Breaking the Chains of Stoicism for Authentic Connection with Ryan Speltz

Join us for an eye-opening journey into the power of vulnerability with Ryan Speltz, an influential figure in the mortgage industry, as he dismantles the misconception that showing vulnerability is a weakness for men. Together, we delve deep into the strength and resilience that come from open communication, exploring Ryan's journey as a husband, soon-to-be father, author, and podcast host. Stripping away the facade, we candidly discuss the highs and lows that shape our internal dialogue and social impact. We highlight the importance of transparency in personal growth and community building, especially in platforms like Zoom that have revolutionized connectivity during challenging times.

As the conversation unfolds, we delve into the art of storytelling in personal growth and recovery, navigating the delicate balance between openness and discretion. Ryan shares invaluable insights on servant leadership, emphasizing the profound impact of serving others and fostering a sense of connection and support. Don't miss this inspiring and empowering discussion that challenges societal norms and encourages authenticity, reminding listeners that they are not alone in their journey toward self-discovery and personal growth.

NOTABLE QUOTES
"If you're not having people show up for your stuff, why don't you just try and do it virtually instead, that way, if they don't show up, you're already on the computer, you can get some work done or something instead." – Philip
"When we're strong enough in our own internal, it makes [us] stronger and it makes you appear stronger to the outside world." – Ryan
"There's always somebody out there that wants what you have. They want the information you have. They want the life that you have. There's always somebody there." – Ryan
"[Coaching is] not about being 10 or 20 steps ahead of somebody. It could be as little as one step ahead of somebody, but you're that one step ahead of that person that you can tell them how you got there." – Philip
"You are not alone. There's somebody else out there going through the same thing or that has gone through the same thing, so you're not the only one." – Ryan
“[Be] open, because other people can't.” – Ryan
"You're going to be able to help more people by posting the vulnerable stuff versus the [number] of people you get judged by for posting it." – Philip
“If someone's engaging with you [on social media], you are the one that makes it positive or negative by your response." – Ryan
"I'm now looking at [negative comments] as just another way for us to interact with an audience that we didn't know we had." – Ryan
"While you're going to get more negative comments, you're also going to get more positive comments.." – Philip
“The more you tell your story, the more strength comes into you, and the more you can share that power and not worry about it.” – Ryan
“When we start losing what we have, it [isn't] for us anyway.” – Ryan
“I'm doing the thing I'm supposed to be doing, but is it helping move the needle forward?” – Philip
“How do I serve first?” – Ryan

RESOURCES
Ryan
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kickbuttmortgageguy
Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/kickbuttmortgageguy/
Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@kickbuttmortgageguy
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@onemansjourney22

Philip
Digital Course: https://www.speakingsessions.com/digital-course
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/iamphilipsessions/?hl=en
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@philipsessions
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/philip-sessions-b2986563/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/therealphilipsessions

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:16

What's going on, guys? Welcome back to another episode of the Speaking Sessions podcast. I'm your host, phillip Sessions, your public speaking and communications coach, and I've got Ryan Speltz here. He comes with almost a decade of experience in the mortgage industry and having had the privilege of helping hundreds of families and purchasing their first home. Ryan has seen the best and the worst of the mortgage industry, and right now it's pretty crazy.

Speaker 1: 0:44

Much of Ryan's time has spent exploring the deeper workings of mindset, positivity and thought, and how it relates to feelings, emotions and the heart. He fully believes that when you lead with the heart, deep connections and bonds can be made much easier, and growth is abundant in this place. Ryan is also a husband, a father to be, an author, a landlord, an entrepreneur and a podcast host of multiple shows. He and his wife own a home in Puerto Rico and spend as much time there as their schedules allow, and so reach out to him if you want to connect, and we'll get that information here at the end. But today we're going to be talking about a man's journey and how we as men ought to communicate. But before we get into that, ryan, welcome to the show. Glad to have you here, thanks.

Speaker 2: 1:35

Phillip, a huge fan of yours and what you put out there on social and just the value that you provide.

Speaker 1: 1:40

So really, appreciate being here. Yeah Well, I'm glad to have you here and having a house in Puerto Rico. I'm kind of curious on that. How is that? I've heard of people having houses, like in Mexico or other Caribbean places and whatnot, that are not in the States. How is that? First of all, it's awesome.

Speaker 2: 1:58

That's where I'm at right now. We're in, actually, one of the bedrooms. I kind of created a little podcasting area in here because it's what we like. We said got a couple of shows, so just got the soundproofing almost all the way up. There's a couple of cuts to make yet, but got that going and spend some time here. It's a fantastic place to be in Puerto Rico. In general. It's there's so much to do and that's why when we came in during COVID, we're just we've found a deal and jumped all over it. So nice.

Speaker 1: 2:23

I like it. It seems like a I feel like there were several people that did that during COVID found another place to go really kind of vacation at, get away from the craziness of the States Although other places were pretty crazy as well, but just being able to get out of the States and all the craziness there was probably a good thing, and not being confined at the house. But I'm curious because I know we've scheduled for me to be on your podcast, a Man's Journey and everything, and so not to necessarily dive into the podcast, but I I love that title there and then A Man's Journey and how it's changed over the years. I'm curious what made you decide to start that podcast and then really even just title it A Man's Journey.

Speaker 2: 3:05

Yeah, the story comes over time really. I've been, you know, like I said, I'm in the mortgage industry for 10 years. I found an amazing coaching program, probably seven years ago now, and it fulfilled that interaction piece, that like we can talk about real stuff. We're not. You know, in the real estate industry there's a lot of embellishment and a lot of people are coming out like I'm closing 15 deals a month when they're really closing three, and it's just this. You know this lifestyle, you have to sell right, and so a lot of that comes in the forefront and so you recognize that in your interaction.

Speaker 2: 3:38

So during this coaching program, a lot of that was able to be taken away from me. So I was able to entertain, you know, be in that group and in that community, and then that that coaching program started to grow a little bit and you know, as things go, they start scaling and they're still producing amazing content and I still still am involved with the program. But that one-on-one piece kind of went away for me and so I just started doing some thinking and really just trying to figure out how do I get that back into my life. And I was searching and I was searching and I got.

Speaker 2: 4:11

You know we were talking earlier about, before the show, about the monthly membership fees and all of that kind of stuff, and I was finding and as you know, I had four different coaching programs that I was paying for at the time just like searching and searching and wanting it to come.

Speaker 2: 4:23

And then I just got to a point of like why the heck don't I just create this for myself? And so that's where the idea came from, and one man's journey was born from that, and really the Facebook group was the start. And then there was a ton of passion for me up front of just creating a bunch of things and, you know, adding more of those monthly fees for myself to create value out of. And then you kind of back off after you recognize like you don't really need all that stuff. It's more about this. And so now the podcast has kind of been become the sole focus and you know, just being able to interact like this and you know, gonna have you on in the future and it's starting to put us into rooms that you know I'd never thought I'd be in and it's a fantastic, fantastic way to learn from people and teach people at the same time.

Speaker 1: 5:05

Yes and zoom, which really I know it was there before COVID, but I feel like it exploded or not just feel it did explode during COVID, and so a video doing podcasts like this was already kind of a thing you did. On zoom, you are zooming all the time, but now doing these virtual events, meeting people virtually things of that nature is happening so much more and that's something we kind of talked about a little bit offline as well, that hey, if you're not having people show up for your stuff, why don't you just try and do it virtually instead, so that way, if they don't show up, you're already on the computer. You can get some work done or something instead. As a side note there. But when you say this I saw you kind of back and forth, so those of that aren't watching the video.

Speaker 1: 5:51

What Ryan was talking about was just having a conversation between two people and as men there's really kind of two sides of that. One side is most men, especially, I would say, in their households. They probably can't talk too much. They have to be that firm foundation, the rock to lean on and everything. They have to be that leader of the house, the household, not show any chinks in their armor or anything like that. They have to show that they are strong and invincible and everything but on the other side, that really breaks them down on the inside. And yet then, when you try to have a conversation not necessarily in the household, but when you're having these conversations sometimes it makes you look like you're a weak man, perhaps. So how do we go about having these conversations as men, where we're being more vulnerable, being transparent about hard times and issues going on in our lives perhaps, whether it be intimate relationship or business or whatever without looking like we're also weak?

Speaker 2: 6:57

Yeah, that's a really a lot of where one man's journey came from as well. Was that kind of a concept? So I appreciate you bringing that up and for me, I grew up in a town of about 500 people and when I was there it was actually 697 for my entire time growing up. They didn't even have to change the sign after the census when I was in the middle of my growing up. It was 697 for 20 years straight.

Speaker 2: 7:20

And so growing up there in small towns in Minnesota, farm country, all of the stigma that comes with that right, like the demand thing, you go to work on the farm and your wife makes dinner and you come home and you eat and then you sleep in it. You wake up and you do the same thing the next day, and so a lot of that thought process I see throughout the world in different volumes, right, different scales. And so being able to break that down a little bit, when we can all recognize that we're all having the same feelings and the same thoughts and the same concepts, we don't have to worry about presenting as weak as you put it, because when we're strong enough in our own internal, when you start having those conversations, it actually makes you stronger and it actually makes you appear stronger to the outside world, and I have data backing this up with interactions on Facebook posts that I've made and a lot of the posts I make like I just made one a couple of days ago about being just vulnerable, post coming. Here's what I failed at in January and I listed off six things and then I also listed off the things that weren't listed in those six things. Right, so only closed one mortgage loan in January, but I made someone's dream home come true.

Speaker 2: 8:39

So when you start to really conceptualize all that and just starting being open, you find so much strength and that's what I've been able to do, especially through one man's journey is being able to interact with people like you and other people that are having issues, bringing those issues up.

Speaker 2: 8:54

I can get them to bring them up and then they feel powerful afterwards because they're able to tell their story. Somebody wants to listen to them and that's the biggest thing is, we're always worried about somebody not wanting to hear what we have to say and once we get over that hump, there's always somebody out there that wants what you have. They want the information you have, they want the life that you have. There's always somebody there and, as I do these podcasts, there's one theme that's been super prevalent within the last week to weeks is how are you helping people get from where you were to where you are? Because somebody's trying to do it, and so how do you help them get from where you were to where you are? And it's like I said, it's a message that's ringing through all of the episodes that I've filmed lately.

Speaker 1: 9:44

And it made me think of two things. So one, when we think about the richest man in the world, we can point to that very easily, or we can say one of the richest people being like Elon Musk, jeff Bezos probably the two that most people think of, and I really don't know if they're really the richest in the world, but they're definitely up there as one of the richest people in the world, for sure but we never talk about the flip side the poorest person in the world. Who is the poorest person in the world? And so the reason why I say this is because, when we talk about our journey, we're most likely not the poorest person in the world. We're probably not the what's called the stupidest person in our industry. Yes, we may not be the richest or the smartest or the best, but we're also not the worst or the dumbest or anything like that, in our industry too, which goes to the point that you just brought up that there's somebody that wishes they were like us. There's somebody that wishes they had the knowledge, the information, the riches, the love, whatever it is that we have.

Speaker 1: 10:46

And I love that you brought that point up, because that's exactly what I talk about when I talk to clients about what can they share. It's not about being 10 or 20 steps ahead of somebody. It could be as little as one step ahead of somebody, but you're that one step ahead of that person that you can tell them how you got there. You went from point A to point B, not point A to Z, just A to B. That's all they need. And, yes, they may pass you up and go on and to somebody else who can get them to C and D and E and F, but it's about are you helping teach them to get from point A to point B? And you just have to be right ahead of them, like you were saying.

Speaker 2: 11:27

Yeah, and that leads into the slogan for me for One Man's Journey is you are not alone or you're not the only one, and so, like you said, there's somebody else out there going through the same thing or that has gone through the same thing, and so you're not the only one. And so if you're sharing, whether that person responds to you or not, there's somebody out there that's looking at that and going thank God that guy shared it, because I don't have the strength to, and so I've taken that as the mission piece of the whole thing is, just like I share a lot, I'm pretty open book. There's not a whole lot I don't share, and that's the reason why is because I know somebody out there is looking for that, and whether it's one or a thousand doesn't really matter to me.

Speaker 1: 12:56

But that's what I'm looking for. Yeah, and it's funny Maybe not funny, but you mentioned that and it makes me think of my journey as well. I remember when I was that shy, introverted kid I didn't want to say anything. And as I got more bold and more confident in myself, I started to think about the people that maybe they were too shy to ask that question. They were too shy to admit that they didn't get it. And so I found myself where there's times where I'm in a group setting with people and there's something I'm like I think I get it, or I pretty much get it, but I just want to make sure. And and, of course, for myself. But I'm like there's probably somebody out here that doesn't get it, but they're too afraid to ask the question.

Speaker 1: 13:39

So I go ahead and ask that question, and then I see this all time on Facebook and I know you do too where people you make a post, they don't like it, they don't comment on it, but they either send you a message or, in person, they're like man, what you talked about last week, oh man, that's what I was thinking about. I wish I could say that, I wish I was strong enough to say it, and I Well what. But first of all I don't even remember posting about that because I've already posted a bunch of other times is I create content all the time? But secondly, it's like why don't you say that on Facebook? Why don't you say that on Instagram? Why tell me in person? I mean, it's nice of telling you in person, but it's like give me some engagement there. Let me know, Like let's let other people know, because if it's just just me saying it or just you, Ryan, saying it, then okay, but we're just one person. If more people can say that, that's going to help out a lot.

Speaker 2: 14:33

And so I think the fear, the fear aspect behind that is the is the big thing there, right, like like you've mentioned, like people are afraid to say things and that's still that like that mental hurdle of them even just making that comment publicly and knowing you know some of it is as well. Like you and I have a pretty decent following People interact with our stuff. A lot of people are seeing what we're posting and so they look at that and go I don't want 10,000 people to see it. I'm not going to post that, you know as, even as a comment. And so you know I very much welcome the messaging and I know you do too and a lot of what we can do in our positions is utilize those as stories to help the other person that's also feeling that way and eventually maybe they get up the courage to say something about it.

Speaker 2: 15:17

I know for a fact that with my sobriety it was something that, like I hid, like when you drink and you do stupid stuff, you come out later on shame and guilt and hide and like hiding underneath it, and I'm sure that's a lot of where my current mentality comes from, of just like say whatever I, you know whatever's come into my head and formulate the communication piece there. But you know, once I started sharing about it, I got a ton of those messages and it was because I was communicating something that somebody else was feeling too, and so that's, that's that piece of being able to just that being open piece, because other people can't. I love that line of thinking.

Speaker 1: 15:55

Yeah, and and I want to take that example real quick because I think this would be good for people that are kind of still on this fence Should I post something or not? Will I be judged for that? And while you know, we know each other and there's other people that I've seen that have posted about sobriety and, depending on my relationship with them, like I don't know them at all, but we just have to be friends on Facebook because we're mutual groups or whatever. That's like all right, cool, whatever, like I'm not too worried about it, like it's not like, oh man, that's awesome, but I'm definitely not like really like, oh, you struggled with that at some point. Like I'm not judging them for sure, I guess I'm really indifferent. But then, like for somebody like you or somebody else that I know, like dude, that's awesome, congrats. Like keep it up.

Speaker 1: 16:39

Because I'm on the other side where I've never struggled with sobriety. I had like one year in college I drank and it just wasn't for me and I never did it before and I've never done it after, and so for me, like I didn't struggle with that and I use this example here to say that you share it and then maybe somebody I don't know, shares it there's. I mean, there's always going to be jerks out there that are going to judge you one way or another, but most people either one they just don't care, so they're not going to say anything and not going to judge you or two, they care about you so much they're going to say something, they're going to support you and they're going to admire you being willing to put that out there because it is. I could see where it could be very embarrassing, where it's like yeah, I can't believe I let something as simple as alcohol take control of me for so long, but I've finally taken control of it. It is a huge feat, for sure, because it's definitely something a lot of people struggle with in everything.

Speaker 1: 17:38

But I use that example just to say that you should post these things, and maybe it's not alcohol specifically, but whatever that thing is that you're thinking about. Man, I'm just not sure if I should post or not. Am I going to be judged or not? You may be, you may not be, but you're going to be able to help more people by posting the vulnerable stuff versus the amount of people you get judged by for posting it. So I just suggest that you post it. And so for those that maybe they're, they're struggling with that still, what are some things, maybe from a mental perspective, that we can help them with or you can give us that will help them overcome that fear and go ahead and post or speak about it anyways?

Speaker 2: 18:22

Yeah, I mean, ultimately, when we break social media down and I believe that's kind of where this is going is, you know, like posting? It is obviously we're talking about social media. When we break it down to a core, everybody's worried about the algorithm and figuring it out and hacking it and then hashtag, like when you're posted, when you're afraid of posting and you haven't posted much. I'm going to just be blunt. I'm just going to see your stuff.

Speaker 1: 18:46

It just doesn't happen.

Speaker 2: 18:47

You're not going to. You're not going to make one post that you think you were scared to make and it's going to go viral and you're going to. You know you may make it lucky like that, but that's like less than 0.01% of posts. So I say that because our entire goal, when we're posting to utilize social media as a platform to grow or to grow our followings, is to create engagement, and if someone's engaging with you, you are the one that makes it positive or negative by your response. And so if you're internalizing that, there's two things you can do.

Speaker 2: 19:18

One is look at it as a trigger and figure out why it's a trigger. Where did that come from? Was it something that your mom or dad said when you were nine that just stuck in your brain, that you can't let go of and it's still affecting you? Or number two is now you flip it to a positive, because they're engaging with your stuff and you've got somebody that maybe they're triggered by it. So now you get to not I'm not saying trigger them farther, obviously, because we can go down that road too but you stay above it and you flip it and you say thanks for the engagement and then you provide the counterpoint.

Speaker 2: 19:50

So now you've done, you've engaged again, you've provided a counterpoint which gives you more content to communicate with, and he brought up something that someone else was thinking and didn't say. So now you're talking to another audience. Those negative comments, for me, I'm all about it, like I'll interact with most of them, even though half of them are bots. Whatever it gives me engagement, I'm cool with it. But that's part of it. For me is I'm now looking at those things as just another way for us to interact with an audience that we didn't know we had.

Speaker 1: 20:21

Hmm, yeah, and really, the more negative comments you get towards something, it's really a polarization which means, while you're going to get more negative comments, you're also going to get more positive comments. You're going to get more comments that are with what you're talking about, along with the ones that are against you. But if you say, stay super lukewarm, middle, you know, on the fence and never really go one side or the other, I mean it's kind of marketing 101. People need to know what you are for, what you stand for, but when you just stay on the fence, people don't know which way you're going to go and so they're therefore not going to engage. So if you're going to talk about something, talk about it and not saying slander people or anything like that, but talk about it.

Speaker 1: 21:08

Don't just kind of bring up oh you know, yeah, I've been sober for a while, like no talk. Go in in some detail about it. Just go to go back to that example, go into detail about that, especially if you start talking about maybe the dark days where you weren't sober and how you felt then versus how you feel now. That's going to help somebody that's struggling. That is not, let's say, 20 years in, like you are that they're on 20 days in and they don't know if they can make it another day. And you talk about how, like the night and day difference between when you're drinking days versus 20 years out, and how much better you feel, that story will probably get them to go at least another day. And if they go back and read it again or see another post from you again, they're going to be encouraged. So, no matter if it is your sobriety or whatever your situation is, that you want to share about your story, that's going to encourage somebody to keep going down that path. That's maybe a little bit behind you on that journey.

Speaker 2: 22:09

And the best part about it is if I would look at it in a selfish light and I look at it as selfish but selfless at the same time, because when we're looking at it they're very similar and I could talk for 20 minutes just on that but being selfish in a way of building yourself up and improving yourself, the more you tell your story, the more strength comes into you and the more you can share that power and not worry about it.

Speaker 2: 22:34

And so when I walk in a room now, I'm not worried about the power vultures. I'll give you as much as you're needing right now. At some point I'll just go. Okay, I'm kind of done giving that to you. But even with you and I holding this space together, you're putting off your power. I'm putting off my power and we put them together and they multiply and we're creating something amazing like a podcast episode. If someone's across the table from you and they can't help you create more, if they're tearing it down, then we start talking about going and finding a different table to sit at, and it's super powerful when you're able to claim that for yourself.

Speaker 1: 23:09

And so this, this really is a good transition for us. Talking about like men, getting together and speaking on different topics, being vulnerable, being transparent with each other and these other little buzzwords that we hear on social media and everything, but really just putting ourselves out there as men. Talk to us about the importance of that, because it seems that men in society today are the evil ones, we're the ones suppressing everybody, and yet really not. We're kind of, really to me it seems to be starting to get flipped where we're, we're be. I don't want to call us the victim, necessarily, but we are being put down so much and we can't stand up for ourselves. So how do we come together as men, or maybe an individual man, be able to come together, find other men to be able to have these conversations with, to help lift each other up?

Speaker 2: 24:06

Huge question even bigger answer. That is is something that it's almost difficult to explain. It's almost like it can only be experienced in the moment, and I'll do my best to explain it with that importance of it is is, like I said, the difference in feeling in yourself and the impact that it creates around you. Because if you're constantly holding everything in and people on video can see it the people like the arm done video can't. But if you're, you're crossing your arms over your chest and you're holding everything in it's the visual of it. What can you grab when your hands are like this? Nothing, and you can't. There's nothing you can grab. You can't go for greatness because you are stuck where you are, because you can't reach up to the next rung on the ladder to climb it. So once you start letting go a little bit of all of that stuff there, it makes so much more room for other things to come back in and we get scared of what's on the other side. We get scared of losing what we have when, in reality, when we start losing what we have, it wasn't for us anyway. Whatever gets lost that way wasn't for us anyway. And we go out and we find what is for us and so connecting to that idea and that concept and spreading that among your circle is so huge.

Speaker 2: 25:27

And it is super difficult with men. It like women, obviously. We know they're just like. They want to talk about everything and arguably I'll say that women are more powerful. I've got a son on the way and I 100% know that my wife is more powerful than I am, because I could not go through what she's going through right now. I promise you it wouldn't work. She is the queen, she knows it.

Speaker 2: 25:49

But we can also help other men come into their power without having to be that suppressive or that thing and that toxic masculinity that you always hear. You can represent what those people are trying to say without having to take it to the toxic level. So you can have your masculine power, and men just don't recognize that to have the masculine power, you also have to have the balance of what has been referred to as the feminine side. So being able to bring those two things together and share that emotion and allow connection to happen and open the heart and to let people into your life, that's where the power is. That's where people that you're mentioning, that's where they got to. They didn't get there by stepping on people's heads. They got there by reaching out and grabbing the guy's hand above him and then reaching down and grabbing somebody else's hand and pulling him up too.

Speaker 1: 26:42

Yeah, man, I guess you've never had a cold before man, because that's what your wife would be experiencing right now. I'm just kidding.

Speaker 2: 26:49

Yeah, she's definitely got a nine month man cold, for sure.

Speaker 1: 26:53

Exactly, exactly. No, that's definitely just a joke there for any of you women listening.

Speaker 2: 26:59

Well, let's say COVID. I mean, COVID was pretty bad.

Speaker 1: 27:02

Yeah, well, I guess it depends. For me I had it, I guess, twice, and the first time I was yeah was nothing. Second time it was a little worse, but it was just more of a headache than anything. Literally no pun intended there.

Speaker 2: 27:16

Yeah, we look back and we say that, right Like we look back and we're like, oh, it wasn't that bad, but in the moment we're just dying. So that's the way it was.

Speaker 1: 27:22

Well, I mean for sure, the first time no, literally was. I mean I was out running like the like two days later, so, but my wife, on the other hand, she was going through it pretty hard, so it was weird how it affected us differently, but anyways. So yeah, being in like these groups and just being open, armed and everything, and I couldn't help but think I guess this is my coaching workshop brain kind of thing. But if you're, let's say, like I'm trying to throw something at you and you have, like, your hands together for you to catch that, you've got to open your hands and then close them again, versus like, if you already had your hands open, all you do is close. Versus if you're, if you have your hands behind your back and now you got to reach back around to catch that, let's say, that marker I'm throwing at you, it's extremely hard.

Speaker 1: 28:09

So there's, there's really these kind of and I use those as examples because my hands closed means I'm closed minded. My hands open means I'm open minded, or I'm open and I'm sharing things. I'm closed off if my hands are closed, but if I have my hands behind my back, that means I'm really I'm sharing too much, and so, therefore, when I share too much, it's also very difficult for me to be able to have conversations because I start to ruin other things. And I would think for a good example here would be like in my marriage if I started talking about all the things that happen behind closed doors, just anything and everything that went on. That's really too much information to share and I think that's the hard thing that a lot of people understand.

Speaker 1: 28:55

Like what, what is too much to share? What's too little to share in anything? So I'm kind of curious on your thoughts of like, because we want to be open and transparent, but we also can't just share every single nitty gritty detail either because of certain relationships, like our marital relationship and everything. So what are your thoughts on that? And like, how do you go about making sure that you're sharing, being open but not sharing so much? And it's like all right, ryan, that's a little bit much there, I'm good.

Speaker 2: 29:27

Yeah, this is the constant battle of being someone in the position that I've kind of put myself in. Is that piece right there, like, how do you? How do you get to that point of connection? Because, honestly, man, I hate small talk, I hate it, I hate it. I hate it. Like, how's the weather Cool? What did we do? Like we had no connection at all. And so there's a way to kind of feel into it of who you can go that deep with and you're going to always have, and if you don't, you'll, if you're start sharing your start, you're going to find that person. And I've got a couple of people in my life that I could literally call right now and go as deep as I needed to, and just, we may even go deeper than what I thought was going to happen. And so you just start to adapt that and I kind of refer to it as a pendulum in my life when I got sober.

Speaker 2: 30:16

You deal with a lot of stuff. You deal with all of that emotion, all of that shame, all of that guilt, everything that you screwed up over the course of 15 years comes rushing back and knocks on your door, and by knock I mean kicks the damn door down Like it's. You don't want it to come and it's all there, so you just deal with it. And so there's two options there, because now you're shoving more in than what you have room for. You either start sharing it or you just try to hold it in and then you eventually blow up and then you end up sharing it in a way that you don't want to share it. So when I was doing that, it was let me share everything. So the pendulum swung completely in the opposite direction from the side I was on, which was I don't share, I don't talk, I don't have emotion, I don't feel. So then you were feeling everything, sharing everything, swinging back the other way, and then eventually it comes back down and once you get to that point of like being comfortable with it, you know when, you know when not to, and it's just a learned skill, and so, arguably, if someone's going to start opening up, the only way to do it and there's going to be you have layers of stuff right Like. There's stuff that you're, because there's still stuff that I haven't shared right Like from my past, and it's stuff that's deeper down, that I just either haven't gotten to yet or I may never share it publicly.

Speaker 2: 31:30

But that's what you're going to do, is you're going to start sharing surface love and that felt, that felt kind of good. And then you're going to go a little deeper and you're like, oh, that feels really good to let that go. And then it just keeps getting like you're feeling better, and then you're going to get to a point of going ooh, I don't think I like that. And then you can explore that on your own of why it feels that way. And then you just kind of float in that range of now you know what you're comfortable sharing and if people around you aren't comfortable with it, or do you want to stifle yourself to make them comfortable?

Speaker 2: 31:57

Because I don't right. Eventually you'll find those people and if it's one or two, fantastic. If it's a hundred, might be good, might not be good, right, like we don't know. It's just what your, what your experience turns into, and it's going to be uncomfortable and it's going to be painful and it's going to like you're going to look at yourself in the mirror and go damn it. Why did I say that? But sometimes it's just like, once you start letting it out, you start to get that good feeling and you'll, you'll chase that after a while.

Speaker 1: 32:23

Man, and that's such a good point. I know there's been times for me where I've started to share stuff and, yeah, I went, I went full spectrum, like full, you know, just send it out there. And sometimes it was pretty. Sometimes it was not so pretty in everything, but over time, as I shared, yeah, get those moments where, like, should I have shared that that might have been a little too much or I didn't need to share quite that much and everything.

Speaker 1: 32:49

But I always like to err on the side of sharing more versus sharing less, because I know when I share less it's typically I'm trying to hide something. I don't want somebody to know the full extent of something. And to me it's almost on the lines of a white line, like, oh, I'm just going to say something like, oh yeah, you look nice in that dress. Like I'm, like you look pretty bad. And now you're going to go out and be embarrassed because you're in that dress and no, this was not to my life.

Speaker 1: 33:19

But no, we do have to moderate that. And I think and you mentioned about like, maybe there's only a couple of people For me how I personally moderate this is I've got a couple of really close friends that I know I can talk to about that a lot of things, pretty much everything, and I know there's not going to be judgment there, but those are definitely not the same things that I would go and make a Facebook update on, for sure. And so, yeah, you just have to fill what's best for you, kind of like what you're saying there.

Speaker 2: 33:45

Yeah, I think the tough part too is not only finding the gauge of what to share. You get into a point and I mentioned that you start to chase it and that's kind of for me. I catch myself getting into that like chasing that feeling where I'm consistently thinking and coming up with ideas and turning processes and I've coined a term and maybe I didn't coin it, but it's something I'm saying more often now that a lot of times that can turn into what I like to call mental masturbation and it turns into something where, like, you think you're doing something, you're not really doing anything, like you got the job done but she didn't really like the goal wasn't in front of you to get the job done. It's like checking the boxes at work, where you've got a to-do list of things to do. You check the boxes and you just do them good enough to get them done and you feel like you're doing something, you're not really making any progress and so it's such a powerful thing, like I said, to come into that.

Speaker 2: 34:45

But then people are going to look to you and go, how are you doing that? And then you start talking and the ego builds up a little bit and you get. It starts to feel good and start chasing it and you want to talk all the time and not accomplish anything and not impact anybody, because you're saying nothing when you're saying something and it's a really fine line. And it's a hard battle to win and lose consistently. And you know, open and honest, I lose often because we get into scenarios like this and I go man, look what I just did. You know like today I recorded a pod, four podcast episodes, this is the fourth one and I'm like cool, I did a lot today. And then I look at my actual work to do list and I'm like cool, now I get to review three loans because I didn't do it in the morning when I was supposed to and had a schedule, you know. So you can catch yourself kind of spiraling down into that. That mess up that way as well, yeah.

Speaker 1: 35:32

And I've heard that term more on the side of like learning, about self development and learning, learning, learning, but you never really go and take action. But I do like this aspect too, because it's like, okay, I'm doing the thing supposedly, oh, it's the things I'm supposed to be doing, but is it really helping move the needle forward? And that's what I found with my business too. I'm like, oh, I need to get podcast in, but then there was one day I had four in a row, and the next week I had a podcast, and the next week I had three in one day and I'm like I'm not going to get any other work done because of this. And now it was helpful, but I didn't need to get seven done in two weeks because I only release one every week. So I should have spread that out a little bit and everything that would have been helpful.

Speaker 2: 36:16

Yeah, we were talking about, you know, the scheduling applications and I've really like narrowed down the openness of those scheduling because when I launched the, because I've got the one man's journey podcast, which is for the men, and then I've also got the reconnect podcast, which is a podcast for real estate people and lenders, mortgage people, appraisers, all that kind of stuff and really that talks about like where they're coming from with their purpose and how they're operating within their purpose, and so I utilized that one. I had that wide open from eight to five when I launched the scheduler and I've got scheduling all over the place and some days it's like eight o'clock, 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock, three o'clock, you know, in their 20 minute episodes, but you're recording all these at different times and ADHD brain here doesn't like to refocus in between, so I'm literally getting nothing done except recording podcast for eight hours, because even though they're only 20 minutes spread out across that much time, you know, it can really, really mess you up.

Speaker 1: 37:09

Yeah, time blocking is a whole another thing we can go into, and that's that's so important there, for sure. But, ryan, I've appreciated this conversation here and I want to get into our last question, and that is if you could only share one message for the rest of your life, what would that message be?

Speaker 2: 37:25

I'm going to say that this has changed within the last two hours. It was something that I had thoughts about. And then the guest that I had on the podcast that I recorded this morning is a pretty prominent guy and he's very forward thinking and his message and I'm going to adapt to this a little bit, but his message was how do I serve first? And so when you read the book that he wrote is called the Go-Giver, when you read that book, a lot of people will come back to me and say, well, that's just, I'm just going to give everything away, like I'm going to be taken advantage of and it's not that right, like you're not going to do anything that you don't want to do.

Speaker 2: 38:05

But if you can look to the other person and go, how do I serve you better? How do I make your life better? And apply that across everything you do? How do you make your wife's life better? How do you make your kids' lives better? How do you make your business partners' lives better? How do you make anybody you come across when you leave their presence?

Speaker 2: 38:22

You want to be able to say, somehow you made their life better, and it can be as small as smiling at someone and I say small, that's a huge ripple effect. And there's science behind that piece as well of the mirror neurons in our brain. You know, when you yawn, I yawn because my brain says, oh, that guy's yelling, I got to do that too. So the smile piece, whether they show it on their face or not, if you smile at them, their brain is smiling back at you. Scientifically that makes sense. So then maybe the next time they come across somebody they're going to smile at that person. And now you've spread to three people and you didn't even know it. So the ripple effect of servancy and being able to serve first is the message that I would love to preach for the rest of my life.

Speaker 1: 39:03

I like that. That's a message that needs to be put out there because, as a country at least, we've gotten so self-absorbed and so self-centered. We need to learn to serve others first, and that's really how we make the world a better place overall. So I love that message. And, ryan, if people want to follow you see all your vulnerable posts and everything else that you're doing, the great message that you're sharing where can they follow you at?

Speaker 2: 39:31

The easiest place is Facebook is kind of my home base and I kind of spread things across there and really kind of everything funnels into my Facebook page and so facebookcom, slash, kick, butt, mortgage guy and really kind of everything I post from one man's journey to reconnect to all of that stuff comes right into my Facebook page, because that page for me it represents me as a whole, whereas some of the other social media stuff I've got them split up and they're kind of fragmented, but I really like the all encompassing piece of Facebook.

Speaker 1: 39:57

So all right, awesome. We'll make sure that y'all go follow Ryan over on Facebook. Ryan, once again, we appreciate you coming on the podcast and sharing this awesome message about how to communicate as men and really talk about their journey and just being open and vulnerable with our communication. Appreciate it, Phillip.