Mind Over Matter: Mindset Development
Venting about life while trying to navigate through it and sharing what I’ve learned with the world through enlightening conversation. This podcast was made and carefully curated in the essence of myself Deja Wallace. I will take you on my journey of self-discovery through a video journal-type podcast that guides you to self-discovery as I evolve with every episode. Mind Over Matter is the power to govern how you feel internally through mindset development. This podcast is essentially for dreamers, deep thinkers, optimists, and anyone who’s on the journey of self-discovery. RATE COMMENT SUBSCRIBE
Mind Over Matter: Mindset Development
Growing Up Black (ft.Des)
In this week's episode, I'm joined by Destiny and we dive into the significance of acknowledging new truths that reveal themselves as we enter adulthood. Parents usually serve as the connection between our past and future. The purpose of this conversation is to reveal these truths, fostering understanding and paving the way for open discussions that can lead to closing the gap of understanding between the older and younger generations.
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DEJA @deja.waja
What I feel that black parents don't understand is that respect is earned, not given Control. You cannot have control of nobody. You're not supposed to have. The only person who's in control is God. It's like a power dynamic that I feel that they struggle with, because it's like they want respect but then they also want control. And you can't have two in the same, because, with respect, depending on who you are as a person, control is in your conviction. It's a guarantee that whenever you walk into a room, people will respect you and they will allow you to be in control because they can trust your disposition. But with parenting in the black community, it's like they don't trust you and then, on top of it, they want to control who you speak to, what you do, what you eat, what you think, what you do, how you do it, when you do it. It's like damn, when do I get to be me? How am I supposed to convert myself in this world and experience this grand world? And I can't even think for myself.
Speaker 3:Welcome to Mind Over Matter baby. I'm your host, deja Wallace, and, as you can see, I have a lovely guest, my lovely compadre, my friend, my partner and crime. We've been almost lost our life together for real. We really be outside.
Speaker 1:This is my good eyes. Good eyes girl. Good eyes girl. She's tough hard, she's tough hard. Love you, love you, hey yo.
Speaker 3:The one and only Desi Des.
Speaker 1:Hey, you already know it's your girl Destiny. Everybody calls me Des and I'm here on Mind Over Matter period Period.
Speaker 3:She came to bless the podcast episode.
Speaker 1:We're about to get into some things in episode 70 of the podcast.
Speaker 3:I will be talking about dealing with parents, family. Okay, it's a lot. It's a lot to talk about this episode, so kick back, relax and enjoy this episode. I feel like I need to say a disclaimer before I even start. It's a lot of things I may talk about when I talk about my family that's not healed. I'm not fully healed yet, so some things may come off as like me not being healed, like it may come off as biased, it may come off as very like naive, because I still am young, still learning, still growing. But that awareness alone I just want the listeners to know I may not be like, I may not speak about things in a healthy way when it comes to my parents in this podcast. It's just to let it get it off my chest. I love them. No, I love y'all.
Speaker 3:Sometimes when I think of my mother and father recently it's been a lot in terms of triggers. Even when I speak to you about certain things, it's always like I'm not healed. I definitely can relate to that. It's just an extremely touchy topic for me. Like I said, I want to represent them in the best way, but it's just that now that I'm stepping into adulthood. It's kind of different dynamic when I think about my parents. So I kind of just want to keep that in mind as well. But yeah, I just want this conversation to just bridge that gap of understanding between that older generation and the younger generation. So that's really what I want to get into. That's what I hope this conversation is like for people.
Speaker 1:Especially because we still live with our parents, so we don't have the luxury of separating who we are from who our parents expect us to be. So it's easier for people who don't live with their parents to just be like listen, do you? But it's harder because you're under their roof.
Speaker 1:They pay the bills, they pay the bills and they remind you that too they make sure that you know your place and your position inside of the household, while you're also wearing our 20s, our early 20s, and we're growing, graduating, falling in love, falling out of love, making friendships breaking up. So it's so much things that we're learning, experiencing life for the first time right now, that it's like dang like. Can you just hold my hand?
Speaker 3:Yeah, and sometimes that's really all I want. Like I really want my parents to just be like baby, it's okay.
Speaker 1:Even though I'm not a baby, no more. I just want to hug Like what's the last time I don't remember the last time I hugged my parents.
Speaker 3:I can't remember the last time.
Speaker 1:I know that every time I've ever hugged my mom, I initiated it and I can tell she's not comfortable with it, but I still like, girl, give me a hug.
Speaker 3:Like stop playing. Yeah, like I remember the last time I gave my dad a kiss on the cheek it was his birthday and I remember him saying like wow, you never do that. You know what I mean, and it just felt so awkward but it was like damn, I really don't do that.
Speaker 1:And you know what the funny thing is? I realized that I wasn't doing that when I was in high school, because all my friends were huggers and kissers and it used to make me uncomfortable. Yeah, until I had to tell myself like no, just because you grew up a certain way doesn't mean that the things that you're learning is right. You have to reprogram yourself sometimes to be the person that you want to be and not the person that you are positioned into based upon your environment. Like I can be somebody else, not based on what I'm seeing and what I have to experience. I can be better or I could be worse, but I choose to be better. So, like I had to tell myself like whoa, love people, love them. Like it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to be expressive, and the funny thing is I'm very expressive. Like in my household, I'd be crying in front of my 14 year old sister and she'd be looking at me like girl and I'm just like what?
Speaker 3:What am I supposed to do? No, that's a fact. Like I don't think like I really express myself good, because, like of how it was loved, they didn't really express themselves like that.
Speaker 1:They always have to be very stern.
Speaker 3:Yeah, they show love in different ways, yeah they're showing love as like oh you hungry. And then they'll surprise you with your favorite food. Yeah, after they just fucking yell at you earlier.
Speaker 1:And it's like sometimes the way that I need love is not through things, it's through words, like tell me you love me instead of showing me through action. Tell me, because I want to hear that, I need to be reassured, and I realized because of that that actually fell into my relationships. I was seeking relationships with people that I needed to feel validated in because I wasn't validated at home.
Speaker 3:Let's talk about that.
Speaker 1:Like I was not at all. Let's really talk about that.
Speaker 3:No, because, like I think, I don't have much. I don't have much experience in the relationship realm because I have strict parents and when you have strict parents it's really hard to like bring other people that they don't, that they don't personally handpick for you and be like this is your friend or this is your boyfriend, or this is your boyfriend, and remember.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so because they don't handpick them and I, out of my willpower, want to be this person's friend. It's like sometimes they are iffy about that, like they're very skeptical. Yeah, korean parents are very skeptical. They don't want you sleeping over at no friend's house. They don't Because you're gonna get molested.
Speaker 1:They don't know the parents, they don't know if they crack head, they tell you the whole shit.
Speaker 1:And they always oh my gosh, they always expect the worst out of people, and that's another thing that I took that I was doing in my relationships. I always was expecting for the guys to leave me, in which they did, but mine is that. Mine is that no, I'm lying, they did it, I left them, but mine is that, though. It's like I already came into this relationship with unhealed trauma from my mother wound and my father wound that I'm presenting onto this person, and they're just like bro, I'm just breathing. What's your problem?
Speaker 3:Exactly yours. And the thing is, if we had a mother, somebody in our family that actually had open conversation about what it is to be dating, what it is to be an adult, we don't even have that simple conversation. We're just set out to run wild in the world, like, OK, you got your degree or you got through college? Yeah, all right, pay them bills. Let me see. Oh, where's that job? I'm like, you didn't even guide me. Yes, yes, I'm fending for myself.
Speaker 1:Literally, that's how I feel every day Like I literally feel like I'm fending for myself, and then I also feel like it's nobody. That is like nobody wants to be real. Yeah, nobody wants to be real, especially like with my parents. Like I feel like being real is like it's like you get scrutinized for speaking your truth, like if I'm honest and if I'm vulnerable and I say the things that's really on my mind, I get scrutinized for being me and it's like you cannot make me feel uncomfortable for being me.
Speaker 3:And that's one thing.
Speaker 1:I've learned throughout life, like people who know me know like you're going to get whatever you see, like I will probably take my hair off. Like I don't care, like I am who I am and it's just like either you accept me for it as my mother or you don't, but regardless, I'm still going to be destiny, Like right.
Speaker 3:Boom. So if you have an opinion, it's disrespectful. You can't. If you have any opinion opposing your parent in a Caribbean household or a black household is as if it's the equivalence of you hitting them. You said no. I remember the first day of high school, my senior year. She wouldn't be wearing uniform. It's my senior year. I'm not wearing uniform. Like.
Speaker 1:I'm not wearing uniform.
Speaker 3:That's embarrassing and I knew nobody was going to wear the uniform. Oh, I know I had my best fit on fresh feet. I had to fit on the night before. Yeah, laid out.
Speaker 1:You just waiting to put it on, put that anticipation through the roof. Ok, I can even sleep Like I'm looking at the clock.
Speaker 3:You're already getting hyped up Like you would have thought I was on something. Jump out of bed, put on that fit. I'm like where you going? Where I go, where I go, I'm like to school. She's like and I got, you need uniform, you need uniform. So I go, I'm like, but like it's not even that serious, like nobody's going to be wearing a uniform. Y'all follow friend. No, oh no, y'all follow friend. I'm like mom, but like yo, I swear. All I did was take the uniform shirt out her hand and she acted like I slapped the shit out of her. Sounds about right.
Speaker 3:She called everybody on the phone like, oh my god, and I'm going to leave, this girl hit me, she hit me. I'm like yo just awful, just a little.
Speaker 1:I think what you just said, like this scenario that you just explained, like you just hit so many key points. One, everything that black parents if you have friends, you're automatically a follower.
Speaker 3:Just because of the simple fact that you have a friend.
Speaker 1:Now you and your friend have the same entrance. Oh so, whatever your friend tells you, you're going to do. So if they jump off a cliff, you're going to jump too. Yeah, just why not? It's fun, it's fun.
Speaker 1:Why not, did they survive? Ok? Now, another thing that you said calling everybody on the phone as soon as something negative happens, but as soon as you hit a milestone in accomplishment, why do I feel like I do not get the same flowers as compared to when I do something that you feel is your definition of disrespect, because everybody has their own definition of disrespect. What I feel is disrespectful may not be disrespectful to you, and that is something that I've been trying to teach my mother since a kid. I don't think she understands that. So it's like OK, cool, but then, on top of it, why are you calling people that don't even call to see if I'm alive? They don't even call to see if I'm OK, but yet you can call them to tell them everything bad that I'm doing. So now, two for both of your mistakes, because you're calling people. Two for your mistakes You're calling people that don't even call to say hey, how's your daughter, how's she doing? How's school? Oh, she graduated. What's she graduated?
Speaker 3:with.
Speaker 1:They know all the negative things you're doing, but they know all the negative things you're doing, but yet you can't even remember to tell them. Oh, she passed her class on honors, or she was a volunteer, she had communities, she was doing all these great things. Oh, she paid my bill, she did this for my birthday. You would never say that, but yet you could remember every negative thing that I do. And then, when they remember it, they only remember the parts that you did, but they don't remember the things that they did to you to trigger that.
Speaker 3:To make you react. So you could do whatever you want to me and I'm supposed to just take it because you're my mom and that's also we were speaking about this yesterday I feel like the power dynamic is obviously going to be at the benefit of the parent, because the parent has known you from birth, has conceived you, has known you before you were actually a physical human being, so obviously they're gonna have more power over you right.
Speaker 3:And the thing that I am very like aware of is the way that parents influence kids, children, kids, children, especially when it comes to, like manipulating them to be the perception of their heads or that perfect child they want them to be which is unrealistic, because nobody's perfect. And then it's like you have a society telling you you have to do this at a certain age, you have to achieve these milestones. You have to be on. So much pressure from the outside world.
Speaker 3:And then you got that extra pressure from your parents. I feel like they should be more supportive at times. Lineate yeah and like just speak more words of affirmation. Speak more like you know, Because at times it does feel like they're against me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, listen, there's been times that I've mentally been fighting demons. Okay, mentally going through it, because, okay, to be transparent, I was in a four year relationship. Right, broke up four years with somebody. To break up with them, that's like, bro, I felt like my heart literally left out my body. Like I've gone through breakups, whatever I thought was a breakup before, like in my early 20s or whatever but it was it never, because I never experienced a man the way that I experienced him. So it was like, wow.
Speaker 1:So it's like going through that, I already got my own thing.
Speaker 1:My mom is obviously unaware because she could care less of what I got going on. So it's like, all right, cool, that's fine, I'm going through my own things. But then to be in the environment where it's like I feel very combative, I feel like I'm very defensive, I feel like nobody cares to see me, I feel very unseen in my house. I feel like whenever they need me, they see me, but when I need them, I'm just there. It's like I literally shout out to my friends If it was not for my friends, like it's been so many times where just a high has saved me from myself, simply because I'm already going to war mentally. And then at home, like literally arguing with my mother, then arguing with my grandmother, then arguing with my sister it's like I never get a break. And then arguing with a man that I'm not even with but I want to be back with, it's like damn, like I just feel, like I am not seen at all, like I feel invisible and my feelings don't matter.
Speaker 3:I see you. Oh, thank you. No, but I really felt that, like in my soul right now, like I really felt that because I feel like, especially when you're transitioning into adulthood, you're it's hard for your parents to accept that.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 3:Oh my God, when you do start having your boundaries or you have the willpower now to say how you actually feel and not deviate from it, it scares them in a way. They're losing their child. They can no longer control you. They're losing control. And that's not always a bad thing, because they should trust that their parenting skills was exactly that they could set you out in the world and good like. They should trust that they should have some faith in that and have some faith in the person they raise you to be Like. Ok.
Speaker 3:I feel like what you're saying is like, basically, the way that Black parents' parents control is a form of power, exactly which is also in a form of respect and exactly why I go back to like the child and the parent dynamic, because children, for the most part, they don't have or they don't feel or they are not given as much power as an adult yes, which makes sense, but as an adult, you're an adult now and they really don't understand that. Like their perception of you has not changed At all.
Speaker 1:They still see that child that they still want and expect control and respect from, and what I feel that Black parents don't understand is that respect is earned, not given Control. You cannot have control of nobody You're not supposed to have. The only person who's in control is God.
Speaker 3:So the fact it's like a I'm going to look up a Bible verse, but I'm listening.
Speaker 1:It's like a power dynamic that I feel that they struggle with, because it's like they want respect, but then they also want control. And you can't have two in the same, because, with respect, depending on who you are as a person, control is in your conviction, exactly. It's a guarantee that whenever you walk into a room, people will respect you and they will allow you to be in control because they can trust your disposition. But with parenting in the Black community, it's like they don't trust you and then, on top of it, they want to control who you speak to, what you do, what you eat, what you think, what you do, how you do it. When you do it, it's like damn, when do I get to be me? How am I supposed to convert myself in this world and experience this grand world? And I can't even think for myself, let alone try to do anything for myself, without feeling like I'm going to be ridiculed for having an opinion, for having a voice, having feelings. It's like damn, am I human or am I a robot From?
Speaker 3:our conversation. I know that we're actually trying to make this better, that family dynamic better, because it's whack, going home and not feeling happy. That's not a good feeling that your home should be your safe haven. It should be a place of solitude, peace from the outside world. So why is it that sometimes it still feels like a battlefield. But what are you trying to do to fix that? What's the first steps you're trying to really do to fix your family dynamic, even if you're trying?
Speaker 1:I feel like it all starts within me. I have to be a reflection of everything that I want. So, whether it's trying to be more understanding, like sometimes my mother would say some things and the old me would be combative, but it's like knew me now, like sometimes I'll just hear her, ok, whatever. Or even with my sister, like the grace that I showed that little girl is unbelievable To the point that now it's, but that's neither here nor there, but it's just like just who I am as a person. I wanted to reflect love, like I want people to know that you know what.
Speaker 1:I may not have came from a two-parent household, I may not have had the best upbringing, but I know how to love, I know how to show you love, I know how to be genuine, I know how to respect you, and it all starts with that like taking the initiative to just be more open, be vulnerable. One thing about me that I was never before especially. I feel like not to do that, but as a Capricorn, we're very mean, like Capricorns are mean as fuck so, and they're very like kind of stuck up too. So like me, like I'm so I'm very open. I put everything like you could ask me anything, and I'll tell you to an extent.
Speaker 3:However, though, I'm very open If it's not federal, if it's not, you know what I'm saying, but like no, for real.
Speaker 1:like I wear my heart on my sleeve and I feel like that's my biggest blessing and the best attribution about me, because it's rare to find raw and real people who are authentic and loving and genuine and really have good intentions for people. Yeah, it's a shortage of that, it's what? So it's like I genuinely love those who love me. I love all my friends. Like I love people, even people I don't know, strangers. Like I just love everybody and I really want the best for everybody, even if we're not cool, we're not on the best of terms. Like I want to see my family do better, I want to see everybody win. Even if I have a million dollars today, I don't care what terms I am with my mother. I'm gonna make sure that she has her house, she has her dream Mercedes Benz truck. Like that's how I feel.
Speaker 3:I want to live for everybody.
Speaker 1:Like I want to be in a higher position to help everybody else know that they could do it. I want to show people who felt just like me, like yo, you could do it too. If I could do it, you could do it, family or not. Like I just want to be a reflection and a voice of love. That's it. Just speak positive into people, speak life into people and just be a real version of what life is supposed to be and not what Instagram tells us, and I always live by this.
Speaker 3:Like when you're growing up, your parents basically told you what to believe, since you were growing up right and you have the choice, once you become an adult, to actually listen or unlearn the things they taught you. And it's an active choice to unlearn the things they taught you, because not everything is going to be conducive to your growth. It's not that it's bad advice, but you're different than them, it's a different time, it's a different age and, all of that being said, sometimes you do have to read your parents and understand them, have conversations with them, and that's the first step I feel like I have to do personally to fix my wounds, to heal my wounds. I have to really sit down with them on my own therapy, like on my own, yianna. Yianna Van Zo.
Speaker 3:On that time. Yianna, ayana, ayana, ayana, ayana, yeah, ayana Ayana.
Speaker 1:Van Zo.
Speaker 3:Yes, I don't know the last part, but All right, I have to be on that timing with them. I have to really sit them down, probably have them come on the podcast. That's going to be a lot of growth right there, that's going to be a lot of healing right there. But I just want to sit down and understand them as people, because the biggest facade that I had growing up as a child that I realize now as an adult, looking back, is that my parents aren't perfect. I really thought they were perfect. I really thought everything was good.
Speaker 3:They never really show me any problems, like I never really knew much before the 2000. I didn't know what they was doing in the 90s and the 80s and the 70s and the 60s. They've been around. I just got here, like literally, like I just got here, 21st century, boom, I'm there, 2000,. That's when I was born. What happened before that? Why are you the way you are? What are you not healed from? I just really don't know them as people and they know everything about me and I feel like it's so important to have that conversation because it will bridge that gap of understanding and I'll see why they're like that and I'll be more understanding of why they're like that and I really want to have that conversation, because life is short.
Speaker 1:Anything can happen. Anything can happen and I be telling my family that all the time because, honestly, not for nothing. I feel like I'm the person in my family that's breaking generational curse, Like I know that for a fact, busting through the chains of it.
Speaker 1:I already know that for a fact, Like it's no way that I know I am definitely breaking generational curses and I say that to say because I know my family's trauma. I know the reason why my mother is the way she is. Oh, you know, I know, but I feel like she doesn't accept it, Like she needs that All of my mom is out of. There are five of them. My grandmother had five kids but because my grandmother is an immigrant coming from Haiti, the first of her lineage to come, she was the first one. Once she came, she brought my great-grandmother down and then, from then, whatever.
Speaker 1:But because of that, there's a lot of resentment for their upbringing. Even recently, I had a conversation with all of my aunts and uncles and just telling them like life is short, you don't know how long we have in this earth and it's just like I get that you've been through things, but do not allow what you've been through to dictate your future. Don't allow it to stop you from where you could go, Like they are so stuck in the past of trauma and don't get me wrong, Everybody's entitled to the things that they went through, but you are quadruple my age. Heal Like I've healed. You can heal. If I can try to heal at my young age, you can try to heal too.
Speaker 1:Like I do not resent my mother for the things that she's gone through. Do I feel like she could be better? Yes. Do I feel like she could make better choices? Yes. But at the same time, sometimes I do have to give her grace, because it's like she's still learning, she's still growing, and because of the things that blocked her from being the best version of herself. Because sometimes I think like damn what if she really doesn't like where she's at in life, you know, like she had me and my sister like who's to say? That's what she really wanted. And I have to give her that grace because at the end of the day, she's human. She makes mistakes, but still.
Speaker 3:I still think it's got to grow that conversation If she expressed to you okay, like on some real like authentic, unfiltered, yeah and I wish she could have that, because she would not.
Speaker 1:I really want that. I really crave that so much.
Speaker 3:If she was like okay, like if I'm being honest with you, sometimes I feel like I'm behind on life because I had you at an early age.
Speaker 3:Like and then that is like, basically that confirmation can really like dictate your whole future. Exactly, just that one conversation, because now she's acknowledging it and the first part of healing is getting over grief. You have to acknowledge it first and they just like acting, like every day they go through dodging their what like is actually hurting them, like they don't. I feel like it's so hard to have a real conversation with just parents in general because they're so set in their ways and they're so like they have triggers too. You know what I mean, oh what?
Speaker 1:Everything I say to my mother is a trigger.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's like I had a question, remember, and I was like what do you feel like is the hardest conversation to have with your parent? I'm just like and both of them like everything like literally. I can not speak. Like even to tell you my Friday night plans is a hard.
Speaker 1:It's so hard Like first of all, right now, the way that I look, my mother is probably going to say something about it. So there's that, because I couldn't wear ripped jeans.
Speaker 3:My sister. I still get ridiculed for wearing ripped jeans.
Speaker 1:My sister thinks I dress like a prostitute. That's a bit much, yeah. So there's that, and we're not even going to talk about what my mother be saying. So yeah, and I still dress how I want. Just to clear the record, because I don't give a damn. I'm young and sexy and I'm only going to be young and sexy this time only. So I got to. You know, enjoy this young and sexiness now before I pop a baby out.
Speaker 3:And no shade Damn, forget it. I'm going to just have to say it. I already started to send to you, yeah, you got to say it, I feel like sometimes, especially because I'm like the spitting image of my mother, sometimes she sees herself in me. Oh yeah, I know for sure, my mom and it makes her see the potential of like where I can go and it kind of makes her be like damn, like kind of on some MBA shit. But that's a whole other conversation. I'm not lying too much.
Speaker 1:I think that I'm my mother's favorite child, but she's not going to tell me that.
Speaker 3:But that was too much. No, I totally agree. I'm not saying my mom jealous of me.
Speaker 1:I'm just saying sometimes, when you see like yeah, no, definitely, because sometimes I'm going to be giving off hater and I'm just like bro, like it don't even have to be this way, like you can just show me love and keep a push of like. Sometimes she definitely be giving me hater and I'd be telling her that, like it's giving hater, I don't like that for you. No, like, not for nothing. Okay, since you're being transparent.
Speaker 3:When it was my graduation, because I graduated and I could say this because I know she's not going to listen to this episode I don't know my mom might supportive she is, but, um, oh, she might, yeah, yikes, but um, yeah, so for graduation, like I didn't even want my mother there and she was there and she, she.
Speaker 1:I love her for everything that she did. I really appreciate it because she surprised me. Like from the experiences that I had with her in the past, even with my sister's graduation and everything, it's like they never really made you feel like it was your day because you always had to do it. And it's like, bro, I just did this, like can I just play, like I don't even want to go out to eat, let me just play, enjoy it like bad skin a moment.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Just like.
Speaker 3:I just want to just like whatever I want.
Speaker 1:Yeah, just happen to you, yeah, like I don't want to do what you want me to do. I don't want to do what you feel like I should do in this moment. Whatever I feel is right in this moment, that's what I want to do, and if it's jumping around, let me just jump.
Speaker 3:And it's scary because I see people, grown people, still like living to fit that perception of what their parents want them to be and I'm just like yeah scary yeah, Listen a lot of you wasted how many years just to please your parent, for them to be like yeah, I was that right, do better. It's never going to be enough. It's never.
Speaker 1:And a lot of adults I feel like you really need somebody in your life as a child who's going to be real with you really, because a lot of adults that we think are adults or whatever whatever an adult is because literally everything that we know is what society tells us. None of this shit is real. So let's just start with that. So adults whatever our definition of adults are they're just grown people who are still digesting things that happen to them.
Speaker 1:As a kid, you talk to them and they're still that 10 year old that got hurt, or they're still that 15 year old that got raped, like they're still in the places where the trauma is at, just in a mature body. And because society tells us to respect adults and to do what an authoritative figure says, we think, oh well, if my grandmother says that all men ain't shit, then all men ain't shit. But really grandma is just hurt because Frank hurt her feelings in 1942 and she never healed from that, literally. So it's like you get to a point where you're just like do I listen to what people tell me to listen to, or do I listen to myself?
Speaker 3:See, that's the analogy you're getting back to. I shared this analogy with you. This is something my brother taught me when you become an adult, and that was like my first teacher that really taught me to gain my life, because I seen how my parents, the parenting style of my parents, affected him and I'm like let me learn from that and avoid certain things.
Speaker 3:But he really paved the way for me. But one thing he taught me was that being an adult is to basically growing up. You have an angel and a devil on your shoulder right Telling you what's good and what's not good, and that's like virtually your parents telling you what things are good and what things are not good. And to be an adult is to have the willpower to take those angels off your shoulders, which are your parents, something that's good and not good, and actually taking the initiative to tell yourself what's good and what's not good for you and having that willpower to take those angels off your shoulders and live for yourself, not to please Period.
Speaker 3:And that's like you know, like I'm not going to be like anybody. Yes, and he really paved the way because he went through a lot. He went through a lot and, like I, would have been a little pruned, like I would have been so like so awkward and scared of life scared of life. If I didn't see him really living his life, I would have really been like a shell in my turtle a turtle, a turtle in its shell.
Speaker 1:Okay, I feel you. I really do feel you yeah.
Speaker 3:Damn. But yeah, seeing he really knocked down some doors because, like I said, I lived in a strict household and seeing him get beatings like on a weekly basis was like something I came home to. Seeing him get his ass beat for not following the rules and that he had to do that to like make it easier for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I get it. And then, luckily for him, he was getting beat. And I'm gonna be as transparent. I literally spent high school to damn near I would say since COVID fighting my mother, and she will tell this story as if I wanted to fight her. Who in their right mind would wanna fight their parents? Yeah, that's crazy, Like literally fighting.
Speaker 1:And if you've seen my mother, she is a volumptuous woman. I am a size, small, sometimes extra small. I have no business and literally because of that, it really made me like see life differently, Cause it's like if my own mother would be so furious and have that much anger inside of her that she would feel comfortable to physically fight me inside of my house, to the point that it would be my younger sister just screaming and crying and even my grandmother just screaming, like to experience that and then try to live as if, like that never happened. That really hurt me. It really hurt me and I constantly went through life acting as if it didn't hurt me. But you know what I would say for people that are just like me, because I didn't have a lot of family members besides the family that's on my dad's side Shout out to my cousin Naoka Besides them, like literally. If it wasn't for them growing up, because of how, all the trauma, back to that that my grandmothers and my grandfather did to my aunts and uncles, they moved away. So now it's just me, and I grew up as the only child.
Speaker 1:My sister and me were 10 years apart, so I had to believe in something and that's what made me really like I need a relationship with God, because I can't figure out life. I cannot figure this out and I realized everything that I'm doing is wrong. I feel like the universe is against me. But it's not that those things are true. It's because I don't have love within myself. So I don't have love and trust within God. And the more that I have a relationship with myself and I follow my intuition is the more that I'm able to believe in God and trust that God will guide me and trust that you know what. Everything will work itself out eventually If, as long as you have discernment and you really come from a genuine place, you pray and you just talk to God about everything, literally everything that's meant for you will just fall into place.
Speaker 1:So for me, what helped me was literally building relationship with God Like I needed it. I needed it. Like he saved me from myself because literally it would. I was literally at a point where I was actually suicidal, believe it or not. Like I was that depressed because of the shit that I was just going through at home. Like when I first went to college, my mom wasn't giving me money. She told me that I had to pay my tuition myself. And if I say these things, this is my version of the story and she'll say that I'm a liar. These things didn't happen. But what do I have to lie for?
Speaker 3:And my thing is like as a parent, like your child turns 18, you send them off to college. It's like, just because you send them off to college and you don't see them anymore, sometimes it kind of gives them the green light to like ignore you in a way, like I see you every day, so you know you're away, you're good.
Speaker 3:And I feel like it's a very like westernized culture specifically to like try to rush your kids to grow up and it's kind of contradicting cause they treat you like a child still, but then they want you out the house and paying bills yes yes, it's like what do you really want Exactly?
Speaker 3:You know and I dealt with that with my mother where it's like everything is so like you're counting every dollar, you know, like I spent this at the store, so like you have to pay me back cause you know I paid that and it's like it's very draining.
Speaker 3:It feels like it feels like we're going backwards in a way because we're in this new age generation and prices are high Like this is the highest it's ever been in like recorded history. I feel like you should willingly want to like still try to support your child, especially when it comes to financially, and if you don't have the means to do that, I understand. Have that conversation back to you. Have that conversation. You is all about delivery at the end of the day. Yeah, all about delivery Like you, not don't sit here and be like I pay for this, like I paid for the light bill I paid for this.
Speaker 3:You know, like throwing all of those things on me, as if you didn't make the choice to spread out to Y'nahti. Oh my God, listen.
Speaker 1:I told my mother all the time. That's the whole difference. I did not. I did not ask to be in this world. And then she tells me that she didn't ask to be in this world. So we're just going to keep this cycle. So when I have kids and my child is saying she didn't ask to be in this world but I laid on my back and had her, like it doesn't make no sense, realistically. You bring a child into this world. So what is your job as the person who brought the child into this world? Just to bring them out. So you're not supposed to teach them about life. You're not supposed to show them no compassion, you're not supposed to be there for them when they're down. You're not supposed to do any of the nurturing stuff that you did when there was a baby. You just throw it out the door once they're older. And now they have feelings and whatever. And don't get me wrong maybe as a teenager, I probably was combative, I probably was rude, but you're a teenager, I'm a teenager. That's how teenagers are.
Speaker 1:So, you're going to hold that against me because of those times you got Billy.
Speaker 3:Bob telling his mom fuck you mom. Exactly. It's okay, billy, I know you're going through something. Hello, I just want that type of support.
Speaker 1:No, literally, and you know what I got to say. You know what I realized that my family was fucked up because of my best friend. Oh my God, I love her. She is the most amazing person I've ever met. Her family, I'd say all the time I'm adopted into their family. They're Belizean, they're Caribbean, but the way that they're so loving and they're so authentic and they're so real. They don't act like how my family acts, like trying to be perfect and be this. They're united simply off of the fact of their love for each other. They don't act like they're this most perfect, Like literally. You talk to any one of them, they'll tell you we ain't perfect and I love that.
Speaker 3:so much about them, like they are just and they're so loving. They're transparent the way that they love each other.
Speaker 1:That's how a family is supposed to love each other. No matter what, Like even on their bad days, they love each other. And on the great days it's just so much like the way that they show support for each other on those best days. Oh my God, I just love to even just be a part of it, just to experience it. I just love Because it's like to know that it's really not everybody out in this world that dysfunction.
Speaker 1:Yeah there are some families that actually do know how to love each other, and I love that for her because it's like now, when she has children and they're lenient of children, they won't have to heal from nothing. It's not gonna be hard for them, as it was for me in life, because all those barriers was already broken. All they gotta do is just live in love and continue that and just keep loving each other. So shout out to Lana.
Speaker 3:And I feel like that's the cheat code. The cheat code right there is having unity. Yes, because I feel like that can, like, really set the tone for your future. I truly believe your family is your link to your past and your future, and understanding their past can predict your future. Yep, and really sit down and understand why is my mother's so triggered when I do certain things, and then that can make me move, more aware about doing certain things in the future and I'm not moving or rehearsing triggers, and that can honestly change the whole trajectory of just your vitality and your longevity, especially when it comes to, like, your family dynamic, and I feel like that's so important.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, I agree, I definitely agree. Yeah, because even when you think about, like your grandparents, you don't see them all the time. Well, a lot of people don't see them all the time, right, but it's still that connection there where you know like that's my blood, that's my lineage. That's such a powerful feeling because they literally are like it's all connected, like you know. It's like this person really made that decision and then they had that child. It's like just having these conversations.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you like. I felt that because for me personally, with my grandmother coming from Haiti, it's like she came in the 1950s, 40s. That's beast.
Speaker 3:That's a lot of time.
Speaker 1:So by the time she came here, it was definitely segregation, it was definitely still probably weapon people.
Speaker 1:Mind you already coming from the first Caribbean country and the first country to gain their independence from slavery, so you know that her upbringing definitely wasn't the easiest. So then, on top of that, now you come to America, where they're segregated, you don't speak any lick of English. Then you have five kids and it's like you wanted the best for them, but then now like they all fucking hate you. So it's just like the shit is just insane to me. But literally I feel like growing up I learned everything that I did not want to be. I saw everything that I did not want to. I didn't want no parts of everything that I saw growing up. I'm like, yep, this is exactly what I won't do, and that's exactly why I still don't have kids now.
Speaker 3:Damn, and it's like I was heavy on the FDK, FDK, FDK. If you rewind the clips, you could see me saying that in 4K like fuck them kids. But recently I'm like, do I really feel like that? I think it's more so being in environments where I see the effects of people not taking parenting seriously and I'm like I'm not them. I know my child's going to come out great lit.
Speaker 1:That's going to be my best, we're going to be outside.
Speaker 3:So I had to really unlearn that, because me and my brother you always say that Fuck them kids, we never have any kids. But recently I'm like damn, I kind of want kids and I really want to unlearn stuff and learn to forgive and learn to not be triggered by certain conversations. And I want our relationship to be transparent.
Speaker 3:So in order for that to happen. I feel like, honestly, I need to have that with my mom first. I have to have that because it's not like I could build from something I don't really have. I have to have a foundation to build, and I'm really fighting for that. I'm really fighting for that. I don't care how hard it is. I'm not going to give up because I know one day that family dynamic is going to be back to where it once was. And that also comes with accepting that they're not perfect. They have insecurities, they have flaws, they had a life before me and, yeah, just all of that, keeping all of that in mind.
Speaker 1:So do you feel like there's any positive impact that you have learned from your parents.
Speaker 3:Of course, they made a great, well-rounded being. I get my drive from my mom, my ambition. Every day I wake up I'm trying to do something. I'm really on goal every day and it's natural to me. It doesn't feel like work and I get my kind heart, my kind spirit, from my father. I'm very calming I would like to think I'm very calming to be around. I try not to stress certain little things. I try not to worry on certain little things. I get that from my father, very calm mannered. I got a lot of attributes from them that I value, but there's also attributes that aren't going to be good too, and it's not like I want to be perfect but I still want to feel like when I talk about my parents. It doesn't feel triggering to me. That's really when I want to get down to the nitty gritty. Why do I feel so conflicted when I talk about this topic? It's because I'd never had that conversation with them. I yearned for that conversation, so yeah.
Speaker 1:I would love to be in a place where me and my mom could just be friends, because I know that she wants to have that control, where she can say Destiny, go do this, and she expects me to do that, and I'm not doing it. I'm not. I am literally turning 25 this year. I'm not doing it, I'm turning 30.
Speaker 3:No, but that ass.
Speaker 1:I'm soon going to be, so it's like I'm not going to do whatever you tell me, and you just have to respect the fact that I am entitled to that.
Speaker 3:And you see, the toxic thing is I'm doing what she tells me, even if I don't want to do it and I'm crying, doing it Like that's not okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's not okay. It's really not okay. Like I just want to be besties with my mom, where I could tell her my tea, like I just want to tell her my business so she can give me advice.
Speaker 1:Like legit, no, for real. Like literally, I am friends. All my friends are the opposite of me. I feel like they all have better relationships with their parents and I purposely want them around me specifically for that. Like I want people who surround me that have better qualities than I have. So where I lacked, I want you to be better. So that's why I really like I value my friendship so much, because it's things that they're showing and teaching me that they don't. They're not even aware that they're teaching it to me, but I am and I value them so much for the smallest things. So it's just like, literally, I just want to tell my mom my tea so she can know, like, what's really going on. You know what I'm saying. Like I want to tell her.
Speaker 3:You're really free to me. I'm trying to let you know why I'm going.
Speaker 1:Like just you know, like I want us to be able to talk and just really get along, Like it should be no reason at our big ages that we have problems Like what do we really be thinking about?
Speaker 3:Like what do we be thinking about? A whole lot of nothing, a whole bunch of bullshit, okay, a whole lot of nothing Me mom Cause, like, if like something, god forbid, cause I know you were going through like your mom in the hospital and stuff, and it's like all those problems disappear right. Yes, are you what Exactly? And it's like all of that petty fighting doesn't matter in that moment where it's like yo, like I could have really lost you. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:All of that doesn't matter. And the fucked up part about that is when I show that type of care is either her or my grandmother would be like oh you really care? That is my mother. Yeah, I only have one parent. Why the fuck would I not care? Like I don't care, how bad it may seem to somebody else? Yeah, me and my mom may not have the best relationship, but I would die for her, like I would literally walk in front of a bullet for her. It's nothing that I wouldn't do for my mother, no matter what. And the same goes for my sister, like she knows. It's nothing that I wouldn't do for her.
Speaker 1:Yes, they do piss me off and I should be able to vocalize that. But at the same time, just because you make me mad one day or we argue for a few days whatever the case may be, we have our ups and downs I would never not stop loving you. I would never not go to war for you. I would never not wish you the best. Just because we're off one day, it doesn't mean that I hate you and I want the worst for you. No, that would not ever be it. And even with family, friends, relationship, just people, period Like no matter what, it's always going to be love, even on the bad terms.
Speaker 3:Well, not with all friends, but Now some people you just gotta let go.
Speaker 1:You're gonna need to fight Some people. You just gotta let go.
Speaker 2:But when it comes to family, you can't really let them go.
Speaker 3:Realistically, it's always gonna be some type of bond there. Like, even down the road, cut them off, it's gonna come back to bite you in the ass, Even when it comes back to how you move throughout your relationships, like what you were talking about earlier. You don't have a good relationship with, say, your father. Now you see, you're moving certain ways with other men because you're not healed from that. You know you just out of here, spread it in wide open for anything and it's like oh snap, I'm damaged.
Speaker 1:That's why, Like you know, I feel like a lot of people they don't try to dig that deep into themselves. Like they don't try to see the things that they're doing where it stems from.
Speaker 3:And it's not even that they're not. It's like they're comfortable in the habit. They don't wanna give up that version of themselves, yep, and then do the work to build that new version of themselves, cause you gotta say bye, like that other person deceased. Now you gotta really kill that person and they don't really want to go through that process of becoming reborn, in a way.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of fake healed, fake God following people and whatever God that they follow, that is not the same God I'm following. Whatever healing that they think that they're doing is not the same healing that I'm doing Like people really have a false reality and perception of a lot of things in life.
Speaker 1:Talk about it as far as values and morals. They live in this facade that they're doing the work that needs to be done when in reality they're not even taking the time to even crack open that door to figure out the work that needs to be done.
Speaker 3:They didn't even knock on the door for real.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, for real, and I know a lot of people like that.
Speaker 3:It's like, just cause you got Sage, just cause you know every astrology sign and its characteristics.
Speaker 1:You went to church Sunday.
Speaker 3:Can? You went to church Sunday and your pastor knows your name Just cause you eat healthy, just cause you know how to read tarot cards and stuff. Yeah, that does not mean you are spiritual, that does not mean you are God-faring.
Speaker 1:And you still have the same problems. You still continue the same cycle. You still talk to people nasty, but you don't wanna be held accountable for that. You still don't know how to treat your friends good, but you don't wanna be held accountable for that.
Speaker 3:And then these people that do like they idolize these actions, like, oh you know I'm vegan and you know I'm all healed, and stuff People that idolize these actions a lot of the times it's like they don't really believe it. It's like they're trying to convince you that they are Convince themselves, yeah, but at the same time they're trying to convince you to see if you will fall for it that they're this higher entity or they're this better than you Like. No, we're the same.
Speaker 1:Oh my God no Cause heavy on better than you. A lot of people for some reason think that because of whatever minuscule things that they're doing in their life, that they're better than the next person. You're journaling, mind you. No matter how much money that you have in this world, you still have the same problem as somebody else that has less money than you Literally, life is Probably more.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like life is so unpredictable and it's no, it's no it's no like Definite way to live People be on social media talking about oh, do this eight hours a day. Do this work out every day, eat this. That works for you, exactly.
Speaker 1:And it's probably not really working for that and I'm happy for that.
Speaker 3:And it's probably barely working for you.
Speaker 1:You're probably just trying to market it to me Exactly as if it's working and you just go out to buy it to your program, exactly.
Speaker 3:And I'm gonna shout out to you but it's me you need to figure out what works for you.
Speaker 1:And a lot of people. They don't know how to do that. They see things and they think like, oh, okay, I'm gonna do that because I see like this seems like something good Copy and pasting.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like people have a very much lack of discernment. They have a lack of following their intuition and it's funny because those types of people they reflect that in their relationships. Those are usually the most toxic relationships and when you have conversations to other people about them, they would never think like this is what's happening, because they seem like such a good person. But a lot of good people have shitty ass characters. Facts Did we just get off topic?
Speaker 3:Nah, it is good. Everything's on topic here. We in sync, here we is. You wanna say anything? Last words?
Speaker 1:Um, my last words are for anybody that can relate and feel like they have the same problems or whatever the case may be. As far as family, you know just having a hard time finding figuring out yourself because of your family I would say it starts with you. Build a relationship with you and if you can't figure out where that relationship starts, start with God. Pray, learn how to pray, learn how to read the Bible. Just believe in something, because you need to believe in something in order for you to know that things are real, that you can really obtain things.
Speaker 1:So if you can see yourself and imagine yourself achieving things and just believing in yourself and your inner being, that will literally reflect and allow things to be easier for you. It allows you to attract people that are literally on your path and makes life a little bit more worth it. You know Like you'll gravitate towards people who understand you, who love you the way that you need to be loved. Give you your flowers the way that it needs to be given. So definitely I would suggest, like, start with you, give yourself flowers, tell yourself all the things that you wished, that your parents told you, or you wished that your family, seen in you See it in yourself. First Talk to God about it and allow God to do the things that he needs to do for them and also for you.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, God did, perrier, god did. I'm sure he did. Yes, he did Amen. I appreciate you for coming on the podcast today, destiny, you didn't have to do this, but you did.
Speaker 1:I really appreciate you for even thinking to allow me to be here. Like you wanna hear the things I gotta say, yeah.
Speaker 3:Like you be talking, you so real like it wrong Like thank you for having me.
Speaker 1:I really appreciate you, yeah.
Speaker 3:Okay, Thank you If you made it to the end of another episode. I appreciate you. Shout out to you real you lawyer. I appreciate you. Hope you got some value from this episode. Hope you took away some things. I hope I awakened some deep, dark thoughts that you didn't even realize. It was like oh snap, oh snap. I didn't even know I was unhealed, but now I'm healed or I'm getting there, you know. I hope this really ignited that fire in you to be healed. Oh, oh.
Speaker 1:It's mind over matter, baby, it's mind over matter baby.
Speaker 3:Tell a friend to tell a friend, to tell a friend. Mother, that is mind over matter. Baby Period Period. Period period pool.