Brick by Brick: Divorce Lessons from the Three Little Pigs

What can a children's fairy tale possibly teach us about divorce? As it turns out, quite a lot. The story of the Three Little Pigs offers a surprisingly perfect framework for understanding how different approaches to divorce preparation yield dramatically different outcomes.

Some clients rush through their divorce process, making quick, reactive decisions—building with "straw." They might retain the most aggressive attorney they can find out of anger or fear, or just try to "get it over with" because they're exhausted. Others put in a bit more effort—the "stick" builders—talking to lawyers, downloading checklists, maybe reading a book or two. But they often miss the deeper emotional preparation, conflict pattern awareness, and values clarification that truly matters.

The wisest approach? Building with "bricks"—taking time to assess the landscape, understand the risks, and plan for resilience. This means assembling the right team (attorney, financial specialist, therapist, and yes, a divorce coach), getting clear on values and goals, developing communication skills, and learning emotional regulation. When the inevitable "wolf" comes—whether that's court conflict, custody challenges, or financial hurdles—this brick foundation stands strong.

As divorce coaches, we help clients slow down and shift from crisis thinking to strategic planning. We serve as the quarterback of their professional team, helping them engage the right specialists at the right time in the most effective ways. We aren't just offering emotional support (though that matters too); we're strategists, thinking partners, and often the only person in their life who sees the whole picture rather than just one component.

The difference between merely getting through a divorce and going through it well lies in this brick-by-brick approach—intentional, informed, and aligned with long-term wellbeing. When you work with clients who are panicking, remember the pigs. Are you helping them rush toward a straw solution, or are you guiding them to build something that will truly protect them when the winds of change start blowing?

Learn more about DCA® or any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

Website: www.divorcecoachesacademy.com
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LinkedIn: divorce-coaches-academy
Email: DCA@divorcecoachesacademy.com

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:40

Hey everyone and welcome back to the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast.

Speaker 2 0:44

I am Tracy and I'm Debra Debra, thanks for joining us today, whether you're a longtime listener or you just found us for the first time. We've got a fun and surprising metaphor we're going to unpack today, and that is the story of the three little pigs and what it can teach us, as professionals, about the importance of preparation and building strong teams for our clients going through divorce.

Speaker 1 1:10

Yes, you heard us correctly. We are going to be talking about the Three Little Pigs, because when it comes to divorce, the big bad wolf is coming. It's not if challenges arise, it's when, and our clients need to be ready with more than just straw or sticks. They need some brick houses, and that's where we come in.

Straw and Stick Houses in Divorce

Speaker 2 1:37

It is. So, in case you're a grown adult, it's been a while, let's do a quick refresher on the story. Case you're a grown adult, it's been a while, let's do a quick refresher on the story, right? So three little pigs each go out to build their own homes. One builds with straw it's fast, easy and cheap. The second pig decides to build their house with sticks. It's still not really sturdy, but it does require quite a bit more effort, right, it's a little sturdier. The third takes the time to build with bricks. It's hard work, it's slower, but in the end it is the only house of the three that stands strong when the big bad wolf comes by to huff and puff and try to blow it down.

Speaker 2 2:18

So let's think about our divorcing clients. Some of them are in full-blown crisis mode. They're overwhelmed, they're scared. We talked about fear last week. They're reactive and their instinct is to throw up a straw house. Make quick decisions, rush to a lawyer, avoid thinking long-term. Some might invest just a little more thought. Maybe they gather a few resources. Talk to friends, skim Google that's their stick house.

Speaker 1 2:47

Yeah, yeah. But that third pig, the brick builder, didn't just get lucky right. They took the time to assess the landscape, understand the risks, gather the right materials and plan for resilience. They thought about what could go wrong and took intentional steps to be ready for it. That's the mindset we want to cultivate in our clients. We want them to build a solid foundation, not just legally or financially, but emotionally and strategically.

Speaker 1 3:21

That starts with education, right Understanding the divorce process. Strategically. That starts with education, right Understanding the divorce process, the range of dispute resolution options and the likely challenges ahead. It includes emotional regulation, right Learning how to respond instead of react, how to separate the person from the process and how to show up as the parent or partner they want to be during and after divorce. It's also about values-based decision-making. When clients are clear about what matters most, whether it's protecting their children's mental health, maintaining financial independence or preserving their own integrity, they are able to make choices that support those goals, even when things get hard. And, most importantly, it's about not going it alone, surrounding themselves with a team of professionals who can each bring their own brick to that belt right Legal, financial, emotional, logistical.

Speaker 2 4:15

Yeah, and for us as divorce professionals, especially for those of us that are divorce coaches this means stepping in early and often to help clients slow the rush, quiet the noise and start thinking more long-term. Our goal is to help them hit pause, get strategic and avoid building those straw or stick structures that might feel pardon me good in the moment but are not going to hold up under pressure, because we're not just helping them go through the storm, we're helping them build something that survives this storm and positions them for life after it, when there's going to be more storms. Yes, it's not a matter of if it's a matter of when it's coming be more storms. Yes, it's not a matter of if it's a matter of when it's coming.

Speaker 1 5:05

It is coming. So let's kind of talk about what straw and stick thinking actually looks like in divorce. We see this all the time, right Clients making emotionally reactive choices, retaining the most aggressive attorney they can find because they're angry or afraid, or deciding to just get it over with because they're exhausted. That's a straw house. It might feel better in the moment, but it's not going to hold up when things get tough. And the stick house Well, that's a little trickier right. This might be someone who thinks they're preparing, but they're still missing some of that deeper work. They maybe talked to a lawyer, downloaded some checklists online, maybe even read a book or two, but they haven't done the emotional preparation. They haven't addressed their conflict patterns or clarified what's most important to them.

Building a Brick House: Strong Teams

Speaker 2 6:03

Yeah, yeah, if you don't mind, I'd love to share a client story that really highlights this. So my client let's call her Megan. Megan came to me after hiring a high-powered litigator based on the recommendation of a coworker. Very nice, she thought she was being proactive. She downloaded asset spreadsheets, bookmarked articles, made a color coded binder. That's the real stickhouse energy right. Yes, it looked solid.

Speaker 2 6:35

But Megan had not gotten clear on what she wanted post-divorce. She hadn't thought about the emotional toll of litigation on her kids or whether she wanted to maintain a co-parenting relationship long term. So a few months in, things got ugly. Her attorney was escalating conflict, her legal bills were through the roof and she almost felt like she kind of lost control of her own process. That's when she called me and we had to go back to the foundation her values, her goals, her vision for the future. And once she got clear on that, she was able to make a really big pivot. She changed attorneys, she agreed to mediation, she set some boundaries in her communication with her ex and started building her brick house, piece by piece.

Speaker 1 7:26

Yeah, what a great example, right, and I love how it shows that brick building doesn't mean you had to start off perfect. Sometimes clients start with straw or sticks, but then, when they work with a divorce coach trained specifically in the practice of dispute resolution, they get the tools and insight to pivot, and that pivot, just like Megan did, can change everything. It can change everything.

Speaker 2 7:56

So when we pivot, that brings us to talking about the brick house. What does that look like in the context of divorce? Well, first, it's about building a strong team. One of the most powerful things we can help clients understand is that divorce is not a solo sport. It is not a one-person job and it's not a one professional job either. They need a team. It might include a professional, certified divorce coach. It might include a family law attorney, a financial neutral, a mediator, a therapist, a parenting specialist we don't know, and they might not need all these people at once, and not every client will need every role, but they do need the right support in the right areas.

Speaker 1 8:44

Yeah, and I know I'm a bit biased here, but the divorce coach is often the cornerstone to this process. Right Quarterback Yep, yep, yep. We work with clients first to help them figure out what they need, when they need it, if they can afford it, based upon their defined divorce budget, and how to engage with those professionals wisely, meaning in the most effective and efficient way. That's brick building, my friends. You're helping your client lay a foundation of clarity. Then you add communication skills, emotional regulation, goal setting and darn it. We are building brick by brick. We also help our clients choose wisely, right, not just any attorney, but one aligned with their process goals. Not just someone to do their taxes, but a CDFA who understands divorce finance. We can help them build a team that supports their values and their long-term well-being.

Speaker 2 9:53

And, let's be honest, we also sometimes help them let go of the wrong people. If someone on their team is escalating conflict or undermining their confidence, they might be doing more harm than good. That's a weak spot in their wall and we can help our clients shore it up.

Four Key Lessons from the Story

Speaker 1 10:11

Shore it up, shore it up, yep. So there are certainly a few lessons we can take from the story of the three little pigs and apply directly to our work as divorce coaches, right? So let's just say lesson one speed is not your friend, right? Clients often feel pressured to rush and we need to help them slow down and get intentional. Lesson two foundations matter. Clients need clarity about their values, their goals and their non-negotiables before they take action. That's a huge part of the work we do. And, of course, lesson three from the three little pigs support structures save lives, literally and figuratively. No-transcript.

Speaker 2 11:19

I love that Support structure saves lives, and I'd like to add a fourth lesson, and that is that resilience is built through preparation. The wolf is coming, whether it's court conflict, custody challenges, financial challenges or emotional breakdowns. Right, our clients are going to face hard things, but when they've built with bricks, they're ready. They're ready to weather whatever that is that's coming. Whatever version of wolf is at their door, they're ready. And as coaches, then, we're in the perfect position to help our clients prepare, not just survive divorce, but to go through it in a way that sets them up for success on the other side it in a way that sets them up for success on the other side.

Speaker 1 12:04

Yeah, so they can be quote, unquote one of my favorite words, protected in their brick house.

Speaker 2 12:09

Protected right. I like to use the word sturdy Sturdy, okay. So if you're a divorce coach or other divorce professional, here are a few questions for you to consider this week. Are you helping your clients build with straw sticks or bricks? Here are a few questions for you to consider this week. Are you helping your clients build with straw sticks or bricks? Are you rushing the process or are you creating space for thoughtful preparation? Are you helping them identify and build the right team, or are you just letting them figure it out alone? Your clients may not even realize they're choosing a straw house until the wolf is at the door and stuff is blowing off the walls, but you can see it coming and you can guide them to build something stronger.

The Power of Brick by Brick Coaching

Speaker 1 12:56

Yes, and I really want to stress this isn't about telling your clients what to do. This is helping them understand what it is that they may need. Okay, and for our newer divorce coaches out there, right, let's be really clear. Your role is so much more than emotional support. It is, yes, empathy and presence are essential, but you're also a strategist, you're a thinking partner, you're a process guide, an educator, a conflict resolution specialist and, in many cases, the only person in your client's orbit who is holding the whole picture, not just one component. The whole picture right.

Speaker 1 13:45

You help your clients slow down long enough to breathe, and then you can help them zoom out, get to the balcony, you can shine a light on the blind spots. You can ask the questions no one else is asking. You can help them clarify their goals, align their actions with their values and engage with the process in a way that preserves their emotional well-being and long-term security. You are not just witnessing their divorce, you are helping them build it in an informed are there two favorite words? Informed and intentional way. That's the difference between getting through a divorce and going through it well. And say that again that's the difference between getting through a divorce and going through it. Well, and that is the power of brick by brick coaching. You do not have to have all the answers, but you do have to help them ask the right questions. That's brick work. That's where that transformation happens.

Speaker 2 14:59

Yeah, yeah. So next time you're working with a client who's in crisis mode, maybe even panicking remember the pigs. Remember the pigs. Ask yourself are we rushing toward a straw solution or can we slow down, get thoughtful and start stacking some bricks? Stacking some bricks and when we're talking about especially building a team for those of you that are part of our DCA coach community, if you didn't get a chance to hear Tracy Moore Grant from the Amicable Divorce Network, come and speak with us. Please go into your community and watch the recording. She is specifically coming and talk to our coaches about how to identify family law professionals that will have a small C collaborative or resolution focused approach, ones that aren't likely and so helping your client choose that right team member.

Closing Thoughts and Community Invitation

Speaker 1 15:54

Yeah, and if you are not part of our community, you're wondering how can I be part of your community? I be part of your community. You can join us for any level of education and be part of us, whether that is our foundational certification, training as ADR, certified divorce coaches, or some of our master level trainings in conflict coaching, conflict to co-parenting, or preparing clients to go into mediation. So please, please, please, feel free to explore our offerings at divorcecoachesacademycom and, to that point, we want to thank you for being with us today. We hope this episode gave you a new lens for thinking about your work with clients and the value you bring as a divorce coach.

Speaker 2 16:43

Yes, and, as always, our goal with the podcast is to talk about the things you want to hear about, so we would love to hear your thoughts. You can connect with us on the website, divorcecoachesacademycom, or DM us somewhere on social media. We're on Facebook, instagram, linkedin. Check us out. And, of course, if you did enjoy this, if you thought this was helpful today, we would love it if you would leave us a review or share it with a colleague.

Speaker 1 17:11

Yes, thanks everyone, and until next time, keep up building brick by brick, brick by brick.