Edge of Grief: A Therapist's Journey Through Loss

Dr. Phil Bulone shares his remarkable journey from interior designer to licensed mental health counselor and art therapist, catalyzed by personal tragedy when his partner died by suicide on Christmas Eve 2019.

Phil Bulone

• Tel: +1 813-601-1688
• Website: https://www.philblmhc.com/
• Email: pbulone3@gmail.com
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/phil-bulone-phd-lmhc-atr-bc-8b860b7/

• Licensed mental health counselor and board-certified art therapist working primarily with suicide bereaved
• Currently serves as director of the LOSS team (Local Outreach to Suicide Survivors) with Mental Health America
• Describes having "nine lives" - from psychology degree to interior design to higher education dean to mental health professional
• Started classes in art therapy just 15 days after his partner's suicide, confirming his calling to mental health
• Discussion of the Travis Decker case and responsibility in mental health systems
• Exploration of how personal tragedy can redirect purpose and career paths
• Art therapy as a holistic approach addressing mind, body, and emotions
• Favorite quote: "Be the change you wish to see in the world" - once his late partner's favorite saying

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Friends from Wild Places
• 5:13 Shireen's Bookkeeping Services Spotlight
• 10:12 Discussion of Travis Decker Case
• 15:16 Mental Health System Complexities
• 18:24 Dr. Phil's Remarkable Career Journey
• 25:24 Personal Loss and Career Transformation

Transcript

Voiceover: 0:03

Tales from the wild, stories from the heart. A journey into the mind and soul of fired up business professionals, where they share their vision for the future and hear from a different non-profit organization every month as they create awareness of their goals and their needs. Dive into a world of untamed passion as we join our host, Shireen Botha, for this month's episode of Friends from Wild Places.

Shireen Botha: 0:35

All right, welcome. Welcome, shireen, here. I am your virtual boutique bookkeeper and QuickBooks advisor. Are you running a service-based business? Imagine having more time to focus on what you love while boosting your profits. Let Shireen's bookkeeping services be your trusted partner. Outsourcing your bookkeeping isn't just a cost. It's an investment that pays off. With our monthly meetings, we create visibility into your finances, ensuring you're always in control. Plus, our consistent client communication builds credibility, making your business shine. Looking for business owners with bookkeeping issues To have a free consultation with me? That's right. A free consultation with me. Unlock your business's potential with Shireen's bookkeeping issues. To have a free consultation with me? That's right. A free consultation with me. Unlock your business's potential with Shireen's Bookkeeping Services. If you want to know more, go check me out at www. shireensbookkeeping. com and allow me to keep your books clean so you don't have to Welcome back. You are listening to Friends from Wild Places with myself, shireen, your host, and with my beautiful co-host, tanya. Hi Tanya, how are you doing?

Tanya Scotece: 1:53

Hello Shireen. Wow, it's been quite the summer so far here outside Miami Super hot weather, super fun things going on. Just yeah, it's amazing and I'm super, super excited for our amazing guests this morning. So we have Dr Phil Bulone joining us and I've known Dr Phil for I don't know Dr Phil, how many years now Quite, maybe 20?

Phil Bulone: 2:23

Yeah, we're going on like well, we're 15.

Tanya Scotece: 2:25

15 years, long time, long time. So super excited for our guest. How are things for you, shireen, in South Africa? How's the weather? I know it's winter for you there, correct? You're opposite of us.

Shireen Botha: 2:37

Yeah, in this area that I'm in is actually having a colder winter than usual, actually having a colder winter than usual, so, but not a proper winter. See, for me, I love winter. It's my favorite time of the year um October. November is my favorite time in the US but simply just because of the chill, the fireplaces, the warmth, the comfy cozies, the blankets and all that and this is not something that you haven't heard from me before but this area the weather doesn't get too cold, but it definitely the temperature is lower, which I'm always excited about. So so far we've it's not the rainy season here, so, but we had quite a bit of a storm last night, which was quite unusual. But, tanya, won't you mind telling the listeners a little bit about our extra content? Uh, for these robbers yeah, sure.

Tanya Scotece: 3:35

So at friends from wild places podcast, we are streamlined on all different platforms and we have monthly guests that we highlight their work, what their mission is and vision. In addition to that, for $5 a month, you can actually get raw, unedited kind of dive, deeping into subjects that maybe we don't want to just air publicly. So if there's any topic that you are interested, want to hear more, anything, it could be imposter syndrome, anxiety, anything to do with not feeling good enough, not feeling strong enough, not feeling smart enough that's what we're here to dive into, these deep subjects. So for our subscription paid subscription, $5 a month, and we'll be happy to have you on board. And if you haven't shared your podcast with your friends, please do so. We are looking to increase our subscriber list, so be happy for more subscribers. Back to you.

Shireen Botha: 4:33

Cherie. Yes, thank you Tanya. Yeah, it's only $5. And really the subscription is just the support. We need your support to continue doing this. We really appreciate you listening. This is just a step a little bit further and we are looking at sponsorship. So we are doing our best from our side to do what we enjoy doing and that's to put this content out for all of our business owners and entrepreneurs out there. If you're looking for more content, last month we were chatting to a lady named Angeline, so she's a consultant. So if you want to go and check that out, please go ahead and look for that. But yes, let's get into it. So I'd love to introduce a little bit more formally and officially. Phil is a licensed mental health counselor and board-certified art therapist and works primarily with the suicide bereaved. He works in community mental health as the director of the LOSS team, which means Local Outreach to Suicide Survivors with Mental Health America of Southwest Southeast Florida. So, phil, welcome. It's so good to have you on the show with us.

Phil Bulone: 5:55

Thank you. Thank you so much Good to be here.

Shireen Botha: 5:57

Yeah, so I'm sure I've mentioned this to you, but I know our listeners know this about myself and Tanya. We do enjoy, uh, keeping up with all the true crimes that are current and ongoing trials. Uh, right now there's actually quite an interesting one and also a very heartbreaking one that's going on. Uh, he's still on the run. He hasn't been caught yet. I'm not sure if they're gonna to be. This is my personal opinion. I'm not sure if they're gonna actually find him alive. Um, I don't know why. I feel like he might do something to himself, but, uh, that's my just my opinion. So if you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about Travis Decker. So by the time you hear this, he might have been found or he might not have, but at this point in time he's still on the run.

Shireen Botha: 6:54

I think my biggest question that I want to ask for, lantania, is you know, do you think the veteran system played a part in the death of these beautiful little girls by failing to help Travis Decker with his mental health when he asked for it? So, listeners, a little bit more information on the case. If you don't know, key details is that the victims are his three young daughters. Peyton was nine, evelyn was eight and Olivia was only five. The girls were found with plastic bags over their heads and their wrists zip-tied, with authorities determining their cause of death was, unfortunately, suffocation. The location the bodies were found and Decker's abandoned truck was found in a remote campsite in and I'm gonna butcher this name, so help me here, it's okanoguan national forest. Oh, can someone help me there? Tanya, am I pronouncing that right?

Phil Bulone: 8:04

I don't know.

Tanya Scotece: 8:06

Your guess is as good as ours. We have a lot of names around here we can't pronounce either.

Phil Bulone: 8:12

Whereabouts is that?

Shireen Botha: 8:15

It's in Washington, it's near Leavenworth in Washington. I'm sorry if I'm getting it wrong. It's Okanagan wenatchee national forest, but yes, leavenworth, washington was the location. Uh suspect, as you guys can guess, it's travis decker, who's an army veteran, um, and is accused of the murders and is currently at large Investigation is obviously the authorities are conducting a manhunt for Decker, who they consider dangerous and very well versed in the wilderness survival. So we'll see. But a little bit more about the background of Decker. Decker's ex-wife has previously expressed concern about his mental instability and he was reportedly undergoing a disciplinary discharge from the Washington National Guard. Ex-wife has also mentioned is she's actually holding the VA authorities responsible because she actually feels that they have failed her children by not helping Travis with his mental struggles when it arose. So that brings me back to the original question is do you think full and tanya, do you think the veteran system played a part in the death of these little girls by failing to help travis decker with his mental health? When asked full, do you want to just fill in?

Phil Bulone: 10:00

yeah, that's a tough one. Um, I mean this the mental health is so complicated, you know, and the system is so complicated. So, yeah, I mean, what a tragic and sad story. You know, there's so many different levels of care. It's hard to for me, it's hard to kind of like pinpoint where maybe, you know, it sort of went awry, because the whole process really is very complicated and sort of convoluted in my opinion. So I have a lot of, you know, empathy for the family and for the children, and it's hard to say whether the VA, you know, played such a final sort of role in it, because a lot of it really, too, is up to the person, to, you know, get the help that they need, stay on their meds, you know, and get those different levels of care that really are needed.

Phil Bulone: 11:01

So many times we think that there's such a quick fix. Or, you know, there's a formula to all of this. And, interestingly enough, you know I feel like when you were talking about it, there's some parallels to suicide in a sense, because you know I feel like when you were talking about it, there's some parallels to suicide in a sense, because you know suicide really is a mental health disease. So you know there's. So it's just so complicated and we want to blame or place responsibility on someone else for something and that's a that's a really tough thing. So in the end he really did do it.

Phil Bulone: 11:34

so you know supposedly, or you know I mean if he took that action, then he did that, so it's hard to point fingers to um the va, in my opinion, although it is all complicated yeah, yeah kanye, what about yourself?

Tanya Scotece: 12:05

When we sit here as a society and just point one finger at one thing or one organization or one institution, it's you know, I think I mean everybody could sit here and say, well, childhood had a play, and your upbringing and where you were raised and what you did and how you were treated, and mental instability, biological, so, you know, did everything play a role in this action? You could actually say probably yes, everything did play a role in this action. You could actually say probably, yes, everything did. But to sit here and slander you know, the veterans, or to say that they, it was their fault, that's not a fair in my opinion.

Tanya Scotece: 12:38

I mean, I think it's, you know, and you know the Veterans Administration in the United States is, as Dr Phil mentioned, very complicated, very layered. You know, there's many veterans that you know need support, that don't choose support, even though they're a veteran. There's many veterans that you know need support that don't choose support, um, even though they're a veteran. There's others that you know, do ask, you know, but there's just, it's so, um, in my opinion, like layered and multifaceted um, so I think everything plays a role, right, everything. But at the end of the day, I'm going to agree with dr phil. It's like you know, a person's actions is the person's actions.

Shireen Botha: 13:16

Yeah, I couldn't agree with you both more than that. Ultimately, it was his decision. Whatever led, whatever event led, to that decision that he made, it still was his decision at the end of the day. And no matter how much we point fingers, it really doesn't help. It is what it is. It's happened. Those poor little girls, the family that's left behind.

Shireen Botha: 13:46

You know it's a shame that it happened, but these things do happen and it is there. We can only control ourselves. So I guess you know, whatever party you are that is involved somehow in the situation, um, you know, all I would say is look inwards, look good inwards, and and try and figure out how each party can figure out what to do to better themselves, to try and avoid these kind of situations at the end of the day. Um, but yeah, I think, instead of pointing fingers, I think let's just look at ourselves. And it's a very sad thing. You know it's happened, it was his decision at the end of the day, but we can't control everyone else's actions but only our own. So we'll see. He's on the run. I've told you that I have a suspicion that I don't think that he's going to be found alive, but that is my suspicion and nevertheless, let's move on. Phil, I'd love you just to start by just telling the listeners a little bit about who you are and your background.

Phil Bulone: 15:09

Yeah, so I feel like I have like nine lives, to be honest. Well, I'm originally from New York area, and then I have moved to South Florida, so that's how I kind of know, tanya. And, having said that, I feel like I've come full circle in sort of like my academic and career life over the past decades. So yeah, so I had received a bachelor's degree in psychology, and then I went on the study abroad program which I was so proud of. You know I paid for it by myself, and you know I'm Italian-American, so I went to Italy, and it was a big deal for me. While there, though, what really sort of touched my heart was architecture and design and sort of creative side of things, which has always been a part of me as forever as I could remember.

Phil Bulone: 16:04

So, after I got my bachelor's in psychology, I went the design route, and I got a master's degree in interior design. I tried out architecture for a while, but I knew that wasn't really it, because I really wanted to work on projects that kind of really helped provide sort of deep meaning and experiences for people, and I was really interested in how people were affected by like spaces and their environment. So that's kind of took me that route, but I always had this sort of again thread of psychology interest, so I got into that. And then, you know a couple of things, one thing led to another and I, you know, I worked in design hospitality design, retail design and, because I had a master's degree and I had a young family at the time, working lots of different jobs I was teaching at night and that kind of formulated into more of a full-time teaching job, and then career and higher education, and I was a dean of a design and technology college for a little bit, and that's where I got my doctorate in education, curriculum instruction, adult education, and that's again where I had met Dr T, and so things were kind of going along. And then, actually, there was a lot of sort of, I guess, change within the higher education system, like in 2015 area, and the school I worked for was a it was a conglomerate of a bunch of different schools they all closed, so then I had to kind of like figure out what I was going to do again.

Phil Bulone: 17:40

So I went back into design and worked in that for a few more years, and I always found though it was a pattern that I was like sort of the one that was developing people and creating these like workshops in corporate America for like, self-development or human potential or things like that. So I was inspired to kind of at least start the process of going back to school again. I don't know, I guess my first word was book this is what my mom tells me, so I'm clearly a lifelong learner. But I was thinking about going back to school and bringing everything together, like my background beginnings in psychology and design and art, so to become an art therapist and a mental health counselor. So I started that process and just sort of like interestingly enough, I'm divorced, but I had been with a woman Her name is Nicole for seven years. I mean, we acted like we were married, so we call each other spouses, we wore rings and owned a home together and committed to each other and lived as spouses.

Phil Bulone: 18:52

Um christmas eve 2019, she died by suicide. So in that moment, um, you know, in sort of a kind of weird way, in that moment, I kind of knew that then this was really my calling and I felt really real deep confirmation in that moment to continue to go back to school for something in the mental health field. So I started my classes 15 days after she died and again I'm in a program in art therapy and counseling and so for the last five years that's where I've been. You know, graduated in 2022, takes a couple of years to get licensed. You know her life as well as our experience and and kind of my experience also finding her and just bringing together these nine lives.

Tanya Scotece: 20:00

Oh my gosh, what a journey. What a journey. Dr Phil, what year did you earn your PhD?

Phil Bulone: 20:06

2016.

Tanya Scotece: 20:07

2016. Okay, okay, yes, we're alma mater USF Tampa uh tampa. Yeah, yeah, what an amazing journey, though, as far as just you know, um, you know tying everything, and it's amazing that your first book was uh, I mean, your first word was book, my first word was pillow. I don't know what that means, but I don't know what was your first word? Pillow, pillow, pillow. Oh, okay, yeah, my pillow. That was my first word.

Phil Bulone: 20:36

So it's so fun.

Tanya Scotece: 20:38

Yeah, wow, shereen, I'm going to turn it back over to you. But, shereen, do you know what your first word was? I actually don't.

Shireen Botha: 20:44

I really don't. It's a very interesting question. There's a lot I can't remember from being a baby, but thank you so much.

Phil Bulone: 20:56

Yeah, maybe the first word does have to do with, like, how you sort of handle stress or cope through life. I don't know. It's something to look into. Yeah, it's a very interesting.

Tanya Scotece: 21:03

Yeah, because it's true. If I get stressed, I like my pillow, I like to meditate, de-stress, relax, chill.

Tanya Scotece: 21:09

So Meditate de-stress, relax, chill. So there is something, yeah, there is something about it, but no. Your journey, though, and we'll dive deeper into your story with Nicole and how you've developed into the restorative I always call it restorative artist because I just had you recently at my three-day college performing a workshop so, but the art therapy side of things, and really the I guess it's the somatic release, would you? Would you describe it like? Like that? As far as you know, releasing emotions through art is that is that.

Phil Bulone: 21:40

Yeah, I would say, you know, it's very, you know, very holistically oriented, yeah, the mind, the body, the emotions, exactly yeah very nice.

Shireen Botha: 21:49

First of all I want to say I'm so sorry to hear thank you about your well, your, your partner, your, your friend, your partner.

Shireen Botha: 21:59

Um, that must have been absolutely life-changing, uh, which you know I can't imagine. But you know this part of the podcast. We always do the quote of the month and normally that's something that our guests will share with us and then tell us what it means to them. Um, so, you know, listeners, phil gave us his quote and it says it ties together with his story of his friend and his partner that passed. He said be the change that you wish to see in the world. Be the change that you wish to see in the world. Phil, what does that mean to you?

Phil Bulone: 22:46

Yeah, I know it means so many different things. Yeah, I know it. Just, you know it means so many different things. Um, you know one thing about it, though, like at one point, um, that was actually Nicole's um favorite quote. I believe it was her favorite quote because she had a poster made of it and to put in her office, um, and I remember kind of like helping her um create the poster and was like, oh, all these quotes they're so cliche and I was, like, you know, kind of in that like mode during those years. You know, and I don't know, I felt sort of like a little bit regretful actually for sort of saying that and kind of having a bit of that attitude towards, you know, quotes in general and things like that. And um, so after she died, after she died, I actually cleaned out her office and brought that um poster and that quote with me and then now, a couple of years later, it's like it's kind of focal point in my own office.

Phil Bulone: 23:48

So, um, I feel like it's really helped me to in my healing process to kind of to kind of come back to some of these like simple truths, you know, these little nuggets of wisdom that really are through quotes or quotes that become kind of cliches, you know, and that one in particular, really, you know, resonates with me in the sense of personally, how, you know, it's important for me to kind of be internal and to go in and to kind of we've talked, we've said words of responsibility before. Right To me it has a lot to do with about responsibility and calling and giving back and serving others. Um, you know, these are all major themes that I had seen in nicole's own life and then, and you know, and and clearly in my life as well, but now they just have such a deeper meaning. You know, and I believe gandhi was the one who, um, who originated that quote, or you know, at least it became maybe popular by him, and you know just kind of looking towards these kind of historic figures as role models and you know kind of his gentleness and his compassion for others and you know kind of non-violent perspective and all of those kind of elements and themes sort of point to why I find that one of my favorite quotes.

Shireen Botha: 25:15

Right. Thank you, phil. Would you say that the passing of Nicole was the decider to change your career and become a licensed mental health counselor? Um, was that the the defining?

Phil Bulone: 25:33

yeah, I mean, I had little inklings before and I had started the process of taking some pre-rec classes and things like that, but then, um, clearly, yeah, when with the passing of nicole, is what really just solidified and again confirmed, confirmed that sort of change in my path?

Tanya Scotece: 25:50

yeah, tune in next week for part two from Friends from Wild Places.

Voiceover: 25:56

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