Emotional Turmoil Raising Teens

I sit down with my wonderful friend and we discuss the emotional turmoil of raising teenagers. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:07

Hello everyone! Welcome to Just Winging It. My name is Charlotte. I'm a board certified behavior analyst, mother of two, just checking things off my bucket list. Starting a podcast has been a dream of mine, even if I only reach one person, that is one more person that needed to hear me. I have felt broken and alone. I am constantly doubting myself in my professional life and personally as a parent, friend, and wife. Most days I lay awake wondering if I loved people enough. Did I give enough of myself to others? But forgetting to ask, did I give enough to myself? Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever ask yourself when did time start moving so fast? When did I let myself go? When did my kids grow up? Why didn't I teach them that sooner? If so, you are in the right place. I want to reach people who are just like me. People who have made mistakes, loved, lost, and yet still continue to actively choose to be kind. When the world is chaotic and you feel as if there's nothing left, please know that there is. Continue to choose to be kind, be giving, and take chances. I'm here welcoming my uh good friend Christian. And Christian is, I I met her through work, um, and we are are very similar stories. And I kind of go back to I was 20 years old when I got pregnant with Grace. I had her, sorry, I was 19. I had her, maybe I just turned 20. Anyway, I had Grace, and then four months later I turned 21, was my story with uh so Grace was definitely not expected in my life at that time. And we were we were in that at that time frame alone. And I I've spent a lot of time with Grace alone, and I I know that that's a very similar story of yours. And with Grace, I I felt such a different connection. I love Amelia, as you guys know, Amelia, my nine-year-old, just you have a four-year-old. Yes. And I you I love her just as much, but my relationship with Grace is so different. I don't know if that's the same for you and Emmett and Emmett. If it's different, it's just different. I don't love her any less. There's no, it's not about that, but our my relationship with Grace is just different. We have some really probably unhealthy codependence codependency on each other. And that's just from my, you know, having trauma in a relationship, you deal with things together so much that I feel like we have a lot of unhealthy things binding us together. Yes. Therefore, I feel a lot more emotionally invested in Grace. And I say that with like when she's hurting, not that again, I don't hurt when Millie hurts, but it's like I find some, I take some offense in when she's angry. And I'm like, why are you so angry? I don't get why you're so angry. I don't feel that same, you know, feeling with Millie right now.

SPEAKER_01 3:00

It's just like it's something about Grace and probably just like I said, how close we are, and she's so much like me in so many ways that yes, I know um sometimes with with my daughter with Rissa, I feel like I have a hard time with separating her as a person that's just separate from me because it's like looking, looking in a mirror, but like 20 years ago. And I she's so similar to me. And sometimes I feel like um I can fix all of her problems or I can foresee some things happening because she is so similar to me that I have to remind myself that we are not the same person, but um, although we're very similar, she's not gonna make the same maybe mistakes as me, or maybe she will. Um, but I I can't prevent them. Um, but that's been that's been challenging.

SPEAKER_03 3:56

That's the worst part about it, I feel like. And I I've uh possibly said this before, but you you get pregnant and people are like, here are all these books about like what to expect when you're expecting, and here's how to raise a baby. I swear to you, I would rather be octimom right now than have a teenager. I mean, it is so much harder. I thought that'd get more laughter out of you than it did, but it's fine.

SPEAKER_01 4:18

No, because it was so serious. I'm like, yes, I'm like, I'm about to cry. And then I'm like, uh-huh.

SPEAKER_03 4:24

I I would take when people say, like, oh, I have like young kids, I I would take the young stage again over this teenage, this teenage period. I mean, times 10. And people who have young kids right now are probably like, oh, please, I'm telling you, get ready for what comes down. I mean, and what I say is like there is nothing, there's nothing out, nothing you can read, nothing anybody can tell you. And here I am telling you that can prepare you for what you're going to encounter. And as much as you think that you are just, I I said this too, that I, the one thing in my life for the past 18 years that I was confident about is that I was a good mom. Yes. There's lots of things I hate about myself and things that I've put on the back burner, but I was like, I'm a good mom. And then she turned 18 and I thought, I'm a shit mom. And like I felt that so hard, so deep, that I thought that I I was wrapping up all of my own value too now as a mother into her turning 18 and exploring whatever she needs to explore. And I was like, oh, actually, I have failed her. And what I'm learning is actually I haven't failed her at all. She is just becoming her own self. And we were at the Cardinals game. Again, interject because I do this a lot where I take over conversations, but we were at the Cardinals game, and there's this little girl online in front of us. She was maybe two years old, and she kept looking at us, and Grace and I were both being playful, like, oh, you know, peek-aboo and all this stuff. And this little girl was like the cutest, and I just started sobbing. And she Grace stopped and she like looked at me and she's like, Are you crying? And I'm like, don't say a word. I'm like, I'm just having a moment, and she's like, What's wrong? What happened? And I'm like, I just don't remember when it happened. When did I what feels like miss 18 years? And it was like, because when people say when you have a baby and they're like, don't blink, that is legit. And that's what I feel like with an with Grace right now. And I don't know if you feel the same way or not, but I feel like when did it happen so quick? And what did I miss? Like, did I miss a moment where I didn't love her enough? Did I miss a moment where maybe I just gave her too much? You know, where did I screw up into where I'm dealing with this kind of aftermath of what something I did? And I I think I'm just trying to figure out that it's actually Grace just finding her own way. Yes. And that's really hard to sit back and watch. And so we kind of we we kept we kept waiting in line and we got up to the front. And Grace, I looked over her and I said, Hey, how's it going with uh this guy you're seeing? You know, and she goes, you know, it's going well. I think you know it's pretty serious. He he actually said that he loved me. And I then started crying again because I thought to myself, this whole time I was just so confused about what I was doing as a mom, and I'm realizing that like she's just she's like she's an adult now to some you know extent. Right. And I'm thinking about myself at 18 and what I was doing. I was two years, a year and a half away from having a baby. And here my daughter is like making her own life, and it's this this step, this stage, whatever it was. I thought it was I thought maybe 18 was gonna be hard, but I had no idea until it happened that I was like, this stage actually represents so much more of a like separation of her and I that I wasn't ready for.

SPEAKER_01 8:03

You know, this is gonna sound so um so corny, but so one of my favorite shows was Gilmore Girls. I had Rissa, I got pregnant when I was 18, and I had her when I was 19. And um I loved watching that show because you know, it was this single mom and her daughter, and it was it looked fun, you know, they made it look like it was just a great time all the time. Um so I loved that show. And the last episode when I watched it when my daughter was like, I don't know, eight years old. And then last episode, spoiler, I don't know if you've watched all of it, but Rory goes away to college. Oh no. Watching that when she was younger, I was like, this is the worst ending ever. Like the whole, you know, four, three or four seasons that she was at college, I was like, this is the worst. When are they gonna bring her back? Like they need to be together again. Yeah, they're best together. And watching it when she's older, when my daughter is older, I'm like, no, this is this is right. This is the right ending for them. Like, yeah, this was too much. Yes.

SPEAKER_03 9:10

Do you ever do you ever think that like part of this like us growing further apart from our daughters in some way is like that's it makes it easier for them to go to college. Like it's like, okay, well, I'm distancing myself from you a little bit, that it's like you taking that step. Because typically, so both of our daughters are going to community college, and I I think they're you know, mine staying around and living with us and believe yours is too. Yeah. And so we don't have that typical, like, it's eight, they're 18 and they move out, right? And so we're gonna have a couple more years with them. But I have found myself in the past four months legit saying to Grace, I think you need to go away to school. And I've said it because I can't find my place in her life right now. And then I think, well, maybe I just don't have a place in it, but yet she's under my roof. Yeah. And she's driving a car that we pay for and a car and a phone that we pay for, and uh the list goes on and on, and I'm like, but she still has all control of everything. And so it's like I'm just trying to figure out how do I, because I don't I actually that's the thing. I don't want her to go away, but then I'm like, maybe that's what we need is to go away. And I when I asked her what she wanted, what she needed from me, she says that our relationship is getting better, but it's always this roller coaster, right? And I sometimes feel like I'm in if you have a teenager, you feel like you're in some toxic relationship because it's like, I love you, you're the worst. I love you, you're the worst. Oh, help me, yeah, but you're the worst. And if you say something that might not, they might not agree with, then you're the worst, you know. And that's been really difficult. I feel like I I walk on eggshells a lot with her. I don't know if that's with you two.

SPEAKER_01 10:50

Yeah, well, and I I think um that added layer of like being a single parent makes it hard to because my whole identity for the longest time was just being a single mom. Like I just sort of lived, breathed being her mom. I I didn't have a social life because there was no time for it. You know, all I had time for was being her mom and going to school and working so that I could pay for her to have a good life. Of course, everything was driven by her.

SPEAKER_03 11:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 11:24

Um, I really didn't think about anything else except for her. And um so you know, now it's like it's healthy that she's kind of taking control of her own life. But like you said, I don't know what what my role is anymore because my life used to just be completely all about her, and now she doesn't want that from me anymore, which she shouldn't.

SPEAKER_03 11:47

Um but it's hard to swallow. It's hard. This process, this time in our lives of losing a piece of ourselves, and it is different for those of you that are single parents, um, or you know, I mean, even if you're not, but when you spend so much time, right? That's exactly grace is my reason that I'm here today. Yeah. I tell her that all the time. My reason for living, my reason for being successful. I mean, I guess I guess I'm semi-successful, is I mean, I got this podcast, um, is because of her. Everything's been driven by her. So just like your story, the reason why I wanted Christian to be on the show is because our stories are so similar that we found love, you know, later in life, and the love that we found is so much different. Not, I mean, for each other, but I speaking about, of course, our spouses and and and what a different life we're living now because of that. And so now we're experiencing we have both our daughters have stepparents in the mix, yeah. And they're trying to find their place in all of it, you know. And we have, I have this relationship with Grace where I feel more offended by things and I may get more emotional about things, and I it's very, very difficult. And so, a more recent, I kind of wanted to share some funny things too about having an 18-year-old because I it it's one of the funniest stories you've ever told me. And I, of course, have some myself, but the stories like that, 18-year-olds, Grace, for example, we we went to Hawaii, and the whole way to Hawaii, it Grace was like holding my hand. She's very scared about flying, you know, very just intimidated by it. And so she's holding my hand, and I was there for her and secure, like making her feel secure and everything. And she turned 18 while we were in Hawaii. And the day, I'm not kidding you, she didn't waste any time. The day she turned 18, she was like, you know what? I could probably just fly home by myself. And I'm like, so now all of a sudden you're capable of flying by yourself. I I don't I don't know what what happened. I mean, it's it was almost immediate that she overnight her number changed to 18, and she thought the rest of her did, and it didn't. She was the same exact person she was five hours prior. And however, in her mind, she's like, 18 means so much. And it is, it's such a big year, a big year, and just like every the outside world sees you as an adult. And I didn't start seeing things until later on. So, first example was like we went to the doctor, and the doctor was like, You can't answer questions for her. And then they go to ask her, and she's like, Well, I don't know any of this stuff. So it leads me to the your story. Yeah. So please tell your story about going to the doctor for the first time with her with being 18.

SPEAKER_01 14:30

It just was so it's such a bizarre experience for us both because yeah, like you said, like I just she didn't know how to answer any of the questions, but I'm not supposed to fill out any of the stuff for her unless I have her like explicit permission. I mean, it was just so bizarre. And she was so nervous that she couldn't answer questions that I know that she knows, or some of them I I don't think she does know. She didn't know her social security number. Right. And I'm like, well, I didn't know my social security number off the top of my head until I was in college, you know? Yeah. But just things like that that, you know, you're right. Like in in one breath, they're like, listen, I don't need you. I'm 18. Um, I made my own lunch this morning. I am officially an adult. And you're like, oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03 15:15

Done.

SPEAKER_01 15:16

Okay, well, go ahead and make your appointment for the doctor because I can't call for you. Well, how do I do that? Who's my doctor again? Yes. What's their phone number?

SPEAKER_03 15:26

So it's like, wait a second, did I not set you up enough? Or is this just part of what I have to do? You know what I mean? I don't know. And I I got to the point too. I was like, Grace, just do it yourself. I mean, you need to problem solve this, you need to figure it out. And I can't be the one because every time I get invested just a bit, I'd pull myself closer into her drama, and then I'd be hurt when she didn't want me in it. Yes. And then so I am, like I said, learning this balance between how to be still, you know, giving her my time and energy and love without being overbearing, and also giving her guidance. But I think what I have figured out, there's no book that's told me this, but what I figured out is I think that you are ready by this age have either laid a foundation of success or not. And at this point, they then have to make their own, you have to build on that foundation. Yeah. So I either did what I needed to do up until now or I didn't. But I think at this point, Grace and maybe your daughter as well have to now build on that themselves. I don't necessarily know if I have much of a role anymore in that.

SPEAKER_01 16:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:38

I don't know. I don't know how you feel.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

I well, and I feel like um, in a way, well, it's it's up to them. Yeah. You know, it's up to my daughter what she kind of needs me for. Um and it's been difficult because I want to be there for her so much, but because it's on her terms, sometimes it's not the best time for me. You know, and so like I, for the good of our relationship and the relationship of like me and my husband, me and my other child, I've had to set some boundaries and it's difficult for her sometimes because you know, she's in her room or she's with her friends or she's with her boyfriend all the time. So then when she wants to talk to me, she's like, Well, this is my time. This is the time I want to talk to you. And I'm like, Well, this is the time that I'm putting Emmett to bed. You're gonna have to just wait.

SPEAKER_03 17:29

I feel I feel like we've actually experienced that same exact thing, and then like Grace may like storm off and her feelings are exactly what happened. And I'm like, Where have you been for five days? Yeah, I mean, like, I mean, I I do know, but like she hasn't been here and maybe here in the sense of like, yeah, in and out, but she but definitely expects it on her terms, and that's just new for me. Like, okay, I'm I'm supposed to be ready for you and you're and then I tell you know, my husband, like, okay, I need to give grace this time because if I don't, you don't know when you'll ever get it again because they're so in their own world, you know.

SPEAKER_01 18:06

I mean, like with with my son with Emmett, who's only four, I have all day with him if I want, because he's so little. With Rissa, it's like you know, we were saying, it's when she wants it. But some I and I felt like I had to always give that to her. And it got to a point where I was getting a little resentful, honestly, because then I was having to give up time with, you know, Emmett. Maybe I hadn't seen him all day because he was at daycare. Right. Well, then she needs me, but he needs me. And I've just had to sort of say, you know, this is if it's if I'm already doing something with Emmett, this is Emmett's time. Yeah. You can talk to me and and play with us, which she does not want to do, right?

unknown 18:48

What?

SPEAKER_01 18:50

Or this will just have to wait. And and that's just something you're gonna have to get used to because nobody in life is gonna just drop everything to talk to you in this moment.

SPEAKER_03 18:59

I actually started telling Grace that I like needed to know kind of in in advance when she'd be around, so then I could kind of like schedule her, essentially like schedule around my time. So I did have some moments with her at least, but it doesn't always work out that way. And it's never, you know, some picture perfect, we have it all figured out because we don't. Um, but I I think that we're working on it, and you know, she gave me her life 360 account so I can see where she's at, you know, like where she's driving and all that stuff. And I I don't choose, she says now, like, oh, just check life 360. And I'm like, well, I don't want to be then again, I'm like, is this good for me? You know, because I don't want to be checking her either because I'm like, well, no, I want to trust that she is making smart decisions. And she did say that to me one time. She's like, Mom, I just want you to trust that you did what you needed to do, that you taught me what I needed to know, and that I I'm not I'm not stupid. And and I'm like, I don't necessarily think that you're stupid, I think that you're 18. And I know myself at 18, I wasn't stupid, but I sure didn't know what I was doing.

SPEAKER_00 20:07

No.

SPEAKER_03 20:08

I mean, you know, I I was living on my own at 18. Uh, you know, I went away to school, very quickly, came back, and then was living in an apartment by myself. And the thing is, you it was I felt like I was far more mature, but then I look back and I'm like, oh my goodness, I was making so many stupid decisions. You know, I didn't know what I was doing. And I you wouldn't, I wouldn't have known what my I'm still was calling my mom asking her what my social security number was. You know what I mean? I didn't know any of that. And then when they were like, whenever, I mean, questions like, what does this mean? You know, I mean, I don't know, maybe it was like P.O. box. I'm like, what is a P.O. box? I don't know what a P.O. box is. And sometimes Grace calls me with questions like that. Yeah. You know, she's like, What does this mean? And I'm like, why don't you know? And I'm like, oh, I I probably didn't know that either. So I think I then also set her up these higher expectations because she's acting like she's such an adult.

SPEAKER_01 20:58

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 20:59

And then I'm like, why don't you just know that already? But again, why would she know that already? I mean, that's it's not something they sh that she should know right now. So I think that's that's probably on me as a parent, but I I really am probably more adjusting to the fact of her wanting me to be friends with her, and so she wants my response to always be friendly. And I am a very patient what I find to be patient and loving person, but there are times when when your child comes to you and says, Hey, I'm 18, I want to get a medical marijuana card. And I'm like, what's my role here? You know, I mean, Grace knows my experiences in life and things that I've uh chosen to do well before I was a mother. And however, all I all I can think of is like say to her is well, you can't do it here. And You can't bring it here. It can't be in in in our home. You can't have it in your car. Because I, of course, would never want something to happen because by all standards, still it's illegal. Right. You know, I mean, you could have a card and still you can't carry it in your car. You know, there's a there's lots of rules about it. And she was like, Oh, I've looked up all the regulations and I've looked up everything. I'm like, Well, you've done your research. And I'm like, What did you look at? Wikipedia. I mean, I I just want to know like where you're getting your, you know, information from. And then she's like, you don't know me at all. You don't know how good this will be for me. And I'm like, listen. Everyone knows how good marijuana is, but like the reality is it's illegal. And I don't want you to be doing it. But it's like, what that's where I'm saying all I can say to her is I don't want you to do it. How do I stop her from doing it? You're right. Yeah. I can't. I can I can lay down what my rules are. And I say to her, my other rule was if you ever buy any, you have to pay me that same amount towards your insurance or your car payment. And so I have access to her bank account and I have access to what she's spending. And she'll and she she'll say, like, I spent $40 on this, and then I'm like, okay, cash at me $40. And she'll cash at me $40. I think that I've just that's all I felt like the only thing I could control is what I can control, which is what my expectations are for her. That I don't want her to be wasting money on these things. That if she's living under my roof for the purpose of saving money, right, right, then save money. I wish I would have lived with my parents longer to save money so I wasn't broke at 35. You know what I mean? And I and I worked my butt off all the time. I worked three jobs to support a child by myself. Like I said, most times making like 27 grand a year, if that. Yes. And I'm like, and I was trying to do all that for my kids and all that on my own. And even when I did get married, I was on my own. And the that's just the really tough part is Grace wants to tell me things. She's she does tell me a lot of things. The problem is she tells me things and wants me to just be like, oh, you know what? I hear you. Um her counselor actually told me one time we had a call, and I've been very open with the fact that my entire, you know, my both my girls, myself included, have all been to counseling and lots of trauma that we all had to kind of recover from. And it's been great for us all. However, Grace's counselor, because when she was seeing her, that we had a family meeting, you know, a parent meeting, and she gave gave me a phone call and she's like, I just want to talk to you about Grace. I'm like, okay, great. And she's like, I just want you to know how to handle her. And immediately I wanted to be like, This is my daughter. I know how to, you know how that that feeling is. Like, how dare you tell me I don't know how to do that?

SPEAKER_01 24:50

Handle my own daughter I've known for 18 years.

SPEAKER_03 24:52

Oh, I wanted to lose my mind, right? And she said, uh she said, Well, I think it's important for you to know Grace is very emotional. Listen, I know that I'm a very emotional person, but emotional and also sensitive, right? Sensitive in uh what you can and can't say to her. And so she said, when she comes to you with something, you're supposed to affirm her feelings, acknowledge her feelings that, you know, okay, I understand what you're feeling, and you're not supposed to disagree with her. And I'm like, oh can somebody tell me how you're supposed to do that with your children? You know, how am I supposed to affirm your feelings and also parent? Because most of the time I just want to lose my mind, which is why my daughter said I was bipolar the other day um and kept in insisting that I was. I mean, wouldn't drop it for and she's like, don't, listen, it's not, don't take offense to this. And I'm like, how do you not get offended by someone calling you bipolar? I don't know, but um, I I am it's quite possible. I then went online and like took a quick quiz. Have you checked my search history? Must be my search history says, am I bipolar? question mark. Like it said actually, quick quiz to find out if I'm bipolar is the thing that my search history. And then another search history is like, um, something to the fact of like, is it really that easy to get a medical marijuana card? I mean, my list is quite uh, it's usually around, you know, Grace and her questions. Uh, and then it's another one might be, can you get pregnant on IUD? I mean, the list goes on and on about the things I've I and this is this everyone, this has been since January. It's April. The past four months have felt like years. I mean, I don't know, because when did Riss turn 18? She turned 18 in October. Okay. Um did you feel like it hit more at the beginning or has it been like kind of just trickling just recently?

SPEAKER_01 26:51

Okay. I I thought that it I I was kind of preparing for 18 to be this big shift.

SPEAKER_03 26:56

Right.

SPEAKER_01 26:57

For us it wasn't. And I don't know if it was just because it was so much earlier in the year that like now it seems like the school year's ending and she's gonna be on her own as far as routines and schedules and all of this stuff next year. Um so I that's kind of where the shift in like the the shift in our relationship kind of came to a head, I think, because we're talking about all of these things and I'm asking her, like, are you really ready for this? Like I mean, we're struggling with just setting your alarm to get up in the morning. Yeah, which and I I think and I don't know if this is true. I guess I would have to ask other moms of 18-year-olds, but I feel like it seemed like it happened more overnight because of the pandemic.

SPEAKER_03 27:45

Oh, for sure. Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_01 27:47

Because that kind of stunted things, I think, for her.

SPEAKER_03 27:50

Oh, that makes sense, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:51

You know what I mean? Like she didn't have that same experience that I think she would have had. I feel I feel like it would have been maybe, I don't know. I I'll never know.

SPEAKER_00 28:01

Right.

SPEAKER_01 28:01

But I feel like maybe it would have been more gradual had she had that just traditional school experience that she was going every day and she got her license on time. I mean, she had no interest in getting her license when she turned 16 because she's like, Well, there's nowhere to go.

SPEAKER_03 28:16

Yeah, that's really tough. I mean, we we moved back from Grand Cayman and within six months, I mean, it was maybe like right around six months, the pandemic hit. And it was just like there was no time for her to adjust, like meeting new people. And so her essentially her entire high school experience has been virtual learning.

SPEAKER_00 28:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:38

And then she had her senior year, and then now she's been in in-person, but she tried to avoid in-person learning for a really long time. She's like, I could just do virtual learning. I'm like, you will not be doing virtual learning. And I remember us having her having a panic attack. And I'm thinking it is a real, it was a real feeling people were getting where they were like feeling nervous to interact with people and teenagers, especially like not knowing how to have conversations. Yeah, you know, that weren't. I mean, Grace could turn off her camera if she wanted in class, nobody had to see her at all. Right. And and then I still, Grace still is wearing a mask places because she has now used it as a crutch to cover her face. And just like this long-term damage of the pandemic, and anybody that um is listening who's lost someone, I'm so sorry. And it's been an incredibly long and tough, you know, couple of years. And I think though, the the last, the long-lasting mental health effects from COVID have been so, so great. Um, my a friend of mine is a nurse, and she had talked about how the RSV units were empty as could be during COVID, but you could not get a place in the mental health ward at the hospital because they were so booked.

SPEAKER_02 29:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 29:53

And she said the people were staying home, but people were getting depressed. And from a daughter who was already struggling with that, to then, and I myself obviously hit a mark too where I was like, I'm incredibly unhappy.

SPEAKER_02 30:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:08

And I to think like how many teenagers are struggling, were struggling during this time that we were missing, and how many parents were struggling, and how many people still struggle from the aftermath of just depression now in general. And I I just think that I wasn't, I was so afraid because for for quite a long time, Grace is like, I need, I think I need to go on medicine. I think I need meds, I think I'm depressed. And I would say things like, you know what, maybe we should just journal more together and just like more positive practice. And I, you know, I was like all about let me solve this problem. Yeah. Because God forbid, I admit that I've been missing of how sad you've been. You know, and when she finally went and you know, she did, she met with the the counselor a few times and she answered the questionnaire and she brought the questionnaire home. And you know, I had to read through some of these questions that she answered, and it was like, have you ever thought about suicide? All these things that she was thinking about. And I was so caught up in just like how I have failed as a mom. Again, this is this cycle of me where it's like I put it on a personal, like it's me that that's why she's depressed. And it has nothing to do with me, but I was so caught up in that that I kept her from going to get help because I was worried about how people would see me as a mom. Because if my daughter went on antidepressants, I have failed her. And it's such a negative stigma around medication in general. I mean, my family, I don't know about yours, but mental health was not any sort of awareness. There was none. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 31:56

I was really the one who brought up the fact that I was taking antidepressants to my family, and that opened up the conversation that my sister was like, Oh my god, I'm feeling the same way. And now my sister's on medication. My mom's like, Wow, I've been struggling with that. So just what an interesting sort of um I think shift that we've had. That's amazing. That people are talking about mental health more, and there's not this as much of a stigma around it. So um, you know, I don't know how much we feel like we've had that in in our family. And um, you know, my husband, I don't think he would mind me sharing that he takes medicine for anxiety. He's pretty open about that.

SPEAKER_03 32:36

Yeah, mine too.

SPEAKER_01 32:37

And I love how open he's been about that with my daughter. I mean, ever since she was little, that it was like, hey, if if this is something that you're maybe going to need, because I knew for a while that it was something that I had been struggling with, right? That this is you know, you would wear glasses if you're if you can't see. You would take medicine, you know, for if you had a heart condition, you would take heart medicine, and nobody'd be like, wow, you're such a failure that you can't figure out how to see without glasses or wearing contact. But for some reason, and I think too, like I think for me it was being a single mom. I think I really felt like I had to be a fixer.

SPEAKER_03 33:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:21

Because there was already too much on this little girl's plate.

SPEAKER_03 33:26

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 33:27

Just from everything that she kind of had to go through from such a young age that maybe parents um or children that like are in a happy two-parent family just kind of take for granted, just all of that day-to-day. Um, so a lot of her childhood, I felt like I was spending time kind of in repair mode, you know, that when she would come back from dad's, something was wrong. You know, she was not herself. And so it was a lot of just sort of getting her to realize that she was in a safe place again, I was there for her. Um, those were the things that we that we focused on. And so I I've been thinking a lot about that lately that, you know, God, am I a failure because I didn't push some responsibility a little bit more, you know, like that you need to get up by eight o'clock every day and do all of your chores. And I'm like, but you know what? Um that that just wasn't our focus. And I think even if I could go back and I could do everything again, I think the most important thing for her was was just knowing that she was loved and that she was safe in our home. Yes. Because I I can't imagine now if she didn't have that emotional security what she would be like as a person.

SPEAKER_03 34:50

Maybe she'd be super responsible and would she be emotionally in distress. I mean, you know, yeah, for sure. I mean, because I think about I mean, I had plenty of jobs and roles as a kid. It didn't make me any better of a person. In fact, I was probably just as damaged for other things, you know, that I saw and that happened. But I think when it comes to our kids, it is, I think it's a really good point to say that like I what I know I did, and that didn't change when she turned 18, but I felt like it did, is that I loved her with all of my being. Yeah, you know, and every single waking moment was for her. And that's why this time frame hurts so much, is because I'm finding out that and she has said things like, Mom, you've done a wonderful job with me. Like, I you know, I I love you so much. This is, you know, everything that I I want to be just like you. You know, I mean she has all this these moments where it's like, oh okay, I I did okay, but I have to stop wrapping my my own again, just like I said in my first episode. I I can't wrap my self-worth up into her. And I've I and I've done that a lot lately. And so I I really have, I, you know, she when she went in and they they finally they did put her on um medication. I remember like for a week just feeling so angry at myself that I didn't listen to her sooner because I thought like in my profession, just generally, like overall, I'm like, I know, I know what's up. Yeah, she's we can work through this, you know. I I worked through it. And but I I tell people like it it is a whole nother episode on my podcast, but um is that how how I remain positive while actively depressed, you know? And it's such a I remember like in the same day that I had found myself walking along um an overpass and thinking that like I didn't want to be here anymore. And two hours earlier, I had a coworker pass me and say, Why are you you are just always so upbeat and positive. I love seeing you and I was so broken inside, nobody knew it. Yeah, and I let Grace carry that too, you know, and so because I was just too proud to do anything about it. And so I think if you have if you're this if you're like me or like Christian and like our husbands, I I mean my husband is also on anxiety meds and has been very open about that with Grace too, which I find to be really great. I feel like our husbands are exactly alike, but yeah, possibly. Um But I I found which I think is so great that he he was so open with it, but I I find myself um just like I said, I I'm trying to be uh more aware that you know there are people that are struggling all around us and that uh we think that um they're okay and they're not. So I I'm saying this is like if you're struggling, reach out for help. Um if you're struggling with your children, reach out for help. There are lots of moms. I would not have known. I was so ashamed to talk about grace, like with our relationship right now. But Christian and I just happened to like, you know, it came up one day and something happened. And I just have to tell you right now how how great it felt to just feel like I wasn't alone in it.

SPEAKER_01 38:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:22

And my whole point of doing this was that so other people felt that because most of the time you walk around and you think you're the only one who's screwing up, you know, and you're the only one that's falling short, or you're the only one that just has a kid that might not be following the path you wanted them to follow. But guess what? You're not alone. And there are tons of people right now that are struggling every single day. But they're just I and and don't be afraid to get your kids help. Um, I really wrapped up, like I said, the fact that like somehow it professionally or personally define me if I had to get my if I couldn't help my child. Like that's my job. I'm supposed to help my child, and I couldn't. And I somehow thought that that's um I'd be defeated by reaching out for help. And most of the time, like as a behavior analyst, most people are like, you must have really great kids. I have wonderful kids. I love my children so much. However, I fall short all the time, and my kids are human, and we're all human, and I operate some days at 20% and other days at 110. You know, and most days I'm getting by, and most days I'm just swinging it, which is pretty much why I gave the this podcast this name because my life is I'm just swinging it, and and sometimes I do really awesome, and other times I suck, you know, and so and that's okay. And it's okay to reach out to people, it's okay to talk about most of the time on social media, all you see are people's like amazing stories about their life. Their kids are all in matching pajamas at Christmas, and we're all like one of I we had matching pajamas. So funny, the first time we've ever done it, and mine were too tight because I was too fat to fit in them. That the picture was quite, I was like kind of hiding behind Millie, which is typically what I do. And um, Grace was too insecure to wear hers. So it's like none of us were like half matching. Um, but nobody posts the things that are a struggle on social media. So all you see, all our girls see, I would have never survived high school if we had social media. I mean, I truly would have never survived it. And I there was a picture somewhere around, there would have been a picture with me with a backwards visor and ski goggles because I thought some listen, it's okay to laugh. For I don't know. And if you're a friend of mine from high school, because I I've been having a few friends of mine reach out to me that have been like super proud of what I'm doing, and it just it's been really lovely. But I was my I marked to the beat of my own drummer for sure, and I thought like I was a big, big attention seeker. I did lots of things, you know, inappropriately, and I'm I lots to be sorry about, but I I used to wear this uh backwards, upside down visor with ski goggles on my forehead. Now, listen, if that would have made it on Facebook, I think people would have possibly been and that's and because of internet, it'd still be here.

SPEAKER_01 41:10

Follow you.

SPEAKER_03 41:10

It would follow me everywhere.

SPEAKER_01 41:12

So before you you came to work, you oh yeah, with us. We cyber stalked you a little bit.

SPEAKER_03 41:19

Can you imagine if that was what we if you cyber stalked me and you come across you searched like Charlie Leesman? The great thing about my name is like everybody from like I try to say 32, wait, 35 on know me as Charlotte. Everybody before that know me as Charlie. So like most of my bad decisions were under Charlie.

SPEAKER_01 41:42

Oh, like you're just like a different person, you know.

SPEAKER_03 41:44

Oh, I was a different person. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I was undercover. Charlie was my grandfather's name. And so my mom always was like, I'm like, you know what, I just it's all on him, you know what I mean? And I it's the new, the new version of myself, you know, is is working on it, you know, still. But either way, um, I am shocked that our kids are doing, you know, truly that they to go through what they go through all the time. And even as an adult, I look at people's lives on social media and I feel sometimes envious of something. And it's such a really tough feeling to feel as an adult because it's like I'm very happy with my life. I love my life, I love my uh my kids and my husband, but I just I I might look at somebody's and I'm like, how do they still look good from high school? Or they look better than they did in high school, you know what I mean? And there are lots of times where I do that myself, and I'm like, no wonder my teenage daughter is depressed um when she spends, you know, I mean, I think again, I don't know the exact, but there was an article about, you know, if you look at Instagram or um any social media for more than 20 minutes, your serotonin levels actually drop. I believe it. I thought that was like so interesting because it's like there's no way it makes you feel better. There's nothing on social media that makes you feel better. You know, I mean, when I say that, like I'm sure that I guess there probably is, but like legitimately if you're looking at other people's stuff, a lot of the times you feel um, and as a teenager, your body self-image. I mean, my daughter's self-confidence and image are so low, which is um, you know, so hard for me to hear. But I think either way, I I do think that you come out with your I mean, again, there's no book. I mean, with Mother's Day coming up, it's kind of perfect timing. I'm releasing this on Mother's Day. And uh, I do think that I this is something I wanted to ask you real quick, and we can wrap up this, but do you with Mother's Day, what is do you find it just as confusing as I do? Because it's Mother's Day, right? So I should be doted upon. Right. But I also have a mom that I should do on. And then she also has a mom. So it's like, who is it that we're oh, and my husband has a mom too. So who's getting our attention? I kind of thought that maybe like how Mother's Day should work, and then you chime in. It should it just be about like if you're actively recognizing. Raising children, you should be honored. If you've done your job and your kids are grown, Mom, I love you. You know that I love you. Uh she'll be the first person listening to me. Why did you say how dare you? Um, no, I would call, you know what I mean? But like the just and my mom, um, it's not like my mom pressures me, but I do know that she'd feel I I do think there's a part of her that'd be like, you didn't even come see me, you know, or something. Yeah. She says she wouldn't, but mom, I know you would. Um, especially if like you go see someone else's mom. So it's like, what's the role here? Somebody help me out. Christian, do you know what we do? What are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 44:34

Well, I'm um I'm lucky that I don't have to worry about my mother-in-law because she lives in Iowa. Oh, okay. So that's just kind of off the table. Off the table. Um, I'm laughing because Brent and I got into a big fight about this. Actually, was it last Mother's Day or the Mother's Day before, or maybe both of them, um, that I didn't get anything for Mother's Day. Mother's Day came and went, and there was just nothing. No. And I was so mad at Brent. And he was like, Well, you're not my mom. And I'm like, I'm the mother of your children. Who's gonna you know, like Emmett? And he's like, Well, Emmett's too little. I'm like, exactly. That's why it's your job as the day. It's your job to get me something.

SPEAKER_03 45:15

Oh my goodness. So you didn't get anything that Mother's Day. No. What do mothers not want for Mother's Day? What's something that you would be like offended by? Would you be offended by cleaning stuff? Are you cool with that? Are you cool with like vacuums and instapots and stuff?

SPEAKER_01 45:30

If my husband got it for me, I'd be like, okay, message received. Yeah. I'm the worst. You're the worst.

SPEAKER_03 45:36

So would you feel the same way about like a treadmill or something? Oh, absolutely. So no gym membership. I'd be like, you know what, dude? So listen, guys, no exercise equipment. Um, I remember during the uh the the height of the pandemic, and remember Peloton released that commercial? Oh my gosh, yeah. They like went, their stocks dropped a lot. So it was like, what wife wants a Peloton for Christmas? Like, okay, fatty. Um, you know what I mean? Like, nobody wants it. So unless you ask for it, then that's different. Totally different. So, what kind of stuff? Do you like macaroni necklaces? You like the stuff you'll just throw away in a couple years? Or what kind of stuff is it that you like?

SPEAKER_01 46:10

I mean, I actually have a big container full of stuff that my daughter like made for me. Like, that's the sweet shirt. I have them in a um, like in a binder. Of course you do. One of my favorite things that I have that she that she gave me is like a picture of me, and then it's sort of like these sentence starters, and then the teacher, you know, sort of interviewed the kids. Like, what what's your mom's favorite color? Or what does she like to do? And yeah, um, and how tall is your mom? How much do they weigh in? Your mom, your mom is blank tall, and my daughter said some big. So we always read it as you know, my mom is some big tall. Oh, that's so cute. I think it said she likes to eat a lot or something. Yeah, that was true. Um, that was cute. So I I love, yeah, I love homemade stuff. Homemade stuff, yeah. That's cute. My kids, but my husband has to facilitate the activity because you know, Emmett's not gonna get up and be like, hey, it's I think it's Mother's Day, let's, you know, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 47:12

I re I I I like I love handmade stuff too, but I'm like, is it true that mothers actually want a day where they don't do anything? Is that how you feel?

SPEAKER_01 47:23

I want to do stuff with my family. Okay. Like so this Mother's Day, um, we're taking Emmett on a train ride. Oh how fun. That's so I it will be fun for me because the joy you get from the your kids. It's gonna be fun for him. And um, and Rissa doesn't have to go because that would be the lamest thing ever. At her age to go on a train ride. So I know she'll be happy because she'll have the house to herself. There we go. And Emmett will be happy.

SPEAKER_03 47:51

Isn't it funny though that we wrap our happiness up into our children's happiness though? I know. It's it's some point, some my intro uh to my podcast does talk about that most day, like most nights when I go to bed, I'm I ask myself, did I love people enough? Yet I fail to ask myself, did I give myself enough? You know, and most of the time I'm at on the back burn. And as moms, we do that. And not that dads don't, and there's plenty of dads uh that are absolutely it's not I'm not trying to make it just about moms, but moms just have this a different role. I mean, it's the way that we are, and we are involved in in far more of the uh everyday upbringing of our children. And I think though, when it comes to our kid, I I truly define my Mike always asks me, like, when are you your happiest? And I'm like, truly when we're all together, and not just when we're all together, when everyone is happy. Oh yeah. I may be internally like really struggling that day because it's tough. And like just maybe overall I am feeling more depressed than normal, but I feel so happy. It's such a weird thing. This is why I'm saying about being um, being positive while actively depressed. Like I can still be positive and I can still feel happy, but internally struggling. And I am truly at my happiest when we're all together and everybody's like laughing and there's no drama and there's no, I just feel so complete. Yeah. And that's where it's like, oh, that's really tough because like, am I focusing on myself enough so that I can give the right amount to to my family? And that's just the way moms do. We sacrifice a lot for our children, and I love spending the day with my kids for sure. I also, though, like the day to like where I don't have to do a lot, you know, like where maybe some people are kind of like doting on me, but that's okay. Mike and I, of course, have had we had to have a like sit-down discussion on like how do we divide and conquer on Sunday? Because this is what came up. Who do we see? You know, so like I'm gonna take my I'm gonna take Grace and Millie to go see my mom, yeah, while he's seen his mom, and then we'll celebrate me in the evening. My daughter has not had soccer games in a month, and they have a soccer game on Mother's Day. Are you kidding me? So we're gonna be playing soccer on Mother's Day, and then the conversation Mike was like, I don't really want you to do, like, have to do soccer at Mother. If I'm like, if nothing else defines motherhood, then taking your kid to a soccer game. I don't know what does. Um, so motherhood is amazing. So I I so uh very much surprising on a day-to-day basis. Um but I think more so I have to probably be better at being more grateful for what I have. Um both of us, uh Christian and I both are in special education, and I have met over the years of meeting families and doing parent training, and um I remember it was like one of my first families, and I sat down with this mom and I'm like, what is a goal that you have for your son? And she said she said, I just want him to tell me he loves me. And if you work in this field, if you know that the the dynamics of that statement is that every day I have children that just truly worship the ground I walk on. Um not always great, but for the most part, like Amelia would, I mean, just she like I meant, I'm sure it's just like they're all over. I I never doubt how much that she loves me. She tells me all the time she can hug me, she can communicate, she can physically do anything that she needs to do. And I have families that have multiple children with uh developmental disabilities, and um I uh I am just I need to practice being more grateful because I think that there are times I get lost in the mix of how challenging raising a teenager is that I forget how hard people have it. And I think we can still be we can have pity on ourselves for sure. There's no there's no shame in feeling sorry for yourselves, but the reality is we should be more grateful for what we have and what we're given. Um, because there are uh people struggling with far more than the fact that my daughter doesn't want to spend time with me, you know. And so I I'm working on that and I am but so parenthood, so for all the mothers out there, happy Mother's Day. Uh you are doing an amazing job. If you're doubting yourself, please don't um because you're doing the absolute best that you can. And I think there's a lot that is um spoken about, you know, like I said, maybe um you have maybe friends that post all the wonderful things they do with their kids, and maybe you're questioning, like, oh, do I do enough with my kids? And oh my goodness, this this parent must have it all together because I've seen all their organization videos on TikTok and um their fridge must look so clean. I mean, I even found myself before Christian came over, you know, picking up because I'm like, I Christian appears to be someone who's super organized. She is very organized, by the way.

SPEAKER_01 53:06

My husband would laugh so hard if he said that.

SPEAKER_03 53:09

So I I like I just was frantically being like, what can I do to like make sure that she knows that I'm somewhat, you know, organized. But the reality is she doesn't care. No, and the same thing goes for if I went to her house, I wouldn't care. The last thing I'd be thinking about is anything to do with her house. It would just be about spending time with her. But just recognize that anybody who is um putting on a persona of some sort of they have their their stuff together, I promise you they don't. Everybody falls short, everybody has struggles, theirs just may look different than yours. And the struggles that Christian and I have gone through raising children by ourselves, and uh those are different struggles than some of you may have. Maybe, maybe you've been married this whole time, but you've been in a marriage where the husband hasn't been involved or your spouse hasn't been involved, uh, vice versa, the wife hasn't been involved. I think everybody's story is different, but just don't be afraid to ask for help. Don't be afraid to reach out to someone you maybe just met and talk about your struggles. Because if I wouldn't have reached out to Christian, I truly would have felt very alone in this in this process. And I'm because people don't post stuff about how tough their teenagers are, they only post stuff about their little kids. And but motherhood is is great and lovely and messy and it sucks sometimes and it's really, really hard. Um, but I wouldn't be anywhere without my children. I wouldn't be who I who I am now without them. And um I'm just so grateful for for all that they bring to my life and all the joy and um all the struggles for sure.

SPEAKER_01 54:44

I think we also should both of us practice not being so hard on ourselves because for sure. Like you said, we we did everybody just does the best that they can. Yeah, and there is really no instruction manual about how to raise kids. Even with all of the books, the kids are all different and everybody's situations are different, and there's just a thousand choices that you have to make as a parent, and there's just no way to know what's right and what's wrong and how things are gonna turn out, and all anybody can do is just love their kids and do the best that they can. And um I think about all of the mistakes that I made, and none of those things were because of anything my parents did. So I don't know why I I think about all of the the things that my daughter that I that I worry about for her because I don't want her to be hurt, I don't want her to make a big mistake that's gonna follow her. Um I I worry about that for her, but I can't prevent that, and none of it has anything to do with anything that that I've I've done. It's it's hard to let go of that. It's easier for me, I think, to kind of put that blame on myself.

SPEAKER_03 55:56

For sure.

SPEAKER_01 55:57

Take ownership of that. But um I think if if we're just not so hard on ourselves, and and I feel like I need to give my daughter a little bit more credit because when I, like you said earlier, think about some of the things that I was doing at her age. Well, I was already pregnant at her age.

SPEAKER_03 56:14

Yeah, she's uh she's already better than you notice. Well, I mean, I'm pretty sure as my daughter was talking about a medical marijuana card, I was like, Yep, I was probably high at your age. I mean, like, I was just thinking about this lifestyle where it's like, no, my life is so different now, but it doesn't mean that I wasn't some person that was, and she is she is far better than I ever was. The desires and the dreams that she has for her life and the and the care, she's very cautious. And I think ending this episode with talking about all the wonderful things about her kids is is pretty great because as hard as it is, I'm very blessed to have a daughter who is driven and is wanting to do more with her life. I never felt that way. I mean, I wasn't feeling that way, obviously, at the time, and um, I was making bad decisions left and right, you know. And I mean, I had a tongue piercing. I mean, who gets a tongue piercing? You know what I mean? I got a tongue piercing. I wait, I was like watching your judgmental face. I know were you thinking about what you could say or ask next?

SPEAKER_01 57:16

I was just thinking, wow, there is something that is different between us. Like I just thought we had all, you know.

SPEAKER_03 57:23

Did you didn't have any confusion?

SPEAKER_01 57:25

Did you think that I was gonna be like me too?

SPEAKER_03 57:26

No, I oh please button up your shirt. No, you were not.

SPEAKER_01 57:32

I really, really wanted to get my belly button pierced.

SPEAKER_03 57:35

Of course you did. I don't know. I don't know. I had like a friend who got a belly button pierced. I was never like, I was never skinny enough for a belly button piercing, even though like I would kill to go back to my high school body. I mean, my 18-year-old body to go back to that. I thought I was like, did you have that same experience? When I when I was 18, I thought for sure, because none of my friends, I mean, because I was like, let's just say talk size, right? So like when I was my senior year of high school, like I got I actually got pretty fit, like I'd lost some weight. Anyway, I was I was always a very strong person and I always always was like, oh, you're just big bone. Remember that saying big bone? It's not an actual thing. People are not big boned, it's just fat, but it's fine. But I was actually like, so women that are listening in no sizes of women, I was a size 12 at 18. And I thought I was so fat. And why I did is because none of my friends were a size 12. I couldn't share any of my friends' clothes, so like they would share clothes in their closet and stuff, like they'd go over and be like, oh, let's borrow clothes. I could never borrow clothes, so I'd always have to make sure I brought my own clothes because I was never small enough to fit in theirs. And like, even just thinking about like Victoria's Secret, I had friends that like would go to Victoria's Secret. I'm like, uh no, like nothing really fits. And I was a size 12.

SPEAKER_01 58:53

I know.

SPEAKER_03 58:54

To go to get my body back to that shape. It's so funny to fighting shape of a size 12. I'd give anything to go back and like kick myself. Because I I Grace actually, when she was, she went to go try out do prom dresses, and she said she was gonna go with her her boyfriend, and they were going. And while she was gone, I texted her and I said, You are beautiful. And she texted me back and said, Thanks, I really needed that. And I said, Please don't wrap your value and worth up into a prom dress because I remember our bodies are very similar in like I besides being like fat, uh I am very curvy. I've always been very curvy, I've always been that way. I've always had a big, but I remember a friend saying when I lost, when I did lose some weight, she was like, How come you didn't lose any of your boobs? I'm like, because I've always had a big rack, fat, skinny, a little smaller, whatever. And so um, it's kind of a family thing, but thanks, mom. And so um, so I that was she was like, How did you how did you not lose that? The thing is, we're both just curvy, yeah, women. And you know, you you talk about that too with your daughter. And so clothes just fit differently than they do for most other people. I it's hard for me to find anything that doesn't show my cleavage, even if it's very like, you know, conservative. Yeah, I'm like, how is that a whore shirt now? Like I'm clearly in like a very button up, I'm pretty sure I got it from Torrid or something.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:18

How do I have cleavage with this turtleneck on?

SPEAKER_03 1:00:20

Oh no, what's that? What's that dress barn? I got this from dress barn. I love dress barn. That's what I'm saying. That's what I mean by I somehow got this in dress bar, dress barn and I look like a whore. Um, but it's it's just I don't know why. But I the point is, is that I she was truly wrapping up her worth into this dress she put on that didn't fit her right and didn't look good. Listen, I d I I obviously am very certain that no teenagers are listening to this, but if you are a mom of any daughters bringing them up, don't talk about your weight or size in front of them. I I never do talk about my weight and size in front of my kids, even though I feel insecure about it. I never talk about it in front of them because I never want that to be a thing. I actually just talk about with Grace, I've talked about my own insecurities when I was, you know, younger and how it actually held me back. Um now I just think about I can't sit in one of those plastic chairs at the pool or I'll break it. You know what I mean? Like in those plastic chairs. I mean, it's a pretty low weight limit. But anyway, I think they're the worst. They are the worst. Like anybody that sees them, like, oh no. Um, I actually very shameful moment had um when we were in Mexico, nothing broke, but I we went to this restaurant and they had these chairs, and my hips are so wide that like I was kind of to squeeze my ass in them, similar to like what I did on the airplane, you know what I mean? Pretend like my seatbelt buckled, although it didn't because I was embarrassed to get a seatbelt extender. But I like put I like pushed my so you like, you know, my sides are kind of sticking out of the seat thing. Anyway, it's a buffet, right? So I'm already like when you're already like heavier person, buffets are your worst nightmare because you're like, you can't just go up and get whatever you want because you feel lots of judgment around it. So you're like getting salad, and I don't need salad that often, but I'm like, I'm gonna get salad. Um, and so I'm like come back, and this guy, the sweetest guy that was like had switched my chair around for one without arms on it, he clearly saw my fat ass struggling and was like, you know what, I'm gonna replace this chair over. And so he came over with like a chair with no arms. It was the sweetest gesture ever. He didn't make a big scene about it and just like did it really so super sweet. But anyway, I if you are a mother of girls, even if they're little, make sure that you're confident in front of your kids, confident with your body. I honestly just wish I was more confident, you know, with myself because it's like you can be whatever size you want to be. Lizzo does it best, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 1:02:51

Like she's amazing.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:52

You wear your you wear whatever makes you happy, and I'm in no place to judge you. And please don't be a parent that is judging other moms. Every one of us should be building people up, not putting each other down. It's something that Christian and I talked about today is that like our jobs as not just women, right? But as mothers who are modeling to our children, my daughter will never go to another girl and insult her or boy for that matter or hurt or hurt them in any way because we I want my children to be good people. And my daughter may be asking for a medical marijuana card, but she would never ever hurt someone in a way that was like putting them down or bullying them. That's never been something that she would do. And so I'll I will take the fact that I have raised really good kids who are struggling sometimes with things, but are good kids and are good to other people. Raise your children to be good human beings. Yeah, I think that that's truly and when we talk about like what we want for our kids, I want my kids truly to be happy and to be good people. And I know we say successful, I mean like ideally, yeah, we want our kids to be, but I'm like, if my kids are successful and not happy, I don't want that. You know what I mean? I would rather my kids be doing what they want to do and what they love to do and be happy and um be good. I I want, you know, it's like where you um like when we have parent teacher conferences and you know, you have a teacher that says, you know, I would love a classroom full of Grace's or a classroom full of Amelia's. I'm like, oh, I'm doing a good job. And when Grace was, I I'm trying to make up, Grace, for all the things I've said about you this episode, but um, this is when Grace was in kindergarten, it's her first, it was her first day there, and there was a kid who dropped his tray at lunch, and all the kids were laughing. Grace got up, picked his tray up, and went and got him a new tray and brought it back to him. The teacher sent me an email. I don't t text, I don't think texts were really going on then. I'm trying to think about like when text started. It wasn't as easy because you had to hit four or six times before you could get to H or whatever, you know what I mean. So I I she had sent me an email and just talked about how amazing it was to watch such a young girl do this. And I I've gotten similar things about my daughter Amelia, and I think that's truly all I've ever wanted for my kids is to be good people. Yeah, and I will I will model that day in and day out about being a good person as much as hard as as hard it is sometimes to be good when you're feeling really trapped in a situation where somebody's very negative towards you, it's hard to not be negative back, you know. But I would just say if you are as a mother, um just know your kids are watching every single thing that you do. Yeah, every model of behavior, every time that you look yourself in the mirror and think you look fat, or watch yourself or make a comment about another mom at the pool because she's wearing a bikini and she may be too heavy to wear a bikini. All that stuff your kids are listening to and they're saying those things when they get older, when they're um to other people. And just just be aware of how we're modeling, and how you're modeling to your kids. And I'm not perfect. I have failed at this probably more times than I can count. But always kind of catching myself or telling my kids, like, listen, that wasn't okay for me to feel that way or express that. But I think ultimately um as moms, we are our we are our hardest critics for sure. Yeah. We do not need other people bringing us down. So be good to others, be kind, and do so with with no judgment, because we're all in a rough place. It um we're all struggling with our own battles. That maybe we'll we'll never know. I'll never know some of your struggles, and you'll never know mine. And all we can do is just continue to be good people and um care and love one another. And I appreciate it. Thank you for making the time to come out. Thanks for having me. You're welcome.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:45

Alright, everyone. Thank you for listening to another episode of Just Winging It with Charlotte. Just remember to continue to be kind, loving, and giving to those around you. Mother Teresa said it best when she said, I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples. Until next time, be the best version of yourself and love one another without judgment. Thanks so much.