Are you kinder to others than you are to yourself? All right. Let me tell you what I mean by that. I mean, do you talk to yourself the way that you would a close friend? Some more than a thousand research studies show the benefits of being a supportive friend to yourself, expecially in the time of need. Yet we constantly criticized ourselves. We are harsh on ourselves. We judge ourselves and we hold ourselves to impossible standards. Y'all I am recording this during the week of love. Valentine's day is. Today actually, and I want to talk about self-love because it is so important and because the number one sticky floor I hear about on this podcast from all of the amazing women. It's about knowing your worth. And if you have self-love and self-compassion for yourself, research shows that you have greater happiness, life satisfaction and motivation, better relationships and physical health and less anxiety and depression, which hello. Isn't that what we are all after. People who are self-compassionate have the resilience. They need to cope with stressful life events, like divorce, health, crisis, job loss, or trauma. Now I know that when I stepped away from the harsh self judgment and the ridiculous expectations that I tend to put on myself. My life really transformed. And I want that for you, which is why we are going to go deep today on what self-compassion is, what it is not and how you can learn to love yourself better. You are listening to the podcast from now to next, the podcast that empowers women to get seen, get heard and get promoted. I'm your host, Erica Rooney, and I've made it my mission to help you break free from the sticky floors, those limiting beliefs and toxic behaviors to bust through the glass ceiling. I'm obsessed with all things, growth and abundance. And I'm here to talk you through the tried and true secrets to get you to level up your career and your life. We talk about the hard stuff here. Imposter syndrome, perfectionism, fear and burnout. So pull up a seat. Pop it in your bed and let's dive in. Self-compassion really is treating yourself the way you would treat a friend who's going through it. Even if your friend totally blew it, even if they totally messed up in the biggest of ways. It is all about how you would treat that person. Now, Western culture, places, this huge emphasis on being kind to our family, our friends, our colleagues who are going through it, but not so much ourselves. Now imagine if your bestie calls you and tells you that she messed up, like she really messed up. She shared out a file at work that had confidential information on it. And this could be just devastating to her career. Would you say, oh my God, you're so dumb. Why would you do that? Why didn't you check that? How could you mess this up? How did you even let this happen? You are just so stupid. I think, you know, the answers now. And if you wouldn't say that, I don't want to be your friend, but you would likely say something along the lines of like, oh my gosh, that sucks, but you're only human and humans make mistakes. You might even add that, Hey, you're not defined by this one. Oopsie. No matter how big of an oopsie it is. And I imagine he would probably even like boost them up by giving them compliments and telling them and reminding them about all the amazing things that they've done in the past. That that is what defines them. Not this one mistake. But now I want you to imagine that it was you that made that same mistake. What does that internal dialogue sound like? Now, this is actually a really great journaling exercise that you can do. And I want you to start by thinking about something that did not go exactly as you'd planned. I'm not talking about a huge, huge mess up. I'm not talking about something messy. Like you cheated on your spouse or you did something really egregious. I'm thinking, think about something that it bothers you. And you messed up, but it's not going to like wreck your life. And I want you to write out what does that internal voice say? And then I want you to write it from the perspective that this exact situation, the one that you are sitting in, it's your best friend that went through it. It's your best friend that messed up. What would you tell her? And then I want you to take a minute to compare the two. How you talk to yourself, how you talk to your best friend about the same situation. And I want you to notice, is there a difference? And if there is. Why. Why do you have this discrepancy between how you talk to yourself and how you talk to your friend? Because the first step of self-love. And self-compassion is always about noticing how you are thinking and feeling and how you are talking to yourself, how you were talking about yourself, because only with awareness, can we bring about change? Now the second step is always to remember. That as human beings, we are all flawed. We're all flawed in many, many ways. And we are all a work in progress. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. This is just life. This is like truly the fact of life. And self-compassion really takes that fact. And it keeps it at the forefront for us now. I know this is obvious, but it is so easy to forget. And like, I am the queen of forgetting this. I am so guilty. We just fall into this trap where we hold ourselves to higher standards than we hold anyone else. And while there's some good in that, right? Like it's good to have high expectations of ourselves. We still have to honor the fact that it isn't always going to go as planned. We will sometimes let our emotions get the best of us and we will make mistakes. And the sooner that we can remember that the better. Now one exercise that has always been super helpful to me. When I find myself ruminating way over a past mistake is to really write down the ways that I'm letting myself run away with it. Now, let me tell you what I mean by that. Not too long ago. I was in a leadership meeting where I made a comment that was over the top and it wasn't called for. But it was made because I was just really frustrated with the situation. And as soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted it. And I thought about this comment that I made at four weeks y'all for weeks. I mean, shoot enough to put it in this podcast. And in my head, I just knew that my boss was thinking about me saying that one comment and wanted to talk to me about it, that he was going to judge me for it. He was going to put it into my performance review that he thought less of me for making that comment. Y'all how ridiculous is that one small comment that yes, it was out of line, but was it a big deal? Absolutely. The heck not. Was anyone else still thinking about it? Probably not. Yeah, I was letting my mind ruminate and runaway with it. I was 100% making a much bigger deal then was even warranted. Now what helped me and what does help me is when I find myself just running away with things and like thinking the worst and, you know, death and destruction and everything is going to blow up in my face. Is to remind myself that this is not isolated to just me. Everyone says things they regret from time to time. And I am not the exception. Now I also remind myself that it's natural to feel this way after making a mistake. And I work on letting go of the judgment that I hold over my head. Now, what I will say is times like this, they are amazing learning opportunities. And I know that when I feel this level of judgment towards myself, that it's because I did not act according to the values that I pride myself on that I am not being the type of person. That I want to be that who I am at the core. And so when I find myself having these moments of judgment and major criticism, Part of my compassion practice is to really sit down and ask myself, how could I have handled that situation differently? Do I need to take a breath before I respond. Do I need to just always like count to five. What do I need to do? How can I tune into my emotions faster so that I don't just let words fly out of my mouth when I really don't mean them. And I do this with the expectation that I will get it right from here on out, but just how can I tune in and how can I really live in alignment with the person that I am at my core. And the person I aspire to be. Now that we all know what self-compassion is. Let's talk about what it's not, because I think a lot of people get this confused. It is not throwing a pity party for yourself. It is not something that makes you soft. It does not make you weak and it is not selfish. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Self-compassion is recognizing that life is hard for everyone sometimes. And I want to tell you why that's important. Research shows that self-compassionate people are more likely to engage in perspective taking rather than focusing on their own distress, they are less likely to ruminate, which is that is my trouble area. Y'all and this is one of the reasons why those who are self-compassionate have better mental health is they are not ruminating. Okay. They're not focusing on their distress. Now, one thing that I have heard about self-compassion that is a huge misconception, is that it will become the excuse to get away with anything. You know what I mean by that? Like, you didn't work out today, have some self-compassion you yelled at someone to have self-compassion missed a deadline. More self-compassion no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. That is not what I'm saying. Self-compassion is not making excuses for your bad behavior. Really? It is this safety net that is there for you, so that you can admit mistakes and grow from them rather than blame someone else. So, for example, didn't work out today. Maybe you over-scheduled, maybe you didn't have a lot of time and maybe it was your biggest intention. To work out, but you just didn't get to it. That's when you have self-compassion. But if you just don't do it. That's laziness. Y'all. Because guess what? The research shows that if you are self-compassionate, you are more likely to take personal responsibility for your actions than someone who is not. And this is a game changer because it allows you to take ownership. It allows you to grow and it allows you to move on. People who sit in that blame game. They are not growing. They are not thriving and they certainly aren't changing. They're going to remain exactly where they are. Now the sticky floor of self-compassion or rather the lack of self-compassion. It is a big one and it's common across all ages, races, ethnicities backgrounds, but it is expecially prevalent in women. And if you were an ambitious woman, chances are you do hold yourself to a high standard. You know, what you're capable of, which is why. When you fall short, you beat yourself up over it. Now I've personally found that journaling helps me really break out of that cycle of rumination. And it allows me to be mindful about what I did or didn't do. And it allows me to go deep on why it's bothering me. Journaling. It helps me move through the rumination and it helps me get introspective. And that has been a big piece of my growth. But once you get curious about what is bothering you and why it's bothering you, you can start to move through it. And then action. Is always the next best step. Did you yell at your kids because they were fighting over who got the best color Popsicle and you lost your ever loving mind on them. And now you feel like shit because you yelled at them. The next best thing to do is apologize for yelling. It doesn't undo it. It doesn't make it go away, but it just, it shows that you're human and that you recognize you made the mistake. You know, maybe you missed a really important deadline at work and your boss is ticked off and disappointed. The next best thing to do is talk to your boss about the course of action to fix the situation. Sometimes it's not a huge deal. Sometimes it is. But the action piece drives us forward. You will not always be able to fix things. Okay. You won't always be able to correct the mistake or how you made someone feel, but you can always apologize and you can always take action and move forward. So absolutely reflect on what has got you all wound up. What has got you worried where you fell short? Journal it out and go deep and get to the root cause. And then take action and move forward. And then the last piece, this is it. It's to leave it behind. You may have messed up, but now it's time to move on. If you really struggle with the moving on piece, you know what I'm going to say? Get yourself a bomb.com therapist. To talk to who can provide you with the guidance that you need to have a more compassionate mindset, because here is what I know, and this is the big takeaway. Self-compassion it is a skill and it can be cultivated over time. Just like confidence. You do not have to be born with it. But that is the first step is becoming aware. It's about breaking out of the unconscious sticky floor, reflecting about what is going on, taking action and driving forward. And during this week of love when I'm recording this. The best advice that you can give yourself is one of self-compassion. Maybe you're listening to this and you're beating yourself up because you totally forgot to get enough Valentine's day cards for your kids or your partner. Got you. An amazing gift and you just got them a card and now you feel bad. Perfect time to practice the art of self-compassion. Show yourself some love and talk to yourself like you would a bestie. And then, you know what, move on with your day. This whole thing of holding yourself to a higher standard higher than anyone else that's for the birds. Y'all so release that judgment, release that criticism and recognize that you are doing enough and guess what? You are doing a damn good job. But I do have one last request of you though. And that is to show me some love this Valentine's day by rating reviewing and subscribing to the podcast, as it truly helps it lands in the hands of the woman that needs to hear it the most. But until next time, stop putting ceilings on what is possible and start smashing through them.