Honest Feedback

Is This a Date?! How to Stop Second-Guessing and Actually Enjoy Queer Dating

• Goddess Brittney King & Lisset King • Season 4

Share episode

What do you do when you’re hanging out with someone… and suddenly realize you have no idea if you’re on a date?
Welcome to queer dating culture—where vibes are strong, signals are subtle, and sometimes you accidentally start dating someone without either of you realizing.

In this hilarious, heartfelt episode, Goddess Brittney King and Lisset King unpack a listener question about “How do I know if this is a date?”—especially when dating women, femmes, and gender-expansive cuties.

We explore everything from the confusion of mixed signals, to the art of curiosity, to the single greatest dating tool adults rarely use: clear communication.

If you’ve ever wondered…

“Are we flirting?”
 “Are they into me?”
 “Is this romantic or just queer friendship intimacy?”
 …this episode is basically your new survival guide.

If this conversation lights you up, tap follow, share it with someone who needs dating clarity, and leave a quick review.

💌 Ask Us Anything

Want your question featured next?
 Call 971-895-4111 or DM us on Instagram @honestfeedbackpodcast.

🔗 Work With Us / Explore More

Honest Feedback was created by Brittney King and Lisset King.

Note: Honest Feedback Podcast aims to provide insights and provoke thoughtful reflection. The opinions expressed in this episode are for informational purposes only and should not replace professional advice.

Please send us your questions by leaving a voicemail at 971-895-4111, DM us on instagram @honestfeedbackpodcast or email us at thekings@honestfeedbackpodcast.com

Keep up with the podcast by following us @HonestFeedbackPodcast on YouTube

Goddess Brittney:

Some people, you're like, that ass is sexy. And then on the date or date like experience, you start talking, you go, ooh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. If I am going to sit on your face, I need you to shut up immediately. Welcome to Honest Feedback, the podcast where deep truth meets bold transformation. I'm Goddess Brittany King, a pleasure priestess and a transformational retreat facilitator who helps women connect to their deepest truths, reclaim their pleasure, and awaken their inner power.

Lisset:

And I'm Lisette King, an emotional ninja and transformational coach who helps leaders release baggage, heal unresolved trauma, and step into their most aligned, purposeful lives. We've created this podcast for spirit-led individuals just like you. Seekers of truth, personal growth, and meaningful connection. Whether you're navigating life's big questions, craving more joy and fulfillment, or simply looking for honest, relatable conversations, you're in the right place. Welcome back to Honest Feedback. And we're here, it's almost the end of the year. I mean it is.

Goddess Brittney:

Yeah. It's December. It's legit the end of the year. Well, if there was the magical 13th year month, yeah, month. Oh, yeah, 13th month. If we were using a different calendar, but this is a system that we have chosen into by birth, I guess.

Lisset:

Yeah. This is the time. This is how we chose to measure time. Yeah. And we're at the end of the year. Yeah. Exciting. Isn't it? Oh man. And today we have an awesome question from someone who called in. Yes. We love it. We love a call-in. We love a voice memo. And it's about dating.

Goddess Brittney:

I love it. Dating. How fun. And I feel like this is a fun time of year because some people are partnered, they're in cuffing season. Other people are like, there's all these parties. How can I choose one? Others of us are poly and they're just like, I don't choose one. We just all wear these ugly sweaters together. We do. We live in our collide together. But dating is a fun time, and like, you know, this is uh I'm I'm excited to talk about it.

Lisset:

Yeah, especially dating women.

Goddess Brittney:

That's what the question is about. Okay, well, let's complexities, shall we? Yeah. Where's the honest feedback phone?

Lisset:

Dun-da-da-da.

Goddess Brittney:

We have an honest feedback phone. This is the phone that you call when you leave a message. It has its own phone line. I know. Wow.

Speaker 1:

Hey loves, this is Jessie. She them pronouns. And I just want to say I love, love your podcast. I love the converbs you're putting out in the universe for others to have, to think about, and the feedback that you're getting. Um, so here's the situation. Basically, as I'm out there dating in the world, and I will say mostly when I'm dating other um female, uh female identifying individuals, will be on the little thing. Or just like hanging out biting, like come into an event, and it's like I get to the point where I don't know when like if we're inviting is it's somebody like oh make them open on a thing, like oh wait, or do we just want to make it open? Like more open than that, like I guess what is like a good way to like that, like um here.

Goddess Brittney:

Yes.

Lisset:

Thank you, Dusty.

Goddess Brittney:

Thank you, Dusty. Um I I love it so much. Do you want me to start?

Lisset:

You could start.

Goddess Brittney:

Okay. Well, I think it's it's just so fun because how you phrased it is I'm dating, I'm dating people, and you know, either you're like, we're on a kid date, or we're hanging out, we're vibing. And then I'm like, wait, are we vibing as friends? Are we vibing as a date? Are we vibing as just a hookup? And like to me, I'm like, isn't that why we're on the date to kind of discover which of those categories that we are falling into?

Lisset:

Yes, but there was a thing she goes, oh, and I'm on a date, or I'm just vibing and hanging out. Oh, I thought it was an or, got it. Yeah, yeah. There was an or. Okay. Because if she's on a date, then you then you know you're on a date. Unless you don't. Unless you don't. Because Britney did not know we were on a date. No, no, you did not know. My bad. Yeah. My bad, y'all.

Goddess Brittney:

It is it's complicated in the play. Well, this was our story. So Lissette asked me out on a date. And this was the fourth time she'd asked me out on a date. And I had been doing my love rituals and all the things, and so I was just like, oh, this is love. So I said yes to this date. And then we went on a date. And it was pause, pause.

Lisset:

Because I'd asked her out four times, and at this point, you know, dusty respect, because sometimes you don't know if you're on a date. Essentially, I was I think of uh going on a date or hanging out with a friend. I call I still call it a date, I call it a coffee date. I go on coffee dates all the time. I'm not on a romantic coffee date. So granted, we were going out for Margs, so it should have been a little more in that category, but you had said no three other times. So for that reason, I had in my mind taken myself or Brittany out of the romantic category and put her in the platonic category in my mind.

Goddess Brittney:

Going, yes, and me not living in her mind led me to believe that when someone said date, and also I was new to dating women, it was just like she said date. So I was like, oh, it's a date. Then we go to the date, she's cute, I look cute, like she buys the date, she pays for the date. I feel that makes me feel extra cute. So all things to me were like, yeah, this was a date. And then later I was like, I want to take my top off. Because I also thought this is a date, but she none of these things again. Pause.

Lisset:

She took her top off, which if you've known Britney ever in person, you've seen her without her top off. Unless you've only hung out with her in like a seminar where she's not allowed to take her top off. You have seen her boobs. And it's not mean that you're dating. So I just want to clarify that note because you took it.

Goddess Brittney:

So I could be dating the masses.

Lisset:

Yes. In that case, we are in a hundred thousand-person uh polygilles. Oh my gosh. So well, yes, so you took your shirt off because you were trying to send signals.

Goddess Brittney:

Flirtatious signals. Oh, got it. Yes. Anywho, she did not know we were on a date. So then when we were on a second date, which she again thought was a friend date, um, where she had invited me to go see this medium, and then we went out after that. And I was like, hey, how does your nesting partner feel about us dating? And she spit out her martini.

Lisset:

It was a full spit take.

Goddess Brittney:

It was a full spit take, and she said, We're dating? And I said, We're dating is what happened in my head. Because I was just like, Well, you're dead now. You've already told your boss, your dying mother, and your therapist that you are dating this woman. And clearly, by that reaction, we are not.

Lisset:

And all in, you know, just so you know, I would have played it off with your dead mom. Just like with your dying mother. I would have like carried this to the end of the yes, I am her girlfriend. But yeah, yeah, yeah. No, okay, great. So all we're saying is, Dusty, your problem is relatable.

Goddess Brittney:

Yeah, your problem is relatable, and we all use the word, I don't know, we all lots of people use the word date differently. So I can understand how you can be confused. And, you know, it asks the place of like, can you clarify? Like, is it a date where you're getting to know someone? Because sometimes you go on dates with people and you don't know them, know them. Maybe you just thought they were hot. And so you're trying to decide, like, oh, do I just want to fuck? Like, am I interested?

Lisset:

Do I just want to make out with them?

Goddess Brittney:

Right. Do I just want to, you know, play with their hair and feed them grapes? I don't know.

Speaker:

Like weird way to propose, but okay.

Goddess Brittney:

So there is a curiosity. Okay, you go. What do you think?

Lisset:

Uh well, you know, I I didn't think this was a problem at first, and then I was like, oh no, this is a problem because I've been here and this is gonna come as a shocker, but have you tried communicating directly?

Goddess Brittney:

You mean talk to the person I'm trying to put my tongue in their mouth? Yeah, how dare you.

Lisset:

Just a thought. Just the thought, you know, um, Dusty, I don't know how uh young or mature you are, and there's a certain time in our lives when we are adult dating where we actually just communicate our feelings, and the person has a right to say no, that they're not interested or whatnot. And I have been, I have been interested in people, and I don't know if I actually where I want it to go until we spend some quality time together. I had met one of my partners when I met her, I just thought she was the cutest thing ever. Uh, she walked into uh some sort of I don't know, it was a a women's circle. And she walked in and I was like, oh wow, she's super cute. She was really funny in the group. And I was like, oh my gosh, I think I really like this person. And I kept trying to make plans with them. It's a theme, I guess you could say. I was trying to make theme plans with this person, and finally we went on a on uh what I thought was just like, let's hang out, let's go on a date. And I was dressed cute because I dress cute when I hang out with people. Sorry, it's a crime, apparently. And I was cute, she was cute, and we were hanging out, and then it got to a point of like, is this like is are we flirting? Was kind of I think one of us said it. And it was a like, I would like to kiss you, and it was like, I would like that too. We dated for several months after that, but it I would not have known until we were on a situation, like in a date and communicating that.

Goddess Brittney:

Yeah, I feel like the communication part is key because people you're like that ass is sexy, and then on the date or date like experience, you start talking, you go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If I am going to sit on your face, I need you to shut up immediately for me to continue to be in this experience. And so some people sometimes so it's like sometimes you just don't know until you get into the experience what it's gonna be like. Is it just a physical connection and that's what you guys want it to be? Or is it like, yeah, I feel like there's this pressure you might be putting on yourself of like, before I ask them out, I should know. Marriage. Before I should ask them out, I want to have kids. I mean, like, you know that this is just a hookup, right? Like it's just like you know, sometimes you don't know and you don't know until you're in the experience and you're feeling the thing. And so can you allow yourself to be present in the experience and actually get curious and discover what's available for you? Because you're saying, what's the hesitation? How do I break the hesitation? Is how you said, is I think it's like communicating and being present with what you're actually experiencing in the experience. And you know, some of us we go on a date and the date is what tells us no. So I went on a date with a woman who I thought I was attracted to, and in the date, like pretty early on, she said something that I can only categorize as a microaggression. And I thought you were gonna say slightly racist. Well, yeah, I mean, yes, that's a microaggression. And like, you know, my interpretation of how she presented herself and said microaggression was from a place of ignorance. But again, for me, these were non-negotiables for someone I want to be in a romantic relationship with. I don't want to educate the person who I'm fucking in that particular realm about race and dynamics and colonialism and all these different things.

Speaker:

Yes.

Goddess Brittney:

And so I was like, oh yeah, no, we cannot date. And we ended up being friends for a time. And like through the friendship, things grew, and you know, that was there was some ignorance. There also was some other growth points, but either way, it was not something that I wanted near my vagina. And we got to have a friendship. But I that was something I only discovered through going on a date with her.

Lisset:

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And when, you know, I think you bring up a really good point of we don't have to know at the very beginning where this thing is going. And I that's one of the things I love about relationship anarchy and polyamory is that you don't have to decide, you're not deciding who you need to marry. You know, not every date is like, because that's not we're not climbing the relationship escalator. So it's this opportunity to go out with someone for the date of disc for the purpose of discovery. Like, what kind of relationship do I want to have with this person? Period. Like some people you do just want to make out with, and some people you end up dating for several months, and some people you end up honestly. When Britt and I were we started dating, we partied a lot together, and we're such different people. That was dang, that was seven and a half years ago. We're such different people where we used to party and hang out and and get drunk and smoke weed and all these things. That was all of one month. Yeah. But it was a lot of it. Yeah. And so I I thought that Britt was like a party girl. There, there was there were two things that I had this moment of like my soul said that one, that's the one. And my mind was like, yeah, sure. Like this girl just likes to party. We're gonna have a good time. I just didn't know that good time would last, you know, forever. But that's things can all things can change and leave space. So maybe the hesitation that you're hearing, you're like, oh, I help me with the hesitation. The hesitation could be your own just over flooding of expectations. Ooh, yeah. So break that pattern of expecting anything to look a certain way and enter into the date with a curiosity of like, I'm curious how this person will affect my life. I'm curious about how I can affect their life. And sometimes you affect them by putting your tongue in their butt, and other times you affect them by being their friend and guiding them through challenging parts of their lives. All things are probable.

Goddess Brittney:

All things are available. Yes. All things are available, and curiosity is the space. And I feel like the letting go of expectations is really, really, really big because it really allows you to get present with what is actually happening without having an agenda trying to steer it any particular way. Yeah. And so, I mean, I there are no rules. There are no rules. It's like you can make out with someone on the dance floor and end up married to them. Like you can, I don't know, have someone be a friend for 20 years in your life and then discover you guys are in love with each other later. Like it's just there's there's so many different there's no rules. And you're a human and you're having a relationship, and you're having relationships, and things grow and change and ebb and flow. And so can you release expectations and get curious about what's happening in the present moment for each of you? And communication can be very helpful with this. Like this is a place where the words are helpful.

Lisset:

Yes. And you know, to close the loop on our on that that first date of ours is when, yes, Britney melted into the chair and disappeared into the ethers. But then I I allowed myself, I was like, wait a second, wait a second, pause. Um, I am interested in you. I have been interested in you. I didn't think you were interested in me because of all the no's. Forgive me. Yeah, I just thought you blow someone off three times. That and and on that date, quote unquote, I was just wanting to get to know you better. Yeah, you know, and you're like wanting to define us. And I was like, okay, well, I can pivot. And I said that. I said, I can pivot. Do you want to be on a romantic date? She's like, yes. And so we m we we pivoted to being on a romantic date. Yeah. And it worked out. Yeah. It was funny.

Goddess Brittney:

She went like this.

Lisset:

And it's fine. She's like, okay, romantic mode. And you know what? One of the best things about going into our first date, we call the second first date the one where we turned on the romance, the one with that that's our anniversary. Because the first date, what was so cool about that first date, and why I think things shifted for you is because I won't didn't, I had dropped my agenda. Yeah. I had dropped my expectations. I didn't want it, it didn't need to be romantic. And so when I walked into that bar, I had walked in, there was no representative. There was no like, I need to show up a certain way to um be romantically appealing to this person. I just showed up, I just showed up as myself.

Goddess Brittney:

Yeah. And and I showed up as myself, even though I knew it was a date I had because for me, it was because we had been in a community and friendship, and like I'd already cried at your house many times.

Lisset:

That's a thing that happens in our house.

unknown:

Yeah.

Goddess Brittney:

But um, I also showed up without a representative, and so we were both ourselves. And something that you asked me on our second date was, hey, well, what changed? And I told her my feelings of like, I just don't know if I'm gay, if I'm queer, I don't, I don't know, but I'm open to exploring because I'm enjoying connecting with you, and I will let you know as I know. And so that was very honest for me to lean into of like, I don't know. Literally, I don't know. Um, but I am I'm curious and interested in investigating and being with like what I'm experiencing because it feels really good so far.

Lisset:

Yeah. And I mean, we took it a step at a time, baby steps, baby steps, and created something beautiful out of it. And the the secret sauce there was not having expectations. You know, it you just don't know. Someone can truly be your best friend. Yeah.

Goddess Brittney:

Oh, yeah. Didn't you one of your romantic partners is your current best friend? Yeah.

Lisset:

Yeah, former, absolutely.

Goddess Brittney:

Occasional.

Lisset:

Yes, one of one of my my dearest friends, we started romantically, and uh she was interested in me, and I oh it's it's one of the funniest things. We were working together at Guitar Center, and she it was like my first day. I was like fresh meat, and she walked by me to the break room and literally moon walked back out of the break room and was like, oh hi. And there was interest there, and um, that wasn't what we were meant to be. Yeah, that wasn't what we were meant to be, and we ended up being like the best friends, like literally, I am the godmother of her children and love her to pieces. She's my my ride or die, like seriously, bury a body in an instant, you know, and that is you just don't know. And allowing yourself to stay in that curiosity and freedom is going to create so just way more space for fun. Fun. This reminds me of what what did someone teach you about attraction? Oh gosh, I'm I can't remember who taught it to me. He please forgive me if you know the source of this. Help me help me remember, but it was on the theory of attraction, and we we're attracted to people because we're supposed to create something together. And you know, and you think of um old-fashioned, very like masculine, feminine attraction, pro-creation, you create a life, but also we get attracted to people because we're supposed to create a pops possibly a business or a mission or an art project or something. You there's attraction is creation energy, yeah. And like it is the the polarity coming together to be one to create something new. And gosh, I I that is it's lost on me who taught me that, but it was one of the most beautiful lessons because I really started to honor where attraction lies and letting it be like, ooh, what are we supposed to do together?

Goddess Brittney:

Yeah, you know, yeah, I love that frame because it's a fun way to think about attraction because um so often we can be conditioned of I feel attraction for this person, which means I need to stick a part inside of them.

Speaker:

Yeah.

Goddess Brittney:

And this for me opens up that space, it brings it back to the place of curiosity of I feel an attraction. I'm excited to discover what the connection is, not force a specific connection. Yeah. So, Dusty, I hope that this helps, this serves you, that you are feeling more supported and able to show up to your dates or hangouts or brums. Um with more fun and curiosity and openness to what's available for you.

Lisset:

Yeah. Uh, it's so fun. You know, you mentioned specifically dating female identifying people. And yo, we like to talk. So just talk about it. Just open up the line of communication. It's welcome there. You don't have to play games. You can you can communicate directly. So I'm excited. Let us know how this goes. Let us know how it hits. And if you have a question, give us a call at 971-895-4111. Leave us a voice memo. We love hearing your voice and being being able to answer you like that. If you like a more anonymous situation, you could slide into our DM on Instagram at honestfeedback podcast. And make sure you hit that like, subscribe, share this with a friend. You know you've got that friend who can use a little more help and is communicating with someone. Pass this along to them. Yes.

Goddess Brittney:

And until we meet again, be honest with each other.

Lisset:

Yeah.

Head Shot

Brittney King

Co-host
Head Shot

Lisset King

Co-host