took me between then and actually But it took me between then and actually when I started taking hormones was another two years in between. when I started taking hormones was another two years in between. when I started taking hormones was another two years in between. And that was two years of purely just sitting on it and deliberating and And that was two years of purely just sitting on it and deliberating and come to terms with what it is I was kind of going to do, what it is I was going to do, but also kind of considering how is it going to impact everyone else in my life Because there was no script or mold for how to do that. That was really scary. And that was really scary. One of the most powerful moments I remember is Yeah, I was I was scrolling through Instagram I saw, like, a post from, from Trinetra, an activist, an actress, gorgeous woman. Such a powerful voice. At that point was the only other, brown trans woman I'd ever heard of in my life. I think that was a really pivotal moment for me of, like, just seeing that visibility and that representation like stuff she was posting about was around transition kind of how she'd managed it and how she'd kind of gone through those things. And sharing those experiences. And I think that was like a wake up moment for me of like, And I think that was like a wake up moment for me of like, there is there is a way to do this. And there is a way to make it happen. What role has the South Asian community itself, What role have they played in your healing journey? Great question. Great question. I think I am still on that journey. first thing that comes to mind is Trikone, obviously. There you go. Just being able to be in a space with other South Asian queers is so, so powerful and so, so special. is so, so powerful. And to have that community that is cut from the same cloth and who understands you. But also it's not just about kind of the support. But also it's not just about kind of the support. It's about, celebrating all the special occasions and the events and, I've done a lot of work with my therapist on this stuff, actually, I found myself kind of at war with accepting myself and accepting my identity kind of at war with accepting myself and accepting my identity because I knew on the inside who I wanted to be, but kind of didn't have the means but didn't have the means or the ability to see myself do that. or the ability to see myself do that. You know, I was in this place of really shutting myself down emotionally and physically. I think one of the things that I've started doing now and I'm still continuing to do, I'm still working on this stuff, is reconnecting with the things that I enjoyed during my childhood, that I enjoyed with my family, waking up on a, on a Sunday morning and making a pot of chai, like, simple things. But also like, you know, going back and watching classic Bollywood movies that I watched with my family growing up. And listening to, And listening to, the music that we had growing up. Also finding those parts of, my religion and my spirituality that I do want to still connect with. Those have all been really, really healing when I first came out, it was like, oh, that whole world doesn't accept me. I'm going to push all of that away. You know, and that was a that was something I had to do to survive. But now I think it's how can I bring But now I think it's how can I bring But now I think it's how can I bring all those things back. Let myself be part of more than one community and more than one kind of identity. What does, getting help for mental health, look like for a trans person in Australia? Like, do you go to a GP if you could maybe just talk us through that. Yeah. And what does it look like? It's come a long way since I first started kind of going through the motions. Before, a few years ago, you had to kind of go see a GP first and then get a referral to see, like a gender therapist who would kind of basically like a psychologist who would sit down with you and kind of talk you through what you want to do and make sure that you were informed about what you wanted to do with your transition. But then also you needed to make sure that they signed off on it. You know, if you wanted to go on hormones, you could go and see an endocrinologist or something. But from a mental health perspective, there were only a couple of gender therapists available, and they tend to have quite a conservative or traditional view And they tend to have quite a conservative or traditional view on gender transition and that kind of thing. They also have a very sort of huge barrier of, kind of being very expensive and difficult to access. Especially in the early stages, was like, oh my God, how am I even going to like, stages, was like, oh my God, how am I even going to like, afford to go see a gender therapist before I can actually deal with any of this? And, you know, nowadays it's a little bit easier in terms of there are GP's who are, well informed on this stuff as well, but still, it's it's a world where, you know, you don't have that kind of specialised support. Especially if you're starting out and if you're, you don't know where to look, it's really difficult to know where to go. There is a really good resource called TransHub. I think it's put together by ACON and by a couple of other people who work in the field. Who have basically put together a whole resource where they've got sort of information and guides on yeah, a lot of aspects of coming out and accessing medical and legal support and social support and then also mental health support as well. And they have a directory now of, you know, specialists and professionals that you can go and see. You know, it's a directory that's growing more and more by the minute. But again, in that as well, it can be hard to look at that and go, is there someone here who is going to understand a queer trans South Asian experience as well? Yeah, I think it's definitely in a better place now, but it's Something that, definitely needs to continue to be worked on. What unhelpful narrative about trans folks do you keep seeing? And it annoys you? You're like done call it out. Trans people are not drag queens. I think that's the biggest one. And don't get me wrong. There are some dolls out there who are absolutely killing it. I love them with all my heart. Drag is one of those really, unique and special and amazing art forms that brings art forms that brings joy and love and, curiosity to so many. It's so, so, so often that we see trans people being referred to or talked to or considered as if Referred to or talked to or considered as if they are simply putting on an act, a specific face or a specific set of clothes to perform for others. And that's not what a trans experience is. Thank you so much, Kaisha, for coming under the brown rainbow. Sharing your experiences with us. I'm pretty sure that someone who is on their trans journey right now is listening to this. They are thankful to Trikone, to you to ‘Under the Brown Rainbow’ that this story got to them. Now just before I let you go, if there is one really important thing that you feel the trans youth out there need to listen to. What is that one word or one, one piece of advice that you would give them? Hold tight. Be strong. Know who you are. Don't let go of it. And don't be afraid of it. Stay within yourself. And don't be afraid to show others who you are too. It's amazing how much you'll discover about yourself if you allow yourself to be free. Allow yourself to be free and keep on following the yellow brick road. Keep on following the brown rainbow. Yes. All right. Thank you so much, Kaisha, once again. If, we need to, or people who are listening to us want to follow you, What are your socials? Go for it. You can find me at Kaisha Lux on pretty much most platforms. Yeah, you can also find my photography. You can find my film work. You can find my writing. You can find my DJ work. All through there. On that note, This is Kashif Harrison signing away from this episode of Under the Brown Rainbow. If you do love this episode, don't forget to comment below. What is the takeaway you took and how we can bring more brown queer stories to you? For now, make sure that you like and share this video if you're watching on YouTube, follow us on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcast from. And, give a shout out to Under the Brown Rainbow wherever you get a hint of this brown rainbow.