Finding Balance & Bliss: Dr. Nicole Monteiro

ABOUT THE EPISODE: Episode 8 - Dr. Nicole Monteiro: Finding Balance and Bliss in Relationships at 50+

 We’re talking finding balance and bliss in relationships at age 50+ with Dr. Nicole Monteiro, a psychologist and transformation coach. It involves self-love, confidence, a positive mindset, and learning how to set boundaries. And no - you're not too old, and it's never too late for you to find your bliss. Dr. Nicole Monteiro lays the groundwork for you to help you learn how to build healthy boundaries to improve your relationships and live a balanced and more fulfilling life.

Dr. Nicole Monteiro - BIO
Dr. Nicole Monteiro is a licensed psychologist, certified life coach, professor, 

author, and motivational speaker.  She is the owner of the mental health practice, The Center for Healing and Development, PLLC (CHAD). 

Dr. Monteiro earned a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Howard University, with an emphasis on culture and mental health and a minor in neuropsychology.  

She has received extensive training in trauma and women's mental health.  

Dr. Monteiro helps women all over the world achieve transformation and healing through her masterclasses, wellness retreats, and group coaching programs. She is passionate about helping women to experience healthy boundaries and balance in their relationships and she runs group coaching programs to help women lead fulfilling lives.  

Her latest book is The Boundaries to Bliss Blueprint: For Women Who Are Finally Ready to Win at Love and can be found at: www.boundariestoblissblueprint.com

Dr. Monteiro’s LINKS: 

Websites -      https://www.drnicolemonteiro.com
                              https://chadwellness.com

Facebook -   https://www.facebook.com/CHADWELLNESS/
Instagram -  https://www.instagram.com/chadwellness/ 
YouTube -       https://www.youtube.com/user/maishanicole
LinkedIn -     https://www.linkedin.com/in/nicolemmonteirophd/

Transcript

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SPEAKER_02 0:03

Hello, everybody. Welcome to episode eight of the Ageless Glamour Girls Podcast. Eight. Yes. I'm your host, Marquita Curtis Haynes. I am the founder and CEO of the lifestyle brand, Ageless Glamour Girls. And we dive right in and talk about all things aging, you know, the good, the not so good. I don't want to call it the not the bad. But, you know, this journey can be challenging, fulfilling, liberating, all of that. And we're here for it. And that's what we're going to talk about. I am so excited today because we're going to be talking about love and finding your bliss after age 50 and you know, balance, also finding balance and setting boundaries. We have the perfect person for that. She is Dr. Nicole Montero, a psychologist and transformation coach. Welcome to the show.

SPEAKER_00 0:57

Thank you. Thank you so much, Marquita. I'm so happy to be here. All right.

SPEAKER_02 1:03

Thank you. Um, you know, I want to start with your practice. Tell us about your practice and what you do. We know that you're a psychologist and, like I said, a transformation coach. What does that entail?

SPEAKER_00 1:15

So that's a great question. I work with women in all areas of life. So in my mental health practice, I work with people with therapy. If they are suffering with anxiety or depression or any kind of trauma like that, I do therapy with them. But then on the coaching side, as you said, I'm a transformation life coach. I work with women in group coaching programs. So these are women who might be trying to elevate to a different level in their life or who um need some specific skills or a blueprint to get to where they want in their relationships and how they see themselves. So it's different from therapy, but it's also impactful. So I work with women like, you know, like I said, in all of those different um areas from A to Z.

SPEAKER_02 2:03

Okay, great. And I'm just curious about you. How did you get started in this field and get into that focus area?

SPEAKER_00 2:11

So I have loved psychology since I was in high school. And I always knew I was going to be a psychologist. I always knew I was going to work with people. And then over the years, just through my experience and seeing like the different things that women, including myself as a younger woman, needed help with, like confidence, like boundaries, like finding their voice and um being balanced and fulfilled in their relationships. So it's just like each step of the way, it just reinforced that this was my mission and my passion.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

Oh, like that. Like I love that, as a matter of fact. Um, and you and I talked um yesterday. We talked about, you know, as you get older and still being single. Now, of course, not everyone wants to be in a serious relationship or marriage or whatever, but the the women who do that, you know, um, you know, the psychic, you know, the impact that that can have on them if you're, you know, 55, 60 years old, you know, and and still alone. Of course, you know, it doesn't have the stigma like it did back in the day. Where it's like, oh my gosh, right? Right.

SPEAKER_00 3:16

Exactly. But it can still be um, like you said, painful because sometimes when you get to a certain age, you look back and your life maybe didn't go as planned. Maybe you wanted to be married, maybe you wanted to start a family, or maybe you thought you weren't gonna get divorced or lose your spouse. So, you know, it gets like you said, when you're aging, part of it is readjusting to the life you have now versus maybe the life you had imagined for yourself. And that can be kind of hard for people.

SPEAKER_02 3:51

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Um, yes, we're gonna get more into that in a second. But I just want to say I love my research. I love doing research. And I saw a Pew Research uh from the Pew Research Center, they did analysis of some census data from 2019, and it found that more US adults, U.S. adults are living without a spouse or partner. Um, and so it is, and so it's to your point, you have to adjust. I was a late bloomer, I got married really, really later, and um, it was one of those things where I had decided, I said, okay, God, looks like it's gonna be just you and I in this world, and I I wanted to um have a baby, and I said, Okay, I'm gonna get you can help me have a baby, and I'm good. So I started in having a mindset where on Saturday nights I would cook a fancy meal and then I would have set candlelight and I would turn off the ringer on my phone because I'm like, if anybody calls, I'm not here because I'm out to dinner. So it became a thing of self-love. And after that, that's when my husband came to my life and I just released stuff, you know. But here again, everyone doesn't want to get, you know, get married, you know, be in relationships, but we're gonna focus on on those, you know, and how do you how do you find that bliss? And it starts with you.

SPEAKER_00 5:02

That story you told is so powerful though, because you literally created an energy where you invited the kind of love you wanted into your life. And a lot of people don't realize that. Like what you did, you weren't doing it to find a relationship, you were doing it to connect with yourself, and that opened up every door for you. You did that, like the dinners and treating yourself well, and that me time and appreciating yourself. Like, I wish more people could hear stories like that to see what it takes. And it's not doing it so that you can find someone, it's doing it so you can be so um so connected and appreciative of yourself, and that's the magic happens.

SPEAKER_02 5:50

Yes, I love that. That reminds me of a book. I don't know if you remember, years ago, it was called Um Men Are Just Desserts. And and I love that because it was like you are the main entree, we're the main entree. And you're you know, you know, uh once that person, once you get yourself together, then you open up yourself to that kind of love and relationships.

SPEAKER_00 6:14

And that's the premise of my work with women and my book, The Boundaries to Bliss Blueprint. It's like it's boundaries, but it's also the self-love. And that's something that you can't fake. Like you really have to work on developing it and doing it consistently for yourself. So, like, that's that's the key right there.

SPEAKER_02 6:35

Okay, I want to go step by step. I saw something in one of your your uh social media on your pages. It says healthy boundaries are the foundation of emotional and mental well-being. I love that. Tell us more about that.

SPEAKER_00 6:51

So, you know, as I was working more and more with women and seeing some of the issues that they were facing, whether they were single or even in relationships or at their job or in friendships, is when women don't have boundaries, they don't have the ability to say no when they need to, or they don't know how to say yes to themselves and prioritize or be in touch with what they need, that causes so many problems. Things from women feeling resentful and angry, pent-up emotions, um, sometimes even physically sick or feeling drained and burnt out. Like all of these things we hear about, when I kept, you know, the more and more I would work with women, I would see that it all started from their boundaries being out of balance. So I was like, you know what? This is the key right there. Being able to set limits with people, being okay with disappointing people sometimes, being okay with using your voice in a way that that is like that affirms you. Those are those are things we need to be teaching women. And we're not, we're we aren't always. I'm not gonna say 100%, but I have noticed with a lot of the women I work with, they were never taught this.

SPEAKER_02 8:12

So one of your goals is you help women develop confidence, right? And you know, especially as a woman over 50 team.

SPEAKER_00 8:26

So for women over 50, yeah. So what can happen is we live in a society that is um, we could say there's a lot of ageism, meaning what is worshiped is youth. And so that can really play on especially a woman's mind. As you said, with your podcast, your brand, it's like being realistic about the challenges of aging, but also, you know, the fulfillment. Because here's the thing I know you said you love research. The research shows that as you get older, you actually become more emotionally stable and and and um you know happy with yourself, fulfilled. You already weeded out some of the friends, the relationships that aren't good for you. You focus on the things that really matter. So aging can be such a positive thing for your mental health, but it's important that you know we look at some of the ways that when you're aging, you're a little bit vulnerable as a woman. So some of it is like when you change physically or you're looking on media, you know, social media, media, and everything is about being young, and you feel like, well, who am I? Am I invisible? Do I matter? So these are all things that we have to help women to understand that they might be going through, and then to just bust out and have that confidence to say, you know what? This is me. I am happy with who I am. I'm an amazing person. I have life experience that means something. These are things like if you can tell, I am so passionate about people tapping into that, their like their inner strength, the things that are positive about themselves. It's so easy to get to that space where you're thinking about, oh, well, I don't have this, or I never had that. And it just can play on your mind. So the comes from like knowing your value and knowing um that despite some of the things that might make you feel bad in society, you have to tap into your confidence as a woman.

SPEAKER_02 10:38

Wow. And what is the best way? How does one go about tapping into that confidence?

SPEAKER_00 10:43

Well, it's positive self-talk with yourself. It's literally looking in the mirror and saying that what are the things that you value and appreciate? Every day I look, I say, wow, I've been taking care of my skin. I I love that. Or wow, you know, I like when I jazz up my outfits, or wow, I love the fact that I know how to speak my mind, right? So you have to look for those things that you appreciate and about yourself and and affirm them. Like when we say affirmations, that is real. Like you take and you make affirmations specifically about yourself. Another thing is putting yourself around people who are also positive, for lack of a better word, right? Because what happens is when we were talking about dating last night, Mark Rita, right? We were talking about the fact that when you get around people that only talk about negative experiences. Oh, it's horrible out here. There's no good people. Those negative that that stuff plays into your mindset as well. And it will make you feel negative, it will make you doubt. So it's important to get uh put yourself around people who have more of a positive mindset that are optimistic, that see the possibilities for good, because then it starts to rub off on you. And you're like, Yeah, you know, I was talking to somebody, and just like you, she said, you know what? I got married for the first time and I was 52 years old. I said, You need people need to be around you versus being around the people that only talk about all the bad things that they've had and why this person, you know, bitterness that that can become contagious. So those are the two things I would say, like you can start doing today, looking in the mirror, affirming yourself, and finding positive people to be around to help elevate your mindset.

SPEAKER_02 12:46

I love that. Then you hit on something, the negativity, you know. Of course, you know, relationships can be very, very, you know, challenging, could break our hearts. How does one release the pain from past relationships? So, you know, that that baggage. So you so you're you're open to newness, you're open to the world before you and not hold on holding on to the past.

SPEAKER_00 13:14

Yeah, you know, and I'm so glad you mentioned that because you do have to, if you've been through painful experiences and disappointments and traumatic things, you do have to work through those things to release them. So a lot of times we're told, oh, just forget about it. And then it builds up, and then we're trying to put a smile on our face, but really we feel bitter inside, right? So you have to allow yourself time to grieve and to like really acknowledge those painful things. It could be you could go to therapy, it could be a support group, it could be journaling, it could be allowing yourself to, you know, we get that thing as women of color and black women, like you have to be so strong and you don't care, it doesn't bother you. We have to let that go because it it makes that's what makes us bitter. So you have to allow yourself, in my opinion, right? And this is what I've seen with the women I work with, allow yourself that space to feel the pain and then release it, and then you can move on. But sometimes we try to skip that step and act like nothing bothered us, and and you can see it, right? The people that haven't released that pain, but they're trying to pretend they don't have that pain, but you can see the the hurt and the bitterness in them. So you gotta get real with it, you have to get real with it in order to release it.

SPEAKER_02 14:41

That that is so true. That's why therapy is so crucial.

SPEAKER_00 14:44

Yes, so I can say it as a therapist and as a person who's been in therapists, which in therapy, which by the way, you know, therapist, we go to our own therapy, if anybody didn't know.

SPEAKER_02 14:56

Yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yes. I read that. Yes, yeah, you you you you have to. You have to because you know, you need you need that. You need to bounce it off someone. And for my, you know, you don't want to, you know, you don't want to do it with a family because they don't have the experience for one thing. You could tell them so much, but you need a professional to walk you through this stuff because it can be very, very challenging. Yes, like period in general, right?

SPEAKER_00 15:22

And you sometimes need like an objective person who sometimes family they care about us so much that they get so involved. And sometimes you just need someone who's neutral, objective, who can just listen and not be so emotional. You know, sometimes family they're ready to beat that person up. And how can you that's right, just you moved on and forgiven that person, but not your family.

SPEAKER_02 15:48

Yes, yeah, not the family. But um, you and I talked last night, you know, you know, 50 plus, you know, women who are 50 plus. And as I mentioned earlier, you know, not everyone, of course, wants to get married, but those who do want to be in serious relationships and do want to uh get married, even for the first time or again. Um, what are some of your clients telling? What are their biggest concerns about this relationship business and trying to find a bliss, your bliss in a relationship?

SPEAKER_00 16:24

Um, so some of the things is people feel if they've been, quote, out of the game for too long, they don't understand the new landscape. They're like online, or you know, everything is just about everything sometimes can feel transactional, like, oh, you get on a dating app, or you know, it feels like it's impersonal. So a lot of women talk about how they feel like it's a whole new world that they don't understand how to, you know, how to navigate it. The other thing is like we said earlier, um, women sometimes say they feel like they lack confidence. Sometimes they say, Well, there's so many younger women out here who who would want me, or if I haven't found someone yet, you know, that negative talking that we talk about starts to set in. So the two things that I've you know work with women on is um understanding how they can be confident in the the new world, which might include meeting people online, it might include um knowing how, you know, we've I've talked to women about get you some professional, nice pictures so you can feel good about yourself. Do a do an um um a profile on one of the apps and put your nice pictures and things that you like about yourself, right? And then the other thing is really building your confidence. Stop comparing yourself or saying, oh, well, you know, there's people, women half my age, nobody would want me. Or, you know, when you start comparing yourself to people, that's when you start to lose your confidence. So those two things are important learning what is the new um dating, you know, landscape or whatever, but also building your confidence and allowing yourself to just have fun. Stop thinking every time one person you meet that has to be the one. Just just it's like building a muscle. Go out, have fun, meet people, build your confidence, enjoy the moment, and stop making every you know, time you meet someone, it's like pressure, like, oh my god, the time the clock is ticking, and that's too much pressure to put on yourself. So, those are some of the things that I talk to women about.

SPEAKER_02 18:41

That is, and and with the whole new world of dating today, how does how do you go about learning boundaries, you know, setting standards in this new dating world?

SPEAKER_00 18:51

And that's what I say, never so boundaries is a balance, right? We want to have boundaries but not barriers. Let me say that again, right? Because a lot of us are putting up barriers which are keeping people out. Boundaries are about protecting us and having, you know, um, because other people should have boundaries too. So it's about respecting each other. But some of us put up walls because we're guarded, because we're still hurt, because we don't trust people. And what that does is that keeps out even the good people, right? If imagine we put up barriers, even that that one person that was like really positive or interested in you, you you've already shut the door. So we learn, right? How to have boundaries but not barriers, how to share a little bit of ourselves and trust our feelings on how the person we meet is, and then take it. It's like a dance, it's slowly. You don't want to go too fast and telling your whole life story the first time you meet somebody and all of that, right? Right, but even though you want to get as much information from them as you can, yes, and you want to use you, yeah, not you, but you want to that's how you start to to make a good judgment about someone, right?

SPEAKER_02 20:13

Because you know, people will close up later on, right? You have to get it while you can.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

I'm sorry, somebody that and stop being stop going too fast, but also stop um being so guarded and so distrustful. If you're finding yourself that someone does something kind for you and you're like, well, I don't trust it. What you know, you're having those those thoughts. You need to you need to step back and ask yourself, are you putting up barriers?

SPEAKER_01 20:43

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 20:44

I always say you have to trust yourself. If some if someone were to try to hurt me, I I trust myself enough to know that I will get, I'll be okay, right? So I don't put up a lot of barriers. I have boundaries, but I don't put up a lot of barriers to where I'm like always suspicious of people and things like that. No, I don't.

SPEAKER_02 21:12

So much great stuff. And I just want to wrap this with just one thing. Give us just a one or two or three healthy love tips, you know. And I know we talk about so much stuff, but if you have anything you want to drive home, and you've driven home so much already. But you know what I'm saying. So if you fell out passionate it works, yes, yeah, yes.

SPEAKER_00 21:31

So I would say you the thing you opened up with, treat yourself well. Treat yourself well, and don't always think of it as material things because some of us are feeding our our our voice in our life with material things. Give yourself and take take yourself to dinner or create a nice ritual for yourself at home, a nice beautiful place in your home that that makes you feel special and feel good about yourself, right? Right, just do and get into the practice of it because this is your if if you're over 50, this is your time. You put in the work, maybe you raised some kids or some you were an auntie or whatever it is you did. So this is your time and treat yourself well. Enjoy, learn to enjoy the moment. Don't let it feel like there's a clock ticking on your life. And if you don't hurry up and and get this stuff done, right? Enjoy the moment and um and yeah, use your boundaries to have standards for yourself, but don't shut people out. Some of us are so used to bad treatment that when someone treats us well, we get nervous. So, you know, you want to have boundaries, but not barriers when you're shutting people out.

SPEAKER_02 22:58

So many nuggets. Hashtag nuggets galore. Thank you so much, so much. You have offered our listeners, viewers, so much great information about finding your bliss in relationships. Uh, 50 plus finding balance and bliss in relationships. Um, everyone, we've been talking with Dr. Nicole Montiero. She is a psychologist and transformation coach. And I'm telling you, you you you got a lot of stuff out of this one, right? Yes, yes. I know you did. I know I did. I'm and I'm married. I still was thinking to myself, oh, oh, oh yeah, you can apply that even if you're in a relationship. So a lot of that stuff. Um, she has a relationship book out. It's called The Boundaries to Bliss Blueprint. So you can check that out. Um, you can check out all of her links um right here on the podcast. Um, we have links to all of her social media. And keep in mind that therapists, you know, one thing that that's so positive that came out of the whole pandemic is that we can do things via Zoom. We can you could do remote now. So you don't you don't have to go to a therapist in your town unless you want to, of course. You could you could do it virtual. I love that.

SPEAKER_00 24:05

And you can do um, I have a group coaching program that specifically works with women on boundaries in their relationships. So check that out on my social media.

SPEAKER_02 24:17

Yes, yes, and here again, all the links are right there. Dr. Nicole Montero, thank you again for coming on the show.

SPEAKER_00 24:24

Thank you so much, Marquita, and thank you for the platform. It's amazing.

SPEAKER_02 24:28

Thank you. Thank you. So you've been listening to the Age of Sclamour Girls podcast where we talk all things aging on this beautiful, liberating, and yeah, challenging um journey. And nothing is off limits. We talk about everything. If you have an idea for a podcast or if you want to be a guest on the show, simply drop us a line at info at agesglamourgirls.com. Again, that's info at agelessglamourgirls.com. You can also find us on Facebook, Instagram, other social media platforms. We have a private chat room on Facebook. It's called the Ageless Cafe. So come on over, join us there. We talk enough over there. In general, we would love to hear from you. Contact us, holler at us. We would love it. All right, lovies. Thank you so much for tuning in and be sure to follow us, like us on your favorite podcasting platform. We love stars. Five stars. Thank you very much. Um, and don't forget to share the wealth. I'm Markita Curtis Haynes. I am the host of the Ageless Glamour Girls Podcast. I'm also the CEO and founder of the lifestyle brand Ageless Glamour Girls. And I just want to say here's to healthy aging and joyful living. Reconnect soon. Bye bye for now. Thank you.