Interlude: Man Fast

Interludes are short segments between regular episodes with no editing but WITH leather creaking. It's a chance to hear a little more about what's going on in my life. Here's what my host's AI has to say about this episode:

Feeling overwhelmed by the constant cycle of swiping and messaging on dating apps, I decided it was time for a "man fast" or "mancation." Join me on this episode of Full Cow as I share my personal journey of stepping back from the dating scene to focus on self-care and emotional well-being. I'll walk you through my approach, from removing dating apps and turning off notifications to redirecting my energy towards nurturing friendships. This isn't about bitterness or giving up; it's about reclaiming my time and mental space to reflect on what I truly want out of my romantic life.

In the latter part of the episode, I extend my heartfelt gratitude to all of you—whether you're tuning in solo, with a partner, or in any unique relationship configuration. The leather journey is a path of self-discovery and fulfillment, and I emphasize the importance of finding joy in your current situation, whatever it may be. Let's celebrate our individual paths and continue to explore and cherish our unique experiences. Thank you for being part of this journey with me—your support means the world.

Chapters

• 0:00 Man Fast
• 14:03 Leather Journey and Relationship Configurations

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to Full Cow, a podcast about leather kink and BDSM. My name is Edge, my pronouns are he, him, and I am your host. And this is another interlude the episode between episodes offered raw and unedited, but with Langlitz, leather creaking. And this time I wanted to share with everyone a practice that I'm trying right now, that I am calling a man fast although I had a friend who also called it a mancation and it's very much connected to my search for a boyfriend. I have some really wonderful men in my life who mean a lot to me and who fulfill me in different sorts of relationships, but I've been missing that primary person, that person I can make a home with and build a future with. And I'm not going to get into all the challenges of dating. If you're single, you know how really challenging dating can be. But what was happening? As I was finding myself in this sort of desperation and therefore a rapid acceleration of my search. So here's how it went. I'm always on recon and, okay, I'll try recon. And I wasn't really finding anything on recon. So then let me get on scruff. I always know, historically, when I get on scruff, I'm headed in the wrong direction, because scruff is probably not where I'm going to find what I'm looking for. But okay, now I'm on Scruff and I wasn't finding anything on Scruff. So then I'm like, oh, let me get on Hinge. So then I got on Hinge and I'm like, oh, let me get back on FetLife. So I got back on FetLife. And then, oh, let me get on some other weird fetish dating app that I'd never heard of. And then, oh, let me get on Grindr. For the first time ever, I had really expanded. I was looking in every nook and cranny of the social media slash dating app universe that I could Granted, I didn't try Tinder, but that was probably next. And one of the dearest people in my life said you know, you seem really down about men lately. Maybe you should take a break. And that resonated for me and I thought God should take a break. And that resonated for me and I thought, god, he's absolutely right. It's time for me to take a break. Now.

Speaker 1: 2:16

There are two ways to take a break, and having made the decision doesn't mean you won't vacillate between these two, but for me, there is taking a break out of this sort of resentful, embittered, childish temper tantrum state where it's like, well, if I can't play first base, I'm taking my ball and going home and none of you can play. So take that Like if I can't get my way, then I'm taking all of my goodies and I'm going home and none of you get anything. I don't want to enter my man fast that way, because the other way of approaching the break is by saying, hmm, you know, it's really not working right now, so I need to stop putting energy in this, because I only end up frustrated. Let me retreat, focus on some self-care and then move forward. That's ideally where I am at, but there's a constant movement between those two poles and I have to make sure I don't go to that embittered temper tantrum place. I have to make sure I stay in a well, it's okay, it's not working right now, but it's okay, let's take a retreat. So what does my man fast look like?

Speaker 1: 3:27

This is going to sound ironic since it's on my podcast, but I'm not really sharing the fact that I'm single with people. If they press me I might reveal it, but for now it's not information people need to know and previously I was advertising it widely because I was hoping a friend of a friend would have someone I could date. But no, I'm not really advertising or announcing or sharing broadly the fact that I'm single. I'm not talking about being single with my friends. That might be winding down a little bit because they've heard quite a bit, but I'm really trying to shift away from that conversation. To shift away from that conversation, I have deleted Grindr and Scruff and Hinge and I'm not on FetLife and I have actually turned off my Facebook notifications and hidden Facebook and Scruff. I mean, all the apps are gone except for Recon, because Re recon I actually have friends on as well and because there's still this thin lifeline back to possibility that I think I also need. But otherwise I'm for all intents and purposes acting as though I have someone in my life and to do that I'm centering my friendships and I'm centering my other relationships and really thinking of this network of people in my life as collectively my partner and they collectively give me love and emotional support and joy and make me laugh collectively, and so I'm really imagining that I'm no longer single because they have this network of people and their love to support me. This is a very imperfect practice because the need to be loved is so fundamentally human that of course I'm still always sort of looking and always sort of hoping, but I'm reminding myself there will come a day when I go back, when I go back to actively looking, but for now, it's time to do a little bit of self-care as part of that. But for now, it's time to do a little bit of self-care as part of that.

Speaker 1: 5:24

I have blocked out a whole weekend in October, and October is a crazy busy month for me. I have a boy coming to visit me. The first weekend, I am in Houston for glue judging and giving a keynote. The second weekend, the third weekend, I'm in LA for a party. The fourth weekend is mine, and what I'm going to do on that weekend, special weekend that I plucked out, is I'm going to really reflect on the narratives I carry around dating that may be impeding me from dating and that maybe were once based in some fact but which have taken on a life of their own.

Speaker 1: 6:02

For example, one of the things that pops into my head quite a bit is I'm never going to find anyone. Now, that's not a statement I need to be telling myself, it's not an energy I need to be putting into the universe, and I need to pick apart what that's about and where it comes from, and I have to dissect that. I also often say it's so complicated to date me and yeah, in some ways it might be, but it's not really. It's not really complicated to date me and yeah, in some ways it might be, but it's not really. It's not really complicated to date me. So I need to really go back and think about where did these narratives begin? What were the actual things that happened in my life that taught me this lesson? But at what point did it grow and take on a life of its own? I'm really about this retreat, that is, about pulling apart the narratives around dating that I have built and that have become self-sustaining in ways that no longer serve me Now. The truth is, I suspect that once I get back to dating, a lot of these narratives are going to come right back, because I do think they are based in real, actual experiences that I've had, and so I will have those experiences again, and when I do, I will have the return of that narrative, which perhaps I might be able to temper slightly, but I feel like I need a fresh start.

Speaker 1: 7:26

It's fall. Even in Florida it's kind of fall. Remarkably, here in late September, we have just started to cool off, which for me feels really early. I'm used to us cooling off usually in November, so I've actually worn leather out a couple of times comfortably, and so it's like this is a time for cooling off. Let me do some cooling off. But it is a time of change because for me this season is changing and, importantly, it is changing towards leather weather. I've been really in hibernation over the summer because Florida is miserably hot and the couple of times I've tried to warn leather, I have deeply regretted it. I've tried to warn leather. I have deeply regretted it. So instead, as I move into this season where I can really live my leather self and go out in my gear, it's time for me to do this inner work.

Speaker 1: 8:22

I love that I've been casting this as a fast, because fasting is originally primarily a spiritual practice and I think it's about purifying and it's about denying, but in a way that has a spiritual lesson and that helps us to really sharpen our appreciation of our desires. Like when I am fasting and denying my body food, I'm purifying it. I'm purifying it from Oreos and cake and cookies and all the things right, but I'm also really thinking about how much I desire food and that makes a sharper appreciation, a greater gratitude for food and abundance and celebration. So in this time of fasting, it not only is a time to take apart all these narratives I have around dating that no longer serve me, it's also time for me to refine my taste, to really think about what I'm hungering for in a man, in a partner, in someone I can build life with. Now I very much believe that there are certain paths set for us that are, I don't want to quite say, destiny or fate, but I do think there's a plan for me. That's part of my 12-step recovery. There is a plan for me, and I acknowledge that there's no guarantee. That plan doesn't necessarily include a boyfriend, a primary partner, but if it doesn't include that, it includes a way for me to find happiness, single, and so, even as I move into this man fest, I'm also doing continuing work on finding joy in being single.

Speaker 1: 10:07

There are parts of being single which I probably take for granted. I'm sure if you have a partner, you in some days would probably long for the life I have to live alone with a cat, to go to bed when I want to eat what I want to go where I want on vacation to do what I want. On vacation I have I live by will, like I'm able to do what I want at any point in time and I think I probably take that for granted. And there are other parts of being single that I find really challenging, but I think I can transform into joy and that's really part of the work. So during my mancation, during my man fast, I'm stepping away from dating from men, from looking for men for looking for dates, from the apps, from social media in general.

Speaker 1: 10:53

I'm stepping away from all that in order to purify my narratives around my relationship needs, to really throw out stuff that's no longer healthy for me, for my spiritual soul, for my romantic soul. Throw that stuff out Really. Let my desire sharpen to a point that I truly understand what it is and what I'm looking for and then in that also really come to appreciate what I do have, both in the men I have in my life and in the pleasures that are afforded me, the affordances I have as a single person, so that I'm prepared If I'm supposed to go through the rest of my life as solo poly. It's not my choice, it's not how I identify, but I know that because there is a plan for me. That plan is about my highest, greatest good and that I can find contentment and even happiness along the way, no matter what's happening to me. So if I keep focusing on not oh my God, I'm single, but oh I'm single, where do I find joy now? And I'm going to be moving forward.

Speaker 1: 12:06

Oh, that's a very long way of talking about my bizarre practices around dating, but I hope some of you may have gotten something out of it and maybe just the idea of a fast. Maybe you need a kink fast to step away from kink and really figure out what you're still into, what you're not into, what desires emerge that are really sharp, that you're going to want to experience, what joys you have behind and beyond kink. Maybe, if you are single, like me, you want to explore a man fast, or a woman fast, or non-binary fast, or whatever your object of affection is, fast. I would rather not be doing this, I gotta say Right now. I would rather be on the sofa cuddling with my guy and watching some TV and some anime, maybe catching up on Agatha all along. That's not my life today. That is not my life today. So I'm going to do what I can today to find joy, and if that means taking a step from a practice that was most definitely just causing frustration in my life, then yeah, I'm going to do that.

Speaker 1: 13:16

I can only hit my head against the dating wall so many times. I can only get so bloodied and bruised before I realize that I'm trying to make something happen that's not supposed to happen. In this moment, that's really what it comes down to. I was trying to make something happen that was not supposed to happen, and the more it didn't happen, the more desperately I tried to make it happen. Maybe in another interlude I'll reflect on why, because I certainly have some reasons or ideas why I was doing that, but for now, I'm just grateful to have all of you who lend me your ear, literally for a few minutes out of your day, and it makes me feel quite honored because you could be listening to anything right now and there's no reason at all for you to listen to me.

Speaker 1: 14:03

And it feels very special to have an audience, no matter how large or small it is, that people who have an investment in what I say. It makes me feel incredibly special and I'm grateful to all of you for that. That being said, I hope your leather journey whether it's with a partner, multiple partners, no partners, all the partners, whatever relationship configuration surrounds your leather journey, I hope you find what you need, I hope you find happiness in what you have and I hope that the journey continues to bring you joy Until next time.