Here's how Buzzsprout AI described this episode LOL:
Battling the tides of depression is an experience akin to navigating a relentless ocean; it's a voyage I've charted through the ebb and flow of medication adjustments, 12-step programs, and the unexpected oasis of dance lessons. My narrative in this episode is not just about the storms faced, but also the triumph in self-care and the pursuit of love amidst my professional endeavors. Wrestling with the decision to reveal the intricacies of my personal life, I've chosen the path of privacy in my dating journey, a reflection of the intricate dance between public persona and the quest for genuine connection.
The silent chorus of loneliness, especially poignant during weekends, strikes a chord with many, and I'm no stranger to its melody. Over the past 15 years, therapy sessions have been my steadfast companions, providing solace and stability. Listen as I delve into the importance of demystifying mental health support, the invaluable role of therapy, and how, despite a lackluster Saturday, there's always the hope of a brighter Sunday. I invite you to join the conversation, one that promises not only a mirror to my own experiences but also extends a helping hand to those navigating similar waters.
Here's how Buzzsprout AI described this episode LOL:
Battling the tides of depression is an experience akin to navigating a relentless ocean; it's a voyage I've charted through the ebb and flow of medication adjustments, 12-step programs, and the unexpected oasis of dance lessons. My narrative in this episode is not just about the storms faced, but also the triumph in self-care and the pursuit of love amidst my professional endeavors. Wrestling with the decision to reveal the intricacies of my personal life, I've chosen the path of privacy in my dating journey, a reflection of the intricate dance between public persona and the quest for genuine connection.
The silent chorus of loneliness, especially poignant during weekends, strikes a chord with many, and I'm no stranger to its melody. Over the past 15 years, therapy sessions have been my steadfast companions, providing solace and stability. Listen as I delve into the importance of demystifying mental health support, the invaluable role of therapy, and how, despite a lackluster Saturday, there's always the hope of a brighter Sunday. I invite you to join the conversation, one that promises not only a mirror to my own experiences but also extends a helping hand to those navigating similar waters.
Welcome to Full Cow, a podcast about other kink and BDSM. My name is Edge, my pronouns are he, him, and I'm your host. And this is another interlude the episode between episodes, offered raw and unedited but with Langlitz creaking. And this time I wanted to once again normalize discussions about mental health by talking about my ongoing struggle Struggle is a hard word my ongoing coping I'll use coping with depression. You know, I did an interlude back in October 22, talking about my depression, and at that point I just started medication and that medication has been working really well for a long time. But recently I've noticed some of the same symptoms returning, a kind of apathy, anhedonia, not taking pleasure at the gym, not wanting to reach out to people, feeling really unmotivated at work. And so just this past Friday I'm recording this on Saturday April 6th I met with my primary care doctor and we talked about increasing the dosage of my medication. So hopefully let's see well, this is coming out in a couple weeks Hopefully, by the time you're listening to this, I will be better. I hope I'm better Now.
Speaker 1:
I'm not in some sort of black hole of darkness, right Like. I'm able to get out of bed, I'm able to still go to the gym, I'm able to have plans with people, but it's as though I'm at the top of a very steep slope and I recognize it, and so I'm able to do something about it. I'm able to do something about it. I'm not only relying on medication. I also am doing a lot of my self-care practices. That includes working my 12-step program of recovery. That includes exercising, eating food that aligns with my body goals, trying to connect with the people closest in my life and having some new adventures and finding new ways to make joy. One of those is I'm taking dance lessons. I'm currently learning the hustle. I'm really good, and next I will learn the tango.
Speaker 1:
So I don't know where you are in your mental health journey, but I'm sharing mine, which is always a little weird for me, right Like, on the one hand, I've found that people find it quite powerful when I share honestly about my experiences and I'm able to talk about things from my place of privilege that a lot of people don't hear or don't get articulated, and therefore that's the normalizingizing rate. On the other hand, this is my health. This is sharing my health details. I don't necessarily talk about my GERD or my hypertension, but, if you're curious, I have both of those and they're both fairly under control. So I'm always walking this line between really sharing where I'm at and being mindful that some information is not to be shared.
Speaker 1:
That's especially true with this issue, I think, because a lot of my depression is related to the fact that I'm still looking for a boyfriend and dating is horrible. Dating is horrible. I have boxes to tick, and one of the most important ones is that I'm really really focused on finding someone locally. I just don't know that I can keep putting the man I love on an airplane and that becomes extra challenging. And I am talking to people around the country and I don't know right. Like theoretically, someone can move here. Right now I'm really geo locked by my career, but that might change. In fact, I'm also doing some career explanation exploration to think about what else I might do that would allow more opportunities for me to maybe move somewhere else, maybe fall in love with someone on the other side of the country and move there, instead of having them have to move to Florida. This is something I also don't talk about a lot my dating life, my relationship status Although you know in my more desperate times you might find a random tweet or random Instagram note that's like, oh, I'm single. Desperate times you might find a random tweet or a random Instagram note that's like, oh I'm single, looking for boyfriend application. It's just sort of. There comes times where I cross that line.
Speaker 1:
But I try to keep a little separation between Edge, the social media persona with the X and the Instagram and the podcast, and who I am as a person podcast and who I am as a person. There are a few reasons for that. First of all, dating me can be a lot because I come with edge. I was dating this guy from LA of course, no one local a little over a year ago we went to a local leather event together and at the end of it he said you know, you cast a really long shadow and I knew what he meant. That it's a lot to be around Edge because I have some level of people who know me. I have some level of people who are fans. I get a lot of people approaching me because of that and that can be a lot. And so already before me even crossing this line between my social media presence and my dating life, I was like, okay, that's complicated, and then to sort of let my dating life bleed into my social media just feels really dangerous because I don't need to drag anyone into the spotlight of edge. So I do my best to keep them a little separate.
Speaker 1:
And and that's the other reason why this interlude feels a little strange, because the depression is very much related to the fact that I still don't have a boyfriend, and this is something I talked about with my therapist. Okay well, am I depressed again because I'm still single, or am I focused more on being single because I'm depressed? And that's why I talk to my primary care? That's why I up the my primary care, that's why I up the dosage of my medication. I also feel that right now I just must be giving out gloomy energy because I feel a little gloomy and that's no way to meet people. People must be able to pick up on that. So I'm not going to talk about my dating life a lot, but I do want to talk about mental health and being able to make sure everyone feels comfortable talking about mental health and, most importantly, making sure everyone feels comfortable seeking help when they need it.
Speaker 1:
You know, I grew up my mom was a doctor person. Like if anything was wrong, you went straight to the doctor. So from a very young age I was programmed to seek health care help. It was the moment I needed it. So there was no stigma for me when I first decided to go to therapy. There was no stigma for me the first time I went on a course of antidepressants. This was very natural to me and my impression is for younger generations this is already pretty normalized. I think it's probably men and people of my age or older where mental health issues might still be, I don't know, a little squeaky, I don't know. It bears repeating often that if you need help, get it. There's no stigma around it.
Speaker 1:
I'm a firm believer that depression is a biological issue having to do with which chemicals are swirling around in my brain, and that sometimes I'm going to need a little support. It doesn't mean I won't get sad, but it means I won't fall into the pit of darkness. And there's nothing wrong per se with the pit of darkness. That sounds awful but it's sort of true. There's nothing wrong per se with the pit of darkness, but my experience is that when I fall in it takes a long time to get out. It takes a long struggling, struggling time to climb out of that pit. So now I do whatever I can to not fall into the pit. That includes all the tools I've talked about to not fall into the pit. That includes all the tools I've talked about.
Speaker 1:
I also think that if you are experiencing mental health issues, a great place to start is with a therapist. I'm a big believer in therapy. If I need to pay someone to listen to my problems for an hour, that's a pretty good deal, because my friends're not professionally equipped to cope with my problems and I mean I have stuff I need to dump and I can't keep dumping it onto the doorstep of my friends. I think that might really burn the friendship in some ways. That's my approach. That's how I feel about it. I don't expect everyone to feel that way. Right, like, friends are an important part of my support network, but I also realized that I need a paid professional who can listen to my problems for an hour as often as I need. Right now I see my therapist once a month. I kind of consider it maintenance. He knows oh my God, let's see almost 15 years of my life at this point and so I see him once a month to kind of catch him up on what's going on and generally I'm fantastic.
Speaker 1:
The truth is today, april 6th, saturday, days before the eclipse. The truth is today, I am okay, I just don't feel okay. I just don't feel okay, and that's kind of profound, isn't it? I am okay, I just don't feel okay. What's critical is that I know I will feel okay. I know that I am walking through the hallway. I hate hallways. Right, one door closes, another one opens, but the one that's open is way, way, way far down the hallway. Oh, and that walk is long and it's hard.
Speaker 1:
I I'm really trying to lean into joy as a way of really becoming happy with being single, and I've been fairly successful with that. Let me pause, right, I've never been single for this long in my life and it's only been two years and a few months. Right, it's not like I've been single a crazy long time. I know a lot of people who've been single much longer than I have, but this is the longest I've been single a crazy long time. I know a lot of people who've been single much longer than I have, but this is the longest I've been single, and a part of this journey has been learning to be happy single and I've done pretty damn good work around that and I'm very happy with it. I've had a lot of adventures. I've done travel, I've done leather events, I'm learning how to ballroom dance. I'm really leaning into my joy and centering gratitude. So I've done a lot of good work.
Speaker 1:
But particularly on the weekends, I get what I tell people. I'm feeling the singles. There's a kind of heaviness right, and I feel it on the weekends. It weighs on me. In part is because I don't have anyone to do anything with on the weekend, but also it's sort of I have to haul all the groceries in myself. That's okay. By and large I am happy being single, but there is the weight of the weekends and lately it feels like I'm more cognizant of the weight of being single practically every day.
Speaker 1:
It's as though there's a low-level pain that I cope with every single day and I don't want to overstress that because there are people who actually deal with chronic pain, both psychological and physical, and I'm in really good shape right. I am not complaining at all. However, I acknowledge that pain is there and that it's become more prominent, and that's why I went to go get help. That's why I talked to my therapist about what was going on. I saw my primary care physician, because it's one thing for me to get down every now and then or oh, I'm really down this weekend but it was starting to become persistent and a little more daily, and so part of the lesson there is know who you are, know yourself, know your patterns, be self-aware, live a self-examined life.
Speaker 1:
And when you see your mental state shifting in a way that lasts longer than usual, that is deeper than usual, darker than usual, maybe more manic than usual, these are the times where it's beneficial to at least have someone to talk to, a professional who can evaluate you. My therapist asked me a lot of questions about how's my sleep, how's my eating, how's these other qualities of my life, and was really helping me to put some things in perspective but also make a recommendation about talking to my primary. When I talked to my primary, she had a set of questions for me as well. I knew to go see them because I was recognizing a shift in my mental state that was unusual for me, that was lasting longer than usual for me, and because I went and saw them. I'm getting help and that means I know I'm going to be better. I'm probably not going to be better today.
Speaker 1:
Today's been a really tough day for me. You know it's smoke out in Las Vegas, so anytime I open up social media, there's the FOMO. There's someone very important to me who's there having a fantastic time. I'm so happy for him and yet I also want him to be with me and I want to be at Smokeout with him and I want to be at Smokeout and not have him there. This is a hard day.
Speaker 1:
Saturday April 6th is a hard day. There's a lot of FOMO on top of the usual being single, feeling the singles kind of thing. And today I've really struggled to text people, to connect with people, to do much of anything. I don't even know how I managed to record a whole interlude. That's a miracle. That's a beautiful miracle.
Speaker 1:
The key difference is I know this will change, and it's not because I've been. It's going to change because I've taken action. It's going to change because I got help, because I talked to my therapist, because I talked to my doctor, because my meds have been upped. This will change, not immediately, but there's suddenly that long hallway. I can see more light. It's not the doorway I'm going to walk through. I don't know where the F, that doorway is, but I see more light in the hallway that allows me to keep trudging. I'm a big believer in trudging and trudging is just. I'm going to get up. I'm going to push my way through this day. I'm going to practice good self-care. I'm going to get up. I'm going to push my way through this day. I'm going to practice good self-care. I'm going to take care of myself. There are going to be some days where pushing through the day means staying in bed a little extra longer, but I am going to move through this day with the understanding that a better day is coming, and a better day is coming because I got help.
Speaker 1:
So let me summarize some takeaways for you. It is totally okay to talk about mental health with an understanding that it is part of your health record. It's part of your private health information and therefore you also get to make decisions about who you talk to about your health. You can share it with the whole world, as I am doing now, or you can keep that information fairly private, perhaps with family members, some trusted advisors or health professionals. So that's the first thing we normalize talking about mental health. As part of that. Number two, we normalize asking for help. That, if you have noticed a change in your mental state that seems to be lasting longer than your usual ups and downs. Do not feel afraid, ashamed, intimidated to ask for help. Number three I'm going to do my best to separate out my large-ish social media presence from my personal dating life, because combining those things is complicated for everyone. That being said, there are times when I choose to share some of the struggles I'm going through because I believe my experience can benefit others and finally, I'm able to hold on. I have hope today that my mood will change, not because I think depression is just going to turn itself off, but because I have gotten help. So those are the takeaways from my weirdly confessional.
Speaker 1:
I feel weird about this interlude because it's a little more sharing my private information than usual, oh my God. Side note so, yeah, I am going on dates, right, and I'm talking to people in a romantic capacity and more than once I'm talking to people and they know stuff about me and I'm like how the hell do you know that? And then I remember that I share a lot about my life in this podcast and if someone has listened to all the podcasts, all these little opening segments in every episode and all the interludes. They are going to know a lot about me. That was funny. I forgot how I got there.
Speaker 1:
Anyway, I'm going to separate out my dating life from my social media life and you make your own choices about that. But if you are not feeling comfortable in your mental state, please do think about talking to someone and getting some help. I made that choice. I'm happy I made that choice. It gives me hope. It allows me to make it through this fairly blah Saturday April 6th to what I know will be at least a slightly brighter Sunday April 7th. So with that, I wish you all an incredible mental health journey.