Inconsistent love turns into codependency

Love shouldn't hurt—yet for those caught in codependent relationships, pain often masquerades as devotion. This illuminating episode examines codependency through a compassionate lens, revealing how inconsistent early love creates dependency patterns that follow us into adulthood.

Through two powerful stories, we witness different paths to codependency. Meet Stan, a 70-year-old with terminal illness who discovered his wife of 48 years was a vulnerable narcissist, and Tammy, whose body created a mysterious throat condition to prevent her from continuing her pattern of rescuing "lost puppies." Their journeys demonstrate how our subconscious mind and nervous system get wired to confuse chaos with chemistry.

We dive deep into the energetic puzzle that draws wounded hearts together. Why do loving people attract unloving relationships? The answer lies in understanding that at a soul level, we attract not just what we want, but what we're ready to heal. Codependents carry the unconscious belief that love must be earned through sacrifice and saving others, while narcissistic partners believe love must be controlled to feel safe—creating a trauma bond where one overgives and the other overtakes.

The turning point comes when you stop rescuing and start respecting your own needs. We explore ten traits of codependency—from chronic people-pleasing to poor boundaries—and guide you through seven transformative stages of healing, each with powerful mantras to support your journey.

This isn't about demonizing narcissists or idealizing empaths—it's about honoring your deeply loving nature while learning that your worth isn't something to be earned. As you move from shadow love to sovereign life, remember: codependency wasn't your failure. It was simply your origin story. Now, you're the author creating a new narrative of self-worth and authentic connection.

Visit undetectednarcissist.com to access our soul retrieval meditation "Calling Yourself Home," designed to release toxic ties and reclaim your light.

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Season 4
• 1:09 Codependency: A Compassionate Perspective
• 3:05 Stan's Story: Love and Terminal Illness
• 9:42 Tammy's Story: The Throat That Knew
• 15:35 Why Wounded Hearts Attract Each Other
• 24:12 The Turning Point in Healing
• 27:28 Ten Traits of Codependency
• 32:19 Seven Stages of Breaking Free
• 38:32 Final Thoughts and Guided Meditation

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to Season 4 of the Undetected Narcissist Podcast. Your host, angela Meyer, is here to bring you clarity if you are stuck in confusion, self-doubt or feel lost, without a sense of direction. This podcast is extremely different because Angela comes from a place of wisdom, compassion and has been able to forgive the unforgivable. She's a mental health professional, trauma-informed human consciousness guide and empowerment strategist. She knows one can't truly heal and recover when one is stuck in hate, anger and fear. One must rise above it, find meaning, understanding, compassion for oneself and the toxic people within our lives. This season is about self-empowerment, self-realizations and transformation. There is always a blog post supporting this information, so please visit undetectednarcissistcom so get ready to learn about yourself, others and find a way to truly live and thrive. Once again, enjoy the show.

Speaker 2: 1:09

Hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the Undetected Narcissist. Today I'm going to be talking about inconsistent love turns into codependency and I'm sure many of you have read articles or listened to people discuss the topic of codependency. But still, today I'm going to approach this topic from a compassionate lens and an open heart, to speak to those who are still confused, question themselves, feel shame about the thought of being codependent and want a different approach to healing themselves. Codependency at its core is a pattern of behavior rooted in survival, often formed in environments where love was conditional, inconsistent or withheld. It's not a flaw of character, it's an adaptation, a way to feel safe, needed and valued. But when someone is still in the dark, unaware of these patterns, their actions may reflect pain disguised as love, and this is key to understanding Pain disguised as love. This invisible pain is unconscious and unintentionally woven within us over time. Therefore, this unresolved and unprocessed pain gets wired into our subconscious mind and nervous system. As energetic beings having a human experience. The medicine we seek will feel like home. We seek will feel like home and the solution will come when we realize that these wired-in patterns is no longer making us feel good inside, but flawed and broken. I know this sounds deep, but I will unpack all this logic as a storyteller.

Speaker 2: 2:59

I will share two short stories that might resonate with some of you. The first one is about Stan. Stan is in his 70s and has maybe a year or two to live because he has a terminal illness. He still loves his wife of 48 years, but in the past two years he realized that she is a vulnerable narcissist. Like most people, we get mad, the anger boils to the surface and we can feel stupid because we were manipulated and controlled by someone who loved who we loved and believed loved us in the same way, but can't. When we have this realization, we can start to question ourselves, picking apart our flaws and imperfections, questioning what did I do wrong? Why do they treat me so poorly when I treat them the exact opposite? Or I have only one or two years left to live? Why? Why can't they have compassion towards me instead of anger? Because I have a terminal illness? And when Stan went down that rabbit hole he did, questioning what he did wrong, when the truth is he did nothing wrong but loved someone who could not love him back unconditionally.

Speaker 2: 4:17

Stan needed to realize that he just loved a wounded person who could not give him the love he deserved in return. You believe your love is enough and you give, give, give and they take, take, take, and that's important to comprehend. When he was on his deathbed in the hospital and got the unfortunate news that he was dying, his loving wife did not shift gears into let's make these last years the best of your life together, but yelled at him for inconveniencing her and forcing her to drop what she was doing and speak to the doctors. And yes, they did go to marriage counseling before Stan realized she was a narcissist. Still, when the counselor recognized who and what Stan's wife was, she stormed out of the counselor's office and refused to attend marriage counseling again. No fault to the counselor, but calling a narcissist or toxic person out on their own crap never ends well. That was their mistake. They did not approach it from a compassionate and open-hearted lens. Instead, it was a lens that made his wife feel deep shame, and nobody wants to feel shame.

Speaker 2: 5:38

One day, when I was working with Stan, he questioned whether he was codependent. At first I was a little confused because he did not meet the profile of the five core symptoms and signs of codependent behaviors, such as difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, difficulty setting functional boundaries, difficulty owning one's own reality and difficulty acknowledging and meeting our own needs and wants and being interdependent with others. So I read off the behaviors to Stan. Yes, I could see those traits within Stan, but he hit the turning point of transformation which I will dive into later. He was stuck in the mindset loop where he felt flawed, not good enough, and was still questioning what he did wrong. When we are stuck in this negative mindset loop, it is a form of self-punishment set loop. It is a form of self-punishment as if we become the authoritarian parent towards our inner wounded child who only wants to be heard, seen, understood and loved. Therefore, he could not see or comprehend how much he had changed and grown as a person. He was stuck on the negative aspect of self instead of cheering himself on with all his accomplishments.

Speaker 2: 7:10

The medicine for Stan was to practice daily self awareness and gratitude. So I said to Stan Stan, you are no longer codependent. You reach the turning point of enough is enough. This is good news. You left your wife and requested a separation. Then you moved out, got your own place and are rebuilding your life without her. It's been five months. You do not show any signs of low self-esteem, and leaving her was a big boundary step for you. In fact, you chose to stop living with her instead of sleeping in separate bedrooms. You tried that and it was a living hell, you know, for both of you. So you left. You set limits on the text messages and at times you don't even respond to her text messages because she's playing the vulnerable victim and trying to turn your children against you. You are not in the dark anymore about your own reality. Everything is crystal clear now. What hurts you the most is that you are lonely, not codependent. You don't want to die alone Nobody does and being lonely is normal for anyone who has spent 48 years with a person. Give yourself some grace and compassion, stan.

Speaker 2: 8:37

This is when I could tell Stan felt some relief. What Stan really needed in his life is a friend, because in some way, his wife was his friend for 48 years. Therefore, he feels alone, confused and has so many questions. I suggested finding healthy outlets such as attending a codependency group meeting or joining a walking or hiking club, because this guy walks three to five miles a day. I wanted him to realize that it is never too late to make new friendships. So, for Stan, what he needed to do for himself moving forward was to change his point of focus, to remind himself daily of all the amazing things he is doing for himself. To enjoy the last few years of his life practice, recognizing his accomplishments with genuine gratitude. To silence a negative critic within his head. To celebrate his freedom and check a few boxes off his bucket list. And, lastly, to make new friendships, show himself some grace and heal his inner wounds.

Speaker 2: 9:53

Now here's the next story. Is there something wrong with my throat? So, as I've said earlier, codependency at its core is a pattern of behavior rooted in survival, often formed in environments where love was conditional, inconsistent or withheld. But this is not always the case, as you will soon learn. Therefore, this story I'm about to tell is different. The codependent traits and behaviors were modeled to her at such a young age by her mother. So, unconsciously and unintentionally, she picked up them because, when she formed her first romantic relationship, taking care of a wounded person, feeling needed, seen and understood, fed her fragile ego and her ego said give me more of this please. And it became a habit pattern of choice and pleasure. Additionally, this story still fascinates me because the human body is truly amazing. It can create a healthy condition that forces you like a health condition. It can force you to stop repeating the dysfunctional pattern of self-abuse and self-sabotage.

Speaker 2: 11:15

As you will learn within this story about Tammy, tammy developed a strange scratch in her throat. It persisted for eight months. She was always having to clear her throat and nothing would help. She went to doctors and did all the tests. Nothing was wrong with her. The doctor said it was psychological. So she went to see a therapist. The therapist agreed it was psychological, but she still had the scratch in her throat. That got worse, especially when she was around men. So the therapist recommended she see me.

Speaker 2: 11:53

As I listened to her pain story, I quickly realized that she was very creative and successful at her job but was codependent. So I dialed it back and asked her when these codependent behaviors first surfaced. It was when she was in high school with her first boyfriend who cheated on her a few times. He came from a broken home and she was his savior and she was his savior. But, as we all know, we can't fix them. They have to fix themselves.

Speaker 2: 12:29

All the men she dated and married were lost puppies. Some were alcoholics, cheaters, liars. It could not hold down a job and she became their sugar mommy and this gave her a sense of meaning and purpose in life to be needed. When she had enough, she dumped them and moved on to the next lost puppy. Now this gets interesting. The last man she was with shattered her into pieces because he dumped her. This had never happened before. She was the one who always ended it. So the night before he ghosted her and moved out, he declared he loved her, wanted to get married, would stop drinking and promised to change. Then, when she went to work, he packed up all his stuff and left. He just left her a note and said it was over. They were not right for each other. Period, devastating right.

Speaker 2: 13:33

So I pulled out my book the Secret Language of your Body and went to the section for the throat. When I read the possible contributing factors, it blew her mind. She said that's me in a nutshell, and this is what it says. When I read the possible contributing factors, it blew her mind. She said that's me in a nutshell, and this is what it says Difficulty, communicating, low self-esteem, self-doubt, self-sabotage, feeling shut down, misunderstood, held back, fearful, frustrated, stuck, unworthy of good things, in conflict with self and continually changing your mind, difficulty trusting, feeling depressed, sad, hopeless, uncreative and uninspired, thinking that you lack choice. I looked at her and said you should thank, thank your throat because it prevented you from bringing home another lost puppy. She laughed and replied. My therapist said the same thing.

Speaker 2: 14:33

So, to cut a long story short, I underwent parts therapy with her. I went back in time to when she was that 14 year old girl in high school and had a talk. I healed that part and invited any fragmented parts that were listening in the background to join the leading personality, either now or in the future. All parts were welcome. Then I future paced her to show all those parts what is possible in this new reality. After the session, her voice was fine. We talked for about 20 minutes and she did not clear her throat once. I pointed out this fact and she was shocked. When I walked her to the car, her voice was still clear. This one session changed her life and changed her future.

Speaker 2: 15:26

Codependency and narcissism, slash toxic partners are questions many awakening hearts are seeking answers to. Why do the most loving people attract the most unloving relationships, most unloving relationships? So today let's open this with compassion. Not blame, not shame, just truth wrapped in grace with questions and answers. Why do codependent people attract toxic or narcissistic partners? It's an energetic puzzle. Wounded seeks its mirror and medicine At a soul level. We attract what we want, but what we are ready to heal. I know this is not what you want to hear, because we can become so attached to the human experience and overlook why our soul is here on earth.

Speaker 2: 16:29

Therefore, a codependent often carries the unconscious belief that love must be earned through sacrifice, silence and saving. This was their truth growing up, because love was not unconditional. They had to prove their worth to be loved. Now a narcissistic often carries the opposite wound. Love must be controlled, possessed or manipulated to feel safe Together. This forms a trauma bond, not because either person is evil, but because their inner child are locked in old survival patterns One overgives, the other overtakes. Both are trying to feel enough. This isn't love, it's an echo.

Speaker 2: 17:23

Codependency and narcissism are two prevalent and intertwined psychological traits that often form unhealthy relationships between partners. Codependent individuals are usually overly dependent on others for their emotional and psychological needs. They frequently attempt to manage and control their partner's emotional needs. Narcissistic individuals, on the other hand, are people who have grandiose sense of self-importance and an inability to recognize the feelings of others. They often exploit others for their own gain and are typically characterized by a lack of empathy. As seen in the story of Stan, his wife could not show him empathy. One of the reasons why these two traits attract each other is that they often create a sense of imbalance and compensation in the relationships. Imbalance and compensation in the relationships.

Speaker 2: 18:34

Codependent individuals usually seek out relationships with narcissistic individuals as a way to validate their own sense of self-worth and to compensate for their own feelings of inadequacy. In return, narcissistic individuals often attract codependent partners because they are drawn to their emotional intensity and willingness to sacrifice their own needs for the benefit of the other person. However, this relationship dynamic can be toxic and damaging for both parties. Toxic and damaging for both parties. Codependent individuals can become so consumed by their partner's needs that they lose sight of their own desires and interests. Meanwhile, narcissistic individuals can exploit their partner's needs for validation and use them for their own personal gain. In addition, both codependent and narcissistic individuals often struggle with communication and boundaries in their relationship. Codependent individuals often struggle with setting healthy boundaries with their partner, while narcissistic individuals often struggle with empathy and understanding of feelings of others.

Speaker 2: 19:53

It's worthy to note that these traits can be complex and difficult to distinguish from other personality traits, and they may not always be present in every individual. However, understanding the dynamic between codependency and narcissism can help individuals recognize when they are in an unhealthy relationship and take steps to create change tendencies. It's crucial to approach them with compassion and understanding. By recognizing the underlying causes of these behaviors and offering support and guidance can help individuals break free from these patterns and develop healthier and more balanced relationships. Ultimately, this requires a willingness to confront our own emotional pain and insecurities and to develop greater empathy and understanding for ourselves and others. It's essential to approach sensitive topics like codependency and narcissism with compassion and understanding rather than judgment. So if this information sounds like someone you know, be gentle when sharing it with them, because nobody likes to feel shame.

Speaker 2: 21:20

Next question why do I keep attracting the wrong partner? Answer the illusion of safety in the familiar. Many codependents grew up in a household where love came with conditions. Here are some examples that you may have heard from your parents when you were growing up Be good and you'll be loved. Don't upset everyone. Your feelings make things worse.

Speaker 2: 21:55

So when they meet someone emotionally unavailable, controlling or unpredictable, something strange happens. It feels familiar. I know this. Truth sucks. The nervous system confuses chaos with chemistry. Truth sucks the nervous system confuses chaos with chemistry. This is how we're conditioned and programmed, based upon living in an unstable or inconsistently unpredictable home environment. Our nervous system had to adapt and adjust to the constant chaos to survive. We are wired to survive. So there is nothing wrong with you. It was just what happened to you at such a young age. It was unconscious and unconditional, an unintentional way that your parents on their part and, let's face it, most people did not grow up in a home with unconditional love. There was always rules and conditions around how much love you would receive. So you learn to adapt. Therefore, the toxic partner may trigger old wounds, but to the subconscious that feels like home. But I have learned that's not weakness, it's a nervous system doing what it was trained to do.

Speaker 2: 23:17

Next question why do I keep attracting people who are broken from past painful relationships and why do I always want to be the one who can fix or change that? Answer Unhealed empaths feel responsible for others' pain. Codependents often have enormous emotional radar. They feel the pain of the narcissistic or toxic person. They see the inner child beneath the control or cruelty and their heart whispers. If I just love them enough, they'll heal, they'll change. But here's the sacred truth your love can't rewrite someone else's soul contract. Healing is always an inside job.

Speaker 2: 24:12

Next question why do I feel like such a failure when it comes to love? Answer the unconscious belief I don't deserve more. Deep down, the codependent may still carry shame, such as the belief maybe I'm not worthy of healthy love, maybe this is all I get. If I leave, who will I be? So they stay, not out of love but out of fear, and that fear becomes the invisible tether. If you recall the episode about the men who were taught not to feel, this fear is your teacher. The fear is trying to teach you that you are worthy of healthy, loving relationships. You do deserve more and you do have the strength to leave an abusive partner situation, friendship, job or home environment.

Speaker 2: 25:13

Question what is the right turning point for me, because I want to change and be happy, but I feel lost and confused. Answer the turning point happens when you begin to see something magical happen within yourself. You stop rescuing and start respecting your own needs. There comes a point when you stop chasing and start choosing. This means you begin to be self-aware of the patterns of behavior within yourself and you have the power to stop them. And you stop confusing pain with passion.

Speaker 2: 25:51

And what happens next in the turning point dance? The narcissists, those who seek control, lose interest in those who can't be controlled, while the empath, those who used to self-sacrifice, begin to radiate a love that says I no longer abandon myself to keep someone else comfortable. Yes, the narcissist or toxic person might try to hoover you back in and begin to love, bomb you again, but now your eyes are open and no longer shut. You realize you can't keep doing this to yourself, because it's a constant dance loop of pleasure and pain. To end your pain and suffering, you must take a leap of faith. And I want to make this one thing clear this isn't about demonizing narcissists or idealizing empaths. It's about honoring the dance and choosing to step off the stage when the music no longer serves your soul. You don't need to fix anyone to be lovable. In fact, you don't need to carry anyone to prove your worth. You are allowed to walk away and still be a light, and you are allowed finally to be loved in return.

Speaker 2: 27:18

Here are compassionate yet clear breakdown of the codependent traits and behaviors, especially when someone is still unconscious of them. Someone is still unconscious of them. So traits of codependency, the in the dark phase. One chronic people pleasing you put others needs above your own. Constantly saying yes Feel safer than the guilt or anxiety of saying no.

Speaker 2: 27:46

Two emotional suppression. You minimize or deny your feelings to avoid conflict or rejection. Vulnerability feels unsafe, so you bottle things up and sometimes until they explode. Three caretaking over drive. You confuse love with responsibility. If I don't fix them, they'll fall apart. There's this unconscious belief If I can just heal them, they'll love me back.

Speaker 2: 28:28

Four poor boundaries. You may not know where you end and the other begins. You say yes when you want to say no and you feel guilty when you have to say no. Five fear of abandonment. There is a deep fear of being alone or rejected, which leads to clinging or even unhealthy relationships. You may stay in a toxic dynamic to avoid the terror of being unwanted.

Speaker 2: 28:50

Number six identify enmeshment. Your sense of self is wrapped around who you are for others, not who you are within. You can lose yourself in roles of the caregiver, fixer, martyr, even hero. 7. Control through helping, helping others becomes a form of control. If others are okay, then they can feel okay. It's not malicious, it's survival, but it's still a way of avoiding your own inner chaos.

Speaker 2: 29:28

Eight low self-worth. Deep down, you may feel unlovable or not good enough. You overcompensate through perfectionism, service or emotional labor. Nine addictive dynamics you may be addicted to emotional highs and lows in relationships. Chaos feels familiar, even if it hurts. It mirrors your early environmental blueprint.

Speaker 2: 29:57

And the last one, 10, unconscious martyrism. You suffer silently, believing your suffering is proof of your love. Yet resentment builds, but you may not voice it. It leaks out in passive aggressiveness, behaviors or even exhaustion. The path of compassion. Understanding these traits isn't about judgment. It's about shining a gentle light into the places that have lived too long in shadow.

Speaker 2: 30:34

Someone in codependency isn't broken. Someone in codependency isn't broken. They're deeply loving souls. Who's forgotten? They deserve to be loved without earning it. Let me repeat this truth If you are codependent, you are a deeply caring and loving soul and deserve to be loved without having to earn it. When we begin to understand that codependency is simply love that's been bent by fear, we can help reshape it back into its original form free, whole and radiant. So buckle up, beloved trailblazer, because you're about to turn pain into alchemy and dependency into divine wholeness.

Speaker 2: 31:23

The healing begins when you realize your worth is inherent. Learn that boundaries are acts of self-respect, not rejection. Discover that love doesn't have to come with conditions saving or sacrifice. From shadow love to sovereign life. Remembrance. Once love meant survival. You learned to read rooms before you read your own heart. You became the peacekeeper, the healer, the giver, but at what cost? Now the tides turn. This is the path home, not the who you were told to be, but the who you already are beneath the aches. So here's the journey into the seven stages of healing and breaking the cycle of codependency.

Speaker 2: 32:19

Stages of healing and breaking the cycle of codependency. Stage one recognition, the awakening whisper. You begin to notice you're exhausted from being everything for everyone. You ache for people to reciprocate, but fear to ask for it. Your soul starts to whisper to ask for it. Your soul starts to whisper. This isn't love, this is performance. So here's a healthy mantra I no longer abandon myself to be loved by others.

Speaker 2: 32:47

Stage two the unraveling sacred rage plus grief. The mask starts slipping. You begin to notice that old roles feel heavy. Anger bubbles up, not at others, but at the loss of yourself. Grief pours in like a floodgate and it's opening. Don't fight it or stuff it down. Just let it be. This is holy water. So here's the healthy mantra for that stage. I allow my emotions to wash away what was never truly mine.

Speaker 2: 33:29

Stage three is about boundaries as blessings. You learned that no is a complete sentence. That's right. No is a complete sentence. Silence can be sacred. Saying yes to yourself may disappoint others, and that's okay. Boundaries stop being walls. They become doors to your inner temple. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and open communication. Set clear boundaries with your partner and communicate them assertively but respectfully. This can help prevent feelings of resentment and burnout. A healthy mantra my energy is sacred. I choose where it flows.

Speaker 2: 34:19

Stage four reclaiming the self. You remember that you are lovable even when you're not giving. Your worth isn't earned, it's inherited. You get to exist for yourself, not just as a reflection of others. This is when the mirror becomes a window and you see your true reflection, radiant, whole, untamed. Taking care of your physical, emotional and mental health is essential for building healthy relationships. So practice self-care by engaging in activities that nourish your mind, body and spirit, such as exercise, meditation and spending time in nature. Here's a healthy mantra I am not too much. I am just enough for me.

Speaker 2: 35:16

Stage 5. Sovereign Love. You enter relationships differently this time. I am just enough for me. Stage five sovereign love. You enter relationships differently this time. No more fixing, you witness. No more shrinking. You expand. No more clinging. You connect without fear of loss. Love becomes a dance, not a cage. You stop needing, you start choosing.

Speaker 2: 35:44

Mindfulness and emotional regulation are key components of healthy relationships. Practice mindfulness by being present in the moment and work on regulating your emotions by developing a greater sense of self-awareness. Here's a healthy mantra I love freely without losing myself. Stage six Seek out supportive relationship with positive people. Surrounding yourself with positive people who support and uplift you is essential for building healthy relationships. Seek out friends, family members or a therapist who can provide a supportive and non-judgmental environment. Here's a healthy mantra for that. I surround myself with supportive and uplifting people.

Speaker 2: 36:36

Stage 7. Learn to let go of toxic dynamics and move on. It's essential to learn how to let go of toxic dynamics and move on from unhealthy relationships. This can be a complex process, but it is necessary for building healthy relationships and attracting positive people into your life. Breaking free from codependency requires a willingness to confront your own emotional baggage and develop a greater sense of self-awareness. So here's a healing mantra it is safe for me to explore my past and to let my pain story go. Some final thoughts Prioritizing self care and self love, setting clear boundaries, practicing mindfulness and emotional regulation, seeking out supportive relationships and learning to let go of toxic dynamics can create healthy relationships and attract positive people into your life.

Speaker 2: 37:40

Remember that healing from codependency is a journey that takes time, patience and self-compassion. Be gentle with yourself and don't be afraid or hesitate to seek help when you need it. Seek help when you need it. Codependency was never your failure. It was your origin story. It's just a story, but now you're the author, the alchemist, the divine, messiah of your own heart. Welcome home, love. Since this season is about shining my light on various topics to bring about clarity and healing, I have created a guided meditation calling yourself home, a soul retrieval meditation for impasse healers and the tender-hearted. It is designed to release toxic ties, reclaim your light and return to the truth of who you are. So until next time, and love and light. Angela Meyer, keri Logan Bye.