Divorce Coaches Academy
Divorce Coaches Academy podcast hosts Tracy Callahan and Debra Doak are on a mission to revolutionize the way families navigate divorce. We discuss topics to help professional divorce coaches succeed with clients and meet their business goals and we advocate (loudly sometimes) for the critical role certified divorce coaches play in the alternative dispute resolution process. Our goal is to create a community of divorce coaching professionals committed to reducing the financial and emotional impact of divorce on families.
Divorce Coaches Academy
Who's On My Side? Helping Clients Navigate Conflicts with Their Divorce Team
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Feeling unheard or misunderstood by their divorce professionals can add another layer of stress to an already challenging process for our clients. What happens when their attorney seems dismissive or their forensic accountant isn't addressing their concerns? More importantly, how can you help your client effectively advocate for themselves without damaging these critical professional relationships?
This episode tackles one of the most persistent challenges we see clients face: conflict with the very professionals they've hired to support them. Tracy and Debra explore this delicate territory with practical wisdom, offering a framework for both divorce coaches and their clients to navigate these situations effectively. Rather than simply validating frustrations, we examine how to transform these moments into opportunities for developing lifelong conflict resolution skills.
At the heart of our approach is the understanding that most professional conflicts stem from misalignments in communication styles, expectations, or priorities—not sabotage. We break down specific techniques like creating "conflict prep sheets," practicing non-violent communication, and managing emotional reactivity when power dynamics feel intimidating. These tools help clients move from feeling victimized to becoming empowered advocates for their needs.
The skills developed through addressing these professional relationship challenges extend far beyond divorce. When clients learn to assert themselves effectively with their attorney or accountant, that newfound confidence transfers to negotiations, co-parenting, workplace interactions, and countless other relationships. As we often say, communication is both the source of conflict and its solution—making these skills among the most valuable tools we can provide our clients.
Whether you're a divorce coach looking to better support clients through professional relationship challenges or someone navigating your own divorce journey, this episode offers actionable strategies for turning conflict into opportunity. Ready to transform how you approach difficult conversations? Listen now and discover why we consider ourselves "conflict junkies" who believe in the life-changing potential of mastering these essential skills.
Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:
Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
Instagram: @divorcecoachesacademy
LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com
Welcome back to Divorce Coaches Academy podcast, where we bravely go where most won't, with humor and grace, I might add, diving straight into real challenges divorce coaches face day in and day out. I'm Tracy.
Speaker 2And I'm Debra. If you're new here, welcome, pardon me, and if you're returning, we're glad you're back. Today's topic is one that comes up, honestly, more often than we'd like, and so the question is what do you do when a client feels unsupported by their divorce professionals, specifically like their attorney or their forensic accountant, and you, as the divorce coach, may even have the same concerns? We talked about this way, way, way back in episode number 41, but want to bring it up again because it is such a persistent issue for clients.
Navigating Professional Relationship Conflicts
Speaker 1Yeah, and I'm also going to say one for divorce coaches, right, Because this can certainly feel like a minefield, but it's also a critical moment to sort of lean into the core of our work as divorce coaches, which is helping clients develop conflict resolution skills so they they can advocate for themselves even in the most tough for themselves, even in the most tough emotionally charged situations. And yes, conflict extends well past the bounds of the conflicted marital and co-parenting relationship.
Speaker 2Conflict is everywhere all the time.
Speaker 1Conflict is everywhere.
Speaker 2All right, let's start off with one of the most common scenarios. Your client is going to express their frustration to you and say things like my attorney isn't listening to me or my forensic accountant is steamrolling my concerns. What they're sharing is some version, something that tells you they feel like the professionals they're paying are working against them and not for them.
Speaker 1Yeah, and sometimes we hear their story and in our own heads we may be thinking, uh-huh, yep, that's my conclusion as well. But our job as divorce coaches is not to take sides. But our job as divorce coaches is not to take sides, it is to support the client in exploring the dynamics at play and then help them build the conflict resolution tools to approach this situation effectively, effectively and here this also requires us to manage not just our own personal bias but our professional biases, the kind that comes up from being deeply experienced and having seen similar patterns again and again. As divorce and ADR experts, we can start to recognize themes, anticipate outcomes and even predict behaviors. Why? Because we do this day in and day out, and while that expertise is valuable, it can also become a trap.
Speaker 1Right, we might unintentionally also jump to conclusions, shortcut the client's unique process or fall into the yep I've seen this before thinking. Or fall into the yep I've seen this before thinking. That means that asking questions that guide, not lead, are essential here, helping the client towards deeper insight. It means helping them identify the impact of assumptions, emotions and unmet needs on their interpretation of events that may be happening with their professionals. And, most importantly, it means staying grounded in our role, which is to empower, not to advise right, we do not advise To challenge gently, not to judge, and to center growth and clarity over reaction to the story. Because, deb, when we stay neutral and strategic, we can help the client shift out of reactivity and into action, and action that aligns with their values, their goals and their vision for the future. We can't be that barrier.
Speaker 2No, because you know, we know, divorce is full of high stakes, conflict, and not just with their spouse or the person they're divorcing or their co-parent, but sometimes also with the professionals that are meant to help them, right. So that's why this episode, this topic, is so important that we're coming back around to it. It applies to all conflict all conflict with your children, with your coworkers, with your neighbors, right. But it feels particularly high stakes and frustrating when clients are paying professionals they think are and I'm using air quotes on their side, yes and yet they feel like they're not being heard or that somebody's working against their best interest.
Speaker 1That's everything.
Speaker 2Yeah, or the legal system as a whole. They get frustrated with that too right.
Speaker 1We often talk about that as a source of conflict and divorce right, and it's one of those things also. The system as a whole is often out of their control.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Reframing Perceptions and Expectations
Speaker 1So where do we start right? Well, the first step in our work is often in reframing. If a client says my attorney doesn't care what I want, we may ask what did they say that made you feel that way? Here the intention is to help them pause and reflect, not react. This is kind of our effort to shine the light on some potential limited thinking that may be.
Speaker 2Right Most of the time. Right, if we assume best intention, which is like kind of rule number one for conflict resolution. This is not sabotage. The attorney or the forensic accountant or the guardian ad litem or whatever is not trying to sabotage them. What we have is a misalignment of communication styles or whatever, or priorities or expectations, right. So expectations play a big role here, and we've talked before about the Bobo buffet, right? Sometimes people think that the way this works is they describe to their attorney what they want and the attorney then works and gets it for them, and sometimes there's a big gap there between what the client wants and what is a reasonable outcome. So we do a lot of reality testing with them, right. But if we can help them reframe that, this isn't sabotage. This is just something that isn't hooking up exactly right. That can help them shift from a win-lose kind of narrative into a space where more productive dialogue might still be possible.
Speaker 1Yes, and as divorce coaches, this is where we start using conflict resolution as our coaching lens, the foundation for what we do. Coaching lens, the foundation for what we do. We can ask how do you typically respond when you feel dismissed or unheard, or what communication strategies might help express your needs more clearly next time.
Speaker 2Yeah, we aren't just supporting their immediate issue, we aren't just supporting their immediate issue. We're building long-term interpersonal skills. We're not giving them a fish.
Building Conflict Resolution Skills
Speaker 1We're teaching them to fish, because chances are, if they're struggling to communicate with their attorney or accountant, that same dynamic is consistently showing up in other parts of their life too. Yeah, so let's move to conflict resolution and action. Right, the skills for constructive engagement. To do so, we kind of need to dig a little deeper into the conflict resolution skills we help clients build. One of the first ones is the clarity of message. One of the first ones is the clarity of message, right, this is again effective communication, helping the client articulate exactly what they want or need from their attorney or forensic accountant. And that starts with planning, not reacting. Right, this is the listen to understand, not listen to respond.
Speaker 2Yeah, exactly so I often for clients where really leaning into conflict is new for them, we'll work on something I call a conflict prep sheet. So we're going to outline their concerns and then practice using neutral, non-blaming language. So I want you to think non-violent communication If that's, if that's something we teach it in our course, but if that's not something they're familiar with, please go Google it. But it's this very objective, neutral, non-blaming language and once we identify their concern and ways they might say it, then we can actually role play and give them a chance to kind of build those muscles and practice how to bring up these tough topics respectfully but firmly.
Speaker 1Yeah, and here's where we also help clients evaluate the situation objectively. Right, because there is a subjective experience and conflict is often a clash between perceptions, experiences, beliefs. Okay, so we can help walk them through some reflective questions. For example, what did your professional say and how did you interpret it or receive it? Is this a conflict of values, communication style, or perhaps something else, or what's within your control to clarify or change?
Speaker 2Yeah, and again back to the kind of the NVC approach. We teach them to use I statements instead of accusations, so, for instance, we might help a client pull together a sentence that sounds like I'm feeling confused about the financial strategy we're using. Can we walk through the options again Instead of? You're not explaining anything to me and I feel totally left out?
Speaker 1Yeah, exactly Right, Because that's what's going on in the head often.
Speaker 2Yeah and communication isn't me speaking, communication is my message landing Absolutely. So, we're going to help them craft that complaint. It is a complaint. I am bringing a complaint. Yes, there is a way to bring a complaint in a way that is more likely to be heard.
Speaker 1Exactly, and we can also bring in the skill of managing sort of that emotional flooding or reactivity right If the that conflict escalates, so we can help them ground themselves, work on developing skills and grounding, pausing and resetting before meetings, right To actually be intentional in this process.
Speaker 2To show up the way you want to show up, being intentional. You know, and let's just clarify this, conflict resolution does not necessarily mean getting to agreement, correct. It's about managing this tension productively and when the power dynamic is intimidating or feels intimidating right is intimidating or feels intimidating right which it does for some of our clients, and it can be with legal professionals or financial professionals, like a forensic accountant Our clients often feel like they're in kind of a one-down position.
Speaker 1Yeah.
When You Agree With Client Concerns
Speaker 2They're the lower-powered party in the conversation, then they need these internal tools that we work with them on more than ever.
Speaker 1Yeah, right, yeah, okay. So again I want to kind of revisit this idea of as we're supporting our clients this problem, this challenge about what happens when we right, we're working with this client. What happens when we right, we're working with this client. We, as divorce coaches, agree with the client that something is off, right, maybe the attorney's advice is questionable, or it appears that the forensic account is being dismissive, right? So we're noticing some things. What do we do? What do we do?
Speaker 2What do we do? I actually just had this with a client yesterday, where you know, and she told me something two things actually that a mediator did in session that my alarm bells went off Like this if what she told me happened happened, it was a complete ethical breach, right? So the first thing I do, because we have to stay in our role and stay in our lane, and I remember back to when my daughter's first day of kindergarten, her kindergarten teacher said to me let's make an agreement. I'll only believe half of what she tells me about you if you only believe half of what she tells me whatever you know, yeah, great example.
Speaker 2So, first of all, I don't. Our clients are activated and so we want to sift through what they say. Don't automatically jump on the bandwagon, so we've got to stay in our lane. We're not going to offer legal or financial advice, but we're going to really, really settle in now to this conflict resolution framework that we teach to help clients, because this is all down to exploring their options. What are they willing to do? What do they want to do? What are the bobo best of bad options? What are the choices on the table available to them?
Speaker 1Yeah, we might say if you're sort of feeling unsure, uncomfortable with this advice, it's okay to pause right To discuss options to potentially look at getting a second opinion or saying something like what would it look like to express that concern directly in your next meeting with attorneys? And this is where we also explore options of us perhaps supporting them in some of these professional meetings with attorneys and financial professionals to help address some of these communication biases or misunderstandings or misrepresentations.
Speaker 2Yeah, exactly, Exactly. So again we're coming back to skill building. So if we ask this question, what would it look like to express that concern directly in your next meeting? And the client looks like a deer caught in the headlights. That's where we want to get curious. Is this a fear of confrontation? Are they afraid they're going to be labeled difficult? I've had clients say that. Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 1They're almost afraid.
Speaker 2My attorney's going to think that I'm one of those difficult clients and they're not going to work as vigorously to represent me. So that's where we can do all of our coaching around these internal blocks and skill building. Help them practice boundary setting, asking those curious questions, redirecting the conversation. Respectfully, I always say asking the follow-up question. If you ask a question you get an answer you don't understand or don't agree with, it's okay to ask the follow-up. You don't want to walk away without that.
Speaker 1Yeah, our goal as divorce coaches shouldn't be to replace the professional, although sometimes that is a client's decision. And I said client's decision, yeah, it's. Our job is really to ensure that the client stays empowered, informed and clear in the face of perceived conflict.
Speaker 2Yeah, now let's add one more layer of complication here, or just another thing for us to be aware of, and that is sometimes the client's frustration with the professional is actually a projection of a broader feeling of disempowerment. They feel like this whole process is happening to them.
Speaker 1Yes.
Speaker 2Right.
Conflict Resolution as Life-Changing Tool
Speaker 1As divorce coaches. That is a coaching moment right. Da-da-da-da, where else are you feeling? Like your voice doesn't matter, right? When we widen the lens or our other favorite saying, go to the balcony, we can help the client take back some ownership of their whole experience, right, their role in this experience, not just this particular moment of conflict.
Speaker 2Right. And through that skill building, then, when they learn to assert themselves in one relationship with their attorney or their forensic accountant, that confidence ripples out to negotiations, to co-parenting, to parenting, to all the other relationships beyond no-transcript Yep. And at the core of that this is everything we're about at DCA right is conflict resolution, skill development, helping them ask better questions, set clearer boundaries, manage emotional responses and advocate for themselves with confidence and civility. I want to say because there's a way to advocate that doesn't feel good to the other side yes.
Speaker 1Right. So what we're talking about here goes far beyond a single frustrating exchange with a professional. This is truly about empowering our clients to become stronger, more effective communicators, not just during divorce, but in every aspect of their lives. At the heart of nearly every conflict we see is a breakdown in communication and, ironically, this is one of the things that I love about conflict. Communication is also the most powerful tool we have to reduce conflict. It is both the source of conflict and the solution to conflict. Can you say that again?
Speaker 2I think that bears repeating yes, it is.
Speaker 1That's why I love conflict communication right. It is both the source and the solution. So when we help clients develop this skill, we are not just fixing a moment. We, as divorce coaches, are helping them equip with a lifelong ability to manage tension, advocate for themselves and build yes more constructive relationships moving forward.
Speaker 2Yes, so conflict resolution, if you are a coach listening today, a DCA coach, and you realize this is an area where you want to grow. We offer foundational information about conflict in our initial divorce coach training, but it's not enough.
Speaker 1Never enough, it's never enough.
Advanced Training Opportunities
Speaker 2We want more. I thirst for it, right? So if you thirst for learning a little bit more, diving deeper into that, we would like to invite you to join our upcoming training. We're calling it Advanced Conflict Coaching and Divorce. It is a six-week specialty training designed for those of you that have gone through our DCA, adr Certified Divorce Coach Training, and we are going to build out that resolve framework Divorce Coach Training and we are going to build out that resolve framework. We're going to learn expanded skills to coach clients through entrenched, emotionally escalated or structurally complex conflict.
Speaker 1Yes, and if you are a DCA pre-mediation divorce coach, we are offering in September an advanced level of pre-mediation divorce coaching that is really really integrating more skills for the coach to develop, to help the client develop skills in high-conflict, high-stakes negotiations, whether that is in mediation right or also preparing for mediation or settlement negotiations with their attorney. So really, really important. And if you are a divorce coach that is not certified at Divorce Coaches Academy as an ADR-focused divorce coach, we really encourage you to check out our foundational training in dispute resolution as a divorce coach. It is a beginning, it's what we say ground floor one right these courses or additional trainings to build out those skills, but really really essential because by definition, divorce coaching is a form of dispute resolution. Our job is to support clients in engaging in conflict. Okay, we have a new certification course coming up in October. You can learn more about that training at dcadivorcecoachesacademycom. You can also email us at dcadivorcecoachesAcademycom. You can also email us at DCA at DivorceCoachesAcademycom if you'd like to learn more.
Speaker 2I just had a crazy thought. Sometimes I feel like we should rename our podcast at Conflict Junkies yes, yeah, because that's what we are.
Speaker 1Well, you also. We were talking about we do this sort of book club sometimes when we're talking about going back into it.
Speaker 2And.
Speaker 1I've had this great idea of calling it Fight Club, which I actually kind of loved. I thought that was really fun.
Speaker 2Because we love conflict, because learning to manage it well is literally life-changing.
Speaker 1Life-changing, life-changing, transformational, transformational.
Speaker 2All right, thanks for hanging out with us. If you are a conflict junkie or you know another one, we'd appreciate it if you'd share an episode with a friend, and we hope we will see you next time.