STOP Talking When Your Toddler Melts Down: Do This Instead Ep 125

You’re in the grocery store. Your toddler is whining, tugging, then screaming, and finally — full-body flop in the aisle. People are watching. Your chest tightens. You start explaining, reasoning, pleading… and it just gets worse.

Why?

In this episode, Erin Hyer breaks down what’s actually happening inside your toddler’s brain during a meltdown — and why talking doesn’t work when their emotional system is in charge. You’ll learn how the right hemisphere, limbic system, and survival responses work together… and what to do instead to bring calm back to the moment.

She shares real stories, brain science explained simply, and practical strategies for those everyday meltdown moments — whether it’s a waiting room or aisle five.

🎧 In this episode:

• What’s happening in your toddler’s brain during a meltdown
• Why talking often makes things worse
• How to respond effectively without escalating the moment
• Real stories from Erin’s 35+ years of experience
• How to plan ahead for tricky public moments (like grocery shopping!)

👉 Join Erin’s free private Inside Talking Toddlers  community on Thursdays to get weekly quick-win audios and your Top 10 ESSENTIAL SKILLS for Talking

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Disclaimer:

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your pediatrician or a qualified health provider with questions about your child’s development or health. The views shared are based on Erin Hyer’s professional experience and are intended to support informed parenting, not to replace individual consultation or care. Every child and family is unique — please use your discretion and consult trusted professionals when making decisions for your child.

📩 Questions: contact@HyerLearning.com
 🌐 www.HyerLearning.com

Transcript

Erin: 0:00

what happens is developmentally appropriate, their brain is still under construction, Their reasoning is immature. Their language processing is immature. Their emotional regulation is immature, right? So what looks like oppositional behavior, refusing to listen, screaming louder, collapsing on the floor. Is not rebellion. It's their brain saying, I don't know how to handle this right now, or I can't pull my stuff together and handle it. And here's the critical piece. Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. We're gonna cover all of that, but here our goal is to develop clarity because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities, so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. You know how it goes. You're in the grocery store just trying to get it done. Your toddler is tagging along already a little whiny. First, it's a tug on your arm. Then a mom, mom, mom, and that turns into nagging. Then comes maybe a little push or a pull. I want this one. I, no, no, I want that one. And then it can easily explode into screaming and possibly even a full body flop. Right there in the middle of the aisle. You've been in it, or you have seen it, and people start looking at you and you feel their eyes on you and your chest tightens and your mind begins to race. You just want it to stop. So instinct kicks in and you start explaining reasoning. Even pleading, but instead of calming your child down, it just makes things worse and you're confused. Stick with me because in this episode you'll learn why your toddler literally cannot process what you're saying in the middle of that meltdown. What's happening in their brain when they do fall off that emotional cliff? And more importantly. What can you do instead to bring them back to calm in that moment? And if we haven't met before, I'm Erin Hyer. I'm a speech language pathologist with over 35 years of experience in early intervention. I help moms and dads just like you move from overwhelm and uncertainty. To confidence and clarity. I help show what's really going on in your toddler's brain in these early developmental years, and then give you some practical tools so you can take them home and change your life for the better. Last week. We talked about those everyday moments when your toddler just simply ignores you. Even after 3, 4, 5 requests, I shared four keys that can cut down your frustration and help them feel successful first get on their eye level. Second, use a firm but gentle touch to really draw them out and attend to you. Then always use fewer words. And fourth. And most important, stay calm. They pick up on your state of feeling. So those were your foundation, your four key pivotal tools to use. In this episode, we're gonna go a little deeper because when your toddler is in that middle. Or when your toddler is in the middle of a meltdown, there's a lot happening under the surface. Right. Where is his emotional state? What's happening neurologically, because he or she's only 18 months, 24 months, 30 months, and even with their sensory processing abilities at that time. So when you begin to understand how all these pieces fit together, you'll begin to look at a tantrum through a whole different pair of lenses. So first, let's talk about what's actually happening in your toddler's brain when they begin to slip down that slippery slope and the meltdown starts to percolate. Keep in mind in those early years, all toddlers, they're primarily using the right hemisphere to, to process or to engage with this world. And the right hemisphere is predominantly the creative side, the non-verbal communication, that's where social skills start to really. Uh, emerge and, and emotional intuition. Those are all the nonverbal elements to being human and interfacing with other humans, and it's primarily why toddlers thrive with imaginative play or visual processing, as well as experiential learning, and all of that kicks in long before. Their left hemisphere, and that's where that language, logical thinking really starts to wire up. And so I want you to think about this from birth through those, those first several years, and we'll talk about when and where and how. But is primarily would be the right hemisphere. Uh, in the driver's seat. And so here's where I think it's important to highlight that left hemisphere. It doesn't become dominant until closer to six or seven years of age. They need 3, 5, 6 years of building and wiring language in order to really use it, primarily for, for communication, for thinking and reasoning and processing. So a lot is happening in that right hemisphere. To help them learn and navigate without language.'cause think about your three month old and you're eight month old and your 18 month old. They don't have a lot of spoken language, but they're learning at lightning speed. How do they do that? Primarily through this right hemisphere processing system. So don't, don't get confused here where. You know it's the right hemisphere and then it's the left hemisphere. No, both hemispheres are working and growing and learning and developing, but in different capacities. And so one is kind of leading the charge over the other. As that secondary. At this time, the left hemisphere is really building its abilities with spoken language, which are sounds strung together to words and words strung together for phrases and sentences. That takes a lot of manpower to create, so. What does this mean for you in the moment when your, when your toddler starts to melt down, when your toddler is frustrated, they're not going to be able to think in words. The, especially, I know that a lot of parents will start to reason because in a, a more stable state. They could have a conversation with their 2-year-old, right? Oh, do you want some more carrots? Yes, please. Oh, uh, you know, where'd your brother Tommy go? He's upstairs. So. They think that all of this spoken language is readily available and processing in the same timeframes that the adults process, and that's simply not true. They're processing mostly in that right hemisphere, which then includes like your tone of voice. Your facial expressions, your posture, your hand gestures, all of those nonverbal elements to communication that takes a front seat, right? That's a, that's a louder, louder piece of data than your spoken words like we, we. We're gonna leave the store in two minutes. You know, hang, hang in here. we're almost done shopping. It's okay. All of those spoken reasonable requests that you're giving your toddler in the middle of the aisle isn't working. Now, so, so we have to compare the right hemisphere and the left hemisphere and, and how those processing systems are just beginning to emerge or develop at the same time. We have to now look at a thing called the limbic system that kind of sits literally and figuratively on top of all of this, and so. I, I'm trying to paint this picture. So you, as the mom and the dad and the grandparents, the primary caretaker, we can set realistic expectations because when you're eight month old or you're 18 month old, or you're 28 month old, is not getting what you want him or her to do. We have to, we have to be realistic with setting them up to be successful so they can learn in real time. let's take a look at what the limbic system is. This is the emotional control center that we all have, right? It's a whole network of structures. That begin to light up when your toddler or you and me at any given time perceives a threat. Right. this, is primarily of the amygdala, which you may have heard of, but that's the alarm system and that's how they, we handle fear or aggression, right? That that can get triggered. And then you have the hippocampus center, which then add some memory and they. In that moment, a light switch could, can trigger, and they're like, oh, this happened last time we were at the grocery store. Here we go again. What do I do? I just throw myself on the floor and then mom picks me up and gives me what I want. And I'm happy. Right. So, so there's a lot of memory that's being triggered. And then we have the hypothalamus, which stirs in kind of our body, state, our needs. Right. Am I hungry? Am I tired? Did I miss my nap? Am I thirsty? All of those physical needs can lower your ability to process both nonverbal and verbal language, right. And then the, the fourth section of this whole intricate system is the cingulate cortex, which then mixes in emotions and decision making. But in your toddler and your, your young little human being who's 12, 16, 28, even 36 months old, that's not very mature. Right. So our ability to manage our and understand our emotions as well as make critical decisions in the moment is highly, highly under construction with your, with your little one. And so when these parts start to fire, starts to trigger, then it becomes a domino effect. And it happens, as you all know, in a nanosecond. So here's the key that I want parents to really understand.'cause this sometimes we all forget in the moment that this threat. That your, your toddler is beginning to perceive Doesn't have to be a legitimate, dangerous experience. It could be as simple as not being able to push the elevator button, which I watched a meltdown in a nanosecond in the elevator a couple of weeks ago. Or when your toddler has to leave the playground unexpectedly, right? Perhaps we forgot that we and didn't give them enough heads up. Or perhaps, something came up, you got a text, you had to get home. Come on, let's go. That was unexpected, right? Or it could be as simple as getting the wrong cup. At, at lunchtime or in the middle of the grocery store. to you and me, those are all just minor inconveniences. But to your toddler, those disappointments feel like it's a real dangerous. situation, right? Their brain does not distinguish between a lion in the backyard say, and Oh wow. I didn't expect this. I wanted my blue cup, not my yellow one. It all is triggered by something's wrong. Let's hit the panic button. That's where they are developmentally, emotionally, and that dis dysregulation between the right hemisphere and the left hemisphere. At this developmental stage. So by triggering all of this, then they are in survival mode, right? They fight right? They run away down the aisle or they freeze and they just lay there like, you know, a big blob. When the survival mode kicks on, the thinking brain really turns off. And that thinking brain, which is. We know it as the cerebral, right? It's part of the brain that handles reasoning and problem solving memory, and yes, language that really goes offline that that part of the brain that's just starting to grow and develop really gets shut off, So when we start to explain or correct, or ask them, use your words. Their brain literally cannot process that. And to them it's just noise, right? And often that noise will push the meltdown, their emotional lack of stability, even further down the big, dark, black, ugly hole. now let's clear something up that I think can trip Most parents, and I've seen it over and over again, when your toddler begins to melt down, it's not because they're being bad or trying to make your life miserable because they really do want to be. Joyful and, and loving. But what happens is developmentally appropriate, their brain is still under construction, like I say here all the time. Their reasoning is immature. Their language processing is immature. Their emotional regulation is immature, right? So what looks like oppositional behavior, refusing to listen, screaming louder, collapsing on the floor. Is not rebellion. It's their brain saying, I don't know how to handle this right now, or I can't pull my stuff together and handle it. And here's the critical piece. Everyday experiences, good, bad, or indifferent. Our wiring, their levels of threshold, their levels to process and self-regulate. And so with every meltdown, when we meet that with a lot of adult talking, perhaps some scolding, lots of explaining, lots of hand gestures, lots of big facial expressions, their brain is wiring to expect an escalation. Because that's what happened last time, right? So their threshold for stress or unpredictability shrinks lower and lower, and it takes less and less to trigger them. So if meltdowns are then met with more calm presence, that helps them feel. Secure, right, or safe, like I got you with my words, with my body language, with my vibe, and if I use minimal words so I'm not overwhelming them with more noise, their brain begins to wire differently. It's, it's a little smoother. They're able to process that left hemisphere doesn't get totally shut off, and they can hear some words like, I got you. This is okay. We'll get through this. Right? And that threshold, then their ability to tolerate stress or unpredictability grows and expands, and over time they learn. Hmm. I can recover from disappointment. I didn't get to push the elevator button. That's okay. There'll be another opportunity. So the question isn't always, what is my toddler doing? Or why is my toddler acting this way? The real question needs to be, what am I teaching them? Teaching their brain to expect when frustration shows up, what am I showing them? How disappointment can occur and we can be okay with it. And so this I think, ties into something I've shared before. There's a big difference between gentle parenting. And we've talked about this and you've seen it and what I call effective parenting and gentle parenting, at least the way that we often see it portrayed on social media is endless explaining, using soft words and. And as you can see, when I, I paint the science of what's really developmentally happening, neurologically, emotionally, right, with their sensory abilities that your toddler, when they're in that meltdown, literally can't process those words, let alone organize their thoughts and explain to you what what they need, what they need in the moment, right? And so I, I look at those situations. I'm like, there's nothing real gentle about that. I, I just think it's ineffective. And, and even when, Kids will kind of nod or comply, right? Give you a hug, or you know, say you're sorry. They're not processing that. That's literally going in one ear and out the other, or over their head. They're not really learning. So to me, effective parenting is. We stay calm. We are are firm in what our boundaries and our expectations are, but we are not gonna fall apart when they fall apart. Right? It respects what is developmentally appropriate and what's happening, and gives them an opportunity to teach your toddler in real time. How do we recover from disappointment? Right. And so it's not this extreme where we're being harsh, but we're being reactive with what can really help them wire their brain to learn how to do this independently on their own. Perhaps the next time, or in a week from now, or two months from now. So keep in mind when, and I, and I have to repeat this, when, when your toddler does comply in that moment, like I said, shake their head or say you're sorry. They're not really learning that they're, they're learning how to, to. Get along or follow along, but it's not really being learned deeply. Right. and, and that's what you want them to be able to do, to be able to think in real time when the disappointment or the frustration happens again. And, and so I often cringe when I see that on social media and, you know, I just. I have to raise my hand and say, that's not real language processing. That's not real learning. That's not how a 2-year-old or a three-year-old or even a 4-year-old can really grow from that experience. So this is where last week's tools, I think can come full circle. so if we look at appropriate eye level, you know, getting. Down to their level and meeting them where they are, using fewer words, staying calm, how they can work because it bypasses that survival brain, right? The whole limbic system, they create or we can create safety until that left hemisphere, that cerebral the more thinking reasoning side. Can get back online as full as it can. Remember that right hemisphere is still taking the driver's seat. The is still upfront and but, but you want it to be able to work together. So let me share just a couple of, um, real stories that have happened that might give some more life and and reasoning to this. So. I had just finished a 45 minute therapy session with a sweet two and a half little boy, two and a half year old boy, and the mom had watched through the one way mirror. And you know, you might think, oh, okay, it, it's not a big deal. But I always look at it that. It's important to recognize where that child is after 45 minutes. Even with the best toddlers. They've worked hard, right? They've listened to me. They followed direction. Even if we had a lot of laughs, which we typically do, but they had to practice, you know, waiting their turn and thinking and reasoning and engaging, and this is all kind of new processing for them. To me, that's work. And, and moms and dads will often look through that one mirror and a one way mirror and think, oh, they're just playing. They're having fun. And so I, I don't want us just to dismiss that as just play, right. And whether it's, you know, learning how to stack blocks or navigate with me and help me get in their, their physical space, or whether your daughter or son. Is learning how to navigate in the playground or in this case, you know, practicing language skills in real time and learning how to cooperate and all of that, that's work, right? so keep in mind that no matter where they are, that their brains and bodies are always growing, always learning, studying every single minute of the day. And so. You have to recognize how those pieces fit in to the success or failure of any kind of experience, right? So back to the story. the little guy and I walk out of our, our. Treatment room. We walk into the waiting room and mom had a couple clarifying questions and I could see that she wanted to talk to me, which we often do. so her attention was really on me, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw her, a little guy who I just spent 45 minutes with, and I knew that he was tired. he reached up and he took his travel cup and started, rolling around on the ground, drinking it and sipping it. And he was all done with it. There wasn't anything left, and so without thinking, mom just kind of casually took the cup and slipped it back into her backpack that she was holding onto, and that was it. He wasn't done with it. Right. And even if it was empty, like I said, he wanted that sense of control and he was probably in his mind like, that's mine. I'm not finished with it. How dare you put it away or take it from me. Even worse, right? In an instant, he was on the floor. Kicking and screaming and crying. The total full down meltdown, mom looked at me, shocked, totally embarrassed. A always, but I had seen it coming in a nanosecond because again, I try to respect where is this child coming from in that moment, even if it was, 11 o'clock in the morning, right? He had worked hard. He was tired. and he was ready to move on. Not that he needed a nap. Maybe he was hungry, I don't know. what looked like a tantrum was really a combination of fatigue, little frustration, and that false sense of control being taken away from him. So I didn't say a word. I just looked at mom. And I squatted down, you know, he was just kinda rolling on the ground close to him. Gave him a second to feel my presence, right? And then I placed my hand gently, but firmly on his foot. Because they were starting to kick, right, not hard not wildly, but outta control, right? I wanted to to nip it in the bud, but that simple touch really startled him just enough to break that escalation. Here's a little boy that's looking for help, looking for guidance, even though he doesn't know it in his heart of heart, but he's like, I don't wanna lose control. This doesn't feel good to me. But as soon as I gave him that physical contact, like, I got you buddy. He stopped. He stopped kicking. He was still whining, right? And I waited another moment. And then I got his eye contact and I simply said, Hey, what's up? And I waited another moment, I let him get in sync with my breathing and I, I told him in non-verbal communication, everything's okay. And what he did. Was kind of took a deep breath and I said, what do you need? And he pointed to the backpack. So I unzipped it. I opened it up. He reached in, took his cup, grabbed it. I smiled. He smiled. It wasn't like he needed his cup. It was just a trigger that he had had enough in this moment. And so I simply said, oh, you want your cup? I modeled the words that could have helped him, and then he repeated it, I want my cup. He says, he took my lead and just imitated. I shrugged. And I said, yep, I want my cup. I tapped his foot or rubbed it. I smiled. Gave him a thumbs up. He stood up. I stood up. Meltdown was over. He continued to hold onto his cup. I winked at his mom. There was no lecture, no reasoning, no overtalk, just presence, connection, calm. And here's the important part that I think we always have to kind of keep in our forebrain. In that moment, everybody learned something, right? Mom learned to see her son's perspective that, yeah, speech therapy or even playing on the playground or you know, a half a day at preschool or a play date with his best friend, that's all going to be exhausting. Her son learned that he could use his words and get what he wants better than throwing himself on the floor. And I got to model to both of them how we can navigate through this without it escalating, right? To meet him where he is, to use fewer words to be the calm that he's looking for. So always consider the context. Always remember what's been asked of them that day. Our toddlers are under construction, right? They're immature. They're working on it. They're working on it, right? And every single minute, even if it just looks like play to you and me, it's work to them. So now let's, let's just talk about what happens in those public meltdowns, right? Like I described in the beginning, in that grocery store. Or it could be at the, at the park, or it could be, at a birthday party. Here's the thing, meltdowns can build slowly. Like a storm that you can kind of see coming, With a little whining, a little nagging, maybe a tug, or they can come outta nowhere, right? A trigger in a heartbeat and boom. One moment, your, your toddler is fine, and the next they're wailing, in the middle of the aisle, you know, demanding candy or throwing a fit or whatever the scenario is, you've either witnessed it or been in the middle of it. And for us as parents, that public setting makes it so much harder. We have to be honest, right? When eyes are on us or strangers are watching we want to stop it right then and there. We, we feel vulnerable. We feel, you know, embarrassed or whatever the feelings are like, oh my goodness, he's gonna lose it and I don't know how to handle it. That pressure often pushes us to talk more, to negotiate, to explain, to be reasonable. But that doesn't always help. Like I explained earlier. Negotiating doesn't work when their brains are offline and handing them a screen that doesn't teach regulation, right? It teaches avoidance or giving them what they really wanted, right? The candy or the cookie or the package of whatever, that doesn't help. So screens or, or devices. or the treat can stop that moment, but they don't build any skill for next time. And remember, that's what we're building here, learning experiences. So the best piece of advice I can give is to plan ahead, and this is one of the things that I've taught parents hundreds of times over the years. Before you walk in, think about your child's state of mind right then and there, their stamina. Is this a quick five minute or, or five item trip, or is it the full week's shopping list? And use the best. That you can to decide ahead what is realistic for him or her to handle and you to handle. Right? And sometimes we're in these awkward places and we need, you know, 20 items and they're just, in, in emotional state. then you have to pull them into the process. And that's the second big piece of, advice or, tool that you could use, right? To give them a role. Let them carry the list and write, check things off. Let them pick the green apples versus the red apples. Or choose which bread, loaf of bread is bigger. You know, you're teaching them language at the same time that you're getting them involved. So if we can pull them into the process instead of making them a bystander, that way the trip becomes more cooperative instead of combative. And we talk about this ahead of time, you talk about it when you're leaving the house. You talk about it when you're in the car. You know you we're in this together, you're, you and I are a team, right? We're gonna, we're gonna hunt for, these five items on our list or these 20 items, right? But sometimes the only option is to leave. And you have to be willing and okay to do that. Like this isn't working for us right now. But I feel like the best piece of advice I can give any family is that there are so many ways that we could set our toddlers up for success in the grocery store, because I think that is one of the best learning environments. I'm actually creating a whole episode and, and I'll be sharing specific strategies, but the, the two biggest takeaways here is to plan ahead and to see how you can pull them into the process to make it more cooperative and less combative. But I do want to think of kind of a sneak peek into what will eventually come, that I'm creating shorter episodes. on Thursdays. And it's a private space where, I'll. Dive deeper into one, maybe one tool or one strategy, such as grocery shopping, right? It'll be 15 minutes or less, something that you can really pull from and, and implement right away. But for now, remember this, whether this tantrum builds slowly or explodes in your face in a heartbeat, your job in public is the same as your job at home. And that's hard, right? We have to stay calm, we have to stay grounded. And through this, you get to stay the teacher, you get to stay his or her guide, right? You are his or her anchor, So let's bring this full circle for this episode. In the waiting room, we saw how. Simple, nonchalant move, right? Mom slipping the cup into the backpack was enough to send this little boy who just worked really hard. He was tired enough to push him over the edge, right? But with calm presence, just a few words like what's up and a gentle touch to, to get him disengaged in his escalation. We were able to turn that moment around and that. Was a great opportunity for me to model with mom and then the grocery store scene, that can just be the opposite of the whole spectrum, That because of our, feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty, that can just escalate And we don't know what to do, right? But in either situation, the answer isn't for you to talk more or to negotiate or to hand them, you know, the treat or the screen. Like I said, that's not teaching them anything and it's not teaching you anything either. So try your best to plan ahead, to engage with them, in the process of getting ready, oh, look here's our shopping list. You hold onto it. You are, the, the director. Right, and you stay grounded and you remember that your child's trust in you matters far more than what strangers in the aisle think, right? Because you're never gonna see them again, Whether it's, you know, a private meltdown, you know, trying to get out the door, or in your speech therapist, uh, waiting room, or out public, the principles are the same, right? When your toddler flips into survival mode, their brain cannot process your words, period. But what they can process is how you help them feel through effective redirection, right. Keeping their threshold, intact. Right? And that builds resilience, that builds, a sense of security. And to me, that's. Effective parenting. That's how you help your toddler understand, recover, learn, and grow without turning a five minute challenge into a 35 minute meltdown marathon. And remember, our kids don't need perfect parents. They need calm, grounded, effective parents who really understand and respect what's going on developmentally in their brain, their emotional regulation. so until next time remember to play, talk, and eat. With your toddler every day.