Divorce Coaches Academy

The Modern Divorce Ecosystem: What Can Happen When Families Heal Instead of Fight?

• Tracy Callahan and Debra Doak • Season 1 • Episode 163

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Divorce isn't just about legal paperwork and court proceedings—it's a deeply human journey that transforms families forever. What's often missing from traditional divorce approaches is acknowledgment of the emotional landscape, communication challenges, and the complex human dynamics that determine whether a family heals or fractures during separation.

The "modern divorce ecosystem" is evolving rapidly as families seek alternatives to adversarial proceedings that often leave lasting damage. Today's divorcing couples want more than just legal settlements; they're looking for guidance on effective communication, co-parenting strategies, and paths toward emotional healing. This shift reflects broader societal changes and recognition that while conflict in divorce is inevitable, destructive conflict is optional.

Divorce coaches occupy a unique position in this evolving landscape. Unlike attorneys or therapists, coaches focus specifically on developing practical skills that help clients navigate both the emotional and logistical challenges of divorce. They serve as objective thinking partners who help clients manage overwhelming emotions, prepare for difficult conversations, and build the communication skills necessary for productive conflict resolution. These skills prove especially crucial for parents who must transform their relationship from intimate partners to effective co-parents—a transition that impacts not just minor children but adult children and extended family as well.

Professional collaboration represents another significant trend, with family law attorneys, mediators, and mental health professionals increasingly recognizing the value divorce coaches bring to the process. Some law firms now employ in-house coaches, while many professionals are adding coaching skills to their own toolkit, finding that this approach not only better serves clients but also reduces the burnout rates common in family law practice.

Ready to learn more about how divorce coaching can transform family transitions or enhance your professional practice? Our next certification programs begin July 6th for Australia/New Zealand and July 20th for the US. Connect with us at divorcecoachesacademy.com to join a growing movement that's changing how families experience divorce.

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

Tracy:

Welcome back to Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. I'm Tracy, and today we're diving into a conversation that touches the lives of countless families navigating one of life's most challenging transitions. So when we think about divorce, we often focus on the legal mechanics, the paperwork, the court proceedings, the division of assets. But what about the human side? What about the children caught in the middle, the parents struggling to communicate and the extended family members trying to understand their new roles? So today we are exploring how the field of divorce coaching is revolutionizing the way families approach separation and divorce in this new modern divorce ecosystem, shifting the focus from conflict to healing and from adversarial proceedings to collaborative solutions. And joining me today to have this conversation is my good friend and colleague, Anne-Marie Cade, Director of Learning and Development at Divorce Coaches Academy in Australia. Anne-Marie, welcome, so happy to have you back.

Anne-Marie:

Thanks, Tracy. I'm delighted to be back chatting all things about the human aspect of divorce.

Tracy:

Yeah. So Anne-Marie has literally dedicated her career to transforming how families experience divorce, training professionals in divorce coaching and parenting coordination, but also specializing in guiding parents through this complex process with dignity, respect and hope for the future. And you know what we say about hope. Right, it's not a strategy, but we can still have it. So, Anne-Marie, I'd love to start by you know, kind of diving into this. What do we mean by this modern divorce eco system, right? And what shifts have you seen in recent years that are sort of changing the way families navigate divorce?

Anne-Marie:

That's such a great question because I think we see divorce very differently now and it's going to evolve. I think it's continually changing. Divorce used to be this life event that people almost feared and there was so much shame associated with divorce. There was a stigma attached to divorce, but now I think you know, people are living longer and I often say that possibly marriages weren't meant to last that long, you know.

Tracy:

Right, that's the joke. Back in the days, you know, people didn't live long enough to get divorced. You got married and you died. Right, I know Life expectancy is much higher than it was.

Anne-Marie:

Absolutely, you know. But now we're living into our 80s and 90s and it seems a little bit unrealistic, I think, sometimes to expect people to live together for 50 and 60 years, because people change as they grow and I think clients want a different approach to divorce. That's what I'm seeing and as I see it, I think the modern divorce ecosystem, as I call it, is evolving from that purely adversarial legal process where, when you were thinking of getting separated, the one professional - I would say the one and only professional you used to need - was a lawyer. And now even the lawyers are recognizing that a more client-centric approach is going to actually help these families heal. And what are we talking of? Why do we talk about healing?

Anne-Marie:

Healing, I think, is synonymous with divorce, because divorce is it's heartbreak, it's, it's a pain we do not see, unlike a physical wound where you know you get a lot of sympathy from everyone that a lot of people walking around having a lot of broken hearts and broken relationships.

Anne-Marie:

And it is very, very painful it's and people find it really difficult to deal with that and I think that leads to the emotional overwhelm and the destructive behavior there's so much fear surrounded around divorce. I mean, I know I've been through divorce and it was the fear of change that I couldn't deal with. And, being a lawyer and a mediator, I still went out looking for different approaches to the way I would do my divorce, and that was how I discovered divorce coaching. So, having said all that, I think families are today looking for more than just that settlement. They are looking for guidance, they are looking for ways in which to co-parent, to communicate better and, of course, heal. So, taking all that into account, I think we're seeing a shift towards dispute resolution processes and, you know, the use of interdisciplinary teams and a recognition that problem solving is key to a good divorce.

Tracy:

And I agree, I think for me, one of the things that I've really seen in this, you know sort of modern divorce ecosystem, has really been driven by information, and to me, it's even compounded right now what we're seeing with AI, which I find absolutely fascinating, right. So, in addition, right, there's before it was like when people were getting divorced, as you said, it was like nobody really talked about there was a lot of shame. Shame because it wasn't spoken about. Right, you couldn't really get information about divorce or readily access information for support about divorce. Right, if you were getting divorced, you had to hire a family law attorney, a lawyer, and they did this.

Tracy:

And now what we've seen in this age of information is that you can access stuff, right, you can access other people who are experiencing this, you can access professionals who support you in these matters. You can understand what is involved in these processes, these legal aspects of divorce, while also understanding the emotional aspects of divorce. So I also think, right, in this modern divorce ecosystem, in this information age, we're seeing people become consumer savvy as far as I'm concerned, right, and that's in the business side of that divorce process, while allowing themselves to be able to engage in some of this healing. So I think how it's changed in these recent years is that people are accessing information that they never could access before.

Anne-Marie:

Right, Absolutely, and the other day I was talking to a client and she called me about divorce coaching and she said to me "I need a coach because no one seems to understand me." And I found that such an interesting question. Because she was looking to actually make her own decisions and she was looking for literally an objective thinking partner who she could, you know, have those conversations with, and that's how professionals like divorce coaches can help clients.

Tracy:

Yeah, so right. So this is this shift right, as as in we're seeing in information and access to individuals to support them in these multiple facets of the divorce process. Here, you know, you said the word "relate or nobody could understand it. It brings up for me, right, one of our scarf dimensions, you know I love me a scarf assessment and relatedness being a real factor. Right, and being able to understand and at the same time, engage in autonomy and agency to be able to be empowered in those decision making. So in this sort of shift that we're seeing, in this paradigm, divorce coaches are playing a really essential and unique role in helping families sort of address these underlying issues and needs, right, to support them in moving from conflict to healing, which I do not believe that there are many other divorce professionals that are positioned to do such.

Anne-Marie:

Divorce coaches are uniquely focused on helping clients manage that human side of divorce. And what does that involve? It's helping them manage those overwhelming emotions, improve communication, manage conflict and also manage that life admin, which is such a huge part of that divorce, the divorce process, the personal organization, moving from that codependent relationship to a relationship where you have to do everything on your own and which you know other professionals actually don't really have the time or the training to help clients with. And I think that is such a significant part of the work that we do. You know, in those conversations that we have, we, you know, clients are able to clarify what matters most to them, preparing for those challenging conversations, the language they use.

Anne-Marie:

It is so critical to the divorce process. You know it's about not allowing that conflict to escalate and particularly with the training that we do at Divorce Coaches Academy, where we have a focus on dispute resolution, building those communication skills, it definitely makes conflict more manageable and it helps reduce the stress, not just on the client, on the lawyers, on the other professionals, on the mediators that our clients work with. And what does that mean? That means that it increases their chances for settlement and long-term healing. We need these clients to heal, because they are always going to be a family. It's just a different form.

Tracy:

Yeah, and we know that one of the biggest impacts of conflict is on that relationship, right? So if there are no children and I'm not just talking minor children, I'm talking children If there's no children to that marriage, then, yes, for the most part those parties can part, say see you later, felicia, and walk out the door and really have no other real ties that will connect them to one another. Those parties that do, those families that have children, regardless of whether those children are minors or not, there is going to be this connection for those parties together. And we know that increased conflict or escalating conflict has a direct impact on the ability to continue or transition that relationship. We say it all the time conflict is inevitable in divorce, right, but combat is optional. Max Lucado quote right?

Tracy:

So our job as divorce coaches is really supporting clients and being able to distinguish between productive conflict and destructive conflict. And when I talk about productive conflict, right, not all conflict is bad. Conflict is really an opportunity, an opportunity to learn a little more about what the other parties' needs and interests are, so that I can also try to address my needs and interests to reach one of our favorite, you know, we're going to bring in some Ury, William Ury language, some mutually satisfying and beneficial agreements with a focus on the interests of both of those parties at the table. And I want to just when I say at the table, they're symbolic representations of the entire family, right? So how do you see this, Anne-Marie? This ability to be able to help clients recognize the conflict and be able to distinguish between productive conflict, right opportunity and destructive conflict, the principle, adversarial approaches, escalating conflict, war, litigation, appropriation of blame, blah, blah, blah to support long-term healing, because long-term healing is not going to be happening if those things are continuous and present in those dynamics of conflict in that family.

Anne-Marie:

And conflict is part of every divorce. That's why they're getting divorced. But what is the reason that it went down that pathway? It's because they did not have the skills on how to manage that conflict.

Tracy:

So keyword everyone's skills.

Anne-Marie:

Skills, of course. And skills that we learn. We learn as we move through life. It's something that's so important, but it's something we need to be intentional about and recognize that this is something we don't know how to do. Well, we don't learn how to communicate, uh, in a way where we listen to the other person. Yeah, and that is what we are so focused on here at Divorce Coaches Academy helping clients build the skills to manage divorce. I was having a conversation with you the other day and you were talking about Gottman's research that you know 69, you said 69% of couples continually will always have a conflict in their relationship yeah.

Tracy:

Unresolvable problems, unresolvable conflict.

Anne-Marie:

Absolutely so. The couples that stick together are those that learn the skills on how to manage that conflict, but those don't go down the path of divorce. So it's about you know the focus on solving problems, making informed decisions, and that will strengthen your co-parenting relationship. And I think the work we do as divorce coaches is critical because we are engaging with these clients as professionals in the divorce landscape at a time when they're facing one of the worst times in their life. It's one of the most traumatic events someone can go through.

Anne-Marie:

And as lawyers, with my lawyer hat on, I'm sitting in front of a client going through a divorce and I'm asking that client to make decisions that are going to impact them for the rest of their life, when they're not in an emotional state to think about their next meal, leave alone what's going to happen for the rest of their lives. So as a coach, I'm helping the client become more focused to recognize those destructive conflict patterns and, you know, moving from blame and mistrust that actually damages relationships irreparably and helping clients notice that we can move from those destructive patterns and guide them back to respectful, goal-focused conversations which, as I said, serves them and their attorneys, and the lawyers and the children. I think that is so important. The peaceful co-parenting relationship is critical to any divorce.

Tracy:

Absolutely, and I think you know when we focus on the word skill, the divorce coaches are uniquely positioned in an ability to support clients in developing the skills necessary to effectively and efficiently engage in conflict, with the ultimate goal of being able to support that long-term healing, right? For their benefit, for the benefit of their children, the family unit as an entirety. And the challenge is often for many people is it's not their fault, they were not taught how to engage in conflict. I mean, I say this all the time. Look at the world around us right now, where we sit, we have a lot of people who are stuck in these very positional thinking where for me to win, you have to lose, for me to be powerful, you have to be less powerful. And who really wins? I don't see any winners. I actually see a whole bunch of losers. So in the work that we do as divorce coaches is we're helping individuals develop those skills. And what I love most about the work that we do is it can be learned right? You were mentioning communication. I also in jest, say right, communication is often the thing that leads to conflict, yet is the very thing we need to use often to reach a resolution in conflict.

Tracy:

So how essential not only our engagement in conflict, but how communication presents itself in the conflict response, the conflict engagement, the effort to reach negotiation or conflict resolution. So it's not only like the skills and conflict that we, as divorce coaches, work on with our clients, but it is also those really, really important communication skills. So you know, I can go on and on, but I'm going to stop, I'm going to put a, put a pin in it, because you know everybody's heard that from me more right, A lot. So I want to kind of switch gears. Right? So, as more legal and mental health professionals are now engaging with divorce coaching which I'm really excited about, whether through referrals or collaboration what do you think they need to understand about divorce coaching, approach to conflict and healing that can certainly enhance their own outcomes with the work that they do with their clients? Right? So these are our family law attorneys. How is that collaboration with divorce coaching really benefiting them?

Anne-Marie:

So divorce coaches come from a variety of backgrounds. They can be lawyers, they can be mediators, they can be mental health professionals. You know different backgrounds, but what's really important to remember is that divorce coaching is not therapy, it's not legal advice, it's not counseling. It's a practical forward focus process where a coach guides a client and helps them to focus on the practical and emotional challenges of the legal process. So what is the benefit of that? It means clients are better prepared for the mediation process or for the legal process, and some clients have to go down the legal process and that's okay.

Anne-Marie:

We're not saying you must not ever go to court. Some divorces need to go to court, they need a judge to make their decision. But I think having a divorce coach working with that client helps the client to be more realistic about what those outcomes would be.

Tracy:

Yeah, expectations right.

Anne-Marie:

Yeah, managing expectations. All the time that's what we're doing. We're helping the clients reality test those you know the solutions that they think is going to work for them. I find that there are many lawyers and mediators now who are adding coaching skills to their toolkit, as it were, because they recognize the support that they can provide to their clients as well in this work that they do, which makes their lives less stressful. So it is a powerful compliment and I remember in the US a few years ago when I was there, I heard about how they had divorce coaches as a role, a divorce coach working in law firms actually doing the intakes that is an idea.

Tracy:

Yeah, it's growing. We're seeing more and more law firms in the US now actually employing a full-time divorce coach and working in their offices.

Anne-Marie:

And I have seen that in Australia as well. It's happening very, very slowly, but what is critical there is that coaches have that training in dispute resolution processes and that's within that coaching framework, because as coaches we're not giving our clients advice and it's critical that coaches and divorce coaches who want to do this work have that really good training and that's again what we offer at Divorce Coaches Academy. And the last course I ran, I had five lawyers in the course. How good was that?

Tracy:

Yeah, and I think that's such a really important point to talk about, right, because what we're also seeing, in addition to some of these law firms or other professional sort of centers, with mediators teaming up with divorce coaches or law firms bringing in divorce coaches we're also seeing these professionals adding the skill of divorce coaching to their own practice, and I think we've discussed this on a lot of occasions. But family law attorneys, the rates of burnout and stress are phenomenal. Right, it is a difficult job and it also is very much we've learned through our experience and in training family law attorneys is it's a frustrating process in terms of what, by role, their job is in working with clients, and their job is not to be an emotional support person and their job is not to teach them skills and strategies to effectively and efficiently deal with their case. Their job is to represent them within the legal realm of the process of divorce. It, by nature, is an adversarial process, so it becomes very, very frustrating and overwhelming and we see high rates of burnout from family law attorneys.

Tracy:

So what we're seeing now is a lot of family law attorneys that you said I think we just had five all from the same law firm right, come in and are getting certified as divorce coaches to bring in these skills to the work that they're doing to support clients in a manner that resonates more with this consumer idea of what clients want to experience in their divorce. As professionals, us ourselves recognizing that it is destructive, the system can be destructive, and how do we add a compliment to support clients and navigating it in this modern divorce ecosystem, while looking at the overarching outcome of healing, of transitioning from that as intimate romantic partners now to that as a family unit of co-parents, in which they're making decisions together for the best interest of their children. And again, I really want to stress, not just minor children, because even as adult children right, Anne-Marie, I'm sure you could attest to this You're still co-parenting even with a child that is not under the age of 18.

Anne-Marie:

And research is now showing us that the impact on adult children, the impact of divorce on adult children, is quite significant and there's so much work being done now around the importance of not using children, as because we often find parents tend to talk to older children about divorce not to do that and the reason for that.

Anne-Marie:

So I think when I find clients working with a coach, they're more objective, they understand the impact of all of that because, like you said, information, that's all of those are the conversations we're having with clients and it's continuous

Tracy:

Yeah, and that's the human side of this process, right, that extends well past court filings or motions or petitions or division of asset, right it's, it's this human component we're, we're all humans and we bring into this process something. So it's that preservation, if you will, that I think is so essential that we're really, as divorce coaches, are able to take a sort of very comprehensive approach to the divorce experience from multiple domains. Right, recognizing that ultimately, the goal is is to reach a resolution. But what are the skills and strategies necessary? Right, to be able to also engage in, support and highlight that healing process to be able to move forward and transition. So I know I can go on and on and on, but I'm not going to.

Tracy:

So, if you're a professional out there and thinking about how can you increase one your job satisfaction in the work that you do, looking at adding some additional skills from a dispute resolution process that works on the individual level, as divorce coaching, may just be the very thing that makes a difference in the work that you do. If you're a professional mediator, a therapist, an attorney, thinking about what are the ways that you might be able to involve or introduce divorce coaching into the work that you do and supporting your clients experience in this process. So I know, Anne-Marie, we have a upcoming class set for our new certification training class that's going to get kicked off in Australia on July 6th, that's correct?

Anne-Marie:

Yeah, starting a new group of and training more professionals. So, if you've been thinking of becoming a divorce coach, you're interested in learning more about divorce coaches and what they can do to help your clients, or you want to learn more about the certification, reach out because, in the end, like we've been saying, the goal is not to end the marriage but to transform that family system in ways to promote resilience, respect and healing for everyone involved, and divorce coaching is a vital part of that process. So I'd love to talk to you. Please reach out and we can continue this conversation.

Tracy:

Yeah, you can read Anne-Marie at dca. au@divorcecoachesacademy. com. Simultaneously, we will also be launching our next cohort of training on July 6, as well, for New Zealand, and then, of course, July 20 will be our next cohort for our, our U S and General training. So please you can check it out at divorcecoachesacademy. com. Anne-Marie, it is always a pleasure I always go over our time, but I want to thank you so much for for coming in and chatting with me and the amazing network that you do in supporting families.

Anne-Marie:

Thanks, tracy, always a pleasure to chat.

Tracy:

See you soon. Yeah, okay, and our listeners, thank you. Until yet again, where we explore a really important relevant topic for the field of divorce and the practice of professional divorce coaching. Until next time, thank you.