Send Me Where The Pain Is

Heartfelt requests can lead to surprising places.  And sometimes, what matters to your own heart gets to be first. 

Music by Scott Holmes - A Wee Tipple 
Non Copyright Music

Transcript

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I remember once how in what seems like a whole other lifetime ago, I made a request one day. And that request was, send me where the pain is. And that is just what happened. I walked into some of the darkest places, holding places actually, for those who were riddled through with fear and anger and pain. And either they had no means for coping, or their method of coping had crossed societal lines. Their families didn't know how to help them, they didn't know how to help them, and the system was doing its best. Because of the truth of the matter is that most of us don't know what to do with pain. But there was one holding space I discovered that was also riddled with pain, the place I least expected to go, my own heart. You see, I was going on with life, doing what I thought I should, caring for those I was responsible for, and completing the necessary tasks at work. I always longed for more, for deeper relationships, for mission and purpose, always. But in hindsight, I guess I was waiting for things that were beyond my control. And maybe even more I wasn't so sure that what I wanted mattered. I'm still hesitant to talk about it for several reasons. The simple fact is that there were portions of my life that really deeply hurt. I was just doing my duty, hoping for things to change, and maybe someday they would. Always searching, always hoping. Maybe if I was good enough, thoughtful enough, patient enough, if I could just change myself a little more. Gosh, just thinking about how I thought, what I believed brings tears to my eyes. What I did not expect was that life would orchestrate things in such a way that would bring me to my knees, causing me to see what I needed to see and know what I needed to know. I could not escape it. And that all of it was important, that some deeply held beliefs and learned behaviors were not helping, and what they all were costing. Today as I sit here thinking about how long and absolutely brutal this process has been and what it has cost, I am filled with grief and also with gratitude. Grief were many things. Gratitude because my heart was no longer put aside. The fact that I wasn't fully living actually mattered. Mattered enough that anything that wasn't built well fell, giving me a chance to find life again. And much of that life now is continuing to go into those places of pain, the hearts of others, but also mine. And because of the path I have walked and am still walking, I'm still finding my way. I've learned a few things about hearts and pain. One is that it all matters. Two is that real love helps, and three it will eventually be okay.