Welcome to Full Cow, a podcast about leather and kink where your host, Edge (he/him), shares his 30+ years of experience in the community. Daddy is our topic this time.
Edge shares his journey into Daddy and then shares insights about how complicated a term it can be. Then it's the new Ask Edge segment, where Edge answers questions left by listeners, before we end with a special leather bedtime story.
Some useful links:
Ask Edge! Go to https://www.speakpipe.com/LTHREDGE to leave ask a question or leave feedback. Find Edge's other content on Instagram and Twitter. Also visit his archive of educational videos, Tchick-Tchick.
Welcome to Full Cow, a podcast about leather and kink where your host, Edge (he/him), shares his 30+ years of experience in the community. Daddy is our topic this time.
Edge shares his journey into Daddy and then shares insights about how complicated a term it can be. Then it's the new Ask Edge segment, where Edge answers questions left by listeners, before we end with a special leather bedtime story.
Some useful links:
Ask Edge! Go to https://www.speakpipe.com/LTHREDGE to leave ask a question or leave feedback. Find Edge's other content on Instagram and Twitter. Also visit his archive of educational videos, Tchick-Tchick.
Let's talk about Daddy this podcast contains material intended for a mature audience. Before proceeding, please check your local laws and confirm that you are an adult. Welcome to full cow, a podcast about leather kink and BDSM. My name is edge My pronouns are he him, and I'm your host. Thank you so much for joining me for another episode as we discuss, daddy. In the first segment, I'll share my own experience moving into this identity and claiming it for my own. Then in the second segment, I'll try to unpack it a little bit, sharing some of the insights I've learned in part through my own explorations. For the third segment, we have once again ask edge my answers to your questions. And I think we have a really great batch. And then finally, as a special treat, one of my listeners suggested a leather bedtime story, and actually wrote something for me to read to all of you. It is a pretty excellent episode. I'm very happy with it, I hope you enjoy it as well. So let's get started. I'm trying to remember when I first identified as Daddy, it is a fairly recent development, you know, when I first made the move into dominance, into what I would call being a top around the turn of the millennium, I was Sir identified, and I'm still perfectly comfortable with the title of Sir. And you know, I've said maybe probably in the submission episode, I've said that boy is a capacious category, lots, and lots of different kinds of people can fit inside a boy. And I feel the same thing about search, the sort of default positioning of dominance, for me, that allows lots and lots of different kinds of people. Lots of flavors of dominance can sit inside of Sir, and serves a very comfortable place for me. And so in the arts, and in the teens, I was primarily sir identified. The first time I remember thinking about myself as a daddy was probably when I turned 40. So this would have been 2010. And I remember kind of this was back when Tumblr was a thing, right? And I remember posting like, Oh, I'm 40. Now I'm a daddy. Now, all the cute young boys can come after me, and actually have a little little bit of flack about that as this sort of assumptive mode, which I thought was actually pretty fair. But I was also calling attention to the sort of stereotype of what a daddy is. But that was a sort of broad gesture, it was a rhetorical move. It wasn't an inner sense of identity. That came later. And I want to say it started first, maybe three or four years ago. And there were a couple of factors that contributed to it. You know, in my late 40s, so let's say, for fun sake, let's say 2018 or so, I started noticing I was aging. Now, we're aging all the time. But there will be points in your life. If you are so blessed as to age, there will be points where you suddenly realize you're aging. And I came to realize that I wanted to pass on all the stuff I had learned. I was I was saying my leather logical clock was ticking. There was a sense that I was reaching the later stages of my life. I didn't know how much time I had left, I still don't know how much time I have left. And I wanted to pass on everything that I had learned about leather and about kink. And all that and that was the first real sense that I was connecting to something that I was starting to call this sort of Daddy energy, it was very clear that there was a there was almost biological, but we're gonna call it love it illogical a sort of impulse to reproduce, but not reproduce, biologically, to reproduce, culturally, to pass on leather as I understood it. The next moment for me, I think, was with my x well, sort of x and a half. But when I was with him, he very clearly was going to need a slave in addition to having me as his partner, and somehow watching him go through that process really inspired me in ways that moved me closer to to Hurry. Then in 2000, let's see 2019 I think 2020 Perhaps there was the year I met the boy who changed my life who unlocked this really natural, authentic dominance. So now I had this internal impulse to reproduce myself culturally, I had this aspirational model in my x or x and a half. And I had access to this abundant authentic dominance, those things synergistically came together to really produce the data in me. It's manifested primarily through my work on social media. That is where I am doing my best to pass on what I know. And that is where in some ways I feel the most, Daddy, I feel like, you know, I have a large segment of people who follow me, particularly on Twitter, who are 19 year old pup gamers, and I feel like, I'm Daddy to several 1000 of them, which sounds ridiculous, but also feels not entirely untrue. And that's the work I do with these educational videos you see on my Twitter and my Instagram, I'm trying to pass on what I know. I've come to recognize and learn what daddy energy is for me. And it is quite paternal, but not in a kind of strict disciplinarian way. But in a loving guiding fatherly supportive way. It is about helping someone along into their leather adulthood. And that's not necessarily their adulthood, right? They there are people who are maybe already adults, but are children when it comes to their leather journey, rarely, rarely, very early on practically newborns. And it's about how can I help them grow up in leather. I do now have a boy in Arizona, and he calls me daddy. And it feels perfectly normal. And perfectly right? It really describes the way I feel about our dynamic. But I'm very invested in his growth and in his development, as though he were my son as though he were my offspring. So it's been a fairly long journey. If you think about the 23 years since I've made this movement into the identity of Sir, is that a fairly long journey to reach daddy, it is definitely definitely something I feel. And there are a few men who call me daddy and in my world. And with each of them, it feels very, very right. It feels like it is naming the dynamic, the energy that is between us and that they tap into that particular aspect of me. And there are a lot of aspects of me, I'm a complex human being. And even when it comes to my kinky identities, they can be complex as they can be for everyone. And I'm still very comfortable as sir but I'm equally comfortable with Daddy, when it makes sense when it fits that dynamic. My daddy is an extension of my loving dominance. So even when I'm Sir I'm coming from a point of loving dominance. And that means Oh, you're a fag. Fantastic. i Let's make you the best fac ever. Oh, okay, you're nothing but a whole love it, I'm going to help you become the very best hold you can be. You know that loving dominance is about supporting someone in the journey towards their kink authenticity, whatever that looks like today, daddy is such a natural extension of that. But with a slightly more specific inclination than just sir. And with a stronger emphasis on guidance, support and mentorship. In general, mentorship is an important part of my life. You know, when I was coming out into leather, I had the most incredible teachers, I had the most incredible mentors. And I'm blessed. absolutely blessed in my leather journey without a question. And there's a real sense that it's time for me to pay that forward and daddy is what allows me to do that. So as I sit here at 52 as Daddy sir, or sir daddy, as someone able to equally occupied daddy answer, I'm not sure what comes next for me. You know, this is an evolutionary path for me too, as I encounter new people, and they awaken new things in me and they call out new things to me. I'm pretty certain though that however I continue to evolve and no matter who entrust my life, there will be a very strong element of daddy in me for the rest of my existence. And I think about the rest of my existence. That's a lot. That's something that happened to me in my 50s. I don't know if it's pretty common for leather folk of a certain age. But it was very common for me that I think about my existence a lot, I think about where I've been what I've accomplished more than anything, I think about how much time I have left. And that I don't know. And that, and that's not just God, it's just not, it's not just Neil iStick negative thinking. But I'm at an age where a lot of my peers are having strokes, having heart attacks, having cancer. And I don't know that I've lost someone of my peers. I don't know that I've lost someone. But I've had a lot of people encounter life threatening situations. And that makes me extraordinarily aware of my own mortality in a way that can be motivating, that gets me to do as much as I can in this world while I'm in it. And in a way that can be a little disabling and a little frustrating, and a little. Not fun, shall we say? So no matter what comes next, no matter how much time I am granted, I'm Daddy, and I'm going to remain daddy. And maybe I'll be daddy for you. Traditionally, the second segment is a how to, but I'm not sure anyone can really how to dairying, I think it ends up being slightly instinctive, and in part, almost by necessity, driven by a sort of trial and error. You know, because Daddy is weird. On the one hand, it's a noun, it's an identity, right? You can be a daddy. But at the same time, it's an adjective. It's a modifying descriptor. So you can be a Daddy bear, or you can be a daddy pup, or you can be a daddy, whatever. It both describes an identity and an energy. And it's an energy that exists in two intersecting scales. So there's a scale from submissive to dominant, and daddy is on the dominant side of things. But there's also a scale of dominance. Maybe scales the wrong word, because I don't want to rank one over the other. But there are many different ways to be dominant and daddy is very different from Master is a little different, even from Sir it is a very specific energy. No, part of what's also weird about Daddy is that as a noun, when you say you are daddy as an identity, it suggests an age we tend to think of daddies as older. However, this is not inherently true. Correlation is not causation. So yes, a lot of daddies are older, and a lot of boys are younger, but you can be a daddy at any age. And this is literally true. You know, there are literally young fathers who are having children at 16. And they are now daddy's. So we need to break through this sort of cultural perception that daddy is related to an age and instead see it as an identity available to anyone who feels like they're a daddy. It is equally claimable by anyone who wants to have that identity. And then the challenge becomes living in it, honoring it, growing in it, and then accessing that sort of Daddy energy. At the same time, you know, first of all, Daddy's pretty specifically a gay male phenomenon, to the extent that I, as far as I know, right, like, there are there, it's not as big I don't think in lesbian communities, although I think they are certainly lesbian daddies out there, I want to say, and from my limited exposure to heterosexual kin communities, Daddy's not a thing either. It is not as big anywhere, to my knowledge as it is in the gay male community. And that's not superduper surprising. A lot of gay men don't have the best historical relationships with their biological fathers. We often have very troubled relationships with our biological fathers, and for many years, I had a very troubled relationship with mine. Fortunately, we were able to mend it towards the end of his life. So it's not surprising to me that this is a particularly gay male phenomenon. And as part of that, as much as as much as daddy's available at any chance at any age, it's also true that if you're gay male, at some point, you will look Experience what I call the daddy turn. So you're trucking along on your apps and on your social media looking for a good time. And sooner or later, at some age, someone younger than you is going to approach you on some app or at the bar or on a website and call you, daddy. And that can be an incredibly complex moment. So if you are boy identified, then it can be really troubling, because it suggests that somehow you're aging out of your boy Enos, that's not true. But that cultural perception will be there. And that can be extraordinarily challenging to you as a boy when you reach the daddy turn. But for other men, it can be very powerful and affirming. If you were a young daddy, say you were daddy identified at 22, you might have felt no one really believed you. And no one really affirmed you. So that moment when someone sees you a daddy as Daddy and recognizes you, that can be superduper powerful. And then there are a bunch of us also that sort of fall in between where it first is like, no, no, I'm not daddy. No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not daddy, until eventually you're like, well, actually, he's kind of hot. I yeah, I want to get with him. I'll be damned if he wants me, daddy. And so we try it on for a moment. And then we discover it's very comfortable. So the daddy turn is inevitable, as far as I know, for all gay men, and complex, depending on your identity, your affinity, and your willingness to grow, evolve. And whether or not that's right for you at all. Daddy energy for me is loving and protective. It is fatherly, it is paternal. It is about mentorship. And it is about guidance. And it's about wisdom from life experience. And I think that's part of the reason I feel like young daddies are as legitimate as any other kind of daddy's. Because this is not dependent upon age, it is dependent upon experience. And life tends to be distributed unevenly. So some people even at a very young age, will have had a lot of life, a lot of trauma, a lot of challenges, a lot of roadblocks, a lot of pain. And as they move through that, they gain wisdom and experience, which activates that daddy energy, which gives them an opportunity to guide others younger or older. Right, because you're gonna have a young daddy with an older boy, it gives them the opportunity to guide others through their own journeys. So dad energy is, I think, really beautiful. In part, I think, for me, it's beautiful, because it's protective. And for me feeling safe is my God is the most important thing in the world. And I've spent a lot of my life, learning how to keep myself safe, and it's a little exhausting. And it's beautiful to have someone in my life who makes me feel safe. So Daddy energy is really, really beautiful. And to that end, it's also worth noting that sometimes daddy's need daddy's that there's absolutely nothing wrong if you are daddy identified, to yearn to have a some own figure in your life that you can call daddy, someone who makes you feel safe. It doesn't make you less of a daddy yourself. It doesn't make you less of a sir less of a master less of a puppet doesn't make you less of anything. It makes you human. Because we all need someone who can say to us, say to us and have us fundamentally believe them. say to us, everything is going to be okay. Everything's gonna be okay. No matter what's going on or our life, Daddy can say, Everything's gonna be okay. And somehow we believe them. We believe that no matter what we're facing, we can move through it. Because we have this anchor of strength, life, wisdom and experience, this loving guidance that will be there, even when we fall, particularly when we fall to help us get up again, and keep going. So I don't have any specific guidelines on how to become a daddy, I simply have some takeaways. A daddy is both an identity and an energy, that it can be something you are or it can be a descriptor, a modifier of your kink identity. That it's implied a certain age, but not necessarily so you can be a daddy at any age just as you can be a boy at any age. That being said, all gay men are probably going to hit the daddy turn. And that will likely be for most of us a very complex moment. But regardless, as we gain life experience and learn from life and garner that wisdom, I think we tend to accumulate that energy that can be shared with others. But even in that there may be times when we need it ourselves. And it's perfectly perfectly perfectly okay to turn to someone to get it. And those are my notes on daddies, I hope has provided you some insight. And hopefully in my own little way, I've been a daddy for you during these short minutes, and offered you a little bit of wisdom from my own life experience. Welcome to Ask edge where I answer questions submitted by all of you, my listeners. I have several questions in this episode. And I am so grateful for all of you who took the time to leave me a voicemail or email me a question, because it is pretty vital to helping support this podcast, because it gives me a chance to interact and add new voices without having to hunt down interviews. And I'm just really grateful that all of you are willing to help me make this more successful. That means a lot to me. So our first question is from boy print, and he asks, In previous episodes, you've talked about highs and lows of feelings in the leather scene. What kind of things do you find help recover your mojo is gearing up having a cigar having an intimate scene, understand giving yourself time if necessary for it to come back. But I've also observed that when one is ready to dip their toes back in the proverbial pond, certain rituals can reignite or kickstart that spark is a great question. Since I'm still in this place where I don't feel particularly connected to my leather, I went out because a friend was in town, I went out to the ramrod last night. And it really just felt like putting on clothes. So for me part is a check on what exactly is going on. So I need to start by looking at neuro chemical and biological factors. And right now I am in a bit of a not in a great mood. But I've worked with my doctor to identify what we think that's about and I'm taking steps to address it. So. So the first thing I always do is check to make sure like, is there some fixable cause here, you know, is there depression that needs to be addressed or some other biological neurochemical issue that needs to be addressed? Beyond that, I agree with you, there are certainly ways to reignite the connection. And a lot of it has to do with taking actions and acting as if right. So there are studies shown that if you smile, whether you're happy or not, if you smile, your mood improves the action and the acting as if then translates into your neuro chemistry. And there's something similar for me with leather that if I put myself into gear, if I put myself in a highly erotic context, if I put myself into spaces where normally I would feel connected to my leather, then I have a greater chance of reigniting that connection. It didn't happen last night, I have a leather dinner to go to this evening, perhaps it will happen then perhaps not. But that also comes from recovery, my 12 step recovery where we talk a lot about acting as if. So when you act as if you take the action and then you you, you move the body and then the mind comes along. So I absolutely agree with you that there are steps you can take and I think you named some of them like having that intimate scene, putting on the leather or having a cigar. So once I've addressed some of the biological issues going on with me right now then that's probably something I'm going to pick up and do. And I love that you were able to share that that's something that works for you as well. So thank you. And our next question comes from the voicemail message on SpeakPipe
Unknown:Hi, this is Rob from DC. I've been a fan of the podcast for quite a while now. I just finished the leather care episode and really enjoyed it but I did have a question. Is there anything that you do differently or know of anyone that does differently for leather care specifically regarding watersports and urine? Is there some way to help get that out a little bit better? Or even if it's just you know, sometimes you get a little dribble inside your pants and you know cleaning that out? Appreciate the time the answer Thank you.
Edge :Let me start by saying that I am no expert in watersports. It's not something I do a lot, mainly because I'm pee shy. That being said, I think first we need to really figure out exactly what kind of piss we're talking about. Morning Is is very, very different from beer piss or well hydrated piss, which has a lot higher water content. And if we're talking about something piss that's particularly clear or not particularly strong, then you can probably care for your lead or the way you would normally wipe it off, pat it dry saddle soap Leather Conditioner. If we're talking about something more like morning pairs, something really strong, then that's might require a few more steps. There's also a question of how quickly you're taking care of the leather. If you're taking care of it immediately after the scene, then that doesn't require quite as much care as if you're taking care of it one day later, or the next weekend, two days later, right, something like that. So first, consider the strength of the PIs and the length of time between the scene and the care. Those will be factors in determining what action to take. It did ask my boy, who is a boot black to activate his boot black network for more information. And here's the answer I got. And this is from my boy. Well, it's from Tabitha, I'm supposed to credit Tabitha, but my boy tapped into his secret boot black network. And here's the answer washe first set out in son to open up the pores, activated charcoal shoe deodorizer in a bag. It may not be perfect, but it will improve over time. So that is the other tip you might have. And I hope that gives you some good guidance. And if anyone else has other tips, I'm more than happy to follow up on this question in a later episode. Our next question is also from SpeakPipe.
Unknown:Hi edge, I've had a question that's been in the back of my head. And it really came forward after I listened to your connections video. I have several leather pieces. I like wearing them. I like the way that I look when I wear them. But I still don't feel like I can call myself a leather person. So I guess my question to you is, what does it feel to you to be a leather person? Thank you so
Edge :much. For starters, let's make one thing super clear. You are another person when you say you are a leather person. And that is simply a fact, when we have now membership requirements, we have no guild that you need to apply to. It is all about claiming, owning and affirming your identity. That being said, I can understand the sort of difficult journey it is to do exactly that claim own and affirm that identity. And there are a lot of things to be worked through, including some things where you're comparing yourself to other other people and you feel less than there might be some residual shame, there might be some fear of how people in your life might react. So this is very much an inside job. For me, when I feel connected, or when I'm in leather spaces, I feel like I'm home, there's just some part of me that settles into place some part of me that is restless elsewhere. And I'm very clear like when I go to the ramrod I'm usually in full gear or significant amounts of gear. And I'm usually one of the only ones there and it doesn't matter because that space belongs to leather people and I connect to the history of all the leather people who have moved through that space. All of this is another way of saying that, when I'm feeling connected in my leather, I am feeling comfortable in my skin. And in my second skin. If we think of leather as a second skin, getting there means spending time in leather, actually getting used to wearing it, getting comfortable with it, feeling yourself being sexy in it. And it involves connecting to spaces of community where people see you, there is nothing worse than being expected, particularly a huge event like IML you go to a big event, and you feel invisible, you feel like people look right through you. That's what makes you feel like, okay, I'm not part of this community at all. However, my experience suggests that even at the biggest events, there's such diversity of kinds of people and kinds of kink and ways of doing leather, that someone there will see you and recognize you and all that it takes just that one moment of recognition. You know, classically, I'm not sure we ever set this down in leather rules that don't exist. But at the leather bar, I do this nod of acknowledgement when I see another another person and it sort of slowly down into the left. It's like Oh, hey there another person. Oh, yes, I recognize you. I see you those Moments are moments of validation and confirmation. So if you're not yet feeling like a leather person, continue to spend your time in leather and feel it on you and feel comfortable in it in your skin and in your second skin. And then you need to seek out places that validate your own self understanding and self-realization places of community, that can be really challenging, that can be really challenging depending on where you live, and what sort of socio economic resources and capital are available to you. But I do think that even if you look virtual, you find places where people see you. And then the rest is moving through the emotional baggage we carry, in part from being seen. So when I'm at my best, I just feel comfortable, I just feel at home, I feel whole, I feel complete. I also feel very sexual, I feel like the erotic energy of me, I feel who I am in that space. And it feels very powerful. And not particularly because I'm dominant identified, but the power of this kind of erotic truth that resonates and vibrates. So I hope that helps. Our next question was emailed in, and it is, in an early episode, you refer to leather folk as the priests of the LGBTQ commanded community. Can you tell us more about that? Yeah, okay. Wow, that sometimes I say things and don't quite realize that I say them fully. And this is entirely my personal perception, I don't want it to carry any weight of truth. I think for me, the reason leather folk, as always, have always felt like if we were a tribe, we would be the priests is because leather is for me so deeply a spiritual experience. And, and it's really, in the best scenes, what I'm able to do is to connect the person with me, we connect together to something bigger than us. And the sum of energy we put into the scene does not equal the energy output that the energy of the scene is bigger than what either one of us contributes. And that's a sort of magic. And, and because of my personal experience, because leather is so centrally spiritual to me. I've always imagined leather folks, as the priests as sort of mediating between the ordinary world, and the sacred the out of the ordinary world. And I as a corollary, I've always imagined in this LGBTQ tribal community, that drag queens are the warriors. And you just have to look at the real world to see that happening. If you think about the roles they've played in significant moments of our history, including the Stonewall riots, including the way they're able to cut people down to size on the street, I've always felt like the drag queens are the warriors, and the leather folk are the priests or priestesses I should add. I hope that clarifies things a little bit, it's really driven by my own personal sense of spirituality. But also, actually, there's more than that, too, right. So in in tribal communities, the spiritual person often would be on the edge, just outside the village. Because they were, they were seen as little beers, they were seen a little different. They were seen as a little frightening and a little scary. And they were happy to be on the edge, because part of their job is to mediate between the worlds of the village and the world outside. So the fact that leather folk are at time seen as scary or vilified, or, you know, that misunderstood even within the larger LGBT Q community is another reason why I think they fill that priestly role. And now another voicemail message from SpeakPipe.
Unknown:Hi, edge. This is David from Kansas City. And I was wondering, Where does your name edge come from?
Edge :That's a great question. You know, a lot of times when I'm on recon, or these other leather fetish kinds of sites, a lot of people are checking me out who are into edging, as in being on the edge of orgasm. And I'm in my in my head thinking, no, no, I'm not that edge. So it goes all the way back to America Online. And that was a sort of walled garden of an internet before the internet. So you could chat you could shop, you could look at travel, you could read the news. And that's what America Online was and you would have a screen name and I went through several different screen names and somewhere around 1995 I had reached a place in my journey and at the time, I was a bottom not necessarily submissive, but I was a bottom and I had reached a place where I just felt like, no one could give me what I needed. And what I needed was more And I was really frustrated that I had sort of maxed out the capability of the tops I was able to find locally. And so I made a couple, I think I made three or four screen names trying to test out different identities. And one of them was leather edge. And, you know, interestingly, there was a limit to how many letters you could use in a screen name and America Online. And I want to say it was maybe 10. So that's why there are no vowels in the lthr. Because I was trying to conserve letters. And that's why it's lthr e v, G, instead of all spelled out. The idea behind edge when I made that profile was that I wanted to go further, I wanted to go to the edge. And at the time, I was also interested in a lot of different forms of edge play. And you know, I do a class on mindfuck Oh, I'm gonna have to do that as a podcast episode. Anyway, do a class online fuck. And what I talk about is that every scene has its own kind of edge version. So plaster bondage has a lot of risk, a lot of dangers, a very intense, that is kind of edge bondage. And, you know, Double fisting. Again, higher risk, higher, higher intensity, higher skill, Edge form of fucking really, if you go all the way back to it. So I was into things like weapons, sex, and knockouts and mindfuck. And those things were, the erotic charge of the scene, in part was provided by the adrenaline that came from fear, risk, danger. And so originally, leather edge was all about this hungry, dissatisfied bottom looking for new experiences to take himself further that were on the edge. And in fact, that was the name of my original website on the edge. So that's where it came from, you know, and it sort of morphed over time, particularly when I started teaching nationally, people just started calling the edge much easier to remember. I certainly appreciate that. And you know, someone on Twitter stole lthr EDG II did something super duper bad. I don't know what but they got themselves banned. So Twitter's the one place where I don't have the lthr EDG II handle, it is leather edge spelled out. And that causes some confusion. But and since then, you know, I'm not as into Edge activities. And I think part of that is because growth, evolution, but also finding the kind of peace and satisfaction on where I am with my journey. So that sense of needing to go further kind of dissipated. But I'm very fond of this sort of online moniker and I've spent goodness, I've spent a couple of decades oh my god, I've spent almost 30, almost 30 years, kind of crafting that or edge and being edge. So it means a lot to me, and I'm keeping it. But that was a great question. Thank you. The next question was emailed in, and it is, do you have any tips for listeners exploring CBT? Oh, wow, that is a big open ended question up reminder, I'm gonna have to do an episode on CBT. At some point, thank you, that's a great idea. First of all, listen to your body, and all things and listen to your mind. So part of it is tuning into what you fantasize about when you are masturbating, and what's being done to you. Because that's obviously a clear indicator of where your buttons are and what needs to be pushed. Then listening to your body means exploring your own body. I mean, CBT is wonderful, because you can do it yourself, you can find out what you like, and not like all on your own and then communicate that with other people. Some people are very into pressure, things like squeezing or pulling particularly on the balls, some people are much more into impact punching or something like that. And so that's all worth exploring. I will say that penises are tend to be highly resilient, you know, it's essentially a sponge. So you can squish it, you can crush it, you can roll it up into a little ball and shove it inside the body. I mean, it's pretty, pretty resilient. Balls are partially resilient, you know, can harm the testes, so we want to be a little mindful of that. But again, if we're listening to the body, then we have a good sense of where the biological limits are. The important caveat to that is, there are some men who produce so many endorphins in response to pain, that they literally get high and can no longer monitor safely their own condition. If you know you're one of those people, you need to communicate that to whatever person you're playing with, because it's entirely possible they could pull on your balls so hard that you're there causing damage and you don't realize it and so you don't communicate it. I'm not a medical expert, I'd be very curious to hear from anyone who is either into CBT a lot or has some medical expertise on the particular risks. My guess is there's a larger risk of harming the testes than there is of harming the penis. That is my guess. My general advice beyond that, get education when you can, if there are workshops, you can attend at some of the national events or locally, do that. If there is a local leather store, go in and ask questions. If there are local leather players ask them questions about their experiences. It never hurts to do a lot of research about what people do, what worked for them, what went wrong, and everything like that. So personal exploration of your own body, understanding what works and what doesn't work for you, being mindful of your biological and mental erotic impulses, learning to listen to your body. Also, when you've had enough or when you've had too much, and also knowing whether or not you're capable of doing that based on your endorphin response. And then seeking as much education as you can. Finally, like all things in kink, don't start at level 100. Start slow, build slowly. And that's the other big tip I would give you. So thank you. And our last question for this episode is also from email. Do you have any favorite leathers slash BDSM artists? You know, I don't? I don't. That's the simple question is, I don't thank you for asking. I would have to say, though, that not a single one of us can really escape the gravitational pull of Tom of Finland. And there's no question that his work was very impactful to me when I was younger, in terms of shaping my identity, and crafting my leather aesthetic. But I'm not really an art kind of person. Which is ironic because I'm in the office slash playroom, looking at a wall full of original erotic kinky art. So I don't look at art a lot. I in fact, I don't look at porn a lot. I'm much more. Whatever you want to say the written word is it is visual, but it's not visual. So a lot of my products are driven by storytelling more than particular images. I can certainly appreciate a lot of the classic artists including Rex and the Hun. These were images I was seeing when I was coming out and so they resonated for me. The wreck Rex is a little bit darker than probably most of the stuff I would like erotically the Heine, I thought had some beautiful artwork. But I don't know that there's any way of us avoiding tama, Finland. And so I think if I were forced, if I were pressed to say, Who's your favorite? I would have to say, Tom of Finland, even though that is not an uncomplicated answer, in some time as a community, probably not today, but at some point, we're gonna have to have a conversation about Tom of Finland, and a reckoning about Toma, Finland in relation to many factors of his art, not the least of which is body types when concomitant body issues. Wow, okay, so, great crop of questions, super grateful to you all. If you would like to participate in this, you have a couple of options. You can leave me a voicemail at speakpipe.com/leather Edge lthr E, TG E, or you can email me a question at ask at full cow dot show. Please let me know whether it's a voicemail or an email, let me know if I can use particularly the voicemail. Do you want me to use the audio? If not, make sure to make that clear. You're gonna be a podcast episode. And let me know what to call you. Or if not, I'll just keep it kind of anonymous. This was just such a really deeply fulfilling segment for me. And I'm grateful to all of you and I'm hoping the questions will keep coming. One of my listeners suggested it would be a good idea to have a bedtime story as an occasional part of the podcast. And in fact, he wrote one for me to read to all of you. So thank you, Maddie. This is for you. Another bedtime story. Please take a moment to close your eyes. Relax your face your neck. Breathe into your chest and back. Then allow them to relax and let your breath out. Breathe softly now. You're safe. You're loved. You're exactly where you need to be. He's panting something wet moves between the skin of your back and his stomach. Is it his sweat has come. You're lying on all fours on his large four poster bed. Your hands and feet are tied together with rough rope. Everything is black with the eye mask covering your eyes. You cannot move but you do not want or need to? You are exactly where you need to be. He is behind you. God damn boy. He growls you can take it rough. Thank you, sir. You're trying to whisper and you would wear it not for the gag in between your teeth. HE CHUCKLES at your attempt and ruffles your hair softly. It just gets better every damn time. You sigh and breathe him in the smell of his leather oils, smokin sweat, mingling together on the end of your nose and the tip of your tongue. A deep, familiar musk. One that is fast becoming a scent you think about on nights you spent alone. If you could only bottle it up. Right kiddo, his rough boys breaks through your reverie. Let's get you tidied up. You swallow past the lump in your dry throat. You nod silently, time to get untied. Time to get dressed and head home and not see him for another week. Maybe more. Maybe his big warm hands on you touching from your hair to your temples. soft warm light on your eyelids as he removes the blindfold those fingers his course calloused fingers, leaving tingling furrows as they slide across your skin to the buckle on the gag behind your neck. It pops open under his touch, relaxing the gag from your throat. He carefully reaches around and open boy. You open your mouth for him right away. The gag comes free. Your tongue is free to Dart and dance and speak again. You lick your lips swallowing saliva tasting of ash and his cock. Thank you, sir. Good boy. Now arms. You can feel his eyes on the back of your neck as you raise your arms into the air. With your feet still tied. This stretch feels especially vulnerable. As if you were saying to him. Here I am. This is me. The black rope slackens and falls away under his fingertips. How could it not? Everything gives weight his touch. Everything relaxes under him. Everything is better with him. Those risks look a little bit chafe son, he remarks. You look down and see slightly prickled tender skin where the rope has cut into your skin as you arrived under his weight. It's okay sir. I don't mind. Your feet spring free from their bonds. Your hips, thighs and legs relax under his touch into your lying flat on your front. he inspects you carefully, thoughtfully. Those marks on your ass are quite impressive boy. The result of his hands, the strength he holds in them. His arms, his chest. He slaps one of your cheeks playfully. It stings enough to bring tears to your eyes. He sees you stiffen under his touch. I'm sorry, boy. Did that hurt? No, sir. You murmur hiding your face in his bed. Breathing in the trace of his skin and his sweat from the fabric. Large hand turns you to face him and you look into his eyes. How are they so blue? Deep? Shining? crystallin you've never seen eyes like them. Boy, you need to tell me the truth. If it hurts, then you need to tell me if I'm using you too hard. He trails off in thought. His thick eyebrows knit together. His gray mustache curls into a frown. You've never seen his eyes like this. They're they're sad. Why is he sad? You reach up before you realize what you're doing. You reach up for his your palm touches his chest lightly, or really the leather harness across his barrel chest of forest have thick gray hair curls up and embraces the rings and joints of the piece. His sweat and calm has matted the hair in several places, making tempting places for your tongue to seek out. I'm so sorry, sir. I didn't mean to disappoint you. I don't want to hurt you. And you not to be able to tell me the truth. I don't want to hurt you and end up losing you boy, he Huff's looking away from you. His words vibrate gently in his chest under your palm punctuated with the regular drum of his strong heartbeat. I'm here sir. If you'll have me sir. Your words take you both by surprise. He looks at you, curiously, really looks at you. Like no one has ever looked at you before. sees you sees all of you, your body and your mind marked by him in many different ways. They ache and throb slowly in the half light of his bedroom. He picks you up like you weigh less than cloud. He lay his back in his bed with you against his chest. The smell of his leather in Smoke is closer now hotter. Like standing closer to the sun, your nose instinctively by rather than towards his left pit, and you breathe deep, sir, boy do you think can I stay with you tonight sir? His arms and circle around you pressing your smaller body close against his solid frame. You're not going anywhere. Good night kiddo. And that's it for this episode. Thank you so much for joining me please consider subscribing or you can send feedback to edge at full Cowell dot show. As always, may your leather journey be blessed