Just Wingin' It
Just Wingin' It
Becoming a Dad Overnight
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Mike and I discuss the joys and challenges of becoming a dad overnight.
Hello everyone! Welcome to Just Winging It. My name is Charlotte. I'm a board certified behavior analyst, mother of two, just checking things off my bucket list. Starting a podcast has been a dream of mine, even if I only reach one person, that is one more person that needed to hear me. I have felt broken and alone. I am constantly doubting myself in my professional life and personally as a parent, friend, and wife. Most days I lay awake wondering if I loved people enough. Did I give enough of myself to others? But forgetting to ask, did I give enough to myself? Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever ask yourself, when did time start moving so fast? When did I let myself go? When did my kids grow up? Why didn't I teach them that sooner? If so, you are in the right place. I want to reach people who are just like me. People who have made mistakes, loved, lost, and yet still continue to actively choose to be kind. When the world is chaotic and you feel as if there's nothing left, please know that there is. Continue to choose to be kind, be giving, and take chances.
SPEAKER_01Hello everyone.
SPEAKER_02Welcome back to episode three of Just Winging It with Charlotte. Today I have brought my wonderful husband back on by popular demand. Hey, Michael.
SPEAKER_00I kind of doubt that, but um.
SPEAKER_02Everybody said bring back Michael. Bring back Michael. They said they agreed that your voice was very, very sexy. They said bring him back.
SPEAKER_00So well, thank you so much for having me on.
SPEAKER_02Today, I wanted to bring you on today to talk about raising teenagers. I know I just did an episode about raising teenagers, but I thought this would be the best one to talk about bringing teenagers into a new relationship. I have friends who reached out to me since starting the podcast, talking about how they've gone through similar situations with me going through divorce, dealing with new relationships, and talking about what that looks like. How do you introduce your teenagers into the new relationship? And how do you include them in with the new, your new partner? And I thought this would be the good opportunity for me to talk about it since I've experienced it myself with meeting Mike and bringing my two children into the mix, raising teenagers together and what that looks like. And hopefully someone out there who's experienced the same thing ours in the middle of experiencing this will take away something that has benefited us and that has worked for us, or something that has not worked for us and can find a place to make it work for their family. Since I brought two kids of the mix, Mike does not have any children of his own that he brings to the table. So I kind of wanted to bring him in and ask him. And if you also don't know, Michael has asked my children if he can adopt them. So he kind of became a dad overnight, what feels like from essentially the day we met, and more seriously, the day we got married, he became a dad to my girls. So uh Michael.
SPEAKER_00I still remember pretty clearly the day I met your girls. I mean, I I mean for most people, you know, I mean it's you know, what less than two years, and uh most people are like, well, yeah, of course you remember it clearly, but you know, I have a pretty pretty bad memory. Yeah, the worst.
SPEAKER_02He needs an alpha brain, I told him. It was, and it he came over and we made pizzas together.
SPEAKER_00And they were both just like so sweet and as is really wonderful. They are sweet.
SPEAKER_02Uh we and we played a game, but now I can't remember which game we played.
SPEAKER_00Uh I well, you know, um Tenzi was the first game we played.
SPEAKER_02We did play Tenzi and we played something else. Very quick, Grace's interaction.
SPEAKER_00Oh no, no, no, no. The one where uh you roll in it's uh watermelon.
SPEAKER_02No, like oh Quing Quingo. Quingo. I said Tenzie.
SPEAKER_00Quingo's what I was thinking. I just got to play that game.
SPEAKER_02It's a fun game. Quingo's a fun game. We played Quingo and some Tenzi, and then Grace left after that, and then we made pizzas. Made pizzas and hung out, which was really lovely. Yeah, and we had a great time. Emily loved Mike, of course, and Grace had great things to say about him too. But her she is of course, she was far more reserved when meeting Mike, and it was definitely a lot tougher for her. I mean, going through a transition of having a father in your life and then not seeing him for close to three years was very difficult. And then here your mom comes in with uh some man and is like, yeah, we're like friends and hanging out. And although at the time she was 16, so she wasn't like stupid. I mean, she knew what was up, but also just kind of keeping her feelings, I was trying to protect her feelings by not being too like, oh, we're we're actually very serious. Because Mike and I were quite serious at that time, and uh, but I didn't want her to feel pushed aside. That was always my biggest concern with Grace. I knew Millie was gonna jump right in and be so excited to have Mike in the picture, but Grace I knew would be quite reluctant and maybe be really concerned about sharing me. You know, that's always been really tough for Grace, is our time. And she values I I also respect our time and value it and find it to be super important. But as my children get older, that time becomes less and less, and usually it's on Grace's terms. That's just the way that it goes when they become teenagers. It's their time, their agenda, and you know, you're kind of put on the the back burner a little bit. So I was trying to tread lightly, so she knew she was still important to me, and that I wanted her to find some connection to Mike. To give a little backstory too about Grace and her relationship just generally with uh her dad is very much of a fear-based type of interaction. And I remember her describing that she was very just scared to approach him with anything of maybe disappointment or maybe even things that weren't that serious, but his response was always very explosive. And I remember very clearly one night we were coming home from Mike's parents' house and we had some leftovers. And Grace was eating them in the backseat of the car, and she said, Oh no, I spilled uh, I don't think she said ranch or something, you know, all over your seat. And Millie immediately replied, Oh, it's okay. I spilled something in Mike's car the other day, some ranch or something for McDonald's. And Mike immediately said, It's oh, it's not a big deal. We can clean it up later. And as much as people who are listening might think, like, what's the big deal? It was a pivotal moment for me uh as my children's mother to do you cry on podcast? Is that okay? I think it was a a very big moment to to recognize that my children didn't have to be afraid anymore. And I recognized that Grace was actually testing Mike because she actually hadn't spilled anything at all, and she followed it up with, oh, I was just kidding, I didn't spill anything. And I recognized that that actually was a way of Grace to figure out how Mike was under pressure. And there have been, there were many situations with her uh biological father where you know he was very, very explosive in those situations and would have responded much differently. And and Grace didn't want that again, and of course I didn't want that again and promised myself it would never happen again. So, with all of that uh being said, Michael, how was it overnight or even just over the the couple years adjusting to having not just two children jump in your life? Because I think the Millie transition is much easier, but how was it adjusting to having a teenager?
SPEAKER_00Ah, well, you know, it's uh obviously a pretty big change um from the life I had, which which was uh very low responsibility, and uh you know, just kind of sleep till whenever and you know, I mean not not just having kids about me being married. I mean like everything was like an adjustment, right? I mean it's like um about time I grew up and I did, uh at least somewhat, right? I still still sleep in a little bit, but um if if you want to talk about like true 180 change is what my husband has done.
SPEAKER_02And I loved him when I loved him when he slept until two, and I love him now.
SPEAKER_00Or four, sometimes that would happen.
SPEAKER_02There was occasional four. And I loved him very much. And I think uh one of the things I actually learned, if I would have been closed off and expecting to look for that I was, you know, nitpicking all these things that were somewhat of a problem, I would have never stuck it out and I would have never made it to where we are now. And Mike may talk about this on his own, but just talking about experiences he had with dating and how people saw him or perceived him uh in in different ways is that I always saw Mike as capable of so many things. And I knew that he was going to be greater than he already was, and I believed that he his potential was higher than anybody was giving him credit for. And so he has made so many changes for a man to go from not having any children, very little responsibility, to being a full-on dad, what appeared what felt like overnight, to you know, working from home full-time and helping with the kids and housework and loving me and tolerating me and all of the things that had to change. Oh, and becoming a dog owner to two horrible dogs. I think he has oh, to then also just in case this ever does need to be shown in court.
SPEAKER_00I love those dogs so much, I would never hurt them.
SPEAKER_02He would absolutely hurt them and has threatened to hurt them numerous times. But he is a wonderful man and a wonderful husband, and I'm so so grateful for him. But I really so the change is there. I I really he has made uh so much effort. But I remember the question that Mike and I taught he asked me when we first, and you can kind of clarify if I'm wrong here, but it was very new into our not new into our relations, but when things were getting serious, maybe right after we got engaged or something, Mike had asked me and said, What do you see my role as for Grace? You know, because jumping into Millie was seven, you know, so jumping into Millie, it was like, you know, it's always easier when they're younger. It's like they can adapt, and Millie's so lovable, and she loves everyone. And and not to say that she's like the best kid around, but she's pretty close.
SPEAKER_00And there's there's still enough time with Millie where like she's uh still young enough that you know we we spend some time building our relationship just like I did with Grace. And then I can kind of step into more of a full father role because she's still young and needing that. I mean, not that Grace doesn't need she does, but everyone does. Right. But um there's just more of a clear-cut place for me, I felt like, um, in Millie's life. And um there's definitely a place I wanted in Grace's life, but I didn't know um what she wanted for one and what Charlotte wanted. Um, because Grace was almost an adult when I met her. Uh I mean, she was by the time we got married, she was 17, you know, and it's like, you know, I mean, who am I to having just met her, right? Uh to offer her life advice or something, you know what I mean? And then yeah, is how I perceived it. I I thought, you know, like I I just didn't want to step on toes.
SPEAKER_02I think I think that's uh and and Mike, of course, is such such a patient loving man. I it was always just very difficult at times where maybe he had to sit kind of on the sidelines when things were going down, or maybe we were Grace and I were having possibly more, you know, in-depth conversation. But there are lots of moments where I remember things kind of shifting for us and for Mike and Grace's relationship. And one was essentially Mike would come over before we, of course, we were not allowed to live together until we were married. So a a lot of our time when I moved to Kirkwood to be closer to Mike, there were uh a lot of nights where at that point then Mike was able just to come to my house and hang out.
SPEAKER_00Um until you know, all that time that you're describing right now, that I I didn't jump in out of nowhere two kids. That was like we were just dating. It was a build, yeah. So I mean, like I I did have some uh time to acclimate, we'll say. Yeah, and that's what getting to know them without the the pressure of like, oh, you're sure. There was a new dad. Like, what's that?
SPEAKER_02He was over a lot, and there were lots of I I think in our dating time we we met with the kids and hung out, but it wasn't as much as until I moved to Kirkwood. When I moved to Kirkwood, Mike was able to come over to my place, and then he would hang out, do bedtime routine with Millie and me. And then what would happen is one night Mike and I would we were in there chatting, and I would always go out and kind of you know check in with Grace and we'd offer to play games and stuff. And one night she came, she knocked on my door and she came in and she just started talking about her day with Mike and I both there. And we talked then. I think that conversation then led on for like 25, maybe it's 25 minutes possibly. That was the start of a very big moment for us where we then started seeing Grace coming in every night, right? And then we started seeing more and more moments where she was playing games with us, and more and more moments where she was asking Mike, you know, questions, uh, asking Mike if she could borrow some of his, you know, equipment for recording stuff. She was reading Mike and I her her poem that she wrote about her dad and how emotional that was, and she invited Mike to hear that. There were just all these things that happened.
SPEAKER_00Very just emotional night, I think, for all of us.
SPEAKER_02It was very emotional. It was amazing and very heartfelt. And when Grace comes on, uh, you know, I can absolutely ask if she wants to share it. It was very beautiful, and she shared it with the both of us, and I think that those moments were just all these this build on Mike and Grace's relationship. And Mike, the entire time this was going on, and when Mike and I had our discussion about what his role is, what I figured out is all that Grace needed from him, and not all, this isn't, I'm not saying this is small, but what she needed him to be was just loving. And that seems like, oh, we're all loving, uh, but that's not what she was used to in a in a male figure in her life with someone who was just consistently loving, consistently patient, accepting of of her and her struggles, and someone who just loved her. I think that that was what she needed. And I didn't, I had, I had done the work, you know, I'd put in the work for 16 years of being the uh loving but also disciplinary in in the in in my role as playing both roles, right? Of mom and dad. And I didn't feel that Grace needed another person to be that. However, she needed someone who was just she could consistently count on. And I I never thought of it as like she couldn't count on me because she knows she can, and our relationship is is very is very close. However, as a she needed a male she could count on. And there was a a specific time where we were kind of going through something with Grace, and again, this discussion is big about you know, kind of turning 18 and the struggles we've had, but we were having a pretty intense moment and a pretty intense day, and you know, they came, she came back in the evening, and you know, Mike made a point to sit down and talk to her, and he talked to her and essentially told her that he loved her, that we loved her, and that we just want her to be safe, and you know, he was concerned for her. And and I am I you can clear up, babe, if I'm wrong with some of what you said, but I that just the gist of kind of what you said was that.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's I mean Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_02And so that next day I met up Grace with lunch because I, of course, we had a really tough day, and I was like, Oh, I really needed to see her kind of clear things up. And the next day she got in my car, and she the very first thing out of her mouth was Mike talked to me last night. And I said, Oh, okay, that's Mike had already told me that he talked to her, but I was just like, Oh, that's great. Um, you know, how was it? And she said, It was really nice to hear that from a man. And she said, I, you know, I hear stuff from you like that all the time, but it was really, really nice to have a conversation like that with Mike. And those Grace knows that she can count on Mike, and she knows that he is loving and accepting and patient and so so giving with her that it is exactly what she needs in a in a father. But I I do know that there are times where things come up, and I have asked Mike, what's tough is like I always feel like it's me against her. You know, it's just this where you get into this, like if you're a mom of just any children, but teenagers in particular, there's this like butting of heads constantly because you you realize you're just alike, you know. Uh Grace, of course, is my firstborn. She's very much like me. And she's also way, way better than I ever was at 18. And however, since she turned 18 and has started to kind of explore who she is and testing things out, I have found myself to be kind of like alone in it. And none of which is Mike's fault. But what I want to ask Mike is how do you feel about things that have been going on and how do you feel you've been maneuvering it and what have been the struggles? Kind of a lot, a lot of questions there, but essentially, what do you feel about things and where your where your place is?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you know, uh it's never been a struggle to be loving with Grace. I I love her and um want nothing but the best for her. But I'd say it's been a bit of a struggle being only loving, like feeling like um I don't have another role. Like um. Like I don't think I'll phrase this. But basically, I haven't been in her life for 16 years, you know. And so as much as I want to be someone that can offer life advice, and I can, I and I do, I I offer some life advice, but um but it can it can be hard feeling like when we're having conversations like you described, kind of uh deeper conversations um with the three of us, like feeling it's hard feeling like you're on the sideline, you know, like when when you want to jump in and I never want to create a situation where it's like, oh Charlotte and I are like let's say we're disagreeing, right? Um with Grace. And I never want to create a situation where Grace feels ganged up on. But I also don't want to like be like just kind of the weirdo who's sitting there listening quietly and not participating or something, you know what I mean? So like I don't know, I guess I just feel like um like my role's like just been difficult for me to find. Um but I think it is. It's it's what you described, you know, it's just that Grace needs that male figure that is loving. Um and I'm glad to be that. Uh I try my best. I hope I'm succeeding.
SPEAKER_02Um but I think what's really hard is just maintaining. So I've spent a a long time now, I guess probably 12 years or more, you know, practicing, you know, behavior um analysis and and working through positive behavior supports and what that looks like as a parent. And I practice it all the time. And for Grace, she was kind of my what I say game. To positive behavior supports, and I used it all the time with her, and she was so responsive to it. And she was just the biggest helper in the world. She loved the praise, she loved the feedback, very similar to Amelia, actually. They're both very uh motivated by praise and acceptance. You know, they really, really love that. Unfortunately, with Grace, what happened is because she had to take on a role when her dad left numerous times of a parent, because at when Grace was nine, I had Amelia, and that was the first time that her dad left. And for a year, Grace became a parent to Amelia and became my partner. In a really kind of weird, if anybody's ever experienced anything like this, it's it's quite difficult to just describe. But I remember her when I got her into counseling, her counselor said that she actually took on a spouse role. And she became very jealous of anybody that tried to take that role from her. And I remember feeling very, you know, scared about that because I had created that. And then I had my nine-year-old, you know, because I was working full-time and trying to support I my two children by myself on probably after taxes, $27,000 a year. Um, if anybody knows how little that is. And I was getting myself weighing over my head with lots of things. And I was counting on her, and I had her cooking, I mean, she would cook dinner and have dinner ready. I mean, at nine and 10 years old, she was cooking dinner and having it ready for me when I got home. She was doing laundry. She was just always that person who worked so, so hard to make sure I knew that she was capable and that she loved me. And there is a video actually of Grace at 10 years old throwing me a birthday party, actually, because she turns, so I had Amelia, and then let's see, Amelia was one. So she turned Grace has her birthday in January, so she turned 10 and um possibly 11 if I get the timing right. And my birthday is in April, and I have this video of me. I was asked to come up, come to my brother's house at a certain time with Amelia, and we show up there, and Grace had planned a surprise party at let's just say 11 years old. She had talked to her friend, her friend at school. His mom made cakes for us. Like we had malt, we had used her for cakes before. She talked to her friend to have her mom call our house phone so that she could bake have a cake made for my birthday. And so she had this cake made. This kid's mom brought it to school for Grace. My brother picked up Grace. Grace brought it to his house, and they had this surprise party for just my brother and his wife, and of course, their kid, you know, their kids, and then um Grace and we walk in, and this video is Grace just so, so excited to see me excited and surprised. And I see the same look on Amelia too. They both really, really want me to be happy. And when I'm not, they carry that weight, and you know, I do the same for them too, and which makes it so hard. But I remember kind of just acting surprised, and then maybe I didn't act surprised enough. And Grace wouldn't stop asking me if the surprise was good enough. And you know, all of these moments or that I'm bringing them up now is recognizing that um Grace didn't feel good enough. And although I had spent all this time praising and giving and giving and giving, she was missing a key part to her life, which was having a male figure, and not to speak to I she had my brother and my father who are both wonderful male figures, but it's so different not having a father figure around. Um, Mike is more of a dad than she's ever had in her life. And I just think that, you know, with positive parenting, and what I did was I actually kind of set her up for I I forgot how to fade it out. So I kept praising and praising and praising. And then when I didn't give her enough praise, she actually kind of felt defeated that I didn't appreciate her enough. And that's something that I learned uh over time and kind of improved on a little bit. But as Grace has gotten older, that's still something that she very much seeks approval. She wants, it's actually been probably the best thing about having her as a teenager now is just her seeking out that she wants to make me happy. She wants to make Mike happy. She really wants to make people happy. But then she's also battling this. I want to be an adult and I want to test things out. But what happens is she'll do something that happens. And then after, if I don't respond, afterwards, she starts to like overly apologize. Like, mom, are you disappointed in me? I I'm sorry, I hurt you. And just this really, really concerned that she has disappointed me. And the hardest part about that is, like I said, feeling alone in those moments of not knowing what I did and what I didn't do, I guess, to get us to the point where we were at, where which which was where we were struggling to find our place together. And I know, I absolutely know, because the more I talk in the in my uh my friend who's coming on later, I absolutely know that I'm not alone in this and raising a teenager. It is so, so difficult. And my husband is so amazing and just jumped in with both feet and never once complained about what he had to take on. And I always make jokes. It's it's a it's a thing. I probably should stop, probably, um, because the kids might get concerned. But I always make jokes when the kids are fighting or like when the dogs are being ridiculous, and like, you guys, Mike is going to leave us. And I always like, and he always follows it up with I'm definitely not that Mike is never gonna leave us. But I always just think, like, oh my goodness, if you guys keep this up, Mike is walking out the door. Because I I think you know, you see more, the more you're together, you see it, the more you see. And I just feel though that Mike is, of course, the most patient man. I wish I had half of his patience. And I thought I was a super patient person, but I met Mike and I was like, oh whoa, I have a lot to learn. And I'm so so grateful because we bring the right amount of balance to it. And I feel like we're both learning from each other. And even in the parent front, I Mike is a wonderful parent. Um, I know that he's learning from me, and I'm learning from him in so many ways. And I think just trying to uh I'm sorry, I keep getting off track with my focus of this conversation, but it is it does all kind of come together, believe it or not, of just how difficult it is raising a teenager because you just don't know where your place is, and not just a teenager like the process of when they turn 13 and then it's like, oh, okay, they're teenagers, please. 13 is nothing. You know, 13 is like you still are in full control of your child. They're teenager by number, but it doesn't represent much. You know, nothing changes. When you have that shift from even 15 to 16, right? That's a big one. 16 years old equals driving, right? So that's a big jump. And then you have that, like, oh, that fear of, oh my goodness, I I don't know how I'm gonna handle this. And then you don't, you have a bit, and then 18. I never expected because Grace was never a big Grace was home most nights, never a big partier. I I wasn't there really wasn't much I was too concerned about. We've had moments where things have happened where I've been concerned, but there wasn't much that I was, I always knew where she was, you know. And then all of a sudden she turned 18 and everything changed. And I don't think that she meant it to change. I actually interviewed her for a separate talk and we a little bit about how she actually didn't know what her place was. And it was quite interesting to see her point of view of where she's like trying to explore being an adult, but she's not actually an adult. Adult, yes, by everyone's standard, 18 is considered an adult, but all these things started happening. I could no longer speak for her at the doctor, I could no longer sign paperwork for her at the doctor. I now don't have to do anything for her because she can now go to any tattoo parlor and get a piercing or a tattoo without my consent. She can now go and buy a vape if she wanted to go buy a vape. She can now go get a medical marijuana card. The list goes on and on about what my daughter has access to that I no longer have control over. And what I do have is she lives under our roof, right? And she's still in high school. And all these things are like how do you keep your kids close, but yet still give them a bit of a, you know, a what I don't know, go. I'm I'm blanking on what I want to say, but giving them a little wiggle room to learn and grow from because I I am I have been learning that, and for the past four months, it has been up and down struggle where I think I've got it figured out, and then all of a sudden, slap in the face, I don't have it figured out. And then I have Mike who's here trying to figure it all out with me, and yet still just trying to show love and acceptance to grace, and it's still it's very hard, it's a hard place, and I and I, although I've consumed this conversation and from our last podcast, everybody's like, bring Mike back, bring Mike back.
SPEAKER_00Uh sorry, I've just been like so interested listening to you. I I didn't want to interject too much. I felt like you were doing such a great job.
SPEAKER_02Well, thank you. I I think I just but I do really want to know. Mike is first of all also the most honest person in the world, so I know that he would tell me at this point, but I would like to know things that you worry about the most, you know, when it comes to you know, we're we're dealing with Grace who like is legit graduating in a week, which I cannot wrap my head around. And she's a she of course received the A plus program, so she's doing uh two free years of community college, and I which I'm I'm so so happy about and proud of, and we had kind of made an agreement that she could, of course, stay here and save money. And so she's actually been doing really good with that. She's been working multiple jobs so that she could spend one of her jobs income and then just save the rest. And doesn't mean she's not a teenager still and have you know moments, but I made a deal with her that if she started wasting money, that she would have to start paying something, you know, if it's rent, if it's her insurance for her car, her cell phone bill or something, that I would have her start paying if she started kind of wasting money. So she tells she shows me her bank account now, like where she's at, and she actually doesn't like to waste money. Because there, I don't know if you've ever heard her say that before, but she's like, Oh, that was so much money, like I shouldn't have done that. Or she's actually told her friends.
SPEAKER_00And she's very cost conscious when she's shopping, for sure.
SPEAKER_02And she, and that's goes back to my, you know, Mike and I, Mike's Dearburg's money and I'm Aldi Money, back to that first podcast. Is that when you start to look at those things, you start to realize, yeah, I need to, I need to start, but she is very, she shops a lot of goodwill and she does that. But I anyway, to come back around to this rant that I'm going on, is how do you how do you find your place if you're a stepparent listening to this call and you're or you've you know you've come into um same thing, like you have children of your own and they have children of their own and you both are dealing with becoming a step parent. What are some of the biggest things that have been adjustments for you, Mike?
SPEAKER_00Well, just I mean, all of it, right? I mean, like coming coming into the the parenting role altogether has been an adjustment, but um, you know, it's been different with Grace and with Millie. Um with Grace, like we talked about, uh, you know, my main role is just to be loving and to be there for her, support her, and uh cheer her on, you know. Um which has been awesome. And I I feel like Grace and I have been uh really uh building our relationship. Uh and with Millie, it really is the same. Um at first, you know, I mean, I'm still building with both of them love and trust, you know, because I'm still at least somewhat the new guy. You know. Uh I mean it's been a year, but I mean I'm I mean two years since we met, but like a year. About a year, I think a year. Yeah, I mean a year, a year, yeah, a year in which I've been married to you and uh, you know, in a father role.
SPEAKER_02I don't think the first year counts too too much. Yeah. It doesn't.
SPEAKER_00No, I mean it was getting to know them, but I mean yeah. Um so yeah, I mean it's been about a year and um I think with Millie, it was like I said, it's the same thing. I'm just building that love and trust. But then with Millie, I feel like I like she's young enough that I can then step forward a bit and um kind of offer more what you'd traditionally think of as like parenting comments. I don't know.
SPEAKER_02And I have to be honest with you, it if you're if you're in this position, I would say, I mean, I truly feel like we have possibly cracked the code in the becoming a step parent. And I don't consider, of course, Mike a step parent, although I know that like that's what he is, but he is their dad. Um in all meaning of what dads are and and what dads do. He is their dad.
SPEAKER_00Well, and that's that's the the view I've taken of it too from the beginning is that I mean I they're my kids. I I love them, and I think if you go into it with any other view, you're not gonna have a great outcome from it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and you I will I mean, as a I when I first got married, I was a stepmom to two children who were actually both teenagers, and I I was twenty two years old having to parent teenagers, and I didn't even know what I was doing. I was a I was a child myself. I didn't know how to parent teenagers, you know. I mean, that was just so shocking to me. And I I wish that, you know, I had some resources or some help with how to manage that and how to be a loving, supportive person without having to be someone who is you know barking orders at them or having them, you know, f it's just it's something you can't jump in right to being a disciplinarian.
SPEAKER_00Right. Because you have the truth is you have no right, right?
SPEAKER_02You don't. And it's just like it's it's truly what I spend time teaching but people and training people about, even with you know, working um in my field, is that in order to be able to deliver any type of let's just say it was instruction or direction, you have to first build rapport. And I really feel like that's what I'm looking at when I think about apparent always rapport. It's like, you know, very but it is, it's building a relationship.
SPEAKER_00I mean, rapport like if you don't have that relationship, sorry, then of love and of trust and um and and just understanding, you know, that uh this person's someone who has my best interest, which is I guess what love and trust is, but yeah, my best interests at heart and is is there for me, right? Then why would I listen to your I don't know, your discipline or whatever.
SPEAKER_02But and once you get there, and that takes time, and like my set Mike said, it's taken him time, and he finally feels like with with Amelia that he can step in. I will tell you, if you're the mom or the dad on the other end of that, please understand that you're not alone whenever I say it's hard to hear someone else give your kids feedback. You know, that is maybe some sort of like direction.
SPEAKER_00I don't I don't feel like Amelia is some maybe that's the better word to use than discipline, because it's not always discipline. No, it's not. But like, yeah, the feedback.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, and it might just be another person who stepped in and said, Hey, your mom said this, you know. The thing is, I I find that I've I mean, contrary to stories you may hear or whatever may happen, we're all flawed people. And I found myself, I I think that I'm a good parent, and I think that I've done uh a great job with my kids, and I think that Amelia is a wonderful listener, and I don't think there's a lot of times where Mike has to step in. However, I think that if Mike and I didn't have such a strong, loving, trustful relationship, hearing that, hearing him give Millie a you know a separate direction or or something of a feedback, I I it would be really hard for me. So I think it comes back to also having a trusting, loving relationship with your spouse so that you do trust and talking about it. Mike and I talked about his role for months and months about where he belonged with the kids. And he would ask me, where do you, you know, where do you see me? And I as a father or mother or partner, you're stepping into that role. I think it's important for you to recognize that you need to talk to your spouse about what they expect from you. The second that you stop asking each other what they expect from from you is when things go poorly. And it's where you respond emotionally, you're very reactive instead of proactive. And I think that that's really important for I've gotten to the place where, you know, I can start to feel comfortable with saying, Mike, can you step in or can I take a break or walk away? Not that, again, that with Amelia doesn't necessarily happen, but I was that day that Mike spoke to Grace, I was broken and just beaten down to what I felt was like my very low, lowest, because we had had quite a really tough, tough afternoon. And I was like, my eyes were swollen, I'd been crying all night, and I just, you know, laid there and I was like, I need to, I need to go to bed. And Mike had said, I'm gonna well, I'm gonna stay up, you know, and and chat with Grace. And although it's not me tapping, but I was, I was tapping out, I needed to be done. And what Grace needed from me though is that she did need me to be up and have a moment where we can connect, but I wasn't ready. And so if I didn't have Mike, if Mike wouldn't have been able to step in there, I don't know if that next day would have gone as great as it did. And I'm so grateful for that. And he might have thought of it as a very, you know, minor thing, but the reason why he was able to do that is because he knew what was expected from, you know, like we've talked about it, what his role is, and just by saying that he loved her and he cared for her and he was there for her was enough for her to open up and say, okay, the next time I do this, I'll let you know. And she followed through with it and respected us. I mean, that next day she had sent over, you know, the information we had requested and since then has now asked, you know, invited me to be on live 360 so I can see where her car is at all at all times. And so there have been some very big moments we've had in the past four months, but the adjustment is just very, very tough. And so if you're a step parent adjusting, and there is a way to make it work. And what's tough too is Mike hasn't for very not to say he hasn't, because he has, but some of you are maybe co-parenting, so you have another, you know, your spouse, your ex-spouse is still in the picture raising your children with you. I feel like that also adds in a whole nother dynamic.
SPEAKER_00And that's something that I, you know, gosh, I have mixed feelings. I was about to say I'm really grateful for. Um I'm also not because I feel like, gosh, you know, it's uh it's sad, you know, that he's not more involved. And I want for the kids' sake, I want them to have a biological father who loves them and is involved in their lives and stuff. But unfortunately that's just kind of not, you know, I I don't know the guy that well, but uh just my my understanding that's just kind of not who he is.
SPEAKER_02And we had we had uh So given sorry, real quick.
SPEAKER_00So given that I think it's the best outcome.
SPEAKER_02But um I think yeah, he I there were a couple meetings of you know, the two of them, and there was talk of, you know, of course, that Millie would start to flex her time, you know what I mean? That she'd be every other weekend there, and uh it didn't go it didn't go that way. And so there was small, a small amount of time where Mike had adjust to that of kind of hearing about him, which is really tough, right, for anybody. Right. And um, so if you're dealing with that, I know that can be really, really tough. And we just had a very short time of it, and meeting your spouse's new spouse or meeting their you know, girlfriend or boyfriend or whoever you're meeting, all that can be very, very difficult, especially. I mean, I was in a 15-year relationship, it wasn't short. It and eight of those years were married. I think that life just um it works out the way it's supposed to work out. And like Mike and I said, we met when we were supposed to meet. And if you're a fan of Justin Bieber, he has a great song called Lifetime, and it pretty much represents exactly what we've experienced that there is absolutely people that come in your life for season, and some stay and some don't, you know, and but Mike is my lifetime, and I think that that's If if someone is your lifetime, it's worth working on. It's worth giving everything you have to make sure that you are on the same page. And a big part of being on the same page helps you raise really healthy and well-rounded children when they see that they have two parents who love and support each other. And Grace has said, I mean, just in this very short time, again, that we've been together, Grace has said numerous times, like couple goals, or you know, like when she's seen us together dancing in the kitchen, or uh maybe we're she uh she's very flat, she thinks it's so, so adorable. Mike has this pre-programmed voicemail for me. It's the sweetest thing ever. Every time I call his phone, the voicemail says, you know, how much he loves me and my name and all this stuff. And and when Grace is in the car and she hears it, she is like, Oh my goodness, that is the sweetest thing. And I can only hope I find somebody who loves me that much. And so it is a very powerful thing to see. And I never ever thought that it was gonna happen to me. And so raising teenagers.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So jumping back a bit, uh, you know, it's really been great for me not having to deal with um well, I shouldn't say not having to deal with. I've I've met him, I've spent some time with him, but for the most part, I have not had to deal with um Charlotte's ex-husband. And that's been made it a lot easier to step in as a parent. Um I'm sure for those of you who are step parents and are dealing with co-parenting situations, um that just adds a whole nother layer, can't talk, of complexity.
SPEAKER_02And I mean, and if you're dealing with an an a co-parent who isn't great, right? Or who's quite mean and treats you. I've heard of wonderful success stories where people can co-parent and be amazing together and they're friends and all that stuff. Uh, that's wonderful because that's what's best for the children. More people to love them, the better, right? And I think that was always my for the longest time.
SPEAKER_00I'm sorry, babe.
SPEAKER_02No, it's fine.
SPEAKER_00You go ahead.
SPEAKER_02Go, babe, go, no worries.
SPEAKER_00So for the longest time, as as we were um talking about uh what to do in different situations, Charlotte would ask me, like, you know, when uh Ron would say uh he wants to come see the kids or he wants she would ask me what I thought of it, like should we um allow him back into their lives? And I always took the stance that, you know, well he's their dad, and like I just have this view of like parents as they should be there, right? And and like as also I view them though as as my parents, which are loving and um gonna be there for you always. I mean, if I didn't have my dad, where would my life be? Yeah, right, yeah, and so in that context, yes, have them. But that wasn't the context we were dealing dealing with, and it took me a while to wrap my head around that to realize that oh, he's actually not a good influence in their lives. Yeah, you know, and so like I guess it's important to like have an honest look at what you're dealing with because it's not always other people's situation is not the situation you grew up in. You know, you have to look at what the situation is in truth.
SPEAKER_02And not, I mean, what's you know, and I always kind of not of any, you know, I mean it's it's not Mike, it's not, it's I'm so I wish I wish I didn't have a lot of stories sometimes. You know, like I have an unlimited amount of stories and trials and tribulations and heartache and pain and I like I am I'm so I'm so grateful that you know I'm in such a better place now. But I think that Mike sees the best in everyone, and the hope is is that everyone is just everybody's great, and then why wouldn't they be? They're their dad or mom, or they should be great. Everybody's just great.
SPEAKER_00Right. And I'm like, I mean, he's their dad, like and they they'll love their dad and they'll want to spend time with them, and he wants to spend time with them, and and like, and everything's happy and they should be together, and like his love.
SPEAKER_02It's just like what we talked about our first episode about like his idea that like there's no way that this love will stop. I love how much he loves, and I love how much he sees that this is how the world is, and unfortunately, it's not. Unfortunately, there's a lot there's a lot of people out there that are really bad people, and they're really um not just spouses and but other people that you've met and like we've talked about online dating. I mean, all those things that come around of just there are some real just not good people, and part of my reasoning also for doing this podcast was just I'm a flawed person all the time. Again, like my intro says, I question myself daily about my professional abilities, my my role as a wife and a mother. I constantly feel like I'm falling short somewhere, right? And the one thing that I was certain that I was really good at for a really long time was like, I'm a good mom. And that was something I'm like, I know I'm good at this. And that was until you my daughter, what I felt like, became a teenager. And I all of a sudden realized, like, wow, I'm not a good mom. But again, what has come up in that transition in this time of me thinking I'm not a good mom, what I realized is that I am still a wonderful mother, that my daughter is just exploring what is a very difficult, tough time for her, too. And I have to adjust with her. So I have to adjust who I thought I was and how I respond to things so that we can maintain our relationship as well, and that I make sure that my daughter's safe while she's under my roof, and that I make sure that whenever she continues on after leaving here, that she is a happy, you know, loving person. And that's what I hope most for my children and all of you listening. I know that's I know people say successful. I mean, it's not that I don't want my children to be successful, but ultimately like happy and good people, it that's who I want to raise. And there's just not a lot of room to be anything but that. And so if you have any, there are there's a lot more to talk about being the parent of a teenager, and ultimately it's just about trying to find a balance between this new person in your house because they do become new people, what feels like, because they're just kind of exploring the world too, and still trying to find yourself in all of it because it happens literally, what feels like overnight. And I remember getting in the I might mention this story again, but I remember when Grace was born, I was a single parent, and my mom was bringing me home from the hospital. I put Grace in the car and I got in the backseat to sit next to Grace. My mom was driving and she looked in the rearview mirror. I don't know if my mom listens to this if she remembers or not, but she looked in the rearview mirror at me and I looked at her and I just said, I'm sorry, mom, I ever made you worry. Because I was immediately with having a newborn, I was just like overwhelmed with what I felt at that moment. New moms or moms who have been moms for a while. Holy moly, with Mother's Day coming up, I know you know what I'm talking about, about this feeling that you no longer have this control. They're no longer safe in your in your womb. You know, you're now like responsible for this human being. And it's nothing of what I ever imagined. It would be, and all of a sudden, one day I have an adult woman, you know, looking at me, and she is she is just this grown, grown person who is finding out who she is, and I I have to be able to give her some space to do that, and that is so incredibly hard because all I want to do is wrap her up um in a swaddle blanket and and protect her from everything that's out there, and it's um so all the books that they give you about raising a baby and what it's um what to expect when you're expecting and what to expect, there's not enough about teenagers, I'm telling you. Um, because nobody knows what to do. I don't think anybody knows what the right answer is sometimes. We're all just figuring it out. And if you want to figure it out with me, please let me know. I my amazing daughter created this uh poll questionnaire that I'm gonna be posting where moms can ask questions to either me or their kids can ask questions to Grace, and vice versa, Grace and I will answer them together on another separate episode. But just know that you're not alone in this, afraid that you are, that you're not gonna know what to do. I will let you know and reassure you, you will not know what you're gonna do because there are no answers that are right. And I think maybe I should say this there is a right answer. And my husband has cracked the code. Um, and if it wasn't for him, I'm not sure that I would quite get it. But the answer is you just love them. And there are so many things that have come up that you just you don't know what your kids are gonna choose, the lifestyle, the the person they choose to love, the person, the job they choose to do, the the going to school, not going to school, not working, working, all that stuff that comes your way that they bring to you, you just need to come back with love. And my husband is so, so good at that. And I think a big part too is that because I carry so much emotional pull towards my daughter that you know, we're so her and I have a codependent relationship. It's sometimes very unhealthy because of just the years of being alone together and having to struggle and overcome so many things that it's just a different relationship, right? And but my husband comes in with just love and acceptance, and he is the most loving person. And my what I have learned when I think about ask parents what they do, ask parents how they parent a teenager. And I'm like, here I am learning from a man who became a father overnight at 36 years old and has given me the best possible advice ever, which is just come at them with love. Love people, be kind, be non-judgmental, that everybody's life is different. Everybody is given a different path. My life may have been messy and dirty and also full filled with joy at times and and success. And Mike's path was very different than mine. All of it comes back to what do you do with the life that you're given? And when people say live today like it's your last, listen, if it was my last day, I wouldn't go to work. And I wouldn't, I definitely wouldn't be cooking dinner for anybody. I mean, it's that saying is quite um uh it doesn't quite make sense to me, but I know people say it a lot, like live every, it's a very motivational thing to say, live every day as your last. I think you live every day as your best version of yourself, and that knowing that we're going to be flawed and we're going to make mistakes, but why not live each day with kindness and love for others? If we spent less time being judgmental about other people and their lifestyles and their what they choose to do, imagine how much happier you would be. And I think that that's my big focus since truly just, I mean, for a while now, but just being happy and being good and being kind. It could truly just be that you tell someone they look nice today, or that you you know pay for somebody's two dollar, you know, drink behind you, or you just do something. Because I will tell you, I I try to do things all the time that may be minor, asking somebody if they need help, if they're broken down on the side of the road, or holding the door for someone, or just telling someone, like I said, that well, you know, as as much as I'm sorry, baby.
SPEAKER_00No, baby, fine, glad. As much as I try to be a good person and a loving person, I I've definitely taken a lot um from Charlotte, you know, and just listening to her now talk about um paying for a drink of the person behind you or you know, helping someone on the side of the road. Like I see her all the time like um doing these just just small acts of kindness, you know, that um gosh, it's so important that we do that for ourselves, for our kids to see, you know, I mean, live that life, um, not just saying it, right? But getting out there and and being a kind and giving person. That's something that I've really learned from Charlotte. Um she's just always so giving, so loving towards others. And I I would just echo what she said in saying that like that's just so important.
SPEAKER_02So if the takeaway of how to raise a teenager is um I will tell you that there is no answer. There's no right answer to raise a new chair. And when I get on with Grace and we we talk together, and when I talk to my friend and interview her, there's no right answer. I mean, this big this conversation was about somewhat just kind of finding a balance between, you know, being a new parent and being in a parent that's been in the picture for a long time, but also just knowing that there is no one's gonna tell you what to do that's right. And I remember many, many parents that have these big grand plans, right? They're like, oh, we're never gonna have TV in our in our house, or we're never gonna have like our kids will never eat McDonald's, you know. And this what you picture for your life is great. It's wonderful to have those plans. I will tell you that they sometimes fall short when you're raising children. And as much as you want things to look exactly like that book told you they're gonna look, when the pressure's on and they're screaming McDonald's, McDonald's. You're gonna get them McDonald's. Behaviorally, do not get them McDonald's when they're screaming, but just reinforce them if they're doing something right. But the the point is that there is truly no right answer to this. I think that we all do our best. And I are when I do parent training for people, I mean, always ask, like, your kids must be so well behaved. I think that I have great kids, but I always tell them I say, you know, like I also am human and I make errors every day. I'm hormonal and I'm crazy and I I may lose my cool at times. And I ask parents just to give 80%, you know? And if you can do that, you're doing pretty good. And I lay up at night sometimes thinking about lots of things like, did I love my kids enough? You know, and did I love my husband enough? All those questions of did was I good enough today. So ask yourself, I don't think that there's a way to say, like, was I good enough mom? You know, was I a good enough wife or spouse or whatever questions you're asking yourself? I think the best way to do it is was I a good person today? And I've started to kind of ask myself that, and not again, not to say that I'm perfect because I I mess up all the time, but maybe it's a conversation you have with your spouse or your kids, but something that I've asked, been asking Millie, like, what's something good you've done today? And what's good about your and just just focusing on what it is that have you been good today? You know, that sounds kind of like childish, but like, have I been a good person today? And a good person looks different for everyone. But like when I have been broken and down at my lowest, there has there have been some there has been someone who has stepped in and helped me. Those are the people that inspired me to make change and become a better person. I wasn't always a great person. Lots of flaws and lots of things that I've learned and mistakes I've made over the years, and things I wish I could take back and I can't I could change. But I am actively trying to be a good person. And for some of us, it's harder than others, right? For some of us, it's actively trying to be a good person that I will tell you my life is abundantly better when I'm better. When I'm good to other people, when I'm giving to other people. When I tell a group of people, we were in Mexico. My friend and I were in Mexico, and this group, this group of women were sitting, listen, I'm a woman, a heterosexual woman, and I can look at the table of women and tell them they look beautiful. And so I went by the table and I said, You all look so beautiful today. And I walked away. They they all in the moment were like, oh my goodness, it's so sweet. The next day I saw them in the in one of the pools we were at. They came up to me and they said, Oh my goodness, we have been thinking about you nonstop. They said, The way that you came up, I I literally walked over and said, You all look so beautiful today. And they were thinking about that all day. They were thinking about how sweet it was, how kind it was to do that, and how they need to be better and they need to say that more. Listen, it's not just about telling someone they're complimenting their beauty because beauty is different for everyone, internal, external beauty that we have. But it is it was a small gesture that didn't take much from me, but made me feel really good and made this group of women feel really good. And I think it is our job to empower. I stopped somebody and said, like they had a really beautiful smile. The world is filled with negativity, and why not? How hard is it? It's free, it doesn't cost anything. How hard is it to just be kind and be giving? So, for everyone who's listening, and you know who you are that helped me at my lowest, and my husband is in the room and he is one of them. And thank you. Thank you for giving me a chance, thank you for giving me a purpose, thank you for believing that I could be better than I was 10 years ago, five years ago, even three years ago. And I'm a better person because of those people. So be the person that helps other people be better and be kind, be generous, and be loving, and remember that it's not our place to judge others and their struggles. Just help build people up and continue to accept your children with love. Thank you.
SPEAKER_01Alright, everyone. Thank you for listening to another episode of Just Winging It with Charlotte. Just remember to continue to be kind, loving, and giving to those around you. Mother Teresa said it best when she said, I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples. Until next time, be the best version of yourself and love one another without judgment. Thanks so much.