{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"startTime":39.472,"endTime":42.922,"body":"Good day, you fantastic"},{"startTime":39.472,"endTime":42.922,"body":"folks, here we go again."},{"startTime":42.952,"endTime":47.332,"body":"With yet another episode of Therapy"},{"startTime":42.952,"endTime":47.332,"body":"Natters, where two psychotherapists"},{"startTime":47.362,"endTime":50.001999999999995,"body":"natter away about therapy stuff."},{"startTime":50.302,"endTime":55.342,"body":"I'm Richard Nicholls and my partner"},{"startTime":50.302,"endTime":55.342,"body":"in crime, as always is Fiona Biddle."},{"startTime":55.402,"endTime":56.302,"body":"Hello, Fiona."},{"startTime":56.302,"endTime":56.662,"body":"How are tricks today?"},{"startTime":56.834,"endTime":57.604,"body":"Hi, Richard."},{"startTime":58.194,"endTime":58.873999999999995,"body":"Yeah, good."},{"startTime":59.074,"endTime":59.284,"body":"Good."},{"startTime":59.304,"endTime":59.824,"body":"It's sunny"},{"startTime":60.837,"endTime":61.147000000000006,"body":"Is it?"},{"startTime":61.784,"endTime":62.084,"body":"Oh, it's"},{"startTime":62.182,"endTime":62.722,"body":"No."},{"startTime":63.594,"endTime":64.108,"body":"Oh, lovely."},{"startTime":64.108,"endTime":65.914,"body":"Cold, but it's lovely and sunny."},{"startTime":66.332,"endTime":66.99199999999999,"body":"I got fog."},{"startTime":67.619,"endTime":71.87899999999999,"body":"I'm up on a hill, so maybe maybe it's just"},{"startTime":67.619,"endTime":71.87899999999999,"body":"the, the maybe I'm in the cla Well, yeah."},{"startTime":71.87899999999999,"endTime":73.811,"body":"Wait, is that what fog is really?"},{"startTime":74.731,"endTime":75.57900000000001,"body":"Yeah, of course it is."},{"startTime":75.57900000000001,"endTime":78.387,"body":"It's just a, a just ground cloud"},{"startTime":80.42699999999999,"endTime":81.507,"body":". Ground cloud."},{"startTime":81.616,"endTime":83.696,"body":"I like those words, they go well together."},{"startTime":83.696,"endTime":84.696,"body":"Ground cloud."},{"startTime":85.29599999999999,"endTime":86.226,"body":"I love words."},{"startTime":86.78800000000001,"endTime":88.178,"body":"Our words are lovely, aren't they?"},{"startTime":88.79599999999999,"endTime":90.536,"body":"I'd be, I'd be stuck without them."},{"startTime":90.636,"endTime":94.30600000000001,"body":"Certainly as a podcaster, I'd"},{"startTime":90.636,"endTime":94.30600000000001,"body":"be absolutely lost without them."},{"startTime":94.52600000000001,"endTime":98.80000000000001,"body":"But as a therapist, can"},{"startTime":94.52600000000001,"endTime":98.80000000000001,"body":"we work without words?"},{"startTime":101.35,"endTime":105.96000000000001,"body":"A part of me says yes, but a part of"},{"startTime":101.35,"endTime":105.96000000000001,"body":"me says, ooh, not in the same way."},{"startTime":106.56,"endTime":108.41,"body":"Can we do therapy without words?"},{"startTime":108.41999999999999,"endTime":112.63499999999999,"body":"I mean there's body psychotherapy,"},{"startTime":108.41999999999999,"endTime":112.63499999999999,"body":"but that's still Psychotherapy."},{"startTime":113.64599999999999,"endTime":118.476,"body":"I was talking to somebody the other"},{"startTime":113.64599999999999,"endTime":118.476,"body":"day about content free therapy, which"},{"startTime":118.476,"endTime":123.346,"body":"is, for those who don't know, it's"},{"startTime":118.476,"endTime":123.346,"body":"where the client isn't really telling"},{"startTime":123.346,"endTime":129.536,"body":"you  their story, but they will still be"},{"startTime":123.346,"endTime":129.536,"body":"using words to express their feelings,"},{"startTime":129.536,"endTime":134.9,"body":"they just  don't want or for whatever"},{"startTime":129.536,"endTime":134.9,"body":"reason can't, tell you what it's about."},{"startTime":135.89,"endTime":138.56,"body":"But we always say we don't"},{"startTime":135.89,"endTime":138.56,"body":"really need the about anyway."},{"startTime":138.56,"endTime":140.15,"body":"We want the feelings."},{"startTime":140.19,"endTime":140.45,"body":"We"},{"startTime":140.64,"endTime":143.12,"body":"want the process, not the story."},{"startTime":143.269,"endTime":143.949,"body":"Absolutely."},{"startTime":144.179,"endTime":147.649,"body":"Sometimes the story might"},{"startTime":144.179,"endTime":147.649,"body":"be so overwhelming that it"},{"startTime":147.649,"endTime":149.039,"body":"sets their therapy back."},{"startTime":149.371,"endTime":150.751,"body":"it can really get in the way."},{"startTime":150.929,"endTime":151.131,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":151.229,"endTime":155.251,"body":"Yeah, like we use things like"},{"startTime":151.229,"endTime":155.251,"body":"EMDR, bilateral stimulation,"},{"startTime":156.121,"endTime":158.68099999999998,"body":"just just sit with the thought."},{"startTime":158.921,"endTime":161.391,"body":"You don't need to tell me about it,"},{"startTime":158.921,"endTime":161.391,"body":"you just need to have it in mind."},{"startTime":161.87099999999998,"endTime":163.851,"body":"And we'll work with it,"},{"startTime":161.87099999999998,"endTime":163.851,"body":"and we'll deal with it."},{"startTime":164.51399999999998,"endTime":168.01399999999998,"body":"We teach emotional regulation"},{"startTime":164.51399999999998,"endTime":168.01399999999998,"body":"skills and we bring it down."},{"startTime":169.754,"endTime":171.70399999999998,"body":"And I quite like doing that."},{"startTime":171.76399999999998,"endTime":178.32399999999998,"body":"It's always a surprise to clients"},{"startTime":171.76399999999998,"endTime":178.32399999999998,"body":"when, after doing some work like that,"},{"startTime":178.474,"endTime":183.084,"body":"the next session they'll come in and"},{"startTime":178.474,"endTime":183.084,"body":"they'll talk about, they will maybe"},{"startTime":183.434,"endTime":186.584,"body":"go into the story a little bit and you"},{"startTime":183.434,"endTime":186.584,"body":"can see the look on their faces as if"},{"startTime":186.584,"endTime":190.644,"body":"to go, Oh, that's just a thought now."},{"startTime":190.894,"endTime":192.04399999999998,"body":"That's just a memory now."},{"startTime":192.04399999999998,"endTime":195.29399999999998,"body":"That doesn't have any emotion behind it."},{"startTime":195.304,"endTime":196.654,"body":"It's just something that happened."},{"startTime":197.184,"endTime":200.76399999999998,"body":"And there's almost a quizzical, well,"},{"startTime":197.184,"endTime":200.76399999999998,"body":"I've had this problem for years and"},{"startTime":200.76399999999998,"endTime":202.95399999999998,"body":"I've just overcome it just like that."},{"startTime":203.614,"endTime":205.134,"body":"No, it wasn't just like that."},{"startTime":205.154,"endTime":207.994,"body":"It was six months of emotional"},{"startTime":205.154,"endTime":207.994,"body":"regulation training first, you know."},{"startTime":209.656,"endTime":209.896,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":209.896,"endTime":215.256,"body":"And some clients can't easily get the"},{"startTime":209.896,"endTime":215.256,"body":"fact that we don't need the story."},{"startTime":215.771,"endTime":219.69799999999998,"body":"so that has to be got through"},{"startTime":215.771,"endTime":219.69799999999998,"body":"before they can really get there."},{"startTime":220.048,"endTime":222.50799999999998,"body":"They think you must need"},{"startTime":220.048,"endTime":222.50799999999998,"body":"to know what happened."},{"startTime":222.917,"endTime":224.757,"body":"and I think some"},{"startTime":222.917,"endTime":224.757,"body":"therapists think that too."},{"startTime":225.68699999999998,"endTime":226.962,"body":"If you can't, uh,"},{"startTime":226.962,"endTime":229.757,"body":"yeah, if you can't actually"},{"startTime":226.962,"endTime":229.757,"body":"tell me what's, what's going on"},{"startTime":229.757,"endTime":230.787,"body":"for you, then I can't help you."},{"startTime":231.527,"endTime":232.457,"body":"Oh, yeah, you can."},{"startTime":232.917,"endTime":233.15699999999998,"body":"Whoa."},{"startTime":235.042,"endTime":239.404,"body":"I overheard a therapist talking"},{"startTime":235.042,"endTime":239.404,"body":"about how upset they were at the"},{"startTime":239.404,"endTime":242.013,"body":"idea that they might have damaged"},{"startTime":239.404,"endTime":242.013,"body":"people early on in their career."},{"startTime":243.015,"endTime":245.665,"body":"Because in theory, yeah,"},{"startTime":243.015,"endTime":245.665,"body":"they might have done."},{"startTime":245.665,"endTime":248.641,"body":"They might have set somebody's,"},{"startTime":245.665,"endTime":248.641,"body":"therapy back a little bit by asking"},{"startTime":248.641,"endTime":250.114,"body":"them to go too deep, too quick."},{"startTime":250.334,"endTime":251.861,"body":"Because they weren't experienced."},{"startTime":251.87099999999998,"endTime":252.821,"body":"They didn't know."},{"startTime":253.441,"endTime":254.12099999999998,"body":"They think, oh."},{"startTime":254.87099999999998,"endTime":256.021,"body":"That's a training issue."},{"startTime":256.341,"endTime":259.922,"body":"But, and this is what was brought"},{"startTime":256.341,"endTime":259.922,"body":"up in the group, that a lot of"},{"startTime":259.922,"endTime":262.012,"body":"psychotherapists aren't trauma trained."},{"startTime":262.487,"endTime":263.297,"body":"In their training."},{"startTime":263.628,"endTime":267.13100000000003,"body":"they're not, and  you never know"},{"startTime":263.628,"endTime":267.13100000000003,"body":"what a client's going to bring."},{"startTime":267.56100000000004,"endTime":271.321,"body":"They might say that they're coming, you"},{"startTime":267.56100000000004,"endTime":271.321,"body":"know, when they send you an email or they"},{"startTime":271.321,"endTime":275.591,"body":"call you on the phone, you ask something"},{"startTime":271.321,"endTime":275.591,"body":"about what it's about to make sure that"},{"startTime":275.591,"endTime":278.894,"body":"you can work with them, but they don't"},{"startTime":275.591,"endTime":278.894,"body":"tend to tell you the whole picture then."},{"startTime":279.248,"endTime":283.818,"body":"They quite often wait till they"},{"startTime":279.248,"endTime":283.818,"body":"check it out if they can trust you,"},{"startTime":284.081,"endTime":284.721,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":284.82800000000003,"endTime":285.548,"body":"the whole picture."},{"startTime":285.548,"endTime":290.176,"body":"So clients can be bringing all"},{"startTime":285.548,"endTime":290.176,"body":"sorts of things that you're not"},{"startTime":290.276,"endTime":292.276,"body":"actually qualified to work with."},{"startTime":292.716,"endTime":293.455,"body":"§ deal with that."},{"startTime":294.016,"endTime":294.346,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":294.406,"endTime":299.098,"body":"And whether that's just good supervision,"},{"startTime":294.406,"endTime":299.098,"body":"or it's having that ability to go"},{"startTime":299.658,"endTime":303.418,"body":"this is so far outside of my scope of"},{"startTime":299.658,"endTime":303.418,"body":"competence I need to refer this person on."},{"startTime":303.64799999999997,"endTime":305.348,"body":"But that might be a rejection to them."},{"startTime":305.358,"endTime":309.418,"body":"Because they've plucked up the courage"},{"startTime":305.358,"endTime":309.418,"body":"after maybe even months of therapy to go"},{"startTime":309.418,"endTime":311.028,"body":"right, this is the real reason I'm here."},{"startTime":311.218,"endTime":312.928,"body":"Now that I've built a"},{"startTime":311.218,"endTime":312.928,"body":"relationship with you."},{"startTime":313.14799999999997,"endTime":315.168,"body":"And you go, Oh, in that"},{"startTime":313.14799999999997,"endTime":315.168,"body":"case I can't help you."},{"startTime":315.758,"endTime":316.688,"body":"Can't work with that."},{"startTime":316.86899999999997,"endTime":317.799,"body":"work with you, go away."},{"startTime":317.829,"endTime":318.439,"body":"No, yeah,"},{"startTime":318.52299999999997,"endTime":320.103,"body":"No,  you're you're broken."},{"startTime":320.113,"endTime":321.053,"body":"You're damaged goods."},{"startTime":321.063,"endTime":323.263,"body":"Get out."},{"startTime":324.917,"endTime":331.997,"body":"Part of the training of a therapist"},{"startTime":324.917,"endTime":331.997,"body":"has to be how to react, how to respond"},{"startTime":332.611,"endTime":338.671,"body":"when something comes up that you're"},{"startTime":332.611,"endTime":338.671,"body":"not expecting and how to, how to deal,"},{"startTime":339.598,"endTime":343.274,"body":"But not, saying, well I can't reject"},{"startTime":339.598,"endTime":343.274,"body":"this person because they've got a problem"},{"startTime":343.274,"endTime":346.414,"body":"with rejection therefore I've got to keep"},{"startTime":343.274,"endTime":346.414,"body":"them on and I've got to work with it."},{"startTime":346.424,"endTime":347.714,"body":"No, that's not going to be a good"},{"startTime":347.817,"endTime":348.352,"body":"yeah, that's"},{"startTime":348.352,"endTime":348.577,"body":"right."},{"startTime":349.004,"endTime":351.904,"body":"We know from so much research over"},{"startTime":349.004,"endTime":351.904,"body":"the last 50 years that the biggest"},{"startTime":351.904,"endTime":355.894,"body":"component to somebody doing well in"},{"startTime":351.904,"endTime":355.894,"body":"therapy is that you've got a good"},{"startTime":355.894,"endTime":357.87399999999997,"body":"relationship with your therapist."},{"startTime":358.464,"endTime":363.254,"body":"And it's that interaction that needs"},{"startTime":358.464,"endTime":363.254,"body":"to be the focus for a lot of people."},{"startTime":363.703,"endTime":365.75,"body":"Because we're social creatures."},{"startTime":366.75,"endTime":372.46999999999997,"body":"Everything, pretty much, is about"},{"startTime":366.75,"endTime":372.46999999999997,"body":"that back and forth between people."},{"startTime":373.068,"endTime":375.557,"body":"That is what makes us"},{"startTime":373.068,"endTime":375.557,"body":"feel good or feel bad."},{"startTime":376.236,"endTime":380.234,"body":"It's a bit reductionist, I suppose,"},{"startTime":376.236,"endTime":380.234,"body":"but I think that is at the foundation"},{"startTime":380.234,"endTime":382.49399999999997,"body":"of a lot of people's issues."},{"startTime":382.794,"endTime":386.235,"body":"Yes, I mean that word, reductionist,"},{"startTime":382.794,"endTime":386.235,"body":"tends to be used as a negative but,"},{"startTime":386.298,"endTime":389.617,"body":"getting down to the nitty gritty,"},{"startTime":386.298,"endTime":389.617,"body":"surely that's a good thing isn't it?"},{"startTime":390.18399999999997,"endTime":395.394,"body":"One of the things that I say most as a"},{"startTime":390.18399999999997,"endTime":395.394,"body":"supervisor, to my supervisees when they're"},{"startTime":395.731,"endTime":399.221,"body":"talking about such things as they don't"},{"startTime":395.731,"endTime":399.221,"body":"quite know what to do or how to handle"},{"startTime":399.221,"endTime":401.811,"body":"a particular situation with the client."},{"startTime":402.161,"endTime":404.731,"body":"I say, have you spoken to them about it?"},{"startTime":406.209,"endTime":407.009,"body":"Wow."},{"startTime":407.171,"endTime":409.291,"body":"often they go Well, no."},{"startTime":410.171,"endTime":411.841,"body":"I say, well, talk to them about it."},{"startTime":412.471,"endTime":412.871,"body":"Get their"},{"startTime":413.069,"endTime":413.681,"body":"perspective."},{"startTime":414.195,"endTime":414.515,"body":"Mm,"},{"startTime":414.577,"endTime":420.581,"body":"And if you've got the relationship set"},{"startTime":414.577,"endTime":420.581,"body":"up, then let's say they bring up something"},{"startTime":420.581,"endTime":422.411,"body":"that you're not qualified to work with."},{"startTime":422.82099999999997,"endTime":427.091,"body":"Let's say it was a PTSD situation or"},{"startTime":422.82099999999997,"endTime":427.091,"body":"something, and the therapist didn't"},{"startTime":427.091,"endTime":428.411,"body":"have training to work with PTSD."},{"startTime":428.681,"endTime":429.681,"body":"They bring this up."},{"startTime":429.941,"endTime":434.081,"body":"If you've got the good relationship, you"},{"startTime":429.941,"endTime":434.081,"body":"can talk to them about the fact that you"},{"startTime":434.081,"endTime":435.501,"body":"haven't got training to work with it."},{"startTime":435.859,"endTime":436.089,"body":"mm,"},{"startTime":436.527,"endTime":440.10699999999997,"body":"and how could that possibly"},{"startTime":436.527,"endTime":440.10699999999997,"body":"be actually a rejection?"},{"startTime":440.735,"endTime":443.981,"body":"It's not because you"},{"startTime":440.735,"endTime":443.981,"body":"just don't have training,"},{"startTime":444.699,"endTime":444.989,"body":"mm."},{"startTime":445.47499999999997,"endTime":445.825,"body":"So,"},{"startTime":446.355,"endTime":447.485,"body":"You talk to them."},{"startTime":447.893,"endTime":449.853,"body":"Mm. And vice versa."},{"startTime":450.503,"endTime":451.553,"body":"So many times."},{"startTime":452.063,"endTime":457.473,"body":"I'll, see questions on forums that"},{"startTime":452.063,"endTime":457.473,"body":"people will be asking about therapy."},{"startTime":458.08299999999997,"endTime":463.346,"body":"And the answer is almost always"},{"startTime":458.08299999999997,"endTime":463.346,"body":"underneath that, which is, you should"},{"startTime":463.346,"endTime":464.586,"body":"speak to your therapist about that."},{"startTime":465.328,"endTime":466.068,"body":"That's the answer."},{"startTime":466.078,"endTime":469.267,"body":"And a good therapist will listen"},{"startTime":466.078,"endTime":469.267,"body":"to whatever it is that query is."},{"startTime":469.626,"endTime":471.27,"body":"Because, that's the secret."},{"startTime":471.34,"endTime":472.37,"body":"Communication."},{"startTime":472.42,"endTime":474.53,"body":"Respectful communication."},{"startTime":474.935,"endTime":476.495,"body":"It makes the world go round."},{"startTime":476.59499999999997,"endTime":477.395,"body":"It really does."},{"startTime":478.133,"endTime":482.933,"body":"But if there's two ways to take"},{"startTime":478.133,"endTime":482.933,"body":"something from somebody, and one way"},{"startTime":482.933,"endTime":487.111,"body":"makes you feel bad, and one makes"},{"startTime":482.933,"endTime":487.111,"body":"you feel okay, We can probably assume"},{"startTime":487.111,"endTime":490.061,"body":"that the way the person meant was the"},{"startTime":487.111,"endTime":490.061,"body":"one that was to make you feel okay."},{"startTime":490.643,"endTime":496.413,"body":"Yes and if somebody is setting out to"},{"startTime":490.643,"endTime":496.413,"body":"not be nice to you, to you, then should"},{"startTime":496.413,"endTime":498.183,"body":"they really be given the power to do so?"},{"startTime":500.673,"endTime":502.77299999999997,"body":"No, if it's, absolutely."},{"startTime":502.847,"endTime":507.407,"body":"if something that somebody said"},{"startTime":502.847,"endTime":507.407,"body":"is designed to hurt, then there"},{"startTime":507.407,"endTime":508.787,"body":"is no need for it to hurt."},{"startTime":509.23,"endTime":512.19,"body":"Yeah, it's like somebody throwing"},{"startTime":509.23,"endTime":512.19,"body":"a cricket ball at you, but you"},{"startTime":512.19,"endTime":515.11,"body":"see it coming, you know, you've"},{"startTime":512.19,"endTime":515.11,"body":"got chance to step out of the way."},{"startTime":515.52,"endTime":516.7900000000001,"body":"I'm not going to get hit by that."},{"startTime":516.9200000000001,"endTime":518.07,"body":"You, you threw that."},{"startTime":519.4200000000001,"endTime":520.4200000000001,"body":"That's not on me."},{"startTime":520.78,"endTime":523.7900000000001,"body":"And you just look at it on the floor"},{"startTime":520.78,"endTime":523.7900000000001,"body":"and go, is that your cricket ball?"},{"startTime":524.59,"endTime":525.72,"body":"Because I'm not picking it up."},{"startTime":528.07,"endTime":530.081,"body":"I wish it was easier done than said."},{"startTime":530.7810000000001,"endTime":531.481,"body":"That's the thing."},{"startTime":532.0210000000001,"endTime":535.6510000000001,"body":"But everything starts with conscious"},{"startTime":532.0210000000001,"endTime":535.6510000000001,"body":"awareness until it becomes a skill."},{"startTime":536.288,"endTime":542.508,"body":"Indeed, and yes, of course, sometimes"},{"startTime":536.288,"endTime":542.508,"body":"those cricket balls do land and"},{"startTime":542.508,"endTime":548.878,"body":"then they hurt, but then can pick"},{"startTime":542.508,"endTime":548.878,"body":"that ball up from the ground and, I"},{"startTime":548.878,"endTime":551.3480000000001,"body":"was going to say throw it back now,"},{"startTime":548.878,"endTime":551.3480000000001,"body":"not throw it back, give it back."},{"startTime":552.013,"endTime":553.793,"body":"And say, this is yours."},{"startTime":555.221,"endTime":555.6510000000001,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":555.8570000000001,"endTime":557.427,"body":"This is your stuff, not mine."},{"startTime":557.589,"endTime":560.1990000000001,"body":"then the healing will be that much better."},{"startTime":560.1990000000001,"endTime":562.7,"body":"Because there was no reason for"},{"startTime":560.1990000000001,"endTime":562.7,"body":"it to hit in the first place."},{"startTime":563.109,"endTime":564.279,"body":"Yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":564.873,"endTime":569.9670000000001,"body":"And that's the underlying principles"},{"startTime":564.873,"endTime":569.9670000000001,"body":"with Transactional Analysis, isn't it?"},{"startTime":569.9770000000001,"endTime":575.9580000000001,"body":"That it's all about the transactions"},{"startTime":569.9770000000001,"endTime":575.9580000000001,"body":"in relationships with people, back and"},{"startTime":575.9580000000001,"endTime":576.378,"body":"forth."},{"startTime":576.6790000000001,"endTime":576.9190000000001,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":576.999,"endTime":578.749,"body":"And that's what we want to"},{"startTime":576.999,"endTime":578.749,"body":"talk a little bit about today."},{"startTime":578.8710000000001,"endTime":579.389,"body":"It is."},{"startTime":580.0490000000001,"endTime":584.481,"body":"We've talked about TA before And"},{"startTime":580.0490000000001,"endTime":584.481,"body":"mentioned that it's full of jargon."},{"startTime":584.481,"endTime":586.822,"body":"And they call this the stroke economy."},{"startTime":587.2330000000001,"endTime":591.523,"body":"A stroke, in this context, is"},{"startTime":587.2330000000001,"endTime":591.523,"body":"a unit of social recognition."},{"startTime":591.533,"endTime":596.577,"body":"So, for example, if you see a colleague"},{"startTime":591.533,"endTime":596.577,"body":"walking along the corridor and you say"},{"startTime":596.577,"endTime":599.017,"body":"good morning, you've delivered a stroke."},{"startTime":599.8770000000001,"endTime":607.2470000000001,"body":"So then if a salesperson in Curry's"},{"startTime":599.8770000000001,"endTime":607.2470000000001,"body":"smiles at you, they've given you a stroke."},{"startTime":608.7570000000001,"endTime":612.556,"body":"So this happens constantly,  all"},{"startTime":608.7570000000001,"endTime":612.556,"body":"the time, because it's social"},{"startTime":612.9960000000001,"endTime":617.5540000000001,"body":"interaction, social recognition, but"},{"startTime":612.9960000000001,"endTime":617.5540000000001,"body":"they can be positive or negative."},{"startTime":617.594,"endTime":618.863,"body":"So those examples are positive."},{"startTime":619.753,"endTime":625.4200000000001,"body":"But if  your colleague, as you've"},{"startTime":619.753,"endTime":625.4200000000001,"body":"said Good morning, they huff, walk"},{"startTime":625.4200000000001,"endTime":628.253,"body":"past you, and don't say anything."},{"startTime":628.3430000000001,"endTime":629.6930000000001,"body":"That's a negative stroke."},{"startTime":631.471,"endTime":637.0680000000001,"body":"And if you ignored that smile of"},{"startTime":631.471,"endTime":637.0680000000001,"body":"the salesperson and simply asked."},{"startTime":637.5780000000001,"endTime":638.6980000000001,"body":"Where are the iPads?"},{"startTime":639.081,"endTime":642.8610000000001,"body":"That would be a negative stroke that you"},{"startTime":639.081,"endTime":642.8610000000001,"body":"were giving back to that salesperson."},{"startTime":643.975,"endTime":644.495,"body":"See what I mean?"},{"startTime":645.445,"endTime":646.1350000000001,"body":"Sort of the complimentary"},{"startTime":647.181,"endTime":648.609,"body":"idea of these things."},{"startTime":648.9190000000001,"endTime":655.339,"body":"And the word economy comes in  in terms of"},{"startTime":648.9190000000001,"endTime":655.339,"body":"the fact that we we want to at least have"},{"startTime":655.339,"endTime":659.6590000000001,"body":"a neutral balance in our stroke  bank."},{"startTime":659.859,"endTime":661.557,"body":"So the same in, same out."},{"startTime":661.855,"endTime":665.089,"body":"We want it to be at least"},{"startTime":661.855,"endTime":665.089,"body":"neutral that we're not giving"},{"startTime":665.089,"endTime":666.9390000000001,"body":"out more than we're getting in."},{"startTime":667.5310000000001,"endTime":670.315,"body":"Let's take that first example"},{"startTime":667.5310000000001,"endTime":670.315,"body":"just that little bit further."},{"startTime":670.907,"endTime":675.1170000000001,"body":"if you say Good morning to your"},{"startTime":670.907,"endTime":675.1170000000001,"body":"colleague and they say Morning."},{"startTime":676.072,"endTime":677.4620000000001,"body":"You carry on, it's one all."},{"startTime":679.0020000000001,"endTime":681.202,"body":"If you say, Good morning, how are you?"},{"startTime":681.7620000000001,"endTime":683.282,"body":"And they say, Good morning."},{"startTime":683.856,"endTime":684.3960000000001,"body":"And walk on."},{"startTime":684.9860000000001,"endTime":685.796,"body":"You're one down."},{"startTime":686.556,"endTime":688.716,"body":"you've given two, and they've given one."},{"startTime":689.4540000000001,"endTime":690.004,"body":"Mmm,"},{"startTime":690.734,"endTime":690.974,"body":"yeah."},{"startTime":692.0060000000001,"endTime":697.6360000000001,"body":"Not suggesting that in general"},{"startTime":692.0060000000001,"endTime":697.6360000000001,"body":"life, we count our strokes."},{"startTime":698.336,"endTime":699.936,"body":"Don't have a, there's not a little app"},{"startTime":700.106,"endTime":700.7660000000001,"body":"a tally."},{"startTime":700.9860000000001,"endTime":705.8860000000001,"body":"on your phone to log all the strokes"},{"startTime":700.9860000000001,"endTime":705.8860000000001,"body":"you get and the ones that you give."},{"startTime":706.416,"endTime":712.176,"body":"This is about a general feeling"},{"startTime":706.416,"endTime":712.176,"body":"that you get  as to where you are."},{"startTime":712.6460000000001,"endTime":719.984,"body":"And, I guess that feeling is you"},{"startTime":712.6460000000001,"endTime":719.984,"body":"feel okay if your economy is okay."},{"startTime":720.654,"endTime":723.5340000000001,"body":"If you're in deficit,"},{"startTime":720.654,"endTime":723.5340000000001,"body":"you don't feel so good."},{"startTime":724.671,"endTime":728.2520000000001,"body":"And if you've given a lot, you"},{"startTime":724.671,"endTime":728.2520000000001,"body":"can feel good for giving a lot."},{"startTime":728.332,"endTime":733.171,"body":"But if you haven't got back,"},{"startTime":728.332,"endTime":733.171,"body":"then it's not gonna feel so nice."},{"startTime":734.4620000000001,"endTime":734.542,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":734.542,"endTime":743.207,"body":"I wonder if there's a way of when you give"},{"startTime":734.542,"endTime":743.207,"body":"a stroke To feel some benefit from it."},{"startTime":743.3670000000001,"endTime":745.817,"body":"So that you can feel as if you're"},{"startTime":743.3670000000001,"endTime":745.817,"body":"getting one even when you're not."},{"startTime":746.152,"endTime":751.35,"body":"To know, I've added to that"},{"startTime":746.152,"endTime":751.35,"body":"person's strokes list today."},{"startTime":751.9820000000001,"endTime":757.922,"body":"You can choose to give more strokes and,"},{"startTime":751.9820000000001,"endTime":757.922,"body":"you know, make people's days better."},{"startTime":758.6510000000001,"endTime":761.5110000000001,"body":"Yeah, I'm just thinking about putting"},{"startTime":758.6510000000001,"endTime":761.5110000000001,"body":"a little post it note on a bus."},{"startTime":761.8710000000001,"endTime":763.961,"body":"Just with a smiley face"},{"startTime":761.8710000000001,"endTime":763.961,"body":"on it for somebody to see."},{"startTime":764.7510000000001,"endTime":766.311,"body":"On the seat in front of you on the bus."},{"startTime":766.571,"endTime":769.5310000000001,"body":"So you get off and the next person gets on"},{"startTime":766.571,"endTime":769.5310000000001,"body":"and goes, Oh, there's a little smiley face"},{"startTime":769.5310000000001,"endTime":770.791,"body":"on a post it note on the seat in front."},{"startTime":771.231,"endTime":771.971,"body":"That's quite nice."},{"startTime":772.596,"endTime":777.2090000000001,"body":"But you're getting nothing back from that"},{"startTime":772.596,"endTime":777.2090000000001,"body":"other than that little bit of feeling that"},{"startTime":777.259,"endTime":778.269,"body":"I've made somebody smile."},{"startTime":778.681,"endTime":782.042,"body":"But, you know, you can give strokes"},{"startTime":778.681,"endTime":782.042,"body":"just thinking of getting on a bus."},{"startTime":782.432,"endTime":785.577,"body":"You can say Thank you to the driver"},{"startTime":786.59,"endTime":786.96,"body":"Yeah"},{"startTime":786.96,"endTime":788.1320000000001,"body":"more likely when you get off."},{"startTime":788.4010000000001,"endTime":792.099,"body":"You can smile at people    even"},{"startTime":788.4010000000001,"endTime":792.099,"body":"in London, you know, you"},{"startTime":792.197,"endTime":792.527,"body":"Well,"},{"startTime":792.739,"endTime":793.019,"body":"do"},{"startTime":793.5590000000001,"endTime":796.307,"body":"I was just thinking that because"},{"startTime":793.5590000000001,"endTime":796.307,"body":"I need to buy some train tickets."},{"startTime":796.654,"endTime":800.904,"body":"Dawn wants to go to the Tim Burton"},{"startTime":796.654,"endTime":800.904,"body":"experience because she likes Tim Burton."},{"startTime":800.984,"endTime":802.4140000000001,"body":"So we're gonna go and"},{"startTime":800.984,"endTime":802.4140000000001,"body":"see that be quite good"},{"startTime":802.898,"endTime":807.678,"body":"What I'm gonna do, I'm gonna get a post"},{"startTime":802.898,"endTime":807.678,"body":"it note, and I'm gonna write, Do not"},{"startTime":807.6980000000001,"endTime":810.4580000000001,"body":"look on the reverse of this post it note."},{"startTime":810.628,"endTime":812.128,"body":"And I'm gonna stick it somewhere."},{"startTime":812.618,"endTime":817.5680000000001,"body":"And on the other side of the post it note,"},{"startTime":812.618,"endTime":817.5680000000001,"body":"I'm gonna write, You rebel, I like you."},{"startTime":820.638,"endTime":822.5200000000001,"body":"I'm gonna do that, because that's funny."},{"startTime":823.11,"endTime":825.0200000000001,"body":"I like that and it'll make people smile."},{"startTime":825.3580000000001,"endTime":826.118,"body":"Won't it?"},{"startTime":826.5,"endTime":827.2900000000001,"body":"so great."},{"startTime":827.44,"endTime":828.6500000000001,"body":"Yeah Um,"},{"startTime":828.873,"endTime":831.5630000000001,"body":"I'm, I'm, I'm chortling to myself now."},{"startTime":831.763,"endTime":833.143,"body":"And no one's even seen it yet."},{"startTime":834.148,"endTime":838.125,"body":"One that I've done a few times is"},{"startTime":834.148,"endTime":838.125,"body":"left the pound coin in the trolley."},{"startTime":839.423,"endTime":840.413,"body":"Oh what a lovely thing to do."},{"startTime":840.7130000000001,"endTime":840.9730000000001,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":841.4150000000001,"endTime":844.855,"body":"Just think that whoever"},{"startTime":841.4150000000001,"endTime":844.855,"body":"gets there next, they go Oh!"},{"startTime":845.595,"endTime":846.495,"body":"I've got a pound!"},{"startTime":847.543,"endTime":847.8130000000001,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":848.3710000000001,"endTime":850.8610000000001,"body":"So that's a, that's a nice"},{"startTime":848.3710000000001,"endTime":850.8610000000001,"body":"one, but most of the time"},{"startTime":850.8610000000001,"endTime":851.961,"body":"you'd be doing it deliberately."},{"startTime":851.961,"endTime":854.721,"body":"So going back to the smiling at"},{"startTime":851.961,"endTime":854.721,"body":"people on trains, you can do it."},{"startTime":854.9010000000001,"endTime":856.441,"body":"You can smile at people in the street."},{"startTime":856.8180000000001,"endTime":861.695,"body":"I mean, pick your time and place, but"},{"startTime":856.8180000000001,"endTime":861.695,"body":"generally, even London, you can do it."},{"startTime":862.0580000000001,"endTime":863.158,"body":"You can talk to people."},{"startTime":863.428,"endTime":864.398,"body":"It's all right."},{"startTime":865.0880000000001,"endTime":867.898,"body":"If they don't give you"},{"startTime":865.0880000000001,"endTime":867.898,"body":"a stroke back, so what?"},{"startTime":868.138,"endTime":869.388,"body":"That's not what you're doing it for."},{"startTime":869.388,"endTime":870.7280000000001,"body":"You're doing it to give out"},{"startTime":871.3960000000001,"endTime":871.686,"body":"Mm,"},{"startTime":872.0010000000001,"endTime":876.399,"body":"One particular thing to be"},{"startTime":872.0010000000001,"endTime":876.399,"body":"wary of is fake strokes or"},{"startTime":876.8960000000001,"endTime":881.956,"body":"counterfeit strokes is the phrase that"},{"startTime":876.8960000000001,"endTime":881.956,"body":"they use and this is a lovely jargony bit."},{"startTime":882.306,"endTime":884.836,"body":"They call  the process,"},{"startTime":882.306,"endTime":884.836,"body":"marshmallow throwing"},{"startTime":885.423,"endTime":886.255,"body":"because"},{"startTime":886.455,"endTime":887.8050000000001,"body":"they're so soft."},{"startTime":887.8050000000001,"endTime":888.1550000000001,"body":"And"},{"startTime":889.719,"endTime":890.6850000000001,"body":"Why marshmallow?"},{"startTime":891.1220000000001,"endTime":892.4620000000001,"body":"oh goodness knows they're American."},{"startTime":893.009,"endTime":896.452,"body":"It doesn't have the effect"},{"startTime":893.009,"endTime":896.452,"body":"that it was intended to have."},{"startTime":896.792,"endTime":902.1560000000001,"body":"So, the example that I read on this"},{"startTime":896.792,"endTime":902.1560000000001,"body":"was in the creative arts where lovies"},{"startTime":902.416,"endTime":904.316,"body":"flamboyantly throw out compliments."},{"startTime":904.926,"endTime":907.0260000000001,"body":"When it's obvious that"},{"startTime":904.926,"endTime":907.0260000000001,"body":"they're not genuine."},{"startTime":907.479,"endTime":914.5780000000001,"body":"So that's something to watch out for that"},{"startTime":907.479,"endTime":914.5780000000001,"body":"any strokes you're getting are genuine."},{"startTime":915.258,"endTime":918.5350000000001,"body":"So the idea of salesman came to mind then."},{"startTime":918.5450000000001,"endTime":924.918,"body":"How often you do get salespeople"},{"startTime":918.5450000000001,"endTime":924.918,"body":"who give you fake strokes."},{"startTime":925.6880000000001,"endTime":927.998,"body":"Of Oh you're a very discerning buyer."},{"startTime":929.023,"endTime":929.2330000000001,"body":"no"},{"startTime":929.3710000000001,"endTime":929.701,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":929.7330000000001,"endTime":933.543,"body":"that's, that's a fake stroke as"},{"startTime":929.7330000000001,"endTime":933.543,"body":"counterfeit marshmallow throwing."},{"startTime":934.2410000000001,"endTime":934.7810000000001,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":934.993,"endTime":939.999,"body":"So watch out for that, but also the"},{"startTime":934.993,"endTime":939.999,"body":"other side of it is not to presume"},{"startTime":939.999,"endTime":941.1590000000001,"body":"that something's counterfeit."},{"startTime":941.5350000000001,"endTime":941.5450000000001,"body":"Hmm."},{"startTime":941.692,"endTime":943.182,"body":"because of your own process."},{"startTime":943.815,"endTime":946.8850000000001,"body":"Yes, because we don't know"},{"startTime":943.815,"endTime":946.8850000000001,"body":"somebody else's social skills."},{"startTime":948.705,"endTime":949.725,"body":"We really don't."},{"startTime":949.802,"endTime":950.582,"body":"could be either way."},{"startTime":950.5920000000001,"endTime":953.7220000000001,"body":"It could be that, that you get"},{"startTime":950.5920000000001,"endTime":953.7220000000001,"body":"something that you feel isn't"},{"startTime":953.7220000000001,"endTime":955.392,"body":"genuine because of your stuff."},{"startTime":955.7120000000001,"endTime":961.096,"body":"So my mother, if she got a compliment"},{"startTime":955.7120000000001,"endTime":961.096,"body":"for her cooking, she would feel that"},{"startTime":961.096,"endTime":965.899,"body":"that was a marshmallow because she"},{"startTime":961.096,"endTime":965.899,"body":"just didn't have the confidence."},{"startTime":965.9090000000001,"endTime":967.3190000000001,"body":"So she thought people"},{"startTime":965.9090000000001,"endTime":967.3190000000001,"body":"were just being nice."},{"startTime":967.359,"endTime":972.005,"body":"Oh, they're just being nice, rather"},{"startTime":967.359,"endTime":972.005,"body":"than taking it as a genuine  compliment."},{"startTime":972.6560000000001,"endTime":975.1160000000001,"body":"And I see that in therapy"},{"startTime":972.6560000000001,"endTime":975.1160000000001,"body":"a little bit as well."},{"startTime":975.1260000000001,"endTime":980.0060000000001,"body":"That once we've got a good relationship,"},{"startTime":975.1260000000001,"endTime":980.0060000000001,"body":"a client will say, because they feel"},{"startTime":980.0060000000001,"endTime":985.614,"body":"vulnerable enough, or close enough,"},{"startTime":980.0060000000001,"endTime":985.614,"body":"and they're torn because they think a"},{"startTime":985.614,"endTime":989.384,"body":"little bit, well the only reason you're"},{"startTime":985.614,"endTime":989.384,"body":"saying that is because I'm paying you."},{"startTime":990.4440000000001,"endTime":993.6410000000001,"body":"You're only being nice to"},{"startTime":990.4440000000001,"endTime":993.6410000000001,"body":"me because it's your job."},{"startTime":993.721,"endTime":997.0010000000001,"body":"You don't want to be nice to me,"},{"startTime":993.721,"endTime":997.0010000000001,"body":"and you don't actually like me."},{"startTime":997.431,"endTime":1001.691,"body":"And they'll say that, usually,"},{"startTime":997.431,"endTime":1001.691,"body":"when they suspect I do like them."},{"startTime":1002.0640000000001,"endTime":1004.644,"body":"And I'm not just being nice"},{"startTime":1002.0640000000001,"endTime":1004.644,"body":"to them because it's my job."},{"startTime":1005.2840000000001,"endTime":1006.484,"body":"It's the other way round."},{"startTime":1007.3040000000001,"endTime":1009.874,"body":"I'm doing the job because"},{"startTime":1007.3040000000001,"endTime":1009.874,"body":"I want to be nice to them."},{"startTime":1010.344,"endTime":1011.321,"body":"It's that way round."},{"startTime":1011.6210000000001,"endTime":1013.441,"body":"But I'll challenge you"},{"startTime":1011.6210000000001,"endTime":1013.441,"body":"on that a little bit."},{"startTime":1013.971,"endTime":1018.061,"body":"As a therapist, you don't have"},{"startTime":1013.971,"endTime":1018.061,"body":"to like your clients and in a"},{"startTime":1018.0640000000001,"endTime":1018.5340000000001,"body":"Oh yeah."},{"startTime":1018.551,"endTime":1021.2460000000001,"body":"they shouldn't really know the difference,"},{"startTime":1022.974,"endTime":1023.514,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":1024.204,"endTime":1024.224,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1024.376,"endTime":1025.216,"body":"that's a tricky one."},{"startTime":1025.809,"endTime":1027.799,"body":"It is, that's a challenge"},{"startTime":1025.809,"endTime":1027.799,"body":"for a lot of people."},{"startTime":1027.849,"endTime":1031.789,"body":"Yes, not for all therapists, because"},{"startTime":1027.849,"endTime":1031.789,"body":"I think there's a certain temperament,"},{"startTime":1032.029,"endTime":1036.0819999999999,"body":"certain type of person that becomes"},{"startTime":1032.029,"endTime":1036.0819999999999,"body":"a therapist, but we're going to have"},{"startTime":1036.102,"endTime":1042.0819999999999,"body":"clients who it will be hard to give a"},{"startTime":1036.102,"endTime":1042.0819999999999,"body":"stroke to, because there's something about"},{"startTime":1042.092,"endTime":1045.642,"body":"them, either because of transference, it"},{"startTime":1042.092,"endTime":1045.642,"body":"reminds you of somebody else because of"},{"startTime":1045.642,"endTime":1047.549,"body":"stereotypes or something, or genuinely,"},{"startTime":1048.061,"endTime":1051.451,"body":"They're talking about their"},{"startTime":1048.061,"endTime":1051.451,"body":"opinions and their values, and"},{"startTime":1051.451,"endTime":1053.511,"body":"it is poles apart from you."},{"startTime":1054.231,"endTime":1054.3809999999999,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1054.3809999999999,"endTime":1055.521,"body":"You've gotta be okay with that."},{"startTime":1055.9109999999998,"endTime":1057.3509999999999,"body":"They're still coming to you for help."},{"startTime":1057.531,"endTime":1058.791,"body":"They want some help with something."},{"startTime":1059.0829999999999,"endTime":1060.981,"body":"It deserves a reward,"},{"startTime":1059.0829999999999,"endTime":1060.981,"body":"it deserves a stroke."},{"startTime":1061.281,"endTime":1061.501,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1061.501,"endTime":1065.575,"body":"And we, we talk a lot about we're looking"},{"startTime":1061.501,"endTime":1065.575,"body":"at the person, not their behaviour,"},{"startTime":1065.904,"endTime":1068.684,"body":"which is sort of quite easy to separate."},{"startTime":1068.684,"endTime":1072.374,"body":"Well, it's not easy, but easier to"},{"startTime":1068.684,"endTime":1072.374,"body":"separate than the person and their values."},{"startTime":1072.374,"endTime":1075.6789999999999,"body":"As you say, if somebody"},{"startTime":1072.374,"endTime":1075.6789999999999,"body":"came along, who was,"},{"startTime":1075.7939999999999,"endTime":1076.5439999999999,"body":"A Nazi,"},{"startTime":1076.556,"endTime":1081.36,"body":"and yes, I was going for the"},{"startTime":1076.556,"endTime":1081.36,"body":"extreme right wing,  then it's"},{"startTime":1081.36,"endTime":1082.81,"body":"harder because we're human beings."},{"startTime":1083.2,"endTime":1088.59,"body":"It's harder to separate that out from"},{"startTime":1083.2,"endTime":1088.59,"body":"their essence as a person than it is"},{"startTime":1089.027,"endTime":1091.037,"body":"a behaviour that you don't approve of."},{"startTime":1092.624,"endTime":1098.2669999999998,"body":"The other bit I want to get onto about"},{"startTime":1092.624,"endTime":1098.2669999999998,"body":"strokes, is some rules that we tend to"},{"startTime":1098.2669999999998,"endTime":1102.8619999999999,"body":"learn as children about how strokes work."},{"startTime":1103.6019999999999,"endTime":1109.282,"body":"Now this is, I mean, it comes from"},{"startTime":1103.6019999999999,"endTime":1109.282,"body":"America, but it feels very British."},{"startTime":1109.962,"endTime":1115.569,"body":"So, anybody who's not British,"},{"startTime":1109.962,"endTime":1115.569,"body":"would like to comment on how they"},{"startTime":1115.639,"endTime":1118.239,"body":"feel their culture is on these."},{"startTime":1118.279,"endTime":1123.206,"body":"I'd be very interested to hear,"},{"startTime":1118.279,"endTime":1123.206,"body":"but somebody's gone to the trouble"},{"startTime":1123.206,"endTime":1128.686,"body":"of defining these five rules that"},{"startTime":1123.206,"endTime":1128.686,"body":"we tend to learn in childhood."},{"startTime":1129.436,"endTime":1132.2859999999998,"body":"And the first sounds a bit"},{"startTime":1129.436,"endTime":1132.2859999999998,"body":"weird, but bear with me."},{"startTime":1132.716,"endTime":1135.866,"body":"It's don't give strokes"},{"startTime":1132.716,"endTime":1135.866,"body":"that you would like to give."},{"startTime":1136.3619999999999,"endTime":1136.732,"body":"Okay?"},{"startTime":1136.802,"endTime":1139.782,"body":"Don't give strokes that"},{"startTime":1136.802,"endTime":1139.782,"body":"you would like to give."},{"startTime":1140.0819999999999,"endTime":1140.742,"body":"that's a rule."},{"startTime":1141.042,"endTime":1141.402,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1141.903,"endTime":1144.753,"body":"and this is, I think,"},{"startTime":1141.903,"endTime":1144.753,"body":"it's, it's very British."},{"startTime":1144.753,"endTime":1147.3909999999998,"body":"I'll give you a personal example of this."},{"startTime":1147.3909999999998,"endTime":1153.655,"body":"So, this is when I was a teenager and a"},{"startTime":1147.3909999999998,"endTime":1153.655,"body":"friend of mine, Sue, was hit by a car."},{"startTime":1153.865,"endTime":1154.734,"body":"We were out at"},{"startTime":1154.7379999999998,"endTime":1156.7749999999999,"body":"youth club and Sue got hit by a car."},{"startTime":1157.165,"endTime":1161.99,"body":"It could have been a lot worse No"},{"startTime":1157.165,"endTime":1161.99,"body":"serious injuries, and she wasn't kept"},{"startTime":1161.991,"endTime":1165.56,"body":"in overnight at the hospital, although"},{"startTime":1161.991,"endTime":1165.56,"body":"these days she would have been."},{"startTime":1165.944,"endTime":1169.864,"body":"So the next morning I went to see"},{"startTime":1165.944,"endTime":1169.864,"body":"her and I took a bunch of daffodils."},{"startTime":1170.512,"endTime":1171.5919999999999,"body":"Yes."},{"startTime":1171.964,"endTime":1175.904,"body":"Her whole family laughed at me and"},{"startTime":1171.964,"endTime":1175.904,"body":"said, What have you brought those for?"},{"startTime":1176.684,"endTime":1177.204,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1177.8239999999998,"endTime":1179.6899999999998,"body":"That was, I gave a stroke."},{"startTime":1180.76,"endTime":1186.0249999999999,"body":"I took my friend who had been injured and"},{"startTime":1180.76,"endTime":1186.0249999999999,"body":"had gone through a traumatic experience."},{"startTime":1186.0449999999998,"endTime":1188.455,"body":"We, when I meet up with her"},{"startTime":1186.0449999999998,"endTime":1188.455,"body":"now, we always talk about it."},{"startTime":1189.3439999999998,"endTime":1191.7759999999998,"body":"And I was ridiculed."},{"startTime":1192.224,"endTime":1196.024,"body":"Probably wasn't as bad as I felt,"},{"startTime":1192.224,"endTime":1196.024,"body":"but I felt bad because that was"},{"startTime":1196.024,"endTime":1197.734,"body":"a real negative stroke for me."},{"startTime":1198.124,"endTime":1201.7559999999999,"body":"And when I think about it, even"},{"startTime":1198.124,"endTime":1201.7559999999999,"body":"though it's something we don't"},{"startTime":1201.7659999999998,"endTime":1205.8,"body":"tend to talk about, there is"},{"startTime":1201.7659999999998,"endTime":1205.8,"body":"something about having to hold back."},{"startTime":1206.1409999999998,"endTime":1211.9279999999999,"body":"And not give strokes  and sometimes"},{"startTime":1206.1409999999998,"endTime":1211.9279999999999,"body":"it's for a fear of getting it wrong I"},{"startTime":1211.9279999999999,"endTime":1215.945,"body":"was talking to somebody the other day"},{"startTime":1211.9279999999999,"endTime":1215.945,"body":"who had a family member who was ill"},{"startTime":1216.138,"endTime":1222.9879999999998,"body":"and I decided to give him some strokes"},{"startTime":1216.138,"endTime":1222.9879999999998,"body":"about how he was doing in terms of"},{"startTime":1222.9879999999998,"endTime":1228.5069999999998,"body":"how he was being strong, but there was"},{"startTime":1222.9879999999998,"endTime":1228.5069999999998,"body":"that little bit of me that was wary"},{"startTime":1228.617,"endTime":1230.677,"body":"that I might be getting this wrong."},{"startTime":1231.2,"endTime":1233.3,"body":"And it might be too much,"},{"startTime":1231.2,"endTime":1233.3,"body":"but I went for it anyway."},{"startTime":1233.7939999999999,"endTime":1237.4299999999998,"body":"Because it no longer bothers me if"},{"startTime":1233.7939999999999,"endTime":1237.4299999999998,"body":"I get ridiculed, because I think"},{"startTime":1237.4399999999998,"endTime":1240.34,"body":"that's a defense mechanism from"},{"startTime":1237.4399999999998,"endTime":1240.34,"body":"the other person's point of view."},{"startTime":1240.934,"endTime":1245.0259999999998,"body":"Recently there was a case where a"},{"startTime":1240.934,"endTime":1245.0259999999998,"body":"friend had put themselves out for me."},{"startTime":1245.2649999999999,"endTime":1252.252,"body":"and I was aware that this rule could"},{"startTime":1245.2649999999999,"endTime":1252.252,"body":"restrict how acceptable it was for"},{"startTime":1252.252,"endTime":1254.8919999999998,"body":"me to be  effusive in my thanks."},{"startTime":1255.442,"endTime":1260.722,"body":"So, in this case, I carefully crafted"},{"startTime":1255.442,"endTime":1260.722,"body":"my words, said them, and then left."},{"startTime":1261.277,"endTime":1262.117,"body":"Okay, yeah."},{"startTime":1262.849,"endTime":1266.8339999999998,"body":"So I just didn't, didn't"},{"startTime":1262.849,"endTime":1266.8339999999998,"body":"give  him any chance to respond."},{"startTime":1267.7269999999999,"endTime":1268.2469999999998,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":1268.8139999999999,"endTime":1270.634,"body":"here you are, off I'm go, I'm gone."},{"startTime":1271.4869999999999,"endTime":1272.077,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":1272.687,"endTime":1273.4569999999999,"body":"Yeah, I get that."},{"startTime":1273.9569999999999,"endTime":1274.697,"body":"That makes sense."},{"startTime":1274.8039999999999,"endTime":1277.364,"body":"broke that, I broke that rule"},{"startTime":1274.8039999999999,"endTime":1277.364,"body":"knowing what I was doing."},{"startTime":1277.364,"endTime":1279.424,"body":"So, it's just something to think about."},{"startTime":1280.414,"endTime":1284.5839999999998,"body":"So the second one is, don't ask for"},{"startTime":1280.414,"endTime":1284.5839999999998,"body":"strokes that you would like to receive."},{"startTime":1285.024,"endTime":1285.3339999999998,"body":"Now,"},{"startTime":1285.917,"endTime":1285.937,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1286.114,"endTime":1288.777,"body":"I think that's clearer to people."},{"startTime":1289.377,"endTime":1292.364,"body":"It goes along with that"},{"startTime":1289.377,"endTime":1292.364,"body":"children shouldn't be spoilt."},{"startTime":1292.884,"endTime":1296.5739999999998,"body":"That don't be too nice to a baby"},{"startTime":1292.884,"endTime":1296.5739999999998,"body":"or a child because they're going"},{"startTime":1296.5739999999998,"endTime":1299.8039999999999,"body":"to be spoilt if you give them"},{"startTime":1296.5739999999998,"endTime":1299.8039999999999,"body":"too much love, too much praise."},{"startTime":1300.416,"endTime":1301.374,"body":"Spoiler!"},{"startTime":1301.524,"endTime":1302.531,"body":"That's not true."},{"startTime":1302.831,"endTime":1305.011,"body":"yeah, spoiler, they're not spoilt."},{"startTime":1305.221,"endTime":1308.6209999999999,"body":"can't  give a baby or"},{"startTime":1305.221,"endTime":1308.6209999999999,"body":"a child too much love."},{"startTime":1309.0639999999999,"endTime":1309.5639999999999,"body":"that's right."},{"startTime":1309.961,"endTime":1311.501,"body":"going back to the marshmallow throwing,"},{"startTime":1311.903,"endTime":1312.463,"body":"Mmm,"},{"startTime":1312.59,"endTime":1317.6699999999998,"body":"If you are giving strokes to"},{"startTime":1312.59,"endTime":1317.6699999999998,"body":"a child that aren't genuine,"},{"startTime":1318.1799999999998,"endTime":1319.203,"body":"It can feel patronising."},{"startTime":1319.274,"endTime":1321.644,"body":"or it could lead to all sorts of trouble."},{"startTime":1321.885,"endTime":1325.923,"body":"if you're constantly telling, a"},{"startTime":1321.885,"endTime":1325.923,"body":"child that they're the best person"},{"startTime":1325.923,"endTime":1327.0629999999999,"body":"in the history of the world."},{"startTime":1327.35,"endTime":1327.6399999999999,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1328.027,"endTime":1332.2069999999999,"body":"But you can say, you're the best person"},{"startTime":1328.027,"endTime":1332.2069999999999,"body":"in the history of the world to me."},{"startTime":1333.172,"endTime":1336.992,"body":"Because I love you so much,"},{"startTime":1333.172,"endTime":1336.992,"body":"you mean the world to me."},{"startTime":1337.8519999999999,"endTime":1338.7749999999999,"body":"That's okay."},{"startTime":1338.7849999999999,"endTime":1340.445,"body":"So there's a sort of balance there."},{"startTime":1340.8229999999999,"endTime":1341.0629999999999,"body":"Yeah,"},{"startTime":1341.383,"endTime":1346.5539999999999,"body":"I think we see it a lot with clients"},{"startTime":1341.383,"endTime":1346.5539999999999,"body":"who are struggling in relationships,"},{"startTime":1347.114,"endTime":1352.018,"body":"usually marriages, but it could be work,"},{"startTime":1347.114,"endTime":1352.018,"body":"relationships in general, where they're"},{"startTime":1352.058,"endTime":1356.558,"body":"not getting the strokes that they want,"},{"startTime":1352.058,"endTime":1356.558,"body":"they feel they can't ask for them."},{"startTime":1357.2379999999998,"endTime":1358.328,"body":"Very often the person"},{"startTime":1358.328,"endTime":1364.2649999999999,"body":"Let's say it's a husband and wife,"},{"startTime":1358.328,"endTime":1364.2649999999999,"body":"either way round, one is sitting there"},{"startTime":1364.5149999999999,"endTime":1367.0649999999998,"body":"saying in their heads, Stroke me!"},{"startTime":1367.5639999999999,"endTime":1367.954,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1368.011,"endTime":1369.451,"body":"And the other one has no idea."},{"startTime":1370.444,"endTime":1370.904,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1371.7939999999999,"endTime":1374.104,"body":"but we have that rule of don't ask,"},{"startTime":1375.0069999999998,"endTime":1376.127,"body":"The games people play."},{"startTime":1376.597,"endTime":1377.9669999999999,"body":"which is the name of the book."},{"startTime":1378.994,"endTime":1382.754,"body":"Ye s. So you can ask for strokes."},{"startTime":1383.1009999999999,"endTime":1386.251,"body":"Now, I mean, it's, again,"},{"startTime":1383.1009999999999,"endTime":1386.251,"body":"it's being sensible about it."},{"startTime":1386.7569999999998,"endTime":1392.143,"body":"If you're working in an office job"},{"startTime":1386.7569999999998,"endTime":1392.143,"body":"and your boss isn't giving you enough"},{"startTime":1392.153,"endTime":1395.533,"body":"praise, it probably isn't a good idea"},{"startTime":1392.153,"endTime":1395.533,"body":"to go and sit in their office and"},{"startTime":1395.533,"endTime":1397.023,"body":"say, could you stroke me more please?"},{"startTime":1398.838,"endTime":1402.664,"body":"It's not, even if you, even if you"},{"startTime":1398.838,"endTime":1402.664,"body":"qualify what you mean, you work"},{"startTime":1402.664,"endTime":1404.144,"body":"with the system that you're in,"},{"startTime":1404.5919999999999,"endTime":1408.847,"body":"Yeah, but if I've made a nice"},{"startTime":1404.5919999999999,"endTime":1408.847,"body":"meal for my wife, And I'm proud"},{"startTime":1408.847,"endTime":1413.5529999999999,"body":"of it,  but if I'm feeling that"},{"startTime":1408.847,"endTime":1413.5529999999999,"body":"I need a stroke, and I will say."},{"startTime":1414.133,"endTime":1415.153,"body":"I'm quite pleased with this."},{"startTime":1415.533,"endTime":1416.503,"body":"Is it okay for you?"},{"startTime":1417.413,"endTime":1420.773,"body":"If I'm getting nothing back,"},{"startTime":1417.413,"endTime":1420.773,"body":"she's just eating it and talking"},{"startTime":1420.773,"endTime":1422.5829999999999,"body":"about a day, which is fine."},{"startTime":1423.703,"endTime":1426.263,"body":"But yeah, I might want to"},{"startTime":1423.703,"endTime":1426.263,"body":"hear her say, Wow, I can tell"},{"startTime":1426.263,"endTime":1427.5729999999999,"body":"you work really hard on this."},{"startTime":1428.273,"endTime":1431.5929999999998,"body":"No, that's not a habit that we've got."},{"startTime":1431.683,"endTime":1433.643,"body":"That's not how Dawn talks to me."},{"startTime":1434.135,"endTime":1435.758,"body":"there's a lot  that is unsaid."},{"startTime":1436.348,"endTime":1437.4579999999999,"body":"Oh, I don't need to say it."},{"startTime":1438.268,"endTime":1439.918,"body":"But maybe I need to hear it."},{"startTime":1441.588,"endTime":1444.018,"body":"maybe one of you needs to"},{"startTime":1441.588,"endTime":1444.018,"body":"hear it from the other."},{"startTime":1444.368,"endTime":1447.758,"body":"And you shouldn't have to go to couples"},{"startTime":1444.368,"endTime":1447.758,"body":"counselling to have that brought up."},{"startTime":1447.788,"endTime":1448.878,"body":"Don't let it get that far."},{"startTime":1449.945,"endTime":1450.425,"body":"Exactly."},{"startTime":1450.425,"endTime":1453.0549999999998,"body":"And going back to what I said"},{"startTime":1450.425,"endTime":1453.0549999999998,"body":"about in supervision, did"},{"startTime":1453.0549999999998,"endTime":1454.0549999999998,"body":"you talk to them about it?"},{"startTime":1454.0549999999998,"endTime":1456.165,"body":"It's the same in a, in a relationship,"},{"startTime":1456.628,"endTime":1456.9879999999998,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1457.57,"endTime":1460.9379999999999,"body":"You can't expect anybody else to mind read"},{"startTime":1461.946,"endTime":1466.49,"body":"But that strange background belief"},{"startTime":1461.946,"endTime":1466.49,"body":"that, well, they should know."},{"startTime":1467.1109999999999,"endTime":1468.751,"body":"Yeah, they should know,"},{"startTime":1467.1109999999999,"endTime":1468.751,"body":"I shouldn't have to ask."},{"startTime":1468.9299999999998,"endTime":1469.58,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1469.696,"endTime":1473.826,"body":"The next one is Don't accept strokes"},{"startTime":1469.696,"endTime":1473.826,"body":"that you would like to accept."},{"startTime":1474.2859999999998,"endTime":1476.866,"body":"So that's batting away a"},{"startTime":1474.2859999999998,"endTime":1476.866,"body":"compliment, for example."},{"startTime":1477.086,"endTime":1477.994,"body":"Oh this old thing."},{"startTime":1478.6509999999998,"endTime":1480.501,"body":"That's exactly the phrase that's in there."},{"startTime":1481.164,"endTime":1481.514,"body":"Is it?"},{"startTime":1481.5739999999998,"endTime":1481.954,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1482.201,"endTime":1483.041,"body":"that's a lovely dress."},{"startTime":1483.1009999999999,"endTime":1484.021,"body":"Oh, this old thing."},{"startTime":1484.531,"endTime":1488.0529999999999,"body":"It's an exceptionally common"},{"startTime":1484.531,"endTime":1488.0529999999999,"body":"process and it comes from this rule."},{"startTime":1488.4289999999999,"endTime":1492.722,"body":"The thing is, you can pretend to obey"},{"startTime":1488.4289999999999,"endTime":1492.722,"body":"the rule, but not really obey it."},{"startTime":1494.1319999999998,"endTime":1497.982,"body":"So if, if you said to me, that's a"},{"startTime":1494.1319999999998,"endTime":1497.982,"body":"nice dress, I could say, oh, this old"},{"startTime":1497.982,"endTime":1500.532,"body":"thing, but actually take the stroke."},{"startTime":1501.5819999999999,"endTime":1503.455,"body":"Yes, of course you can."},{"startTime":1503.5149999999999,"endTime":1504.945,"body":"Yeah, it's the meaning behind it."},{"startTime":1505.0049999999999,"endTime":1506.205,"body":"It's what goes on on the inside."},{"startTime":1506.2649999999999,"endTime":1506.5549999999998,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1506.762,"endTime":1507.5819999999999,"body":"you can play that."},{"startTime":1507.994,"endTime":1508.302,"body":"rule"},{"startTime":1508.6019999999999,"endTime":1508.809,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1508.924,"endTime":1509.384,"body":"out"},{"startTime":1509.684,"endTime":1511.25,"body":"but actually take it."},{"startTime":1511.868,"endTime":1512.308,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1512.908,"endTime":1514.618,"body":"Next one is just two more."},{"startTime":1514.868,"endTime":1518.798,"body":"Next one is don't reject"},{"startTime":1514.868,"endTime":1518.798,"body":"strokes you don't want."},{"startTime":1518.818,"endTime":1520.998,"body":"Now I'll say that one again because"},{"startTime":1518.818,"endTime":1520.998,"body":"it's with the double negative"},{"startTime":1520.998,"endTime":1521.808,"body":"it's a little bit difficult."},{"startTime":1522.278,"endTime":1525.1879999999999,"body":"Don't reject strokes you don't want."},{"startTime":1525.416,"endTime":1526.796,"body":"So I'll give you an example."},{"startTime":1527.0539999999999,"endTime":1531.264,"body":"I regularly get strokes from people"},{"startTime":1527.0539999999999,"endTime":1531.264,"body":"who see things that I've embroidered"},{"startTime":1531.264,"endTime":1533.114,"body":"or crocheted, things like that."},{"startTime":1533.6299999999999,"endTime":1538.03,"body":"And some of that sort of makes me feel"},{"startTime":1533.6299999999999,"endTime":1538.03,"body":"a little bit uncomfortable because I"},{"startTime":1538.04,"endTime":1542.2,"body":"feel, I've just followed a pattern so"},{"startTime":1538.04,"endTime":1542.2,"body":"there's nothing here that's  of a stroke."},{"startTime":1542.74,"endTime":1545.134,"body":"So I don't feel  that"},{"startTime":1542.74,"endTime":1545.134,"body":"praise is appropriate."},{"startTime":1545.434,"endTime":1545.8339999999998,"body":"Okay."},{"startTime":1546.494,"endTime":1550.764,"body":"the rule is to not reject"},{"startTime":1546.494,"endTime":1550.764,"body":"them if you don't want them."},{"startTime":1550.7939999999999,"endTime":1553.5939999999998,"body":"So you should accept things"},{"startTime":1550.7939999999999,"endTime":1553.5939999999998,"body":"even if you don't want them."},{"startTime":1554.057,"endTime":1554.447,"body":"Oh, okay."},{"startTime":1554.4969999999998,"endTime":1554.7269999999999,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1554.8339999999998,"endTime":1559.5539999999999,"body":"Now, when it's about my crocheted"},{"startTime":1554.8339999999998,"endTime":1559.5539999999999,"body":"blanket or something, it hardly matters."},{"startTime":1559.902,"endTime":1565.196,"body":"It can matter if somebody is giving"},{"startTime":1559.902,"endTime":1565.196,"body":"you strokes about an aspect of your"},{"startTime":1565.462,"endTime":1569.769,"body":"person, yourself, your self that you"},{"startTime":1565.462,"endTime":1569.769,"body":"don't want them to be commenting on."},{"startTime":1570.2759999999998,"endTime":1574.748,"body":"So, this can happen with"},{"startTime":1570.2759999999998,"endTime":1574.748,"body":"people commenting on somebody's"},{"startTime":1574.808,"endTime":1575.838,"body":"physical appearance, for example."},{"startTime":1576.811,"endTime":1577.0359999999998,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1577.433,"endTime":1579.543,"body":"We're told we have to accept them"},{"startTime":1580.143,"endTime":1580.883,"body":"Whereas"},{"startTime":1581.203,"endTime":1581.913,"body":"you might"},{"startTime":1582.0929999999998,"endTime":1586.858,"body":"actually want to challenge the person"},{"startTime":1582.0929999999998,"endTime":1586.858,"body":"and say, please don't comment on X,"},{"startTime":1586.858,"endTime":1591.9679999999998,"body":"Y, or Z.  That's a sort of slightly"},{"startTime":1586.858,"endTime":1591.9679999999998,"body":"deeper more important one in a sense."},{"startTime":1593.108,"endTime":1594.878,"body":"And I think society is changing on that."},{"startTime":1595.4779999999998,"endTime":1596.888,"body":"Well, certainly if it's a negative one."},{"startTime":1598.278,"endTime":1600.058,"body":"If somebody's critical."},{"startTime":1600.952,"endTime":1604.032,"body":"We've worked with weight loss clients"},{"startTime":1600.952,"endTime":1604.032,"body":"for years, so we'll, we'll hear these"},{"startTime":1604.032,"endTime":1607.172,"body":"stories a lot where somebody tries"},{"startTime":1604.032,"endTime":1607.172,"body":"to motivate a member of their family,"},{"startTime":1607.172,"endTime":1610.572,"body":"maybe, so they might say to their"},{"startTime":1607.172,"endTime":1610.572,"body":"son or their daughter, Don't think"},{"startTime":1610.572,"endTime":1611.702,"body":"you've had enough of those biscuits."},{"startTime":1612.4389999999999,"endTime":1614.9089999999999,"body":"Thinking that it will help,"},{"startTime":1612.4389999999999,"endTime":1614.9089999999999,"body":"thinking it will motivate them to"},{"startTime":1614.9689999999998,"endTime":1616.329,"body":"go, Oh, yeah, you're right, Dad."},{"startTime":1617.075,"endTime":1618.135,"body":"I'll put those biscuits down."},{"startTime":1618.135,"endTime":1619.8149999999998,"body":"I am gonna go and have an apple."},{"startTime":1620.7649999999999,"endTime":1621.375,"body":"But it doesn't."},{"startTime":1621.524,"endTime":1625.319,"body":"It makes them feel ashamed of"},{"startTime":1621.524,"endTime":1625.319,"body":"wanting biscuits in the first place."},{"startTime":1625.349,"endTime":1627.399,"body":"Well, guess what that's gonna do?"},{"startTime":1627.6789999999999,"endTime":1630.2189999999998,"body":"It's gonna make you want more"},{"startTime":1627.6789999999999,"endTime":1630.2189999999998,"body":"biscuits because it's full of"},{"startTime":1630.2189999999998,"endTime":1631.869,"body":"sugar and is a great distraction."},{"startTime":1632.379,"endTime":1634.598,"body":"And, they meant well."},{"startTime":1634.721,"endTime":1634.731,"body":"I"},{"startTime":1634.798,"endTime":1637.7369999999999,"body":"They meant well, but then also"},{"startTime":1634.798,"endTime":1637.7369999999999,"body":"you get the ones where people"},{"startTime":1637.7369999999999,"endTime":1641.003,"body":"are giving positive strokes when"},{"startTime":1637.7369999999999,"endTime":1641.003,"body":"the person can't receive them."},{"startTime":1641.003,"endTime":1645.859,"body":"So somebody who is being told you're"},{"startTime":1641.003,"endTime":1645.859,"body":"beautiful, but they don't feel it."},{"startTime":1646.099,"endTime":1648.6789999999999,"body":"So that's a positive"},{"startTime":1646.099,"endTime":1648.6789999999999,"body":"stroke that they don't want"},{"startTime":1651.509,"endTime":1651.9489999999998,"body":"in that context"},{"startTime":1652.129,"endTime":1653.912,"body":"as a therapist, you wanna dig below that."},{"startTime":1654.312,"endTime":1655.182,"body":"What's going on there?"},{"startTime":1655.4689999999998,"endTime":1658.349,"body":"they will, perceive it as being"},{"startTime":1655.4689999999998,"endTime":1658.349,"body":"marshmallow even if it's not."},{"startTime":1659.1319999999998,"endTime":1661.6319999999998,"body":"Yeah, I was thinking that earlier on,"},{"startTime":1659.1319999999998,"endTime":1661.6319999999998,"body":"actually, when we were talking about that."},{"startTime":1661.6319999999998,"endTime":1661.942,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1662.6019999999999,"endTime":1665.152,"body":"I have that experience"},{"startTime":1662.6019999999999,"endTime":1665.152,"body":"a lot, as therapists."},{"startTime":1665.152,"endTime":1665.682,"body":"We all do."},{"startTime":1666.3619999999999,"endTime":1667.012,"body":"Such a shame."},{"startTime":1667.1019999999999,"endTime":1667.3619999999999,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1668.442,"endTime":1672.072,"body":"And so the final one is"},{"startTime":1668.442,"endTime":1672.072,"body":"don't give yourself strokes."},{"startTime":1672.072,"endTime":1672.1319999999998,"body":"oh"},{"startTime":1672.692,"endTime":1672.792,"body":"sad"},{"startTime":1672.792,"endTime":1673.792,"body":"What a sad rule."},{"startTime":1673.792,"endTime":1675.453,"body":"Don't blow your own trumpet."},{"startTime":1675.762,"endTime":1677.282,"body":"Don't be selfish."},{"startTime":1677.425,"endTime":1678.615,"body":"You said a phrase once."},{"startTime":1678.692,"endTime":1679.182,"body":"oh, did I,"},{"startTime":1679.7749999999999,"endTime":1682.379,"body":"You said, What's the point in having"},{"startTime":1679.7749999999999,"endTime":1682.379,"body":"a trumpet if you don't blow it?"},{"startTime":1682.761,"endTime":1683.3509999999999,"body":"Oh, that was good."},{"startTime":1683.3809999999999,"endTime":1684.191,"body":"Well done, me."},{"startTime":1686.359,"endTime":1688.889,"body":"So, yeah, blow your trumpet."},{"startTime":1689.139,"endTime":1691.6989999999998,"body":"If you're proud of something, say so."},{"startTime":1692.049,"endTime":1693.1589999999999,"body":"Absolutely."},{"startTime":1693.649,"endTime":1694.9289999999999,"body":"Stroke your ego."},{"startTime":1695.059,"endTime":1696.079,"body":"It's fine."},{"startTime":1697.31,"endTime":1697.53,"body":"Yeah."},{"startTime":1698.04,"endTime":1699.782,"body":"within limits,"},{"startTime":1700.0819999999999,"endTime":1700.922,"body":"isn't"},{"startTime":1700.99,"endTime":1702.06,"body":"everything a balance?"},{"startTime":1702.3919999999998,"endTime":1705.666,"body":"everything's a balance, but"},{"startTime":1702.3919999999998,"endTime":1705.666,"body":"yes, do blow your own trumpet."},{"startTime":1705.7559999999999,"endTime":1709.09,"body":"And, you know, be selfish,"},{"startTime":1705.7559999999999,"endTime":1709.09,"body":"we're all selfish, because we"},{"startTime":1709.09,"endTime":1710.376,"body":"have to put ourselves first."},{"startTime":1710.676,"endTime":1710.896,"body":"Yeah,"},{"startTime":1711.337,"endTime":1715.4769999999999,"body":"So, do give yourself strokes,"},{"startTime":1711.337,"endTime":1715.4769999999999,"body":"and if your economy's down, find"},{"startTime":1715.4769999999999,"endTime":1717.166,"body":"ways to give yourself strokes."},{"startTime":1717.6889999999999,"endTime":1722.4579999999999,"body":"And challenge that rule of"},{"startTime":1717.6889999999999,"endTime":1722.4579999999999,"body":"you're not allowed to do that."},{"startTime":1723.368,"endTime":1728.098,"body":"Because if you have never done that,"},{"startTime":1723.368,"endTime":1728.098,"body":"it will feel really, really arrogant."},{"startTime":1728.437,"endTime":1731.0919999999999,"body":"And it's something that I"},{"startTime":1728.437,"endTime":1731.0919999999999,"body":"say to people all the time."},{"startTime":1731.377,"endTime":1736.359,"body":"That when they are starting to assert"},{"startTime":1731.377,"endTime":1736.359,"body":"themselves, or they're starting to"},{"startTime":1736.359,"endTime":1740.1889999999999,"body":"put themselves first, whether it's"},{"startTime":1736.359,"endTime":1740.1889999999999,"body":"work, rest or play in all situations,"},{"startTime":1740.329,"endTime":1743.539,"body":"if they've never done it before, that"},{"startTime":1740.329,"endTime":1743.539,"body":"little bit of assertiveness, just"},{"startTime":1743.539,"endTime":1747.479,"body":"setting up those little boundaries,"},{"startTime":1743.539,"endTime":1747.479,"body":"will feel like absolute arrogance."},{"startTime":1748.399,"endTime":1753.262,"body":"Even though it's not, but it will"},{"startTime":1748.399,"endTime":1753.262,"body":"genuinely feel I am the most nasty person"},{"startTime":1753.262,"endTime":1755.9589999999998,"body":"in the world for saying No to that person."},{"startTime":1756.206,"endTime":1759.186,"body":"But you needed to say no to them so"},{"startTime":1756.206,"endTime":1759.186,"body":"that you could say yes to yourself."},{"startTime":1759.5059999999999,"endTime":1761.086,"body":"And it will feel so arrogant."},{"startTime":1761.492,"endTime":1764.056,"body":"But it's good skill to"},{"startTime":1761.492,"endTime":1764.056,"body":"learn, to turn that down."},{"startTime":1765.301,"endTime":1769.201,"body":"When you're stroking yourself,"},{"startTime":1765.301,"endTime":1769.201,"body":"you need to be very careful not"},{"startTime":1769.261,"endTime":1772.031,"body":"to throw marshmallows at yourself."},{"startTime":1772.471,"endTime":1773.531,"body":"Stop it, Richard."},{"startTime":1774.0739999999998,"endTime":1774.484,"body":"Sorry."},{"startTime":1777.8909999999998,"endTime":1779.7259999999999,"body":"So don't throw marshmallows at yourself."},{"startTime":1780.136,"endTime":1783.0259999999998,"body":"And be aware of counterfeit"},{"startTime":1780.136,"endTime":1783.0259999999998,"body":"strokes that you can give"},{"startTime":1783.0259999999998,"endTime":1784.106,"body":"yourself because it's too easy."},{"startTime":1784.533,"endTime":1785.473,"body":"You've got to be genuine."},{"startTime":1785.8609999999999,"endTime":1787.201,"body":"Counterfeit strokes with yourself."},{"startTime":1787.431,"endTime":1788.251,"body":"Yes, yeah."},{"startTime":1788.321,"endTime":1789.041,"body":"Meaningless."},{"startTime":1789.6609999999998,"endTime":1791.091,"body":"I'm just going through the motions here."},{"startTime":1791.991,"endTime":1793.091,"body":"That's, that's not good."},{"startTime":1794.011,"endTime":1796.451,"body":"And if that's how it"},{"startTime":1794.011,"endTime":1796.451,"body":"feels, then lower the bar."},{"startTime":1798.3529999999998,"endTime":1799.5629999999999,"body":"Yes, indeed."},{"startTime":1799.5929999999998,"endTime":1806.393,"body":"And the final thing I wanted to say on"},{"startTime":1799.5929999999998,"endTime":1806.393,"body":"it is about if you are in deficit, then"},{"startTime":1806.453,"endTime":1809.143,"body":"one of the easiest ways to get strokes."},{"startTime":1809.278,"endTime":1813.798,"body":"And not an adaptive way"},{"startTime":1809.278,"endTime":1813.798,"body":"is through social media."},{"startTime":1814.6109999999999,"endTime":1815.031,"body":"So"},{"startTime":1815.704,"endTime":1820.963,"body":". watch out for a tendency to, look for"},{"startTime":1815.704,"endTime":1820.963,"body":"likes and comments on social media."},{"startTime":1821.293,"endTime":1827.743,"body":"And also to be suckered in by mass media,"},{"startTime":1821.293,"endTime":1827.743,"body":"advertising politicians, things like that"},{"startTime":1827.963,"endTime":1834.28,"body":"who manipulate and, you know, not saying"},{"startTime":1827.963,"endTime":1834.28,"body":"necessarily in a bad way, but it can be,"},{"startTime":1834.5829999999999,"endTime":1838.143,"body":"they manipulate people by stroking them."},{"startTime":1838.5059999999999,"endTime":1839.336,"body":"Yeah, yeah."},{"startTime":1839.9769999999999,"endTime":1842.147,"body":"So, we need to, we need to wrap up then."},{"startTime":1842.147,"endTime":1844.917,"body":"That's quite an interesting bit of"},{"startTime":1842.147,"endTime":1844.917,"body":"psychoeducation for everybody today."},{"startTime":1845.139,"endTime":1846.72,"body":"I hope everybody found that useful."},{"startTime":1847.02,"endTime":1849.46,"body":"I find it interesting just"},{"startTime":1847.02,"endTime":1849.46,"body":"to go, go over it again."},{"startTime":1849.46,"endTime":1852.431,"body":"I don't know about you, Richard,"},{"startTime":1849.46,"endTime":1852.431,"body":"I just find it just, Yeah."},{"startTime":1852.668,"endTime":1854.858,"body":"the way that people work, isn't it?"},{"startTime":1855.281,"endTime":1858.191,"body":"Yeah, we are a very complicated species."},{"startTime":1858.639,"endTime":1861.1889999999999,"body":"We will be back next week as always."},{"startTime":1861.1889999999999,"endTime":1862.879,"body":"Can't remember what we're"},{"startTime":1861.1889999999999,"endTime":1862.879,"body":"talking about, but I can give"},{"startTime":1862.879,"endTime":1864.149,"body":"you a sneaky peek if you like."},{"startTime":1864.1589999999999,"endTime":1864.6989999999998,"body":"Because I do have a"},{"startTime":1864.749,"endTime":1865.479,"body":"tab open."},{"startTime":1865.6209999999999,"endTime":1866.329,"body":"got it open too."},{"startTime":1866.629,"endTime":1867.889,"body":"I've always got a tab open."},{"startTime":1868.309,"endTime":1870.569,"body":"Re evaluating the past."},{"startTime":1871.4669999999999,"endTime":1874.7569999999998,"body":"That's going to be quite We're going"},{"startTime":1871.4669999999999,"endTime":1874.7569999999998,"body":"to be Well, that's going to take some"},{"startTime":1874.7569999999998,"endTime":1876.417,"body":"editing down to get it to 30 minutes."},{"startTime":1876.854,"endTime":1878.234,"body":"I suspect it is."},{"startTime":1879.067,"endTime":1879.9769999999999,"body":"I look forward to it."},{"startTime":1880.157,"endTime":1880.7469999999998,"body":"Right, everybody."},{"startTime":1881.067,"endTime":1881.677,"body":"Leave you to it."},{"startTime":1881.7469999999998,"endTime":1882.777,"body":"Have a super duper week."},{"startTime":1882.907,"endTime":1883.2569999999998,"body":"Speak to"},{"startTime":1883.2569999999998,"endTime":1883.849,"body":"you next time."},{"startTime":1883.849,"endTime":1884.443,"body":"Bye."}]}