Friends from Wild Places

The Cost of Silence: Supporting Suicide Survivors

• Shireen Botha/Tanya Scotece ft Phil Bulone • Season 5 • Episode 27

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Suicide prevention and supporting those left behind are critical yet often overlooked aspects of mental health care. Dr. Phil from Mental Health America of Southeast Florida shares his personal story and professional insights on helping suicide survivors heal and preventing further tragedies.


Phil Bulone



• Between 800,000 to 1 million people die by suicide worldwide annually, with each death affecting approximately 135 people
• For every suicide, about 20 people in the deceased's intimate circle experience profound grief and may need specialized support
• Mental Health America's LOSS team provides wraparound services including emotional support, financial assistance, and practical help with funeral arrangements
• Language matters when discussing suicide – phrases like "died by suicide" instead of "committed suicide" help reduce stigma
• Asking someone directly about suicidal thoughts does not put the idea in their mind – it opens necessary communication
• If someone expresses suicidal thoughts, stay with them and contact the 988 crisis line or other emergency services
• Those bereaved by suicide face unique challenges including increased suicide risk themselves, making support groups crucial
• Small acts of kindness and support can make significant differences – you may not save everyone, but saving one person matters

Join us as we support Mental Health America Southeast Florida this month!

Support Mental Health America of Southeast Florida by donating through their website. All contributions help fund vital support services for families affected by suicide.


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Voiceover:

Tales from the wild, stories from the heart. A journey into the mind and soul of fired up business professionals, where they share their vision for the future and hear from a different non-profit organization every month as they create awareness of their goals and their needs. Dive into a world of untamed passion as we join our host, Shireen Botha, for this month's episode of Friends from Wild Places.

Shireen Botha:

Yeah, that's very important and, with that being said, phil, that is the non-profit of the month that we're going to support this month and that's the mental health america of southeast florida. Listeners, we will put the link in the show notes for you to to reach out. But, phil, what are some of the ways that we could support mental Health America of Southeast Florida? How are the different ways that we can support you guys?

Phil Bulone:

Yeah, well, we are a local affiliate for Mental Health America overall. So, like Mental Health America is throughout the country and we're the Southeast Florida affiliate. So, yeah, I mean we, you, you listeners could, could donate to our um organization and it's real easy to see how to do that. You go to the um homepage and there's a a place to click on the top right hand side that says donate, and you could scroll down and click on the loss team. Yeah, um, because what we do, um, even more so than just showing up, is we provide wraparound services for for the families and those um the loved ones. So, um, you know, sometimes there's a need for help with information or expenses or um lodging, because maybe someone doesn't want to stay in the place where they found them right away.

Phil Bulone:

Or, you know, clearly, food or this might be something to just to kind of like, you know, kind of prepare your listeners for as I'm talking about it, because something that maybe folks don't think about and it could be kind of activating is biohazard cleaning. You know, in some ways, that someone dies, you might have to get biohazard cleaning. You know, in some ways, that someone dies, you might have to get biohazard cleaning to come to the scene or the site and, interestingly enough, I think this is important to share when we talk about serving others, and maybe even this idea of helping people financially when someone at a crime scene or when someone, let's say, dies by you know as a victim of a crime, like a homicide or murder. At least in our area there are victim compensation programs, so there could be some money that could help people with a sudden funeral or cremation expense or by house or cleaning or getting therapy for trauma or a victim. But because suicide is not a crime I mean, yeah, it used to be centuries ago in the century but there aren't resources available to help persons that have just experienced this sudden traumatic death.

Phil Bulone:

So what we try to do is we try to come in and fill in the gap. So you know we, that's where we come in. We work with the United Way. You know we have some funding, but clearly it's not enough to help all the families that are in need. So that's a, that's a big way to help the, help the families. And then we also run support groups ourselves, peer support groups. We have about six or seven a month, depending upon the theme. So donations go through help supporting the facilitation of those groups. And then we do events throughout the year as well Remembrance events, other community building events, trauma-informed kind of healing events, things like that.

Shireen Botha:

Thank you so much for your work. We really appreciate you and what Loss is doing and you know there's so many people that are suffering in silence.

Phil Bulone:

Yeah.

Shireen Botha:

And when people get left behind after their loved ones have committed suicide by whatever they choose. However they choose those people left behind. They've now got to pick themselves up and try and survive this world that we, that we're living in right now, which is not a very pretty picture, as right now the world is actually, um, it's been at its best, it's been better, but what I'm trying to get at, and I think is so important, is you might not be able to save everybody, but you can save one person.

Shireen Botha:

You can help one person yeah and one person is more than enough yeah, absolutely because at the end of the day, it's if I think people I don't know, if people just feel overwhelmed, they go oh, I can't save everybody, I'm just not going to try. But please don't have that mindset, because if one person, one kind act, one little bit of assistance, that donation that you're going to give to that mental health organization so that they can do good for the community, that is more than enough. You've got to keep on doing the little wins, the little tiny little acts of kindness that you don't think is affecting anybody or anything. It is. It is Because you join another 10, another 50, another 100, and they're all trying to just help a little bit. And that little bit, or added together, is a lot. So please, listeners, take some time out and really help. If you can help, give your little bit, however they may look, just give um and you're actually it'll enlighten your life as well.

Phil Bulone:

So I appreciate you saying that, because just what you just kind of came up for me with that is, yeah, the world is so overwhelming, right, and I know personally I could get very cynical, and I think that's why, when I brought up the whole quote before, it was like, oh, quotes, and I would be the change you want to make in the world. It's like, well, what can I do? I'm just like, you know one person, right, right, but if it's anything, I think that actually Nicole's Nicole was here to show me that her death could teach me was that you know, one person can make a difference. Yeah, and that's now how it is for me moving forward, cause you're right, you know, something just to kind of add is that those who've left, those who are left behind by suicide are, you know, research has shown that that we are survivors, you know more vulnerable to suicide ourselves. So really, what our program ultimately is is a post-advention program, is to help prevent further suicides after a suicide, right? So yeah.

Phil Bulone:

So that kind of like even just saving one life yeah, it's so profound, so I appreciate you brought that up.

Shireen Botha:

Yeah, yeah, Questions you'd like to ask before. I yes, Thank you. Thank you, Dr Phil. Any more questions you'd like to ask before?

Tanya Scotece:

I yes, thank you. Thank you, dr Phil, for just sharing your journey, your work, your mission and your vision with us. As a funeral director, I have served many, many families with loved ones of suicide in many different ways, from different ages. The youngest I served was 11 years old and the eldest was mid-70s. So quite the range of people. Would you mind, dr Phil, sharing some, maybe just some, statistics, some do's and don'ts as far as? What are the statistics as far as currently that we have worldwide or nationwide, and if maybe you can also share some things to say and don't say and, you know, just maybe some helpful tips for all of us to learn from you?

Phil Bulone:

Yeah, yeah, well, statistics they are kind of staggering, I mean. I believe the World Health Organization, you know, shows that between like 800,000 to a million people die by suicide across the world every year and studies show that for every suicide, 135 people are affected. And even more particular kind of like that could be folks that hear about it, maybe even, like you know, on the news or online or something. That's the reach. But even within that, like about 20 persons are in that that person who's died kind of intimate circle. So even just think of that 20 people times a million, I mean that's a lot of people that are affected by a suicide, yeah, that are affected by a suicide. Yeah, statistics generally show that suicide occurs more in men than in women. However, women attempt more because sort of some of the knowledge around that is that men are more likely to use a fatal means like a gun, whereas a woman might use pills. So that's something that isn't, as let's say, immediately fatal. But you know we could talk about statistics. But, like I said, I've met with, you know, hundreds of families over the years and you know, even in my own experience, right, I mean Nicole used kind of a fatal, violent way. You know that maybe women don't use, so like it's really hard to say, right, suicide does not have a face, though I mean it. Like you were kind of mentioning Dr T. You know it's all colors, shapes, sizes, faiths, everything in between, right, unfortunately, we are seeing more young persons now. Um, so from a statistics standpoint, you know, that would be kind of like a basic overview that I can give you at this time.

Phil Bulone:

Sometimes people think like, oh, it really doesn't happen. In my community, like when Nicole died, like I was really like. I remember thinking about this when I was waiting for the police to arrive. I was like, oh, this is like like five people, like five people, you know. And then I come to find out that in pretty much all of our big counties here in, you know, in the US, like, let's say, like with 2 million people in Broward County, we have about 230, let's say, suicides a year, and that's about the ratio. So where I was living was a big county too. So it was like, oh, no, it was not five people this year, it was 230, too. So it was like, oh no, it was not five people.

Tanya Scotece:

this year it was 230. You know, yeah, that's a lot of people. Yeah, yeah, um, and how about some tips as far as what to say, what not to say?

Phil Bulone:

the do's, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, you know one thing, one thing that that about the, the language, and this is not something that we're like sticklers about, because clearly, if you know, there's a lot of sensitivity around speaking about suicide, especially to a newly suicide bereaved, but we do try to stay away from the word committed and that's just become such a phrase though in our society. You know, committed suicide, but we'd rather say die by suicide, because it helps to soften or, you know, kind of turn away from this idea that our loved one committed a crime, or maybe they even committed a sin Cause. You know, that's a whole other thing, you know we could kind of go into.

Tanya Scotece:

Yeah, we have another podcast on that, dr Phil. Yeah, yeah, we got a whole thing on that.

Phil Bulone:

So, like the idea of committed you know kind of you know whether it's intentionally or not intentional, you know it kind of reinforces some of that shame and stigma. So we say died by suicide, or we say things like you know they died by their own hand or they took their own life. Some of our survivors, you know, even say you know my so-and-so, my husband, my wife, my mother, my father, whatnot, died from their struggle with mental illness, you know. And now you're really kind of opening up a lot more of that conversation, right. So those are a couple of things you know. General things, as I'm sure you know, as a funeral director, is that you know, like I know how you feel. You know that's not very helpful you know, or someone, sort of equating.

Phil Bulone:

We see this a lot and you know folks want to be helpful but sometimes it's more hurtful. Like equating a suicide death just to like, you know, maybe a natural death or a death of a pet, you know, and I think it's just because we don't know what in society, we don't really know how to deal with grief and loss, let alone, you know, a stigmatized grief like suicide. So you're going to sort of want to search for things and you want to be compassionate, you want to help, and you might say things that are a little bit more hurtful than helpful. So just keeping it sort of simple Less is more. So just keeping it sort of simple less is more.

Phil Bulone:

Like some folks don't like the I am so sorry, or I'm sorry, but you know that's kind of a general thing. You know I'm sorry this happened in your family, not like to your family, because that kind of again victimizes folks. Or you know, if someone's talking about their feelings, like rather than I understand how you feel, more like it is understandable, so sort of just generalize and sort of neutralize, or, unless it's more, some of these statements, just, I'm here for you. That could just be a very simple one. I'm here for you, you know. So those could be some of the simple ways that you could help somebody, in sort of speaking terms.

Tanya Scotece:

Okay, and before we get into our you know wrapping up our podcast and you know turning it into a little bit more of a we'll do a little lighthearted wrap up session here, almost like a debrief, I just want to ask you, Dr Phil, can you share with our listeners if somebody is either thinking about suicide or having suicide ideations, or maybe see somebody in their own circle of friends or family, you know, is talking about it the right thing, the wrong thing? What?

Tanya Scotece:

are some notes in that that you can just leave our listeners with some nuggets so they can go into the world and and, uh, you know, better humans yeah, yeah, yeah.

Phil Bulone:

So research also shows us that, um, asking someone the question about suicide will not, or is not or does not put the idea in someone's mind. So because sometimes I think that's why people are fearful of that is that even if they're kind of even thinking like, oh well, this person might you know, or even just kind of asking someone, it's a very scary thing and you know. So have the confidence in knowing that if you feel like someone is going through a struggle, that you can ask them about their suicidal thoughts. And there's a couple of ways to ask. You ask directly. You don't preface it like with, oh, you're not really thinking about doing it, because then you're already kind of shaming someone. Or you know, you just got to be real direct and empathetic about it. Like you know, are you having suicidal thoughts, you know. Are you thinking about killing yourself? Are you thinking about taking your life? You know, those are three ways that we're trained on how to ask.

Phil Bulone:

Saying things like are you thinking about hurting yourself? Know how to ask um saying things like when you're thinking about hurting yourself.

Tanya Scotece:

That's different, but go ahead. What if the answer is yes? What do you do? So now we have the question.

Phil Bulone:

So then, if the answer is yes, you know, because it's very scary. So, you know, in a certain sense, be aware, to stay calm. Um, you could immediately call the 988 crisis line. Um, now, I don't know if that's international, but clearly in the United States, right.

Phil Bulone:

So, call a crisis line 988. They changed it recently to make it simpler. So, like there's 911, right you call that for like a police emergency or a law enforcement right or a rescue emergency, you could call 988 if someone's having suicidal thoughts, okay, but there's also another sort of element to this, because someone might be having thoughts and you want to get them to a crisis line. You don't want to leave them alone, you want to get them to the next level of help or care. Maybe they have a therapist that you could get on the phone with them. Do you want to get someone that's having thoughts to that next higher level of care, like a crisis line or maybe like a therapist, without leaving them alone, staying on the phone with them, calling for them, that sort of thing? If someone is thinking about suicide and then they've mentioned, or if there was an indication, or even if you asked if they had a plan or like, do you know when you're going to do it or how you're going to do it, and they say yes or they describe any parts of that to you, then you're going to want to call for immediate help, intervention, yeah, intervention, and there's a couple of ways you could do that in your community. I mean, first and foremost, if you want to call the police, do so.

Phil Bulone:

You call 9-1-1, you call the police, and many areas have what's called a crisis intervention trained or critical incident trained officer that could come with more knowledge about how to deal with mental health crises.

Phil Bulone:

Because, again, some folks might not want to call police on someone because they think, oh, they're going to come and get arrested or put handcuffs and they're going to be taken to a psychiatric hospital, which may be the case and it may be the safest thing for them at that time. But rather than sort of thinking about all the what ifs and your struggle with that, you know, ask for an officer who's trained in these types of situations, right, some areas have what's called mobile response teams, like we have here in Fort Lauderdale and Miami, and that would be a team that could come out. If someone's not in immediate acting on their suicide ideation. Still, if they're thinking about it and maybe you just see they need, maybe they're not acting right, they're saying they hear voices, even things like that A mobile response team of trained clinicians could come out and do an evaluation and then see if that person would need to be hospitalized. So there's a lot of different ways, but if anything to leave with your listeners, it's.

Phil Bulone:

You know, get that person to the 988 crisis line. You know, don't leave them alone. Check in on them. If someone's even just saying they're thinking about killing themselves, whether they're intent is real or not, it's still a cry for help. So it's an opportunity to open up that connection, to get a person to the next level of care.

Shireen Botha:

Right Well, thank you very much.

Tanya Scotece:

I'll leave with this, dr Phil, I'll close out my session and then I'll turn it over to Shereen. If you want to share with our listeners, maybe one to three, what's your vision? What's your mission? What do you want them to get from your podcast? Is there anything that you need or want or share? So what would be your one to three things just to share with the world?

Phil Bulone:

Yeah, absolutely Absolutely, that you're not alone, that you're not alone in any of your mental health, whether it's struggles or whatnot, so you're not alone. Reach out for others and connect. If you are having suicidal thoughts or know that of someone who is, get them to 988,. Get them to local one-on-one therapists. Check in with each other. Yeah, and then, um, I guess, thirdly, just yeah, support, support those programs out there that are, um, that are doing this kind of work. So support your local loss team and we'd love for you to help support mental health. America of Southeast Florida.

Tanya Scotece:

Awesome, amazing, dr Phil, I'll turn it back over to Shireen and any last minute questions and then we'll do probably a lighthearted exercise to wrap us up.

Shireen Botha:

Well, actually, actually, with that, I just I don't want to. I think what we've been speaking about here is very serious, and we are doing this in the month of September for Suicide Month. I don't want to. I don't. It just doesn't feel right to now play a game. So I'm going to skip that part and I'm going to rather just say you know, listeners, you've heard it here, you've heard all the questions and Phil really sharing his heart heard all the questions and Phil really sharing his hearts. And we have a non-profit for this month to help with people that, unfortunately, have been left behind and have gone through an experience of someone loved one taking their life, or you might know of someone that you have a hint that they're struggling and you you want to try and offer some help to them. We've given you a whole lot of helplines. We've given you ways to support. We'd really appreciate you seriously to think about how you can support your own community. There's a mental health organization for every country, internationally, locally, so please do your bit.

Tanya Scotece:

Shireen, may I do a debriefing exercise? We won't call it a game, but may I do a debriefing exercise with both of you? Okay, so no, the reason is is because, as funeral directors, there's a process that we do when we're dealing with such strong emotions that may bring up during a hour, two hour timeframe. So, as our listeners, if you're listening to this entire podcast and I have my friends Shereen and Dr Phil with us this morning as we debrief I just want everybody to just inhale deeply through your nose. Try to hold for five, four, three, two, one. Release through your mouth slowly. We don't want to hyperventilate. Let's do that two more times in through your nose. We don't want to hyperventilate. Let's do that two more times.

Tanya Scotece:

In through your nose. Five, four, three, two, one. Release through your mouth slowly and one more time In through your nose. Deep, deep breath. As we go out into the world, exhale through our mouth Five, four, three, two, one, as slow as we can go. And I'm just going to ask you a couple of questions just as we close out this most intense podcast, but very, very open-minded, as we go sharing our kindness in the world. So I'm going to ask your favorite book that you could share with our listeners, whether it has to do with inspiration, motivation or just your all time favorite book. So, dr Phil, what would you want to share for your favorite book?

Phil Bulone:

Well, you did. I'd have to say the Bible.

Tanya Scotece:

The Bible. Okay, okay, okay. And then I want to ask you a little bit more specific on the Bible. Do you just randomly pick it up and open to a page and that's your page of the day that you're supposed to learn something, or how do you read it?

Phil Bulone:

Yeah, I mean, I've read it, I read it all, but open it up and you know I don't say that in a way that sort of like, you know, impose a certain view or anything. It's more about just eternal wisdom, you know, and eternal universal wisdom. You know, as I study different, different faith traditions, you know there's so many common themes, so what I love to get is out of the Bible are clearly those common simple?

Tanya Scotece:

simple themes. Yeah, simple themes, simple. Okay, that's the. That's the that's the theme of today. It's like keep it simple, keep it simple. Exactly that's the that's the.

Phil Bulone:

That's the theme of today. It's like keep it simple. Keep it simple, exactly. There's so much, but in reality it's really just simple.

Tanya Scotece:

Yeah, all right, shireen, how about you a book, motivation, inspiration, something that? Just what do you want to share with our listeners?

Shireen Botha:

um it's, I'm just gonna keep it last, hearthearted. I always love the Lord of the Rings. Those are always my go-to books to read, so yeah.

Tanya Scotece:

Awesome, awesome. And my favorite still has not changed. It is the Body Keeps the Score, and I think that kind of ties into Dr Phil's mission. As far as releasing, sometimes we have emotions that get trapped within us. Releasing Sometimes we have emotions that get trapped within us and whether you're a chakra type person or just whether you're holistic, eastern or Western medicine, sometimes we have emotions that get trapped. And if you suffer from chronic headaches, stomach aches, back aches, sore throats, anything like that, read the body keeps the score. It will literally help you disengage the emotions that are locked in your body. So people through a shock release generally have a really tremendous way to do. All right, and last, before we close out, what is one technique when you just get overloaded? What is, what is one thing that you can just count on every time to do? Is it music? Is it getting your favorite food? Is it going to sleep? Is it? What is it? So, dr phil, we'll start with you yeah, definitely, art, definitely.

Phil Bulone:

Like I know, I know when I need to make a piece of art, that helps.

Tanya Scotece:

All right. And shereen, how about you? You're super stressed. What's one thing that you can always count on to do that will bring you grounded? That would be hiking, hiking. Okay, all right, and I will conclude with my pillow. My pillow is my safe space, so if I just have to take a break, meditate, sleep, my pillow is my go-to. So, shireen, I'm going to expect you got to check with your parents and find out what your?

Tanya Scotece:

word was so we can have a part two of this podcast and we'll continue on that. So all right, listeners. For my part, I leave you with friends from wild places. It's been amazing journey this morning. And where can we find you? Where can we find you, dr Phil? If we want to find more information, our listeners want to get in touch with you. Maybe they have more questions, maybe they would like you to be a guest speaker at their organization for you know, maybe some you know holistic exercises, even team building workshops.

Tanya Scotece:

I do appreciate you coming into Miami Dade College our restorative art class and you did a phenomenal workshop there. Our students are still talking about it, so I definitely want to have you back in our classroom. But where can people find you Not only students when can people find you?

Phil Bulone:

Yeah, I shared with Shireen my LinkedIn profile and my email and my personal phone number, so yeah, Okay, so Shireen will get that in the show notes.

Tanya Scotece:

And how about you, Shireen? Where can our listeners find you? Maybe they want to be a future guest on the podcast. Maybe they have bookkeeping needs. Where can our listeners find you?

Shireen Botha:

Well, let's start with you, Tanya, and then we'll end with me How's that?

Tanya Scotece:

Okay, okay. So for folks finding me, many of the listeners know I am a licensed funeral director in Balmer in the state of Florida. I oversee the mortuary program at Miami Dade College, so anybody that's interested in pursuing a career in funeral directing definitely can reach out to me. I also work in the senior space, matching people with communities who can no longer live alone, perhaps due to cognitive or physical challenges, and I also serve as an expert witness in the funeral home and cemetery cases. So for folks finding me, I do live on LinkedIn. You can find me at Tanya Scotisi LinkedIn profile is right there for all three areas of need or if you just have something that you would like more information on that I've talked about this morning. Back to you, shireen.

Shireen Botha:

Sounds wonderful. Thank you so much, tanya, for doing that. So, yes, you'll find me on LinkedIn as well with Tanya. Shireen Botha, as well as Shireen's Bookkeeping Services, is the business that I run. You can also find Friends from Wild Places on YouTube, but the website is friendsfromwildplaces. buzzsprout. com. That's friendsfromwildplaces. buzzsprout. com. If you would like to go and get some more content on mental health, we did have our visitor, Damien O'Brien, on not so long ago for the Switzerland mental health development program. So if you want to go in and listen to some more ways to help each other, be there for each other, help yourself, please go and take a listen. Please subscribe. It's only $5 a month. We'd really appreciate your every support. It really means so much to myself and tanya. Um, and, with that being said, thank you so much for listening and we'll see you next time. Guys, and remember you got this and stay wild.

Voiceover:

Bye, guys, bye, bye you've been listening to friends from wild places with Shireen Botha. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast from the links to catch every episode and unleash your passion.

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Shireen Botha

Host
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Tanya Scotece

Co-host
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Phil Bulone

Guest

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