Alissa Alter: Sunny-Side Up Stalls Labor, Fundal Pressure, Heavy Bleeding and a 4th Degree Tear

Alissa Alter aka “The Amy Poehler of vaginas” joins us this episode to tell us all about her birth and journey to working as a women's health expert and motherhood advocate, with a side of humor. This is part 1 of 2.

Alissa found herself stuck in a bad marriage and an unfulfilling career when she decided she was done suffering in silence. She began learning more and more about women's health and encouraging other women to be open and unapologetic about their own bodies and what they go through during pregnancy and postpartum. She started Pilates for Privates to help women move and get to know their bodies, inside and out. When she started her own motherhood journey, she was certain it would be a breeze due to her extensive education.

Alissa's baby had other plans and presented sunny-side up during labor. Stuck in the birth canal, midwives had to apply fundal pressure on Alissa. She ended up with heavy bleeding and a 4th degree tear (an extensive tear that goes from the vagina to the rectum). She had an extremely tough postpartum not only physically but emotionally and mentally as well. She was very disappointed in the lack of support and education on how to handle her recovery. Due to her previous education in pelvic health, her tear healed well and she had a successful recovery.

As a result of her experiences, she started two podcasts and a website that focuses on education, empowerment and advocating for women's health. She is changing the narrative surrounding postpartum!

Find more information about Alissa at her website here.
Her two podcasts, Alter Your Life and Myth of Motherhood can be found here and here.
Her website pstprtm all about postpartum can be found here.
Follow Alissa on Instagram here.

Visit our website and blog: www.thegoldenhourbirthpodcast.com
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Transcript

 Welcome to the Golden Hour birth podcast. I am your host, Liz. And I'm your host, Natalie, and tonight we should prepare ourselves for a funny birth story from Alissa Alter

uh, she is live from Brooklyn, New York. Woo. Thanks so much for coming on the podcast tonight, and I'm your guest host Alissa Alter. I did not prepare an opening monologue, but I can make one up. I felt like I had to add that cause I, that was so good. I, I mean, I'm so flattered. So a little bio about, uh, Alissa.

She is the Amy Puller of vaginas, which I just, let's just keep that in our minds forever.

Woman's health expert and advocate. Um, and then former Broadway performer and like friend St. Louis. Friend. She was on the Muni, or In the Muni in 2015. Yeah. Mm. Um, author, speaker, and mover shaker. So Alissa, if you wanna tell us a little bit about your family and everything like that. Okay, great. Um, you know, it's interesting, um, like when you first say like, tell me about your family.

I think this is one of the transitions when you become a mom that. Talks about, so therefore I'm talking about it. Cause that's sort of what I do is like talk about the things we're like not supposed to talk about or don't talk about is. You know, I, in my head I'm like, does she mean like my parents? I'm like my brother, her.

And then it's like, no, like my family is my husband and my son. Right. Because like there is this transition like from your family of origin to like now, like my family is me and my husband Jeremy, and our son Everett, who it will be three in October. Mm-hmm. And, uh, You know, that transi, that transition is rough and weird as a new parent.

And it's also, I, it, you know, it continues to show up where it's like, it's not like choosing who's your favorite, it's just a natural evolution that affects everyone. But I think because we don't talk about it, it gets real weird. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. In a way that like could. Not necessarily avoided, but just like made somewhat easier.

What does Jeremy do? Jeremy is a, um, he manages a software engineering team for a mobile advertising company. Um, When we first met and were dating, and I asked him what he did, he answered, and I was like, I started telling people he was a hardware en, like a, or a computer hardware engineer. Like I had no idea.

And then I was like, I don't know, he does coding like beep boo, boo boo. And then I just started telling people he's the king of the nerds, which I don't even know if that's nice to say, but. So he's very technologically, um, knowledgeable and I always joke that he must seen me on my computer and just like, Like nails on a chalkboard, like it must just torture him.

Like as if I'm typing with just like my pointer fingers. Like, do, do, do you know? Like I know, oh, my, I know. Like three shortcuts. And he's like, you could just hit those buttons. What? It's magic. Um, Because I come from a more creative background. Um, in college I majored in both dance and Spanish, which the Spanish major was sort of by accident.

I just kept taking Spanish classes and then they were like, you know, if you just take like two more classes, you have a major. And I was like, oh, alright, cool. Um, oh, I did that. Um, and then immediately moved to New York after college, New York City and. Started auditioning and performing and I've performed all over the world and, you know, I waitressed for about months and then was like, this is trash.

I'm gonna get my Pilate certification because it, you know, if I need a job. Like a quote unquote survival job or something that I'm doing outside of auditioning or in between shows, I want at least the energy that I'm spending to be worth it. Mm-hmm. Or like to, to feel a return on it and for a little bit more predictability and not like working till 1:00 AM.

Um, and so I did that all through my performance career and it was actually 2015. Was a very big year for me, cuz I actually, I was married previously and it was around like, you know, the marriage had been deteriorating for, you know, in hindsight years. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Um, but sort of one of the like last straws that broke the camel's back was that my ex-husband presented the idea of starting a family.

And I was like, I can't, uh, I can't have a baby with you. Like we, I can't bring someone else into, Dyna, like, this is not a good relationship. This is not, uh, no. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And that, I in a lot of ways think that that's really kind of the, like, that moment was the beginning of my motherhood journey. Cuz then I was thinking about how I was advocating for these theoretical, like hypothetical children.

Mm-hmm. Right. And then, and not for myself. And I was like, if I'm not, if I'm not willing to. Child into this, like, what am I doing here? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So true, true. If that doesn't feel safe, like, am I, what do, do I like it here? Do I feel safe? What do I feel here? And it made it very, very clear. And then 2015 was also the year I performed at the Muni.

Mm-hmm. Um, and I did one more show after that and realized that in my personal evolutions, some of the same things that had led to my divorce. Were the exact same reasons that I was going to stop performing in that capacity, auditioning for sort of, um, what would I would say, like commercial, musical theater.

Uh, and I got back into comedy and improv and I wrote my own show and I performed a cabaret that was all about divorce and dating in New York in your thirties. Um, and. Through throughout all of this, I had been building my Pilates business, which had also then evolved into focusing on pelvic health.

Cause after I got divorced and I started talking about how unhappy I'd been and some of the things that I'd been tolerating, all of these people were coming forward

saying, I had no idea, Alissa. You never said anything. And I was like, well, Supposed to, and like everyone says, you get married and you stop having sex. So the fact that like we never had sex, like, and I'm not saying that as like a turn of phrase, like sex was not a part of our relationship and that wasn't like, we were not like two asexual individuals who were in agreement on that going into it.

Like we were not having sex. I just assumed it was fine because people don't have sex when they're married and people say that, but I think they say it as a joke and like are still sometimes having sex or like then I was having these conversations about like, well how often should you have sex? I'm like, I don't know.

I think that's like an individual decision, but like if you're not happy with it, you should probably, I would get, I would recommend saying something. Yeah. Like, cause I said nothing for so long. Mm-hmm. That this is where we ended up. That was also the beginning of me being like, you know, I picture Scarlet O'Hara with like a potato in the field.

Like I will never go hungry again. I'm like, I will never suffer in silence again. Like, I'm gonna tell everyone everything. And I started teaching, or I launched my company Pilates for Your Privates, which is Pilates, all centered around pelvic health. Mm-hmm. And so I figured my clientele was gonna, I was just gonna get.

Or pregnant people who are pregnant, people who had had babies. Um, but a lot of the people who came to me hadn't had children, weren't married. Um, because when it comes to our pelvic floor and our anatomy, we all have questions and we all have a pelvic floor. And people who've had babies are not the only ones who have pelvic floor dysfunction or even perfectly functional, like optimally functioning anatomy, but don't know.

Yeah, because like, what's normal, I don't know. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like, am I peeing too often? And like, you know, pe the, the number of people who've come to me been like, I don't know who else to ask, or I don't feel like I can ask anyone else but you. Um, which I, I take is a huge compliment, a huge honor. It is not lost on me, like how vulnerable and intimate that is.

And it really is, like, I feel very honored. People know that I'm not gonna judge you. I am just gonna share information or be like, here's the question I would ask, or you know, that I've also nerded out so hard in this area that I'm like, see a urogynecologist. It's like, what's a gynecologist? Like what?

There's a. Physical therapist just for pelvic floors. Yes. There are so many things that exist that we don't know about. Cause we're not supposed to talk about any of this because God forbid somebody says vagina. Right? Like a, my, my, my hoo-ha. My, you know, my, my private part, my like, you know, whatever.

People have the funniest names and it's like, well, that's a vagina. And also like, if you're talking about your vagina, talk about your vagina, but like your vulva is not your vagina. Mm-hmm. That. You know, there's a distinction. It has parts. You have parts like urine comes out of a different hole than you have sex in.

Guys, I listen, listen, but also women listen, there's different holes. Yeah. Like, and they do different things and like, A penis doesn't fit into your urethra or if you've like stretched and like made that happen, I would imagine just like based on my knowledge of how muscles function that you are probably maybe experiencing some peepee problems like.

No, cause like each thing is designed for something specific and while muscles are resilient, you know, there is a limit. Um, and then, you know, there's part of me that like, I don't know if I believe this or I just say this to make myself feel better, but, um, you know, I then met my husband Jeremy. Mm-hmm.

And I was very clear that, you know, I wanted, Have a family and, um, we, I was, I went, I took a street, a train, like straight to insanity bill. Like when I, once I went off birth control and tried to get pregnant, like every month I was panicking that because I got my period, it meant that I wasn't going to be able to get pregnant.

Mm-hmm. I had a lot of fear and anxiety around that. Um, but then got pregnant pretty quickly and. I, I felt really good cuz like I, I'm an expert in pelvic health. Like, I got this, like, I know how to take care of my body. I'm gonna set myself up for like, just a really healthy delivery and a great recovery.

I had helped so many people do that before. Mm-hmm. And, and then I, and then I had a baby and you. And, and it's really true. Like you, you, you can know all of it, but you know nothing. And, um, you know, I, I think for me, in hindsight, I really would've benefited from having a do. And I'm very close with my ob, B G Y N, and I love her.

And I think that I, what I underestimated was the, that like other dimension. You like that I would go to that even though I knew a bunch of things, like I wouldn't, it wouldn't be my, like my rational mind like that. Like I. Be able to look at myself like that. Like I would just, it, it's like a level of presence that there isn't room for anything else, which is incredible.

Yeah. Um, as a result of that, like I was not able to also accurately or adequately advocate for myself. Mm-hmm. And, um, again, all of this in hindsight, I, I was in back labor. Again, I bet like if I'd been holding my friend's hand, I could have been like, try this. Like maybe if you just stop laying on your back, like you'll be okay.

Like just stand up, like see if that helps. But no one said anything to me and I'm like in the triage room, just like literal, literally screaming. This is. Fucked up Who? Who designed this? What the fuck? Why is no one helping me? Just like screaming. Like, this is horrible.

And my husband's looking at me terrified cause he, you know, I've turned into a monster. And then I'm also like, Laughing at myself cuz I'm screaming out of the room like, wh why is no one helping me? This is fucked up. Like, where are you? And you know, I'm sure they were like, oh, it's a first time mom. Like, oh, we got a loud one.

And then I'm like laughing like, what's happening? And why is no one listening to me? Like, what the fuck is going on? And the reality was, I, my son, Sunny side up. So I was in back labor, which if you're laying on your back, is horrendous. It's miserable all around. I had a sunny side up baby too, it's terrible.

Count me up.

Started and they were intensifying. It would happen. I'd be like, oh, I do not like this. I do not like this at all. This is Jeremy. This is, why is it like this? And in between those, like I was like, this is ridiculous. If this happened to a man, they would've changed this. We would have developed something different.

Like, why is this, how this is different? This, this is what we get. I do not like this, Sam. I do. I do not like this. I don't like it.

And then again, in between laughing and being like, wow, that shit is fucked up. This, it's not cool. Um, so I got an epidural pretty quickly. Because I, I couldn't stand the pain. And it's like, again, in hindsight they were like, do you think you can walk to your room? And I did. I got up and walked and they were like, how are you feeling?

I was like, better. But I never wanna feel that again. Needle please. But chicken, like I think if I'd had a doula just like, you know, that third party, that person could have been like, why don't you try like walking around a little bit more and see if that can like progress things a little bit more before we do the epidural.

Yeah. I don't know, after I felt what I felt, I was like, I just, I, I don't want that again ever. Cuz it was horrible. Um, and you know, an epi I, the anesthesiologist, I was like, Started kicking in. I was like, I just want you to know that you are doing God's work. I'm like, I mean, I was raised Jewish and I'm not like particularly religious, like culturally.

Sure. But. It's like you are my favorite person in this hospital and you need to know you're doing God's work. If you want me to tell your other patients, I am happy to give you a testimonial. You can tell them I five you on Yelp,

because really you are. You are it. Um, and yeah. What a great like job you get to like, make people feel better. Yeah. While they're feeling terrible, right? I mean, you also have to handle needles, which that it would, that's not for me. I'm really glad it's for some other people like this person. Was there that day for me who I don't even, I could pass them on the street.

I have no idea who they are. Yeah. But I love them. I just know that my guy's name was Christopher and, um, I, yeah, exactly. I could pass 'em on the street, look at them, have a conversation with them, and I'd have no idea that, that Christopher was, They what I needed. Changed your life always in your heart.

Get a little right there. Yeah. Just, oh, Christopher. Um, maybe now in my memory, my person will be named Chris, although it was a, it was a woman. Who did it, but then I was there for, so you know, I was there a while, so there changed shifts and then it was a man came back at one point to check it. Um, And, uh, you know, things slowed down from there.

I slept whatever, and like, I don't know, it's such a time warp, like I had no sense of time passing. Mm-hmm. There was like, my labor slowed. There was there was Pitocin involved? There was, I don't, I don't know. I don't know. No one really told me anything. You know, like, and I was like, okay, I guess then we're just doing it.

And so eventually I, we started pushing, and again, like you could tell me that that happened in 20 minutes, or you could tell me the truth was it was three and a half hours and I don't know, I, I have no idea. What I do know is, Again, no one, no one was talking to me. Everyone was in there doing their jobs and doing their job well, but again, this is like hindsight and with some time mm-hmm.

That I can see. It's like this was a, this is a symptom of the way that the medical system treats. A birthing person, which is just like a body. Mm-hmm. Right? Like not the person. Mm-hmm. Um, and so, My, my son inherited from, not my side of the family, a very big head, and he was sunny side up. And apparently after the fact my Obie told me that my perineum, which I really call a taint, that's like what I learned as a teenager.

So like that's what I think like is short, was short or something. He got stuck. In my pelvis, but was so far down that no one ever mentioned a C-section. No one ever talked about it. No one asked. I never heard it mentioned. Um, But what did happen was that there were two midwives on top, like they called in more people, and there were two midwives on top of me.

I think technically. It's called fun pressure. Mm-hmm. Um, and what it is, is it's two grown adults on top of you pushing all of their body weight onto the top of your belly to shove your baby out of your vagina. Holy shit. And it was terrify. And while, I mean, I think another part of the thing was that the, my epidural worked so well that I felt nothing.

Mm-hmm. That I think even though, and they said, they were like, you're pushing really well. Which I think is also because throughout pregnancy I knew how to train these muscles. And being a dancer my entire life, Mike, my connection to an ability to, even if I couldn't feel it, kind of recruit and make things happen.

Pretty good. Mm-hmm. Um, but I couldn't feel anything, but I could feel the pressure and at one point I took the little's hand and shoved her off me. It's like, I don't like that. But I think that at that point we were, I mean, I don't know if he was in distress or he was go, like, at this point it, like, it became clear like things were not good and my husband was terrified.

But I didn't know that at the time, cuz I was just like, what the fuck is going on? And like, why are you on top? Why are you on top of me? Did anyone ever ask you that? Like, or that these midwives were gonna come in and help you? Like how did they even get a part of this? I, I don't know. I think like at one point, like there was like a nurse came in and out that it seemed more like.

Shift rotation or like she had to go check on another patient or something. Mm-hmm. Um, and then someone else came in and was like, Hey, do you need a hand? Like, I will say like their bedside manner in that sense in sort of like, it's not like they ran in and were like, I heard this is getting weird. Like, we're coming in like Yeah.

Um, with my, but I think that, I think that added to me this sense of. It was like obs, I, I just felt like I don't understand what's happening. Mm-hmm. Because you guys are also making jokes with me and like. Like HGTV was on the tv and I was like, I just never thought I'd give birth to HGTV at one point.

And so like, I'm cracking jokes because also that's what I do when I'm like scared and uncomfortable and they're laughing and whatever. So I'm like, we must be cool. But then they're like on top of me and it like, I'm, I'm exhausted and. Like finally he came out and again, I feel nothing. They put him on my chest.

Um, you know, oh my God. That moment though, I just was cry. I just kept saying like, there you are. Like there you are. Aw, there you're here. It's you. Like, here you are. Like, I'm your mom. You're here. It was like, cuz I also was three days overdue and I kept having. These like really angry meltdowns that why didn't he wanna come?

Like why doesn't he wanna meet me? Like does like all I wanted is to meet him and he clearly has no interest in meeting me. I'm like, I'm his mu, like these insane breakdowns. Um, so I was very happy he was here and then, um, and then I was like, you know, I, I, I, oh my husband. Said, he was like, can I sit down?

I'm like feeling a little dizzy. So he sat down and they brought him some juice and I was like, I would love some juice. So they brought me some juice and then I was like, I'm nauseous. And they were like, okay, we'll give you Zofran. And I was like, Hmm, I'm gonna throw up. And they were like, okay, we'll get the Zofran.

I was like, no, someone needs to take the baby. I'm going to throw up. So my husband took the baby I threw up and passed out. Oh my God. And so my husband's holding our son and sitting down, he's already dizzy because whenever it came out, the amount of blood that came out, like apparently there, there was like a huge, like the sound of it hitting the floor, the look of it everywhere because, so that happened and I passed out and I.

I was passed out, so I don't know what happened. Um, but when I woke up,

I looked at my doctor and she said to me, you're gonna be fine. And I was like, okay. And then I said, why are you poking my asshole? Why? Because I could feel her poking my asshole. And she was like, you're gonna be. And I was like, but why are you, why are you poking my asshole? And then I threw up and passed out again.

What? So by the time I actually really started waking up, no one told me what had happened. I think, I think I held Everett again, but I think then I was like, I'm just gonna go to s I'm gonna take a. Like, I'm just really tired. So then like, I guess as like the, some of the meds we're wearing off or whatever enough time had passed, um, in order to go to the maternity ward, like.

They needed me to be able to get up and go to the bathroom. Mm-hmm. Like and walk. And they were like, do you think you can walk to the toilet? I was like, by myself. No way. Like from the epidural they were like, what if we help you? And I was like, I don't know. I was like, she was like, do you think if one of us hold your arm?

I was like, there should probably be two of you. Like, I dunno, safety first. And so we go into the bathroom. And they were like, can you sit down on the toilet? And again, I was like, not by myself. And so they helped me sit down and I, I remember then like more blood pouring out of me. Oh, they wiped me and cleaned me, which I was like, this is, no one's mentioned this about post, like, is this what hap like, do.

Is it's, is this a standard service? Like what does, does everybody, is this like the VIP treatment? Like, what's happening? And they, they were like, do you feel like you're gonna pass out? And I was like, I don't think so. I was like, but I'm pretty tired. And they were like, do you think you can go upstairs?

And I was like, I don't. Like I, I don't, I dunno. And I ended up, they put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me up and they were like, do you wanna hold your baby? And I was like, I don't think that's a good idea. So my husband carried him. So who, you know, Jeremy was just like, still in shock cuz he thought like I was it again, there was no information given to us that.

He thought like I was dying. Mm-hmm. There was so much blood I threw up, I passed out. Like I was not conscious. I was like, it's not, I don't think I should hold our ba like it was a mess. And again, no one really said otherwise. Mm-hmm. Did you ha, was it like a postpartum hemorrhage or like it wasn't there?

There was some of that. There was something where my uterus wasn't contracting. Mm-hmm. But I, but again, I don't, I like remember snippets of it. Cause I was pa I was in and out. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Um, but yeah, there was some of that and there was a lot of, like, they did a lot of, um, Testing on me for the few days that I was there because I just missed needing a blood ref transfusion.

Mm-hmm. And it was like, if you are lower than 19, you ha you get one. And I was like, at 19, I don't 19 what? I don't know. Maybe the number wasn't 19, but that's the number I remember. So that's what it is in this story and they. And they were like, you know, asking me about like my symptoms and I, they were, and I guess I wasn't symptomatic of like so much blood loss that they were like, we won't give it to you since you seem to be feeling okay.

And you're like right at the cusp. Yeah. Um, but then like by the time we got upstairs, That was the first time someone told me and they initially said I had had a third degree tear. Mm-hmm. But then later a nurse came in and I, again, I'm cracking jokes because that's what I do and um, I'm like, how long have you been a nurse?

Like, have you worked here for a long time? Whatev, you know, just like deflecting, I think. Cuz I was really just, I don't know. I don't know what the word is. Like, traumatized in shock. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I don't know. Um, and she was like, you know, I've seen, I've seen women with fourth degree tears and they carry on.

Like, I don't, I'm gonna tell them about you, like, you're like handling this so well. And in my hand I was like, handling what? Like, I, I didn't understand. What had happened. Like no one ever clearly explained what this meant. Like this is my first baby, so it's like, I don't, I don't know. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, and again, like you can read all the books, but like, you don't know until you, what were you gonna ask?

Um, I was gonna say like, so when you said like, why are you poking my asshole? Was that because you had a fourth degree tear and you had no one? Yeah, it was cuz she was, had al probably at that point already repaired my rectum and was sewing together my anal sphincter. Okay, that makes sense now. Okay. I was like, what do you mean?

Like, why is she down there? Yeah. Like I was like, that's my asshole. Yeah. Like the baby came out of my vagina. But it turns out what I actually had is what I now call erect vaginal birth. Mm-hmm. And. My, I, I might be generous in saying that she's my friend, but, um, my friend Jill Carman says that it's the baby came out of like my vaus because, and like all I could think about and kept making jokes about was the Spice Girl song went to come one, because that's what happened.

I'm really happy the Spice Girls made intro into our podcast. I wouldn't think I'd happen as hard as a fourth degree tear. Oh my God. I know. And it's all you can do. Cause it is so fucked up. It is so fucked up. And it happens way more than we think, but also not a ton, but also way more than we think. And the fact like, I was, I have one friend who was like, okay, here's the deal.

When they say push. It's your butt hole. You gotta think about your butt hole and it's gonna feel like your butt hole's gonna explode. But that's where you need to push. And that's, and she was the only person who mentioned any sort of butt stuff. And I'm like, we are doing women a disservice. All women and birthing people need to know that your butt is involved.

It could tear. And also you, you can get better because that was really.

I mean, I just, I felt so gas lit from my family, from people around me, and I think it's because no one understood. Yeah. No one really grasped the gravity of this, and like in the hospital, some of the nurses and my ob like understood medically like what was going on and like, My ob, like I have her number.

I te was texting her, she was communicating with me, answering all of my questions like she did great. But there's, there isn't then a discussion of like, what that does to you emotionally. Mm-hmm. Like I, it, I mean, I, I don't, I. I don't know. I should ask, I should check in with my therapist and my psychiatrist to like, know if I'm cured, like, do I get a certificate?

But, um, like I've been working through like legit P T S D from it. Like it was really, it really messed me up. And then it was really hard when we got home and you know, I'd be like, well, I can't really sit up. And then people would be like, oh yeah, yeah, you get over it. Like that happens to everyone. And I was like, I, I have stitches in my asshole.

Like, I don't like why I, I'm try you. And like there were times where I was like, I'm not really okay. Like I'm not doing okay. I need help. And people are like, oh no, that's always like, literally just like, yeah, no, that's how it is. But isn't the baby magical? And then like at one point I yelled at my husband was like, fuck the baby.

The baby is fine. I am not like, why is no one helping me? And he was like, what do you want? I'll do it. Like, what do you need? I was like, I dunno how I'm now supposed to also figure that out. Like, am I not dealing with enough? Like I can't, I can't, I'm gonna lie down. If the baby's hungry, I guess bring him like, I dunno.

And like looking to me for the answers is I'm the mom and I kept being like, I too have never had a baby. And out of the two of us, I'm the one with stitches in my asshole. Like, oh my God, you'll figure it out. I'm not so true. I can't, nothing feels more relatable. Like it's, that's, it's, it, that's something that I, it's, I mean, there's so much, hence like I'm preaching in the choir.

Like, you created this podcast like from this same feeling of just. I just had a full baby. The full human baby capable of living a breathing air in the world, right? A full human baby. Fingernails, eyelashes, two sets of teeth in its skull that we can't see. Okay? I've grown a huge BA human baby. I mean, they're tiny.

None compared to a vagina or a, or if you're having a cesarean, not compared to like coming out the front door either like. Why is the assumption now that like they, I did, unless this ha I have not met anyone this happened to, but like, it's not like I downloaded a bunch of information into my brain and I now know the answers and like, yes, there are some instinctual things.

Mm-hmm. But uh, also those instincts are really born out of, I think, Believe like, and based on the science-y things that I know, there could be other science things. I don't know, like the way our brains change, we're just in tune with the baby and we look at them and we listen to them and. Something we talked about before recording, but referencing, you know, my opening monologue, Tina Faye and Amy Poller, in their books, they talk about the rules of improv.

Like those were the best things that prepared me for parenthood cuz you just, you are present in the scene. You accept the current reality that you are in and you played at the top of your intelligence. So, My husband is also fucking capable of that. Mm-hmm. But you know, there were so many times looking at me like, what do I do?

And I would just be like, I am new here also. Yeah. Run. I don't fucking know. Don't know. He's like, but you do it so well. Like you seem to, and I was like, I am throwing spaghetti at the fucking wall and whatever fucking sticks is the thing that I now say we're doing. Like that's my method. Like I. No, what you think I know.

Um, which is funny because like a lot of times in terms of like our relationship or approaching marriage or like when we were planning our wedding, I understood why he deferred to me. I had had a wedding before, I had been married before. I did have. A whole bunch of information that he, as someone who hadn't been married, didn't have.

Right? Mm-hmm. But at the same time, I was like, also Jeremy, I've never been married to the right person. You and I have never been married. So like I d some of that stuff doesn't really apply here. It's gonna show up cuz that's called my baggage. But like, that doesn't apply here. Like it shouldn't live here.

Yeah. But with parenting, I don't know. And again, I'm the one, like I have a picture somewhere. Like it's, I just wanted to be like, look at how many accessories are on the back of the toilet. Like that's what I have to do every time I pee. Can you Google the thing? Like, can you, like, I. You just are just going to the bathroom.

You're just going to the bathroom like you have your whole life. Okay, I'm gonna the bathroom, wondering if my stitches are gonna open and all of my vital organs are gonna fall into the toilet. I mean, that could have been possible. That's not like, that's not like such a dramatic, crazy fear to have. I was held together with stitches.

Right. That like without them, there was just one big hole at the bottom. Like it was not cool. And, you know, it, it triggered all this stuff for me. I mean, as a, as a Pilates instructor who had built a business called Pilates Sphere, privates who had supported women through pregnancies and childbirth, like successfully helped tons of women who were postpartum.

Whether it. Months or like decades, stop peeing in their pants and like enjoy sex again. Like, you know, I felt really confident and this, I was like, I, I am a liar. Who like, I was like, I failed, I failed myself, I failed my clients. Like who do I think I am? I don't know anything like, This wasn't supposed to happen to me.

Like if any, every, you know, I was supposed to sneeze and the baby comes out. But like, it's also like, in a lot of ways, and my OB said this at one point, and I promise you she said this in, um, a way that was like, we laughed about it and it was said with love and compassion. It could be, I feel like it could, there are contexts where it could have been snotty.

It was not where she was like, in a way, like you're kind of. Like the best person for this to happen to. Cause she was like, your repair healed really well because your muscles are, were really strong and healthy and, and like she said this and like it. Grosses me out, but I'm also proud. But also, this is why I'm not a surgeon.

She was like, it was like the muscles, like the tissue just wanted to come back together. I'm just like, but also like thank God, like, and like my recovery, like it was brutal because in what world wouldn't it be? However, you know, I'm. I'm in the fourth degree club, like literally I'm in the group on Facebook.

I follow the accounts like I've connected with the people and I have had a really successful. Recovery, like, yes, it took close to a year for me to be able to stand up off the floor without farting involuntarily, because your pelvic floor, it's part of like, it's a pressure system. And mine was broken, right?

So it took a while to heal. Um, but I can do that now. And you know, I. I don't shit my pants, although that did Ha j uh, not Jeremy, Jeremy's my husband, Everett's, my son Everett from daycare, brought home a stomach bug. And I'm just gonna be honest that I don't know if I would've stood a chance before having him.

You know, it just, that one was brutal. So, but besides that, which I don't blame my sphincter for, you know, like I'm continent, I have great sex, I feel. Confident in my body. I can still do a, I can do splits. Um, you know, I'm dancing, I'm jumping, and it's been the emotional side of it that really has taken the longest time and I think that complete loss of control, that feeling of being gaslit with I, which I think just as women, we know that feeling, and this was just it so heightened.

Mm-hmm. That I, it, it lit a fire of holy rage inside of me. Mm-hmm. That I don't think will ever burn out. Mm-hmm. And as a result, like you guys, um, I. Launched a podcast called Myth of Motherhood, um, which I did for a year. And then I started a new show, alter Your Life, um, which is like building and expanding upon what I started with.

Myth of Motherhood, but expanding outside of motherhood to really include the entire female experience. Mm-hmm. Because the, again, like so much of what was coming up in motherhood and that was resonating with people, mothers, and, and non-parents. Are part of this, this female experience of like being gas lit of not sup.

Like you're not supposed to tell anyone. You're not supposed to tell anyone you're married and not having sex. You're not supposed to tell anyone if you're married and you're having like fucking amazing sex all the time and like it's, you have sex twice a day and you like can't get enough of it and whatever.

I don't know. I don't, you can't tell anyone. If you're married and you two have great sex and you also have sex with other people, I don't know. I don't know your life, but whatever it is, I don't know cuz. Well, number one is some of my business like boundaries, but also like we're never supposed to talk about it.

Mm-hmm. Right? And we're never supposed to talk about that. Like, I, I don't like, I, I don't even, I still don't have, I mean, I've written about it so much, so I do have a lot of words about it, but I also still do not have the words to speak about like, How awful it was. Yeah. Like, and just how abandoned I felt.

Yeah. That that's why, and again, I said after my divorce, like I'll never suffer in silence again. I was like, on Instagram, I was like, I tore my butt hole. These are my bathroom accessories. Do you have any questions? Like, and like some of 'em wrote like, do you poop out of your vagina? And I was like, as far as I know, That's not happening.

I am now gonna panic about it and Google it all night and read every terrifying Google article about it because Google is terrifying postpartum. Yeah. Which is also why, um, myself and my two co-founders, Anne Oland and Blair Baden Hop co-founded the platform postpartum with no vowels, which is a platform giving a voice to all of these things that.

No one, um, tells us, or that it's like, it's like, it's like postpartum is like fight club. What happens postpartum stays postpartum and like you can't know until you go, like, and then once you're in the club it's like, oh yeah, it's super fucked up here. Okay, so here's, okay, here's what we,

um, so we created this platform to provide, like, to be a space to. Answers your questions answered in a way that doesn't then leave you. Not sleeping in between feedings and I'm pointing at myself during this, and instead just reading Google and silently crying into your pillow, which I don't know, maybe that was just me, but I don't think I'm the only one.

Mm-hmm. Thank you so much for listening to part one of Alissa's story. We'll be back next week with part two, where, Deeper into Alissa's postpartum experience, and thank you to Alissa Alter for being so open about her journey. You can find more info about Alissa Alissa alter.com and check out her two podcasts, myth of Motherhood, and Alter Your Life.

We'll have links to all of those and Alissa's Instagram as well as our own In the show notes, please do us a favor and rate and review our podcast so we can continue to grow. See you next week. Thanks.