Awkward fertility questions and how to answer them

The Awkward Fertility Questions You are not prepared for(And How to Answer Them)

There is never a good time for these questions, but I feel during any celebratory time like Christmas it can feel more overwhelming when you're TTC or navigating IVF. And while everyone else is talking about food, gifts and plans… you’re bracing for the questions - the ones that cut deeper than people realise and you deserve to protect your peace.

In this episode, Emma shares real, practical scripts you can use when family, friends or colleagues make comments about fertility, IVF, age, your body that are not helpful!

You’ll learn how to set boundaries that suit you, how to protect your emotional energy, and move through Christmas and other occasions like Thanksgiving, without feeling triggered, exposed or blindsided.

This is your toolkit for staying grounded, protecting your peace, and getting through the holidays or any family/friend gatherings - on your terms.

In This Episode You’ll Learn:

• Why seemingly innocent Christmas questions can feel so painful
  
  
  
• How to respond to:
   • “When are you having kids?”
   • “Why don’t you just relax?”
   • “Have you thought about adoption?”
   • “Should you be drinking alcohol if you’re trying?”
   • “Aren’t you getting too old for all this?”

Even if the intention is good and including what to say when the intention is not good!

• Polite, firm and shut-it-down scripts for every situation, plus a one liner that is easy to remember and a great distraction for most situations
  
  
  
• How to protect your emotional energy during the festive season
  
  
  
• Ways to navigate triggering conversations without over-explaining
  
  
  
• Other things to consider to make these situations more about thriving than surviving and on your terms

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

Welcome to the IVF Abroad Podcast. For people who are struggling with infertility and trying to conceive, and who are facing more obstacles than options when it comes to having fertility testing or treatment in their home countries. Alongside other experts, I will share, educate, and empower you on your journey. And I'd like to learn more about going abroad for advanced fertility testing and treatment like IBF and Exnovation. I'm Emma Haslam, your host, now Mum of War, and the go-to expert in Fertility Treatment Award. Since the first past one in 2018, I've made it my mission to make fertility treatment more informed, transparent, accessible, supported, and affordable for more people. And I help people just like you to become stuck, to find a best fit clinic that truly meets their needs and to have fitted treatment on their turns and timescales so they can achieve their dreams of growing their families. And I'm here now to help you too. Be sure to check out the free resources in the show notes for more help after listening to today's episode. Hello, hi, and welcome to the IVF Abroad podcast. As I sit and record this episode on the 5th of December, I can't help but notice, I'm sure, like yourself, that literally Christmas is all around, even though it's not Christmas Day until the 25th of December, so another 20 days away. It's everywhere. And while Christmas can be wonderful, it can also be stressful, overwhelming, upsetting all of the things for people, depending on their circumstances. You know, some people are grieving, some people are on their own, some people are struggling with fertility and finding this time of year super overwhelming. Perhaps more gatherings with family, friends, which ultimately means for most people more questions. And so I wanted to record this episode for you, even if you don't celebrate Christmas. I know my friends across the pond have just had Thanksgiving, but if you don't celebrate Christmas, you're likely to have your own celebrations and you will gather with groups of family and friends at times, and questions will be thrown at you. And I'm bringing it up now on a podcast episode because I suppose Christmas is one of those times where people who celebrate Christmas are going to be likely doing more socializing and therefore experiencing more questions. So I wanted to give you some practical scripts to handle some of the triggering questions that you may get. The idea being that I can help you to maybe reduce some of the panic and dread that you might be feeling before family or friends gatherings. And so that you can think some of these things through, listen to some of the example answers and questions that I give you, and kind of work out what you think you might say if you're asked these, so that they don't completely derail you, and so that you can completely shut a conversation down if needed as well. Because any time where there's more gatherings, celebrations, for us perhaps being around more children, yuck. I hated that when I was going through like our struggles with trying to conceive. I found Christmas, even as a Christmas person, I love Christmas. I found it so, so hard. And yeah, I really just did not enjoy it at all, which is a real shame that that was taken away from me. But you can understand it, and I'm sure there'll be many of you listening to this who feel the same. So the aim of today's episode is to help you to feel prepared, grounded, and confident, not caught off guard, so that you can go into these situations with some practical scripts that you can save and use, tweak to make your own, depending on, you know, how you feel about saying things, who you're speaking to. I'm going to give you some different angles as well. So hopefully within there, there's an angle that you feel comfortable with. And I'm also going to give you a one-fail-safe line that even if you can't remember these things, even if you just remember this one thing from the podcast, it will really, really help you. So, first of all, I just want to normalize that if you are feeling anxiety around Christmas and meeting up with family and friends and dreading some of the questions that you may face or perhaps have faced in the past. And first of all, I just want to say solidarity because I've been there. This is not a you problem. This is just the sad reality, unfortunately, of what happens sometimes in these situations. And we know, don't we, that most of the time, most people don't mean us any harm. But that doesn't mean that the questions that they ask us don't cut deep. That doesn't mean that we wish that they would be more sensitive and not ask them. And often these come from people, of course, who haven't been through fertility struggles, so don't understand what it is like. But I want you to know that you're allowed to protect your emotional energy. You don't have to take it. And there are definitely ways in which we can still say these things with kindness or not. I mean, it, you know, it depends. Maybe it's a repeat offender, maybe they need a slightly firmer line. But what I want you to do is to give you some ideas of some questions that you may be asked, some common questions. And then what I've done is I've given some different options of responses of how you might respond to each question. So the first one I will read out is around like a kind of polite boundary. So if you're the kind of person that maybe feels quite awkward saying something when asked an inappropriate question, you may feel that this is around your kind of comfort level. Or you may feel you can be a little bit firmer, a little bit more direct. So I will give you an example of how you can do it in that way as well. And then I also give you a shut it down script, which is perhaps for repeat offenders, or when you know that somebody isn't gonna drop it and you just need them to. Now, of course, with all of these, these are just suggestions. You have to have a think about what you feel comfortable saying. But I'm hoping it might just give you some ideas because sometimes it's like in the heat of the moment, you just can't think of what to say. And as I said, what I'm gonna do, I think I said this, what I'm also gonna do at the end of these questions is I'm going to give you a fail-safe answer that is great for any situation. So even if you get to the end of this podcast and you're like, okay, I'm gonna try and remember those, and you don't remember them, there is one fail-safe answer that you can use in most situations that I would try and memorize as a great distraction technique, and I will take you through that as well. So, question number one When are you having children? I hope you haven't been asked this yet. If you haven't, it will likely come. It's like when me and my husband were like in a relationship, it's then like, when are you getting engaged? Then you get engaged, when are you getting married? And then it's like, when you having children. So inevitably, I think this question comes up for most people, and it's probably one of the most insensitive questions that people can ask, but I find it just seems to be normal that people ask this question, which to me is so bizarre. Although my husband and I have talked about this, and I, you know, I've said to him, I wonder if we've ever done this indirectly without thinking it through. It's very different now we've had our own fertility struggles. I would never dream of asking somebody this question. But it's interesting, isn't it? Perhaps what people, when they're not, they've never been through infertility, what they consider to be appropriate. And I think sometimes people, you know, are making small talk or struggling for conversation as well. I think that sometimes happens. And I think when you haven't seen people for a long time and they're perhaps catching up on big chapters of your life, if the last thing you did was get a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, get married or whatever, it seems like they have to think of like what well, what's the next thing, and then they ask that question. Um, but yes, this is a really, really tough one. So if we're thinking about kind of giving a polite boundary answer, you might say something like, that's not our focus right now. I know that it is your focus, but they they don't need to say, they don't need to know that. And actually, there's not much more anybody can say to that, so it's not something we're focusing on right now. If you're wanting to be a little bit firmer, you might say something like it's more personal than people realise, so we don't tend to discuss it. And if you really want to shut somebody down or shut them up, then you can just say that's not a question that we that we answer or we take from any more. Take from anyone anymore. So just have a have a think about those, let them sit with you for a moment and see do any of those feel like something that you could say? Now I know there'll be some of you cringing thinking, I can't say any of those, but I just want you to feel empowered that you absolutely can. And if you feel uncomfortable with this, think about the first option of the it's not something we're focusing on right now. And you can practice it to yourself and you can change the wording. Like this language has to be something that sounds like it would come from you, of course. But you know, maybe just be sort of practicing it, writing it down, saying it to yourself so that when somebody asks you, it just comes out of second nature. And all of these, I think, shut shut the conversation down, which is exactly what you want. So, question number two, again, another common one, which is around the you know, oh, just relax, it'll happen when you're least thinking about it. Um, all of that kind of style of question. So, again, thinking to the kind of polite boundary, you could say I wish it were that simple. If you wanted to be a little bit firmer than that, which I think shuts the conversation conversation down better, then I wish it were that simple. Relaxing doesn't fix medical issues, but thank you for the thought. And then if you want to be really direct and again shut someone down, you may say something like, Look, you know, that kind of comment really is not helpful. Can we change the subject? Or let's change the subject. And again, I know some of you will be like, Oh my god. But again, you know, you've got to think who you're speaking to and what's appropriate. And now is this somebody that that you know constantly asks you inappropriate things and they need they need telling. You know, all too often we think about the feelings of other people, but what about us? And you know, there are ways to still say these things where actually it doesn't upset them, it doesn't upset you, and ultimately stops the conversation and stops the questions. Another question that you may face if you haven't already are things like have you thought about adoption? Have you thought about surrogacy? Have you thought about getting a dog? You know, whatever it is. Um so you might say something like, There are many paths to parenthood and we're thinking about what's right for us. That may invite some more questions, but you can say we're not sure, we're just still exploring. Um you may say something like, adoption is a completely separate journey. It's not a replacement for medical care. Or you could say, look, I I'm not up for discussing family building choices today, or I'm not up for discussing this today. And again, that will shut people down quite nicely. I hate this one. I've had this as well. Should you be drinking if you're trying to conceive? This actually made my blood boil. So again, I think it depends on sometimes the question, how much it triggers you, who it's coming from. Because for me, like some of the other questions I think people are genuinely trying to help, perhaps. So the their intention might be good, but the should you be drinking alcohol if you're trying one to me just feels like there's there's no good. I don't feel like that comes from a good place. So you may say something like thanks, I'm making choices that are right for me today. I really like that one. Or don't worry, my doctor and I have it covered. Or my choices are not up for discussion. I quite like that as well. And I know some of these sound harsh, but actually sometimes they are just needed. And you're getting a bit old for all this. Oh, this is another one that I'm really uncomfortable with. So I work with some clients that and even myself who were classed as geriatric um when trying to conceive, and I found this a little bit of a trigger point. And again, I feel like this is really not coming from a good place when somebody asks you this. And I would say something like, you know, age is just one part of a very complex picture, that's quite a nice way of closing something down, or you know, my doctors and I understand my options. And if you really want to stop them from saying any more, you can just say, my age is absolutely nobody else's business. Because these questions really hurt. You know, they tap into grief, they tap into trauma, they highlight uncertainty that we're already feeling, they trigger comparison, and they just remind us of a timeline that we did not choose. And you deserve more, you deserve respect, you deserve support, you do deserve informed care, not pressure. So they're kind of some questions that you might want to prepare yourself for. Another great answer to pretty much any question that you want to avoid. I've taken this inspiration from um Money Mindset mentor, Denise Duffield Thomas. I don't know if you've ever come across her. If you're in the business-to-business world, you might listen to her podcast, or you may have um read her Money Mindset book. She talks a lot about business and money mindset and things like that. And um she tells us stories of when people are kind of questioning family gatherings, people about their businesses, and maybe the businesses are in the their infancy and that they're sort of feeling their way around what they're doing, and then family members or friends are asking them inappropriate questions and making them feel rubbish about their businesses and things like that. And so she talks about having, you know, answers to kind of avoid a situation. And she talks about saying, and she's Australian, saying, Have you tried the bean dip? Um, and what she means by that is like it can be anything. So somebody's talking to you at a gathering, often when it's some sort of family gathering or friends gathering, there's food or drink involved. And so usually you can walk over something and say, so she would say, Have you tried the bean dip? It could be like, Oh, have you tried the hummus? Have you tried the Greek salad? Have you tried the so you literally just change the course of the conversation? Or you know, you can sometimes, it might be appropriate to pretend you haven't heard somebody if it's not a direct face-to-face conversation. So wherever you can trying to say your version of, have you tried the bean dip? And I always remember that from listening to that podcast episode because as I said at the beginning, if you remember nothing else from some of these suggestions and scripts, if you can just distract people in some way, shape, or form, then that can be really helpful as well. It might be that you think about who a safe person might be for you to sort of zoom in on. So before you arrive, thinking about who's going to be there and who's going to be your safe person that you know will not ask these questions to kind of align yourself with these people. Or maybe you can get an ally who knows what you're going through, who doesn't ask you these sorts of questions, who you can say how you're feeling nervous and who can kind of be that plus one for you while you're there. So that if you do get these inappropriate people, perhaps they can just cut into the conversation and say, Have you tried the bean dip? or something, you know, completely random, just to kind of shut it down, but in a way where the other person doesn't even realise that has happened, so that you can then perhaps absent yourself and move somewhere else. Also planning an exit strategy. So maybe not committing to go into something for the whole night, maybe, you know, just thinking through how you can get out of something if it is not what you want it to be, or if you just know you're gonna find it too stressful, thinking in advance, you know, how to absent yourself so that you've been, you've done your bit, and then you can leave. So almost giving yourself like a pre-written excuse, I guess. You know, an excuse with good reason. Curate your social media as well. You know, maybe you need a social media break over Christmas. Just remember that anything people post on social media is a snippet in time. You're gonna see people in their matching Christmas pajamas. You're gonna see these pictures of families looking perfect in inverted commas. And, you know, we just know that that's not true. It's a snippet in time, it's a perfect moment in time. However, when you are struggling with something and somebody's got what you want and you haven't got, you will look at that picture and you will think, you know, that is the perfect family. Why don't I have that? And I did that too. And sometimes we've got more time to spend time on social. Media and things when it's the holidays, like Christmas. And so perhaps your consumption of things like social media actually goes up. And just question whether or not that is good for your mental health. You know, maybe you need to unfollow some people, maybe you just need a social media break completely. But just remember that a lot of what you see online, these perfect happy families, it's not the case. But I understand when it's something that you want, that that's all that you will see. So perhaps that is something that isn't helpful for you to see at this time of year. And then just have a think about some of the gatherings and things that you've got coming up. And if you want to go, like, do you have to go? Does it make you a bad person? If you don't want to go, you know, you don't have to say you don't want to go. You can come up with any excuse. You know, small white life or something like that is okay. It doesn't make you a bad person. But if you do go, decide in advance what you will and won't talk about. And if you're in a couple, that might be something you want to discuss and chat through. So that you, again, it's about feeling prepared, isn't it? Before you go. I think that's a massive, massive part of it. And there will be some of you listening to this who maybe don't find Christmas particularly triggering and are still able to enjoy Christmas. And that's okay too. Like, don't feel guilty if you do still enjoy Christmas. But inevitably, these questions come up at different points in time. And I'm just hoping that it maybe will be helpful to you to consider what you might say if people ask you these sorts of questions or other questions. Um, because definitely being prepared, I think, helps massively. And just knowing that it's okay not to put yourself in situations where you know you're gonna struggle, it's quite alright to decide you're not going to do something. So I hope that this is exactly what one of you at least needed to hear before Christmas. And remember that very soon it will be all over again for another year. And you don't owe anybody an explanation for anything. It doesn't make you a bad person. You know, it's okay to have boundaries and it's okay to not answer somebody's questions. It's also okay to educate people. You know, there may be people in your life that actually you know it comes from a really good place, and that perhaps with them, it might be that you say, Look, I know you don't mean to cause me any upset or harm, but when people ask me these sorts of questions, this is how it makes me feel. What would help me instead would be if you said this, or if you didn't say anything. I think sometimes if we're close to people and we've got that relationship, we can say that and we can tell them what we do want them to do. And actually, they will be super grateful because a lot of the time people, the ones with the good intentions, are just a clueless and don't know what to say and panic a bit, I think, sometimes. And so say the wrong things. And you know, for those people around you that love you and care deeply about you, they would really appreciate that input from you, telling them what is and isn't helpful if you feel up to managing that. I appreciate that isn't always how we feel. So sometimes it's just about shutting down those conversations. And I really hope that within this episode, you've got some really good ideas of what you can say that suit your style of personality, that suit perhaps the question that someone's asking you, the intention behind the question. And if all else fails, remember have you tried the hummus, Greek salad, turkey, bean dip? Until next week, my friends, see you later. If you are facing more obstacles than options and want to learn more about how to overcome your fertility testing and treatment challenges in your home country so that you too can fast track to growing your family and on your terms, then check out my free training at your IBFabroad at co.uk forward slash free masterclass. Don't forget to rate and subscribe so you don't miss an episode, and so that I can reach and help more people. Thanks for listening.