Episode 172: Gentle Parenting Meets Shoelaces And Loses

Kids used to learn toilet training and shoe tying like a normal rite of passage. Now, early childhood educators are saying something has shifted, and it is showing up in classrooms as weaker fine motor skills, gross motor skills, self-regulation, and trouble following simple instructions. If you are a parent trying to make sense of what is happening in K-12 public education and how it connects to what happens at home, this conversation is for you.

I walk through what a recent Education Week Research Center survey reported from pre-K to 3rd-grade educators, including eye-opening numbers on shoe tying, directions, and the belief that increased screen time and parenting trends are contributing to developmental delays in age-appropriate skills. I also connect those observations to research published in JAMA on developmental milestone changes in children ages 0 to 5 and on why ongoing monitoring matters when long-term outcomes remain uncertain.

Then I get practical by breaking down the four main parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive (gentle), and neglectful. I explain how each approach can shape independence, emotional regulation, resilience, and the everyday life skills that help children thrive once academic demands ramp up. You will leave with clear action steps to strengthen foundational skills at home, set boundaries with warmth, and stop measuring your worth as a parent by perfect outcomes.

After you listen, share this with a friend and leave a quick review so more families can find it, then send me your thoughts on the episode page at K12EducationInsights.buzzsprout.com. What changes are you seeing in your child or in your community?

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Transcript

Welcome And Podcast Mission

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Welcome to another episode of K-12 Public Education Insights, Empowering Parents of Color Podcast. The podcast that converges at the intersection of educational research and parental actions. It's about making the trends, topics, and theories in public education understandable so that you can implement them into practical, actionable strategies that work for your children. My name is Dr. Kim J. Fields, former corporate manager, turned education researcher, and advocate, and I'm the host of this podcast. I got into this space after dealing with some frustrating interactions with school educators and administrators, as well as experiencing the microaggressions that I faced as an African-American mom raising my two kids who were in the public school system. I really wanted to understand how teachers were trained and what the research provided about the challenges of the public education system. Once I gained the information and the insights that I needed, I was then equipped to be able to successfully support my children in their educational progress. This battle-tested experience is what I provide as action steps for you to take. It's like enjoying a bowl of educational research with a sprinkling of motherwit wisdom on top. If you're looking to find out more about the current information and issues in education that could affect you or your children, and the action steps you can take to give your children the advantages they need, then you're in the right place. Thanks for tuning in today. I know that staying informed about K-12 public education trends and topics is important to you, so keep listening. Give me 30 minutes or less, and I'll provide insights on the latest trends, issues, and topics pertaining to this constantly evolving K-12 public education environment. Remember when learning how to use the potty and how to tie your shoes was a rite of passage as a young kid? This no longer seems to be the case. Teachers are starting to see declines in young students' motor skills and other basic tasks. In this episode, I discuss the concerns surrounding declines in motor skills and other basic skills and how these may be correlated to parenting types. Let's gain some insight on this. Long before the traditional assessments in the form of national standardized tests were taken by students in grades four, eight, and twelve, these assessments in reading and math proficiency determined academic achievement. Students acquired other foundational skills before those traditional assessments were in place, and those foundational skills shape how well they learn in school. Many of these skills include motor skills, self-regulation, and social emotional maturity, and these are rarely measured in formal assessments. However, in a January 2026 Education Week Research Center survey, roughly 1,200 early educators and administrators who work with children in pre-K through third grade evaluated students' behavior, emotional regulation, motor development, and other foundational skills. These respondents also were asked whether today's students in pre-K through third grade struggle more with basic skills in daily tasks than their same age peers two years ago. Their responses showed some concerning patterns across multiple areas, from everyday classroom routines to emotional regulation. Educators reported that young children are struggling more now than in recent years. For example, 54% of the survey respondents reported that tying their own shoes was more challenging with their current students than it was for students of the same age two years ago. 72% of the survey respondents reported that following instructions was more challenging for their current students than it was for students of the same age two years ago. And 77% of survey respondents reported that increased screen time and parenting trends were contributing factors to the decline in age-appropriate motor skills among their current students compared with students of the same age two years ago. These early childhood educators also indicated that students' gross motor skills declined as well. Children coming into their classrooms, not being able to hold crayons, stack blocks, put on coats, etc. And educators were noticing a decline in the desire to do these types of activities. They noted a lack of development in these students participating in many of the activities that make early learning engaging, like building with blocks and drawing. When those skills lag, teachers may struggle to pique the students' interest in the academic learning that dominates K-12 education. These declines in motor skills not only is applied to three-year-olds and four-year-olds, but it was also applied to five-year-olds and six-year-olds. These findings were corroborated by a study in the Journal of the American Medical Association in 2024. After interviewing over 50,000 parents and caregivers with children ages 0 to 5, researchers found communications scored decreases of approximately 3% and 2% on personal, social, and problem-solving areas, respectively. The study also found decreases in age-specific gross motor skills and the gross motor skill scores for that particular domain. One conclusion of the study in the Journal of the American Medical Association was that continued attention to monitoring developmental milestones is critical since the long-term implications of these changes remain unclear. More research is needed to understand whether children can catch up after school development or whether developmental issues may manifest later, such as entry into kindergarten. Focused efforts to support early childhood development will require increased capacity and funding from various governmental organizations so as to provide early intervention. Educators attributed increased screen time and parenting trends as contributing factors to the decline in age-appropriate motor skills. So, what are those parenting trends? Let's talk about the four types of parenting styles. First, let's just admit that parenting is no easy job. The long-term goal of a parent is to prepare their children to be adults who are capable of taking care of themselves and can solve their own problems. Parenting is about guiding and supporting children while they make their own mistakes, take on age-appropriate responsibilities, think for themselves, and overcome difficulties. Parenting styles come into play when you choose how you're going to guide and support your children. The four primary parenting styles are authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, or as I like to say, gentle parenting, and neglectful. Sometimes different situations require different styles of parenting. Authoritative parenting is usually considered the ideal parenting style because of its combination of warmth and flexibility while still making it clear that the parents are in charge. Children of authoritative parents know what is expected of them. Their parents may explain reasons for the rules as well as consequences for breaking those rules. Parents with this parenting style listen to their children's opinions, but the parent still remains the ultimate decision maker. Authoritative parents develop close, nurturing relationships with their children, and their children tend to grow up more confident, responsible, and capable of managing their emotions. They are also friendly, curious, and achievement oriented, according to licensed social workers in this specialty. Authoritarian parents use strict rules, have high standards, and use punishment to regulate the child's behavior. Authoritarian parents have high expectations and are not flexible on them. This is the parenting style I grew up with and used as the primary parenting style with my children. Right or wrong. Children of authoritarian parents are good at following instructions and behave well. Child sociologists indicate that these children might grow up with a fear of punishment and lack experience making their own decisions. Some children might become aggressively rebellious, lack social skills, and may have difficulty making sound decisions on their own. But based on my personal experience, I have not seen this to be true with either my siblings or with my own children. What I have seen are adults who are well behaved, high achievers, and quite capable of making their own decisions. An example of an authoritarian parenting style would be at mealtimes. The authoritarian parents might enforce rules such as children eating the same meal as everyone else or finishing everything on their plates. However, the family is unlikely to discuss why they need certain foods and how those foods fit into their culture or affect the child's health. Permissive parents might pride themselves on being their child's best friend. These parents are warm and nurturing with open communication. They are actively involved in their children's emotional well-being, and they tend to have low expectations and use discipline sparingly. Permissive parents let their children make their own choices, but then bail them out if it doesn't go well. I have not seen one instance where permissive or gentle parenting works to the benefit of the child. Your child is not your best friend. If a friendship develops between you and your child, it's usually after you have raised that child and they return to you, so to speak, in sharing confidences and seeking guidance. Children of permissive parents have the freedom to make decisions like what to eat, when to go to bed, and whether to do their homework. These children tend to have a good self-esteem and social skills, but they can be impulsive, demanding, and lack the ability to self-regulate. Permissive parents often try to control their child's environment so that the child doesn't have to experience rejection or failure. This only leads to unrealistic expectations as the child enters adulthood unprepared. Just my two cents work, but I'm not sure who came up with the concept of gentle parenting, but it doesn't work. It's ineffective, especially for children of color. From the families that I've seen who use this approach, the outcomes are not only disappointing, but abysmal. And finally, the last type of parenting style is neglectful parents. Neglectful parents fulfill the child's basic needs, but they pay little attention to the child. These parents don't offer minimal nurturing and have few expectations or limitations for their child. This may not be a conscious choice that the parents make, but it may be forced by circumstance, such as the need to work in relationships in their career lives. It may also be a circumstance of single parenting, mental health concerns, or overall family troubles. Children of neglectful parents usually grow up to be resilient and self-sufficient out of necessity. They tend to have trouble controlling emotions, don't develop effective coping strategies, and they have difficulty maintaining social relationships. They tend to have low self-esteem and might seek out inappropriate role models. An example of neglecting parenting style would be parents who are uninvolved to the point of not buying groceries or planning meals consistently. This could leave the child concerned about when they will eat next. This is unsettling for the child, but these children often have an easier time leaving home when it's time to go. Let's tie the parenting style back to the opening discussion about young children lacking basic foundational skills of toileting and tying their shoes. Authoritative parents explain why these and other foundational skills are necessary and reinforce the training necessary for their children to succeed in achieving these skills. Authoritarian parents provide this training as well, although consequences of not conforming to the training may be harsh. Permissive parents who let their children decide what they want to do may extend the time frame for accomplishing these foundational skills to the point where party training is completed at age four, and shoe tying may never be accomplished. Neglectful parents leave the foundational skills training to other caregivers, which could be older siblings, to perform the training for these foundational skills. And just so you know, authoritative parenting is the most recommended parenting style by the experts. The combination of clear communication and age-appropriate standards can lead to emotionally stable adults who can handle themselves in social situations and set goals for themselves. To take an authoritative approach, you can one set clear boundaries and communicate them to your children. Two, offer children choices and have discussions about what's appropriate. For example, you can choose which pajamas you want to wear to bed, but you cannot wear your winter coat to bed because it will be too warm. 3. They listen to and explore their children's emotional health concerns, and four, they frequently express love and affection. A helpful approach can be to use praise and positive reinforcement to encourage desired behavior. Ignore anything annoying but not dangerous, for these attempts at getting attention may not work. Those attempts and behaviors may include banging on a wall or stomping or whining, and the best approach for those is to ignore the behavior, not the child. Authoritative parenting may be the most recommended, but the bottom line is that there is no parenting style that is guaranteed to produce perfectly adjusted children. Everyone experiences difficulties. No one's child is going to go through life being liked by everyone or not experiencing failure or disappointment. So, what can you do with the information that I just shared? Here are the action steps you can take regarding parenting styles and their effect on your child's mastering foundational skills of motor skills, toilet training, and tying their shoes. Since your children will inevitably go through different moments, it's best to equip them with the ability to bounce back or to be resilient. This works best if your children have had some practice from being allowed to try something and fail in a safe environment. It's hard not to see your child's successes or failures as a reflection of your parenting style. Try looking at the bigger picture though. It's your job to give your child the tools they need, not trying to control every aspect of the situation. You should not measure your work as a parent on how successful or unsuccessful your children are, because at some point, especially in adulthood, they have to take on the responsibility for their own lives. As I like to say, I sleep well at night, knowing that I did the best that I could with the resources that I had to raise my two children, who are independent, kind, fully functioning, contributing members of this society who can take care of themselves. What jobs they chose to do, how well they perform on those jobs, that's on them. I know I gave them the tools to be successful in pretty much any life situation, on the personal side or on the professional side. If you need to make adjustments to your parenting style, do so with the consideration of what best benefits your child. Sometimes it's helpful to reflect on the parenting style you were raised under and make modifications to that where a middle ground might work better. To build the foundation for your children to enter school having mastered foundational skills that lead to academic success, ensure that they have successfully mastered age appropriate skills, fine motor skills, gross motor skills, and Emotional regulation skills. If you make mistakes along the way, and you will, give yourself some grace and know that there is no perfect way to parent. We're all doing the best we can. Here are this episode's takeaways. Across multiple areas, from everyday classroom routines to emotional regulation, educators have reported that young children are struggling more now than in recent years. For example, 54% of survey respondents to an Education Week Research Center survey reported that tying their own shoes was more challenging with the current students than it was for students of the same age two years ago. 72% of the survey respondents reported that following instructions was more challenging for their current students than it was for students of the same age two years ago. And 77% of the survey respondents reported that increased screen time and parenting trends were contributing factors to the decline in age-appropriate motor skills among their current students compared with students of the same age two years ago. Educators attributed increased screen time and parenting trends as the contributing factors to the decline in age-appropriate motor skills. What are your thoughts about my discussion for the decline in age-appropriate foundational skills due to increased screen time and parenting styles? Let me know your experience with this by leaving me a text comment on my podcast website, K12Education Insights.budsprout.com. Here's how you can leave a text comment. Go to the episode description page and click on the send me a text message link. Again, it's K12Education Insights.budsprout.com. If you enjoyed this episode, why not listen to another episode from my catalog? It can take as little as 15 minutes of your day. And remember, new episodes come out every Tuesday. Thanks for listening today. Be sure to come back for more insights on K-12 educational topics that impact you and your children. And remember to share my podcast with anyone that you think would find it valuable. That includes your friends, family, and your community. Until next time, learn something new every day.