Glass Ceilings and Sticky Floors: Shatter Limiting Beliefs - Redefine Success - Chase Big Dreams
Comparisonitis, Perfectionism, and What They Don't Tell You About Motherwood with Taniel Strydom
Apr 10, 2024
Erica Rooney
Ever thing "I don't deserve that" or "I'm not enough?"
Yeah, me too.
Today we dive deep into the sticky floor of perfectionism and comparisonitis as it intersects with motherhood with today's guest, Taniel Strydom.
In this enlightening episode, you'll discover:
Understanding Comparisonitis: An exploration of what comparisonitis is and why it's more prevalent than ever in our digital age.
The TOUGH stuff about Motherhood - grieving the loss of who you once were.
Personal Journey: Taniel shares her own struggles with comparison and the transformative journey towards self-acceptance and empowerment.
Strategies for Overcoming: Practical advice and strategies to break free from the cycle of comparison and cultivate a mindset of self-compassion and contentment.
The Role of Social Media: An in-depth discussion on how social media fuels comparisonitis and actionable tips to use social media mindfully.
Empowering Tools: Tools and techniques to boost self-esteem, celebrate personal achievements, and appreciate the unique path of each individual.
Creating a Supportive Community: The importance of fostering a supportive community that encourages authenticity and uplifts each other.
Ever thing "I don't deserve that" or "I'm not enough?"
Yeah, me too.
Today we dive deep into the sticky floor of perfectionism and comparisonitis as it intersects with motherhood with today's guest, Taniel Strydom.
In this enlightening episode, you'll discover:
Understanding Comparisonitis: An exploration of what comparisonitis is and why it's more prevalent than ever in our digital age.
The TOUGH stuff about Motherhood - grieving the loss of who you once were.
Personal Journey: Taniel shares her own struggles with comparison and the transformative journey towards self-acceptance and empowerment.
Strategies for Overcoming: Practical advice and strategies to break free from the cycle of comparison and cultivate a mindset of self-compassion and contentment.
The Role of Social Media: An in-depth discussion on how social media fuels comparisonitis and actionable tips to use social media mindfully.
Empowering Tools: Tools and techniques to boost self-esteem, celebrate personal achievements, and appreciate the unique path of each individual.
Creating a Supportive Community: The importance of fostering a supportive community that encourages authenticity and uplifts each other.
Have you ever struggled with comparison itis? You know when you're battling those ridiculous thoughts in your head about how everyone else has it better than you. They are more put together. They're stronger. They're skinnier, they're prettier. They're smarter. Or dare I say they are a better mother than you. To Neil's tried them life. Coach inhibited therapist is on the show today to talk about her journey of becoming a mother. And it's not filled with the cute little newborn clothes or a smiling baby. No, no, no. It's actually filled with grief. And that is the grief over who she wants was. You see what I know to be true is society makes motherhood out to be this. Be all end, all journey for women is what we should all be striving for. But what if you never thought you would be a mom or what if you always wanted to be a mom, but you never realized what that meant. You were giving up to become one. We go deep in this episode into what some may call a taboo subject, but when you peel back the onion and you recognize that motherhood or not comparison is the thief of joy and perfectionism can always rear its ugly head. To Neil is here to shatter that stigma and to change how we approach empowering moms to live their best lives. You are listening to the glass ceilings and sticky floor podcast. The podcast that will empower you to shatter limiting beliefs and toxic behaviors to uncover infinite possibilities so that you can live your best life. I'm Erica Rooney and I'm on a mission to bring more women into positions of power and to keep them there. I'm obsessed with all things, growth and abundance. And I'm here to talk to you through the tried and true secrets to get you to level up your career and your life. We talked about the hard stuff here. Imposter syndrome, perfectionism, fear and burnout. So pull up a seat, pop in into your bed. And let's dive in. Today's guest, Tenille Strydom, is a transformation life coach, a clinical hypnotherapist, and RTT practitioner with a deep commitment to helping moms live their best lives. Tenille, I am so excited to have you on the show. How are you today? Uh, I'm so excited to be here. Thank you so much. All right. Well, we're going to kick it off by saying where in the world is Tenille, because you obviously have a different accent than I do. So where are we calling in from? Well, I am based in Johannesburg, South Africa. I'm actually Zimbabwean by birth. I moved to South Africa a few years after, I lived in Zimbabwe. So I've been here for pretty much most of my life. Oh my gosh. Awesome. We're going global here on the podcast. It's amazing. Well, Teneal, if I'm running through your LinkedIn profile, right? You have come up from an office manager, from an executive assistant to a performance marketing manager to Founder and wow, how many career lives have you lived far too many and I don't think it's finished yet. Um, I think one of the things that I am just sort of getting comfortable being uncomfortable about is pivoting. It's just one of those things, especially as becoming a mom. I've had to reinvent myself so many times, um, a lot more than when I did when I was a lot younger. But it has been a journey. Oh my goodness. Well, tell me a little bit about your personal and professional journey and kind of what got us to this place today. Yeah. So I had pretty big ambitions for my life. I was one of those that just really visioned myself in a big corporate, you know, with the fancy title, the fancy car, the fancy office doing all the things, those corporate vibes, um, probably did a lot of things that I'm not proud of, um, as you do in corporate life. And I am. I felt pregnant when I would think I was probably at my, in my best role. Um, I was an acting head of marketing for a big global corporate and I felt pregnant and it was not then. So it was a big shock and a lot changed. Um, during my pregnancy, not so much because I don't think I really understood what it meant to become a mom. And I was still thinking, Oh, well, you know, I'll have this baby and I'll work from home during maternity leave. And I'll take a shorter maternity leave and I'll come back and everything will be fine. And, you know, life continues and I just have this child that'll fit into my life, which didn't happen. I don't think ever happens. So then during maternity, um, I think, I just hit a brick wall. I suffered postpartum. I, all my demons came out. My child was incredibly difficult. And I, I mean, he was my first newborn baby I've ever held. So it's not as though I was exposed to any parts of this life before then. And then I had him, everything changed, left corporate, started in the startup world. And then the reinvention just continued year after year. Well, and I think the reinvention of not being a mom to becoming a mom is a big one that so many people don't talk about because it's supposed to be such a happy time and an exciting time and everything is wonderful. And I don't think society paints a really. Good picture or the entire picture that you will never be that woman you once were again. And while that's a beautiful thing and a great thing, it's also a really hard thing. Can you tell me how you kind of worked through that? Yeah, so it's actually one of the things that I focus on in my coaching now is I focus on moms with, um, that are struggling with their new identity. It was incredibly difficult for me. I literally went from. Heels and glam and the fancy car office salary people surrounding me to pretty much 24 hours. A massive change. I mean, you can barely have a hot shower. You literally don't even have a hot coffee. you know, you are in sweats, you're in comfortable things. You are lucky if you can wash your hair once a week. You are spending your life washing, you bottles and clothes and cooking and cleaning and making sure everything's sterilized and watching the baby. And because my baby was reflux and colicky and he didn't sleep, um, it was all a lot within a very short space of time. And as much as you hear everybody always saying to you, your life's about to change and things as you knew at one, you know, are going to be different. You never understand what that actually means until it happens. And when it happens, I think you're so overwhelmed with everything because you have all your happy hormones and you have everything, but you're exhausted. And you're grieving the loss of who you were because you know that you will never go back to that person. What it was is, like, it is gone. And you have to have time to grieve that or at very least acknowledge that your feelings are valid to grieve it. But we're not given that permission. You know, we're given, we, we are Stuck in the world where we're in comparisonitis with social media, and we see all these moms who pop out a baby and a week later they've got their pre pre pregnancy body back. They are smiling and happy like they're catching all the sleep in the world. Their baby's always happy and calm. And I think subconsciously we know that that's just a moment is not real, but because we see so much of it, it's almost like we get conditioned to believe that there's something wrong with us and that there's something wrong with the way that we're feeling. And I just want that to be normalized. I want every mom to know that you are totally normal and it is totally okay. It happens to everybody. I am. I remember feeling so isolated and the whole mom bashing is real. Like if you go anywhere online, or even if you're in a specific group and you maybe ask a question incorrectly, or you offend someone by, by asking something that maybe you should or shouldn't be feeling the mom bashing that you get is so brutal. That you end up trying to deal with everything alone, and then you start berating yourself and questioning yourself whether you're even good enough to be a mom, and it's just the wrong narrative. It really is. And I can remember just recently seeing someone on my team had a baby and she had him in his car seat and you know, the strap wasn't on 100 percent correctly because she just put him in there and snapped a picture. It wasn't like they were actually even going anywhere yet. And she felt the need to put in the caption, like, yes, I'm going to fix his harness later. And I'm like, okay, this is next level bullshit, for lack of better words, like, that we're going to get on there. And critique, and think we know better, and yeah, you're right, it leads us to start dealing with those things on our own. But my question for you is, comparisonitis is real. Like, I remember being pregnant, and going into motherhood, and looking at all the things every other mother was achieving that I wasn't. How can we stop that cycle? It's, it's really difficult, especially because it is so prevalent and, and people are, are, I don't want to say they fake, because I do believe that those moments happen, but I, I do believe that they're not being real. They're only showing those moments, you know, they only showing the good side. And let's be honest, we all do. You know, we don't, we don't all show the ugly bits. but definitely in order to stop it, you have to remember. That what you're going through is normal and everybody goes through it just because it's not on social media, doesn't mean it's not happening. And. You have to take stock of everything that you're doing. Well, I don't know the stats, but I remember listening to the stats and getting quite impressed at how unique it is for you to actually become a mom. You know, how, how rare, although like, I know that the world is growing and a lot of people are having children, it really is a gift to be able to fall pregnant and have a healthy child. So already you're there, you know, you have, you don't have to compare yourself to anybody. What you choose to do and how you choose to parent your child has to come from within, it is your intuition that's going to guide you. And you have to trust yourself. And if you compare yourself to someone else, you don't know their journey. You don't know what's going on behind closed doors. So it is really difficult, especially I know, um, when, when you're a new mom, one of the big issues is your body changes. And it's one of the first things that you're going to compare with, but you can't do that. Like you, you just grew a human, like, let's just be really honest here. You grew a human. It's not as though you were sitting at McDonald's for nine months, you know, so you've got to give yourself a break and, um, everything that comes with, you know, comparing yourself to other moms in the sense of, Oh, my child doesn't do that or hasn't hit the milestones and all of that. It's irrelevant. The journey is different. And at the end of the day, what we focus on when babies are small, just pans out when they get a bit older, it's completely different. I wouldn't say challenges, but it's different focus points for us, right? So don't get bogged down in the small stuff. Like this journey goes so quickly and everything that you're stressing about in the beginning, you're going to look back and go, I actually want that stress back. So just enjoy where you're at and compare it comparisonitis. You just don't know what those moms are going through. That's a great reminder that some of the small things that we are so worried about and so stressed about today as moms, whatever stage you are in, is going to be irrelevant, hopefully in a few years, right? And then you're going to have all new struggles. And I know where I live, everybody talks about little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. And it's so true, right? We all, but they're all different. They're just different challenges. And we have to. Figure out how to move through them, which is with as much grace as possible. Now, my question for you to Neal is that transition from sexy glam corporate into messy motherhood, shall we call it? Yeah. Did you even recognize right away the, the grieving process that you were going through or did it take a while to figure that out? And what did that look like for you? I had no idea. I honestly, I felt like I had been hit. With a truck of emotions and coming from corporate, you know, I, I went into corporate when I was really young and I had been conditioned to suppress my emotions. And, you know, I was the female at the table and I was always told the first person that shows emotion loses and, you know, all the good corporate speak. I had never really allowed myself to feel Emotions and actually learn how to process them. So when I became a mom, I was hit with all of these emotions that most of them hadn't even felt before. And secondly, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to process them. And I, and my immediate reaction was what's wrong with me. Why can't I just be happy? Like all these other moms. You know, why, why, what am I doing wrong? I'm going to be a terrible mother. I'm going to, I'm failing him already. Just really, really negative self speak, and, and really putting a negative light on me as a human, because I just constantly felt like a failure. and I think only after, I would say a good three months. When he started to just develop a little bit more and the colic and the reflux and everything started to calm down. I just started to get present with myself and ask all the hard questions. And I learned that the more I was fighting myself, the more I had that body mind disconnection, the more I was spiraling. And the more I was not really being a good mom at all, because I wasn't there. I was so worried about everything else. I wasn't actually present and helping him through things. So for me, it was definitely getting still, having that mindful time, making sure my mind and body were connected and together and asking myself a lot of the hard questions, getting the hard answers, moving forward, but doing it in a space of acceptance and no judgment, which was really difficult. Yeah, that is very, very difficult. What are your tips to moving through without judgment? Because I judge myself very harshly. Yeah. You know, I think we do, especially when we, when we've been in corporate for such a long time, because we're, we're conditioned into an environment that is very critical on women and very hard on women, because there is unfortunately, A scarcity mindset because you only see one woman at the table, you know, um, so you automatically hold yourself to this incredibly high standard to make sure that you're the next seat at that table. and for me, it was, it took a really, really long time, but it is literally just catching your thoughts. So every time you want to berate yourself or judge yourself, like I am a terrible mother because I ordered takeout tonight. I just reframe that. And I say, you know what I got takeout tonight and I got to spend a really good quality amount of time with my kids because I didn't have to stand in the kitchen and cook, and it's just literally reframing it so that your mind, because let's be honest, we lie to ourselves every single day. So we just need to tell ourselves a better lie, you know, it's just reframing that into something better. because also your mind. Your mind doesn't understand fluff. So if you say really harsh words to yourself, like you're an idiot, you're an asshole, it's going to be like, Oh, let me show you all the ways you are an idiot and an asshole. Um, but if you just go, Oh, silly Billy, really? It's like, Oh, okay. I don't know what you're saying. And it won't show you all the ways. So it's just really about reframing and catching yourself every single time you find you, you go into that immediate self judgment Transcribed And self berating mode, just catch yourself. And sometimes, you know, when you get into that situation and you find it really difficult, so it could be something at work or something with your, with your child, like you've snapped at your child because, um, you've just had a really stressful day, I find that when you actually sit back and. You know, take a breath, go into your situation where you like, what is actually happening here? Think of your last achievement within that situation. So if it was, you know, this morning I actually sat and we had breakfast together and we had a great conversation. That is a really good thing to focus on because. You're showing yourself, well, I'm actually a good mom because I spent some really good quality time with my child this morning. So I'm going to go and apologize right now. But, you know, what I did was normal. Instead of sort of taking yourself out, not sleeping, not eating, putting yourself on that loop because you just feel so terrible. One of the things that I think feeds, The comparison itis, you know, and all that mess around it, aside from social media, is that we put these gold standard expectations on everything, on everything that we do, how we show up as a mom, how we show up as an entrepreneur, how we present ourselves. And when we fall short of those expectations. We beat ourselves up over it, like that example where you talked about take out and food for your kid. It brought me back to when my kid, I think, was about two years old, and I was like, no, we don't do fast food. We don't do any of that, and I think I worked so late one night, and I was like, my only option here to actually get this child fed, so he's not screaming his head off. Is to go through the Chick fil A drive thru, the fast food here in America. And I even took a picture of it and put it on social media because it was just something that I didn't do. But I said, like, these are my options is to either go home and listen to my child scream bloody murder while I cook a meal. And then have no time with him. Or, pick up some chicken nuggets and some french fries. And have an enjoyable night, call it a day. And I think as women especially, we need to recalibrate the expectations that we have of ourselves. The expectations of what it means to be a quote, good mom, right? Or even a good corporate citizen. Like, we just have these gold standard expectations and we do not allow ourselves any wiggle room with that. No, and I don't know if you know Dr. Gabor Maté. Um, a Canadian doctor who is like one of my best trauma. He talks about childhood trauma, and he basically has been saying that being a mother in these current times, um, is as hard, if not harder than World War II, because we are now loaded with so many more roles. And expected to deliver the same outcome and it's, it is impossible, but what it's doing is it's putting a lot of stresses on us, which is putting a lot of stresses on our relationship with our children. Um, and then the cycle just continues. So I think, you know, I've had to detox from perfectionism a few times. I've fallen off the wagon a few times, but it's definitely something that is important because If you don't check your expectations. Let's be honest, you're never going to meet them. It's unrealistic. And wherever we got those expectations from, I'm not even sure, because I think we are comparing ourselves to maybe the moms in the sixties or seventies that were able to be moms. You know, they were able to do those beautiful birthday parties and pitch up to every single sporting events and just be there all the time. But we don't have that luxury anymore. You know, the, the pressure that's on in current climate. We need a two household income. We need to be present with absolutely everything that we're doing and everything that we do demands time. So although our priority is our kids, absolutely. And you know, our hearts and our intention and everything is to be there for our kids. It's just not plausible to put that kind of pressure on ourselves when we cannot do it. No. You know, so it's about, let's be honest, let's reset the expectations. And if today, the best that I could do was show up, then that's what I can do. Yeah, I think we're at this, this turn of a generation where we. I say we collectively, like women at our stage of life, we learned from our moms that we should do all of these things, right? Cook home cooked meals, have big birthday parties, show up at every school event, be the lunchroom mom, right? Be there for pickup and drop off all the things. But we also learned from that group of women, our parents, that we could have it all and do it all in our careers. So we're also climbing the corporate ladder. But there was never that discussion of. Well, I never did both, right? It was like, now you just have to do all of that and you have to be everyone to all things. And I'm so hopeful that we, like you and me can work through this now so that for our children, they can have a much more balanced approach, a much more realistic view on what it means to be a working parent, not a working mom. You never hear anybody say I'm a working dad, right? Like no. And I'm hopeful that we can be. more equal when it comes to that for our kids, but I love how you framed it as detoxing from perfectionism. Give me your top tip to Neil on how to detox from perfectionism expectations. Honestly, it is the roots of all of it. Like we just, I know the way I was brought up, um, is girls were seen, not heard. Girls didn't cause a scene, girls needed to be perfect, girls were, you know, these perfect little beings that had to get good grades, had to be quiet, and just be there for whenever anybody needed something. And, you know, growing through, going through school, and then I was, quite, um, sporty. So I got involved in a lot of the sports with the, you know, the sports teams and I was traveling quite a bit and it just wasn't very ladylike. Um, and then I had to almost switch into a role of being this perfect female, you know, Outside of my sporting career. And as life went on, you know, we got the roles of the personal assistants and you know, all of those office roles, and we would never afforded the opportunity to step up and be that manager or step up and lead a team and, and all the good things that I don't think men actually understand the scarcity of it behind, behind what we do. But I had held myself to such a high standard my whole life because I was so scared to break out of that bubble of, you know, if you are speaking about your feelings, you're emotional, if you are, you know, saying something that people disagree with you, it must be that time of the month, you being irrational. It is all these things that you get bashed with. That you are constantly before you've even said your first word, a million and one conversations have gone through your head and you've got a thousand tabs open and you're just trying to navigate. How, how do I be perfect in this situation? How do I, show up as the most amazing woman? And it's not you, like, it's just so not authentic. And I was getting into this war with myself the whole time. Like I, I didn't want to be perfect. I wanted to learn. I've got a very curious nature and, you know, I dive headfirst into anything because if somebody says to me, this course is great or do this. I'm like, no, I want to figure it out myself. I might not have the same experience, but I never allowed myself to do that because my expectations were so high that if I try and fail, that's not good enough. So I just didn't try. so I had to reset all of my expectations. I had to relearn a lot of language towards myself. And, Ask myself those hard questions like, what is it that you actually wanna do? What is it that you wanna try and what would happen if you fail? Will you die? No. move on. You know? And yeah. So that was sort of how I started the journey and it was why, and again, I think my having kids pushed me towards it because I really wanted to be able to. You know, I didn't want to be a rigid mom. I wanted to be able to say, yeah, I tried that, you know, give it a go or accept that they make mistakes, except that, you know, things go wrong. And I didn't want to just spiral out of control and, going to this little ball every single time something went wrong, I really needed to make those mistakes and in perfectionism. You just don't. I love this idea of not wanting to be perfect because I think number one, we always strive for perfect. But I think if we can pivot that thought in our mind to say, if you can do all these things, perfect, then you're not going big enough. You're not dreaming big enough. You're not chasing your potential, right? It's almost like failure. If we are always hitting our goals and our achievements, and we're not dreaming big enough. And so I think I'm coming to this in real time here with you to Neil, that we all need to redefine and chase after this idea of not being perfect, because that means we're really stretching our potential. And that is how we actually hit our highest potential. Absolutely. And that's how we grow. Love it. And how do we, how do we teach our kids to grow if we weren't doing it ourselves? You can't. You cannot. Tenille, my favorite question to ask everybody on this podcast is, if you could go back in time to the sexy, glam, corporate Tenille who had no idea about motherhood and everything that was in store, now that you know everything you know now, what would be that one piece of advice you would give her? Take it easy on yourself. Take it easy. I love it. And Tenille, if people want to work with you, they want to find you, how can they find you? Yeah. So, you can jump onto my website, which is tenealstratum. com, um, or my Instagram handle, which is at tenealstratum. All right. And I'm going to link all of those things in the show notes, Teneal. Thank you so much for being here, for talking about the hard things that most people don't want to talk about. We're pulling the covers off of, you know, sometimes motherhood is not all sexy and wonderful and beautiful. You know, it's okay. So thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that with us. I loved it. Thank you so much for this opportunity. Honestly, I'm very, very, very grateful. Thank you so much for joining us on this deeply personal journey today. Y'all we have ventured through the valleys of comparisonitis. We have climbed the mountains of perfectionism and we have navigated the delicate process of grieving the person we were before motherhood. Now, this is a path that is marked by challenges, but also incredible growth and boundless. Unlimited love. And I remember the journey through motherhood is as unique as you are and it's okay to mourn. It's okay to struggle and it's okay to emerge stronger and more. Self-aware. And as we close out today's episode, I want to just remind you that you are enough. Your journey is valid and your transformation is a true Testament to your strength and your love. The biggest thing we can do here together is all continuing to support one another support our unique journeys and embrace our imperfections while celebrating our growth. But remember. If no one has told you today. It is time to stop putting a ceiling on what's possible. And to start smashing through them. And if you enjoyed this episode with me and to Neil, please do me a solid and rate review and subscribe to the podcast as it truly helps it land in the hands of the person who needs to hear it the most.