Journey to Sexual Fulfillment Amidst Medicinal Realities

Have you ever wondered why we carry certain beliefs about sexuality, or how those beliefs impact our intimate relationships? In a riveting discussion with Dr. Fanny the Baker, an acclaimed sex coach, we unravel the intricate web of sexuality myths and the profound influence of sex education on our perceptions. As we examine the delicate interplay between intimacy and expectations, Dr. Fanny and I illuminate the significance of pleasure, safety, and communication in sexual relationships. You'll discover the importance of pacing and self-awareness in finding satisfaction, especially when chronic illness adds another layer of complexity to the mix.

This episode takes an enlightening turn as we venture into the transformative realm of self-consent, unpacking how recognizing your personal boundaries and desires can lead to a richer sexual life. Through the lens of conditions like vulvodynia, we discuss the perils of ignoring discomfort and the pivotal role of internal dialogue in honoring one's physical and emotional needs. We further delve into strategies for fostering trust and safety in conversations with partners, ensuring that the connection remains strong and sincere. When an audience member's question brings the topic of medication and libido to the table, we explore how to balance one's medicinal needs with the pursuit of a fulfilling sex life, challenging societal norms and redefining personal pleasure. Join us for this empowering journey toward a deeper, more joyous connection with one's own sexuality.

Links : 

• Your Sexyfied Life on your favorite podcast platform (or https://feeds.captivate.fm/your-sexyfied-life/ )
  
  
• Get the Essence free ebook https://view.flodesk.com/pages/63762fafc6d1c43fb3bac1bf**
• Get on my email list : https://view.flodesk.com/pages/649da546a6be29330ccbaa59**
• www.fannyleboulanger.com
  
  
• IG : @withdoctorfanny (but for real, get on my email list if you want to stay in touch, I have a love-hate relationship with Instagram )

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Transcript

Jen: 0:42

Hi my spoony sisters. It's your host, grace Fleejen, and I brought back another fan favorite. This is Dr Fanny the Baker. Hello, how are you today?

Dr. Fanny: 0:56

Hello, so happy to be back. I'm doing great. How are you?

Jen: 1:01

I am doing well. You know it's still kind of rainy season over here, but we've had a couple 60 degrees sunny days and I'm looking forward to it. How's your?

Dr. Fanny: 1:13

weather where you are Way too hot in my opinion. Like I'm really rooting for cold at the moment, it's way too hot than usual and I'm like I want snow and we don't have snow.

Jen: 1:26

You are the opposite of me. I want all the sun. I want beaches and palm trees.

Dr. Fanny: 1:33

But I love skiing and hiking, I mean.

Jen: 1:35

I love all that too, don't get me wrong, but I live in the Pacific Northwest. That's kind of what we get, you know, is all the mountains and the hiking and the beauty, and I love to escape once in a while.

Dr. Fanny: 1:48

Yeah, I understand that.

Jen: 1:50

Alright, so today we have so many exciting things for you guys and well, where do we even dive in? We've got some expectations stuff to go over here. Do you want to kind of help dive us into this?

Dr. Fanny: 2:05

Yes, we're here today to discuss some myths and things about our sexuality, because I'm a sex coach and I'm really a fan of myth busting. So the first thing that we thought we should address is everything related to intercourse expectations. First, let's acknowledge that things are getting better, like sex is getting more voice, as it should be. That includes the whole spectrum intercourse, but not only intercourse self-pleasuring and massage, caressing each other, caressing yourselves and things like that. And yet there is still this thing in our society that says, or that may cause, feel that sex is in the end, having intercourse and getting an orgasm. So the idea in here is to address this myth and say, hey, how can we reprogram ourselves so that things are?

Jen: 3:07

different, you know, I think too it has a lot to do with how we were raised. The conversations around these topics where I grew up was in southern Idaho, just north of Salt Lake City, where the big Mormon realm is, and I was brought up in the Mormon religion as a child. We stopped going when I was 12, but these were taboo conversations. This is not something that we talked about. It was something you did to make babies, and so growing up it was like you talk about it with your friends in secret and you ask each other questions and you pull out the naughty books and that's kind of as far as we got. And then you get into being an adult and you get married and your spouse has expectations, and you have expectations, and how do you mold them together? And then you add in the chronic illness aspect as well, and so I'm excited to kind of see where you're going to take us with us today. How do people deal with the expectations? Is there a conversation that needs to happen and how does that begin? I?

Dr. Fanny: 4:22

think. First, the idea is to know where you're coming from. So what you mentioned as a religious background is kind of a big thing. That puts some heavy weight on the idea of sexuality and even just sensuality in connecting to your body. So that's a huge thing, and that's not the only one.

Dr. Fanny: 4:42

I think the other is when we're taught about sex, when we get lessons for sex education, we're told about the risks, like how to avoid getting pregnant if you don't want, or avoiding getting STDs, for example.

Dr. Fanny: 4:59

So when we talk about sex, it's always a question of how can I do to be safe, but what should I avoid doing to be safe?

Dr. Fanny: 5:10

So we're basically told since teenage years that, hey, sex is dangerous, whereas including knowledge about how the body is functioning, about how we get pleasure, what pleasure is, what an orgasm is, acknowledging that this conversation could happen is really something that would be valuable for all of us, like including the whole spectrum of sexuality, its whole variety. I think it starts there. And the other thing is how somehow we're supposed to know how sex works, like it's this magic recipe of suddenly everybody knows how to do it and what to do and we don't learn how to do it. And the thing is, sex can be different from one person to another and then add that to a partnership. So you're basically meeting a stranger who has their own ways of functioning and their own traumas and their own conditioning traumas or ways of functioning or getting pleasure, and you're like what? This is just me, and then this person and then our dynamic together, like what the fuck?

Jen: 6:30

What on? So what would you suggest to our listeners? Where do you begin?

Dr. Fanny: 6:35

Like. The idea is to first notice where you are. You may be perfectly happy. First, let's acknowledge that there is no need to heal yourself or do whatever work that you're supposed to do. If you're truly happy with where you are, let's acknowledge that first. Then be sure to just check with yourself if you are truly happy or if you're telling yourself you're happy. That's a tiny thing that our brain is super keen on doing, like pretend that everything's okay, whereas inside we're not okay. Then the idea is, when you've noticed that you are not happy with where you are, just check with yourself.

Dr. Fanny: 7:22

What's your current state at the moment? Are you numb and 100% disconnected from your body? Are you able to access some kind of pleasure and it's a question of bringing this to the relationship or is the relationship okay but not quite Like? Do you feel safe in your partnership, for example, whether it's a partnership for 10 minutes or for the rest of your life? There are so many things that can play and I think the most important idea is to start slow, to figure out where you're at.

Dr. Fanny: 8:04

What I love saying is when I have people in my coaching practice and I'm like we're going to focus on pleasure. There's no way, if someone is really disconnected from their bodies, giving the prescription of let's do one hour three times a week of masturbation. This will not work If we just face it. For many of us it wouldn't work in our daily lives. In an ideal world it would.

Dr. Fanny: 8:31

But I think what I like to say as the first step is to reconnect to your senses, to acknowledge that you are a sensual person, that you have your sense of smell, that you have your sense of hear, that you're touch, you can play with your touch. And when you start with that, you start coming home, you soothe yourself, you allow yourself to access, because you're a true nature, because we are sensual beings sensual beings like literally having the possibilities and abilities to feel, through our senses, the world around us. And when you do that, you acknowledge what feels good. And when you acknowledge what feels good, you acknowledge what brings you pleasure and what brings you. And when you connect to what brings you pleasure, you can start building a more intimate connection to your sexual energy, and then with someone else. So that's a journey that requires commitment and energy and it is bringing you ultimately, in my totally biased opinion, towards self-love and self-sharishing.

Jen: 9:49

And it's a journey. It's not a race. Hell yes, so we've had you mention how we start. What would be the next baby steps?

Dr. Fanny: 9:59

I think the next baby step is to find out pleasure and what brings you pleasure.

Dr. Fanny: 10:07

So you have the five senses first and when you have that, it's reclaiming or reconnecting to the senses, the sense of, oh, that feels good, oh, that feels bad, oh, I like this part of me, what I love to give, I like to have this part of me touch and this part is a no-no.

Dr. Fanny: 10:26

So really acknowledging that you are inside a body and that may feel so interesting and threatening maybe for some of us with chronic conditions. So really acknowledging that this is bringing me pleasure and the more you connect to pleasure, the more you trust yourself and the more you can start having intimate practices and getting to your genitalia or your volva, if you have one Like okay, I love this type of touch in this place and I don't like this type of touch on the same place. So it's really the idea here of playing with the different types of touch so that you can reconnect to your pleasure and to reconnect to the different types of pleasure. Pleasure can be luscious, pleasure can be wild, pleasure can be quiet and intimate. Pleasure is a whole palette that you can have access to, because your whole body is a buffet. You can start eating from.

Jen: 11:34

Well, that sounds delicious. Okay, so the next direction we were putting in our notes. Wow, I'm sorry that my words are not coming out well today, but in our notes we had stress cycles. Can you walk us through the stress?

Dr. Fanny: 11:50

cycle. Yes, so the idea here. The first time I heard about this concept is in this amazing book from Emily and Amelia Nikolsky that is called Burnout Like really offer it to any woman that you care about in your life and they say very interesting things about completing the stress cycle. Basically, everything that we are encountering traumas, conditioning or just emotion that we have been lovingly put under the rug is stored in our bodies. So we can see it on a daily basis, like after a heartache our chest is getting closed, or we have sore throats if we don't feel comfortable speaking our truth, or we have some back pain, if the world is really heavy about us around us and we're getting sick of the weight that it puts on ourselves.

Dr. Fanny: 12:48

So all of these, you need to first acknowledge that emotions are just sensations given meaning by your brain. So if you take anger, for example, you can have a hot anger when you will oops, sorry, my words are going out too where you will scream at someone. Or you can also have, like the ice, cold anger where your voice is low and this person in front of you will know that you are angry. And same goes for the heart race, for example. It can be because you're angry, but it can also be because you're sick, and that's different. In all of these sensations, so are just things like signals from our bodies and when we don't have space to express them. So, when we don't have space to express the anger, when we don't have space to express the sadness, they get stuck somehow and so they limit our possibilities for movement. They limit our possibilities to have life, energy moving through our bodies. Even if you're not into some who's some energy concepts, the idea of if you just picture someone who's really disconnected from their emotion, they may feel really stiff and really with little mobility, whereas someone who is really connected to their emotion, to how they feel, they may look like they have more inner space available, more radiance, and that is so precious.

Dr. Fanny: 14:37

And when you do that, so completing the stress cycle is about reclaiming that. It's about honoring that. When something happened, a conditioning or a trauma, if you wanted to run and couldn't, your body needs the running to release. So you can just run on the spot and do some movement to get it released. Just move your legs or move your arms or have a good shake. It's just allowing your body to process the muscle tension, the heart race, every type of sensation that hasn't been really acknowledged and didn't have this space to express, so that your body can get back to the homeostasis like normal, usual state.

Dr. Fanny: 15:31

And when you complete those stress cycles, so when you honor the anger that comes, when you honor the sadness that comes, then your body increases the tolerance because it feels less afraid of what's going on inside. Like it feels Afraid is kind of a weird world, but what I like about it is how the body gets into a contraction reaction where you don't feel anything and because for a nervous system it's unbearable to maintain these sensations, these fears, these conditioning, these traumas for such a long time. We end up being disconnected when we're constantly told on a regular basis that whatever we do, we will never be enough, whereas sorry, even whether it's from being conditioned as a woman or someone having a condition or health specificity, all of these messages are stuck in our bodies and we need to get that out. Like we are allowed to be angry, we are allowed to be sad and to truly heal something. You need to feel it. Just feel the sensations, though. Don't feel the story.

Jen: 16:54

The story sucks but Well, and when you complete the stress cycle, are you feeling less numb or connected to yourself?

Dr. Fanny: 17:02

Yeah, that's how it works, it's because, yeah, that's how it works, because when the sensations have gone through, like the process have finished, then there is space for something else and there is space for pleasure and there is space. I like the idea of when, you know I don't know if you've ever seen like a horse falling on the competition or something like they wake up and just shake everything out and then they're good to go. And we need that too Like when we get surprised or when something, someone is telling us something mean, we're told be a good girl. Good girls, don't cry. Good girls, stay quiet. Like you're so smart, get over it.

Dr. Fanny: 17:50

No, I have the right to be angry, I have the right to be mad at that person, and this is so visible in their sex lives, because there are so many expectations about who we are supposed to be, what we are supposed to say and who we are supposed to be, as we mentioned the intercourse expectation at the beginning and acknowledging that this is not truly who you want to be. And to do that you need the connection to your body. And to get the connection to your body you need to move it or laugh or just bring space in it, and there are several ways to do that.

Jen: 19:27

All right. How does self-consent change the dynamic in the relationship I love?

Dr. Fanny: 19:34

talking about self-consent. I could go on and on and on for hours. So catch me if I do that.

Jen: 19:41

Hey, I'm here for it.

Dr. Fanny: 19:43

I think self-consent is really the next step of consent. Consent, as we know, it is taking rightfully its space in conversations Like consent is yes or yes, please, I want it. Nothing else Like maybe, or silence or just a thought of I need to do this because X, y or Z reason Like this is not consent. So that's the first part. And this happens to our bodies too. For example, I have so many patients coming who have vulvodina, so pain during sex. And when you ask them what is going on in their sex life, like they are forcing themselves to use a tampon three times or four times a day and just pushing through the pain by using a tampon. So how do you expect when every month, for three to seven days a month, you use three to five tampons and just pushing it inside of your body, pushing through pain, how do you expect penetration to be nice after that? And so that's when self-consent comes in, because so many of us get advice from sex therapist or sex coach or just people right on people on social media of, okay, do more self-pleasure practices or do this, or touch your breasts or just really do this this way X times a week, can feel really appealing because it's very simple and it's in reality it's 100% different from what you actually want, and the idea in here is to notice that your body can talk to you, and I think so many of us with health specificity as well are really aware of that and sometimes really painfully aware of that. And what I like studying from the tantric philosophy that I studied is how everything is supposed, or everything is kind of universal consciousness, so you can talk to your body, you can talk to your back, you can talk to your neck, you can talk to your organs, like they listen and they will give you answers too. Like not maybe in sense of words, but maybe in sensations, contraction, tingling, called heart expansion, like those tiny sensations are from your body, minds, or the intersection of what is in your mind and in your body, and when you get a tune to them, suddenly you can understand what is a yes and what is a no. So, before a self pleasure practice, do I want to get penetrated by something today, yes or no, whether it's a penis, a dildo, a glass egg or just your fingers, allowing the space of asking yourself do I want this, do I truly want this? And most importantly then, don't move forward if you don't hear a yes, because we have such tendency to okay, I didn't hear a no, and that means it's a yes no. As we mentioned at the beginning, yes is yes, consent is yes, it's not the absence of no.

Dr. Fanny: 23:33

And so, to get back to the beginning of your question, is how things are, how self-consent is important in the relationship. First because, let's be honest, it can mess things up if you haven't really connected to it before, because suddenly what was okay can be not okay anymore, because it doesn't feel aligned, and that's okay. Sometimes, when you notice if the partnership is healthy or not, and when you connect sorry, when you get the self-consent back, then you are able to attune inside and hear inside what's a yes and what's a no, and so you can build something new with the person in front of you and from the dynamic that is emerging from that, you create something new. As we said at the beginning about the buffet that our whole body is, that's the same. When you reconnect to self-consent, you then have the ability to explore and be conscious of your whole body, and when you do that and have a person in front of you that is doing that too, you get so much more diversity than intercourse expectation, as we mentioned at the beginning.

Jen: 24:54

The thing is, there's something else important that we need to bring up, too, is how to begin the conversations, because once we give ourselves the consent and once we start working on all these tasks within ourselves, we need to move forward with the conversations, and for some people maybe it was the way we were raised. Like I said before, they cringe, they shut down at the idea of having that conversation. Do you have maybe some suggestions and baby steps on how to even begin that conversation?

Dr. Fanny: 25:30

Yes, first acknowledge that, acknowledge and look out sorry, let me say that again. So first, maybe, see if you are really a yes to this partnership. There is this big step of so many of us contracting because we don't feel comfortable in our partnership and are not trusting this partner that we are with, or partner or partners that we are with. I am not saying that if you don't feel safe in your partnership, that means this partner is not for you. It's a different dynamic, whether this partner is the one or it's the one that I won't spend time with and building the safety of the container in your partnership. So there's that, like it says inside are you truly a yes to this person and do you feel safe enough to bring that up? Yes or no? Because you can give you, I could give you what to say. If your nervous system gets into panic mode and freezes when you bring up this conversation, nothing will come out of it.

Dr. Fanny: 26:46

So, first assessing that.

Dr. Fanny: 26:48

Then, regarding the conversation itself, I think it's always a good idea to just share what you're doing at the moment, like, hey, I have listened to this podcast, this amazing episode from my Spoonie Sisters, or I've seen this person on Instagram.

Dr. Fanny: 27:06

More, I've listened to this podcast or downloaded this ebook, so sharing the resources you've been playing with, and that also helps you build the safety in the partnership, because you're sharing with the person you're with what you're learning and what you are discovering about yourself. And that also helps to see if the person is interested in that or not, because if you are with someone that truly cares about you, they would have interest in something that makes you feel better. Not saying that they have to, but it's usually a good sign If you are in a partnership where both of all of the partners are dedicated to bring the best out of each other. Usually it comes with interest or just acknowledgement and respect to what is going on in this partnership or what in sorry in when the partner is experiencing. Having said that, I'm sorry, there are weird noise here. Can you hear them?

Jen: 28:16

I don't hear anything.

Dr. Fanny: 28:18

Okay, you're going to have. Okay, good, I heard weird noises and I was like, okay, oh God, I hope she doesn't get that, sorry. And so, having said that, the idea, when you feel ready and safe enough in your body and connected enough to your body, is to invite the partner or partners to play with you and continue increasing, deepening the depth. Increasing the depth or deepening what you are playing with and sensations, the ways of playing you are using and inviting your partner in it. It's really, in my opinion, a matter of sharing, and it can be really really challenging. I just wanted to put that out there as well.

Dr. Fanny: 29:10

Like sharing what you are doing and sharing your personal evolution Require is courage. Like share that with someone who has seen you in a certain way for a certain time and actually owning that hey, I want to do things different requires courage, requires commitment, and yet you deserve that, because if you don't do it for yourself, nobody will do it for you. At the end of the day, you are the one having your own back. You're the one who can have your back the best.

Jen: 29:51

I could not agree with you anymore. I have a question for you from the audience how does medication affect your sex drive and what to do about it? Because you know there's so many side effects that we're facing with these medications, so how do you combat that?

Dr. Fanny: 30:07

Yeah, that's such an interesting and important question. The first is be sure that this medication is truly needed and that there's no alternative, because so many of us are just told, we're not even told. We're like, okay, that's a side effect, that maybe that is not worth telling. The idea of considering a low libido from your medication, like if you had a rash, you would stop that medication right away. If you notice that this medication is lowering your libido and you can really see the difference from the medication, go back to your doctor and say and ask is this the only one available? Like I don't know how it works in the US, but in France we have what we call Rénéric. So like you have the main molecule and then the pharmaceutical company provide the same molecule but it doesn't have the same name. But usually the secondary parts of the medication can be different, so maybe one will have this side effect and the other won't. So check with your healthcare practitioner and doctor first if this is a medication that you need and is there alternatives? Really first doing that because your sex life is important. That being said, some medication can really increase libido, but usually it's the other way around. Also because when you have a chronic condition or a health specificity. There's so many things at play than medication. The idea when you have the confirmation that this is the molecule and there is no alternative is to give grace to yourself, because libido and human connection are so I don't like the word complex, I would say so interesting. There are so many roots. Yes, maybe the medication is decreasing your libido at the moment, but how? How do you feel in your body? How is your hormonal balance? Do you eat healthy or do you self-abandon on a daily basis? I think, when it's really hard for some of us with health specificity to know that this part is less easy than for people who don't have these, because I'm trying to find a metaphor here but somehow I can't it's just that if you take libido, that comes from hormonal and the medication and how you eat and the quality and the safety of your partnership container, and there are so many other roots and topics that you can take care of that you can work on or play with. So if the medication is really lowering and affecting your libido, use that first as an opportunity to heal other roots.

Dr. Fanny: 33:40

Come home to yourself and reconnect to what we mentioned at the beginning, starting to slow, awakening your senses and building pleasure. Oh, my libido has disappeared. And when you look deeper you're like I actually don't know what is bringing me pleasure. I actually don't know what my senses are, because when we take medication, usually we have a complex relationship with our bodies, or at least a different relationship with our bodies, and it's really an opportunity to start befriending yourself. Use that as an opportunity to build something different and build something that first was different before and that may be different from what everyone is expecting. And what is society telling you? Again, expectation, like intercourse expectation that we mentioned. They have a happy sex life and they are taking time to masturbate with their partners or exchanging masturbation. It's really an opportunity, when you face a medication effect, to redefine what is a happy sex life for you. What is your libido doing for you? How do you want?

Jen: 35:15

to play. I think an important thing to bring out too is that we have this expectation of ourselves and of our libido to be like the movies, and reality is our lives are not movies. It's just not going to work that way. You're not going to come home from a fancy dinner with your spouse and suddenly look at them and be like let me throw you against the wall. It doesn't always work that way.

Dr. Fanny: 35:42

Oh, and even more than that, there is this whole concept about the accelerators and the brakes, about how you desire reacts to what will be stopping you and what would excite you, like if you have you mentioned so, after coming from a fancy dinner, but if you're exhausted after taking care of the kids for your whole day, like you have your whole brakes on. It's a matter of playing with what excites you and what is slowing you down, and acknowledging that every intensity, every spark of pleasure is valuable. And it's really learning to play with them, to play with this pleasure, with these sparks, with this libido, with whatever. You are acknowledging that it makes you feel good and some things are putting you in a good mood and some things are putting the brakes on and you're like, well, no, don't touch me, it's really. In the end, it's always a balance and this balance comes from many roots, and many, yeah, many roots.

Jen: 37:03

Well, and my unprofessional recommendation to our listeners would say hey, if you're going to go out to a fancy dinner, don't overindulge. If you are so full that by the time you get home, all you want to do is pass out, you might have done a disservice to yourself. I love that.

Dr. Fanny: 37:24

And I think thank you for saying that I love it. And I think one of the things that I forgot and that we tend to forgot is also to not take ourselves so seriously. Like as well. Like we have one life, it's time to live it and it's time to have fun with it, and I can see how it can be challenging regarding what you are facing on a daily basis. And sex is also something that is supposed to bring your pleasure, that is supposed to make you feel good, and so many of us can be stuck into again the expectations we mentioned at the beginning, or the unprocessed stress cycle, the non-finished stress cycle. Suddenly it becomes heavy and weighted To do, task on sorry, another task on our to-do list that we have to study and figure out and understand. We have so many of them already. Like, can we at least release the pressure of this and have fun?

Jen: 38:32

Absolutely. It's time to have more fun. We need that in our lives, especially because I'm sure that our listeners like myself, like yourself, we are living with enough already and so we deserve we deserve it. At the end of the day, we do Okay. We could go on for hours, I'm sure. What would you like to close with with our listeners today?

Dr. Fanny: 38:55

What I always share from the bottom of my heart you're normal. You can think, however broken you are, there is nothing wrong with you. The world we're living in is twisted and we're changing it, but there is nothing wrong with you Coming home and acknowledging that coming home can be really nice and sometimes really suck because home is just thinking about your family of origin. They could challenge you when you come home. Same goes for your body, like coming home in your body. Sometimes you're just like you know why are you reacting like this? Why are you doing that? Some things like that? I think in the end it's just that you are normal and nothing is worth you making yourself feeling bad.

Jen: 40:00

Thank you for your time. I cannot wait to see what you bring to us next time and yeah, once again, thank you.

Dr. Fanny: 40:06

Thank you so much for having me.

Jen: 40:09

Absolutely Well, my spoony sisters, until next time, don't forget your spoon.