Divorce Coaches Academy
Divorce Coaches Academy podcast hosts Tracy Callahan and Debra Doak are on a mission to revolutionize the way families navigate divorce. We discuss topics to help professional divorce coaches succeed with clients and meet their business goals and we advocate (loudly sometimes) for the critical role certified divorce coaches play in the alternative dispute resolution process. Our goal is to create a community of divorce coaching professionals committed to reducing the financial and emotional impact of divorce on families.
Divorce Coaches Academy
The Truth About Being "Trauma-Informed"
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What does it really mean to be "trauma-informed" as a divorce coach? Beyond the buzzword, there's a profound responsibility to understand how trauma impacts our clients without overstepping our professional boundaries.
Tracy and Debra dive deep into this increasingly popular term, clarifying that being trauma-informed isn't about taking one class or having experienced trauma yourself. Rather, it's developing a working knowledge of how trauma affects the brain, nervous system, and behavior—then intentionally creating safety in your coaching relationships.
For divorce coaches, this understanding is crucial because divorce itself can be traumatizing. When clients apologize for crying, speak rapidly and scattered, or seem emotionally detached, these are often trauma responses. The magic happens not by diving into past wounds (that's therapy's domain), but by offering a different experience: one where clients feel heard, respected, and empowered to access their own wisdom.
The most powerful revelation? Properly trained divorce coaches are already practicing trauma-informed care through client autonomy, co-regulation, and appropriate boundaries. When a client has experienced controlling relationships, simply asking "What feels right for you?" helps rebuild agency. When someone is emotionally dysregulated, your calm presence can help settle their nervous system enough to think clearly.
Ready to strengthen your trauma-informed approach? Focus on continued learning about neuroscience, develop self-awareness around your triggers, participate in regular supervision, and remember that your presence—grounded in curiosity and compassion—is your most powerful tool. You don't need to be a trauma expert to create safety; you just need to honor your client's humanity and pace.
Curious how this applies to your coaching practice? Connect with us on social media or at divorcecoachesacademy.com. Want to deepen these skills? Join our affordable case consultation group that meets twice monthly. Your commitment to this approach isn't just professional excellence—it's transformative for clients navigating one of life's most challenging transitions.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com
Welcome back to Divorce Coaches Academy podcast.
Speaker 2I am Tracy and I'm Debra, yay, and if you're new here, just so you know, we are both certified divorce coaches, mediators, conflict resolution specialists Actually, tracy says junkies and we're the co-founders of Divorce Coaches Academy and we're glad you're here for today's episode.
Speaker 1We're the co-founders of Divorce Coaches Academy and we're glad you're here for today's episode. Yeah, each week we talk about how to become a more effective, ethical and empowered divorce coach some of my favorite things to talk about and today we're digging into something that's been piping up a lot lately in our conversations with coaches, therapists, even attorneys and this is the phrase trauma informed.
Speaker 2Trauma informed. Yeah, yep, it's everywhere.
Speaker 1It's kind of like the you know the N word, narcissist. Right, right Trauma informed is the new. It's the new. It's the new words, it's the new word.
Speaker 2It is a buzzword and it's everywhere and it sounds great and it's attention grabbing. We're hearing it in schools, in healthcare, in courtrooms. We're a trauma-informed organization, but what we want to talk about today is like what does that really mean in practice?
Defining Trauma-Informed Practice
Speaker 1And what specifically does it mean for divorce coaches? So we're going to try to unpack what trauma-informed care actually looks like, talk about why divorce coaching is inherently trauma-sensitive when it is done right, and offer some real-life examples of how that plays out in a session, right in the work that we do. Out in a session, right in the work that we do. And if you've ever wondered am I trauma-informed enough, then this episode is definitely for you.
Speaker 2Yes, it is Okay. Grounding. Let's lay the foundation and start with this. Defining the concept Trauma-informed doesn't mean that you've taken like a one-hour class. It doesn't mean you've read one book. It means you have a working understanding of how trauma impacts the brain, the nervous system, behavior and relationships. And so you have that understanding and you intentionally shape your interactions to promote safety and trust.
Speaker 1Yeah, and I'm going to add here also trauma-informed doesn't mean you went through your own trauma, correct? Just like going through a divorce doesn't make you a divorce coach Correct.
Speaker 1Correct. Okay, so it's not about treating trauma right. As divorce coaches, we are not treating trauma that is what mental health professionals are trained to do. But it is about recognizing that many people you work with, especially in the divorce context, are walking into our sessions with some form of trauma, whether they have named it or not. And trauma doesn't have to be one big catastrophic event. It can be a slow erosion of safety, emotional abuse, betrayal, abandonment, financial control. It can be the loss of identity and stability that comes with the end of marriage. We are working with people in a season of their lives that is often laced with fear, shame, grief, disorientation. That's trauma.
Client Examples of Trauma-Sensitivity
Speaker 2It's trauma. It doesn't have to be a big T trauma. It can be a series of small T traumas and, as we've talked about, divorce in itself is a traumat T trauma. It can be a series of small T traumas and, as we've talked about, divorce in itself is a traumatizing experience, absolutely Right, and so when we are trauma informed, we don't ignore that, we make space for it. It doesn't mean we start doing therapy.
Speaker 1Nope.
Speaker 2But it does mean we're intentional about how we show up. We listen without judgment. We offer choices. We work collaboratively, not authoritatively. We respect the pace of the client. I was working with her. She was coming out of a 15-year marriage where she had been the target of chronic gaslighting Not an uncommon story for us, right? No, she was constantly told she was too sensitive, too dramatic, always overreacting. And when she came for divorce coaching, she apologized every single session apologized for crying, for taking too much time, for not having answers.
Speaker 1Yeah, this happens more often than not.
Speaker 2It does. Sadly so, sadly so, right. But I didn't need to process her trauma, I just needed not to replicate it. Yeah, ding ding, ding, ding ding, right, I don't need to add it. Yeah, ding ding, ding, ding, ding, right, I don't need to add to it by shaming her. I instead said something along the lines of you don't need to apologize here, you're allowed to take up space, this is your space. And just by giving her that kind of response, her eyes welled up with tears. That's a trauma-informed presence. I don't need to dive into her past.
Speaker 1I just needed to give her a different experience of being heard and respected yes, and that's such an impactful example, and I think that's the heart of what we are trying to talk about. When we show up with that awareness, informed trauma, informed that someone might be carrying invisible wounds, we become safer people for our clients. And when people feel safe, they can access their own inner wisdom and resilience right to engage in making those decisions. That's what divorce coaching is all about.
Speaker 2Yeah, it is, it is. It's what it's all about.
Speaker 1Yeah. So I want to let's kind of talk about this connection between divorce coaching and trauma sensitivity, and one of the things we feel so strongly about at Divorce Coaches Academy is that, when it is done correctly, divorce coaching is already aligned with trauma-informed principles.
Speaker 2Yes, yes and yes Right yes. If you have been trained through a reputable standards-based program, you have already been taught to hold space in a way that is respectful, empowering and client-centered. These aren't just good divorce coaching practices. They're trauma-informed, trauma-sensitive practices.
Speaker 1Yeah, so let's put our emphasis on some client autonomy, right? That's just not a nice ideal. That is a trauma-informed value. Yeah, clients who've experienced emotional abuse or controlling relationships are often hypersensitive to being told what to do. They have had their voices silenced. So when we say what feels right for you or would you like to explore that, we are actually supporting the client and helping them rebuild agency. We're giving them choice empowerment. And, deb, I cannot tell you how many divorce professionals out there actually think quite the opposite. Because somebody's experienced trauma, they have to make those decisions for them. They have to be more directive instead of consent-based.
Speaker 1They're taking that power away and actually contributing to the problem Exactly.
Speaker 2Exactly, you know. One of the other things I think about is regulation, emotional regulation, and one of the most important things we offer our client is co-regulation.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2Somebody comes into session spinning up in fear or shame or overwhelm or whatever it is that they are jacked up. Our calm presence, the way we show up, can actually help bring their nervous system down. When we sit quietly, when we speak slowly, when we allow silence, when we hold their story with compassion, it signals safety.
Speaker 1Yes, Neutral technique right. We are actually supporting clients' regulation and how we show up it's intentional.
Four Ways to Grow Your Skills
Speaker 2Yeah. So I had another client, let's call him Ron. He was in a really wicked custody battle that had him totally whacked out and dysregulated and every session he would show up. It was fast talking, scattered thinking, tears, anger, all the things. With a client like Ron. I don't try to jump in and fix him or get right into planning those action steps or decision making. I just work on grounding, I breathe with him, I modeled that for him. I reflected his words back slowly and in every session, within a few minutes he would settle and he would show up differently. Yes, co-regulating.
Speaker 1Yeah, and once he was regulated he could think clearly, make plans, consider options, work on some skill development. Right, that's the brilliance of trauma-informed coaching. We are not diagnosing, we are recognizing, we are reading the cues and adjusting how we show up. How we show up. I also had a client who who actually, on the contrary, never reacted emotionally in session, right, unlike ron. Right, she actually seemed detached and disassociated. At first I thought maybe she wasn't engaged, but over time I realized she was kind of numbing out. Right, that was her survival strategy. She learned to disconnect in order to cope.
Speaker 2Okay, and so did you go ahead and try to force some vulnerability with her. Nope.
Speaker 1Nope, I honored where she was, I focused on structure and strategy and eventually, right, we were able to dive deeper. She brought in the deeper layers, allowing us to explore that because she trusted the space, because she trusted the space Again, that's trauma-informed divorce coaching, respecting the client's pace, their pace.
Speaker 2Right, right, absolutely Okay. So let's clear up a common misconception being trauma-informed doesn't mean you have to become a trauma specialist.
Speaker 1Yes, can you say that louder for everyone to hear? That again, I would be happy to.
Speaker 2Being trauma informed does not mean you start diagnosing trauma, interpreting behaviors or trying to help clients process past abuse. That is not our role.
Speaker 1No, no, not our role no, no, not our role?
Speaker 2No, no, and stepping into that is not only unethical, it's against our standards of practices divorce coaches because it's potentially harmful to our clients, Right.
Speaker 1Yep, I had a divorce coach ask me recently right, how can I help my client unpack their childhood trauma around abandonment? And I simply kind of forcibly said you don't. You don't unpack trauma and divorce coaching. What you can do is say how is that story showing up for you today? Or what do you want to do with that awareness in this moment? Yeah, exactly Right. Well, we're not ignoring it. No, we're not diagnosing it, we're not interpreting it. It's not ours to do that.
Speaker 2It's not ours to do that. It's not ours to do that. So we can quickly go back to the analogy of the difference between therapy and coaching. Client shows up with the suitcase the therapist is the one that opens the suitcase and touches everything and ask about why they brought it along and where they originally got it. The coach simply says oh, I see you're packed. Where do you want to go? We stay future focused, goal oriented and respectful of our scope. Yes, If a client needs to process trauma, flashbacks, panic attacks, deep emotional wounds, we gently refer them out to a licensed therapist who is trained to help them process this.
Speaker 2So that is trauma-informed care is knowing what's ours to hold and what isn't.
Speaker 1Right. It's the same thing we do in any expert perspective. Right. It's just not our scope and clients respect that. Right. I've had several clients thank me for saying this feels like something that might need additional support. Right. They're clear in terms of understanding the work that I'm doing with them. It helps them feel taken care of, not abandoned. Right.
Speaker 2You're modeling. I always say if we're going to teach boundaries, we have to model boundaries. So you're modeling those healthy boundaries and that's part of safety. We're not trying to be heroes here and fix everything. We're trying to be anchors. That's safety to have an anchor.
Speaker 1Okay, so let's say, you're listening to all this and thinking, hmm, I get it, but how can I keep growing in this area? And I do think it's a great question, right? It's one that comes up a lot.
Speaker 2It is. And so what can you do? First, keep learning. Read the neuroscience, learn about the autonomic nervous system, polyvagal theory, trauma responses Not so you can treat it, but so you can understand and be sensitive to what your clients might be experiencing under the surface.
Speaker 1Yes, yes, and this is ensuring that you actually are qualified to be doing this work. Again, this alignment of divorce coaching is inherent in trauma-informed practices. Okay, so this gives me the second one right Develop your self-awareness. This is so really important. Where are your own triggers? Where do you rush to fix right? Where do you get uncomfortable? Sitting in someone's pain and discomfort and I know that is hard right. We are all naturally very empathetic people, I find, in this field and practice of divorce coaching and we can want to help people, but that's not our job. Our job is to support clients in making decisions for themselves and helping themselves.
Speaker 2Correct, correct. And so this sitting with someone's pain is uncomfortable, it is right. But one of the things we teach in our Divorce Coach training is working with clients to improve their distress tolerance. So, as you're becoming self-aware, you need to be aware when you're approaching your own capacity for distress tolerance, and what you need to be aware when you're approaching your own capacity for distress tolerance and what you need to do. And so that leads into our third suggestion, which is supervision, and we cannot say this enough, can't say it enough.
Speaker 1You need to be in community you need to be with other divorce coaches.
Speaker 2You need to talk through your cases, you need to get feedback. Sometimes we are too close to see it, when we're being pulled into therapy or when we're not being trauma sensitive. So you cannot do this on your own. It's too important.
Speaker 1Too, too important, both for yourself, professionally and for your clients. So if you're not going to do it for you, do it for your clients. Please, please, supervision. And fourth, remember that how you do your job matters. Your tone, your pacing, your body language. Are you rushing, interrupting, trying to cheer up your client? All of that communicates something right.
Speaker 2Trauma-informed coaching often looks like slowing down, staying present, letting silence be okay, it's okay, and trust that your presence, when you're grounded in curiosity and compassion, is enough, is enough, it's enough. You don't need to be a trauma expert to be trauma aware. You just need to be someone who honors the humanity of your client and what they're going through.
Key Takeaways and Final Thoughts
Speaker 1Yeah, okay, so here's our takeaway. So here's our takeaway. Here's our takeaway. Trauma informed isn't just a label, it's an awareness, it's a way of showing up, it's about holding space that is respectful, empowering and safe.
Speaker 2Yeah, and the good news is, if you're a properly trained divorce coach, like through Divorce Coaches Academy, you're already doing this. We wouldn't have certified you if you didn't demonstrate these skills. You are trauma sensitive by design. Now you can always go deeper and you can always grow, but you are not starting from scratch here deeper and you can always grow, but you are not starting from scratch here, Nope, you're not.
Speaker 1You're not All right. Well, we're running out of time, so we want to thank you so much for joining us today. We'd love to hear what resonated for you, what stories came to mind as we were talking about this, what questions do you still have? Come find us on social or at divorcecoachesacademycom and drop us a note.
Speaker 2Drop us a note, yep. And if you're looking to deepen your skills, become more trauma sensitive, keep learning, keep growing. Check out our advanced trainings. Or and we employ you implore you, not employ you. We're not ready to do that yet. Join a case consultation group. We, of course, recommend our own, which meets twice a month and it's so affordable, so check that out. We are here to help you be the best possible divorce coach you can be.
Speaker 1Yes, you can be. Yes, and if you're listening to this and are not a certified, trained divorce coach from a reputable divorce coach training program, I encourage you to also get certified Right, so you can be a certified divorce coach practicing within the field of dispute resolution and can safely say that you are trauma informed. Okay, so I'm done with preaching. Until next time, stay curious, stay grounded and keep showing up with heart, because that is what we do.
Speaker 2That is what we do.
Speaker 1All right, take care.