Listening is Your Superpower: Reduce Defensiveness, Increase Connection with Jennifer England

In this short guided practice, Jennifer builds on her conversation with Zen teacher Diane Musho Hamilton and facilitator & executive coach Gabe Kaigen Wilson to explore one underrated superpower in our “growing up” toolkit: listening well.

We’ve all been in those harder conversations—at work, with a partner, a teen, or a family member—where we’re either talking over each other or shutting down. In this episode, Jennifer offers a simple, relational practice to slow things down and listen in a way that softens defensiveness and deepens connection.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why reflective listening is such a powerful practice in conflict and everyday conversations
• How to shift from listening to confirm you’re “right” to listening from a place of not knowing
• How slowing the pace of a conversation can change the entire field of relationship

Jennifer reminds us that reflecting back doesn’t mean you agree. It simply shows that you’ve heard what matters to the other person and are willing to be with it—without rushing to fix, solve, or convince.

Links & Resources:

• Get Diane Musho Hamilton and Gabe Kaigen Wilson's new book Waking Up and Growing Up: Spiritual Cross Training for an Evolving World
• Get Jennifer's bi-monthly newsletter or reach out here

Gratitude for this show’s theme song Inside the House, composed by the talented Yukon musician, multi-instrumentalist and sound artist Jordy Walker. Artwork by the imaginative writer, filmmaker and artist Jon Marro. 

Transcript

S4. Ep 12 Listening is Your Superpower
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Jennifer England: [00:00:00] Earlier I spoke with Zen teacher, Diane Musho, Hamilton and facilitator and executive coach Gabe Kaigen Wilson,

about waking up and growing up. Waking up refers to that realization and experience that we're connected to something so much bigger. Whether that's love or the divine, emptiness, compassion,

or ancestors, it is that felt human experience that. We belong that we're one with everything and growing up refers to emotional and relational maturity. And we talked about their new book where they encourage this cross training between. Deepening a spiritual path, but also expanding our skillful means in the emotional [00:01:00] and relational domain.

And during our chat, we spent some time on the growing up side of the street, as they say, honing in on a superpower. We all have, but often undervalue. And that's listening Well, so you might be rolling your eyes as I introduce this, but just think about the last harder conversation that you had, either at work or with your partner or your teen, maybe your sibling or a family member.

And just think about that conversation, and I'm guessing you likely had a difference of opinion or you felt attached to a particular way of seeing things, or maybe they did. Okay. Do you have one? So in that experience, how did you move between speaking and listening? Was it a fast paced [00:02:00] volley? Did you find yourself jumping in and talking over each other, trying to convince each other of who's right? Or was it quiet? Did you hold back? Where there are a ton of emotions, but very little clarity.

So just think about how well you listened and how well you felt listened to, and maybe even check from where did you listen? Was it like mostly from the mind where you are looking for information to confirm what you think is true or right, or did you listen from a place of not knowing where you were dropping all your ego references to really seek to understand.

So here's where we're gonna practice this week. We're going to flex our superpower of what's called reflective listening. [00:03:00] And so this week, choose one or two people that you feel really comfortable with, a trusted colleague, your partner, or a close friend, and as you're chatting or talking. Here are three steps to listen well. after your partner finishes speaking, you can simply say, can I reflect back what I heard you say to make sure I understand, and then doing your best to be as thorough as possible.

After you reflect, just check in. Did I get that right? And they'll let you know if they have something to add or change. And thirdly, just notice what happens in your body See if you can notice that you even relax a little

that they become a little less defensive together, you might feel even a bit more connected. Try this practice once a day for the next week, just to get the hang of listening well and how it shifts [00:04:00] the field of relationship. What can be heard, shared, and sensed. And if you haven't tried this before. This is gonna feel a little awkward, but I encourage you to relax and be yourself and be as genuine as you can as you reflect back.

If you think of a conversation like two people paddling a canoe, both people paddling forward, reflective listening serves like a back paddle. It slows down the pace so you can track and check that you've heard the person well.

And I think what's important to remember is that reflecting back what you heard someone say doesn't mean you agree. What it does do is show that you've heard them, that you've taken in what's really important to them, and shown them that you understand.

In terms of the bigger themes of this [00:05:00] season, this practice helps you slow down and develop your capacity to be with what's hard when we're not rushing to convince, fix or solve, but just drop our reference points to be fully with each other. Reflective listening helps us attune through difference and fosters connection.

A few final words about practice. Practice is not a technique or a tool or a mindset shift, but an ecosystem unto itself. It's a world that invites experimentation and curiosity to just see what do you learn, feel, sense from a new doing, and what you'll experience will be different from me. And no two experiences will be the same.

That's why practice is [00:06:00] fresh, alive, dynamic, and relational. And I wanna emphasize that practice is the gift of learning from direct experience, not from experts, sages, or coaches, but from you. Practice centers you as the aware, awake, and attuned one. Practice is an invitation. Direct experience is your greatest teacher.

So if you play with this practice and discover that you have an insight or an experience you'd love to share, please connect with me. Email me at jennifer@sparkcoaching.ca if you have any observations or questions. And finally, thank you. Thank you for being here in season four and still practicing and deepening the insights from our longer conversations and playing with them in the field of your own life.

Until next time, I'm Jennifer England. [00:07:00] Thanks for being here.