Interlude: Disconnected

Interludes are short segments between regular episodes with no editing but WITH leather creaking. It's a chance to hear a little more about what's going on in my life. Right now I feel really disconnected from leather, and so I share what that's like in this interlude.

Transcript

Edge : 0:01

Welcome to full cow, a podcast about leather kink and BDSM. My name is edge My pronouns are he him, and I'm your host. And this is another interlude, the episode between episodes offered raw and unedited, but with leather creaking. And I have to admit, even though I claim this is offered raw, which is fairly true, it is also true that this is I think, the fourth time I have started this interlude, because I'm finding it very difficult to talk about this topic, not because I find it a difficult, I'm finding it difficult to find the words, right. It's not like, Oh, this is something shameful or hard to talk about. It's simply, I'm trying to express something and I'm stumbling. And so I keep starting over. So I'm just going to commit to keeping this tape no matter how good or bad it is, that's going to be an interesting experience for you as a listener, there may be a lot more flubs, and a lot more pauses, because I really do want to invite you into a real time process of my thinking on this topic. And that topic is the fact that at this point in time, I feel disconnected from my leather. And to give you a reference point, I'm recording this on Sunday, February 26 2023. And I offer that because by the time you listen to this, in the middle of March, there's a very good chance I'll be in a different place. So I want to really kind of route this in this moment. Now, when I say I'm not connected to leather, I do not mean I'm feeling depressed, my antidepressants are actually working great. My overall mood is good. And I'm extraordinarily content with my life as a whole. Nor do I mean to say simply that I'm not horny, you know, my sex drive can be very variable. I'm used to that. I don't mind it, it's actually a bit of a relief most of the times, but corny and connected to leather are two different internal feelings that are not necessarily linked together. There are times for I'm 40, and not necessarily feeling my leather. And there are far more times when I feel connected to my leather. But I'm not horny. In fact, that's sort of what am I default modes connected to leather, but not warranty. To give you a sense of what I mean, when I say I don't feel connected to my leather. I'll give you a few examples. First of all, I've not booked any leather travel at all this year, not claw, not IML not any events. Because I'm just not at the moment interested in being though in those spaces. I also have a number, my own number, I have a couple of local boys that I've been in conversation with. And I've let this conversations go quiet. And it has nothing to deal with those boys. It has everything to do with this feeling of not being connected to my mother. And last night, I actually had to go to ramrod because I have to speak to the bar manager because we want to do a bluff event at ramrodded I agate get it cleared with the bar. But I didn't want to gear up I didn't want to stay for cigars. So I went in tank top and shorts because we can do that in February in Florida and tennis shoes and spoke to the bar manager and then came back. So I mean, when I say I'm not feeling my leather, I mean that I am not motivated to be in it. And when I am in it, it feels like a piece of clothing. Right now obviously I'm wearing my Langlands padded pocket Columbia jacket, because that is what's generating all these beautiful creepy things. And it just feels like I'm wearing a jacket. All of this is also to say that the inverse is true that often I feel a special connection to leather and and that operates in a couple of different registers. So first of all, it means that I actual feel, actually feel a connection to my gear. And if you've listened to my contents in general, you know, I have an on again off again relationship with things that are woowoo that I both want to discount them and stay rational but that I often have a part of me that's really quite woowoo and my connection to my gear is part of that I feel connected. There's a thread that binds that gear to me as though it has a spirit and that spirit comes to touch me. I come to touch it. I don't know what but I feel there's a physical connection. It's it's it's not material, but it's substantial. There is a physical Next to my gear. But when I say that I feel most of the time connected to leather, I'm also talking about the larger connection to the community as a whole. And I don't even just mean, the community as a group of people. I mean, this sort of abstract sense of the community of leather, which is the traditions that I respect the history that I have the people that I know, it is the community writ large, and that when I feel connected to leather, I feel part and parcel a participant in that community. And that's not something I feel right now. Actually, it's one of the reasons I'm a little quiet on social media as well. I know what my next video series is, I want to do a deep dive on boots. But I just haven't felt like starting it. I'm not concerned by any of this. There have been many points in my life where I simply didn't feel connected to leather. And that's one of the reasons I wanted to talk about it in this interlude, because I have to imagine my experience is not unique. And there may be other people out there, maybe you right? That you may not be feeling connected to leather, you may feel a little distant from it, you may feel that it doesn't have the same that it used to. I don't know what that sound was, I told you raw and unedited. Here's the good news. I always reconnect with leather, I have come to trust that it is so integral A part of me so authentically who I am, that I can go through these periods of disconnection I can, I can go through periods of distance without the fear of loss. So if you're in a place in your life, where you're feeling a little disconnected from leather, or kink, or BDSM, or whatever your thing is, I want to give you some hope that my experience at least suggests that I do return to it in time. There's a very real sense to in which I never not connected to leather. I am a leather person wherever I show up in my life, even when I'm at work, or I'm at the grocery store, and I'm wearing a tank top and shorts in February, because we can do that in Florida. At every point in time I show up as another man because I bring the values of another person, I bring the practices of another person, I bring the comportment of a leopard person. Everywhere I go, it's in how I walk. And it's in how I carry myself. It's in how I treat others, and it's in how I speak. So it's not as though I'm ever truly disconnected from it, because it is an integral part of me. But I think it's a little bit I think it's a little bit like a symphony. So in honor my boy, I'm gonna say the leather part of me is a bassoon. And right now the entire symphony is playing, but the bassoons a little quiet. So it's still in there, it's still making the music, which is my life, but so are other parts of me, the recovery part of me, the romantic part of me, the friend, part of me, the silly part of me, all the parts of me are contributing themselves equally. And then there will be parts of my symphony of life, where the bassoon becomes predominant, where you can hear it, playing tively over the rest of the instruments. And there are times when the bassoon has nothing to play, and other instruments are making the music. So that gives me a sense of both all these parts of me and how they work together. And it gives me a sense that even if I don't hear leather, you don't see it. If I don't feel the connection to my gear or to the community. That doesn't mean it's gone. It just means that it's quiet right now. I tend to believe everything happens for a reason. That is my own personal belief influenced by my 12 step recovery. And so I have to believe that this period of quiet has reason. I don't know what it is, and I don't have to know what it is. I only know this, I will return to leather. It is so much a part of who I am that there's no avoiding it. In the meantime, I'm still focused on many parts of my life. I've been really extraordinarily social upfront introvert almost to social and I've been certainly enjoying that. And it's been fulfilling, but it is probably displacing some overall patterns of energy that might otherwise be put into leather. I am spending a lot of time with people and people who are important to me. And that is beautiful and fulfilling. But again, we'll change the story Have Symphony inside. Now I also know that there are some contextual factors that are in operation right now. I know for a fact that at the moment I testosterone is low. I've simply chosen not to do anything about it right now. I'll be seeing my doctor in about a month, and I will talk to her about it then. But for the moment, I don't feel the need to do testosterone replacement therapy today. And in part, that's because I know that while there's probably some factor some relationship between the levels of my testosterone and my connection to leather and my horniness, I know from lived experience that those three things, hormones, horniness, leather, are three interdependent things, that they have some impact on each other, but they also have quite a bit of independence from each other. So there'll be times where I know my testosterone is really quite healthy, but I'm still not horny. Still not connected to leather. And there will be times when I feel very connected to leather, but I know my testosterone is low. And I'm not only right, these things are interrelated, but they are not linearly related. It's not like one makes the it's not like, Oh, if I get my testosterone, right, that I will be horny that I will be into leather, it doesn't work that way. For me. A second contextual factor is the fact that I'm doing not just a lot of social plans, I'm doing a lot of traveling in the first part of this year. And in fact, I'm gonna be gone for what feels like most of March. That's an exaggeration, but not entirely an exaggeration. And that is exhausting. For me, I am essentially a homebody home is sanctuary Home is where I recharge, and to be away from home and to deal with airports, and packing and Ubers. And all of that can be quite tiring to me. Certainly, that's one reason, I think that I've not booked claw or IML, or any letter events right now, because I just can't bear the thought of more travel. Another contextual factor is the fact that, you know, I am being reflective about relationships and what I want in relationship, and if I want a relationship, and who I might want a relationship with, and that requires a different sort of focus in my life right now. So I'm investing energy in some different places, with some people to see what will come of it. That's a contextual factor as well. But again, it is not the factor. So I understand that there are many things going on in my life, why don't we surprise everyone? You, me, everyone, there's a lot of things going on in our lives. And I understand that some of these are creating a context where I may not feel connected to leather. And, but I also understand that there's something else, there's something else, it's not as though, if I had a boyfriend, I would be connected leather, if I weren't traveling with I would be connected to leather, if my hormones were right, right, there's no single factor. This, for me is part of the sacred mystery that I connect to my sexual kink, which, you know, I talked about some in the episode on spirituality and really is far more woowoo that I would ever want to admit that that there's, there's something special, there's something holy, I'm going to use that word, there's something holy about leather and kink to me. And, and it exists independent. It is bigger than me and I touch it, but it is independent of me. And therefore, no single factor in my life can control that outcome can make that happen or not happen. So while I want to recognize all the contextual factors, when I want to realize all the things that could be going on that would create a context where I am not connected to leather. It's something else, it's the leather itself. I don't know, it's me in relation to the leather. I don't know. Here's the beauty. I don't need to know, I don't need to know why this is going on. And I don't have to worry that it's a permanent change. What I've learned to do is really in general, that's what I do is I honor where I'm at. That sounds pretty woowoo too, I understand and very kind of New Age therapy. But for me, what I have found is that if I can't change a thing, the best thing to do is sit and experience a thing. And a lot of times that means when I'm sad, I just have to feel sad. When I'm joyous. I have to feel joyous right? I don't diminish my emotions. I don't push them to the side, I don't lock them away, because my experience is that doesn't solve anything. And then they just come back later in some horrible form, but I don't want to experience them. And so I like to use the phrase, the only way out is through the only way out of something like sadness is to feel all the sadness into it's all been felt. There's something similar going on here, that that I don't have to be impatient about the fact that I'm not connected, nor frightened or anxious. Nor do I have to spend more than the 15 to 18 minutes or so I'm going to spend in this interlude, I don't have to spend any more time than that, thinking about it, I can simply be, okay, I'm not connected to leather, I'm going to work on something else, I'm going to watch some TV, I'm going to go dancing, I'm going to eat a delicious meal, I can simply honor it by letting it alone. That's what I mean, by honoring it, I'm gonna let it the fuck alone. And I am not going to try to force it in any shape or way I'm going to let it be. Because that's the best way I can kind of respect that part of myself. All of this is so deep and woowoo territory, not entirely, but it's very close to the woowoo territory. The takeaway, let me come back to rationality, let me come back to this actual interlude. The takeaway for you is, there may come points in your life, where you're not feeling it, where the gear doesn't feel special, or you don't feel right in the gear, or you don't want to go to an event or go to the bar or connect with other people. That's okay. You're certainly not alone. This has been a regular experience of my journey that has happened more than once. And it happens, and it passes. And I reconnect as passionately as ever. And if that's happened for me, I have to believe that will happen for you as well. Or not. By that, I mean, you may never end up feeling disconnected from your mother. But I think the whole point of this interlude for me is if you do if you're feeling that way now, or if you feel that way, in the future, I want you to know you're not alone. Others have been through it. I've been through it. I've made it through the other side. I'm sold on a person. And if that's true for me, I have to believe it's going to be true for you too. So wherever you are in your journey, no matter how connected you feel, physically, to your gear, to your actual friends who are leather, to your local community, in leather and kink or to the larger abstract notion of leather and kink. Wherever you are in your connection. I hope that you find it fulfilling and joyous and affirming. And, as always, I really hope your journey and I don't I'm actually serious about this. I really hope your journey is blessed