Samantha: Birth Trauma, Postpartum Hemorrhage, Ectopic Pregnancy, Preemie at 26 Weeks, NICU Journey, Healing from Grief

As a mother, Samantha has traversed the peaks and valleys of childbirth with a resilience that inspires. Her vivid birth stories take us from the brink of mortality to moments of pure, miraculous joy. Samantha's voice carries the weight of her experiences, from battling a postpartum hemorrhage and a life-threatening blood clot to an ectopic pregnancy and the premature arrival of her baby at just 26 weeks. Her story is a testament to the strength inherent in motherhood, and in our latest episode, she generously opens her heart, sharing the crucial lessons learned about self-advocacy, the indispensability of support systems, and the arduous yet rewarding path toward healing after traumatic birth experiences.

Navigating the labyrinth of medical challenges that can accompany childbirth is no small feat, as Samantha's journey reminds us. She recounts the emergency procedures, the fear of misdiagnosis, and how family dynamics can stretch to their limits under the pressure of a crisis. Her experiences peel back the curtain on the emotional and physical aftermath mothers may endure and the fortitude required to face the realities of mental health struggles, which are too often shrouded in silence. Samantha's journey doesn't just illuminate the unexpected in childbirth; it underscores the importance of responsive medical care and unwavering emotional support.

Wrapping up this powerful episode, we celebrate the triumphs and acknowledge the trials of the moms out there like Samantha, who have faced down extraordinary circumstances. We're reminded that every voice matters and every story shared is a beacon for someone else walking a similar path. We invite you to join the conversation, to find solace and strength within our Golden Hour Birth Circle, and to share your own stories. Together, we're not just listeners and storytellers; we're a community united by the shared experience of motherhood's raw and beautiful journey.


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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Have you ever felt like your birth experiences left you with more questions than answers? In this raw and honest episode of the Golden Hour Birth Podcast, we sit down with Samantha, a mom whose births took unexpected and sometimes frightening turns. Samantha vulnerably shares her journey through a postpartum hemorrhage, blood clot, a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and an extremely premature birth at 26 weeks. Her stories will make you wonder how do you heal and find support when your birth deviates so far from what you envisioned. Join us as we explore the difficult emotions and incredible strength that come with facing the unknown in birth and motherhood. Samantha's experiences highlight the importance of advocating for yourself, seeking help when needed and honoring the unique path of your journey. Tune in to discover how to navigate the challenges and find beauty on the other side. The Golden Hour Birth Podcast a podcast about real birth stories and creating connections through our shared experiences.

Speaker 2: 1:06

Childbirth isn't just about the child. It's about the person who gave birth, their lives, their wisdom and their empowerment.

Speaker 1: 1:13

We're Liz and Natalie, the Golden Hour Birth Podcast, and we're here to laugh with you, cry with you and hold space for you. Welcome to the Golden Hour Birth Podcast. I am your co-host.

Speaker 2: 1:29

Liz, and I'm your co-host, natalie, and tonight we have Samantha, from Indiana, on. She is a mom of two, seven and four. Well, two Ages, seven and four, yeah, and we're so grateful to have you on tonight, samantha, it's great to know you.

Speaker 3: 1:47

Thanks for having me. It's nice to meet you guys.

Speaker 2: 1:49

Thank you, you too. So if you want to go ahead and start us off and tell us a little bit about you and your family, yeah, so Samantha, my husband's Greg we met at work maybe 10, 11 years ago.

Speaker 3: 2:05

Some were in there where he would be struck at times, so we met and after a short stint of hating his work ethic and we started dating and then he, over one Christmas, just moved into my house and didn't leave. Most people would kick them out after that but I was like all right, I kind of like you, you can stay so. And then, maybe two years after that, we were married and had our son, liam, so seven. And then our daughter, sophie's, four, and they are obviously beautiful and perfect and amazing now and when they want to be. But yeah, and I just, you know you look at us with mom, dad, boy, girl, perfect, complete family, and that's the end of our child there in here. So it's been, it's been nice.

Speaker 1: 3:02

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 3:03

Yeah you, my husband would probably have to agree with you. Boy, girl, let's be done. I'm like no.

Speaker 3: 3:10

Yeah, there were these times where I was like one of the four or five and then I think, after she was potty trained, I'm like that's it. Thank you for that, no more so yeah, yeah, if it would have happened before she was on a diaper, that would have been a possibility, but afterwards no. So yeah, that's definitely nice.

Speaker 2: 3:37

So what has pregnancy number one been like?

Speaker 3: 3:40

So pregnancy with Liam was completely a surprise. He was definitely not a planned baby and I had finally become a responsible adult and was like I should probably make my very first OBGYN appointment at the ripe age of 22 and figure out what that means for me. And then I did all of that and they were like you have PCOS. I would be surprised at the severity of what it sounds like that you would ever have children. If you do probably would mean some type of medical intervention. You melt down of failure as a wife and mother and all of that. And apparently at that time of all those tests I was pregnant, but it was too early, so it's apparently in very, very, very early pregnancy. That's what it mirrors. So they'd started me on medication and I found out that I was pregnant with him at like nine weeks pregnant. So I missed a good chunk of that, which I can't say. If maybe I had been a little bit, probably less in denial I mean, I was sick all day, every day. Every smell I worked in a bakery at the time Every smell that I once enjoyed made me hurl. I had my very own personal hurling trash can that went with me on wheels throughout the bakery. So I should have known. My coworkers were like you are like it's the medicine. A side effect is nausea. So yeah, nine weeks later I was like I should probably check that. And it did. And then called my doctor's office, who I'd seen one time, and they were like, oh great, then we'll see you next week for an ultrasound for a what. Well, yeah, so that was finding out, then trying to figure out how to tell my husband. By the way, we're like already a fourth of the way through this thing, so good luck with adjusting to that. So he adjusted his. Every man did incomplete silence for a while while he thought about it. But, yeah, so pregnancy with him aside from 28 weeks of severe nausea and, you know, just in general never wanting to leave the couch was perfect, normal. He was measuring really far ahead because his family has all like 10 pound plus babies. So I wasn't looking forward to that and I was scheduled to be induced, like 39 weeks, six days, because my doctor was going on vacation and Liam did not seem to want to be evicted anytime soon. But everything picture perfect.

Speaker 3: 6:30

And then my water broke day before my scheduled induction and went in. For you know all that my doctor's like you, just couldn't wait one more day. You know babies do what they do, so we went in. We, the doctor I chose, only went to this hospital like 45 minutes away from our house and in my previous appointment I was already like five centimeters dilated. So we thought this is going to be like a rush, what I know. Your water breaking doesn't mean that you have contractions, because you know that doesn't happen together, apparently. So I hung out for like eight hours that had me walk and do everything, but I never started contractions. So then we had to start the whole induction process anyway.

Speaker 3: 7:14

And eight wonderful hours later and two hours of pushing that I didn't no one explained that in movies either. You know that. You know babies just don't just pop right out. So I should have done a lot more research during that perfect pregnancy. But two hours of pushing because he had I don't even remember what his head circumference was now because I tried to block that from my memory but his head was just stuck on my pelvic bone and finally he came out eight pounds, 12 ounces, nice, healthy, perfect little man, all them. You know perfect. You know skin to skin, that you could ask for birth itself.

Speaker 3: 8:03

I always will say this like I have been through worse things. Those are upcoming, but I've been through worse things and it was not as bad no drugs than I thought it would be. So it was after I had him. He's on my chest, we're snuggling and I'm like I have to push again. I don't know what you guys did, but I have to push again and they're like and my doctor's already gone home because it's 2 AM so she stitched me up and she's out.

Speaker 3: 8:32

So they didn't nurse us Like your placenta's delivered, right. Yep, I'm stitched up. I've been to the bathroom. I am yeah, I'm laying there with my baby trying to nurse. For the first time. It's just contractions because you're nursing. Okay, I don't know what that means, but that's not what this is.

Speaker 3: 8:51

And so they kept coming over doing funnel massages and checking me and I wasn't bleeding any extra and I luckily had the greatest nurse ever. She was like I've been with you all day and I believe you something's wrong. So they're doing all these sorts of exams and nothing's wrong. I'm perfect, something's wrong. So finally, I'm in enough pain that I'm like in the fetal position and I can't move. They took the baby to the nursery because, of course my husband's. Like I'm hungry and tired and I need a nap. So baby goes to the nursery. I'm trying to figure out how to not die and they're not giving me anything for pain. Obviously, you just had a baby and I just had a baby without pain meds. And now I'm asking for pain meds, so somebody give me something. So they finally call my doctor and they approve metamorphine. They give me that. Apparently, I'm allergic to morphine, never had it in my life. So now we've got all the you know, benadryl and everything trying to stop that. Finally, let's see, he was born at 12, about 4 am.

Speaker 3: 10:01

My doctor comes back in because the nurses are like I don't know what's wrong. And she walked in. I explained to her and she's like, okay, has anybody done a rectal exam? And I'm just like why do you have to do that for? Like what is that? That's not where babies come from. And she walks over and she's like, just trust me. So she, I think maybe did a 30 second exam and was like okay, in the world's calmest voice. She was just such a level headed person in a room full of chaos and like I'm going to GG to call up, have the OR prepped, get this nurse and this nurse, and they know what I'll need to set up for the minute I get in there, start getting him consent papers, and then we'll begin.

Speaker 3: 10:50

And so she comes over because I'm still curled up in the fetal position gets in my face and is like okay, I know what's wrong with you. And she tried to explain it again. At this point I have no idea what's going on. Just make it stop. And she's, that's all I really cared about at that point. And so I said I will do whatever you need me to do, I will. And my logic was I will have five more babies for you if you just make this stop. How that was going to help anything, I don't know, but that was my rationale there. And she said I will make it stop. So we went to the OR.

Speaker 3: 11:23

I woke up at about eight and I felt perfectly fine. I was hungry. They're handing me a baby. I still can't feel my arms, but they're handing me a baby, telling me he's hungry. And then around eight o'clock all the doctors and stuff came in and everybody's in my room and I don't know any of these people, it's none of them my doctor. So my doctor finally came in later.

Speaker 3: 11:44

But I was the most popular person ever because they had delivered a nearly nine pound blood clot out of my body. Apparently, during all the pushing he tore she said it was about a half a centimeter outside of my cervix. If it had been in my cervix or in my uterus I would have had to have a complete hysterectomy and she's only had that happen one other time in her career. And but one centimeter outside he tore a gash in the canal and it had done what body you're supposed to do and clotted because he had pressed on it for so long while he was in there and it was able to clot. But I was bleeding into the clot so it expanded and expanded. So apparently every doctor had received a memo with a picture of this giant blood clot and I was just so popular because it was bigger than my baby.

Speaker 3: 12:39

So, yeah, she was like if I hadn't come in when I did and I came maybe just 30 minutes later you would be dead because we would have cut open that and you would have lost all your blood. And I go okay, well, that was fun. So what do we do now? She goes nothing, you're perfect. I stitched you up, I gave you your entire blood volume back and you're good to go. And I was, oh my.

Speaker 2: 13:05

God Do you have a pic?

Speaker 3: 13:07

No, no. She asked if I wanted any and I, hardcore, did not. Yeah, I was just like, can we erase that whole night Cause? I mean again labor delivery, perfect, and then that, and yeah. So we were in there for a couple of days. You know, he was normal baby things, john, did you know all of this stuff? And then we left and I had the world's most perfect postpartum picture after that.

Speaker 2: 13:37

So, like with him in the, in the uterus he was somehow clotting.

Speaker 3: 13:43

Yes, so the clock. His head had torn it because essentially I worked on getting his stupid head out for over an hour and a half. So in the process of repeatedly tearing in the same spot, his head was still managing to compress it enough that it never fully like tore to the point that I had like an open wound. It was torn inside of itself Like I don't really know how to explain it, like I didn't have an open wound like on surface level, but there was an open wound within the muscle. So in that it just continued to balloon and balloon and everybody doing a vaginal exam wasn't feeling anything because the blood was expanding backward.

Speaker 1: 14:35

Back so. So when they took you to the OR, did they go in vaginally?

Speaker 3: 14:42

Yes, they went in vaginally and essentially she went up to that spot I don't remember exactly how she I think she had someone do a rectal exam and essentially like poke to where she could feel it on the other side, and then she cut in that spot and then spent, I think she said, like in Linux 45 minutes just draining the blood while they were replacing blood and getting me to clot and getting all that medicine in me, and then she was able to, I think, cauterize it, stitch me, and while she was in there, just for good measure, just because we already had enough surprises, she did a DMC, scraped everything out just to make sure that everything was good to go.

Speaker 3: 15:31

So Wow, yeah it was and I mean I don't, I didn't have any extra pain from having stitches from way up there, from having any of that. I mean I woke up and I felt perfect, so pregnant. You were 23, 23,. I just turned, I was a week after my 23rd birthday, wow. And my mom and his mom were there after I had him Again, it's midnight.

Speaker 3: 16:00

They came in after we did skin to skin. It was about like one and I mean I was like shaking. I thought that it was just you know the after birth shakes that you get and stuff. But it was apparently cause of the blood loss. So, and they you know my mom and I said I mean she's shaking a lot and I'm like, oh, it's completely normal, it's not, mom had stayed, things probably would have been caught and fixed a lot sooner. But they said hi, bye, laugh went home and my husband I'm not sure he was invited to family gatherings for, like us, I'll add, like two months after my son was born, because my mom was so mad at him because he didn't call anybody, I went into the OR and he went to bed and, like I don't think he was processing anything, he was signing papers.

Speaker 3: 16:48

But you know we had been awake since. I mean, we got like a full night of sleep, but it was, I don't know, six AM and now when I went back to the OR it was four AM and it was just a long full day and he just he signed paperwork but he had they could take my uterus, that life saving measures, all of the things, and then passed out on the most uncomfortable couch of his life like it was no big deal. So yeah, it was well. I'm glad you had a good nap. I had a good nap too, from like four to seven. Great. I woke up feeling perfectly refreshed Then handing me my baby. I'm like I had a baby, like what, what is that? So then trying to figure all that out, and you know he had been, he had managed to, you know, nurse one time, but other than that they were just sitting in the nursery giving him sugar water, like I appreciate that, but I would have totally been okay if somebody just fed my baby. You know. So things you learn and prepare for the next time. That hopefully would never happen again. But my next doctor was fully prepared for that.

Speaker 3: 18:07

I did switch doctors in between Liam and Sophie because I had an ectopic pregnancy in between them and my doctor, who saved me after Liam, lover of its and pieces, was going through a lot of personal things in her life and I think it's a problem that I know about the personal things in her life. Number one, number two those things allowed her to miss that it wasn't just a miscarriage and that it was a tubal and my tube ruptured. I would have been roughly 11 weeks, so somehow it managed to go to 11 weeks before rupturing. So I have some really elastic tube, but that ruptured and I nearly died again. So I called my mom that time because my husband was at work. He was about an hour and 45 minutes away and I called her and Liam was almost two I think it was almost two and so he's sleeping it's like four in the morning, like something is wrong.

Speaker 3: 19:24

I had went to bed with a cough, I had taken some night. Well, it is two weeks before Christmas and I woke up when my husband left to get something to buy and I was like, oh hey, and I had just thought that I had a miscarriage you know what Six, four to six weeks ago, somewhere in that range, and thought maybe I was getting my first period back and life was gonna be normal again. And then what was period cramps quickly was like okay, something's really not right. And at one point I had gone downstairs Because everybody in every house has, I think, like a puke bowl or bucket or something. I had gone downstairs to get that because I was like I'm gonna get sick and after you have kids, you know, sometimes you need to be on the toilet at the same time.

Speaker 3: 20:19

So then you needed the bucket and I don't remember waking up on the floor of my kitchen and I'm like, okay, I know something's really not right, but still, I'm not gonna call 911. I'm gonna call my mom. I called my mom and she came over about like 30 minutes later when I had passed out on the way down the back down the stairs, trying to, because I went upstairs to try and pack a bag. You know, I gotta get stuff ready for my kid if I'm gonna be going somewhere. So I had come downstairs because she was like I needed you to come unlock the door and I was like I'm gonna get my first period back, I'm gonna unlock the door, okay, so she found me on the floor, called 911.

Speaker 3: 21:03

You know they're like what did she take? What did she take? She didn't take anything. She woke up in pain and you know, like she knew I was sick and she had called Greg, you know, told him I had taken Nyquil before I went to bed. So now I'm just an OD. They have no other concerns in the world, I am just an OD.

Speaker 3: 21:22

So they managed to, you know, get me in the shed, get me in the ambulance, send me to the ER in the hospital. That's by me is not the hospital that that doctor, that my doctor would have been at and you know I'm like she's telling him. You know she had a miscarriage, you know she hasn't had a period yet. Blah, blah, blah, blah. They don't care about that, they're just, you know, doing a whole bunch of stuff. My HCG pregnancy test came back negative. They have no worries with that.

Speaker 3: 21:48

So we got there there around five and finally around 11. And I remember I had no idea what he looked like at the time, but an OEGYN coming in and saying this is an exopic pregnancy that has ruptured and she needs to be in the OR. You guys are gonna kill her. And at this point my mom had taken Liam home to nap because they were just telling her that I must have had some kind of stomach issue. I'd already had my gallbladder out, so then it couldn't have been to that. But I think my mother-in-law had been called and she was just like I have a feeling I need to come. So she got there right as I was getting rushed to the OR. So now she's signing all the paperwork, they're cutting all my clothes off and getting me in there and again like replace all my blood and if I hadn't been in there right then would have died.

Speaker 3: 22:41

So that guy became my doctor then. This is just the theme now Can you surgery on me? You're my doctor. So he was a maternal field medicine specialist, so he was great. Just luck of the draw that he was there and he was really detailed. I do have pictures I'd have to find them of the tubal and everything he was like. It was about this big of what I took out of you, and that was after part of it had already ruptured and broken off when he got in there, so, missing one tube, he was able to leave my ovary so still had everything work in and went through, scraped everything out and then sent me on my way.

Speaker 3: 23:26

Now that recovery was no joke. I will say that that one was no fun, but at that point I don't know. I didn't really process everything, it's just okay. So when can we try to have another baby Cause, like before, they were saying I was only like six more weeks. And now what's the goal here? And let's see, he said we could start trying to get in March. Good that he wouldn't advise it. When do we listen to doctors, though? So March came around and he started trying for Sophie, first plan baby. Let's not as much fun as it is. Just find out surprisingly. And but it was still at this point. Now we're being told you know other stuff to get into you cause you've only got the one tube. So essentially every other cycle it's not going to matter what you do. So, and obviously, like he could tell which cycle would be the next one based on what that was from, so I knew that this first cycle would mean nothing because I didn't have a tube there. So I was just going through trying to track everything and all of that, since I now know it's going to be harder and April comes around and we're pregnant, and so I ovulated from the side with no tube and it traveled and was caught by my other fallopian tube, because science is cool, so. So if he's my miracle baby in more ways than one.

Speaker 3: 24:56

So finding out I was pregnant with her, I wasn't supposed to start for like another, I don't know, like week, and I just I went to bed and I'm like I don't. I feel like I'm going to get sick. I only get sick when I'm pregnant. So in the morning came round, I tested it. It was negative. I'm like dumb, all right, fine. Later that day my sister told me she was pregnant. I'm like, maybe, maybe I just like had it because I knew you were pregnant, and she's like, no, I bet you are too. I don't think. So it came back negative. Like if I have symptoms, they say you should be able to test positive Like three days later. I'm just full blown thick. I'm like, okay, try again. And I was pregnant and our two dates were three days apart. So I, it was magical and perfect and my pregnancy with her I wasn't as sick I could survive, I had better medicine available and I gladly took it. And with her I did have I don't even remember, I can never say right Synthesis Pubus Disorder, essentially, you know, my hip read way too early, so she was sitting way low, way early and it just felt like she was going to fall out all the time.

Speaker 3: 26:21

Essentially. And my, my doctor being, you know the specialist, was always unavailable when, you know, I went in for appointments because she was doing surgeries and delivering babies. So I would always just get to see an nurse practitioner who I didn't really care for and I'm telling her, you know, something's not right, something's not right, like it feels like she is going to fall out of me and I was 25 weeks like four days or something, at this appointment that I had and like I can barely walk. It literally feels like she is just hanging out, like I have to walk with my legs all bowed, like I just can't do it anymore. I either need to be put on bed rest or something. I can't. I can't move anymore. And she was like you know, it's just because of this you need to keep going back to physical therapy. It'll be fine, okay. And then three days later my water broke at 26 weeks with Sobi, and again. Now I know that you don't immediately have contraction, However I'm not, so not supposed to have a baby for another 14 weeks. So Q freak out.

Speaker 3: 27:31

6 am my toddler's awake. I am walking around the house with a towel between my legs that I have to keep replacing every five seconds and I called my my mom. She was already at work. There was no coming to get me at that point. My husband is already at work.

Speaker 3: 27:50

Luckily, my mother-in-law came and got us and took us to the hospital and stuff, because I thought it was a I couldn't drive. It was. I probably shouldn't drive Like I don't know. I mean the hospital's only like eight minutes down the road, but just the nerves, the shaking the nerves. You know everything and being responsible for my kid in the backseat probably wasn't a good idea. So she drove about 80 miles an hour all the way there. We made it there in about about five minutes. It was terrifying. Never trusted riding before and then definitely didn't after that.

Speaker 3: 28:24

So we got there and then you know they're anywhere, coming, came up and again they're like you know it could just not be your water, you could be peeing in your pants. And she's like no, I don't think so. I have done this before, remember, so I know what this is and so you know. Of course it was my water, but this hospital only had a level two NICU or something like that, and they were like for a micro-premie you need to go up here. So that hospital's an hour away from my house. So my mother-in-law takes my son, my husband's coming back and then he's gonna meet us up there, and they're like it's not, for you'll be until you have the baby. I'm like when are you gonna have the baby? Like once your water breaks, don't you have a baby. So I had no idea that that was how that worked. I just thought that she was gonna be born.

Speaker 3: 29:16

So I didn't have contractions right away, but they took me in the ambulance there, which, right in the back of an ambulance, is no fun. I preferred last time when I was in college, that wasn't an option this time, apparently so uncomfortable. Got up there, my husband has my phone. I am just like here. How do I tell you where I'm not? Like you don't even know where you're going, so that, like three hour, if they told him to go home shower, pack me a bag, no one told me that. They told him that. So I'm trying to figure out where my husband is. How do I get a hold of my kid? Like what is going on?

Speaker 3: 29:58

And so I'm finally settled in. I've met all the doctors, all the nurses, and they've gone through and gotten detailed history from my doctor and I think at that point I was four centimeters dilated. So you know, at that point they're like you'll hang out for as long as you can. The more you drink, the more sheeps and the more amniotic fluid you have. But you're just gonna keep leaking, like that's not cool, you can't just like stow that back up there or something, and they don't think that.

Speaker 3: 30:34

So I was there for 12 days, 14 days, 14, I don't know 27 weeks, six days. I went into labor. Just woke up one morning. I had normal 8 am monitoring and it's not a lot to do, you know, in a hospital room by yourself, with the family an hour away. So most of the time I just sat there and watched the yeast. So I was sitting in the bed waiting for her to come in to strap the thing to my belly not that they could ever get anything measured on her anyway, because I had no fluid and she was all the way descended down as possibly far as she could get. So they were essentially measuring her kicks and that was about all they could get. But it made them happy.

Speaker 3: 31:20

So, um, but yeah, I was just like and I hadn't ever had early contractions before because with Leung, by the time all the pitocin and stuff kicked in, it was 100% you are in full labor and pain. And so I was like is this, is that it? I think that's it. It's just like. If you have to question it like at all, it's probably it. So I spent like an hour trying to figure out do I call my husband, what do we do? And she's like you're having a really tiny baby. That baby is going to fly out of there, like, you need to be prepared. So all of them, um, you know, because of flu season and all of that, we weren't allowed to have, you know, anybody else in the room, just the two of us. So this was right before COVID, um, so 20 October 2019. So she, um, she'd have come right out by the time. You know, I started contracting. I was already at a seven life's good, it's like nine AM. They're expecting. I'm going to have a baby by 10.

Speaker 3: 32:24

My doctor is camped outside my room. She is reading a book on postpartum hemorrhaging. She's got, um, a whole like library of books about everything that's ever happened in my chart and she is preparing and I'm like, well, I feel safe. So that's good. Um, yeah, so they had a camera, what they called it. They had some type of emergency hemorrhage part or something outside the room too. So that way, if anything were to happen, it's already right there.

Speaker 3: 32:54

Um, and yeah, so we, you know, I, I was in labor. It was far more painful this time, somehow, with a, um, two pound baby versus an eight pound baby. So it makes sense to that for me, um, except for the fact that apparently, at one point in this home you know being in there and having no room and no, um you know, liquid to cozy around in, she turned sunny side up and her whole face was caught on the bottom of my pelvic bone so she couldn't come out. But because she wasn't giant, she didn't tear anything, which is great news, um, but it did take. Let's see. So my, my contractions started around eight and she was born at eight, 27 PM, so 12 hours to deliver a baby that big.

Speaker 3: 33:50

I was only in technical labor with my son for eight hours. I don't think that's fair. It's not fair. But she didn't try to kill me afterwards, so I'm going to give her bonus points for that one. So, um, she came out, she tried to, she tried to cry, but, um, her face was all purple and stuff from being caught on my pelvic bone and I went. So, let's see, I was at a seven. I finally begged for the epidural and my doctor was like all right, you can have it. You've been at a seven for around nine hours now. I think it's okay for you to have that. They're doing one now. I'll come back. I'm going to go delivering on their baby. Okay, she walks out of the room.

Speaker 3: 34:33

Um, when yours have me roll over and all this thing, I felt and I was prepared for the worst. You know you, having a tiny baby, something's going to happen, right? Um, I felt a literal click in my pelvis, which is apparently her bone, her facial bone, coming out, dislodged from my bone, and her descending completely the rest of the way down the birth canal in one go and one just push, because she didn't need 10 centimeters to come out, because she was not 10 centimeters. So, um, she kind of swooped down there. Um, my nurse. I was like something's wrong, like her cord fell out, something is hanging out of my body. And the nurse like, let's think. She's like don't do anything. What do you do? Do not do anything. And now I'm panicking even more because that's all she's saying. She's just tapping the thing on her. Her vocera like call, call, call.

Speaker 3: 35:34

And so she finally gets the doctor, the entire team, the NICU team, comes running down the hallway and I'm I was told not to do anything. I was told not to push. My doctor comes in there and she's like okay, I need you to push. I'm like, but there's something wrong. She's like no, your baby's arm hanging out, your baby's ready to come out. I'm like, I'm ready for you now. She didn't want to deliver your baby without a NICU team in here. Your baby's good until it enters this world, and then it needs help, okay.

Speaker 3: 36:00

So I opened my legs and that baby flew out of my body. There was, there was no pushing required. She flew and bed wasn't broken down, nothing was set up. They grabbed her, put her on my chest for a second, but she needed help. They took her and put her in the bed and everything. But I'm just looking at her. I'm like what is wrong with her? Greg, go over there. What is wrong with her? Her head was black and I did not know what was going on. It was a giant head full of black hair, jet, black, thick hair.

Speaker 3: 36:36

Oh my God you said it would be me.

Speaker 3: 36:37

I scared me. Nobody was telling me anything and I'm like her head is black, greg. It is black and purple, like what is going on. They're not telling you anything because they're trying to get her intubated and stuff. They're busy and get it, but communication would be cool. Um air reference.

Speaker 3: 36:56

My son has platinum blonde hair. It is so white that you couldn't even call it yellow in any way, shape or form. He came out. It was slightly orange, but it was so blonde that you could barely see it. He just looked bald for approximately six months. I came out with blondish hair. My husband came out with blondish hair.

Speaker 3: 37:20

What the heck is that doing on my baby's head? Like I was just absolutely shook and so, after I was, my husband just comes over busting out laughing, which I think just probably kicked me off more and I'm like what it's like? It's her hair. She can't have black hair. So now we're preoccupied on that.

Speaker 3: 37:43

They've got her intubated, they bring her over and let us look at her, take her up to the NICU. My doctor is while we're doing all that. She is just so busy trying to make sure that I'm not bleeding. She's not going to be the one responsible for killing me. So she's doing everything she needs to do. They take her upstairs and everything is good. When I had three nurses in there with me the entire first four hours after I had her just making sure, I mean I have never had so many funtal methodes in my life. I'm like you guys realize that wasn't the problem, right, Okay, but you know, and then you're waiting for news. You're waiting, so you know they do everything with you, and then they set you up with the pump and you're just waiting. You can't, you can't go see your baby, and that was not not natural, not not great in any way, shape or form. And so and we were finally able to go up and see her just after midnight and drop off the very little bit of colostrum you know.

Speaker 3: 38:46

I was finally able to pump and she was intubated and they had, like you know, the lamp on her and everything and she's in their incubator in her. Her little foot was about that yeah, big, and I still didn't believe it. So I pulled her hand off and like, okay, which legitimately hair? Okay, and her face was all sorts of swollen still from being stuck. So she was really scary looking. They explained everything and I just had the NICU tour like two days before, so I knew how most everything was working in there.

Speaker 3: 39:23

They did a really good job of making you comfortable and they were private rooms too. So it was. You know, we were in there. They bring a pump in there. They set you up. You don't have to leave if you don't want to. There was no specific visiting hours. You could stay the night if you wanted to, and then she was in there for 98 days, 98 days an hour away from home. I drove there every single day. So for Liam it was kind of just to like I was going to work. Still, he went to the hospital because they discharged me two days later.

Speaker 3: 40:02

Leaving the hospital without a baby was the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. So there was no way, no possible way, I was going anywhere other than back to that hospital. Every day I took five months off work and it was one of you know those times where you're just somebody wants to help, but they can't help. You know, what are you going to do? What are you going to be able to? Take my baby, make her all better?

Speaker 3: 40:33

And this little thinker is sweet as she is. Everything has to be Sophie's speed. Everything has to be just for Sophie. So she hadn't come home on a feeding tube, eventually G tube. She made the first two years of her life awful Because it would take too much effort to eat, and she still believes that it takes too much effort to eat. But she eats enough now to survive what she refused to before. So she is a happy, healthy four year old, a tiny little one she's only about 33 pounds now of tiny little colness, but she definitely gave us all the all the scare.

Speaker 3: 41:21

I always say like that that was the end for me. I don't think I could survive another pre-needling again If she you know they told me essentially when I went back to my doctor for my follow-up if my, if that nurse practitioner had put me on bed rest and had had a circlosh because of my hip spreading and her being so low, that whole time I had a weekend cervix with no, nobody did anything, nobody listened. So knowing better to advocate for myself and also nothing against nurse practitioners, but that wasn't the right option for a high risk pregnancy. So demanding to just get rescheduled to when he was available again Probably would have been better, but she was the deciding factor that there was going to be no more babies for you know a very, very long time. And then if there were, like I said, it would have been before she was out of diapers, because potty draining, her, potty draining the first one is easy, potty draining the second one is a nightmare. That's the truth, yeah.

Speaker 1: 42:29

I'll go into that now. So how was? How was your mental health during all the NICU?

Speaker 3: 42:38

That way. I mean with Liam, there was no. I mean again, postpartum was perfect Baby, baby, healthy, healthy. Me was Sophie, um, yeah, I mean, it was the.

Speaker 3: 42:51

The guilt of I'm leaving my, my son, every day, I'm spending too much time with her, and then walking out of that hospital every day for 98 days without a baby again was just traumatizing all over. So, um, and I, I had, I pumped for her for 11 months, so it was just constantly. You know, I, I couldn't, it felt like I was, I was, I was like I couldn't do anything, you know. So, with her, um, I would say I think I may get approximately, like, maybe like five, six days before I knew that I needed some type of help because I could not stop crying. And they're like, well, you know, like my husband, god love him, but sometimes he's just a man, and I don't mean that towards all men, but just that typical stereotype man that does not have any type of emotional understanding. He's like, of course you're an emotional, like you just had a baby. You know, like, this is an emotional, I just had a baby, this is like I want to just grab our son and go live at the NICU, and that's not rational, it's not fair to him. But we're going to move in there and I'm not leaving and I can't take my baby. But if I do, like you know, I can't take all the equipment and I know that's where she needs to be. But rationally I can't figure it out. And they had their own NICU psychologist. She and I did not jibe well at all. So when I had gone for my doctor's appointment, she or he prescribed a meeting with this one that actually specialized in postpartum mental health care and that was great and I've worked with her for probably like six months and that I mean the NICU was on like floor number six, just the number six up until like six months afterwards just kicked me into a tailspin and she got me out of all of that and there was a lot of I don't know like mindset when pumping, that you know like you're supposed to relax and release the oxytocin and look at pictures of your baby. And second, pumping was just again like I don't know. I, in a minute, I hooked up to a pump. She was home for like four months at that point and it was still. I was pumping in the NICU room and the alarms were going off and she stopped breathing and it was. It was every single time. So working with her was probably the only thing that kept me going.

Speaker 3: 45:33

I don't think I would have ever harmed myself, but I think at one point I think my body would have just quit. I think I could have induced a heart attack on myself from stress and worry and you know all those whatever that I can't remember what they're called anymore, which is probably a good thing. You know the thoughts of like all terrible things happening. I couldn't even drive Liam because I was like that we're going to hit, that there's going to be an icy patch, we're going to go over a bridge and we're all going to die. And I couldn't. I couldn't drive with him for probably like three months when before I felt like super comfortable again. So I don't know.

Speaker 3: 46:21

I was very proud that I was able to ask for help after her because I knew I needed it and I don't think I don't think my life would be the same if I didn't get it back then. And I still see a different therapist that she recommended because she's like I think you've hit past. You know all the postpartum things, but I don't. It's just the whole experience and really the whole experience with her is just afterwards with the NICU and and with Liam, I could relive the moments after his burst forever. Anytime I close my eyes, so it's continually. I mean he's seven and some change and working through all that. So trying to come to terms with everything and get it to a point where it's just normal to talk about it.

Speaker 3: 47:12

You know, and I think, a big thing with with Sophie, I think another healing thing is you hear about people having preemies all the time. There's pages you can join. How do I find someone? Oh, did you also have a fat baby that tore up inside you? Or uterus too? Did did that happen to you? Can we bond over that? No, no, you don't. You don't find that one. That one's not something that you can go to a support group and talk to someone with. So you know. And then the topic. I think that one I don't know if that's one that's that was. That's just something that happened. That was just another Tuesday, like at that point in my life it didn't feel crazy. You know it is what it is and at this point in my life I'm I've been having a lot of it's not endometriosis, adenomyosis, apparently from all of my uterine happenings, and it's also usually occurs after surgeries. It's endometriosis, that's inside of your uterus muscle, not on the inside of your uterus or the outside, but on the inside of the muscle.

Speaker 2: 48:25

So I just heard about this today actually.

Speaker 3: 48:30

I had never heard of it. Yeah, that was a made up thing that my doctor said. But after dealing with that without knowing what it was for like seven months, I'm about three months away from finally having everything just ripped out and.

Speaker 3: 48:47

I'm super excited. I don't think a lot of people can say that they're excited for a total hysterectomy at the age of 30, but I'm really excited. I don't know. I you know. After, after Sophie, they were like if you would like to be alive for your kids, I would really recommend not having any more kids. That sounds fair. I agree, I support this. My fange. I will take you up on that. Iuds are great, but IUDs do not stop this feeling that you are in labor multiple times a week, so I will. The things you have to do as a woman that just wants to have your optional reproductive system ripped out.

Speaker 3: 49:34

The things you have to do to get that sound clear A biopsy and two more weeks of pelvic floor therapy. Away from getting that finally approved through the insurance. So hoping sometime spring break-ish I can celebrate spring break without a uterus. So it's not doing any good. I'm happy for you.

Speaker 2: 50:00

Yeah, if it's going to help you, then I'm happy for you to have that option. Yeah, I mean, just like the NICU story is like just you can prepare for birth, you can prepare for postpartum, you can not prepare for a NICU.

Speaker 3: 50:16

I mean I think I spent all you know however many days it was before I went into labor with her just on Facebook joining like micro-premie groups and looking at what did my baby going to look like and I was told she was a fat baby. She was two pounds 12 ounces and most babies, her gestation were rocking right around, like one pound, like five ounces, one pound eight ounces. But I had gestational diabetes, like apparently I say apparently because it was I tested positive the day before she was born. I'm like, yeah, I'm sitting in a bed doing absolutely nothing, with no exercise. What do you want my body to do right now? So, but I just had big babies. I would have more big babies, I'm sure. I mean, when she was discharged from the NICU she was 10 pounds nine ounces, the fattest NICU baby you ever did see. She had rolls, she upon rolls. We could put her hair up in little piggy fails. I mean she was a fat, cute baby.

Speaker 3: 51:29

Everybody just said why can't you bring her home? Because she refuses to eat to live. And they're like, well then, how is she still fat? Because we shove it down her throat. I mean the things that people didn't understand and that was always worse. I mean, my husband's grandmother will just bring her home and feed her. She'll eat when she's hungry. You don't think the doctors tried that. You don't think they tried that, audrey? Yeah, she didn't eat for 12 and a half hours. You know how angry a baby is after they haven't eaten for 12 and a half hours. They're really freaking angry. Did that make her eat? Absolutely not. No, no. So you want me to bring her home and starve her and then go back to the hospital. That's what you want me to do.

Speaker 3: 52:11

And then, yeah, we gave her a chance. She had the NG tube for Ted lunch because I just couldn't stand the thought of putting her through anything else. You know, my body did this to her. My body failed her. Now I'm going to have to make her have a surgery to get it directly into her stomach. That's not fair. She's going to have that scar the rest of her life because my body couldn't support her. That didn't feel and that's how I rationalized it back then. I know that's not right now, but it was. You know how I thought about it. But what I mean.

Speaker 3: 52:43

You've seen babies and then when they're teething and what they do with their hand a tube that is taped to their face all day, every day. There was one day and it was the day, I finally called her doctor and said we didn't schedule that. She pulled it out 27 times, 27 times. Her face was literally raw. It was awful. They screamed so much.

Speaker 3: 53:08

When you try to put it on the throat and it was me and my husband that were trained to put it in I would have to leave work, come home and put it back down just so we could feed her. And you also can't get a 10 month old that is learning to walk, even though she's adjusted seven months old and trying to, you know, go everywhere. She weighed maybe like 16 pounds. She was the most hilarious looking child ever. Just because she was so little, people were like how old are you? Don't ask, it's a long story. So, but yeah, I was like, okay, let's get it in, and I wish they would have forced us to go home on it. Some hospitals do. It's just it would have been far better for my mental health not having to shove that thing down her, not having to change it regularly.

Speaker 3: 54:02

I mean having her G tube was just. I mean she only had it for 14 months. So I mean I don't know if it would have happened faster had she not constantly had something down she had done. She did up until this July when she had her tonsils and stuff out, have scar tissue in her throat from having to have it placed for over the course of 10 months. So when they were in there with her tonsils they scraped it out. My goodness she doesn't choke when she's eating anymore. I mean I didn't know that we still had difficulties and stuff aside from getting her to sit still long after consuming a meal. But I mean she would get all caught up just choking on food and just seem normal. But no, it's from the scar tissue.

Speaker 3: 54:45

So they sent a tone with all that and said I'm going, she'll pick it up. A lot of babies are just stressed in the NICU. You know she'll catch on. For 10 months there was no catching on. She didn't care. She was not a baby, that you know. You put a bottle in her mouth and it was no. Thank you, I don't want it. But she's still gonna sit there and scream that she's hungry. So I don't know.

Speaker 3: 55:12

With her it was like after she got that G tube it was almost like you had a normal baby for a second, except for, you know, every couple hours you got to. You know we put her in like one of those little seats with, like them tray in front of it so she couldn't move. Put her in that strop or down and all the things that you learned in Facebook. Like mom groups of other moms that have G tube kids, and like a cell phone holder. You take the cell phone holder, you strap it to the back of the chair, you put the little syringe in it because she was gravity-fed. We never had to have a pump. She tolerated everything pretty well and you sit there and you just sit behind her and you'd watch whatever was entertaining her. It's mostly usually Coco Melon.

Speaker 3: 55:54

So JJ and I are not friends, but we'd sit there and just pour the milk in Watch. Watch it go Pour the milk in. It's been 30 minutes doing that and she was good and it was always super nice. You know, when kids are sick and they don't want to eat or drink I didn't have that issue. You know, you just grab the baby she's still sleeping in bed you open everything up, you put it on and you feed her. It's like this is cool. I like this. I almost wish we could have kept it a little bit longer, but a very you know mobile two-year-old that liked to slide down on her belly down the stairs. She didn't care when it popped out, but I couldn't stick that thing back in anymore. No, thank you. So it was time.

Speaker 1: 56:39

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 56:43

Well, thank you so much for sharing your stories, and just you know how much you've gone through is a testament to who you are and your strength as a mom.

Speaker 3: 56:54

So thank you so much Thanks for having me, I love you.

Speaker 2: 56:57

It feels good to share sometimes you know, with other people that Okay benefit or at least understand, and we can add your connection on social media or however, in our show notes and that way people can reach out to you if they'd like. Okay, thank you Samantha. Thank you guys. Thanks to you.

Speaker 1: 57:17

Thank you for joining us on this episode of the Golden Hour Birth Podcast. We hope you've enjoyed our discussion and found it insightful and beneficial. Remember, the Golden Hour Birth Podcast is made possible by the support of listeners like you. If you appreciate the content we bring you each week, consider leaving us a review on your favorite podcast platform or sharing the show with your friends and family. Your support helps us reach more people and continue creating valuable episodes. If you have any questions, suggestions or topics you'd like us to cover in future episodes, we'd love to hear from you. You can reach us on our website, www. Goldenhourbirthpodcast, or connect with us on social media. We value your feedback and want to make sure that we're delivering the content you want to hear. Before we sign off, we'd like to express our gratitude to our incredible guests who joined us today. We are honored that they trust us enough to be so open and vulnerable.

Speaker 1: 58:13

We're grateful for their time and willingness to share their stories with us If you're interested in taking the conversation further with us, join us on our Facebook group, the Golden Hour Birth Circle. We'll be back next week with another exciting episode, so be sure to tune in. Until then, stay golden and remember to take care of yourself. We'll catch you on the next episode of the Golden Hour Birth Podcast. Bye.