Why Your Toddler Isn’t Listening Yet (And What Actually Builds It) Ep 141

If you’ve ever wondered “Why won’t my toddler listen?” — this episode is for you.

Many parents assume listening is a behavior problem.

But developmentally, listening is a brain skill — one that takes time, guidance, and the right conditions to grow.

In this episode, Erin Hyer — a speech-language pathologist with over 35 years of early intervention and real-life experience — explains why toddlers often can’t listen yet, even when they seem capable in other ways. And why yelling, repeating, or getting firmer usually backfires.

You’ll learn:

• Why listening is not the same as obedience
• How regulation, receptive language, and shared attention all affect listening
• Why cooperation comes before talking — not the other way around
• What parents often miss when toddlers appear “defiant”
• How everyday moments (not techniques) build listening skills over time

Erin also walks through practical, brain-based strategies that support listening and understanding, including:

• Turn-taking and shared engagement
• Including toddlers in everyday chores
• Explaining the “why” to build comprehension
• Using simple choices to reduce overwhelm and increase cooperation

This episode isn’t about quick fixes or lowering expectations.

It’s about understanding what your toddler’s brain is capable of right now — and how to guide them toward what comes next.

Because listening is built.

Understanding comes first.

And parenting was never meant to be done alone.

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How to Get Your Toddler Talking: 3 Daily Routines That Build Real Words

✨ LIVE PARENT WORKSHOP — February 13, 2026

If you’ve ever wondered “Am I doing enough?” or “Am I missing something important?” — this workshop will help you feel more grounded and confident.

👉 Learn more and register here: [Workshop Link Here]

If you want clarity, confidence, and a practical plan to support your child’s communication from infancy through 30 months… you’ll want to be there.

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DISCLAIMER:

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always consult your pediatrician or a qualified health provider with questions about your child’s development or health. The views shared are based on Erin Hyer’s professional experience and are intended to support informed parenting, not to replace individual consultation or care. Every child and family is unique — please use your discretion and consult trusted professionals when making decisions for your child.

📩 Questions: contact@HyerLearning.com
 🌐 www.HyerLearning.com

Transcript

Erin 0:00

You have to exercise these muscles, and I know a lot of kids will do this naturally. But a lot of kids need help nowadays, not because they're broken, not because you've failed, but because a world is busy and noisy and active and there's a lot of demands, and we're expecting two and three year olds to do what five and six year olds do. Hello and welcome to Talking Toddlers where I share more than just tips and tricks on how to reduce tantrums or build your toddler's vocabulary. our goal is to develop clarity because in this modern world, it's truly overwhelming. This podcast is about empowering moms to know the difference between fact and fiction, to never give up, to tap into everyday activities, so your child stays on track. He's not falling behind, he's thriving. Through your guidance, we know that true learning starts at home. So let's get started. If you've ever found yourself saying, why doesn't he listen, or, I don't want to yell, but nothing else works. This episode is for you because here's what most parents have never been told. Your toddler isn't ignoring you. They're struggling to process what you are asking in real time, in real life, listening isn't a behavioral problem. It's a developmental skill and that skill isn't built yet, therefore, no amount of pressure will make it appear. Toddlers resist when they don't understand. They resist when their nervous system is overwhelmed or they resist when the world feels unpredictable. And when that happens, cooperation falls apart and speech often falls apart. Right along with it. Today I'm gonna show you something different, not how to get your kid to comply, but how listening is actually built. We're gonna walk through why listening comes before cooperation. Why cooperation supports talking and the everyday strategies that build all three. Because when toddlers understand their role, when they feel capable, and then when they have some control within clear boundaries, all under your guidance, they cooperate. And when they cooperate, language grows. So welcome. To talking toddlers. If you're new here, I'm really glad that you found us, and if you're coming back, thank you because I know how full your days are and these early years really matter. And just so you know where I'm coming from, after more than 35 years of early intervention in real life with real families, when a parent says to me, my toddler isn't listening. I don't hear defiance. I hear a brain that can't yet keep up with the demands that are being placed on it. So let's first start with defining what listening actually is in these toddler years. Remember, we're talking about a one and a half year old, a 2-year-old, a 3-year-old when they're five and six and seven. That's a different age group. And so let's first look at where your child is, and I'll show you then how it's actually built. Listening is not the same thing as obedience. We tend to interchange those words, but developmentally they're not the same at all. Listening is not compliance. Listening is not do what I said the first time, and listening isn't even proof of respect. Listening is a brain skill. It requires receptive language processing, the ability to understand words and their meanings, and it requires regulation. A nervous system that's calm enough to take in that information. And then it requires shared attention, staying connected long enough for that information to land in that moment with you. And all of those systems are still very much under construction in those toddler years. And when we expect finished skills from an unfinished system. Frustration is almost inevitable when listening is shaky. Cooperation's shaky, follow through will be inconsistent, and yes, speech will often be affected because children cannot comply with or follow through on or even say what they don't yet understand. And so I want you to take a moment and think about that. What their nervous system can't organize, they can't process, and therefore they don't really understand and can't follow through. That's the missing piece for so many families with this age group. I have seen it for decades and I continue to see it with the families that I work. One-on-one or in my small groups, and when no one has ever explained this to you. When parents are reacting to behavior without understanding the developmental skills, underneath a very predictable stress response shows up. Here's what typically happens in homes every day. And it happens with well loving, well-intentioned parents just like you. You see the not listening. You see the meltdown, you see the refusal, the running away, the pushing or throwing, ignoring, and naturally you react to what you see. You raise your voice, you repeat yourself. You get firmer. You shake your hand or in your head you feel frustrated, even defeated. But those behaviors are not the root problem. They're the byproduct. They're the outcome or the signals that doesn't show that you are failing or they're her, his, he or she are failing. It shows that you're expecting something that isn't developmentally ready, And one of the biggest reasons parents get stuck here is something we almost never talk about. We unintentionally skip an entire developmental chapter. We move from the innocent newborn to his or her first steps, or to his or her first few words that first year, 12 months, and then all of a sudden. Without realizing it. We expect understanding that simply isn't there yet. We celebrate walking and movement and independence, and we celebrate talking. Oh my gosh. They have 10 words, 20 words, 50 words, but we assume thinking and reasoning has caught up. But neurologically, that's just not how development works. Large portions of your toddler's brain are still under construction. Actually, the vast majority of it is it's, it's wiring up and they're just starting to communicate with one another, but especially the areas that are responsible for processing spoken language that left hemisphere managing impulse, that frontal lobe. Understanding cause and effect, pulling information and and experience from long-term memory, building relationships and then regulating emotions are just beginning to tap online. So when your toddler climbs on the counter for the umpteenth time or pushes a playmate, throws food on the floor. That's not a moral or personal failure. Yeah, that's not proof that they know better and they just simply don't care. They're being rude. No, it's evidence of an unfinished wiring system. We are often asking your toddler to demonstrate skills that belong to a much later stage of development. An older child, an older toddler, a preschooler, or a kindergartner, and then we feel frustrated. When they can't deliver, and this is no fault of you or any parent or any grandparent because you don't understand. You haven't experienced this yet, you haven't dove deep into why is my toddler acting out? Why can't he follow directions? This brings us to the core principle that I think is underneath everything we talk about here today, and in most of my episodes. If there's one idea I want you to carry away with you today after listening to this, is this, when toddlers understand their role, when they feel capable, and when they have some sense of control within your boundaries. They cooperate. When they cooperate, they learn, and when they learn, language grows. That's how humans develop, not through fear or pressure, not through yelling, not through timeouts or threats, and not through blind compliance, but through understanding. It's a process. So today I wanna walk through how listening is built over time. It's not demanded and it doesn't just show up. And we'll do this by using three foundational strategies that I, I really feel highlight the most critical pieces, and then I'll throw in a bonus one that I can't be overlooked, right? All of these directly support auditory processing, which is the native language being coded and understood. Then receptive language, really taking it in and understanding how to use it in real time, self-regulation, and then eventually spoken speech on their part. They're responding you or responding to you and with you through a lot of nonverbal behavioral, and speech comes online after a lot of this is wired up and structured so. If listening has to be built, like I just said, not demanded, then the, the real question becomes this. Where does that actually begin? Or how does that begin? Right? So let's walk through these strategies and you'll see how the pieces connect. So the first one is turn taking. And turn taking is where I think listening really starts to connect for your little one and you in, in real life, every day right before toddlers can listen to your instructions, right, and process them. They have to learn how to stay in this social exchange, in this dyad of conversation. That's really what listening is. At this age, I'm in it. Right. It's not about being obedient or even quickly following through on command, but the ability to remain engaged long enough for the language, for the information to, to be landed right, to to be taken in and processed. So they have to be in it with you. And turn taking is where all of this begins, and it's very, very concrete and basic at this ti at this level. I'm not talking about turn taking in games that has rules and all of that, but the rhythm of back and forth, because that's what social communication is. I speak, you, listen, you speak, I listen. We go back and forth. Sometimes we interrupt one another, but that's the flow, right? I do something. When we're playing or fixing lunch or getting ready for bed, I do something. You notice and you respond, and then I respond back. This rhythm teaches the brain about timing, about anticipation, about waiting, connecting. Attention with another, and then that builds emotional regulation. 'cause they know that it's a, it's a process. So from a neurodevelopmental perspective, turn taking strengthens auditory attention, right? Because hopefully we're talking and doing things with them. It also strengthens their working memory. Oh, I've done this before. Oh, I've heard those words before. And then we, we practice over and over again and processing speed gets better and better, gets honed in. And of course, they're sequencing. They understand, oh, I wash up and brush my teeth before I put on my PJs before I go to bed. So all of those skills, auditory attention, working, memory processing, speed sequencing, all of those are required for full-blown listening later on. So if your child struggles to follow directions, what we often see underneath. Is difficulty holding information in their brain, right? There's just beginning to understand how these parts fit together. We often see that they have difficulty tracking the verbal input, right? You're talking too fast. You're using words I'm not familiar with. I, I can only hold one step at a time. Uh, and they're also struggling with staying regulated for long enough sections, right? And so if we want them to listen and follow through to directions or stories or, or tasks for the day, we have to build all of these higher order language processing skills beforehand. So turn taking is the rehearsal space for all of that. This is why when, when we look back at what do we do with our babies and our early toddlers games like Peek Boo or most of those nursery rhymes that you play over and over again, imitation tasks, movement, play, they're not extra. They're not just because it brings joy to your heart or smiles to their faces or giggles. All of that is pure love and joy. But it's wiring, right? This is their precursor practice for listening. And when that practice is inconsistent or missing, uh, in some cases, right then listening later on feels hard. It's an uphill battle. 'cause I haven't, I haven't exercised those muscles and built those, those pathways strong enough. Yet. So I want to share a story that brings all of this to life and it, it, it was a family that I worked with just a couple of years ago and I had the privilege of working with this family that, uh, had two children that some people refer to as Irish twins. They were probably less than 11 months apart, but the mom and dad and the two kids and the grandparents were working together. Trying to improve their lifestyle, right? And, and to get the kids more in line. And they were truly loving and committed. They were trying all kinds of things. They've been given, you know, advice and, and gone to different kinds of therapists. But by the time I reached them, they were pretty exhausted. All of them, the kids and the grandparents, and, and both parents. The truth is they had had several moves from the west coast to the east coast and the East coast to the west coast, um, which then also meant that the kids had gone to several different daycare situations also at home. And, and all of this. They were long working hours with both mom and dad, and that's why they decided to kind of settle in one place and have the grandparents step in and, and, and build some continuity for everybody, right? Because there was. The, the first hallmark that we all recognized was there was little consistency, not because they didn't care or because they weren't trying, but life got complicated and hard and it started moving fast and, and they thought, you know, with babies, they were just gonna wing it. But by the time they came to me, both kids were. A little over the top right. They were extremely active. They were eager and curious. They were very verbal, but they were hard to understand. So they talked a lot. But part of the problem was that this two and a half and 3-year-old were highly unin. Unintelligible. Right? Not a lot of people really understood their speech, and so everybody at this time were focused on their speech, their articulation I, I remember dad saying, oh, they talk all the time, but we can't understand them. And Grandpapa was frustrated as saying, you know, he doesn't follow directions or they just seem kind of defiant. And, and they got a lot of feedback from different school settings that said, that are just hard to manage. and it was even to the point where one school setting actually was pushing the consideration of an autism diagnosis. And at, from my perspective clinically, that wasn't even close. And, and that's for a different conversation. But these kids were engaged and they were trying, and they had a lot of rich language and they didn't fit autism at all, but I don't think the school really understood what was going on. And so they were just trying to find a label that fit. But what struck me immediately was that. These kids really were trying, and they weren't disconnected, they weren't withdrawn, they weren't defiant, they were full of a lot of energy and it was exhausting to be around them, but they were incredibly bright and motivated, but in a nutshell, they weren't available to learn. Because so much was going on cognitively and in their whole bodies, and that's the phrase that I want you to hold onto today. They weren't available to learn because availability is not about intelligence or effort or even capability. It's about regulation. Their nervous systems were constantly on high alert. They couldn't settle in to the present moment to learn. So before we talked about their speech or their articulation, before we talked about even them listening and following through with directions, we had to stabilize the environment. And so we started with things that were fairly in our control. We started to build predictable morning and evening routines. We reduced the chaos where we could. We removed the screens because although that could pacify them in a crazy moment, it didn't. It made situations worse on the other side. So we created consistency, which brought a sense of grounding to everybody. So there was a sense of predictability and security. And because if your child's nervous system is not grounded, is not regulated, they can't listen. Even if they know the words, even if they're smart and capable, even if they did it yesterday, if today they're dysregulated, they can't process it. So we also made intentional changes with their food, focusing on simple single ingredient foods that supported regulation right in a steady state of energy. Not a lot of spikes and crashes. Right. And I wanna pause here for just a moment because I think this matters more than most parents realize, and it matters more than we all really want to admit, because food and nutrition and all of that is the personal choices. But I just want to shine some light here. The gut is not just about digestion. It plays a major role in our regulation, our mood, our sleep, and our stress levels, all of which directly affects a young developing child, building their listening and learning skills. The gut and the brain are in constant communication through the vagus nerve. Which you can think of the vagus nerve as this two-way messaging system, or some people refer to it as a two-way highway, right between the body, the whole body, and the brain. And when the body feels calm, nourished, regulated, and safe and secure, then the brain is more available to listen and process and learn. But when anybody's body, again, a young toddler who's just coming into this when their body is stressed or under arrested, right? They had a poor night or dysregulated sleep, the brain shifts into a survival mode and listening drops offline. They can't, they can't. This is why a, a dysregulated body cannot support a listening brain. So when your child is always on the go and move, move, move, and oh, he's just a high strung kid, or, you know, he's more of a physical learner than a cognitive learner. We have to understand how those two parts work together and fit together. So even kids who know the words, like I said, or did it yesterday or last week, and they're not doing it this week, how? How's their sleep? How's their nutrition? How's their social engagement? All of these are fitting their sense of regulation. That's that core security. And, and hear me when I say this. I don't expect parents to understand all of this biology behind, you know, the vagus nerve and the gut and the microbiome and how it feeds the brain and all of this. That's not my job, that's not my responsibility, but I want you to respect the big picture. And we can't talk about listening or speaking or following directions or any of that without looking at all of the pieces that literally support that. So our children's bodies are incredibly resilient. We hear that all the time. However, they're also incredibly sensitive. And so that means our everyday lifestyle choices, sleep patterns, food rhythm, predictability, routines, they all matter far more than most parenting advice acknowledges out there if they matter for you and me when we're in our thirties or forties or fifties or sixties or beyond. Of course they matter with your babies and toddlers. So they need us to create environments that support that nervous system, not constantly test it. When we're looking for consistency, we have to start there. And the good news is we can start with those pillars that are fully in your control, right? Bedtime routines. Nutrient dense foods, getting sunlight in the morning and in the evening. Movement, building natural routines. We don't have to do it all at once, but we can focus on, what can I do today? What can I do this week? Because back to these Irish twins, these adorable children, once their bodies felt safer and more predictable. Then their brains had room to engage. They had room to listen and process and think and wonder. Then we were ready to move into active listening through natural play and natural engagement. These kids loved to build things, so we started with something that was highly motivating for them. We used magnetic tiles, Legos, Lincoln logs, and, and I looked at this and I thought, well, this is great because this is open-ended play where they could create, they had a sense of control. They could build their independence at the same time. They could play side by side. So there wasn't competition 'cause there was a lot of that going on. Right. But they could share it and we could also build alongside with them, right? There was plenty to go around, but over time and through modeling, the parents and the grandparents began to shift their style, the way that they guided these beautiful kids. Right. They, they, they reduced the rushing of directions and putting demands on them. They played with them. They shared the meals with them, which be became their anchor, right? Things became more calm and predictable. They were still high energy kids. They were still incredibly curious. But they had a lot of connection and predictability and, and their social engagement became richer and more mature. And yeah, in the beginning, and this was hard, I had to really convince the family that their, because their speech was still hard to understand at a lot of those times. But I also highlighted when they were in that regulated state. They were noticeably clearer with their speech because I felt like they were calm, so they had better control over these fine articulators, right? But it was also within context. So we, the listener, their communicative partners, we could understand more. We could associate it with whatever we were doing. We could change the pace and. At the same time, the kids were more available because of their, their better self-regulation, and so then they could repeat or self-correct their own speech and didn't feel frustrated, If, if things, if we misunderstood them, they were emotionally available to go back and correct it. And, and no, I didn't mean that. I meant this, this, and this, and yet it took a while, several weeks. And this is important, I think, to really highlight. After several weeks of regulation and shared engagement, then we stepped into things that were more purposeful listening games more before we, we looked at the environment, we looked at what everybody's going to do throughout their daily routine. Then we built in. More natural listening games and we started very easy, very concrete, and we slowed things down, but we did things like ring around the rosy head, shoulders, knees, and toes, hokey pokey, right where they could listen and follow and do with us. Then I always, after those nursery rhymes and, and, and those games where they get used to doing things together. Then I introduce Simon says, but at a very simplified level first, and I've taught hundreds of families over the years, and even in my one-to-one coaching, as of, this year I'm teaching this and, and. it's not, the elementary school age of Simon says it's everybody does what Simon says. Simon is the leader, It's okay to also look around, look at dad, or look at your sister. What are they doing? Follow their lead. Imitation is encouraged because when they're imitating us, they're paying attention, they're engaged. So you say things like Simon says. Touch your nose and you wait between each phrase, Simon says, turn around, and then you wait. That's active listening, right? The cue is Simon says, sit down and giving those cues. Turns that switch, and then after several days or several weeks, depending on your family, depending on your style, then you can add more layered language, what we call complexity, You can say, Simon says Clap three times, which is different than Simon says, clap three times. You change the pace of your direction. Right. Simon says, pause, clap three times and then you can build it to more and more complex things. Simon says, before you raise your hand, look up. That's more language, more load. But as we. Introduce these games. I always set the stage right before each direction. I would say, okay, put on your listening ears. Look around. Look at me. Get ready to listen. You have to exercise these muscles, and I know a lot of kids will do this naturally. But a lot of kids need help nowadays, not because they're broken, not because you've failed, but because a world is busy and noisy and active and there's a lot of demands, and we're expecting two and three year olds to do what five and six year olds do. And those pauses, getting them ready to listen really matters. Their body settles in. Right. It prepares that anticipation. It teaches what listening feels like, and that's why when you give these pregnant pauses, this white space, they can feel it, not to make them anxious, but just enough to say, ah, ready. And here's what the biggest aha. I think everyone in that family and I worked with these folks for maybe six, seven months, and they really came a long, long way. At first, these children struggled with very simple directions, and because they were smart, they were clever, and they built these elaborate things and they did these elaborate thought processes, right? And they talked a lot. They were just highly unintelligible. But they, but parents, the grandparents, and the parents didn't understand how much work it took for them to process and understand spoken language. And so in, in real time too. And, and I think the shift was, especially when we got to Simon says the parents were able to see and understand for the first time how much effort it took for them to really process and, and understand. Because they knew what the words were, they even knew what the phrases were. But to do it in real time, volitionally, I give a directive, you follow through. And they couldn't do that when their nervous systems were too stressed to listen on purpose. Or in some cases, like these kids had a lot of energy, o other cases, kids will just kind of be quiet and play by themselves and be happy and, and kind of tune this all out because it's too much noise for them. But in this particular situation, once we exercise the skill of getting ready to listen, preparing the body and the brain, things started to shift. And what we really saw was then it began to generalize into their everyday life. Being able to help, with the meals or with the chores and being able to do stuff and get directions at the same time. But the practice. In the calm state helped, the calm states, like sharing meals or when you're driving in the car you can talk to them. Or when they're taking a bath, you can talk with them reading a book or if they're coloring, you can have that language. And that's what we started in the very beginning when they were building with the Legos and the magnetic tiles. I would ask them simple questions about what they're building or this piece versus that piece, or can I use, show me how to use this piece so the language was uncomplicated while they were in a resting state. And all of that practice help build and integrate those two skill processing systems, those two skills. And that's why I want so badly. For you, the parents today, to build this early on so you don't have to go back later on when they're three and four and rebuild it. Do it from the get go, right? Be proactive and preventive. Taking turns, build the ability to stay engaged and and expand that social exchange, but staying regulated. And cooperative in daily life requires a little bit more too, right? And so the, the second strategy here is one, I think that's deeply underestimated. We talk a lot about it here. I see it online and it's cute, but it's so much more than that. When your toddler can participate in everyday household task or you know, sharing in chores, they're not really helping you in the adult sense. You know this to be true, right? They're not helping really to wash the dishes or do the laundry, but what it's helping them is building that those brain processing systems. Truth be told, pretty much everything I share here in all of these episodes is about building the brain, 'cause that's how language social communication learning is processed. When your child puts groceries away with you or wipes the table or sorts the laundry, they're receiving language in context with you. Real words tied to real actions with real meaning. They're learning categories, sequencing, cause and effect, relationships, organization, but just as important. They're also learning emotional and social connection. Right? I belong here. I contributed. I matter. She thinks I'm important cleaning the house or doing these chores, that's important to her, and she's including me in this. That's a sense of belonging. That lowers resistance. A child who feels included is more regulated and then a regulated child listens better because what? They're more available. Like I said five minutes ago, when children feel capable, cooperation increases, not because they're being controlled, but because they understand their role and that matters immeasurably at this age, that understanding is fertile ground for language to blossom. I know it takes more effort on your part and it slows things down and sometimes it's more messy and you have to repeat and you have to go back and redo and, and honestly, you know, finding energy for you to figure out even how to include them sometimes is just like, you know, I can't do it. So I'm not talking about 24 7 or all the time. but sometimes we have to accept not finishing the task and recognize that accidents will happen, right? They, they spill the soap or knock over the potted plant or mix up dirty and clean clothes and, and you wanna pull your hair out. So you have to pick these activities to do with them consistently. Not 24 7 like I said, but, I want you to just take a moment. If you can imagine, you know, your future self and your future family, Seeing your 7-year-old as this independent capable child who can set the table or help you truly meal prep, vacuum. Right. Go out and get the mail or sweep up something that he spilled or make his bed. All of that is very possible for a 7-year-old, but only if he understands his self-worth and that he feels capable and connected with his family. Then he learns how all these parts fit together and he wants to contribute. He doesn't just wake up at seven and say, okay, you know, I'm independent. I'm gonna do this. It takes a lot on your part, and I know I'm asking a lot, but in this modern day, that's what we have to do on a very cognizant level because once children, all children feel included and capable, the next layer is understanding why things happen the way that they do. So first you have to include them and emotionally get them to buy in. And then as you do this more and more, you give them the explanation, the reason behind, because a 2-year-old and even a, you know, young 3-year-old doesn't understand the concept of why. But you have done it together enough that you can build that understanding. And I, and I think that this is another place where parents can unintentionally get stuck, because what I've heard over the years is parents can fall into one of two extremes. Either we assume toddlers understand more than they do. And that happens often or we assume that they can't understand yet, so I'm not even going to explain it. And both extremes, miss the mark, miss the opportunity. Right? Toddlers are absolutely capable of building their understanding When we use simple age appropriate concrete language, repeat it. In meaningful context, let them feel it, do it, explore it. Explaining the why behind those rules isn't about convincing your toddler to behave. It's more about building that comprehension, that understanding. We don't want to necessarily. shame them into doing something. We want them to want to do it the right way, Comprehension is the foundation to more sophisticated learning and processing. When children understand what's happening, what's expected. And what comes next, their resistance drops not because they feel controlled and they have to, but because the world makes sense, This is how we build all of those language components, cause and effect and association and organization, right? We tell them through age appropriate language, we brush our teeth to make them strong, to keep them healthy. Right. They're not sick, they're not hurt. Whatever terms you think is appropriate for your child at that time, if you throw food, then you're done eating. That's that cause and effect. First we get dressed, then we can go outside, right? Yes. You wanna go outside? We have to get dressed first. When we clean up our toys, we can find them tomorrow. And so tomorrow when you find your toys in the right place, in the right box, oh look, you're exactly where you belong. This is your home, your bed. Now I can find my favorite, figurines or train sets or dollies, and I think in the kitchen is a beautiful place to build these skills, There's so much rich language and learning and opportunities. We mix the wet ingredients first, then we mix the dry ingredients, and then we stir them together. We keep stirring until it's smooth, no lumps. That makes it yummy. You're teaching these concepts in real time, wet and dry. Smooth, lumpy before, after we do this, here's the result, The key here is what we often label as defiance is usually a byproduct or an end result of lack of understanding. Or feeling misunderstood or a sense of, you know, lack of control. and then they are driven by their immediate need for gratification. All of that 2-year-old social, emotional needs. And, and when we really peel back the truth in this, that's survival. And that's what an average 2-year-old will do. He just wants to feel good or she. But that survival mode, we want to expand that into richness and learning. When toddlers don't understand, their nervous system takes over and they, they listen even less. But when we demonstrate. Or model or create associations through language and action, that understanding grows their, their language comprehension is still building, but they've seen it, they felt it. They're putting it together with language. And when that happens, cooperation follows. So keep in mind that even with a 2-year-old and a new 3-year-old language, like I said, is still pretty spotty. So don't just rely on your words. They learn best through demonstration, inclusion, lots of patience, redirection, right? Modeling and guidance, all of that. And that's reinforced when we smile. When we shrug our shoulders, if they, you know, drop something and make a mess on the floor, right? We nod our head, our tone and our touch. All of that is reinforcing at the same time that we're speaking these words and showing them, so they're connecting the words and the actions and the feelings in real time. You know, uhoh, you make a mess. Okay, well now we have to stop what we're doing and clean it up. Right. It's not a bad thing, it's just the cause and effect. We made a mess. Let's clean it up, right? All of this takes time. I know that. And small steps will lead to huge growth. there's one more support that I want to add here because. I think even when we have some good explanations that's simple and concrete and age appropriate, toddlers can often still feel overwhelmed, especially if we fall into the trap of talking too much, which we all do from time to time. But I wanted to give this bonus strategy because often again, it's misunderstood. But when we can reduce some of that language and we give them choices. Then we reduce that cognitive load. and then they feel they're not being told all day, every day. Right. And they're actually. turning on their thinking power by saying, oh, give me two choices, then I have to stop and think and, and pick one. and like I said earlier, if they're feeling stressed or overwhelmed, then they're not going to, cooperate and be present with you. Right? Cho make giving them choices simplifies. That it sets the stage for keeping things moving forward, feeling successful and keeping their emotions grounded They feel like they have a say and that they get to practice that, I assure you small language shifts. Through your daily activities can change everything. So select one task. is it getting dressed in the morning? Is it, you know, getting ready for bed, getting out the door, which is really weighing heavy on you. How can you break it down into small steps, how can you help them feel? And find more autonomy in this task. Right? Provide concrete steps first, next, last, do it with him. Share in that learning process. And if we zoom out and look at everything that we've talked about today, I, I hope you see this clear pattern because if your toddler is struggling to listen. Or cooperate to follow through. These are the three plus the bonus places to start. First look at turn taking, because that builds attention and, and the precursor to listening. Listening doesn't begin with you giving them instructions. It begins with shared rhythm, that back and forth. Interaction, staying engaged long enough for them to process information for it to land. And then, you know, like even simple things, I wash my hands, you wash your hands, all of that. Turn taking the second is chores. Because chores build understanding and regulation because they're feeling included in real life and that teaches language. In context. And the more they build that language understanding and, and the more they feel belong and and able, then it lowers their resistance, right? Because they're beginning to understand their role in this family. They're not the baby anymore, right? But they're not like six or seven either. Where do I fit in this? And then the third one is giving them concrete explanations, because that will help the comprehension of whatever you're doing, right? Not building compliance, but really we explain to help your toddler understand how the world works, not to persuade them to behave. We want to build their understanding and understanding always comes. Before cooperation. And the bonus that ties all of this together I think, is when can we reduce some of the cognitive demand? And we can do that by giving them choices. Not all the time, but sometimes. And even, and this is very helpful when, when you're feeling most stressed too and you just wanna get to it, right? Get dressed or get out the door, fewer words for you and them. Clear options. Share some of the control within your boundaries, reduces the brain overwhelm, and then they listen better. This is how listening develops over time. This is how cooperation grows, and this is how language emerges. Not through pressure or demands, but through understanding. And we ha and we can only help them build that understanding through real life inclusion. If this episode has helped you see your child differently or more importantly, I think, help you see how your parenting differently, but when you look at your parent or look at your child, don't see them as being resistant. See them as being under construction. you're working together the best you guys can. So sometimes it's best just to step back and say, okay, how can I tweak this? And if you want guidance, learning how to intentionally build, listening and understanding early language through everyday routines, that's exactly what we work on together. when I work in my small groups, my one-to-one, we don't start with words. We always start with the brain that has to process them. And it's not intelligence. It's building those neural networks, those pathways, those highways to process information. So please look at it as you're not failing as a parent. Your child isn't broken. This stage was never meant to be navigated alone. Right. But I think once you begin to understand. And they begin to understand, then everything changes, So if this episode resonated with you, if you are realizing that your toddler doesn't need more correction, but more guidance, and you're not sure how to do that, then I want to invite you to take a next step with me. On February 13th, I'm hosting a live workshop specifically for parents of babies and toddlers who want the following things. How can I build listening? Before cooperation, right? How do I support understanding before speech? And then how do I learn how to guide my child through everyday routines without feeling frustrated and yelling or losing my patience, right? Getting sucked into power struggles. This workshop isn't about techniques or scripts, that's all over the internet. It really is about learning how to work with your child's developing brain, using everyday activities, if you've ever thought, I just wanna understand what my child actually needs right now. This workshop is for you. You'll find all the details in the show notes down below of, I would love to spend that time with you and help you feel more confident, right? More grounded as a parent and more clear about how you lead your child through the stage in these stages. 'cause many stages are happening at the same time, and listening can be built. It's the only way. Understanding can be developed over time and parenting doesn't really have to feel this hard. So thank you for spending your time with me. As always, I look forward to working with you and I'll see you in the next talking toddlers.