Where is Your Ideal Self?!

In this episode of Mama Needs Me Time, Molly Ryden discusses the journey of rediscovering one's ideal self after becoming a mom. She explores the difference between surviving and thriving in motherhood, emphasizing the importance of self-care, setting boundaries, and reconnecting with personal passions. Molly encourages moms to reflect on their identities outside of motherhood and offers practical techniques for self-discovery, while also addressing the pervasive issue of mom guilt and the need for community support.

Key Points

• Motherhood can shift us into survival mode.
• Thriving means feeling joy and being your true self.
• It's natural for moms to focus on their kids' needs.
• We often lose sight of our passions and interests after becoming a mom.
• Taking time for yourself is not selfish; it's essential.
• Setting boundaries helps protect your time and energy.
• Finding a supportive community can aid in rediscovery.
• Letting go of mom guilt is crucial for personal growth.
• Affirmations can help shift your mindset towards thriving.
• A fulfilled mom positively impacts her family and community.

Journaling Questions
What were my interests and passions before motherhood?

What parts of myself have I missed the most?

What activities made me feel most like me?

Chapters

00:00
Rediscovering Your Ideal Self as a Mom

06:32
Techniques for Reconnection

16:05
Letting Go of Mom Guilt and Affirmations

Transcript

Molly Ryden (00:01.218)
Hello, hello, and welcome back to Mama Needs Me Time, a podcast by a mom for moms where we talk about all things related to mom. As always, I'm Molly. Thank you so much for joining me today. I want to tackle something that might be a bit of a touchy subject, but it's something that we all struggle with. Let's talk about rediscovering your ideal self after becoming a mom. We hear it over and over and over again.

When you become a mom, your life will change forever. Being a mother is life changing. hold on, big change is up ahead. We hear it, we roll our eyes, we go, yeah, yeah. But the truth is that this change often makes us lose sight of who we were before. Motherhood can shift us into what feels like a permanent survival mode. And while surviving is sometimes all that we can do, we deserve to have the capabilities to do much more.

In today's episode, we're gonna dig into what it means to thrive instead of just survive motherhood, what your ideal self looks like, and real ways to connect with that version of you. So let's dive in. Grab your coffee, tea, or whatever's gonna fill your cup, and let's take some time to focus on you.

So let's start by talking about the difference between surviving and thriving in motherhood. Survival mode, that's when you're doing what needs to get done to get through the day. I mean, think about it. Moms have endless to-do lists, perpetual tasks like dishes, laundry, we have school pickups, if a kid is homesick from school, mom's usually the one taking care of it. It's all just go, go, go, go. And at the end of the day, you're left feeling exhausted.

constantly on the edge of burnout. But then there's thriving. Thriving is when you wake up with energy. Yes, I know it doesn't make sense because most of us aren't there, but waking up with energy. It's when you feel joy, even in little things. When you're showing up as your true self. You're not just so-and-so's mom. You're yourself. Thriving is feeling like you're

Molly Ryden (02:13.624)
balanced, when you're grounded and actually happy. I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect to or that you should expect to thrive every single day. Life is going to throw things at us. Some days, survival mode is just how it has to be. But if we only live in survival, we lose out on so much of ourselves. I was recently reflecting on the first six months to a year.

of being a mom and I don't remember much of the good. I wish I had been keeping a journal. wish I had been, you I have pictures and I can go back and look at them, but I wish that I had a way to track all the good moments because I just remember so much of the failures I felt and the shortcomings I had in getting through that first year.

So today I want to invite you to ask yourself, am I surviving or am I thriving? And kind of reflect on those moments where you felt like you were thriving and let's see how we can shift and start making that balance more equal and give you more time to thrive. So I want to take a minute to dig into why we as moms often lose touch with our ideal selves. And it's

because it's natural for us to focus on our kids' needs because they depend on us. We are hormonally linked to these children, and somewhere in there, we stop focusing on our own needs. And then we start to lose sight of who we are outside of being a mom. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, one of my good friends said, well, if I'm not a mom, then I have nothing.

and her kids were a few years older than mine would be. And I remember thinking, that is so sad. You don't have anything outside of being a mom. I didn't say that to her. And I have caught myself a few times thinking, my God, what am I if I'm not a mom? And it really gives you a moment to think about...

Molly Ryden (04:34.88)
what can I do or what do I want to do? Because when you think about it, before you became a mom, you had passions, dreams, interests, and they were an identity that was uniquely yours. But in that hustle and grind of daily mom life, those parts of us get buried. We start to take on this belief that any time spent on ourselves is somehow selfish. And let's be honest, today's society and social media doesn't exactly help with that.

We're often shown and told that being a good mom means always putting our kids first and making sure everyone else's needs are met before ours. The reality is though that when we sacrifice our entire identity to motherhood, we end up feeling lost, confused and unfulfilled ourselves. So that first step of reconnecting to yourself is realizing that she's still there.

She's just kind of been hiding under a mountain of unfolded laundry, dirty dishes, and mom responsibilities, along with a heaping pile of mom guilt. That's why today we're giving ourselves permission to help a girl out, dig her out of that pile, and bring her back. Now, one of the things I want you to really realize as we talk about this is that she might not look the same. The girl who used to go out, sing karaoke, play hockey,

you know, go for long runs, go camping, do arts and crafts all the time, she may be a little different now. And so we have to reframe that idea of, want to get back to who I was. Instead of saying, I want to go back to who I was before I had kids, you need to think about, I want to grab that girl by the hand and take her with me to this new place and kind of find that middle road.

And that's the difficulty, right? Like finding that balance of what used to fill your cup and what will now and figuring it out. So how can we discover or rediscover who we are and what we need? So now that we understand a bit about why we lost ourselves, let's talk about the ways to reconnect who you truly are. I wanna share some techniques that...

Molly Ryden (07:00.254)
I have really found helpful both personally and through my community of clients that I've coached that can help you bring your ideal self back. You're going to say that this is just repetitive and that I've told you this before, but honestly, reflection and journaling. If you're an elder millennial like myself, Lord knows you have a collection of pens and notebooks. Setting aside some time, even if it's just 10 minutes or even if you're just typing on your phone.

Reflect on who you were before you became a mom. Grab a notebook and write down a few of these questions. I'll also drop them in the show notes so you can check. But here's a list of questions to ask yourself to really reflect on it. What were my interests and passions before motherhood?

What parts of myself have I or do I miss the most?

what activities make me feel the most like me.

Taking time to reflect on these helps bring out these qualities and bring back remembrance of who you were to the surface. You don't need to do anything big with this right away, but just starting to connect with the ideas of yourself really helps to reform that connection and figure out where you can fit it in in your current daily life. Again, these...

Molly Ryden (08:35.914)
are going to sound repetitive, but I promise you these are the steps that need to be taken to start rebuilding this path to reconnection. Number two is carve out time for yourself. I know what you're thinking, my God, get off this pulpit of me time and self care, and I refuse. I know this isn't easy, but finding just a little bit of time every day,

Even once a week is just going to be so huge for you. Maybe it's just 15 minutes in the morning before the house wakes up. I'm not a member of the 5 a.m. club. If that works for you, awesome. That's not my jam. I don't do it. I like to sleep. Or if it's an hour on Sunday, I am so thankful that my husband will take our kids to the park.

for a half hour, an hour, and sometimes I just sit on the couch to give myself time to recharge. But this is also time where you can fill it with something that makes you feel like you. Maybe it's reading a book. Sometimes I just blast my favorite musical soundtrack and scream sing throughout the house. It can be yoga or just having that warm cup of coffee we've talked about without being interrupted. It's going to make a difference.

This is going to be the biggest step is reconnecting with your passions in small ways. So we all have those things that we used to love but stopped doing because life gets in the way. For me, I loved going to and playing hockey and doing things outdoor is in the winter, but I don't do that anymore. And instead now I find other ways to connect with those things that made me happy. So think about something you used to enjoy.

drawing, baking, or even just listening to your favorite music and find a small way to bring that back. Maybe you can listen to your favorite song during your morning routine or in the school pickup line or bake something over the weekend. You'd be surprised at how these small activities are really gonna make you feel connected with your past self.

Molly Ryden (10:54.476)
Here's another one that I say all the time. Set boundaries on your time and your energy. Setting boundaries with family, work, and yes, even your kids is so important to protect yourself, your time, and your energy. I feel like boundaries sometimes get a bad rap that it's cutting people out, it's pushing people away, but they are healthy. And it's not a firm no at all points in time.

But when you carve out even a little bit of space that is just for yourself, it helps from being constantly feel the constant feeling of being overwhelmed and that you're only in mom mode. So I have my desk set in the corner of our family room and it literally is set up. So it's there's a boundary where my kids cannot get to me or get into my space as I'm recording this podcast right now. They know.

that they're not supposed to cross a line to get into my camera or to be making a lot of noise when they come upstairs. And it helps. It creates a space and a haven for me to kind of hide out. And I'm not gonna lie, it didn't start this way. Initially, my first boundary with both of my kids at an early age came when mom is in the bathroom. I know that that seems like common sense.

But when you are home alone with one, two or three, however many kids you have, oftentimes mom's boundary and mom's privacy are not respected. And I actually had to have a conversation with my husband and say, I need to be alone in the bathroom. They don't go in there with you. Why do they get to come in there with me?

And there was a bit of a gray area, right? Because when I was home alone with the kids, it was confusing to them when I would then say like, no, you can't come in the bathroom. And when you've got a small like a toddler or a younger baby, sometimes you bring them in there with you so you can keep an eye on them. But so I had to tell my husband when you are home, they do not get to follow me into the bathroom. You need to help me. And over time, we've built up that idea that if the door is closed and mom is in there, leave her alone. And so then I was able to transition that to

Molly Ryden (13:16.77)
Here's a clear signal telling you, you are not welcome in my space and it has worked. And I've had this conversation with some clients in the past and fellow moms and they're like, that just seems cold. Like if my kids want me, I want them to have access to me because at some point they won't. And sure, that is a true and valid feeling.

But at the same time, if you are constantly on the edge of burnout because you have yet to establish any boundaries or you say yes to everything, it's just going to continue to leave you fried and frayed. And no one wants to snuggle with that kind of monster. You need to have the ability to calm yourself down. And creating space and having boundaries allows you to do that. It's also going to create a space for you to reconnect with hobbies and passions that give you

enjoyment. Along those same lines, leaning on your community is a big one. You don't have to go about this rediscovery or this mission of motherhood by yourself. I understand that the idea of it takes a village is kind of antiquated, but finding a community, whether it's within friends, your support group, know, chatting with women you meet on social media, it makes such a huge difference.

I've mentioned it before, but last year I went to the Mom 2.0 conference and I connected with some incredible women. Women I'm still talking to on a regular basis today through podcast interviews I've done. I've connected with amazing women on social media and we're in a different time. You're not gonna walk across the street to your best friend's house or maybe you can. I don't know, that's not my reality. But being able to send a text message or to create a space where you feel safe makes such a difference.

Surrounding yourself with people who understand this journey is going to give you the support and encouragement and new ideas for rediscovering who you are. I frequently have conversations with my friends where it's like, need to do stuff other than meet for happy hour. We need to do stuff other than going out to eat. And we're pretty bad at it, if I'm honest, but there have been times where we've gone to do, you know, a paint with a pint or we've gone to the bookstore or we've gone.

Molly Ryden (15:35.99)
you know, to a kid activity like the aquarium or the zoo, but done it without the kids. And it's so enlightening and empowering to get to experience those things without feeling constantly needed. So finding people who will go and do things with you or who are also on this journey is going to make a big difference for you. So now that we've talked about the steps to get here,

It's important to work on letting go of the guilt of creating this space. Mom guilt is such a real thing and it's honestly a real problem. And the thing that you need to remind yourself of and think about constantly is that thriving as a mom does not mean you are neglecting your kids. In fact, taking care of yourself, you're actually showing them what it looks like to have a balanced life.

You're showing your sons to respect their wives and respect women and give them the space and like time to be creative and to find that center and calm. And you're teaching your daughters to ask for it. You're teaching them that self care isn't selfish and it's essential. You're finding, I definitely understand that it's kind of hard to shake off this guilt.

I absolutely get that. So this is why I implement a quick affirmation practice. It's that simple. You say words and you believe the words and you can move your brain into a space where you're like, yes, 100 percent. I have a daily gratitude practice that I do every morning. It's super helpful. I used to have notebooks that I wrote it in. Now I just do it in the notepad on my phone. Two or three affirmations that help.

If you're not, if it's a new practice for you, just start out simple. Tell yourself, I deserve to thrive. I deserve to be happy. My happiness is good for my family. Write it on a post-it, put it on the mirror, draw it on your hand, do whatever. I deserve to thrive. I deserve to be happy. My happiness is good for my family. These little mindset shifts are going to make a huge difference for you. And now that you know you're doing this for both you and your kids.

Molly Ryden (18:02.592)
you'll start to thrive. A fulfilled mom is a gift to literally everyone around her.

I know that this is a lot and I will always remind you to take what you want, leave what you don't, implement what you can and don't worry about it. Changing your mindset as a mom and moving into a place where you start to reconnect with who you want to be is a process, it's a practice. So if you're feeling inspired to reconnect with your ideal self, pop off queen.

Go, remember that girl is still in there and she's waiting for you to rediscover her. She may have changed. You may have different ideas and ideals now, and that's okay. You deserve to reconnect and figure out what it is to be who you want to be at this point. You need to do more than just survive and you absolutely deserve to thrive.

So if this resonated with you, drop a comment, subscribe, share the episode, do whatever you need to do because you don't need to be alone in this. Let's have an open discussion. It's time for you to take more time for yourself. You've earned it. Hang in there. We're all doing the best we can. If you need anything, please reach out and I'll see you next time.