{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":0.0,"endTime":2.49,"body":"Welcome to full"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":0.0,"endTime":2.49,"body":"carnivore podcast about leather"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":2.49,"endTime":7.65,"body":"kink and BDSM. My name is edge"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":2.49,"endTime":7.65,"body":"My pronouns are he him and I am"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":7.65,"endTime":12.09,"body":"your host. And this is another"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":7.65,"endTime":12.09,"body":"interlude in the episode between"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":12.09,"endTime":16.62,"body":"episodes offered raw and"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":12.09,"endTime":16.62,"body":"unedited. 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So it was very"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":489.75,"endTime":492.96,"body":"important for me that I make"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":492.96,"endTime":495.96,"body":"this party because I didn't want"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":492.96,"endTime":495.96,"body":"to completely disappear off"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":495.96,"endTime":499.44,"body":"everyone's list. And I thought I"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":495.96,"endTime":499.44,"body":"thought wow, I've been on"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":499.44,"endTime":502.44,"body":"antidepressants, two weeks this,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":499.44,"endTime":502.44,"body":"this will be great. I can go."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":503.73,"endTime":506.79,"body":"And I went and I stayed for an"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":503.73,"endTime":506.79,"body":"hour. And it was hard. It was"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":506.79,"endTime":509.91,"body":"hard. It actually put me I"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":506.79,"endTime":509.91,"body":"pushed myself a little bit too"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":509.91,"endTime":515.16,"body":"hard. And I had a struggle bus"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":509.91,"endTime":515.16,"body":"kind of day, yesterday and part"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":515.16,"endTime":517.86,"body":"of today, of Sunday and part of"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":515.16,"endTime":517.86,"body":"today."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":519.51,"endTime":522.63,"body":"And that's fine. That's fine."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":519.51,"endTime":522.63,"body":"You know, I do what I can and I"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":522.63,"endTime":523.56,"body":"leave the less go."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":524.91,"endTime":527.76,"body":"What's been really interesting"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":524.91,"endTime":527.76,"body":"about this whole experience, and"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":527.76,"endTime":532.2,"body":"one of the reasons I felt it"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":527.76,"endTime":532.2,"body":"important to share my experience"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":532.23,"endTime":537.96,"body":"in this venue is seeing how"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":532.23,"endTime":537.96,"body":"people in my life react to me"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":537.96,"endTime":542.52,"body":"telling them that I'm depressed."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":537.96,"endTime":542.52,"body":"And I have so many loving people"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":542.52,"endTime":547.26,"body":"in my world. And I am so"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":542.52,"endTime":547.26,"body":"grateful for that, right. And"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":548.76,"endTime":551.91,"body":"I don't want to devalue that."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":548.76,"endTime":551.91,"body":"Nor do I want to judge people's"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":551.91,"endTime":554.91,"body":"reactions. And it's not like"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":551.91,"endTime":554.91,"body":"their reactions have been wrong."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":554.94,"endTime":558.57,"body":"It's just that a lot of times"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":554.94,"endTime":558.57,"body":"people feel this need to support"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":558.57,"endTime":562.35,"body":"me in ways that are"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":558.57,"endTime":562.35,"body":"counterproductive to my own"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":562.35,"endTime":567.72,"body":"continued healing. So, for me,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":562.35,"endTime":567.72,"body":"since the manifestation of my"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":567.72,"endTime":570.18,"body":"depression is I don't want to"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":567.72,"endTime":570.18,"body":"get together with people, you"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":570.18,"endTime":573.03,"body":"know, people who really wanted"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":570.18,"endTime":573.03,"body":"to get together with me, because"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":573.03,"endTime":576.09,"body":"they heard I was depressed. That"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":573.03,"endTime":576.09,"body":"was not something that would"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":576.09,"endTime":581.1,"body":"have been really useful to me, I"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":576.09,"endTime":581.1,"body":"think coded behind some of the"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":581.1,"endTime":585.27,"body":"reactions I got from people, or"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":581.1,"endTime":585.27,"body":"perhaps some misunderstandings"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":585.27,"endTime":588.93,"body":"of depression. And I don't want"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":585.27,"endTime":588.93,"body":"to go into details about what"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":588.93,"endTime":592.38,"body":"their reactions were and why I"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":588.93,"endTime":592.38,"body":"think those are not appropriate"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":592.38,"endTime":595.77,"body":"for me, because they were all"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":592.38,"endTime":595.77,"body":"acting out of love and I don't"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":595.77,"endTime":598.29,"body":"want to call any of them out or"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":595.77,"endTime":598.29,"body":"make them feel poorly for the"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":598.29,"endTime":600.0,"body":"choices they made. I was"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":600.0,"endTime":604.41,"body":"simply say this, here's a lesson"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":600.0,"endTime":604.41,"body":"for you. If someone you care"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":604.41,"endTime":608.22,"body":"about someone, you know, someone"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":604.41,"endTime":608.22,"body":"in your life tells you that they"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":608.22,"endTime":612.21,"body":"are depressed, I find it most"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":608.22,"endTime":612.21,"body":"useful in my own experience to"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":612.21,"endTime":615.06,"body":"sort of ask them, How can I"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":612.21,"endTime":615.06,"body":"support you, and then do"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":615.06,"endTime":618.54,"body":"whatever the hell they ask. And"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":615.06,"endTime":618.54,"body":"sometimes that's check on me,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":618.57,"endTime":621.33,"body":"sometimes that's I really don't"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":618.57,"endTime":621.33,"body":"want to be alone right now. And"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":621.33,"endTime":623.91,"body":"sometimes it's, you know, what,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":621.33,"endTime":623.91,"body":"just give me some space. So I"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":623.91,"endTime":627.33,"body":"can move through this. So I"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":623.91,"endTime":627.33,"body":"really want to invite all of"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":627.33,"endTime":631.74,"body":"that. But I think part of the"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":627.33,"endTime":631.74,"body":"reactions I was experiencing,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":632.04,"endTime":636.63,"body":"indicated what I would find, or"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":632.04,"endTime":636.63,"body":"what I would argue is partial"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":636.78,"endTime":638.04,"body":"cultural myth."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":639.06,"endTime":641.79,"body":"You know, my understanding of"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":639.06,"endTime":641.79,"body":"depression is that it is a"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":642.18,"endTime":648.69,"body":"biochemical condition, my brain"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":642.18,"endTime":648.69,"body":"is not producing the proper"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":648.69,"endTime":652.95,"body":"amount of neuro chemicals, for"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":648.69,"endTime":652.95,"body":"me to be at a baseline, for"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":652.95,"endTime":656.16,"body":"whatever reason, and I could go"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":652.95,"endTime":656.16,"body":"into wall, you know, what may"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":656.16,"endTime":659.61,"body":"have caused this depression, I"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":656.16,"endTime":659.61,"body":"don't know that that's useful,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":659.64,"endTime":662.67,"body":"because I don't know that"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":659.64,"endTime":662.67,"body":"undoing that cause would make"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":662.67,"endTime":665.58,"body":"the depression go away. At this"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":662.67,"endTime":665.58,"body":"point, I have a medical"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":665.58,"endTime":669.18,"body":"condition, and I need treatment,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":665.58,"endTime":669.18,"body":"I need medical treatment. And I"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":669.18,"endTime":671.19,"body":"have my therapist, I've"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":669.18,"endTime":671.19,"body":"discussed this with my"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":671.19,"endTime":676.02,"body":"therapist. But I believe that"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":671.19,"endTime":676.02,"body":"sometimes we feel that"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":676.02,"endTime":679.35,"body":"depression is something that can"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":676.02,"endTime":679.35,"body":"be talked through. And I think"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":679.35,"endTime":683.28,"body":"that's true for when you're"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":679.35,"endTime":683.28,"body":"feeling down, or when you're"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":683.28,"endTime":686.28,"body":"really troubled. Or if you"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":683.28,"endTime":686.28,"body":"haven't, if you're anxious about"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":686.28,"endTime":690.12,"body":"something, and certainly all"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":686.28,"endTime":690.12,"body":"that's great. And I don't you"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":690.12,"endTime":692.55,"body":"know, that may be your"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":690.12,"endTime":692.55,"body":"manifestation of depression, it"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":692.55,"endTime":695.82,"body":"may be that you need to talk"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":692.55,"endTime":695.82,"body":"through things. But I know that"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":695.82,"endTime":699.9,"body":"for me, where I'm at with this"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":695.82,"endTime":699.9,"body":"particular flavor of depression,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":700.65,"endTime":705.78,"body":"talking will not solve anything."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":700.65,"endTime":705.78,"body":"Because talking is not going to"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":705.78,"endTime":710.28,"body":"alter the neuro chemistry in my"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":705.78,"endTime":710.28,"body":"brain, will will alter it are"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":710.28,"endTime":713.49,"body":"the medications I am taking,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":710.28,"endTime":713.49,"body":"which eventually will raise"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":713.76,"endTime":716.13,"body":"those neurotransmitters to"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":713.76,"endTime":716.13,"body":"baseline for me."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":717.81,"endTime":722.31,"body":"Now, you're listening to this, I"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":717.81,"endTime":722.31,"body":"believe, in October, if I have"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":722.31,"endTime":724.77,"body":"my schedule, correct, this"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":722.31,"endTime":724.77,"body":"should be the interlude for"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":724.77,"endTime":730.17,"body":"October. And my sincere hope and"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":724.77,"endTime":730.17,"body":"expectation is that by the time"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":730.17,"endTime":733.83,"body":"you're hearing this, I'm"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":730.17,"endTime":733.83,"body":"probably better. Because that's"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":733.83,"endTime":737.82,"body":"right around. I got about"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":733.83,"endTime":737.82,"body":"another two, three weeks before"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":737.82,"endTime":741.63,"body":"the antidepressant should be"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":737.82,"endTime":741.63,"body":"coming online. So the good news"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":741.63,"endTime":744.57,"body":"is that if you have any urge to"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":741.63,"endTime":744.57,"body":"help me,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":745.59,"endTime":746.79,"body":"I think I've already been"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":745.59,"endTime":746.79,"body":"helped."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":747.84,"endTime":752.1,"body":"I think I'm doing okay, and if"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":747.84,"endTime":752.1,"body":"not, I can tell you that I am at"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":752.19,"endTime":754.89,"body":"this moment in the future,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":752.19,"endTime":754.89,"body":"talking to my doctor again about"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":754.89,"endTime":757.38,"body":"adjusting dosages. So"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":758.82,"endTime":760.41,"body":"the takeaways here are"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":761.55,"endTime":765.3,"body":"dominant, submissive, switch,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":761.55,"endTime":765.3,"body":"whatever your sexual identity"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":765.3,"endTime":765.69,"body":"is,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":766.92,"endTime":771.09,"body":"anyone, any one of us can get"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":766.92,"endTime":771.09,"body":"depressed. Depression can in"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":771.09,"endTime":774.72,"body":"times be an emotional situation,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":771.09,"endTime":774.72,"body":"something very situational,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":774.72,"endTime":777.36,"body":"something you're moving through"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":774.72,"endTime":777.36,"body":"and dealing with a grieving"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":777.36,"endTime":779.91,"body":"process, and those things"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":777.36,"endTime":779.91,"body":"perhaps will pass on their own."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":780.48,"endTime":783.18,"body":"But I sincerely believe for"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":780.48,"endTime":783.18,"body":"myself, and I invite you into"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":783.18,"endTime":787.02,"body":"this belief that depression can"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":783.18,"endTime":787.02,"body":"also be an actual medical"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":787.02,"endTime":791.46,"body":"condition that actually requires"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":787.02,"endTime":791.46,"body":"medical treatment. At the very"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":791.46,"endTime":795.72,"body":"least, I think we need to"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":791.46,"endTime":795.72,"body":"completely normalize discussions"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":795.72,"endTime":800.16,"body":"of mental health. You know, kink"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":795.72,"endTime":800.16,"body":"is an extraordinarily powerful"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":800.16,"endTime":806.19,"body":"practice that actually can be so"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":800.16,"endTime":806.19,"body":"healing, and so good for our"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":806.19,"endTime":811.17,"body":"mental health. But we do"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":806.19,"endTime":811.17,"body":"encounter a lot of difficulties"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":811.17,"endTime":814.95,"body":"with our mental health as well,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":811.17,"endTime":814.95,"body":"from our position as outcasts in"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":814.95,"endTime":819.45,"body":"society. Oftentimes, because"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":814.95,"endTime":819.45,"body":"kids wrapped up with different"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":819.45,"endTime":822.93,"body":"post traumatic behaviors from"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":819.45,"endTime":822.93,"body":"histories of abuse and trauma,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":823.65,"endTime":828.93,"body":"then we carry a lot of mental"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":823.65,"endTime":828.93,"body":"baggage into the dungeon. And so"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":828.93,"endTime":833.16,"body":"I think our ability to normalize"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":828.93,"endTime":833.16,"body":"talking about that is is a way"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":833.16,"endTime":838.2,"body":"to really create better"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":833.16,"endTime":838.2,"body":"negotiations for scenes, better"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":838.2,"endTime":841.08,"body":"negotiations, and communication"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":838.2,"endTime":841.08,"body":"and relationships so that"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":841.08,"endTime":844.59,"body":"partners can understand where"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":841.08,"endTime":844.59,"body":"they are, and where they each"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":844.62,"endTime":845.4,"body":"need to be."},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":847.02,"endTime":850.77,"body":"And that's it for this"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":847.02,"endTime":850.77,"body":"interlude. I appreciate your"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":850.77,"endTime":855.3,"body":"attention and listening. That's"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":850.77,"endTime":855.3,"body":"valuable for me. And I'm, and"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":855.3,"endTime":858.66,"body":"it's a very good sign that I'm"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":855.3,"endTime":858.66,"body":"even doing this. This is the"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":858.66,"endTime":862.2,"body":"second interlude I have recorded"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":858.66,"endTime":862.2,"body":"today, the fact that I had the"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":862.23,"endTime":867.39,"body":"oomph to do something like this,"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":862.23,"endTime":867.39,"body":"to do something that in normal"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":867.39,"endTime":870.63,"body":"times would bring me a great"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":867.39,"endTime":870.63,"body":"deal of fulfillment and joy is a"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":870.63,"endTime":874.65,"body":"sign that I am moving in the"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":870.63,"endTime":874.65,"body":"right direction. So thank you"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":874.65,"endTime":878.34,"body":"all for being a part of my"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":874.65,"endTime":878.34,"body":"world. I hope you found my"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":878.34,"endTime":882.51,"body":"revelation and discussion"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":878.34,"endTime":882.51,"body":"useful, perhaps to connect your"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":882.51,"endTime":886.98,"body":"own experience or the experience"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":882.51,"endTime":886.98,"body":"of those who care for I hope as"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":886.98,"endTime":891.18,"body":"well that wherever you on your"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":886.98,"endTime":891.18,"body":"leather journey, you are making"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":891.21,"endTime":896.13,"body":"progress, and you have hope and"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":891.21,"endTime":896.13,"body":"that you are finding the things"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":896.13,"endTime":900.0,"body":"you need. So that's just another"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":896.13,"endTime":900.0,"body":"way of saying that I hope"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":900.0,"endTime":903.06,"body":"Your leather journey is always"},{"speaker":"Unknown","startTime":900.0,"endTime":903.06,"body":"blessed"}]}