#85. Shine Brighter: It's Time to Admit How Good You Are at What You Do

Limiting beliefs are tricky things.

And far too often, unseen cultural influences and societal norms hold us back from true success.

We are taught not to stand out, not to make others uncomfortable, not to admit that we’re good at what we do.

Don’t shine too bright! The world says.

Well I’m over that - or trying to be. :)

See - I’ve had my share of those moments too.

Now I’m pushing back.

I want you to shine brighter.

I will too.

Let’s talk. Listen to the episode.

~Wendy
   Xoxo

P.S. At the end of today’s episode, I’ve shared a free worksheet that I usually reserve for the students in my mastermind. It will help you clarify your purpose - and own what makes you awesome too. Find the link below.

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THIS WEEK’S FREE RESOURCE

This exercise is from our first lesson in EVOLVE, the mastermind and group coaching program I offer once a year. Although I usually save this for my students, I think completing it will help you push back against any messages you’ve received telling you to play small.

Grab your copy of The Quick Purpose Clarifier here.

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MENTIONED: 

• The Loudest Duck, by Laura Lisswood
• Shortchanging Girls, Shortchanging America:

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

You're listening to ideal practice, episode number 85. And today we're going to talk about limiting beliefs and why you've got to let that stuff go, guys, so that you can step more fully and wholly into the purpose, into the promise and into the life that you really want to live, and stick around to the end, because I have a little gift for you today that I think you might like too. So stay tuned. Hi, I'm Wendy Pitts Reeves and, with over two decades of experience in the private practice world, I've built my six figure business while learning a lot of lessons the hard way. This is the first podcast that shows you how to apply the principles of energy alignment and strategy to build a practice that is profit centered, but people forward. This is the ideal practice podcast. Hey guys, and welcome back. This is Wendy Pitts Reeves, your host here on ideal practice. I'm so glad to be hanging out with you guys again.

Speaker 1: 1:21

How are you doing? How's your week been? Don't worry, I'm not going to ask you if you're ready for Christmas, because I'm certainly not. I never am, until the last minute, so I'm not even going to talk about that. I will say that I had a lovely, lovely evening recently. I went to see. I got lucky. I don't know how this happened, but I got to go see the Christmas tour concert by Pentatonix and if you guys have been following me for a while then you know I got to see them this summer in Charlotte, north Carolina, and that was actually amazing. I have I love that group. I've been following them for several years. I'd wanted to see them forever and when I saw them in person we had unbelievable seats. It was a fantastic concert. Their sheer skill blows my mind. Well, I would never normally do this, but they happen to be coming through Knoxville. Well, that was too good an opportunity to pass up. So, by golly, we went to see them twice in one year crazy and they did not disappoint. They are really, really phenomenal. Well, this particular concert it's December. Yeah, it was not held outdoors, it was at a huge arena that's in our area and it was really funny. It was packed. I think there was something like 13,000, something people there give or take. And again, we had great seats and it was amazing in every way. But a couple of guys in the group kept commenting Wow, there's a lot of people here. Wow, there's a lot of people here, like that happened two or three times throughout the concert, which was really really funny.

Speaker 1: 3:05

And somewhere towards the end, scott the baritone, who is kind of the kind of the one of the lead in the group, he was talking a little bit about how this group got started. Three of them were friends in high school and they were in all the performance arts choir, theater, you know all the things and they really clicked. In high school they started singing together and, as I say, the rest is history. But he threw a shout out to the audience and he said how many of you here were in show choir or in theater or in something like that yourself? And of course the audience went kind of wild right, because there were all kinds of folks like that there. And it was really sweet when, towards the end, he said it's. He said we've been doing this for 12 years and he said it still blows my mind that so many people would come out just to hear vocals. And his point was like who are we? We're just a group of singers. We don't have a backup band, we don't have all the things. We're just a group of singers. And look at all you guys coming out to see us. And I think that was genuine, because there was one point when I was literally six rows away from them and could see them really, really well, and they were just kind of looking at the sea of faces around them and you could see. There's this kind of like I can't believe this is my life kind of thing happening, which was awesome.

Speaker 1: 4:30

And as I was preparing to record this for you, it occurred to me what a perfect segue, what a perfect setup for what I wanna talk about today. I wanna talk about that feeling that happens when you're on stage in some way, when your audience is with you, your clients are with you, life is with you, when things are clicking in a way that you can't quite believe, when you are standing out in a way that you can't quite believe, when the spotlight is on you in some way and it's awesome. It's just awesome because you know it's so good, you know what's happening is so good, and yet everything in you says you shouldn't be doing this. That's what I wanna talk about today. I wanna talk about those ways, those times when you stand out, when you stand up, when you shine in some way, and there is pressure not to do so. So I was thinking about this as I was preparing for this episode.

Speaker 1: 5:42

I have so many stories I could tell you, but I will just tell you one, and that is I wanna tell you it's a funny story that gets often told around the dinner table in my family. This is, you know how every family has certain stories that come up at Thanksgiving and Christmas and when all you're all together at a cookout in July. There are certain things that happen that the stories that people tell over and over and over right. Well, one of the stories that often comes up in my family is my mom will. Sometimes the context varies, but often it comes along out of something like your dad and I don't know where you get it. It's something along those lines we don't know where you get it. Meaning, we don't know how you've done what you've done. We don't know how you do what you do. We don't know how you shine, put yourself out there in the way that you do. Because both of my folks who are amazing human beings in every possible way, but they were not ones that were ever gonna be on a stage of any kind and when I'm talking about stages I mean literal but also metaphorical okay, they were not the kind who were going to put themselves out there in some way Not really, so they were always a little amazed by some of the things that I've done and my mom, without fail, will tell the story about the time that I embarrassed her.

Speaker 1: 7:01

There have been many, when I was in high school. When I was in high school which was a very long time ago, y'all I was really active in my local church and I sang in the youth group, in the youth choir. I'm not a great singer, I'm a great backup singer. I can carry a tune. I'm a really good. I can harmonize. I can, certainly. I'm a really good person that you wanna have back in the back with the crowd. But I'm not a soloist by the means. God did not give me that kind of voice whatever. But I do love connecting with an audience and I love encouraging and inspiring people and I love music. I love to have fun.

Speaker 1: 7:43

And she always tells a story about coming to see us perform at our church and we're talking. When I say choir, we're talking like me, 20 kids, right. So this was, this was tiny, this was not a great big organization, but she says that we were doing some fun piece of music and everybody in the choir was standing perfectly still and singing and following the director, but not her daughter Wendy. Her daughter Wendy was wiggling and dancing and moving back and forth and smiling at the audience and she was mortified that I wouldn't stand still and blend in. She was embarrassed because I was doing something different than those around me. Now I vaguely remember this. Couldn't tell you what the music was, it's been too long. But what I? I always feel when, when that story comes up and it's always funny everybody always laughs. Yeah, that, wendy, you know, you just can't hardly tire down. Ah, so funny and sort of slightly embarrassing.

Speaker 1: 8:47

There are multiple versions of this story throughout my life, but what I always feel when my mom tells that story is a mixture of a little bit of I'm a slightly mortified myself, a little embarrassed, but I'm also have this feeling of but, but, but, but, but but. I want her to know, I want everyone to know, I want people to understand that what was behind that wasn't just that I was enjoying the music and I couldn't control myself. What was behind that was I really wanted the audience to come along with us, because that's a feeling I often have when I literally speak on a stage or when I'm talking to you guys, like right now, I want you to be with me, I want you to come along with me, and when you are in front of an audience and you smile at them, they have to smile back Like people can't help it, right? So I definitely, like I remember that feeling of kind of like come on y'all, don't you hear how awesome this is? Join us in this fun, lively, musical, magical moment. Come with us on this journey, for this moment, as we do this show for you.

Speaker 1: 10:05

Well, that funny, little, harmless story is actually sort of a theme that I have seen happen over and over and over and over and over in different ways in my own life and in the lives of my clients. We y'all, we are told in all kinds of ways we get the message to stay small, to blend in, don't be a threat, don't think too big, don't aim too high, don't shine too bright, don't be thinking you're all that. So I'm going to preach a little bit today, y'all, because I feel really strongly about this and it is a theme that keeps coming up. I've actually been wanting to talk to you about this for a while. I have put a lot of thought into what I want to share with you today.

Speaker 1: 10:56

We are often told don't be thinking you're special, don't be thinking you're better than anybody else, don't be thinking there's anything awesome about you. You would never say that to a child, would you? No, of course not. And yet we do definitely say that to ourselves, and in various ways. We may not say it, but we certainly think it about our peers. When somebody shines, when somebody steps out in front, when somebody holds their hand up and says, hey, I got something that's pretty cool, that can help you, you want to come work with me? Or hey, I just did this cool thing that I'm really proud of. Yay for me, join me. Do we go? Yay for you, or do we go? Who do you think you are Right? I mean, it's very tricky and I know that there are multiple layers to this and I know that often we think both of those things at the same time Yay for you, and who do you think you are Right? Well, there's a lot to this and I want to unpack it a little bit, because I think this impacts your success as a practice owner, your sense of fulfillment as a healer and the overall well-being of your life.

Speaker 1: 12:15

I read a book once in fact I've got it right here with me called the Loudest Duck. I know it's a funny name, the Loudest Duck. It's by a woman named Lara Lisswood, who is a power player of her own. I met her at a conference several years ago and got to talk to her about this book. She went around and interviewed women leaders of countries and was trying to figure out what successful leaders do and what holds us back. And the reason the book is called the Loudest Duck is really funny.

Speaker 1: 12:49

She says that here in the US we have a saying, which is the squeaky wheel gets the grease right, which sounds like if you complain, if you raise your hand, if you make noise, you're going to get a tendon. Well, in some cultures they have a saying that says the loudest duck gets shot. Well, think about that. Two completely different takes on the exact same behavior. Her point was that there are multiple influences on our behavior and that when we are working with a team, a group, a client, those influences that are often completely unseen impact how people show up, how they respond to what we do, what they say, how they handle problems, all those things. Right there's. There are lots of seen and unseen influences on all of us, on all of us. But the main thing I want to say is that that concept the loudest duck gets shot. That's really actually.

Speaker 1: 13:46

We don't say that in this country, but that concept, if you stand out, it's going to hurt you in some way. You will be criticized, you will be judged, you will make somebody else feel bad, like there are so many ways that that hurts us. Right, it happens culturally a lot. It's amazing how often this is coming up with some of my coaching clients these days. I have I've had a handful of clients who are doing some work on ancestral healing, which has brought out some really, really interesting story, stories about things that I would never have thought to think about. If you are a Japanese American and your grandparents in some way may have been affected by the internment camps of World War II, well what does that say about standing out? In some way? I have, if your ancestors go back to Eastern Europe and certain experiences that your people had literally generations ago that taught you that it's not safe to leave the tribe, not safe to leave the compound, sometimes physically not safe to leave the building because of extreme weather or war or whatever other influences were going on. Those kinds of things that can have happened generations ago get filtered down through our unconscious and teach us to play safe, to be careful, to hold back. It happens with our faith traditions. I've had clients tell me that they were taught that if you are meant to be successful, meant to have money, god will do that for you. You're not supposed to go out and do that for yourself.

Speaker 1: 15:38

In my field of clinical social work and other areas like mine, there is a well understood belief system value, awareness, whatever you want to call it that poverty is seen as somehow honorable and wealth is not, which is kind of crazy if you think about it, because neither is either. It happens a lot with gender. There have been studies after studies after studies that show that girls up until around age fifth or sixth grade in the US are pretty wide open about what they can do and what they think and what they know. They will raise their hands in class, they will outperform some of the without guilt. They will show off. They will show off, which I love, but somewhere in pre adolescence, heading into adolescence fifth, sixth grade that begins to change as they become more peer conscious, more socially conscious, more Culturally aware girls begin to hold back, they begin to dumb themselves down, they begin to play smaller, because they get the message. There's tons of research that shows this. The American Association of University Women, aauw, in particular, has quite a body of research. It's very interesting to look into and it's disturbing Once you start to see it. It just for me, it breaks my heart and it has.

Speaker 1: 17:14

It is a lot that, a lot of that is behind what I do and why I do what I do. This matters because when you hold yourself back y'all, you hurt your family, you hurt yourself and I think, you hurt your clients. You limit your influence. When you don't admit what you're good at, you limit your ability to help other people and you limit your income, your ability to make a good living. You might be settling for something that's quote good enough when really things could be great. Because when you don't want to shine too bright, because you don't want to be criticized, or you don't want to hurt somebody's feelings, or you don't want to make somebody else feel bad Lord, have mercy. There are just so many ways that that has a ripple effect throughout your life.

Speaker 1: 18:03

I am here today to challenge you on this and to ask you to please give yourself permission to turn this around. Turn this around. The very first thing I invite you to do as a healer, as a practice owner, as a business owner, as an outstanding, amazing, awesome and talented human being who has your unique gifts to share with the world. The first thing I want to do is to invite you to shine brighter, because you have a purpose. You have a reason why you went into the work that you do. You have a reason why you decided you wanted to own a business at all. You have a reason for showing up, for getting up, for doing this work every day. There's something that drives you and it's something much deeper than what you're doing, just as simple as I need to make a living. I know that. So much more than that.

Speaker 1: 19:03

So many of you know that I talk a lot about what I call the seven pillars of an ideal practice, those aspects of your practice that need to be strong and healthy in order for your practice to be profitable and sustainable and enjoyable. Well, in Evolve, my mastermind, my group coaching program, that happens once a year as part of our work, one of the first things we do is dive into the first pillar, which is all about your purpose, and we often think we know this, but I find that this is actually harder for people than they expect to get clear about this, really beautifully richly clear. I will ask students to write their purpose statement and I have a whole process for how I lead them through this. First of all, I want them, and I want you, to think deeply about all the things that they've accomplished, that you've accomplished in your life, big and small, and all the gifts that you bring to the table. And when I talk about gifts, I'm talking about I mean our accomplishments. Yeah, of course I mean the graduate school education, if you have that, the certification program that you've got through, the life experience that teaches you what you know that you bring to your client's work.

Speaker 1: 20:24

Of course I mean that, but I also mean that time you spoke up about something that was really scary and you did it anyway. Or that time you applied for something that felt out of your reach but you did it anyway. That time that you let yourself shine even though it was scary and you did it anyway. All of that counts. I invite my students to think about those times and I'm inviting you to do that as well.

Speaker 1: 20:52

I also want you to think about what moves you, what fires you up, what inspires you, what do you find yourself feeling strongly about? One of the things that either get you really excited or maybe they just ticks you off. They tick you off whatever it is, but you have a strong feeling about it and you are inspired to action. You find yourself wanting to do something about it. I want you to think about what matters most to you and how your unique history, personality, experience, skill set intersects with that, because all of that is what brings you to what you do and why you do it. I want you to own your authority as an expert in what you do. I want you to step into your power and I want you to quit apologizing for who you are or how much you charge, or the fact that you take a month off every summer. I want you to admit it when you're good at something. I want you to celebrate when you do something brave. I want you to push against your own boundaries and the boundaries of the world around you that tell you you should not stand out or stand up. I want you to celebrate and I want you to be proud of yourself and be willing to say it.

Speaker 1: 22:24

I'll tell you what this was so powerful at BBD live, the conference in California, was that a few weeks ago, one segment of that conference he had, wedmore had a voice coach. I think I don't know if that's what the title she would have used, but that's how I thought of her. He had a woman come up and do some work with some people on stage around their voice, literally their physical voice, and how they spoke and the words that they chose. And in particular, she had a group of people come up and had them speak to the audience and say hi, my name is So-and-so, I am an authority on what. Hi, my name is So-and-so and I am an expert authority on what. And it was funny watching people sort of stumble through that. This was a business audience. These folks are entrepreneurs. Most of them understand the concept of an elevator pitch. They could sort of say their little spiel, but, good Lord, they were on stage for one thing in front of a thousand people, but for the other thing there was a certain hesitancy that started. That was there at first, but by the time she got done with them, they were, they were being who they really are. You could feel it and there was such a difference.

Speaker 1: 23:47

When someone claims their value and their skills and their authority in a way that is without apology and is not arrogant at all, it's just very matter of fact. It's clear, it's direct, it's passionate and it's easy to follow. It instantly draws you to them. If I were to ask you what you're an authority on, could you tell me? I could tell you like, on the front end, I am an expert and an authority on growing a really successful private practice, because I've done it. I've done it more than once and I have a boatload of experience with that. Lots of things I can say about that. But I am really an authority on helping people stand up taller, raise their voice, be who they are really meant to be and stop hiding in the shadows, because the world needs to see you. That's really what I'm all about. I want you to let yourself show up in all your glory, without apology, so that your clients can do the same, because when you are unapologetic about how awesome you are, you make it easier for them to do the same thing.

Speaker 1: 25:04

When I, as a 15 year old or 16 year old, was doing a little too much dancing in the youth choir. You know there were people in that audience that enjoyed that and that were able to come along with me in a way, right. Well, I'll tell you, for all that I talk about this and for all the work that I've done on it myself, I still struggle with this a little bit myself. It is something I have to watch constantly. Just in the past week, I've had two different people reach out to me about coaching with me at the VIP level the one on one level in 2024, which is kind of a big deal.

Speaker 1: 25:48

I always am a little surprised at that. Actually, every time somebody says, yeah, I think I wanna work with you. Can you tell me, like, how this works? And yeah, that sounds great. When can we start? There's always like one part of my brain is like yay, this is awesome because they're always amazing people that I thoroughly enjoy. Always there's another part of me that's like really, you wanna work with me. Are you sure why? Oh gosh, y'all. That's terrible, but that's the truth. That is the truth. I am always both really excited. I am quite confident I'm sure I can help these folks because it's perfect. What they wouldn't help with is exactly what I do.

Speaker 1: 26:31

I'm very clear about the value I bring to the table and, at the same time, there's a part of me that's always genuinely surprised, isn't that crazy? But that's why I wanted to talk to you about this, because that time that my mom said that about when I was in church. It's just a sweet, funny story and it makes me think of this dorky, goofy, silly 15 year old and yet and then the story is harmless. I mean, she means nothing by it, she actually says it with love. I actually think she's secretly proud I'm not secretly, she's openly proud of me, honestly. But this has been such a pattern for me. That's why I wanted to talk to you about this, because I have actually like I don't want to sugarcoat this Sometimes people aren't proud of you when you shine.

Speaker 1: 27:21

I've actually had many times in my life the stories I'm not gonna tell, but when I have been criticized pretty fiercely and even outright attacked for standing out in some way, sometimes in ways that were challenging, and it's not surprising that I drew that kind of reaction. But it was ways that I needed to stand out and sometimes, when it was perfectly harmless and I wasn't, I was just doing a good job and doing it well and got criticized in some pretty painful ways sometime. So I have had those experiences that all sort of stack up on each other right, and that added to the cultural waters that I swim in. And this women tell me that I too need to sort of be careful. But that's not true. I don't want to be careful, I also want to shine. So I constantly have to push against my own training and I want to invite you to do the same.

Speaker 1: 28:20

I want to say to you shine, my friend. Shine as bright as you want to Dance, as much as you want to Sing as loud as you want to Serve your clients in whatever freaking awesome way you want to Claim it, own it, share it, enjoy it, model it, and you will inspire others. Your practice will grow, your income will grow, you'll have more fun, but mostly I want to say you will inspire others because, as a young woman said to me at the conference a few weeks ago, when you shine your light bright, that doesn't dim others, it becomes a beacon that they can come to as well. My purpose statement is that I particularly want to empower leaders, and especially women leaders, to want more, to do more, be more, not because they are not enough, but because they are plenty. And I want them to do this for their own joy, their own wellbeing and so that they can empower others to do the same.

Speaker 1: 29:34

What's your purpose? If you were gonna say in one sentence who you are, what you bring to the table, what you care about, what you are all about, what would it be? How can you shine for others? I'm gonna give you a little inside gift here. I've decided to share with you one of the worksheets, one of the tools that I use with my students when we talk about this. It's called the Quick Purpose Clarifier. It's a little worksheet to sort of talk you through some of these things. If you would like to have a copy of that it's actually from my Evolve group, but I'm gonna share it with you guys If you'd like to have a copy of that, go to my website wendypitsreevescom Don't forget the S and pits.

Speaker 1: 30:24

Wendypitsreevescom forward slash purpose statement purpose statement. Wendypitsreevescom forward slash purpose statement and you can get this free download. It is literally the worksheet from the first module of this course, not course of this coaching group that I teach. So go get that if you'd like that. I think it might be kind of good for you, and I would love to know what you do with it. In fact, if you complete it, and y'all should be able to do this in 30 minutes or so, maybe an hour my students tell me that it was harder than they thought it would be to nail it down, but you can do it and it's worth it, and don't ever think it either. I'll say that I'd love for you to send it to me. Write me, tell me what your purpose statement is. Send it to wendypitsreevescom. I would love to hear that from you. So that's what I've got for you today.

Speaker 1: 31:23

I hope that this inspires you some way to shine a little brighter, to stop apologizing for what you're good at, to claim it, enjoy it, share it, use it and go somewhere with it, all right, because the world needs what you have. My friend and I'm not kidding, anybody who's ever worked with me will tell you I talk like this all the time because I mean it, and this has been such a big theme for me in my own life, and it is something that, as I get older, I am more and more aware of. I'm really tired of holding back myself. So I am challenging myself to be all that I can be as well and to speak with you as fully and completely and openly as I can. So that's what this is about today. This is pretty personal for me and I hope it inspires you in some way.

Speaker 1: 32:14

Love you, guys. I hope you have a beautiful week. I hope you are ready for the holidays. If you're not, that's fine. Love yourself anyway, because I do, and I will talk to you next time right here on the Ideal Practice Podcast. Bye now, phew, complete. Attaching a massage in my finger.