Hello and welcome to Rad Mom Radio!
This week my guest is Heidi Fiedler. Heidi is a writer, editor, and creative coach who helps mothers find ease and joy through small, creative moments. She's currently working on her own book about making space for creativity in motherhood.
PDF/newsletter sign up: https://mailchi.mp/helloheidifiedler.com/7-days-of-inspiration
Mothers Who Make: https://heidifiedler.substack.com/
Hello and welcome to Rad Mom Radio!
This week my guest is Heidi Fiedler. Heidi is a writer, editor, and creative coach who helps mothers find ease and joy through small, creative moments. She's currently working on her own book about making space for creativity in motherhood.
PDF/newsletter sign up: https://mailchi.mp/helloheidifiedler.com/7-days-of-inspiration
Mothers Who Make: https://heidifiedler.substack.com/
Hello and welcome to Rad Mom Radio, a podcast dedicated to moms and all their favorite topics. My name's Natalie and I'm your host. Hello and welcome back to RadMomRadio. Thank you for joining me this week for another episode. It is officially September, so it's almost fall. This is Riley's birthday month, which was funny because on September 1st, I told him, this is your birthday month, and he said, it's mine. Birthday month like it was a really unusual thing. It was a really foreign concept to him So this is the month that we kind of start to think about how to celebrate him and it's interesting how that changes every year He actually just told me today that he wants an electric guitar. I think it's funny like being a parent You know, you actually consider getting your kids things like that like getting an eight year old an electric guitar Like it's somewhere in my brain. I know that that's Kind of ridiculous, but I still want to get it for him and I might who knows We'll see you could get a kid's electric guitar. It's not super expensive, but would he use it? I don't know. Would it be allowed? Absolutely. So I don't know, we'll see. But this week I have a really good episode to share with you. My guest is Heidi Fiedler. And Heidi is an author. And Heidi is kind of like a creativity coach. So she really enjoys helping moms. find time in their lives for creativity and helping them to find little things that they can do in their lives that are creative, that they really enjoy just because as moms, you know, we do focus so much on our children and on everything that has to do with our kids. And it really can be so good for your mental health to find time to do things that help you express your creativity. So she spends a lot of time doing that and she's very passionate about that. Heidi also has an autistic child so we talked a lot about that. The struggles in getting a diagnosis and getting services. And how different, you know, autistic people are, like every autistic person is a unique individual and how do you as a parent honor who your child is? And so we talked a lot about that, about celebrating your children, accepting them for who they are. And we also talked a lot about creativity. What does it mean to be creative? What are some of the hang ups that people come across when they want to be creative? You know, finding time for creativity. And then. Something that happens, it's interesting, I don't know if this happens in other countries, but definitely in America it seems like we're always trying to figure out how to monetize everything. You know, everything has to produce something instead of just doing something because It helps you express yourself, or it's just good for your soul, or your mind, or your heart. So, it was really fun to talk to Heidi. She's such a lovely, sweet lady, and I really enjoyed my time with her. You can learn more about Heidi by going to her website. It's HelloHeidiFiedler. com and her last name is spelled F I E D L E R. You can also find her on Instagram. And Substack, which we talked about. But I still haven't checked it out, so I don't really know how all of that works, but yeah definitely check her out. She has a really cool website, lots of resources. One that we talked about is a free guide, it's called 7 Days of Inspiration, you can find that on her website. But yeah, I really enjoyed this conversation with Heidi. And I hope that you do too. This is my interview with Heidi Fiedler. Hi, Heidi. Welcome to rad mom radio. Thanks, Natalie. It's so good to be here. Yeah. Thank you for joining me today. I didn't get a chance to ask you this where, like what part of the world
Heidi:are you in? I'm outside of Boston. We're about an hour West of Boston in Massachusetts.
Natalie:Cool. Okay. So what are your guys summers like? Because we're like officially in summer
Heidi:right now. We are officially in summer, and this is my first summer with a school aged child, which made it feel a little more like, definitive, like there's a clear beginning, a clear end to summer. And for us, our son is going to be home with us. It's all summer and he will go to summer school, I think like five weeks in the middle of summer. It's a very like specific chunk of time. It's maybe like three hours a day, three days a week for five weeks. So we also have a nanny coming in the afternoons and besides that we, we just decided no travel, no, like we couldn't really make any camps work or anything like that. So. It feels very, it still feels kind of choppy to me, but we're just trying to settle in, find our flow. Yeah.
Natalie:You guys have one son, and he's six years old. Do you guys have other kids?
Heidi:No, he's our only child. Okay. And we adopted him after a really long time of trying to, adopt. We originally lived in California and started the process there and then we had to stop when we moved to Massachusetts and start again. And it's just a long process for everyone. So yeah, he's our only child and he is six and he really had a great school year. But kindergarten was like a huge, huge change for him. And so we've all been kind of trying to catch our breath a little bit.
Natalie:Yeah, definitely. Yeah. It's a huge like adjustment, all the transitions.
Heidi:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Our son he's autistic and he started on He started with the six hour a day schedule, and we ended up shifting to the three hour a day schedule after a couple months, and then we would do like, OT and speech and stuff in the afternoon, and it still felt like a lot. It never felt like he was like, relaxed, and like, everything was like, manageable, but he's gonna do the six hour schedule next year, and I'm... We've been building up and hopefully he will have the stamina for it.
Natalie:Yeah. Yeah. How old was he when you guys adopted him?
Heidi:He was a baby. He was just a couple days old. Oh, wow. That's
Natalie:cool. So... We'll get into like all of your, you know, like talking about being a mom and your career and everything But before that I'm a big fan of icebreaker questions just because I like to know random things about people I do try to pick ones that kind of make sense for the person so because you work in you know, writing and publishing and you're an author, your questions are book related. So my first one was like, what is your favorite book from your childhood? Because I know like there are certain books that are just like stamps on our childhood that we remember the cover, we remember the story. So what's that one
Heidi:for you? Yeah, I that's such a great question because I think there's different books like at different stages for me but one that like I had kind of forgotten and then came back to when I was like I probably was looking for something for my son, but I feel like I I stumbled on my old copy of Blueberries for Sal, which is this book that takes place in Maine. And I think it was, I don't think it was a new book when I read it, but it has like a very vintage feel to it. And there's just something about like, when I open those pages again, I'm like, I have like a feeling of being four years old. And like, I should get that book out again now. Cause my son is a loose tooth. I just remember like, but it. It has a girl whose tooth is loose and she's like on this little dingy boat with her dad and they're like, I think they're searching for clams or mussels or something, but it feels like very lived in. I must have read that book so many times and been like, I don't know anything about this world and it's so interesting to me. Yeah,
Natalie:I think, you know how like, as adults we have like comfort shows and comfort movies, I think kids probably are the same way with books, like they have like books that they just, that we just don't expect, there's little things there that, you know, that bring comfort and all that stuff.
Heidi:For sure. Yeah.
Natalie:Yeah. And then my other question was, because there's There's different people, right? Like there's people who, as far as readers go, you know people who keep every book They have a million books on their bookshelf and then there are people like they read the book and then they like give it away They don't want to keep it So this could be an easy question or a hard one But if you could only keep three books on your bookshelf, like only three books that you could keep with you forever What would they be and why?
Heidi:Oh, that's a really, yeah, that is a hard one. The first book that came to mind is This Proud Heart, which is a maybe like 19, 1920s book? I'm not sure. Maybe a little, a little less, I mean 1940s. But it, it's a book that my grandmother read, my mom read, and I read. And we all read it many times. And that book feels just like a thing that needs to be a part of our family. And. Like, I mean, most of the books that are on my shelf now are children's books, because that's what I do for work, and it's, like, there's a good excuse for keeping those. But I think some of the books, like, if I had to choose three, it would be, like, books that I grew up reading and felt really, like formative. Maybe, like, The Witches by Roald Dahl. I really like that book. And there's another book Now I'm blanking on the, the author's name, but it's a, it's a journal that this woman wrote. And it's just like her kind of, it's nonfiction. It's her personal experience trying to notice what makes her happy and then do more of what makes her happy. And that's an older book too that it was just like one of the first books that I had read that kind of had that perspective. Right. Really like. Spent a lot of time thinking about it, you know? Yeah, yeah. I
Natalie:hadn't thought about picking ones that were formative, but that makes a lot of sense. Kind of like books that are attached to some kind of growth, or like, new understanding.
Heidi:Yeah. Yeah, my husband has a giant, like, edition of Susan Cooper's books, the little middle grade novels, and he read those when he was, like, ten, and he just re reads those whenever he... Whenever he's in doubt, he is like, reading those again, and it's a total comfort read, and just very formative, but also like, I know exactly what I'm gonna get when I open this book.
Natalie:There's something about knowing what to expect that's nice, for sure. So, tell us about you, like, I'm really interested in hearing about what you do for work, and your family, and all that stuff.
Heidi:Yeah so I'm a writer and an editor and I tend to focus on children's books. I specialize in picture books and chapter books and non fiction for kids, and then I'm also working on my own book about creativity and motherhood which is my first book that I've written for grown ups. I haven't figured out a better way to say that yet, but it's for grown ups, and I usually have about, like, maybe two hours a day to work if things are going according to plan. And I've, I worked in house for a long time at several different publishers, and then I went freelance when we moved out to Massachusetts maybe eight years ago. So, that was like a really big shift for me, and... I wasn't sure how much work I could do once we had kids and that has kind of evolved as we've seen, like, what our son needs and what we can handle as people. You have to keep sustaining and going through things and, you know, of course the pandemic was like its own stress test on all of that. Yeah.
Natalie:What, like, how did you get into writing?
Heidi:I was probably one of those people that like people always saying, Oh, you should do this or you should think about doing this. And I kind of was like not keen on the idea of working in publishing because I felt like. I already love books. Like, why would I want to ruin that? Or like, maybe that would kind of make them not fun to me. Which I don't think was the worst instinct in the world, but also like, I am drawn to this and I love book people. I like talking about books with other book people. And I like the process of creating something collaboratively. And I really like the developmental stage. So like coming up with the idea and brainstorming and. Bringing something out of nothing into being is really interesting to me. What are you reading right
Natalie:now?
Heidi:I just finished Unicorn Space by Eve Rodsky, which is about like creating space for creativity in your life. And then I'm reading another book, actually I have my pile right here Drawing, Drawing Your Own Path, which is like for visual artists like sketching and different techniques, but it's written by a a meditation teacher. So it has a very specific angle to it. Those are both work related. I, I'm like, I do a lot of reading for work and then I try to have like a clear not work book too but I haven't started a new not work book yet.
Natalie:Yeah I didn't think about that. Does your reading for work cause you to have like burnout on reading for fun?
Heidi:Not burnout like I always want to read more but there's just a limit to how much you know quiet time I can craft out of any day so it's I just I'm always like choosing between do I want to be. Reading something that, you know, would be productive or inspiring or helpful. Or do I want to read something that's like really truly feels like an escape and, you know, I don't have to think about work.
Natalie:I have noticed like talking about books and recommending books has become like it's a little I guess like this little subsection or like this little pocket on social media where people talk about, you know, books. Do you follow any of that?
Heidi:Totally, yeah. I'm on Instagram and Substack and there's a lot of, there's Bookstagram which is like the book side of Instagram and then Substack is basically like a bunch of writers talking to other writers right now. There's, there's probably some non writers there but it's a lot of writers. And I used to like Back in the day like maybe 20 years ago work in a bookstore, and you know that was our job was like sharing your recommendations and being Excited about a book and like getting someone else to read it And it's funny to be kind of on the other side of it now because I I can't keep up with all the books that are out there by any means so I like hearing those recommendations and always my To be read pile is bigger than the time available. Yeah,
Natalie:there's this. I've never experienced this before, but like, you know, the, the term FOMO, like fear of missing out, but having like book FOMO for this book called the fourth wing that everyone's talking about, I guess it's some kind of like fantasy book, which is funny because I don't even read fantasy, but people are talking about it so much.
Heidi:I think I might know what you're talking about because when they talk about it, they're like, you must. Yeah.
Natalie:Well, you can't even get it right now. Like it's in my cart on Amazon and it's like, One to two months of a wait, so it's so popular that it's like You probably have to like get someone to lend you their copy, but I've never had like that kind of feeling before like I just want to read this book so bad because everyone's talking about it, you know what I mean? So that's like a book that I'm really wanting to read right now just because like, I feel like I'm missing out on something. Everyone's talking about how great it is and it's like, okay, well, you know. Now I want to read it,
Heidi:but it's nice to know what everyone is talking about. I don't think it even exists now. E. W. Entertainment Weekly, I think, went under, but for a long time I subscribed to Entertainment Weekly just because I kind of like knowing what everyone else is talking about and like being able to connect about those things. Yeah, yeah.
Natalie:But yeah, it's, it's kind of fun to see like people so into reading. For
Heidi:sure. Yes. Yeah, there's lots, there's always talk about is publishing dead or are print books dead? Or, you know, people don't read books the way they used to or whatever. But there is a vibrant reading community out there and I, I've never had enough time to read and I think most of the people in those communities feel like they don't have enough time to read either. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Natalie:All the things you'd want to read, for sure. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So kind of like switching over into like the, the mom part of your life. So you adopted your son when he was a baby and he is diagnosed with autism?
Heidi:Yeah, he was diagnosed when he was four, I think. And that was like a, a telehealth diagnosis because that was during the pandemic. And that was, I guess, two years ago. So we've had a little time to learn about it and kind of find some support. It feels like, at least for us, when we were getting the diagnosis, like they, they give you like a packet and then sort of just send you on your way. And the packet was. really outdated. It just felt like what they were telling us to do was like not only onerous for us, like it sounded overwhelming, but it was not going to be helpful or you could even be harmful for our son. And it took a lot of work and just, I guess, patients or like persistence to keep reading, taking workshops, you know, talking to other people. Just to get set up with the clinic, you know, getting speech and OT and all of that stuff. And I feel like we're in an okay place right now. We moved to this house that we're in right now about a year ago because we had a really bad experience with the school district before when our son was still in preschool. And we wanted to be in a school district that really Could offer a lot of support and we've been amazed and so grateful for everyone at this school So that has been a huge change and a really positive change for us
Natalie:What was it that prompted you guys to look into a diagnosis?
Heidi:Yeah, like I said, it was pretty deep in the pandemic so I think for us we we might not have done anything right away because He's our only child. We didn't really have anything to compare it to, and it was just the two of us, like, so many kids were struggling and having, you know, communication issues or behavior issues or whatever, because They're stuck at home with two people forever, and like, that's not really how it's supposed to be. So, it was very easy to be like, we don't know if this is because you're three, or because you're living in a pandemic, or because this is just who you are, what, you know, and our son had a lot of A lot of medical issues, a lot of physical medical issues that we had navigated through the, like, that physical side of the medical system. He had surgery when he was one for some kidney issues and then had a long history of GI issues. And it was through the GI issues that they said it would make sense to get him evaluated. There's a high correlation, I'm sure you know, between. and autistic people. So they were really the ones that referred us and said, think about this. And now that I know more about it, like I can see, yeah, that makes a lot of sense, but at the time it was sort of like, okay, maybe, I don't know. And actually as, as we learned more and like. just navigated this world more. My husband realized, Oh, I'm autistic too. Coincidentally, not because he has any biological connection, but it just never was on his radar either. And as he read more and more, he was like, this is definitely me. And that's been really interesting to like, and really helpful to be like here as a successful, full grown adult who is, yes, his share of struggles for sure. But like, This is one side of the spectrum. There's another side. Everyone is going to present differently and No, as you know, like if you know one autistic person, you only know one autistic person. It just means so many different things. So Having him as sort of like a counterbalance has been really great
Natalie:Did he end up getting an evaluation also?
Heidi:He hasn't although he's thought about it It's just very challenging as an adult try and get that evaluation there's a huge weight limit for kids and they're Working hard to prioritize kids that don't have any diagnosis, at least in Massachusetts, it's, it can be a several year wait limit or wait list for your first diagnosis. So if there's anything else that you might want to get diagnosed where they really try and like. Put you lower on the queue. And if you're an adult, it's like, good luck,
Natalie:right? It's crazy. My son, Riley, his, his wait time. Well, it was about six months. And when I tell people that they're like, Oh, wow. Like, so six months is already a long time. But the fact that you could have to wait at least a year for a child is just crazy because that's the only way they get any kind of support is with a diagnosis.
Heidi:So, yeah, that was the thing I didn't understand. And, you know, we, we really went through like that whole up and down rollercoaster of like, do we want to do this? Do we want this label? What does the label mean? And a lot of that was really based on outdated understanding of what it meant, but also not understanding that you need that diagnosis to get any services and really like. Peeve the way for the next several years.
Natalie:Yeah. Unfortunately, it's like that with anything in mental health where it's like, the diagnosis is like the key that unlocks.
Heidi:I was going to add that my friend, she has an autistic child and she has some other kids with other diagnoses. And we, we were always going back and forth about like, what does this mean? And like, we have to keep reminding ourselves at least, like. It is a label to get the services and it's not going to explain everything. It's not going to make perfect sense. It's not a coherent theory. Totally like, you know, they've had this diagnosis for what? Like 50 years, maybe like it's still very new for everyone. We're all still learning and. There's just no perfect, like, match between a person and these bullet points in the DSL.
Natalie:And I think also, like, the way that you approach an evaluation is, like, there's a filter, like, on that. You know, every individual, like, for instance, I have a tendency to minimize things that I experience. So if I go and take a test about, you know, like ADHD or OCD or something like that, I'm going to minimize my experience because that's part of my, I don't want to say personality, it's part of my, my upbringing was always to minimize what I'm going through. So if I'm going to answer a question, I'm going to be like, well, it's not all the time. So it's not that bad. So I guess I don't have that. And then that's not the way the criteria are written. They're not written for that kind of filtered expression or whatever. They're written concretely. So I think that it can be very hard for some people to get an appropriate diagnosis because just because of their own filter on things, or maybe they're not that self aware or maybe they think everyone does that thing. So it's not a big deal. So it's just, It's almost like you would need to be prepped for the evaluation, you know, like taught how to take an evaluation.
Heidi:I totally know what you mean. And I think one of my hangups is feeling like what's the point if we don't know what to do about it afterwards? Like if there's nothing that will help or what, what is the plan afterwards? And at least on our end, like that has been something I've, I've shifted my view on. And I think there is a lot that comes just having. Some mental model of what's going on and why, like, maybe you don't understand in the moment or big picture, there's a lot of mystery still, but not feeling like we did something wrong or we're not, we're not like missing a memo that every other parent got or just feeling like they're also like when you're looking at a Autistic adults, like there is this other path forward that we can learn from and if we didn't know if we didn't have this label or we hadn't gone through the evaluation, we would not have learned about that world and engage with the disability community and just, it really has shifted so much. Even if, I don't know if speech and OT are that helpful. I think they are, but I, I, I mean, also I think time is helpful too.
Natalie:Absolutely. Time is super helpful. I think that that's something that's hard to comprehend as a parent. Like when you have a small child, there's this like, All of a sudden it's like this weird cap on your child, like this, well, what are they gonna be able to do, what are they not gonna be able to do, instead of always thinking of them as someone who could do whatever they want. Like they could do this, they could do that, it's almost like all of a sudden there's this like ceiling on them and their potential. But time does wonders. Like, that's the thing too, is I think we forget that they, they're still gonna develop. Like, it is a developmental disability, but it doesn't mean that they stop developing. It just means they develop at a different rate. And I personally believe, just based on what I've observed in my son, is that I think some autistic people are not burdened by the expectations of others. Some are, but like he's not, like he really doesn't care if you think he should be doing this, this or that, so he's going to do it when he wants to. And so it's confusing because it looks like maybe he can't or doesn't know how to, but it's really not that, it's just that he personally, because of his autism, is not caught up on what you think he should be doing, you know what I mean? He's going to do it when he feels like it, it's always on his own timeline.
Heidi:So. If my son is teaching me a lesson, like in some kind of we're aligned, we're put together by the universe kind of way, it's like, you need to break some rules and like the rules don't matter really, you know, which is, I don't think of myself as a huge rule follower. I don't think that that were particularly like rule heavy family, but I mean. You know, he's, he's testing all of that and not in a, not in a willful way, not in a like trying to push us past our boundaries or something. Although it sometimes feels like that, but more in a, like, this is just coming natural to me. Like I show up in the world. I do not care what the rules are. And why would I like, we all get to be ourselves. We all can do things in our own way, unapologetically, and just like, forget all those shoulds and things that were constantly. Hold as we grow up most of the time. And then I w I would love to be a person who could let a lot more of that go. It's definitely a work in progress. Yeah,
Natalie:definitely. That's a hard one. I always admire that when he just is himself. I'm like, wow. I feel like you've conquered something at eight that. You know, 30 years plus I still haven't, you know,
Heidi:conquered that, but I hope that us protecting that for them is I mean, I think that is valuable. And even if we are struggling with that ourselves, we are doing our best to let them stay who they are. And I do think if they, at least our son, if he was in a different home, if we were different people, you know, He could have really shut down and he could have really had a very different six years of feeling like he was just a bad kid in the wrong place and, you know, I don't want that for him.
Natalie:It's kind of interesting how things work out that way. Like when you're thinking about kind of him ending up where he needed to be, you know, so that he can be himself. That's pretty cool. When you think about it, like, does your, cause you said your husband, you know. Recognizes his own autistic traits. Do you think that that made it easier for him to kind of relate to your son?
Heidi:Probably somewhat. They are very different. But I think it's honestly, I think it's more that it has softened. He's my husband's view of himself. It's given him a little more compassion for what he's gone through and yeah, why he feels different and those kinds of things. But I also think. He sees the value of like, if we can get to the other side of childhood and he doesn't feel, if our son doesn't feel excluded or less than or like he did something wrong or like, just if we can protect some of that for him, we will have Broken a cycle, even though it wasn't this biological thing to, to change what my husband experienced as a child and through adulthood to make that easier for our son, I think he feels really passionate about that and, you know, to help him be his own person and protect that. Yeah. That's
Natalie:awesome. What specifically would you say? Cause you know, we talked about how every autistic person is different. What would you say your son's? biggest challenges are when it comes to being autistic.
Heidi:It's hard to sort out like what is autistic or not, of course. But he, he does have communication issues. He doesn't use a device, but he's a distalt language processor. He has used scripts a lot. He's really come a long ways and. Sometimes I think, oh, someone might not notice, but actually they would notice probably pretty quickly. It's just that I'm used to like a lot of pulling in the gaps and mind reading. He still struggles with asking and answering questions and sort of back and forth conversation. And just that's probably the most like visible trait that he has or like the most obvious. Thing that other people are noticing right away. And I, I think it's easy for people to misunderstand him or get frustrated or just kind of underestimate him. Mm-hmm. because it seems like he's either not paying attention or he is not understanding, but he, he is, he's absorbing a lot, even if he can't always express it in the moment or in the way that we expect. And in general, just like regulation, like we're still figuring out what in the world is going to and down kind of thing of like, this is a lot of energy. I don't know what to do with it. And also you could probably use more sleep and just. Finding our flow.
Natalie:Yeah, the emotional regulation piece is huge. I would say that's easily our biggest struggle. Cause it's not just the learning how to regulate and what gets you dysregulated, it's also helping someone understand why they need to stay regulated. It's hard to explain to a child why you can't react the way that you're reacting. Because I don't know that they see the immediate consequence of it. Because they're really... If you're in a household where you are patient and gentle and kind and understanding, what really is the consequence, you know? Like, in our household, I would say I have a pretty good capacity for patience when it comes to... the dysregulation. My husband is patient, but he, I think he sees it differently where he sees it as indulgent to allow him to, to be continuously dysregulated. So that's a bit of a battle in our house, but it, it doesn't really create any tension or anything. But like really, what is the, what is the consequence if mom is sitting there and saying, it's okay, let's talk about it. Like, What's, you know, what are you thinking? What are you feeling? Can you take a deep breath? Cause that's my thing, that's what I do. It's hard to explain to them, like, if you're out in public and you act like that, there's gonna be like a social consequence. And then what if they don't really care about that? Then really, what is the motivator? To change that. So that's a hard
Heidi:one. I think for our son at least, like, a lot of times his dysregulation looks like silliness and like, really hyper, maybe kind of misbehaving, but in a very, like, joyful way. And it's, it's really hard for me, like, I find it stressful, but also, like, I don't think he has any real, Feeling of like, I should pull back from this. And like on the outside, a lot of people don't know that this is, this is his version of a meltdown, even though it's not yelling, it's not necessarily hitting or even shutting down totally. It's different, but it's. It's out of control and it's, it doesn't feel good to be out of control, but I think it feels good until that point and it's really hard to pull back and yeah, I've kind of had to teach myself like to, like, I think there's a lot to be learned from workshops and books and coaches and all of that, but also like the scripts don't work for us at all, like of what I'm supposed to say in those moments and so. For me, it's really, like, trying to remind myself just throw everything out and, like, forget what you think you're supposed to do in this moment and then see if some fresh idea comes up and works.
Natalie:It's hard, too, because I remember, I feel like I read this. And, and an email maybe that you sent me where like, when you have your own sensory issues and your, your kid's sensory stuff is activating your sensory issues. So you have to regulate yourself so you can help the child regulate. That's incredibly difficult.
Heidi:Incredibly difficult. Yeah. I mean, I wish I was a more patient mom probably every day. I wish I was, I mean, life would honestly be simpler and better for everyone if I had no needs, you know, if I didn't have needs or wants, I can see how that would benefit other people. Like, and it's complicated. Like, I don't feel like I know how to keep my needs like anywhere above the bottom usually, but I also recognize. I'm a much better mom if I'm not totally burnt out and not ready to snap just at the sound of like a cupboard or whatever.
Natalie:Yeah, I think, I don't know, I think the only thing that's, well, one of the things that's helped me is just being able to recognize what gets me dysregulated and then accept, trying to accept myself for that. I think there's a huge self acceptance piece. For a lot of us, where it's like, for instance, it's summer now, being hot makes me very dysregulated. And I never really understood that, I just thought I became really, you know how people say hangry? Like I get hangry from being hot, like, like I don't want to eat, I just mean, like I'm angry, like it makes me angry to be hot. That's dysregulation, that's, your body is dysregulated, it's affecting your emotions. So, like, how can we, first of all, accept that it's okay that it makes you dysregulated. And then what can we do about that? And that's probably the harder part, because then you get into the whole battle over, like, the air conditioner. So, but I guess that's just part of, like, being a human, it's a constant, like, you know, trying to figure out how to make things work. Yeah, it's, it's, it's definitely a challenge. Cause who helps us regulate? Like we have to help ourselves regulate and then we have to help our kids regulate. And that's a, you know, a theme that has come up with so many of the moms that I've talked to. So at least we're not alone in that struggle, but it is interesting that so many of us deal with that because I think if we were to look at each other, just like at face value, we wouldn't think of each other as. Struggles, you know, struggling to regulate, but I think it's because we mask so well, you know, women are so good at masking what's really going on and mothers too. So it's like, I think we struggle with a lot of the same things and we don't think to talk about it or like, why am I losing my mind when my kids acting like this? You know what I mean? So.
Heidi:Yeah, I follow this OT I forget what her last name is, Larissa something, and she specializes in helping parents regulate. And she talks about like, one of the best things you can say to yourself is like, it makes sense. Because so often what we're telling ourselves is like, I don't know why I'm so, I should be able to handle this or whatever. And she's like, even just the first step of saying, it makes sense that I'm dysregulated because I'm hot or because it's loud or because someone is running like past me over and over and over, that would dysregulate anyone. So it's like, at least takes the pressure off a tiny bit.
Natalie:And just like, yeah, it's like that. It's also like just accepting it, you know, don't, it doesn't change who I am. Like I'm not a bad person cause I'm getting dysregulated. I'm not a bad mom. I'm a human, like being a human being, there's a lot going on there and we get dysregulated by all kinds of things. So yeah, something that was. really interesting about like your biography. Like when I read about you, when we connected was, you know, your focus on making time for creativity. And we talked about this a little bit before we started recording. It's like, I don't know if this is just a human thing or if this is like a an American thing where everything, especially like creative stuff, like there has to be almost a, Like a monetary thing attached to it. Like if you like to draw, well, you should sell your drawings. If you like to sing, Oh, you should try out for American idol, whatever. You should try to make money off of this thing that, that you're kind of good at and that you enjoy doing. And I think we forget or just don't acknowledge that everybody's creative and like, you don't really have to be like quote unquote good at something because good is. Subjective anyways. Is it objective or subjective? I always get that. Subjective, yeah. Subjective? Yeah. Okay. I pointed that out for no reason, but I always get those mixed up. But yeah, it's subjective anyways. It's, you know, it's, it's. Up to it's like a matter of opinion so Why do you feel like it's important for people and especially moms to carve out space for creativity?
Heidi:I I think i've been creative My whole life, although I didn't particularly think of myself as a creative person. And even when I was working in creative jobs, like being a writer and editor, I think would be considered a creative job by most people, but it didn't really strike me that way. But when I became a mom, I felt like I really had to keep choosing it over and over actively because it would have been very easy to. Be like, there is zero time and I don't have energy. And what's the point? Like this would be a very easy thing to cut, but I kept missing it. Like when I was not writing or if I wasn't painting or those sounds, those are bigger activities and I feel like you need to include, but you know, for me personally, those were practices I already had. And when I. didn't do them, I felt less than myself. I felt grumpy. I felt just sort of depressed. And when I do them, when I make a tiny bit of time, even if it's like to write a haiku, like a short, short poem or doodle something like there's something about having a project that feels like it's all mine. I am the only one that gets to choose what goes on the page or what it looks like. And it is like a place where I can express ambiguities or things that I maybe even journaling doesn't really feel like it works for me sometimes because it's like too much to connect sentences or whatever, but I can get a flow going with something else. It can feel like I've expressed something or I've gotten some clarity with something in a way that I can't really otherwise. And when you were talking about like, this kind of pressure to monetize, I, I think that's really common. Whether you have a creative job or not. And, and I think people are being creative, like way more than they recognize or in all different ways. You know, maybe it's gardening, maybe it's choosing a like cool combination of your like necklace in your shirt or Making like a little nice snack plate for yourself that feels artful or purposeful or like taking photos or there's just so many different things that when we notice like we're actually doing them with a creative mindset it and that just means like we're being open to the process, we're being curious, we're experimenting, playing, Then we can enjoy the process instead of worrying so much about the outcome is and we can kind of release desire on like, do I need to make money with this? No, you don't need to make money with every single piece of those activities.
Natalie:Yeah, that's really true. I'm thought about there are so many things that are creative, like cooking can be really creative. And yeah, there's all kinds of things. And it's interesting because like, there are things that you don't really, no one's going to sit there and say, well, you're not good at that. Like gardening. I mean, who can qualify, you know, like qualify that, but you're really bad at planting those seeds. You know what I mean? But then there are things that it's like, people do evaluate like painting and writing all that stuff. But how do you, like, do you feel like for you personally, it's hard for you to find time for creativity? Since your job is creative, does that ever feel like there's a weird overlap there?
Heidi:Yes and no. Like, it has been a while since I painted. It's hard for me to find time to be creative on something that's not job related. But I feel like after doing this for so long, I am better at making the job stuff actually creative instead of, like, grinding through it or feeling like Because it's client work or it's going to be sold in some way that that changes the process or like requires me to do something else. Like I kind of sneak in the creative moments sometimes and also like I, I think I'm bringing that mindset to, like, the way I, things in the bathroom, you know, like, arrange, like, the countertop, or like, a lot of times I think, Exploring a new place could feel creative or reading something that doesn't have anything to do with anything, you know, you know, like if you don't know anything about horses and you pick up a horse magazine, like it's going to spark new ideas or. Like a lot of times I think it's really helpful to like it could be a cookbook or it could be whatever, but like take something that's already produced and think about what you would change if it was your project. And just that little like process of thinking about it and making a decision I think helps you kind of find your voice, find your vision, and feel a little like, yeah, maybe I have something to say that can be really empowering. Yeah.
Natalie:What are some of your suggestions on how moms can make time in their daily lives for creativity?
Heidi:I think first thinking like it can be found like that time can be found and it can be tiny like five minutes is And you know, I, I was writing that, the book about creativity and motherhood during the pandemic, you know, an hour a week, and that's not ideal. It got done. I wrote the book and I've written other books, you know. 30 minutes a day or whatever. And I understand the appeal of like going away to a cabin or moving on something at a creative retreat for a weekend or whatever, but that's not my life. And it's probably not most people's lives right now. And. Just being ready, like knowing what you want to work on, having your materials ready, having your notebook ready, being flexible with where and when and what it looks like when you work. For me, sometimes that means I'm writing in my notebook while I wait outside speech or OT, like that's quiet time for me and no one's going to interrupt me. So that's really creative time, a lot of times. And if you have something that, you know. You need to think about and like daydream about problem solve, you know, do that on a walk or while you're doing the dishes and it still counts. I think sometimes too, we think I'm not being creative if I'm not sitting at my desk, writing in my computer, or I'm not like picking up the actual paintbrush or doing the craft itself. But there's so much that's going on as we process our experiences and have like ideas come into our minds. Think about how we might try those. I think that's really valuable time too. Yeah. Yeah.
Natalie:I think too, like while you were talking, I was thinking about how kind of like I could see creative or like maybe the creative process. It could be a little romanticized sometimes, like, cause you're talking about going away to a retreat. Like, have you ever seen those Instagram videos where it's like someone, like, they light a candle and they have a cozy blanket and the lighting's perfect and there's this really nice relaxing music and they sit down and they start writing? Like, it's not always gonna be like that. Like sometimes, right now it's summer, I'm podcasting, I can hear my son moving around in the house. I'm in the back of my mind. I'm like, when's he going to come ask me for a snack? You know, like, and I would consider podcasting very creative. So it's like, it's not always going to be like this romantic thing. I love those videos, but I wouldn't say that it's necessarily reality for a lot of people
Heidi:when they're being creative. I mean, you definitely don't want to like. Think, well, if I can't do that, then I can't create something. And part of why I feel really passionate about it, about creativity for moms. Isn't just, I think like first and foremost, it's very nourishing. It's very grounding and it's really lovely to give yourself that time. But I also think mothers have so much to share. Like you have experiences no one else has. You have your own wisdom. And if you can. Give yourself permission to take your own ideas seriously and just like allow the idea that somewhere someone out there wants to see your vision come to life or to hear your ideas from you like the world needs that I think they need way more and I Want to encourage people to do that Even if it is messy along the way and doesn't look the way they expected the creative process to look. Yeah
Natalie:I think that like the presentation of that, it, you know, hits different, like pleasure centers in the brain or whatever. Like we love those videos that are like super polished and beautiful. It's, it's fun to watch. It's a nice escape, but I actually really love like videos of. Like you said, of moms just being messy, being themselves because it's relatable. Like I can look at a mom who, you know, there's a pile of laundry on her couch or like there's, you know, snack wrappers here and there. Like that's reality. That's going to make her relatable to me. That's going to make me want to engage with her content or like with what she's doing. So it's like, yeah, I think it. Both serve a purpose, you know, like the beautiful presentation, but also just the very real, I mean, cause you need energy for creativity, but if you're spending your create, you know, your energy on trying to make it look perfect, then you don't have that energy. So.
Heidi:For sure. And it, it zaps your energy if you are telling yourself you're doing it wrong, like the whole time you're trying to be creative. So the more you can just say, this is how I do it right now, maybe like in a year or 10 years, I will light a candle and have my own desk in the studio or whatever. But for now, this is what it looks like for me. I think. That's gonna be a more satisfying process for sure. Yeah.
Natalie:So where can people find like, what are you up to right now? I know you mentioned your creativity and motherhood book. Is that out yet?
Heidi:Or no, it's in submission. It's being submitted to publishers. So you know, hopefully in a year or two, publishing moves really slowly. Hopefully it will be out. But I do have a PDF. I'll send you the link so you can share it with people. It's called seven days of inspiration. And it's a really simple guide. Very easy. In the moment quick things you can do to feel a little more creative and in touch with that side of yourself And you can always find me at helloheidiefiedler. com Where I'm sharing inspiration and encouragement with all the creative moms out there
Natalie:Cool, and are you on like Instagram, right?
Heidi:I'm on Instagram at Heidi Fiedler and I just started a sub stack called Mothers Who Make and I'm interviewing 100 creative mothers about their experience. It's really cool. I feel like it's a newsletter but I'm treating it as like a museum for Celebrating mothers and all the really cool work that they're doing.
Natalie:That is really cool. I have to check that out. How do you, is that like a sub stack, like an app or what is that
Heidi:exactly? I think you can use, you can like read it on your browser. And I think as like a reader, it, it almost feels like a newsletter, like it's going to come to your inbox, but there is an app and the app is kind of nice. As like an alternative to like if you're standing in in line and you don't want to look at Instagram You can open the sub stack app and like read Newsletters all in one place and it's a little more like literary I guess I'm enjoying it so far. It's very new for me. I'm like still learning what it all means and how to navigate
Natalie:it. Okay So someone could go on there and find you on there and
Heidi:then yeah, search mothers who make on sub stack. Or if you go to hello, Heidi Fiedler. com, there's a link at the bottom to sign up for the sub stack. Okay. Well, awesome.
Natalie:Well, thank you so much for coming on and chatting with me today. Really loved getting to know more about you. You too. Thank you, Natalie. Thank you so much for joining me for this week's episode. If you'd like to get in contact with me, you can find me on Instagram at rad mom radio. And you can also send me an email. My email address is radmomradio at gmail. com. Have a great week and I'll talk to you soon. Bye.