Welcome to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience dating, love and relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach and attachment expert Stephanie Rigg. And I'm really glad you're here. 

Hey, guys, welcome to On Attachment. 

Today I want to talk to you about five things you need to know about attachment styles. 

So I think in the past few years, a lot of people have become aware of attachment theory and attachment styles, which is really great. More and more people are understanding their own attachment behaviors might be identifying as anxiously attached or avoidant Lee attached or maybe a noticing these behaviors in the people in their lives. So in partners or ex partners. And I think that having that awareness and that understanding provides such a useful lens through which to view our life and relationships. And it really does explain so much. And offer a really illuminating perspective on some of the unconscious drivers of these behaviors and some of the ways that they might be keeping us stuck. 

That being said, I think it's really important to add a few caveats or qualifications. When talking about attachment theory, and attachment styles and making sure that we're approaching this work in a really responsible way, right? We never want to be too simplistic or reductive about something as nuanced and complicated as relationships. Right, which, frankly, it's easy to overlook sometimes, just how very complicated relationships can be. And that makes sense, you know, you're combining two people from very, potentially very different places with their own histories, our own stories, their own experiences. And, you know, there's a lot more to it than than just a label and a list of traits. 

So, let's dive into five things you need to know about attachment styles and attachment theory. The first one is that you can be and you probably are a combination of attachment styles. 

So for anyone who isn't aware of the attachment styles, I'll give you a super quick overview. But basically, we've got secure attachment, which is you know, the the ideal, it's where we are pretty comfortable in relationships, we can navigate the ebbs and flows of relationships relatively easily. good communicators comfortable with intimacy but not overly dependent on a partner to the point of being insecure or, or what we would call clingy. So secure attachment is sort of what we're all aiming for. Then there are three insecure attachment styles. Anxious attachment, which is basically having really high intimacy needs, really wanting to be not only in a relationship, but also spending a lot of time with their partner. And really prioritizing the relationship above all else, and feeling a lot of insecurity about their partner, leaving them about being alone. And often getting triggered around those sorts of things only distance or uncertainty. You've then got dismissive, avoidant attachment, which is sort of the other end of the spectrum to anxious attachment. And as people who are, you know, fiercely independent, a lot of the time they really protect their sense of self and their autonomy. They don't like feeling like they're beholden to someone or that they're having to sacrifice Yeah, their own autonomy and freedom to be and do whatever they want. And they have relatively low intimacy needs. They struggle with vulnerability from time to time, and they can tend to pull away or withdraw when they're feeling threatened or unsafe. The fourth attachment style or category here is disorganized attachment or fearful avoidant, which is sort of a combination of anxious attachment and dismissive, avoidant attachment, at least insofar as the behaviors that they exhibit. So the fearful avoidant is characterized by that push pull, so really desire intimacy and desiring love and relationships, but at the same time feeling really unsafe sometimes in those situations, and becoming quite overwhelmed by the idea of that level of closeness with another person, and so they can often pull away. So they, they can exhibit that hot and cold kind of behavior, the real push pull. And it can be really hard for both the fearful avoidant and their partner to navigate those conflicting fears and desires. So there's a very high level overview and go into that in a lot more detail in another episode. 

But coming back to this first point, which is that you can be and probably are a combination of attachment styles. So while most of us will probably identify with one style more than another, you can be and you probably are a combination of them. So for example, you might be primarily secure. But when you're feeling threatened or unsafe or triggered, you might exhibit more anxious style behaviors. So when things are sort of broadly, okay, you might be pretty secure. But if your partner is being really distant or withdrawn, and there's no real explanation for it, you might notice yourself becoming a little more anxious and displaying those more typically anxious traits. Similarly, you might be primarily secure, but then at times, display more avoidant traits, particularly if you had an anxious partner. And you were feeling a bit overwhelmed by that. You could also have an anxious attachment style in your relationship, more avoidant behaviors with friends or colleagues. So it's really not a one size fits all. And it's not mutually exclusive categories. Most people will have at least a primary and a secondary style. 

Okay, the second point is that attachment styles are not a diagnosis. They're not a personality type. It's not like a horoscope. It's just a way of grouping common behaviors and strategies that have emerged from the immense body of research that's been done in this area, right. So as always, with any attempt to label or categorize or group things, it's imperfect trade, it's a way of organizing our knowledge and understanding in this area. So I think it is important because we can tend to attach ourselves to the label, particularly, you know, with anxious attachment, I work a lot with anxious attachment. And I think that people can feel so connected to the descriptions of the experience of anxious attachment, and go, Oh, yeah, that's me, that's me, that's me, I'm anxious, I'm anxiously attached. And that's, that's great to have that sense of identification and feeling really seen and understood. But it's also important to not become overly attached to the label, to the point where, you know, you either think that you're stuck with that for life, which is not the case. And I'll move on to that in a moment. But also, I think we can get a bit carried away at times and seek to explain everything through the one lens, right. And attachment theory, you know, obviously, I'm a huge advocate of this body of work, and I find it extremely insightful, and I know that many others do. And there's a, you know, robust body of evidence behind it. It's not the be all and end all. And I think that when we become too attached to the label, we want to explain everything via that label. And so it's just, you know, a word of caution to take it with a grain of salt. It is a really helpful framework through which to understand ourselves. But it's not everything. So it's not, it's not the sole explanation for everything about the way you are, and everything about your experience of relationships, right. 

Okay, next up is that attachment styles are essentially our way of getting our needs met when we feel unsafe in our relationships. So again, it's sort of following on from the second point, which is that it's not like a diagnosis. It's not a disorder. It's a description of a set of strategies, essentially. And I think this is really important that attachment styles and particularly those insecure attachment styles. Those are really triggered by a feeling of unsafety. So when we're feeling threatened in some way, so for an anxious person that might be feeling threatened by our partner being withdrawn, or by mixed signals, or, you know, our partner being in a bad mood or not hearing from someone for a while, those things are likely to be really triggering to an anxiously attached person. And that triggers this feeling of, you know, I'm feeling unsafe. And so our attachment behaviors then, are triggered, and, and we then go about trying to get our needs met. In the only way we know how and so for an anxious person that might look like, you know, calling or texting over and over again, or it might look like overthinking or, you know, stalking their social media trying to find clues trying to finances. It's just these learned behaviors. And this almost like a toolkit of what do I do when I'm feeling unsafe? Where do I go when I'm feeling unsafe? How do I try and create a sense of safety and certainty for myself when I'm feeling unsafe? Similarly, if you're on the avoidant end of the spectrum, when you're feeling unsafe, that's usually because you're feeling overwhelmed, smothered, trapped. And how do you get your needs met, your need to feel safe, is the opposite of that. So you withdraw, right? You take space you you might ghost, someone, you might not respond to messages, you might just sort of totally check out because you feel so overwhelmed by what someone's asking or view and you don't know how to be there for them, because that just feels really overwhelming. So point three, attachment styles are our way of getting our needs met when we feel unsafe in relationships.

Okay, number four is that attachment styles can change over your lifetime. So this is another really important one, attachment styles are not rigid or fixed, right? Goes back to that thing of like, it's not a personality type. It's not like, you know, I'm a Pisces, and I'm anxiously attached, right? Again, because they're learned behaviors, it's like a learn set of strategies, you can learn a new set of strategies, they can also really change over the lifetime in the sense that, you know, they're responsive to the environment. So if you're in a relationship with someone who's really flaky, or it's a really high conflict relationship, or they're really unreliable, it's really volatile or whatever. And you're like, fundamentally insecure person, that might bring out some really anxious behaviors in you. And you might sort of learn those more anxious attachment strategies for trying to get your needs met when you're in that dynamic. And that might influence your subsequent relationships. So you might be really hyper vigilant after that, because you've been through this really traumatic relationship where you felt really unsafe. Subsequent to that your relationships, you might really struggle with trust, we might really struggle with jealousy, if you've, you know, had someone really betray your trust, things like that. So they're really responsive to context to relationships to your environment, you can certainly develop an insecure, or a secure attachment style very early on. And oftentimes, that is the case that these are formed very early in childhood. But equally, it might be something that you picked up in adolescence, or, you know, in your 20s, and your 30s. These things are not fixed. They're not. There's no rulebook for this.

And so, that leads me to point five, which is, you know, a word of optimism and hope for anyone listening who identifies with those insecure attachment styles is that you can move from insecure to secure attachment. If you have an insecure attachment style, whether that's anxious or dismissive, avoidant or disorganized, it's not a life sentence. That's not like the cards you've been dealt and that you've just got to live with. You can learn another way. And that's a huge part of my work. I have an online course called Healing, anxious attachment that is centered around that very premise, right that we can through learning about the way we are by bringing more awareness to our patterns, to our thoughts, to our triggers to what's going on in our body and those moments where we feel really dysregulated and learning ways that feel more safe of getting our needs met and healthier ways. You know, it's really, ultimately, that we're just using outdated strategies outdated survival strategies that are no longer aligned with the kinds of relationships we want to have. And so it is just a matter of bringing a lot of awareness to that taking a lot of responsibility and learning to experience relationships in a more safe way. And many of the people that I've worked with and myself have, and so many others are testament to the fact that you can absolutely move from insecure to secure attachment. So those are the five things that I want you to know about attachment styles and attachment theory.

I really hope you've learned something, and I would love to hear from you. But otherwise, thank you so much for joining me and I will see you again soon. Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment.

If you want to go deeper on all things attachment, love and relationships. You can find me on Instagram at Stephanie underscore underscore Rigg or Stephanie rigg.com. I've got loads of free content there. Plus, if you're interested, you can join the waitlist for the next round of my signature six week program. Healing anxious attachment.

Thanks again for joining me and I'll see you soon.