The SALT TALK with Jermine Alberty

Building True Friendship: The Four A’s You Need

• Jermine Alberty • Season 3 • Episode 7

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World Friendship Day (International Day of Friendship), celebrated on July 30th, is a reminder of the power of genuine connection in addressing today’s loneliness epidemic. In this episode, we’ll explore the Four A’s model for building authentic friendships: Accessibility, Assurance, Affection, and Accountability.

True friendship means more than casual connection—it’s about carrying one another’s burdens, loving deeply, and sharpening each other to grow. As you listen, I invite you to take on this challenge: choose one step from the Four A’s model and intentionally practice it with a specific friend.

Even small, deliberate acts can spark profound change—both in your relationships and in the lives of those around you.

Jermine Alberty:

Well, everybody, welcome to the SALT Talk with Jermine Alberty, and I am so excited about our July episode because July 30th is World Friendship Day. Yes, this is officially recognized by the United Nations to celebrate friendship. Not only to celebrate friendship, but to foster unity. And, as you know, at the Saw Talk we blend spirituality, mental health, community and recovery into meaningful conversations. I never forget my kids and I watching Toy Story and of course there's Woody and there's Buzz and all the toys and, before you know it, the song you Got a Friend in Me. When the road looks rough ahead and you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed, you got a friend in me. And you know, friendship is so very important because it's not just some sentimental kind of thing, it really is essential when you think about how important it is that we are in community with one another.

Jermine Alberty:

It's just not good for us to be alone. In fact, research tells us that loneliness is an epidemic, and I could go through a bunch of statistics that could prove that point. You know one of those is in the US, that 21% of adults reported feeling lonely, with symptoms like anxiety and depression and a loss of purpose. Another stat is that 60% plus feel lonely regularly, and another stat is that 57% of Americans feel lonely. I mean, it's amazing how connected we are through social media and yet how lonely many of us are. And that's why, to me, I thought it would be so important to just recognize this world friendship day because, although it may feel as if we are surrounded by people all day, we can still feel unseen and still be so very isolated. I think that when we talk about the need just to have a friend, we point to the fact that isolation isn't just physical but it's also emotional, and a lot of people in our communities unfortunately, die alone. And you know, I want to most definitely take this and make it a little more upbeat of a conversation, but I also know that if we don't have this conversation, then people will continue to suffer in silence and it's okay to say, hey, I need help. Did you know that chronic loneliness can affect heart health, immunity and even one's lifespan?

Jermine Alberty:

But there's hope. There is hope and that hope is found in Scripture for some. You know, in Scripture it talks about how friendship is one of those things where, when you're a friend, you bear the burden of the other, that when you are a friend you love deeply and when you are a friend you sharpen one another. Say there, because friends are so very important to be able to just talk to and share what you are experiencing and be able to carry that load with you so you don't care about yourself. Friends should be there to love you just deeply and not have that shallow love that only when you're doing for them, that they are there for you, but that deep love that is reciprocated. And then you know friends should be there to help build you up, you know, to help strengthen you, that when you're dull they sharpen you. That's why friends should be there.

Jermine Alberty:

And you know I was growing up and there was a song called Friends. How many of us have them. Friends, you know and that song, you know how many of us have them. You know how many of us have these friends. And I'm not talking about those Facebook friends, I'm not talking about the friends that we have in social media platforms. You know many of us. When we look on our Facebook page, we have hundreds, even thousands of friends. I mean, I know that I probably have about 1,500 friends on Facebook, that I probably have about 1,500 friends on Facebook, and I know of many of them, but I don't know them. And so it's really important, because sometimes what happens is people think they know what's going on in your life based upon what you post on social media, like your vacation photos or your birthday photos or those inspirational quotes, and people feel like, oh man, they must be doing amazing, and the reality is, this is that you might not, and so, for me, I really want to make sure that I surround myself with just a few good friends.

Jermine Alberty:

There's a scripture that says a man of many companions may come to ruin, but there's a friend who sticks closer than a brother, and that's what I want. I want friends that are connected to me, not because of what they can necessarily get from me, but because our spirits are connected. Because our spirits are connected, I'm grateful that I got some friends, that we are soul sisters and soul brothers, you know, because it's our souls that link us together, and what a great gift it is to have friends where your souls link you together. You know, I have this ideal that soulmates are not just people who you're supposed to be romantically interested in, but soulmates are those people that you know that, like you know each other Like there is when you meet them. There's a connection, there's an energy, there's a synergy that says hey, we are supposed to be in each other's lives.

Jermine Alberty:

And so I want to encourage you, on this friendship day, that you just begin to think about how do you appreciate those people who you call friends, who you call friends, and that we take full advantage of the time we have, because time is so fleeting, like you don't know how much time you have. And so, on this friendship day, it's so important that we reach out to those people who we call friends and we love on them. You know, psychologists tell us that a part of loneliness as long as epidemic today isn't just about being alone. As I said earlier, it's about being surrounded by connection but still feeling unseen. But still feeling unseen. And we scroll, we like, we comment, but we rarely go deep.

Jermine Alberty:

And so I'm a man of many models that I've developed over my lifetime, and I've developed a model that I call the four A's, and initially I taught this model as a triple A model. And when you get broke down on the side of life and you're in your vehicle, you call triple A and they come and they give you a gallon of gas to get you to the gas station. They change a tire until you can get the tire repaired or replaced. They're there to just be there for you when you're in a situation where you just need a little help. And so I developed this AAA model and I think I may have even discussed it on a prior podcast and as I was talking to a friend, I thought about another A that I needed to add to that model, and so this is this 4A model that I want to share with you all again, because I think it's so important on this International Friendship Day.

Jermine Alberty:

And so the model begins with accessibility, and then assurance and affection, and then that other A that I added to this model is accountability. And so when we talk about persons being accessible in regards to digital interactions, I want to touch that first with regards to digital interactions, and I want to move from digital interactions to more those personal interactions. But accessibility means we make ourselves available beyond the timeline. Assurance means that we're letting someone know I've got your back and I'll show up for you. Affection reminds us that friendship requires warmth and not just words. And then accountability speaks to challenging us through love. Once again, challenging us through love, so that we're able to speak truth even when it's hard.

Jermine Alberty:

There was a quote that I heard and I wrote it down and I put it in a notebook. And I was going through some of my notebooks and I came to it and it talked about you know, honesty without empathy is brutality and I thought, wow, that's powerful. Honesty without empathy is brutality. Sometimes people are really mean to people and they say I'm just telling the truth. I'm just telling the truth and it's a way that you can tell the truth without trying to destroy somebody, because many times when we're telling the truth about something, the reality is we haven't thought about sometimes what if we were in that situation, how we want somebody to respond to us.

Jermine Alberty:

So, while we hold each other accountable, we have to be affectionate. We can't just shoot out words. We need to have some warmth behind those words and in that warmth we're offering assurance, letting that person know hey, I got your back, I'll show up for you. But that involves us being accessible. You know, accessible. If we want to make it five A's, you know it would be accessible and available. You know, because sometimes people can be accessed but they're not available. So we would make this five A's. It would be accessibility, availability, assurance, affection and accountability.

Jermine Alberty:

Listen, it can just grow and grow, but I think it's so important that I tie in because I always say once a pastor, always a pastor. You know, a lot of people ask, hey, where do you go to church at, where are you serving at? And I explain to people that I feel as if I am called to the one. We have enough pastors for the 99, but not enough pastors for the one, and I love pastoring. But I'm so grateful for the journey that I'm on right now as I go around the country and help pastors and leaders and congregations build out their mental health ministries. I'm so grateful for this work, and so I will always use my faith and my beliefs as a way to try to inspire and encourage people.

Jermine Alberty:

So when you listen to this podcast, you'll hear me from time to time reference sacred texts, and so I love the Proverbs. Proverbs are filled with wisdom, and so I love this scripture. Proverbs 17, 17 says a friend loves at all times, and I love that because being accessible, being available, is important and I just can't love you when I want to love you. A friend loves at all times, at all times, and that requires us being there. So, on this International Friendship Day, I would love for you to make a list of people that you're just going to call and say hey, friend, I just wanted to see how you're doing, and I know we're busy, all of us are busy. Know, we're busy, all of us are busy. We just make a list.

Jermine Alberty:

July 30th is International Friendship Day. Make a list, call five people who you haven't talked to and just say hey, I just wanted to call and say hi. I'm talking about people who you consider friends. I'm not talking about complete strangers, people you consider friends. Call them up and check in on them, because it's about friendship and it's about unity. This day is about friendship and unity. And so, when we talk about assurance, it's really interesting how, when you look at John 15, jesus says you are my friends, and then he says if you do what I command you to do, that's over in John 15, but then later on, he says I no longer call you servants, I call you friends.

Jermine Alberty:

And in that whole context of friendship and servanthood, there is a shifting of intimacy. There's a shifting of intimacy. There's a shifting of intimacy because he says a servant doesn't know what the master is doing, but a friend does. There's a shifting I'm your friend, not just your master, and I think sometimes there are these different degrees of power dynamics in friendships where we have power over people and we need to move from trying to have power over people to having power with people, sharing power, not talking down to people, but having shared power. You move from this master-servant kind of dynamic to no, we're friends, we can be intimate with each other, we can be confident in each other, we can trust each other. There's no way to be assured to someone if they can't trust you and have confidence in you. That might have been a bit much right there, but it's important that I can confide in you and trust in you in order to feel assured by you. I'm almost finished. I'm almost finished.

Jermine Alberty:

Affection Ecclesiastes 4, 9 to 10 tells us that friends uplift one another, and I think that's so important that you can call on somebody who can lift you up when you're down. I know that the text talks about encouraging ourselves, being able to encourage ourselves, but it's also good to be able to turn to somebody who can encourage you, and I consider myself sometimes the CEO of many people's lives. I am the chief encouragement officer. That's right. I am the chief encouragement officer and I don't mind being that for people. I don't mind being that encourager, that anchor, that person that you can turn to and share your challenges with. Don't mind being that as long as that person is willing to be accountable and be willing to accept responsibility for what they're going through, so that together we can get out that hole together. I can't climb down that hole with you and sit with you in that hole and encourage you, but I'm not going to stay in that hole with you, but I'll come down there, I'll sit with you, I'll talk with you, I'll break bread with you, but when I'm ready to climb out that hole and take the rope I use to get down there and I'm ready to climb out and if you say I'm going to stay down here in this hole, I'm going to let you stay down there and when you're ready, call my name.

Jermine Alberty:

Accountability is about encouraging people to grow. Accountability is about us being able to talk with integrity to our friends and be able to stand on our values, be able to stand on our truths. And so, as we wrap up this podcast, it started off really heavy, but I hope that we have moved from that heaviness to some assurance, move from that heaviness to some assurance. And so I just want to wrap up with a few more things in how we can apply this 4A, 5a model. And then I'm going to encourage you all, on July 30th, when you listen to this podcast, to go and be a friend to somebody. And so here's some more things Accessibility so set reoccurring plans that could be hosting monthly dinners, some groups, so forth.

Jermine Alberty:

The other thing is, with regards to accessibility, it is being able to be clear with people like, hey, I'm available this time, this time, and having very clear boundaries. The other thing with regards to assurance is once again being able to speak those affirmations of I believe in you and being able to once again share those vulnerabilities to false trust and been able to once again share those vulnerabilities to foster trust. And then, once again, affection. I want to encourage you to just be able to call folks and just express what you're grateful for about them, just express some gratitude, recall moments and share appreciation on that friendship day. And then once again back to accountability. Accountability is that gentle correction. It could be mentoring, it could be praying for someone, but once again it really is about that mutual encouragement we provide one to the other.

Jermine Alberty:

Listen, my friends, you have been listening to another episode of the Salt Talk with Jermaine Alberti and I want to encourage you with this challenge. I want for you to pursue at least one step of the A model Accessibility, assurance, affection, accountability, availability, share. Do at least one of these steps with a specific friend. I want you to know that even small efforts can spark deep change. Once again, you've been listening to the Salt Talk with Jermaine Alkey. I look forward to you joining me for another episode of the Salt Talk with Jermaine Alkey. And I look forward to you joining me for another episode of the Salt Talk.

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Jermine Alberty

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