Coercive Control in Family Law: What You’re Really Seeing in Your Clients

When a client walks into your office and seems confused, overwhelmed, or unable to make decisions, it’s easy to see the behaviour and miss what’s underneath it.

In many family law cases, what looks like indecision or emotional instability is actually the result of coercive control.

In this episode, I unpack what coercive control really is, how it presents in your clients, and why understanding it will completely change the way you work with certain divorce cases.

Because this isn’t just about legal process.

It’s about recognising the psychological impact your client is carrying.

IN THIS EPISODE, I COVER:

• What coercive control in relationships actually looks like 
• Why coercive control is often missed in family law cases 
• How coercive control impacts decision-making and behaviour 
• Why your client may seem emotional, inconsistent, or “difficult” 
• The link between coercive control and divorce complexity 
• How some ex-partners use control through legal processes 
• Why clients struggle with clarity, confidence, and communication 
• What not to do when working with clients affected by coercive control 
• What actually helps clients feel safe enough to make decisions 
• How understanding coercive control makes your job easier as a family lawyer 

WHO THIS EPISODE IS FOR

This episode is for:

• Family lawyers working with complex divorce cases 
• Solicitors supporting clients in high-conflict separations 
• Legal professionals noticing clients who struggle to decide or communicate 
• Anyone working with women leaving emotionally abusive or controlling relationships 

ABOUT LORENE

I’m Lorene Roberts, Holistic Counsellor, Root-Cause Therapist, and Pattern Disrupter.

I work with women, mostly 50+, who are navigating divorce, separation, and the aftermath of coercive and controlling relationships.

My work focuses on helping them rebuild their confidence, reconnect with their voice, and make clear, grounded decisions about their future.

WORK WITH ME

If you’re a family lawyer working with clients affected by coercive control and want support alongside the legal process, I’d love to connect.

When your client is emotionally supported:

• They communicate more clearly 
• They make decisions more confidently 
• They engage more effectively in the process 

Which makes your job easier too.

You can explore resources or connect with me here:
 https://loreneroberts.com/professional-resources

Or book a conversation:
 https://explore.loreneroberts.com/widget/booking/mHre9grjzViUyTHYHhyy

Website: https://loreneroberts.com

Learn More about Lorene:
https://loreneroberts.com/about 


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Transcript

Coercive Control in Family Law: 

What You’re Really Seeing in Your Clients

EPISODE STRUCTURE

1. Opening + Hook, 
2. Why This Matters for Solicitors,  
3. What Coercive Control Actually Is,  
4. What You’re Seeing in Your Clients, 
5. Why They Present This Way, 
6. What Not to Do, 
7. What Actually Helps,
8. Closing + Referral Invitation,

FULL PODCAST SCRIPT

Welcome to the podcast, I’m Lorene Roberts a holistic counsellor and divorce Recovery Specialist based in Melbourne Australia and I work specifically with women 50+ who are navigating divorce, separation or the aftermath of a coercive control or narcissistic relationship and today our podcast is titled : 

Coercive Control in Family Law: What You’re Really Seeing in Your Clients

1. OPENING + HOOK (3 mins)

Today I want to talk to you about something that is quietly sitting underneath many of the cases you are working with.

But it often isn’t being named.

Coercive control.

And more importantly… I want to talk about 

How it shows up in your clients.

Because what I see, time and time again, is this.

A woman walks into a solicitor’s office.

She’s finally left, or she’s trying to leave.

Or maybe she is on her 3rd family lawyer and you have to pick up the pieces from what others have done before you. 

And on the surface, it looks like progress.

But when you sit with her…

She doesn’t look clear.

She doesn’t look confident.

She doesn’t look like someone who is ready to move forward in a clean, logical way.

Instead, she looks:

Confused.
 Overwhelmed.
 Uncertain.

She might struggle to answer direct questions.

She might change her mind mid-conversation.

She might agree to something…

And then come back the next day and want to undo it.

Or she might make rash decisions that to you aren’t logical. 

She might delay responding.

Avoid emails.

Or become emotional at what seems like the “wrong” moment.

And from a professional point of view…

That can be incredibly frustrating.

Because you’re there to do a job and she isn’t helping.

You’re there to move things forward.

You’re working within timelines, processes, expectations.

And instead…

You’ve got a client who can’t seem to land on a decision.

Who needs constant reassurance.

Who still doesn’t feel settled even after you’ve explained things clearly.

And this is the point where something really important often happens.

She gets labelled.

Difficult.

Emotional.

Indecisive.

Hard to work with.

But what if that behaviour isn’t the problem?

What if it’s actually the evidence of something much deeper?

Because when you understand coercive control…

Everything you’re seeing starts to make sense.

The indecision isn’t indecision.

The inconsistency isn’t carelessness.

The emotional reactions aren’t overreactions.

They are the result of long-term psychological conditioning.

I know this not just from the work I do…

But because I’ve lived it.

I understand what it’s like to sit in that space where you don’t trust your own thinking.

Where even simple decisions feel overwhelming.

Where your body reacts before your mind has time to catch up.

And now, I work with women, mostly over 50, who are leaving these kinds of relationships.

Women who have spent years, sometimes decades, in environments where their voice was slowly eroded.

Where their confidence was questioned.

Where their reality was rewritten.

So by the time they sit in front of you…

They’re not just dealing with a legal process.

They’re trying to make sense of thing and rebuild their sense of self.

And if you don’t understand that piece…

Nothing about their behaviour will make sense.

But once you do…

You start to see something very different.

You stop asking,

“Why can’t she just decide?”

And you start asking,

“What has she been through that makes this so hard?”

And that shift alone…

Changes everything.

Because this isn’t just about legal outcomes.

It’s about understanding the person sitting in front of you.

So today, I want to walk you through what coercive control really is.

What it looks like in your clients.

Why they present the way they do.

And what actually helps them move forward.

Because when you understand this…

Your work becomes clearer.

Your clients become easier to support.

And the entire process becomes more effective.

2. WHY THIS MATTERS FOR SOLICITORS 

Let’s start with this.

This is not a “normal” divorce.

And I want to say that clearly.

Because if you treat it like a standard separation…

You will feel frustrated.

And your client will feel unsupported.

In a typical separation, both parties may not agree…

But there is usually some level of shared reality.

There is some willingness, at some point, to resolve.

To negotiate.

To move forward.

But in coercive control dynamics…

That is not what is driving the situation.

The goal is not resolution.

The goal is control.

And in many cases…

It goes even further than that.

It becomes about destroying the other person.

Financially.
 Professionally.
 Socially.

It can look like:

Draining shared resources
 Withholding money
 Dragging out proceedings unnecessarily

Not because it makes sense legally…

But because it creates pressure.

It can look like attempts to damage credibility.

Questioning your client’s mental health.
 Rewriting history.
 Positioning them as unstable or unreliable.

Sometimes very subtly.

Sometimes very strategically.

And sometimes very convincingly.

It can show up socially as well.

Turning friends, family, or even community members against them.

Creating a narrative that your client is the problem.

So by the time she gets to you…

She’s not just dealing with a separation.

She’s dealing with the dismantling of her identity.

And here’s where this really matters for you.

Because you are trying to work in a logical, structured system.

With timelines.

Processes.

Expected behaviours.

But your client is not operating from a regulated, logical place.

She’s often in survival mode.

At the same time…

The other party may appear calm.

Rational.

Even cooperative on the surface.

Which can create a very confusing dynamic.

Because the person causing the harm…

Doesn’t always look like the problem.

And the person who has experienced the harm…

Doesn’t always present clearly.

So what can happen is this.

You find yourself thinking:

“Why is this so hard?”
 “Why won’t she just decide?”
 “Why does this keep going in circles?”

And at the same time…

You may be dealing with an opposing party who is:

Highly reactive behind the scenes
 But controlled in formal settings

Deliberately delaying
 Or escalating at key moments

Using the legal system itself
 As a tool of control

And this is where understanding coercive control becomes critical.

Because without that lens…

Nothing about this dynamic makes sense.

You might try to push for faster decisions.

You might expect your client to “just choose”.

You might assume both parties are engaging in the same way.

But they’re not.

One is trying to move forward.

The other is often trying to maintain power.

Or regain it.

And sometimes…

To punish.

And when that’s the underlying driver…

You will see:

Endless back and forth
 Agreements that don’t hold
 Last-minute changes
 Unnecessary complications

Not because the case is complex…

But because the dynamic is.

And this is the part that changes everything.

When you understand what is actually happening…

You stop taking the behaviour at face value.

You stop seeing your client as difficult.

And you start recognising…

She is trying to function after years of being conditioned not to trust herself.

You also start to see the other party differently.

Not just as someone who is being “uncooperative”…

But as someone who may be using control, pressure, and perception as strategy.

And when you can see both sides clearly…

You can respond more effectively.

You can manage expectations better.

You can support your client in a way that actually moves things forward.

Because here’s the truth.

When coercive control is present…

You are not just managing a legal case.

You are working within a psychological dynamic.

And if that dynamic isn’t understood…

It will continue to play out…

Inside your process.

3. WHAT COERCIVE CONTROL ACTUALLY IS (6 mins)

Let’s take a step back and really define what we’re talking about.

Because coercive control is often misunderstood.

We tend to associate abuse with physical violence.

Bruises.
 Injuries.
 Something visible.

But coercive control doesn’t usually look like that.

In fact, many women will say:

“He never hit me.”

And that becomes the benchmark they use to minimise what they experienced.

But coercive control is not about isolated incidents.

It’s about a pattern.

A system of behaviour designed to dominate, control, and destabilise another person over time.

And it often happens so gradually…

That the person experiencing it doesn’t even realise what’s happening at first.

It can start subtly.

A comment here.
 A criticism there.

Questioning their decisions.
 Correcting their version of events.

And over time…

That builds into something much bigger.

Let me explain how that can look in real life.

It can look like isolation.

Not always in an obvious way.

Sometimes it’s:

“We don’t need to see them.”
 “They don’t really care about you.”
 “They’re a bad influence.”

So contact with friends and family slowly reduces.

Support systems disappear.

And the person becomes more dependent on the relationship.

It can look like financial control.

Limiting access to money.
 Questioning every purchase.
 Requiring justification for spending.

Or controlling all financial decisions entirely.

So the person loses not just independence…

But choice.

It can look like emotional manipulation.

Telling them:

“You’re too sensitive.”
 “You’re overreacting.”
 “That never happened.”

This is where reality starts to shift.

Because if you’re constantly being told your experience is wrong…

You begin to question your own thinking.

This is where we see gaslighting come in.

And over time…

That erodes confidence at a very deep level.

It can also look like control disguised as care.

“I’m just trying to help you.”
 “I know what’s best for you.”
 “You wouldn’t cope without me.”

And this is where it gets confusing.

Because it doesn’t always feel abusive.

Sometimes it feels protective.

Or supportive.

But underneath that…

There is a consistent message.

“You can’t trust yourself.
 But you can trust me.”

And that message, repeated over years…

Changes a person.

Now here’s something really important to understand.

Coercive control is not about anger.

It’s not about losing control.

It’s actually about maintaining control.

Which is why…

It can be very calculated.

Very subtle.

And very consistent.

The person using coercive control often knows exactly what they’re doing.

They may present very well externally.

Charming.
 Reasonable.
 Even likeable.

Which makes it even harder to identify.

Because what happens behind closed doors…

Doesn’t match what others see.

Now let’s talk about the internal impact.

Because this is the part that shows up in your office.

Over time, the person experiencing this kind of control begins to lose:

Their sense of self
 Their confidence
 Their ability to make decisions

They stop trusting their instincts.

They second-guess everything.

They look outside themselves for validation.

And eventually…

They adapt.

They become more agreeable.

More cautious.

More focused on avoiding conflict.

Because that has been the safest way to survive.

So when they leave the relationship…

Or try to leave…

They don’t suddenly become clear and decisive.

They carry all of that conditioning with them.

And this is why you might see someone who:

Knows something wasn’t right
 But can’t clearly explain why

Feels unsafe
 But can’t point to a specific event

Wants to move forward
 But feels paralysed when making decisions

Because coercive control doesn’t just affect behaviour.

It reshapes identity.

Now I want to add one more layer here.

Because coercive control is also about power and perception.

It’s not just what happens in the relationship.

It’s how the narrative is managed outside of it.

The person using control may:

Position themselves as the reasonable one
 Frame your client as unstable
 Subtly undermine her credibility

So when she speaks up…

She’s already on the back foot.

And again, this creates confusion.

Because from the outside…

It may not be obvious who is telling the truth.

But from the inside…

Your client has been living in a reality where her voice has been diminished for years.

And this is why naming coercive control is so important.

Because once it is named…

The behaviours start to make sense.

The patterns become visible.

And your client can begin to separate:

Who she is
 From what she has been conditioned to believe.

And for you, as a solicitor…

This understanding gives context to everything you’re seeing.

It explains the confusion.

The hesitation.

The inconsistency.

Not as personality traits…

But as the result of long-term psychological pressure.

4. WHAT YOU’RE SEEING IN YOUR CLIENTS (10 mins)

Now let’s bring this into your world.

Because this is the part where everything we’ve just talked about becomes visible.

Not in theory.

But in the way your client sits in front of you.

The way she speaks.

The way she makes decisions.

Or can’t.

Because coercive control doesn’t stay in the relationship.

It walks straight into your office with her.

And if you don’t know what you’re looking at…

It can be misread very quickly.

So let me walk you through what you’re likely seeing.

Not as isolated behaviours.

But as patterns.

1. DIFFICULTY MAKING DECISIONS

This is one of the biggest ones.

You ask a simple question.

“What would you like to do?”

And instead of a clear answer…

You get hesitation.

Silence.

Or “I’m not sure.”

Even when the options are straightforward.

Even when you’ve explained everything clearly.

And what can happen is this starts to feel like resistance.

Or avoidance.

But it’s not.

This is what happens when someone has been conditioned not to trust their own thinking.

Every decision feels risky.

Because in the past…

Making the “wrong” decision had consequences.

Emotional backlash.
 Withdrawal.
 Punishment.

So now…

Her system is trying to keep her safe.

By not deciding at all.

Or by delaying.

Or by looking to you to decide for her.

2. CHANGING HER MIND

You finally get a decision.

It feels like progress.

And then…

She comes back.

And wants to change it.

Or undo it.

Or revisit the conversation again.

And this can feel like going backwards.

But again…

This is not inconsistency for the sake of it.

This is what it looks like when someone doesn’t feel safe in their own choices.

She may leave your office feeling certain.

But then she sits with it.

Overthinks it.

Questions it.

Or gets triggered by something from her ex.

And suddenly…

That decision doesn’t feel safe anymore.

So she pulls back.

3. CONSTANT REASSURANCE SEEKING

You explain something clearly.

You answer the question.

You give professional advice.

And she nods.

But then…

She asks again.

In a slightly different way.

Or comes back the next day with the same concern.

And you might think,

“I’ve already answered this.”

But what she’s actually asking is not just about the information.

She’s asking,

“Is it safe for me to trust this?”

Because her internal trust has been eroded.

So she looks outside herself.

To you.

Repeatedly.

4. OVERWHELM WITH SIMPLE PROCESSES

Things that would normally be manageable…

Feel too much.

Paperwork.
 Emails.
 Timelines.

Even reading communication from the other side.

And you might see avoidance.

Delays.

Missed responses.

Not because she doesn’t care.

But because her nervous system is overloaded.

What looks simple to you…

Feels threatening to her.

Especially if it involves interaction with her ex.

5. TRIGGERED BY COMMUNICATION

An email comes in.

A message.

A legal letter.

And suddenly…

Everything shifts.

She becomes emotional.

Panicked.

Reactive.

Or completely shut down.

And from the outside…

It can seem like an overreaction to a piece of communication.

But that message doesn’t land in isolation.

It lands on top of years of history.

Tone.

Language.

Patterns.

So what you’re seeing is not just a response to the email.

It’s a response to everything that email represents.

6. SECOND-GUESSING EVERYTHING

Even after decisions are made.

Even after advice is given.

She questions it.

Revisits it.

Doubts it.

You might hear:

“What if I’m wrong?”
 “What if this backfires?”
 “What if he reacts badly?”

And this loops.

Over and over.

Because she has been trained to anticipate negative outcomes.

To expect backlash.

So her mind is constantly scanning for risk.

7. AGREEING, THEN PANICKING

This is a really important one.

She may agree to something in the moment.

It seems settled.

And then later…

She panics.

Wants to change it.

Feels like she’s made a mistake.

And again, this can look like instability.

But often what’s happening is this.

In the moment, she defaults to agreement.

Because that was the safest strategy in the relationship.

Agree.

Keep the peace.

Avoid conflict.

But once she’s out of that moment…

Her real feelings come up.

And they don’t match what she agreed to.

So now she’s torn.

8. AWARE SOMETHING IS WRONG, BUT CAN’T EXPLAIN IT

This is one of the most misunderstood presentations.

She knows something wasn’t right.

She knows the relationship was harmful.

But when you ask for specifics…

She struggles.

She might say:

“I can’t explain it.”
 “It just didn’t feel right.”
 “I felt like I was losing myself.”

And because there are no clear, concrete examples…

Her experience can be minimised.

Or questioned.

But coercive control is not always made up of obvious incidents.

It’s cumulative.

Subtle.

Layered.

Which makes it very hard to articulate.

9. LOOKING TO YOU FOR DIRECTION

You may find that your client wants you to tell her what to do.

Not just advise.

But decide.

And if you don’t…

She feels lost.

Or stuck.

Because she hasn’t yet rebuilt that internal decision-making ability.

So she leans on external authority.

And in this space…

That becomes you.

10. SHUTTING DOWN OR WITHDRAWING

At times…

She may disengage.

Not respond.

Miss appointments.

Delay moving things forward.

And this can be interpreted as lack of commitment.

But often…

It’s a sign of overwhelm.

Or fear.

Or emotional exhaustion.

Because this process is not just practical for her.

It’s deeply triggering.

BRINGING THIS TOGETHER

So when you look at all of this together…

It can look like:

A client who is inconsistent
 Emotional
 Indecisive
 Hard to manage

But when you understand coercive control…

You see something very different.

You see someone who has:

Lost trust in herself
 Been conditioned to doubt her reality
 Learned to survive by staying small and careful

And is now being asked…

To make clear, confident decisions in a high-pressure environment.

That is a huge gap.

And this is why recognising these patterns matters.

Because when you can see them for what they are…

You stop reacting to the behaviour.

And you start responding to the person underneath it.

And that shift…

Is where things begin to change.

5. WHY THEY PRESENT THIS WAY (7 mins)

Let’s now look at what’s actually going on underneath all of this.

Because once you understand this part…

Everything you’ve been seeing starts to make sense.

And more importantly…

It stops feeling personal.

It stops feeling frustrating.

And it starts to feel understandable.

THIS IS NOT PERSONALITY, THIS IS CONDITIONING

What you are seeing is not who your client is.

It’s who she had to become to survive.

Coercive control is not just something that happens to someone.

It reshapes how they think.

How they feel.

How they respond.

Over time…

Your client has been trained, often very subtly, in how to behave.

Not through obvious instruction.

But through consequence.

If she spoke up…

There may have been conflict.

Withdrawal.

Punishment.

If she disagreed…

There may have been criticism.

Dismissal.

Or escalation.

So she learns.

Stay quiet.
 Agree.
 Avoid.

Not because she’s weak.

But because it kept things stable.

And over time…

That becomes automatic.

LOSS OF INTERNAL TRUST

One of the biggest impacts of coercive control is this.

She no longer trusts herself.

Not her thoughts.
 Not her feelings.
 Not her decisions.

Because for years…

Those things were questioned.

Dismissed.

Or rewritten.

If you are constantly told:

“That’s not what happened.”
 “You’re imagining things.”
 “You always get it wrong.”

Eventually…

You stop relying on your own internal compass.

And you start looking outside yourself instead.

So when she sits with you and you ask,

“What do you want?”

It’s not a simple question.

Because the part of her that used to know that answer…

Has been overridden for a long time.

NERVOUS SYSTEM IN SURVIVAL MODE

Now let’s talk about the body.

Because this isn’t just psychological.

It’s physiological.

When someone has lived in a controlling environment…

Their nervous system adapts.

They become hyper-aware.

Alert.

Scanning for threat.

Even when there is no immediate danger.

So when something happens in your process…

An email.

A request.

A decision point.

Her body reacts first.

Before logic.

Before reasoning.

That’s why you see:

Panic
 Overwhelm
 Avoidance
 Shutdown

This is not a conscious choice.

This is a survival response.

And until that settles…

Clear thinking is very difficult.

FEAR OF CONSEQUENCES

Another key driver is this.

She is not just making decisions based on what is logical.

She is making decisions based on what feels safe.

And those are not always the same thing.

Because in her past experience…

Decisions had consequences.

If she chose something her partner didn’t like…

There may have been backlash.

Conflict.

Emotional punishment.

So now…

Every decision carries a level of fear.

“What will happen if I choose this?”
 “How will he react?”
 “Will this make things worse?”

Even if that reaction is no longer immediate…

Her system still expects it.

So she hesitates.

Or avoids.

Or changes direction.

IDENTITY EROSION

Over time, coercive control doesn’t just affect behaviour.

It affects identity.

Your client may have spent years being told:

Who she is
 What she’s capable of
 What she’s worth

And slowly…

She starts to shrink.

She becomes less expressive.

Less certain.

Less visible.

So when she leaves…

She doesn’t suddenly step into confidence.

She often feels lost.

Disconnected.

Unsure of who she is without that dynamic.

So when you’re asking her to make decisions about her future…

She’s doing that without a strong sense of self to guide her.

COGNITIVE OVERLOAD

Now add the legal process on top of all of that.

Information.

Options.

Timelines.

Documents.

Communication.

For someone who is already overwhelmed internally…

This becomes too much.

So instead of processing it clearly…

She may:

Delay
 Avoid
 Shut down
 Or rely heavily on you

Not because she isn’t capable.

But because her capacity is reduced in that state.

TRAUMA BONDING AND MIXED EMOTIONS

This is another piece that can be confusing.

She may still feel connected to her ex.

Even if the relationship was harmful.

Even if she knows she needs to leave.

And that can show up as:

Doubt
 Guilt
 Second-guessing

Or even moments of wanting to go back.

And from the outside…

That can seem irrational.

But inside the dynamic…

There were often cycles.

Periods of tension.

Followed by relief.

Or connection.

And that creates a strong emotional bond.

So she is not just leaving a person.

She is untangling a complex emotional attachment.

WHY LOGIC ALONE DOESN’T WORK

This is where a lot of frustration can come in.

Because from your perspective…

You are presenting clear, logical options.

This is the outcome.

This is the process.

This is the next step.

But logic only works…

When someone feels safe.

And regulated.

If your client is in a heightened emotional state…

Or feeling overwhelmed…

Logic doesn’t land.

It doesn’t stick.

It doesn’t translate into action.

So you may feel like you’re repeating yourself.

But the issue isn’t the explanation.

It’s the state she is in when she receives it.

BRINGING THIS TOGETHER

So when you put all of this together…

What you are seeing is a person who:

Has been conditioned to doubt herself
 Is operating from a dysregulated nervous system
 Is anticipating consequences
 Is rebuilding her identity
 Is overwhelmed by the process

And is being asked…

To think clearly.

Decide quickly.

And move forward confidently.

That is a big ask.

And this is why understanding this matters so much.

Because when you see the mechanism…

You stop trying to fix the behaviour.

And you start supporting the person.

And when the person begins to feel safer…

Clearer…

More grounded…

That’s when the behaviour starts to shift.

6. WHAT NOT TO DO (4 mins)

This next part is really important.

Because most of what I’m about to say…

Comes from good intentions.

Solicitors want to help.

You want clarity.

Efficiency.

Progress.

But when coercive control is part of the dynamic…

Some of the usual approaches can actually make things harder.

Not because they’re wrong.

But because they don’t match what your client needs in that moment.

DON’T RUSH DECISIONS

There is often pressure in legal processes to move quickly.

Timelines.

Deadlines.

Responses.

And that makes sense.

But when your client is already overwhelmed…

Rushing decisions doesn’t create clarity.

It creates more anxiety.

If she feels pushed…

She is more likely to:

Shut down
 Agree just to get through the moment
 Or make a decision she later pulls back from

And then you’re back where you started.

It might feel slower to give her space…

But in reality, it often leads to more stable decisions.

DON’T EXPECT IMMEDIATE CLARITY

You may be used to asking direct questions.

And getting direct answers.

But in this situation…

Clarity is something that needs to be rebuilt.

Not demanded.

So when you ask,

“What do you want to do?”

And she doesn’t know…

That’s not avoidance.

That’s honest.

If you expect immediate certainty…

You may unintentionally create pressure.

And pressure leads to confusion.

Not clarity.

DON’T LABEL THE CLIENT

This is one of the biggest ones.

Even if it’s only in your own mind.

“Difficult.”
 “Emotional.”
 “Indecisive.”

Because once that label is there…

It shapes how you respond.

You may become shorter.

More directive.

Less patient.

And your client will feel that.

Even if nothing is said directly.

And when she feels judged or misunderstood…

She withdraws further.

So instead of asking,

“Why is she like this?”

Shift it to,

“What has she been through that makes this make sense?”

DON’T OVERLOAD WITH INFORMATION

You are working in a complex system.

There is a lot to explain.

A lot to consider.

But when someone is already overwhelmed…

Too much information doesn’t help.

It shuts things down.

You might see:

Blank looks
 Nodding without real understanding
 Or complete disengagement

Because her system can’t process it all at once.

So instead of giving everything…

Give what is needed for the next step.

Keep it simple.

Clear.

And manageable.

DON’T DISMISS EMOTIONAL RESPONSES

There can be a tendency to separate emotion from process.

To stay focused on facts.

Outcomes.

What needs to happen next.

But if your client becomes emotional…

That’s not a distraction.

That’s information.

It tells you she is overwhelmed.

Triggered.

Or feeling unsafe.

If that is ignored…

She won’t suddenly regulate and continue.

She will either escalate emotionally…

Or shut down completely.

Acknowledging emotion doesn’t slow things down.

It often helps things move forward.

DON’T EXPECT “NORMAL” BEHAVIOUR

This is not a standard client presentation.

So expecting standard responses…

Will lead to frustration.

You may expect:

Clear communication
 Consistent decisions
 Logical progression

But coercive control disrupts all of that.

So when those expectations aren’t met…

It’s not because your client is unwilling.

It’s because she is not yet able.

And that’s an important distinction.

DON’T TAKE THE OTHER PARTY AT FACE VALUE

This is a subtle but critical point.

Because often…

The other party presents very well.

They may appear:

Calm
 Organised
 Reasonable

Especially in formal settings.

While your client appears:

Emotional
 Uncertain
 Inconsistent

And if you don’t understand coercive control…

It can look like the roles are reversed.

But what you’re seeing externally…

Is not always an accurate reflection of what has been happening.

So it’s important to stay aware of that dynamic.

And not rely solely on presentation.

DON’T PUSH LOGIC OVER SAFETY

This is where a lot of disconnect can happen.

You are working from logic.

Process.

Outcome.

But your client is responding from safety.

Or lack of it.

So if you keep pushing logic…

Without addressing that underlying state…

It won’t land.

You may explain something perfectly.

But if she doesn’t feel safe…

She won’t be able to act on it.

Safety comes first.

Clarity comes after.

BRINGING THIS TOGETHER

So when we look at all of this…

What doesn’t help is:

Rushing
 Labelling
 Overloading
 Dismissing
 Expecting normal behaviour

And again, none of this comes from a bad place.

It comes from trying to do your job well.

But when you’re working with someone who has experienced coercive control…

The approach needs to shift slightly.

From:

“Let’s move this forward quickly”

To:

“Let’s move this forward in a way that actually works for this client”

Because when the approach matches the person…

Everything starts to flow more easily.

7. WHAT ACTUALLY HELPS (4 mins)

So now let’s look at what does help.

Because when you understand this dynamic…

You don’t need to completely change how you work.

You just need to adjust how you support this type of client.

And often…

Small shifts make a very big difference.

KEEP THINGS SIMPLE AND CLEAR

When someone is overwhelmed…

Clarity becomes everything.

Not more information.

Not more options.

Just clear, simple direction.

Instead of giving multiple pathways…

Focus on the next step.

Not the whole process.

You might say:

“Right now, we just need to decide this one thing.”

Or

“Let’s focus on this part first, we don’t need to solve everything today.”

This reduces pressure.

And when pressure reduces…

Thinking improves.

BREAK DECISIONS INTO SMALL STEPS

Big decisions feel unsafe.

They carry too much weight.

So the more you can break things down…

The more manageable it becomes.

Instead of:

“What do you want to do overall?”

Try:

“Let’s look at option A and option B, and just explore how each one feels.”

Or even:

“What feels like the safest next step for you right now?”

You’re not forcing clarity.

You’re helping her build it.

GIVE TIME, WITHOUT DISENGAGING

Time is important.

But so is structure.

If you give too much space…

She may avoid completely.

If you give too little…

She may feel pressured.

So it’s about balance.

You can say:

“Take a couple of days to sit with this, and we’ll revisit it on Thursday.”

That gives her:

Permission to pause
 A clear timeframe
 And a sense of containment

Which helps her stay engaged.

NORMALISE HER EXPERIENCE

One of the most powerful things you can do…

Is help her feel that what she’s experiencing makes sense.

Because many women in this situation feel:

Confused
 Embarrassed
 Ashamed

They often think,

“Why can’t I just deal with this?”

So when you say something like:

“What you’re experiencing is actually very common after this type of relationship.”

You remove that layer of self-judgement.

And when that drops…

She can think more clearly.

CREATE A SENSE OF SAFETY IN THE PROCESS

Safety is not just physical.

It’s emotional.

It’s relational.

It’s how she feels in the interaction with you.

Consistency helps.

Calm communication helps.

Predictability helps.

Even small things like:

Explaining what will happen next
 Letting her know what to expect
 Following through on what you say

All of this builds trust.

And when trust builds…

She begins to settle.

CHECK FOR UNDERSTANDING, NOT JUST AGREEMENT

This is a subtle shift.

But a very important one.

Because she may say “yes”…

Without fully processing.

Or without actually feeling comfortable.

So instead of just moving forward…

Pause and check.

You might ask:

“How does that feel to you?”
 “Does that sit okay, or do you have concerns?”

This gives her permission to speak.

Instead of defaulting to agreement.

HELP HER RECONNECT WITH HER OWN VOICE

Over time, your client needs to rebuild her ability to make decisions.

So instead of stepping in and deciding for her…

Gently guide her back to herself.

You might say:

“What is your instinct here?”
 “Which option feels more right for you?”

Even if she struggles at first…

You are helping rebuild that internal connection.

And that is what will support her long-term.

STAY STEADY WHEN SHE CAN’T

There will be moments where she feels overwhelmed.

Emotional.

Unsure.

In those moments…

Your steadiness matters.

Not reacting.

Not becoming frustrated.

Just staying calm.

Grounded.

Clear.

Because she will often take her cue from you.

If you remain steady…

She begins to settle more quickly.

UNDERSTAND THAT PROGRESS MAY NOT LOOK LINEAR

This is important.

Because progress here…

Doesn’t always look like forward movement.

It can look like:

Two steps forward
 One step back

A decision made
 Then revisited

Engagement
 Then withdrawal

That doesn’t mean things aren’t working.

It means she is processing.

And rebuilding.

So patience here…

Actually creates momentum.

KNOW WHEN EXTRA SUPPORT IS NEEDED

There will be times where legal support alone is not enough.

And this is where having the right external support…

Makes a significant difference.

When your client is emotionally supported:

She regulates faster
 She communicates more clearly
 She makes decisions more confidently

Which supports your process as well.

Because this isn’t just a legal journey for her.

It’s a psychological one.

BRINGING THIS TOGETHER

So what actually helps is not complicated.

It’s:

Simplicity
 Clarity
 Patience
 Consistency
 Understanding

It’s meeting your client where she is…

Not where you expect her to be.

And when you do that…

Something shifts.

She feels safer.

She feels understood.

She starts to think more clearly.

And that’s when decisions become easier.

Communication improves.

And the process begins to move forward…

In a much more stable way.

8. CLOSING + REFERRAL INVITATION (1–2 mins)

So let’s bring this together.

What we’ve talked about today is not just a different type of client.

It’s a completely different dynamic.

Because when coercive control is present…

You are not just working with a legal situation.

You are working with the aftermath of long-term psychological conditioning.

You’re working with a woman who has spent years being shaped by someone else’s control.

Years of questioning herself.
 Second-guessing her reality.
 Adapting her behaviour to stay safe.

So when she sits in front of you…

She’s not just trying to navigate a legal process.

She’s trying to find her footing again.

And that takes time.

It takes understanding.

And it takes the right kind of support.

Because when that support is there…

Everything changes.

She starts to feel safer.

She starts to trust herself again.

She communicates more clearly.

She makes decisions with more certainty.

And suddenly…

The process that once felt stuck…

Starts to move.

Not because you pushed harder.

But because she is more able to engage.

And that makes your job easier.

Your communication clearer.

And your outcomes stronger.

So if there’s one thing I want you to take away from today, it’s this.

If your client seems difficult…

Pause.

And ask yourself:

“What might she have experienced that makes this make sense?”

Because that question alone…

Will change how you see her.

And how you support her.

And that shift…

Is where real progress begins.

If this resonates with what you’re seeing in your clients…

I’d love to support you further.

I’ve created resources specifically for professionals working with women leaving coercive and controlling relationships.

And I also work directly with clients alongside the legal process…

Helping them regulate, rebuild confidence, and make clear decisions.

So they can show up in your process…

More grounded.

More certain.

And easier to work with.

Because when we support both sides of this journey…

Legal and emotional…

That’s when we get the best outcomes.

For you.

And for your client.

Remember: Your future is created by what you do today.

And sometimes…

The smallest shift in understanding…

Creates the biggest change in results.