The Zig Zag Path Towards Change

Change cannot be forced. It is only possible with time. 

Music by Scott Holmes - A Wee Tipple 
Non Copyright Music

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:09

Although I never met him, he had caught my attention. I had heard for quite some time about his propensity for trouble and about the attempts that had been made to help change the course he was on in life. I was aware of a few community connections, but what really hooked me was hearing his backstory from a peer who knew him well. I had to meet him. He had been on my radar for quite some time. And so finally I reached out, asking the powers to be to have him assigned to my care, and thankfully they agreed. When we first met, he was soon scheduled to return to his community. He told me what his plans were and what he was going to do differently this time. And upon his return, we began meeting regularly. During the first few months we worked together, he kept me at arm's length, not sure what to make of this woman who believed the best about him. He often studied me out of the corner of his eye, uncertain of my intent, and I was careful not to notice or change any part of my approach. I just simply kept showing up. There were three times I remember being significant in forming a connection. The first was when he dared to open up about several previous experiences that still bothered him, and then when he suddenly connected those experiences to the reason for his actions, tears fell down his face. Ashamed, he looked down. I simply said, I'm so glad you can cry about it. You're so strong, and that's important. But to see you can have tears over that, it tells me there's a whole lot of goodness inside of you. And the world needs men who can be strong and also feel deeply about things that happen. I'm so glad I get to know you and work with you. The second was when I realized he had an incredible gift for art. One day he casually pulled out a drawing of his, and I was truly astonished. It was incredible, the detail and the shading. I was in awe of it. When I looked up from studying his drawing, I saw the light in his eyes, the softening of his face, as he saw someone who truly delighted in what he had created. And then, after realizing he was making do with art supplies that were not up to par, I took him to the store and purchased whatever he selected, encouraging him to choose quality. The third was when he realized I knew he had been lying about a few things and hadn't called him out on it. Interestingly, he told me he hadn't been sure if I truly didn't know or if I just didn't care. I explained to him that I saw lying as an indicator of a few things, including trust build, readiness for accountability and change, and that if I addressed it, he would have likely gone underground, meaning just gotten better at hiding it. Instead, I preferred waiting for moments when kids voluntarily told me the truth about something difficult, then thank them for telling me. That was usually much more effective than calling them out. Albeit there have been a few times where that was a necessary tactic. Over the course of a few months, he began opening up more and more about many things. He began engaging and completing all he was required to do, and people around him were noticing the changes. And then, little by little, he began adopting his former behaviors. During one of our conversations, he was giving the answer he thought I was looking for. Yeah, I'm gonna change things around. Yeah, I know. I'll do better, I promise. And so I simply asked, but do you want to? He paused. This was a question he'd never considered before. I continued, look, I'm not asking you to trip you up somehow. You know what you're capable of, and you know what you're risking. We've had all of those conversations. But the real question, what it all comes down to, is what do you want? Do you actually want to do the things you need to do to regain your freedom? Because if not, it's way better if you could just say, no, I don't want to, and I don't plan on doing any of those things. Because then, at the very least, you're being honest. When you say things you actually don't mean, your words lose their strength, their power. Better to be honest and say, nah, I'm not gonna follow through, instead of saying what you think people want to hear. After some thought, he said with a slight grin, It's true. I don't want to do any of the stuff I'm supposed to be doing, and I'm not planning on it. I'm tired of it. I've been in the system for a long time. I know I'm risking a lot, but I just don't care. I just want to have a good time. I thanked him for being honest and just spent a lot of time hanging out with him, admiring his newest drawings, asking him about the techniques he used, and taking him to grab a snack or a drink. We talked about his friends, his family, his past, all the while gaining more and more of a deeper understanding of him. Though we continued to meet, he remained noncompliant with anything the system required of him outside of our sessions, and I knew it was just a matter of time. Although I hated the thought of what would occur, he had made his decision, fully aware of the risks, and any amount of lecturing, prompting, reminding, pleading was useless. In fact, it would only undermine what would need to come later, the ability to carry the weight of his decisions and hold himself accountable. And suddenly one day it did happen. He was picked up and taken where noncompliance was not an option. Just like that, he was back where he started again. Typically that would end my time with him, but I just wasn't ready to let this kid go. I had seen too much while working with him. His life held promise. He just needed the same person to stay the whole way through his process. So once again, I put in a request asking to be allowed to remain in contact. What he really needed to experience was what it felt like when the same person consistently shows up, no matter what. I wanted to keep building the relationship because I knew from previous situations that the chances of success are much higher when relationship is established than continues through the ever-changing environment of a life within the system. And once again, permission was granted. Today I was able to see this young man. It was good to catch up, to talk about his thought process, and to show pictures I had taken of the artwork he had made, and to see him realize that I was still around, still here, that someone had not given up on him. And I am hoping that that will make the difference. The path towards real change isn't straight, and that is true wherever learning is taking place, whether that's in leadership, parenting, or the development of our inner lives. It's more like a zigzag, even a circling back around sometimes. And even when things go sideways, there's still an opportunity for making connections, for new understanding, for showing up no matter what. Change takes time, and learning to work with time instead of forcing it is key to long term, real heart change.