Triumph Over Trauma!
Triumph Over Trauma!
Traci's Story: How Love and Light overcome the darkness of Trauma
Have you ever witnessed the transformational power of hope when all odds seemed stacked against it? Our latest Triumph Over Trauma episode introduces Tracy Swift, a remarkable voice from our TikTok community, whose story embodies resilience and the strength of faith in facing life's darkest moments. As we come together in prayer, Tracy prepares to unwrap her journey through grief and the affirmation that healing is within reach for all of us wrestling with the trauma of our past.
Navigating the aftermath of a traumatic childhood, Tracy's narrative is a piercing look at the scars left by loss, violence, and the struggle for self-worth that often goes unspoken within black and brown communities. We travel through her youth, marked by heartbreak and the constant battle to emerge from the shadows of shame and silence. Yet, it's in these stories of overcoming, shared raw and unfiltered, that we find a roadmap for hope, illustrating the intricate process of piecing back the fragments of a fractured existence.
Our conversation with Tracy culminates in a testament to the unwavering role of faith in her path to reclaim life's joys. From the brink of despair to moments of profound clarity and courage, Tracy's experiences are a beacon guiding us toward understanding and action. As we close this poignant chapter, we extend the warmest invitation for you to join us in this space of support and transformation. May Tracy's story resonate, offering you the comfort of knowing that even in the deepest turmoil, triumph is not just a possibility, but a destination within our grasp.
- What is Trauma? Trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. An emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, abuse, neglect or natural disaster.
- How to cope with Trauma Talk to a few trusted people, open up about your struggle, seek online support groups, read self-help books or practice small acts of self-care such as meditation, breathwork, yoga and exercise can help you regain some feeling of control.”
- Find a therapist Get Started (betterhelp.com)
Online Psychiatric Medication & Mental Telehealth Services - Rx Anxiety, Depression & Insomnia Treatment | Cerebral - Triumph Over Trauma Scripture: II Corinthians 2:14 Now thanks be unto to God, who always causes us to Triumph in Christ....
- Books I'm reading on my healing journey.
It Didn't Start with You! - How Inherite
2 Corinthians 2:14 Now thanks be unto God, who always causes us to Triumph!
Hey y'all, welcome to Triumph Over Trauma, the podcast. Listen y'all. I created this podcast because, like so many other people, I've had a traumatic past. I didn't always realize how those things affected me negatively and how I even carried them into my adult life, and so I wanted to create a space where other people could come and we could have candid conversations on how you identify trauma, how do you navigate it and how you recover from traumatic experiences. If this resonates with you, then join me. I am your host and trauma survivor, ms Eve McNair. Let's get into it. Hey guys, welcome back to Triumph Over Trauma. Listen, I know it's been a minute, but I'm starting a new series called your Story.
Speaker 1:I actually opened up an invitation to my social media followers, specifically my followers on TikTok, because that's where we get the most. Volume is on TikTok, and the feedback has been great. So many people have signed up to share their stories of triumph, trauma and how God is literally bringing them through it. Our guest for today is Tracy Swift, one of my TikTok followers, who joins me. Every time we do morning devotion, almost every time we do evening prayer, she is there and she volunteered to share her story, and her shared story is phenomenal, such a testament to the grace, the mercy, the power of God and the resilience of one who is definitely endeavoring to triumph over the trauma that she has endured. To triumph over the trauma that she has endured. So listen to her story and let me know if you are also inspired to share your story of triumph or how you're still looking to identify, navigate or recover from traumatic experiences.
Speaker 1:We'd love to hear from you and have you as a guest on the show. We've all been through something and we need community stories that are real, that are raw, transparent, but are there as guides to help us as we learn to triumph over our trauma. Thanks for listening. Good morning, morning. How are you? I am well. How are you? I'm doing?
Speaker 2:good.
Speaker 1:I'm going to start with a word of prayer and then we're going to get right into it. So, father, we just thank you, we just praise you, we bless you and give you all the glory, all the honor and the praise. God, we thank you for this day. We thank you that you have kept us, that you have covered us, that you have watched over us and protected us. God, through all that we've been, through all that we've experienced, you saw fit for us to make it and to survive it, and now we're hoping to thrive, god, and that what you have delivered us from.
Speaker 1:I thank you for miss swift on today, for allowing her to be here. We know that this moment was predestined, guy, uh, before we, we were, we were even born. We thank you, father, god, because you said in your word that they overcome by the blood of the lamb, in the word of their testimony. So we thank you right now for the testimony that's going to come forth, that's going to give your name to glory, that's going to magnify you and exemplify your grace, your mercy, your power, your deliverance, your compassion and your love. In Jesus' holy name, we pray, amen, amen, amen. We want to specifically center around how trauma has affected you, and so we want to hear about your story. I'm going to ask you several questions. I want you to describe a time. I have two parents who were brought over you know, came over from Belize.
Speaker 2:My father worked for Ford as an engineer and it wasn't enough money. So what do parents do when it's not enough money to take care of the family? We go sometimes we make bad decisions to go bring extra money in, and he did. He made a bad decision and he started selling drugs to move us out of a bad neighborhood. Um, the gang members in the neighborhood told him you can't do that in here. He's here and they murdered him. Right, yeah, they murdered him.
Speaker 2:So the day he was murdered, him and my mother had a fight. So the day he was murdered, him and my mother had a fight and she didn't want him to leave. She got upset, she didn't kiss him goodbye and that was their last moment. And she said, because she didn't want to kiss him, he picked me up, held me, told me he loved me, he kissed me and that's all I ever knew. Wow, you know, from growing up, all I've had was pictures and what a great man he was. He was a provider, you know. So I was just like, oh Lord, this is how we start now how old?
Speaker 2:were you. I was nine months.
Speaker 1:Oh, you were a baby, wow, okay.
Speaker 2:Okay. So then, you know, dealing with a mother who wasn't working she was a stay-at-home mom, so she had to go out and figure it out, you know, with two children. So let's see, the real trauma started, I want to say, right before I turned eight years old, okay, we were living in California, mm-hmm, and my mother started dating this guy. His name was Orion, mm-hmm, like the star, yeah, and I remember when I first met him. You know how you meet somebody you don't know. Yeah, you hide behind him. I don't know you.
Speaker 2:Right right, I don't like you, something about you, you know. So it was one of them moments. Well, she moved in with this man and when she was away he found time to come after me and it was always times where there was nobody to help. My brother was outside playing with his friends and who got stuck inside and nobody knew. And you know that molestation lasted until I was nine. Wow, and not because I said something, because he told me. You know, you tell anybody I'm gonna kill your mother and your brother. So of course I'm, you know I'm seven, going on, I ain't told nobody.
Speaker 1:Whoops, right you know, I, I can't lose my family.
Speaker 2:Exactly, I never said anything. They had a fight about their own relationship.
Speaker 2:I guess he became abusive to her and she decided to leave, still never told, never said anything, okay, because for me that was shame, like oh my God. And then I didn't know how to wrap that around my mind. It happened to me, right, right. And then, so you know, time goes on. She moved out, we're just, we're living on our own in an apartment, and I was about 12. My brother was about 15. He was in trouble at school, so she moved us closer to my grandparents, okay, which was in the hood, which didn't bother me, right, I'm going to a new lifestyle. Didn't bother me, right? You know we're going to a new lifestyle, right? And so when we moved down to Los Angeles because we were living in Hollywood at the time, mm-hmm, there used to be a phone line called the party line. Do you remember that? I remember that. I remember that, okay, okay, me and my brother used to get on the party line. I met people in the party line and, of course, had no guidance. Nobody sits there to say we're not going to do this.
Speaker 1:At this point, you were living with your grandmother.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm. Yes, we moved down to where my grandmother was, but with my mom still oh, okay, I see and so mom always work, right, I'm going to work. And when she got off she did her right. You know, no, I had three guys, right I don. Idle hands is a devil playground.
Speaker 1:Better know it.
Speaker 2:So, you know, met these young boys and girls and we all hung out. Well, in the process of hanging out, I was raped at the age of 13. One boy held my hand while the other did his thing and their mother was in the house. Wow, they told their mother that my mom said it was okay for me to spend the night and that everything was okay. So I left early that morning because I was short. I was like let me hurry up and get up out of here.
Speaker 2:So, I got home and went to my grandmother's and I told her what happened. They have a hospital called Children's Hospital in Los Angeles. She took me there. You know they did the whole rape kit and they gave me the after-morning pill. I had to go to court because CPS was sent to the house.
Speaker 1:To your mother's house or to the boy's house? No, to my house. Okay.
Speaker 2:They pressed charges. He didn't do jail time Wow, he got house arrest because he was under the age of 18. So he got house arrest. I was mandated therapy until the age of 18. So I had to do therapy twice a week one-on-one and group therapy. Okay, I will say this that extra trauma or the part where I felt what I went through was nothing compared to the stories I was hearing, and I feel that they should never do group therapy with children. You can do that with an adult, you should do that with an adult, right, but children no.
Speaker 2:Because I was sitting in a room where, you know, we all had our parents with us. Okay, there were other children and you go around the room and I'm hearing all these other people's stories and I'm like, you know, I've heard these sisters who were raped by their father. Wow, you know, three girls. Even the little toddler in my head like, oh, my god, right, you know, yeah, what I went through was nothing. You had your father then that that did a number on my mind and I don't think people understand that when you put children in a setting like that, they feel or what I went through was nothing, I shouldn't you know yeah, it made you feel like you had to minimize your trauma.
Speaker 2:Yes, oh I definitely minimized my trauma, what I went through, and then it made my mother minimize it too. Okay, that happened. Go, come on, we're gonna flip that on this brother, let's go. We got things. So I didn't get the. Let me nurture on you, let me love on you and let you understand. I didn't get the let me nurture on you, let me love on you and let you understand. I didn't get that from her. I got it all from my grandmother.
Speaker 1:So let me ask you this At this point first of all, I want to offer my sincerest apologies and sympathies toward what you experienced. I some of what you said I can certainly actually a lot of what you said I can relate to and have had similar experiences. I remember feeling like I couldn't tell anybody. I received threats as well, not that they were gonna, that perpetrators were gonna harm or kill anyone else other than me, but I received those types of threats as well to kind of silence you. But I think, even just hearing some of what you said already, I feel like there was compounded trauma, like you said, with to confide in. At the point where you are then assaulted by these boys, do you tell your mother what happened to you when you were a child? I did.
Speaker 2:After the assault I did, and it was. Why didn't you tell me? Well, because he told me he would kill us, right, you know. And then um told the police, okay, looking for him, they couldn't find him at all. Um, you know, life starts to okay, we're trying to get back on track, we're going to right, going to school. You know, I think there was still no compassion in my home, though, okay, what I went through, it looks. Come on, let's go get past it. Let's get through it. It's another day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, speak about this yeah, and I think that I think that um and I too can relate to that as well. I think that for some reason, especially in black and brown communities, where we weren't really given the space or the opportunity to kind of deal with things as they happened or to confront them, I think as a coping strategy, we just automatically take on this well, I got to get over this, I got to keep going, I got to do this. We just automatically take on this well, I gotta kill, gotta keep going right. And, like you said, it breeds this lack of compassion, because I remember telling my caregivers and people who were responsible for me that there were things that had happening and it was just like it was. Either I was penalized for somehow or it was like okay, well, you know, do you just stay with them? They stay with you and and and it's like when you're well, you know, you just stay away from them, they stay away from you and you just keep moving.
Speaker 2:And it's like when you're a child, you're looking at them like no, you're supposed to protect me.
Speaker 1:Right, and I think in that I think, if I can trace my thought back and my emotions back to those times, I think that is where I learned to suppress my emotions, to hide my truth. That's where I learned that I was not safe with anyone. That's what I learned that I couldn't trust those who said they loved me. You know what I mean? Oh yeah, and it didn't matter what I experienced or how badly I had been hurt by someone. I had to keep it to myself.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, absolutely, Because it felt like your feelings weren't being validated.
Speaker 2:it's like no matter if I came to you to be vulnerable and for help or to seek help or guidance. It was like it's like, okay, I'll just keep it all on the inside. And then was just so explosive If you said the wrong what's up right here, right, you know? And I had to sit back like ma'am, why are you so angry? Why are you so like it could be the smallest thing and you're just afraid to cut somebody, cut you out of my life, everything? And I really had to look like I had to do a whole lot of social. I'm like I am so angry. And then, when I got down to the root, I was angry at my mother. That's where all the anger came from. Okay, well, that was angry at my mother. That's where all the anger came from, okay.
Speaker 1:Well, that leads me to my next question, because I was going to ask you how do you feel like and I get the gist that those two stories that you shared with me three were just the tip of the iceberg as far as the journey.
Speaker 2:It was very tipped.
Speaker 1:But even though it seems like I'm pretty sure you have so much more to share in that regard they they have been very early in life and when you're still developing, when you're still growing, when you're still trying to come into your own personhood and find out who you are and feel your way in life. So how did they affect you mentally, emotionally and in any capacity? How were you affected? I?
Speaker 2:didn't want to be seen. I didn't everything not to be seen. I dressed like a boy. I didn't want you to see how I look. I didn't. I tried not to smell pretty. I did everything underneath the Sun so nobody would notice me. Because I thought if you didn't notice me you would try to hurt me.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:That's deep, so I did everything. I didn't learn to be a girl, a girly girl, until prom came around, because I wanted to be a dresser. I didn't know how to walk in heels, so I had to train myself. Okay, girl, let's put on a dress, you know.
Speaker 2:All the way up until then. I mean, mean, I look like a boy, I walk like a boy, I talked like a boy, I had my hair braided all the time so nobody knew what I was like growing up. Are you a stud? And at the time I was like what's that? What's the stud? No right, what's the stud? You know? And I didn't know. I kept to myself. I was a complete loner. I would go in the library, I would be somewhere where nobody could find me, leave me alone, and it would be moments where, of course, I'd see it in Bible Boys, because the boys would try to grab me and I would fight you Like no, no, no, we're going to fight. I don't care if you beat me up, we're going to fight. So that all happened at the age of 16. My mother and I had it out. You know, you feel you grown, grown folks had their own place and their own space, stay less and I moved out. That was it From 16 all the way to 35. We had no relationship. Wow.
Speaker 1:Let's park right there for a second, because you said something that I feel like I might forget. One of the most powerful things is that used to me, that spoke up to me was that you said, after those incidents where you were violated, where you were abused, misused, and where all those things happen to you and you look to people for help, and specifically your mother, and couldn't find that. I heard you say that one of the ways that you dealt with or tried to protect yourself was to be unseen. Right, you said you dress differently, you behave differently and that was your way of protecting yourself. And I think about all the ways that children, adolescents, grow up and we see them in these different things that we call a phase. We realize that sometimes this is their means of protecting themselves. Right, if we look at these kids and what's wrong with them, why they act like that, you never know what a child could be going through, what they could be hiding or what they could be trying to protect themselves from um.
Speaker 1:I remember I have a twin brother and I remember, after my experience with um sexual abuse I wanted to dress like my brother. I wore the baggy jeans, I wore my hair back in one ponytail no, no earrings, no makeup, none of it. And I wanted to look as less attractive as possible. I wanted to be ugly right and in that way nobody else would find me attractive or appealing and maybe I would be safe enough to be myself. But I think the trick in that is that sometimes you get lost.
Speaker 2:Oh, I know for sure I can say I was lost more than half of my life. I took all of my 30s to rewire my mind, to work through my hurt, my pain, my anger, to not be mad at myself for taking so long to get back to me. I think that was still is kind of like a little hurtful that I hid myself for so long, that it took me this long to come back and find myself and learn how to create boundaries, and that's one of the most hardest things ever.
Speaker 1:It is.
Speaker 2:To create boundaries, to tell people no and to really express how you feel to somebody without the feeling of I'm going to be hurt or you're going to be mad or you're not going to talk to me again. It used to be a people pleasure. Because what I've been through, I didn't want you to leave me. I had a bad decision. What is it can I do to help you, even if it costs me more pain or put me in a hole? I didn't want you to leave me and to get out of that mindset of if you leave you leave. Right Is what it is Right. It has nothing to do with what I can do for you or what I can't.
Speaker 2:You didn't want to be here, right. But when you're so trapped in your mind of I'm not good enough, I don't look good enough, my body ain't right, I don't feel this. I'm not. You know all these things.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Then you feel like your moral compass is kind of jacked up because of what you've been through.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And then you have to rewire yourself and say what I've been through is not my fault. I cannot blame myself for another human being's actions. That's true. That's true. Nor am I going to blame myself for having it happen to me, Because, as victims, we do. I don't know if it's normal, I don't know if it's chemical to something bad happened to his man. It's my fault If I didn't do this. It's my fault If I didn't wear this. If I didn't, you know, have my hair this way or smell a certain way, it wouldn't happen. And that is so much.
Speaker 1:I think it's natural to blame yourself. We know this. I think, internally, we know that someone is to blame. But I think, internally, we know that someone is to blame. But I think when we have been abused in that way, our right has been taken away, and so we don't know how to place blame on who really is at fault, and so we blame ourselves.
Speaker 2:We feel like there's something that I should have could have done, you know differently and the shoulda, woulda, coulda will tear you down and tear you apart, because all you're doing is sending your own mind and reliving everything over and, over and over again and having the pain continue to being brought to the surface, versus you dealing with it and saying, hey, let's get to the root of all the problems, let's work on it.
Speaker 1:I want to speak to something else you said Before I get back to you the length of time that it took for you and your mother to kind of hash things out. I heard you say that it took you a long time for you to come back to yourself. So my question is how did you know that you were away from yourself, right? And what did it feel like for you to be back?
Speaker 2:I realized I lost myself because I was living a very destructive life Okay, very destructive To the point. A lot could have went different ways. I was hanging around a round crowd you know out in the streets, you know hanging around with the drug dealers, the pimps, the hoes, the hustlers everybody you know being the drug dealers, the pimps, the hoes, the hustlers, everybody you know being taught how to survive. Right, because I was out on the street on my own at 16. So I was being taught how to survive and what not to do and just everything. And I got to a point I got pregnant at 25. Mind you, let me rewind.
Speaker 1:So from 16 to 25, you were on your own. Yep, okay, and who did you live with? Like friends?
Speaker 2:When I left at 16, I moved in-Sinai. Then they told me they scraped my uterus so bad because they wanted to get all the cancerous cysts out and everything that my uterus is tilted now because they were scraping so hard that it tilted. They told me that it's a possibility I could never have kids. They told me it was a possibility. If I could, I would have to do in vitro. And so 25, actually on my 25th birthday she was conceived. Oh, wow, uh-huh, 25th birthday. She was conceived. And I was just like, oh, my goodness. And I realized, what are you going to do? I was like, well, I was told I couldn't have a child. I'm going to keep this baby.
Speaker 2:The father of my child wasn't ready. He wanted me to have an abortion and I told myself, look, I'm not forcing anybody to be a parent, you don't have to be in this child's life, but whenever you are ready she will be here waiting for you. I will never speak ill of you, because that is not my place, never did. After that it was just. You know, life slowed down for me mentally. You have a child now, you being in the streets, you hanging out with these people doing these things. I mean when I was in the street, you hanging out with these people doing these things, you know, because I mean, when I was in the streets, I was selling drugs, because that's not what I knew how to survive. Okay, I had a job in selling drugs in order to facilitate a week.
Speaker 1:We heard that earlier in this story, in your story. Remember when you talked about your father? Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:Regurgitating the same, and I got out of it because it could have gotten me killed. I got out of that lifestyle. I stopped hanging out with those kind of people and it was hard. It was hard to let go of. What taught me how to survive Before I had my. Let me rewind. Before I had my. Let me rewind. Before I had my daughter, though right before I had, I was told about ovarian cancer.
Speaker 2:I was raped by this gentleman and I know him because and I felt like I blamed myself, you know because one I was an adult and I should have known better to remove myself from the situation when it became comfortable. But I didn't. I froze like a kid and I beat myself up over it. Like you're grown, you can laugh, you know any of these things. But in that moment I was a reindeer with a headlight on, a rose in my eye, and that carried ever. Since that situation, I stopped putting my like. I didn't want to go nowhere.
Speaker 2:I didn't want to hang out with nobody, I didn't talk to people, and so I beat myself up over that situation for a very long time Because I was like you knew better, you didn't have to put yourself in a situation you know. And then I still have to say you are still a person who was dealing with trauma, who never really faced your trauma at all or able to fix it.
Speaker 1:Well, I want to say that none of these incidents was ever your fault, that none of these and and none of these incidents was it ever your fault. I mean, you know, like you said, we we tried to place blame on ourselves because we're trying to see if what happened could have been reversed by something you did or didn't do. But the reality of it is is that we live in a broken world, right, we live in a broken world with, with, where evil exists. And when I look back about my own life and I see incidents and, and I would think to myself, how come this always keeps happening to me? Right, and when I, when I, when I got saved and started to pray and started to know the lord, and I would hear people say, well, different, different, uh, same spirit, but different faiths.
Speaker 1:And I'm like, well, what is the spirit behind these, these traumatic experiences that I? Well, what is the spirit behind these traumatic experiences that I'm having? What is this spirit? And I realized it was a spirit of abuse, it was a spirit of trauma, and one of the things I've realized is that you fight spirit with spirit. Right, the Bible says that our weapons are not carnal, they're not like worldly weapons, but they are mighty to the pulling down of strongholds. Strongholds are those demonic fortified places in the spirit that we must fight through the spirit of God. And it's literally been that fight in prayer and in the word of God and seeking God for healing, for restoration, for strength, that has literally helped me to learn how to triumph over the trauma.
Speaker 1:Obviously, it's a process and I'm still in this fight, but you begin to understand that wait a minute this thing is bigger than me, right? And not only is it bigger than me, but a lot of the things that has happened in my life has happened in people's lives before me, and that it did not start with me, but it can end with me if I take it to the one that can help me to fight in. For me, that has been God, that has been Jesus Christ. So you spoke to, you said, around the age of 35, that's when you spoke to your mom yes, and it's more so because I don't know how long she has with this.
Speaker 2:She has heart failure and it started to get really bad recently and everything in me was like you got to fix this, Okay. And it wasn't for her, it was for me. I no longer wanted to carry this anger, this pain, the hurt. I didn't want to feel that I would hear her voice. I tell you it would make me angry and I was like I shouldn't feel that way. I don't like to be angry. I don't say the word hate. I don't believe in saying any of those things. I don't. I don't even operate on that. So for me to still have this anger, it was just like come on, girl, we're going to work this out, Okay.
Speaker 2:And you know, I had called my therapist up like I don't know what to do, because Lord, take the wheel Right. And my therapist was like well, why don't you tell her everything? I was like she got heart issues, Right, I don't want her to have a heart attack on me, Right? I didn't do no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't need to, no. So she was just like write out everything. She was like everything you could possibly and don't get me wrong. I got journals, yeah, same, oh my God, I got journals, If somebody ever wants to code on.
Speaker 1:I'm going to page Right.
Speaker 2:You know and so like, by the time I got done writing it was like 10 pages and I read it to my therapist she was like, now that you have written it out, you have read it out, how do you feel? I said I have compassion, understanding, because I had to take my mind frame. Look, how were you raised? What was your childhood like? How did you interpret your childhood? As I digested that, I started to realize I see why you had no compassion. I see why you didn't know how to nurture me Because we're from Belize. So when my grandmother came over, she came over with my grandfather so they could make money to send back home, to bring them home. So my great grandmother was raising her and from my mother's point of view, she told me that she always felt like she was getting beat by my great grandmother. Everything she said. My great grandmother would be nervous. You know, I kind of understood and I was just like, instead of her communicating with you and talking to you verbally, she beat you.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I had to go down that whole path of her childhood. How she felt. I realized my mother is a runner. She doesn't face any of her problems. She's taught us that she'll pick up a run. I had to rewire myself. No, no, no, no. For me personally. A lot of people tell me you're aggressive. No, I'm not aggressive, but I'm not going to run away from anything that's in my face and I can fix it. And so you know having to learn who she is, how she's been moving in her life. God gave me grace to give to her and compassion to let go of that anger and hurt of why weren't you there, lady, why you didn't do this lady. You can't expect somebody to give you something they never had that's true.
Speaker 1:So when would you say that you came to this moment, when I heard you speak about god and his grace and it's evident that his grace and mercy has, you know, been in your life and have kept you and, you know, has gotten you where you are today in this healing journey. I hardly speak about therapy, which I consider one of the greatest toolkits you can have in your toolkit. I always say that Jesus and therapy saved my life. Right, but when would you say you came to the point where? Because I find that there are Christians, believers all over the world who have gone through certain things and they separate their trauma from God. Like when I first came to God, I was just like, okay, I'm going to be safe, I'm going to do all the things, I'm going to be a good Christian. But I never introduced my trauma to him, I never told him where I was hurting.
Speaker 2:Would you say? Did you ever had a moment where you talked to him about that, or was it like it was a moment? Oh no, it was several moments where I was angry with god and I came to god angry. Okay, why are you allowing this to happen to me? Why is this happening? What did I do? I, I haven't done anything wrong, I haven't sinned, I haven't this.
Speaker 2:Why am I being punished? Oh, absolutely, and a lot of people like you should tell me I can't believe you talk to God like that. I can't believe you come to God, tell me God you angry. Who else am I supposed to tell it to? Right, and that's in my mind, right? God tells you to come to me as you are. So if I'm angry and I'm hurt, I'm going to come to you with this and I want questions and I want answers. And sometimes you don't get the answers. And then sometimes you got to understand nobody's exempt from going through anything. It is how you handle it and how you move forward in life with it. And so God, god's always been with me. Ooh, baby, when I tell you, god has kept me, kept Even when I felt like he didn't keep me kept. I was kept, even when I was going through my trauma and I was angry at God and I started to lose my faith Because it felt like everything was just back to back to back to back.
Speaker 2:It felt like I'm in a hole and every time I look up it's just getting higher and higher and higher and there's nowhere for me to dig out of. And I got to the point where I just told God I'm tired, I'm tired of fighting, okay, I'm tired of feeling pain, I'm tired of hurting, I'm exhausted mentally and I need your help, okay. So you know, it was that point where I was just like God, I knew it, whatever I'm doing, obviously it ain't right.
Speaker 1:How old were you at that point when you had this come to I don't want to say come to Jesus moment? It sounds like you already knew him. But how? When you got to the end of your rope?
Speaker 2:32. 32, I couldn't take it at 32. It felt like you know how you see in the movies like Indiana.
Speaker 2:Jones with the walls and clothes and all of them, and he was trying to get out of this small little bitty space. That's how I felt Like I was in that little bitty space and there was no air, no, nothing, and everything was just crawling in on me and I got to the point where I felt like I didn't want to live, I didn't want to be here anymore, I felt like life wasn't worth fighting for. And then in those moments when I was thinking those thoughts, god always populated my daughter's space in my mind.
Speaker 1:You got something to live for.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Every single time. Every single time, it was like oh, baby girl, I know you want to check out. I promise you, I've tried to check out, I've tried. I've tried to commit suicide before. I think I was 27 or 28. I took a whole bunch of pills. I had a long sleep, that's all it was. Wow, yep, it was a long sleep and I was like, oh okay, god, well, you ain't trying to, let me go, you're right, let me go on about my business you know Well, I commend you.
Speaker 1:I commend you for, first of all, being able to come to terms with what you've been through, what you have experienced, being able to recall those experiences that's not an easy thing to do To trace back our trauma, to trace back the source of our pain and the root of our issues. You talked a lot about the ways in which you responded to the trauma, but sometimes we forget why I'm acting like this. Where did it come from? This has a root right, and at a very early age you were exposed to so many different, what they call ACEs adverse childhood experiences, and so I can only applaud you for that. What you have been able to even confront and to deal with I mean God's grace and mercy has literally, literally, kept you. You're becoming everything that the enemy said you wouldn't be because of the trauma that he inflicted in your life, and your life is a testament to your daughter. Right To say with God, all things are possible. Like you said, the bad things happen. You know there are things that happen in life. You know some people don't bounce back from. Some people, you know, end up living through it through their whole life, their life.
Speaker 1:You spoke about your daughter's father and how he may still be, in some capacity, victim to the traumatic experiences. But god, right. But god, but the grace, but the mercy of god, the, the, the power of god that has showed up in your life and have allowed it, can literally carry you. Not only are you surviving, but you're learning how to thrive. I heard you speak about therapy. Right, we survived the day that you woke up after the very first traumatic event. You survived, but now we're learning how to thrive, and that speaks to the power of God, the testament of God. I'm so very, very proud, very proud, to hear you speak in a way that you are, and to be transparent and to be open. When I see those tears and when I hear you, you know, allow those things to come up. I know that God is at work. I know that God is at work and I'm so grateful and thankful for you being able to be, you know, open and honest. Your story is going to help somebody.
Speaker 2:I want to help somebody, because I know there's somebody out there, if not several young women, women, young men who have experienced so much horrible trauma in their life that they feel that there is no one that they could turn to, that would listen, understand and be compassionate. And it's hard to be vulnerable when you felt like the world has tried to dim your light and crush you. It's hard. It's hard to open up and trust somebody with your most intimate secrets without people using it against you. Like really, so that happens to a lot of people.
Speaker 2:You tell a family member, you tell a friend the trauma you went through. Oh, I don't believe you went through that. I can't believe that happened to you. I personally wouldn't do that to you. And it's just like right now. I don't know if a lot of people know the suicide rate is high in teenagers. The suicide rate is the highest it's ever been in children, babies. Not one baby should be sitting there thinking about killing themselves that's right Due to trauma or being bullied, and we as people in society don't even step in and stop it. Like babies are killing themselves and this is all due to nobody's listening.
Speaker 1:And this is why platforms like this are very important. It's important for us to use our voices to speak against these types of injustices, to speak against the things that we have been silenced and to keep it in secret, um, so that people feel like they have a right to to tell how they feel and to be heard, and for something to be done about it. Um, and there's a scripture in the bible that talks about this god visiting the sins of the forefathers, and I feel like what we don't address in our generation ultimately is just passed down to the next generation and to the point where it's even that more intensified, that they can't handle it, that they are, like you said, unaliving themselves, that they are doing things to harm themselves or finding themselves in addiction or relationships, and that's why we have to do this work, that's why we have to tell our stories, we have to be open, we have to be transparent and tell people that, first of all, it wasn't your fault and it's okay for you to confront it, to confess it, to deal with it and know that healing is possible. Healing is possible, right, right, uh, what happened to you at any point in your life, whether it's the early days, the middle part of your life. It doesn't have to be for the rest of your life, right?
Speaker 1:And so I'm, I'm, I'm going to continue to do this work with, with voices like yours, and I want to have you back on the show as well to talk about it in in depth, because you know we only have an hour but, but still there's so much that can be covered, so much that we can go into um in, even generationally, like, like, how our traumas affect our children, right, different things. And so mother's day is coming up, and I think I want to have you come back, you know, and just share, talk about that as well. But listen, uh, the last question I had you already asked pretty much answered. I was going to say how do you feel like your faith has played a part in your healing recovery?
Speaker 2:god has given me so much grace and favor, and so much grace and favor that god has showed me even when I felt alone, abandoned, abandoned, isolated. God has always given me light. And when I say by light, no matter what I've been through, I've never let it turn my heart cold. I've never let it be mean hurtful to anybody else. Anytime I look at somebody like I got a young lady right now she's 24.
Speaker 2:Unstable home, she feels isolated. She's doing destructive things and I'm like, I'm telling her like look, I've been down this road, baby, you're not alone, you are surrounded by love, and that's the light I'm talking about. That's the light God gives us. Turn your pain around, turn your hurt around, turn your trauma around. Turn your hurt around, turn your trauma around, right everything you've been through. Go love on somebody who is going through it right now and help them through that process. That's true, like god's light is love and love is light. So if you are dispersing both, I'm channeling my love and my light inward and outward. I don't care what the devil throws at me, because the devil been throwing stuff at me all week. What keeps me here with God is I know. I know that I'm kept. I know that I have favor. I know that I'm covered. I know God is protecting me. That is my favor, because he done protected me through a lot. I done been shot. I've been through domestic violence.
Speaker 1:I want to tell you Half the story hasn't even been told. We're going to have to do a part two because apparently half the story hasn't even been told.
Speaker 2:We need to spread the service. Yes, so when I tell you God, man, I mean, look, let me tell you something. For people who are out there upset with God, it's okay. It's okay to be upset, let it out. Tell God why you upset. Lord, I'm upset because this is happening and I expect you to be here and think about it. Tell God. Tell God exactly how you feel, how you felt upset, how you hurt everything, because God understands, he already knows before you tell Him. He just wants you to come and tell Him so he can be there to help you. Hey, baby, now put your hands in mine and let me walk on with you through your journey in the light.
Speaker 1:Amen. That was amazing, that was beautifully said and that is the invitation that God extends to all of us, no matter where we've come from, no matter what we've gone through. He extends that invitation Put your hand in mine, let me lead you, let me guide you, let me help you triumph over this trauma. Wow, so beautifully said, such a wonderful guest that you have been today. I'm so again, so grateful and thankful for your story, for your energy, for all that you brought today and just your transparency, so appreciate it.
Speaker 2:I just want to say thank you for giving me the platform to tell my story, and I pray that it helps whatever individual out there that needs it. Amen.
Speaker 1:All right, tracy, good to see you and talk to you soon. You too, miss Eve, you have a good one, you too. Thank you, bye-bye, bye-bye. Wow, guys, I don't know about you, but Tracy's story definitely resonated with me on so many different levels. I'm so appreciative to her for her transparency, for her openness. We laughed, we cried, we prayed. We give God glory for the resiliency of his power, of his grace, of his mercy, of his ability to heal and to transform lives. Regardless of what we've been through, god is able Listen.
Speaker 1:I'd like to take this moment to acknowledge the fact that some of which we spoke about today may be triggering to some, especially those who've had similar experiences. For that reason, I invite you to take advantage of the information that is listed in these episodes show notes. There are links to mental health therapists. There are books, literature and other resources that will help us identify, navigate and recover from traumatic experiences. Lastly, perhaps you'd like to be a guest on the show. Maybe you have a question to ask or a story to tell, or maybe you would just like prayer for what you're navigating in this season of your life. Feel free to connect with me on any of my socials. I am Miss Eve on TikTok, instagram and Facebook Listen, I look forward to hearing from you, but until then, remember now thanks be unto God, who always causes us to triumph. That is our podcast's foundational scripture, and one that I hold dear to my heart. I'll talk to you soon, god bless, thank you.