Dontbeacrumqueen

I started this podcast as the result of my own experience in a narcissistic abusive marriage, which I eventually left. My hope is that as you listen, you will gain a better understanding of what narcissistic abuse is and how to be an Overcomer, not just a survivor. It is my heart’s desire for every woman to know how valuable you are and how much you contribute to the goodness in this world. Don't ever accept crumbs. Live the Life you Deserve. Disclaimer: I am NOT a professional counselor and I do not have a degree in this area. I am simply someone who was able to find true hope after narcissistic abuse and wanted to share what has helped me personally.

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Dontbeacrumqueen

The "I Love You" Trap

April 13, 2025 • Sher

Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.

Today I wanted to talk about something that applies to not only those of us who are single but also to those of us who are in relationships, whether it be engaged, married or a romantic long-term commitment.

Hey Everyone, welcome to the Dontbeacrumqueen podcast.

Have you ever noticed the emphasis in today’s world that is placed on being Loved? If you are lucky enough to say that you have it, it’s like a right of passage or something. Love can look very different for each of us depending on our past experiences (including our childhood) and by the way it does NOT complete us.

I’m sure most of you have experienced someone in your life who said they loved you but their actions did not match their words. This can create a “tainted” representation of what healthy Love looks like. By exploring what Love means to us, we will be able to heal our own heart first before we share it with another.

Let me give you a few examples of what a healthy, reciprocal Love between two people looks like (this is not a comprehensive list):

Trust – If you can’t trust someone with your vulnerability, (meaning they won’t use it against you in an argument down the road) it will leave you feeling unsafe and questioning as to whether or not they have your back in the relationship.
Communication – Strong, healthy, mature communication is the lifeline to a relationship. There is no room here for manipulative or passive-aggressive behavior. It’s not all about you and what you want. Honesty, spoken in Love, to challenge growth in one another is worth learning.
Empathy (with healthy boundaries) – This is a big one and something that is crucial in relationships but must it also be kept in balance. Being able to understand your partner’s perspective, even if you disagree, shows respect and allows for individuality. If you are a strong Empath, make sure you have healthy boundaries in place within your relationships. Being empathetic does not mean fixing someone else or keeping the Peace to your own detriment.
Flexibility – This one probably isn’t a surprise but again it’s imperative for there to be balance. Each person has to be willing to make adjustments for the changes in the relationship as it grows. If only one person is doing all the work or compromising all the time, over time bitterness and toxicity will set in which is never good for a relationship.

In my opinion, at the very least, Love is about commitment. Loyalty to the relationship and to the other person. It means “I see you”, not just on the outside but on the inside too. I see your heart, your struggles and your desire for growth. It’s a vow of acceptance of who they are without judgment or condemnation (however, that does not mean it’s OK to ever accept abusive behavior). While we can influence others, we don’t ever have the power to change someone. That belongs to them and them alone. If you have an overwhelming desire to change them, well, that tells you something then doesn’t it?

I would encourage you to get grounded in what Love means to you so you don’t get swept up in Love Bombing or find yourself settling for someone, in the name of love, who just isn’t right for you.

Remember, used by a manipulative or toxic person, the words “I love you” can cause confusion because they are creating an illusion of love. On the other hand, when spoken by someone in a mature, healthy manner, the authenticity of those three words offers clarity and safety.

Guard your heart and your energy. Not everyone deserves access just because they said three little words.