Family Drama

In this episode I am going to talk about something that every single one of us deals with - family drama. The thing about family drama is we all have it and deal with it in unique ways because no families are alike, even if we all have the drama and toxicity that sometimes comes with being a part of a unit. I also believe these toxic relationships are so common, yet often not talked about.

In this episode, I am going to talk about this subject by sharing 5 types of family drama and 5 ways to cope with them.

Transcript

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Family Drama

I have a name I want to call listeners of Evolving Life that I want to share with you in this episode. You, my fellow listeners, will be referred to as evolvers. You are an Evolver. I am an evolved because as you know, our lives are always changing. If you’ve found my podcast and choose to be a part of my community of individuals evolving together, then you get the honor of having this moniker.

Welcome to episode 9 of Evolving Life. In this episode I am going to talk about something that every single one of us deals with - family drama. The thing about family drama is we all have it and deal with it in unique ways because no families are alike, even if we all have the drama and toxicity that sometimes comes with being a part of a unit. I also believe these toxic relationships are so common, yet often not talked about.

In this episode, I am going to talk about this subject by sharing 5 types of family drama and 5 ways to cope with them.

I want to tackle this subject because sometimes knowing that there are others who understand and relate to what you are going through makes a world of difference in how you deal with the events and situation that take place within your personal tribe.

So Evolvers, let touch on this really sensitive topic in this episode.

Here we go

I love the idea of family. I love the idea of knowing that there are people out there who are supposed to care about you more, are supposed to be there for you more than they would be for friends and acquaintances, and through thick and thin. The idea that there are a group of people out there that have your back, no matter what, is so comforting. The idea that the bond that’s supposed to exist with family is sacred and unbreakable.

In my dramatic mind. I have this powerful vision of what it is to be a part of an unbreakable family.

Imagine this long thread and as each family member is born, we attached them to this thread. It never wears down, it never breaks. It is a constant. No matter what happens to each family member, that unbreakable thread is there. It binds us together. Even when a family member gets sick or dies, it doesn’t break. In fact, it would strengthen. Because love grows stronger as we support and deal with life issues like illness and loss of someone that is a part of that thread. We are there for each other because of blood. We love each other, no matter what. No one, or nothing, can break that thread, that bond that binds us together.

What did you think of my vision?

That’s my fantasy of what family is.

However, the reality is the bond; the thread is breakable. I know there are many, many people who, for whatever reason, have chosen, or because of events, situations, circumstances, don’t communicate with their family or a family member. I wish I could say the reasons are many. They are not. One big reason and the subject of this episode is family drama, or toxic family issues. 

Just a side note that even though I will use the word toxic a lot, I don’t enjoy referring to family drama as toxic because it is such a strong word and I would like to think that regardless of the issues families face when dealing with dramatic situations; the love is still there. Buried under a lot of shit, but it’s there.

I also want to be really specific by saying that when I’m referring to family, there are certain members I am not referring to, although I am not saying these family members don’t cause conflict. While aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews can make you feel like disconnecting from family, chances are it’s the immediate family that’s the issue.

Immediate family to me is mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers. To most of us, they are the ones that affect our lives if we let them.

They are the ones that’s responsible for the adults we are to a certain degree. At least, the mothers and fathers are. For anyone who has had to deal with a family member, that’s toxic, chances are, it’s not the cousins or the nieces and nephews. We know how to ignore them, not take their calls, to put their actions, words, thoughts, into perspective. It’s the immediate family that we spend our mental energy on.

Okay, so let’s talk about some scenarios that create the recipe for family drama. Let’s see if you identify with any of them.

1. When family members who are insensitive, and make cruel comments and remarks

Here is an example. Two sisters. One older, the other younger. The older sister visits the younger sister often and feels a motherly instinct towards her. So each time she is at her house, the older sister will do things to help her sister, like wash the dishes in the sink, or straighten up the living room, help take care of her kids. It’s been this way for years. One day they are at a family event and the little sister is talking to a family friend, and he asks where is her big sister. The little sister says jokingly, oh she is probably inside being my maid and cleaning up after my kids as usual.

The comment seems meaningless, right? Well, it just so happens that the person who the little sister made the comment is a good friend of her big sister. A good enough friend to take the big sister aside and say stop what you are doing right now. And here is why? Pretend you are the big sister hearing that your little sister, someone you love and cherish, said that about you? How would you feel? What do you think happened?

Now imagine the big sister later approaching her little sister about what she said. What do you think she is going to say?

It’s guaranteed she will say she didn’t mean it. 

Do you think she would say something similar again?

Absolutely. It’s almost a guarantee. She will say disparaging remarks and again, likely in different ways and regarding different situations.

The fact of the matter is, regardless of the denial and as unbelievable as it is to believe, it’s a clear sign that her little sister lacks empathy. Her selfish, cruel comment shows what little regard she has for her sister.

2. Here is another situation: They Lie or Deny

When you have in your life people that you trust and believe in and love more than any other lie to you, it can be disheartening. The outcome is immediate distrust and wondering what else have they lied about. Yes, there are those scenarios where family members lie to protect your feelings. But what about the blatant in your face lie to protect material and nonmaterial things such as money, or addiction, or their self-perceived image? How do you deal with that?

What happens when the one being lied to gets to a point where confrontation is necessary? Here is another guarantee: it doesn’t go well. Especially when the lie is one lie after another lie to distract from an initial lie. What happens in this situation is pandemonium. The siblings stop talking to each other, the one lying comes up with excuses or plays the blame game. I’ll talk about the blame game in a few minutes.

With this scenario, the sibling being lied to may see the solution of relenting and accepting the painful truth that a person he or she loves can inflict that kind of pain. Or choosing not to have anything to do with the sibling. 

3. Here is another toxic issue - They create conflict with other family member.

The best scenario is the “He said, she said” scenario. Still, another good one is “The, or she believes XYZ,” or he or she did XYZ. Being judged and look down upon is a hurtful event that you deal with and possibly brush aside when it’s coming from strangers or acquaintances, but when it comes from someone you love, that you are bound to by blood, it is heart wrenching. I gave a great example of being judged and looked down on in episode 2 on living an authentic life. 

However, with creating conflict, the scenarios are endless. Pitting family members against one another shows a few things, jealousy and resentment, being the ultimate examples. They are jealous of what you’ve accomplished or the life you lead. Then there is the opposite, where they believe they are better than you.

When a family member creates conflict, it can happen anywhere and anytime. It could be during a family conversation around a dinner table or at an event. For the sibling wanting to create conflict, the more people around, the better.

Here is something you should realize about this dynamic. It’s done to keep family members apart and not talk to each other. This is called triangulation, and a person who sows conflict has one agenda, not allowing family members to get close to each other. A person who creates conflict with this type of agenda is a narcissist. They thrive on drama and conflict and most likely do this with friends, spouse, even their children as well.

4. Another toxic example: they play the blame game

They did something wrong, said something wrong, made a mistake. Or we confront them about an issue. Instead of owning the issue and apologizing for it, they shift the blame to someone else, or something else. 

They also like to deflect by mentioning a shortcoming of the sibling confronting them.

The blame game happens a lot with siblings when they are young, but as adults, it is sad and seriously dysfunctional. The reality is an adult who does this has no regard for their choices and actions and the consequence of their choices and actions. Being responsible is not something they are fully familiar with, although they will tell themselves that they are responsible.

As an adult, and as part of a family, this can be painful for the person who is blaming and the one receiving the blame. This one scenario alone can cause family members to never speak with each other for decades.

5. Here is a final toxic example: They manipulate your emotions

With family, there has always been, and will always be, some manipulation. When young, it is used to convince each other to cover for each other. A party they want to go to, but don’t want their parents to find out about, not telling a secret. Again, a lot of scenarios exist for this one. 

But what about when you are an adult and the manipulations are impactful, really serious? Like, if a family member shares, they were abused. But the one family member they are trying to convince doesn’t believe because the abuser in his/or her mind is a wonderful person?

The manipulation happens when the family member goes about convincing his or her sibling that what they thought happened really didn’t happen. 

You were imagining it; you misunderstood what the person was saying or doing. Why didn’t you say something when it happened? Why now?  

I know this example opens the door to a really serious subject. Unfortunately, I know of two people who have experienced this same thing and had the same experience within their family.

In the end, truth is harder to handle than the reality, especially if it’s a mother, a father or any sibling who has to deal with the truth. 

This can be toxic in a family dynamic because family members exploit each other’s weaknesses and use it to make each other believe they didn’t experience what they experienced.

Their reasons are usually something like you have a tendency to… what? exaggerate, bend the truth? 

The emotional manipulation here is endless and sad. 

dare I say we should believe the victim if they tell you someone victimized them?

Okay, so I just shared five scenarios that many, many family members’ experiences. It’s easy to see how easily these events can be toxic or create unbelievable drama in a family dynamic. Now the question is, how do you deal?

I will start by saying that the solution for each example is unique for every family. You can’t apply the same solution to a family making insensitive remarks to the family who lies, blames and manipulates. However, there are general coping mechanisms you can use to soften the impact of family drama. I’m going to share a few of them.

Before I do, I wanted to invite Evolvers to visit Fullrliving.com. If you want to be motivated and inspired to live your best life, and if you like this podcast, then visiting the site and signing up for one of our newsletters may interest you. I would love your feedback and comments regarding the site because its focus is similar to this podcast.

Now, back to the topic. Here are the ways you can cope with family drama, no matter what kind it is.

The first one is to set clear boundaries.

When you know you are in a situation where nothing you say or do will matter, it is more damaging to you mentally if you choose to, as they say, to tough it out. This is where your values, your self-confidence, your belief in yourself come into play. 

Is that voice inside of you telling you to step back? Then listen to it. It is rarely wrong. If a family member lies to you again and again, if a family member says disparaging things about you, and cruel things to you, and treats you as if they are better than you. Do you brush it aside and say, oh that’s the way he or she is and move on? 

If you share with your sibling that you don’t like something he or she says or does and it continues, it’s time to set boundaries. When siblings or anyone treat you less than you deserve, then boundaries are a necessity.

What are those boundaries?

I think the most important boundary you can set is avoidance. Some people may say avoidance isn’t a solution. I say with family drama, sometimes there are no solutions, at least not an ideal one. Certainly not acceptance of infliction. Or the person giving it. 

You tried to share your pain with your sibling. But if you are a part of a family, you know that many times words are just not enough. And, if you love someone and sharing your feelings doesn’t work, then avoidance is the next best step. 

What do you get when you avoid?

• You avoid the onslaught of negative words.
• You avoid being looked down on.
• You avoid the emotional abuse.
• You avoid feeling bad about yourself each time you communicate with your sibling.

There are other types of boundaries other than avoidance.

• Not sharing personal information, 
• Demanding respect for your beliefs and choices, 
• Choosing when to socialize or not socialize.

The goal is to set an obvious line of what you will and will not tolerate when you want to subject yourself to the drama that happens each time you are around that person.

2. Another way to cope is to embrace who you are

At its core, self-acceptance is knowing deep down that you are perfect, just as you are. It’s accepting your strengths, your weaknesses and your vulnerabilities. How you feel about yourself is important in these scenarios because a sibling wanting to create conflict, thrive on highlighting your flaws and ignoring your strengths. When you embrace who you are, no one can use what they view as your vulnerabilities against you. You own the power.

3. Another way to cope: Adjust your expectation 

Being a part of a family unit, you don’t want to believe that certain members will do certain things and say certain things that are disingenuous, or cruel. You want to believe it was a mistake, a misunderstanding. When you have an expectation that they will come around, that any day now the phone will ring and there will be an “1’m sorry.” That usually never happens unless it is a genuine effort with no underlying motives. It’s up to you to change your expectation and accept that conditions may never change.

Here is something else to consider. Trying to change or reason with the sibling. You will quickly realize there is no reasoning with a toxic sibling. It is, in fact, one of the reason they are toxic. Again, it’s up to you to stay strong. Realize that you are not dealing with someone who is motivated by what’s good for you, nor will they think about your feelings. It’s always about them. You need to look out for you.

4. Another way to cope is to embrace one of the most powerful words in the English language or any language.

When you say no, you don’t need to justify, make excuses, lie, or explain. 

No is your protector, your guard, your champion, your preserver. With this one word, you can keep away or stay away from the destructive behavior of toxic siblings.

5. Finally, you can also cope by choosing to be in control and not be controlled.

What I mean by this is you need to make sure that what you say, what you do, happens from a position of personal power. Personal power is about what you believe and not what they think.

That is it. I am going to conclude this episode by sharing a few things. The first is, I know you know that there are many other ways to cope with toxic siblings. The ones I just mention are worth implementing, not because they are the best, but because they work.

I would also like to share that I was inspired to do this episode because of my personal experiences with this issue. We are all different and we handle conflicts differently. The one thing I will suggest that works well for me is embracing me and adjusting my expectations.

I realize that where family is concerned; we have this expectation because we know our family members most of our lives and we tell ourselves that we know them. The reality is we are all human and we change. Your brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, every member of your family change with time. They become the product of the environment they are in, whether it’s a new city, friends they make, spouses, money, lack of money, political beliefs, you name it, and your siblings as well as you are a product of those factors.

They can change for good, or they can change for bad, only you know because of your own personal values. Still, It’s up to you to adjust and accept.

Perhaps acceptance is avoidance, reducing expectations, accepting that your sibling is not the same person you used to know. Now they are toxic, they say cruel things, they lie, they manipulate.

It’s time for you to love from a distance, to remember your personal power and chose how or if you want to be exposed the harmful behavior of those you love.

Finally, I am going to end this episode with a quote from Steve Maraboli, a decorated military veteran and philanthropist. If you want to know more about him, a link to his bio is in the show notes. Here is what he had to say about drama. It’s easy to put the word family in front of the word drama in this quote. Here is the quote:

“The path to freedom is illuminated by the bridges you have burned, adorned by the ties you have cut, and cleared by the drama you have left behind. Let go. Be free.” 

Thanks for listening to this episode.

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See you next week evolvers for another episode of Evolving Life.