Navigating Divorce When Family Advice Clashes With Resolution

When love gets loud, decision-making gets messy. We sit down with family law attorney, mediator, and certified ADR divorce coach Lauren Fair to unpack why support from family and friends often feels good in the moment but can quietly anchor clients in rigid positions. From “my cousin got the house” jurisdiction myths to the rallying effect of loyal allies, we trace how emotional justice can overshadow long-term interests and derail reasonable agreements.

Together we map a different path: neutrality, structure, and reality testing. Lauren shares how she helps clients separate feelings from facts, weigh costs against outcomes, and align choices with core values like stability for kids, financial sustainability, and healthier communication. We talk through funding dynamics—when a parent pays for services and expects a say—and how to reset power imbalances without blowing up negotiations. You’ll hear practical tools you can use immediately: boundary scripts that honor love while declining directives, somatic cues to sense whether a choice is grounded, and a simple framework for designing a support circle on purpose.

For clients, treat advice as data and keep your hands on the wheel. For family and friends, the most loving move is to listen more and fix less. And for coaches, expect outside opinions to surface weekly and have a clear protocol ready to normalize the noise, test realities, and protect client agency. Love and protection matter, but clarity and resolution move families forward.

If this conversation sparked insight, subscribe, share it with a colleague, and leave a review. Your support helps more professionals and families move from chaos to clarity.

To reach Lauren and learn more about her practice, visit https://www.sensiblesplitdivorce.com/legal-team/lauren-m-fair/  or reach her by email at lauren@sensiblesplitdivorce.com 

Learn more about DCA® or  any of the classes or events mentioned in this episode at the links below:

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Transcript

Welcome And Guest Introduction

SPEAKER_01 0:39

Welcome back to Divorce Coaches Academy podcast, where we explore the powerful intersection of emotion, strategy, and conflict resolution at the individual level in the divorce process. I am your host, Tracy. And today I am so pleased to be joined by someone whose insight and compassion continues to shape the world of family law and mediation. Lauren Fair. Welcome, Lauren. Thank you, Tracy. I really appreciate the opportunity to be here. So happy to have you. So Lauren is many, many, many things. I'm going to try to get them all in. She is a family law attorney, runs a family law practice, is a family mediator as well, a certified ADR divorce coach, runs a divorce coaching practice, mentor, podcaster, colleague, and friend. Did I miss something, Lauren? There's there's so many titles. And then even when I looked at your bio, I was looking at all your education, and my head was like, you are a lover of education. She is a consumer of education. That's true. I think you got it all, Tracy. All right. So today our topic hits close to home for almost every client we work with. And we are calling it when love gets loud, family, friends, and the barriers to resolution. Because here's the truth divorce does not happen in a vacuum. It happens in a chorus of voices, right? Family and friends rush in with love, opinions, fierce loyalty, hoping to protect someone they care about. But sometimes, a lot of times, that emotional investment, that love, that love can actually make things harder. So today, Lauren and I are diving into how personal support can both heal and hinder, and how we as ADR divorce coaches can help clients move from chaos to my favorite word, clarity. Yes, that's a lot. I know a lot for 20 minutes. And I'm gonna try to stay on track here. Okay. So, Lauren, let's start, let's just dive in, let's start with the heart of this. In your experience, what are some of the most common ways that family and friends, even when acting out of love, unintentionally make the divorce process harder for our clients?

SPEAKER_00 3:26

Yeah, I I think it starts, excuse me, I think it starts primarily with giving advice. Yeah, it's so common for somebody who's going through divorce to turn to friends and family to want to talk about what's going on, you know. And people I think who love you want to protect you. It's hard to see someone hurting. And so the natural instinct is I need to do something to help. I need to fix the situation. And what does that look like? It looks like giving advice. And the thing is, is that that advice is comes from that person's beliefs about divorce that they pick up through their life from their own experiences, from media, you know, from other friends' experiences that they've witnessed. You know, they pick up these beliefs about divorce and the way that you should approach it. And then they feel free to offer those opinions.

Advice, Bias, And Jurisdiction Myths

SPEAKER_01 4:24

Yeah. Sometimes not just offer it, right? Sometimes kind of expect it. I don't know about you, but like I can only relate to this. My kids aren't old enough yet to be married and and go through a divorce. Just yeah, I'm sure we'll have plenty of opportunities in the future. But I can tell you this, right? As a mother, right, if my child got into an argument with a friend and that friend did something not nice to my child, damn, I was all in. I did not like this kid, I didn't like anything about them. And then when my child, who is again, you know, deep in her roots like her mother, resolved the conflict and was able to move forward with her friend. Do you know who couldn't move forward with the friend? Me. Me. I'm still like, well, she said such mean things about you, right? So just a perfect example, right? Of of how that loyalty and love, right? Which I was acting out of love, the the instinct was to protect my child. So that happens all the time, right? In in divorce with uh, especially parents I see of of clients. And yeah, and I think you mentioned something else that I think is also us, you know, aside from the the protection part, also friends who've gone through experiences who then share kind of this interesting perspective of divorce. Like, well, I got the house. You should be able to get the house too. Right. So, so then my clients running back to me, like, hey, but my cousin Shelly, she said she got the house and I want the house. Why can't I get the house?

SPEAKER_00 6:22

Exactly. Yeah, it's hard for people to realize that their situation is unique and different from someone else's situation, right? Sometimes that friend or family member isn't even in the same jurisdiction as they are, right? So different laws may apply. And also there are just differences in factual scenarios that a lay person just isn't trained to see. So it's it's natural for a client to think, oh well, my friend got this. Why couldn't I get that? Right. Because they're that they're just not in a position to be able to assess the differences.

SPEAKER_01 6:58

Yeah. They just they they're not educated, right? So, so they're in there. And and what's happening, right, in in this process and this love and support, protection and an influence, it's also creating some additional conflict, right? It's creating that barrier for that client to be able to effectively do what we're hoping they can do, right? Is move forward in developing some skills in in efforts to resolve. So, you know, we we talk about this all the time in in divorce that conflict is inevitable, right? Combat is optional, our favorite Max Locato quote. But divorce often activates what we call sort of this tribal instinct, if you will, right? Families circling the wagon. How can we help clients, right, discern between this sort of emotional comfort and strategic clarity, right? For them to be able to sort of understand what part of this is and then understand how this could potentially prevent them or create a barrier to moving towards resolution, which is what we're supporting our clients to ultimately get to, right? At their their for the benefit of themselves and their family.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

Yeah. Well, I think really it comes down to the neutral space that we're holding for clients and being able to walk them through that process of inquiry to figure out what's really driving this decision. What's really driving this action that I'm wanting to take? Is it a feeling like fear or anger? Or is it, you know, am I getting kind of rallied behind by people in a way that feels really good? Right. It always feels good, especially when you're in that emotionally activated place and having conflict with, you know, a soon-to-be former spouse, to feel like you have yes people behind you.

Rallying Squads Versus Long‑Term Goals

SPEAKER_01 9:07

Yeah. Yeah, let's go, right? That's a jerk, right? We're taking them to the cleaners. We're gonna take them to the cleaners. You deserve everything. You finish state home, right? Yes. So there is that rallying, right? It's like if you will uh uh uh literally circling the wagon, but it's like this pep rally of people behind you confirming maybe some of those not necessarily good instincts, right? But it feels good, right?

SPEAKER_00 9:37

Totally, it feels really good in the short term, yeah. But we've got to help clients refocus on the long term. And so are we looking for emotional justice or are we uh making decisions that are in your long-term best interests based on the options that are available, right? The professional advice that you may have, right, and a consideration of what your values, interests, and priorities are. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Because that rallying, right, really keeps clients stuck in that uh emotionally sort of a little dysregulated place in the fact that they're really grounded in their position. Right. So they're not being able to effectively separate the two because right, I'm I'm staying in that state of activation with some level of uh kind of confirmation that it's okay. My my agenda is right, these are the things that are right. So I am going to fight for 80-20 custody, or I'm gonna fight for the house, or I'm gonna fight for X amount of money and support, right? I'm using it to justify it, which then is that emotional support is then providing a barrier to be enameled to get to that next point, which we talk about as dispute resolution specials all the time is that future focus. Where do you want to be and what are you willing to do to get there?

SPEAKER_00 11:07

Right. It really has the potential of making clients more anchored in their positions and being less in a space of flexible thinking. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:18

And I I find it interesting because I do think two things can be true at the same time. I say this a lot, right? That our clients can seek, right, the emotional support and be able to continue to build the skills to be able to be strategic in their approach to conflict resolution. So that sort of leads me to my next big question, right? In our role as ADR divorce coaches, right, what can we do that basically friends and family can't do for our clients? Right? Our distinct role.

The Coach’s Neutral Role And Structure

SPEAKER_00 11:57

Yeah. Well, I mean, first of all, it's being neutral and holding space for a client to sort through these big decisions in a way where they are not pressured and they're not making these decisions based on biased opinions, you know, alone. I think it's it's unnatural for a friend or family member to be neutral, right? It's not their fault. It's just not your inclination in that situation.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

No, I don't want to be Switzerland, right?

SPEAKER_00 12:30

Right, right. Yeah. So you know, I think we can provide neutrality, a structured process that helps them to sort through these difficult decisions because it can be really confusing when you receive input from a professional in the process, a friend, a family member, maybe all of that conflicts to some degree. I mean, and that makes it extra difficult too when you have conflicting information coming in. And so, how do you sort through those things? Because there's I think an inclination to want to please everyone, right? Take their advice. And what does it mean if you don't do that? Like what impact is that gonna have on the relationship if you don't take that person's advice? Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

Especially when you're already losing a relationship, right? And and need those other relationships. Those are, you know, sort of our accommodating conflict styles.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

Right. Yeah. And I think our role as a divorce coach, too, is to always be listening beyond what the client is saying to be able to pick up on what we hear as their values and their interests and their priorities, and keeping that in mind as we work through the relationship with them and being able to check in with them when they're about to make a decision, take a certain action, and have them pause to see how does that particular decision or action match up with what they've shared with you that they would like this process to look like for them or how they want to be in the process.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

Yeah, I love that. And and really also building off that neutrality piece, right? That we can also create a safe space that is without judgment, right? To be able to process some of these things and these experiences, to be able to look at those two conflicting thoughts, right? Well, this is where I want to go, but this is what my parents want me to do, or this is what my friends think I should be doing, or this is what everybody's telling me I need to do. And then to be able to really kind of dive into those in terms of what is everybody's interest? Because when we talk about dispute resolution, we're not only just talking about the interests of the two parties in divorce, we're talking about the spouses, but in these other outside kind of extraneous noise, as we just talked about this this chorus of voices and conflict, there's also conflict here. There's interests of those other parties, right? Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

And one thing that just came up for me as you were saying that is what can make this extra complicated is when a family member is helping pay for legal services. Yes, such a great or for other professionals in the process.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

Yeah.

When A Funder Wants A Say

SPEAKER_00 15:22

Because I think sometimes when that's the case, that payor believes that their opinion should have even more weight, maybe. Yeah.

unknown 15:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:32

And so how do you deal with that? Where, you know, you might want to make a decision that's contrary to what that person wants you to do, but they're paint.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

Mm-hmm.

Tools: Reality Testing, Somatic Checks, Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 15:44

Such a good point. I was, it just was making me think about a client was sharing this story earlier who was really, really close to reaching a resolution. And they the the family aself was a very, you know, kind of modest income family. They they uh had limited funds, but they were trying to move forward, but they had a special needs child. And the special needs child needed to go to special schools, and and although they were getting actively working towards grants and scholarships to be able to keep their child in in these sort of higher level special needs schools, that the tuition was really, really high. There came a point where she, in her negotiations, was kind of agreeing that each of them were agreeing that if we couldn't, we couldn't figure it out in in the support that we would if we had to, we could go into our separate property and do it. So for my client, it was really about some money she had, believe it or not, from her bar mitzvah umpteen years ago, right? And she was saying uh she was working towards an agreement that said, yes, if it got to that point that that she would do such in the best interest of her child. Her mom, on the other hand, was furious. And her mom was not only paying for her work with me, but paying for the the process in general. And she was not happy about it and was really, really close to blowing up the entire negotiation based on I'm not even, I think it was maybe$16,000 that had accrued some money from when she was a young child. And that was an example, right? That the mom had uh sort of undue influence in that case because she was also the person funding the process and creating some additional conflict that really almost derailed a pretty reasonable agreement that was really focused again on what the best interest of her child was. It wasn't that she was giving that money to something else. So, really, really valid point there.

SPEAKER_00 18:00

Yeah. Well, I think in a similar vein, too, one of the things that we can do as divorce coaches is to help clients go through a cost-benefit analysis of the decision that they're making too in a way where the fam friend or family member may not have that same ability to do that or the same level of information. And that's a key piece too of what we do is education. Right. So it's a combination, I think, there of education on what's, you know, what does that look like if you take that action? What is the likely kind of next, what are the next steps? What are the likely out, what's the likely outcome? And then also what's the cost-benefit analysis look like of that?

SPEAKER_01 18:40

Absolutely. Right. So, so in in sort of general, we as divorced coaches, separate from families, can bring structure, safety, neutrality, uh, a place to be able to process this that is outside of often that a very emotionally flooded space when friends and family are there. So we're I I really want to stress this, right? Our role as coaches, as I understand it and in my work with clients, is that we're here to complement that process. We're not here to replace friends and family. That emotional support from loved ones still extremely important, right? But we can we can play a really significant part in supporting clients through this process. So I know we talked about uh a couple different ways and how we do this, but can we just kind of go back and maybe highlight again as divorced coaches, what do we actually do to help clients sort of find their own space when outside opinions start to take over?

SPEAKER_00 19:45

Sure. Yeah. What comes to mind for me is first is normalizing the fact that the client is looking to trusted advisors of all sorts, that includes family members and friends, for input on what they should do. And normalizing the fact that the friends and family members are offering that information because they're trying to do what they think is best for the client. So it makes sense that everybody's engaging in this exchange of information. And from there, using our inquiry skills to help clients reality test what one course of action versus another would look like. So just looking at, you know, what are the positives of this? What are the potential, you know, what's the flip side of this coin look like? What do you think about that? How does this match up with your values, your interests, your priorities? Um I think sometimes, you know, what especially when there's conflicting information that the client's getting, it prevent it presents as confusion in the session.

SPEAKER_01 20:51

And can be feels like chaos, right? Chaos and confusion.

Building Your Support Team With Intention

Client Guidance: Data, Not Directives

SPEAKER_00 20:56

Yeah. So helping them look at all of those different options and maybe others that they hadn't thought of through that inquiry and reality testing process. Another thing that you know for me is really effective and can be for certain clients, depending on their level of kind of connection with their body, is some somatic work. Like, what does it feel like in your body when you think about this particular option? Like, how do you know what does it feel like when something is the right decision for you? Do you have access to that? Like a certain level of intuition or just inner knowing of this feels like settled. It's an open feeling, maybe, you know, versus what does it feel like in my body when a decision is not actually the right thing for me? It doesn't really resonate with what I want to do here. Some clients will have access to that, or you can help them create some awareness around what that feels like. And that might be a tool among others that you could look at to help the client sort through like, is this someone else's decision, you know, or input that they're not really wanting to onboard, right? Is this that they know isn't really for them? Or is this something that they do agree with? Like it's something that would be useful for them. Um I think too, you know, another thing is helping clients to see that they don't have to be available for advice that they don't want. So like you said, like the friends and family members might not just offer the input, they they it might be a little more forceful than that, but that doesn't mean that you have to be open to receiving it. Yeah. And maybe you want some support from family members, but not of the nature that you're getting. Yeah. So kind of deciding in advance, like who is my who's my emotional support circle? Who's in that? Who do I want to be part of that? Yeah. And what are their strengths in that regard? You know, like is my my uncle really good with numbers and he can help me with my, you know, sort out some questions I have about some of the numbers, right? But I don't really want him telling me what to do with my kids, right? Or maybe it's I don't want any kind of input in that regard. I just want some support in my transition. Like I could use some help when I move, like and kind of training people to understand like this is what I would like for you. And I would love the support that you're wanting to give me, and I so appreciate that. And here's what you could do that would really help me.

unknown 23:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

I think it'd be a useful approach.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

And I think that's so much the work that we do with clients in setting boundaries, understanding what a boundary is, setting boundaries within themselves and getting clarity on that, and then being able to effectively communicate that, right? Or or what I like to talk about, sort of those boundary scripts. So, so so much there, right? Education, we talked about, right? The also the client is learning skills and conflict resolution, and their friends and family aren't. Right. So they may be of starting at this one level. And now the education and the skill development is helping with the client as we're working with them and supporting that process. But the family's still stuck because they haven't gotten any of that education or skill development. So that's also a challenge when we're seeing that, which then creates opportunities, as you were just sharing, to really be able to look at who is part of their team, who's providing emotional support and what do they need from them? Which is such a beautiful sort of next uh piece to this as we're we're close to wrapping up. So if there are any clients listening, Lauren, what what advice would you give them about balancing sort of that family support with independent decision making?

Family Guidance: Listen More, Fix Less

SPEAKER_00 25:06

Yeah, I think first is just recognizing that that input from friends and family members really is just data for you. It's someone else's opinion, and you get to decide how you think and feel about that. And if you don't want to take on that advice and implement it, just understanding that that's okay. Like even if you have to feel a way that you'd rather not, which is, you know, maybe judged or misunderstood or something along those lines, it in order to not move forward with that advice, that that's okay. Like you can make space for that and not act on that feeling by doing something that you know isn't right for you. And so I think you can ask yourself, is this someone else's fear, right? Or is this my fear, for example?

Coach Takeaways And Closing CTA

SPEAKER_01 26:02

I love that. And that's a hard question, right? Um, and and building off of what you had said earlier, right, about who's on your team and then what their strengths are, what you need from them. I work with a lot of clients, but clients can do this. So if you're somebody listening and balancing, trying to figure out what is it that you need, right? Because other people need things too. Your friends and family need stuff too, right? What do you need? And then what's your request, right? If you need, right, some support because you are working and trying to manage as a single parent, maybe the request from mom is that she makes a casserole. And then mom feels useful, right? Can can move a little away from the advice giving, and and you had a need met. So, really that need and request, I think, is also somebody if you're a client and you're going through this. Try to try to take some perspective on that. And then on the flip side of that, what do we what advice would you give for family and friends uh showing up for this process? How they can both show love and loyalty without taking over.

SPEAKER_00 27:14

I think it's listen more and advise less. Yeah, I like that. Yes, don't try to fix the problem. It's so tempting to want to do that, right? And instead of trying to fix it, instead resist the urge and be a good listener, ask how can I support you in this process? And then that allows your loved one to be free to tell you how you could be most useful to them because you are useful to them.

SPEAKER_01 27:44

Absolutely. Absolutely. And in empowering everybody in that situation, right? Because I know family and friends, they mean well. We mean well. We just need to listen more. So I love that. Be a listener, not a fixer. Um, and for our coaches, what is one takeaway that we want to leave for our divorce coaches listening out there when they're working with clients surrounded by strong outside opinions?

SPEAKER_00 28:14

Well, it's gonna come up a lot. That's for one. I mean, I don't think I think that's it. I don't think a week goes by that this doesn't come up in some form for me in my practice. So expect it and think about what we've said today and come up with a protocol for you of how do I want to approach this? When the client brings us to the session, how can I really help them sort through this in a way that is conflict resolution oriented and also helps them to see that, you know, by by choosing a conflict resolution-oriented kind of method or approach, it doesn't mean that we're shutting out the friends and family members, right? We're taking the good from what they can offer and then helping a client sort through what is best for them because at the end of the day, this is their situation, their life, their finances, right? Their decisions that they have to be satisfied with how they handled.

SPEAKER_01 29:14

Yep. Yeah. That was so beautifully said, right? Love and protection are powerful, but clarity and resolution are the gifts that absolutely help families move forward. So, Lauren, we've totally gone over my time. I want to thank you so much for joining me today. And to all of our listeners, thank you for turning into Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. If you found this conversation valuable, please be sure to subscribe, share it with a colleague, leave us a review. We always appreciate that. And until next time, please stay curious, stay compassionate, and keep helping clients move from chaos to clarity. Thanks so much. Thanks, Randy.