Just Wingin' It
Just Wingin' It
Horrors not "whores" of online dating
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Mike and I discuss the broken road that led us to each other and the horrible things people say behind a screen.
Hello everyone! Welcome to Just Winging It. My name is Charlotte. I'm a board certified behavior analyst, mother of two. Just checking things off my bucket list. Starting a podcast has been a dream of mine, even if I only reach one person, that is one more person that needed to hear me. I have felt broken and alone. I am constantly doubting myself in my professional life and personally as a parent, friend, and wife. Most days I lay awake wondering if I loved people enough. Did I give enough of myself to others? But forgetting to ask, did I give enough to myself? Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever ask yourself when did time start moving so fast? When did I let myself go? When did my kids grow up? Why didn't I teach them that sooner? If so, you are in the right place. I want to reach people who are just like me. People who have made mistakes, loved, lost, and yet still continue to actively choose to be kind. When the world is chaotic and you feel as if there's nothing left, please know that there is. Continue to choose to be kind, be giving, and take chances. Hello everyone. Welcome to episode four. Just in time for me to announce that I've officially hit 300 downloads from my first three episodes of just winging it. I am so incredibly honored and flattered for from everyone who has given me the opportunity to do this and has taken three hours of their time to listen to my three episodes. I really am very, very grateful. And for all the people that are in love with my husband, he is mine. You may not have him. However, you will be very happy to hear that he's on for this episode. But I really wanted to take a moment first to start with um what I feel like is an opportunity to talk about being grateful uh for all that we have. Uh I think over the past few weeks that I haven't been on, I have had some friends and family uh who have lost people very close to them very unexpectedly. And I feel that it is necessary for me to focus on just kind of taking a minute to uh kind of discuss how grateful I am for all the things that I've been blessed with, but how hard it is to uh remember that uh when you're in the um crux of everyday life and just the busyness and all the hectic things that we go through every day. You forget to just be grateful. Uh so I just want to take a minute to read uh a quote by someone named Philip Sudo. And he says, we take life for granted, sleepwalking until a shattering event knocks us awake. Zen says, Don't wait until the car accident, the cancer diagnosis, or the death of a loved one to get your priorities straight. Do it now. Although I think maybe we talked about this in another episode about how we live every day as it's our, you know, as if it's our last. However, it's not always possible to live every day if it's our last because we can't. Uh we have jobs and family, and the reality is if it was our last day, I definitely wouldn't be going to work. Uh, but I think it is making the most of every day. And something that I personally did was I had scheduled some time with uh my daughter on Friday, and I was just gonna take a couple hours to spend some time with her. And then um as the first hour passed and I watched my daughter just uh laughing and having the best time together, I decided that I was just going to let work know that I was not gonna be coming back for the rest of the day. And I remember telling Millie that because Millie thought I was gonna be going back to work and I said, Hey, I I'm actually gonna be I took off the rest of the day and we're gonna just spend the rest of the day together. And she was just incredibly happy. She started jumping up and down and she was so excited that she got to spend the whole day with me, which uh I was just incredibly grateful for that opportunity and that time. And uh I realized that stressing about work and what was coming up was not going to benefit anybody. Uh in fact, work would be there on Monday and I would take care of work on Monday and it could wait. Another thing that kind of happened uh recently is um I just was put in a situation where I felt very, you know, what felt like I was hurt and uh by someone close to me and I could have easily kind of spiraled into feeling like I needed to uh you know, maybe snap back or hold some sort of grudge. And I it it was really happened at the best time because I was currently practicing and I've been practicing trying my best to practice the ability to uh forgive and move on and remove any uh any need for holding a grudge or feeling any resentment towards uh anyone in my life because I just realize what a heavy burden that is for me to carry and life is too short, and I don't need anyone to feel anything but love from me, and so I've been really uh really trying to practice that. So okay, let's uh segue into quite a um funny, uh, what I think is funny and somewhat sad uh topic. And I just want to introduce my wonderful husband. Welcome back, uh Michael, to the recording studio.
SPEAKER_01Hello, thanks for having me on.
SPEAKER_04Hello, of course. Uh you're always welcome on. Everybody's always wanting Michael to come back on. Like, when's Mike coming back on? Um, although he's been on two of my three episodes, so um, and now three of four episodes my husband has been on, which I prefer. I love when he's on with me.
SPEAKER_00I have a good agent.
SPEAKER_04We do have a good agent. Um Casey Keesum. He works his magic for you. Although I recently learned that Casey Keesum is dead. I don't know why I didn't know that, but um, he is he is dead. I'm sorry. Um so guess what? Episode four, we are going to be talking about the the horrors.
SPEAKER_01We were discussing a little bit like how how much you have to emphasize the pronunciation, the horrors of online dating. Otherwise, it just sounds like the whores, which I mean kind of works, kind of applies, it works both ways.
SPEAKER_04Um it is the horrors of online dating. So H-O-R-R-O-R-S of online dating. We will be talking about the W-H-O-R-E-S of online dating as well. Um, but the actual title is The Horrors of Online Dating. And so I brought my husband on because, of course, as you know, if you've listened to my first podcast, my husband and I met via online dating. Uh, however, just because we had a success story does not mean that we did not hit about a thousand uh what you've been successful stories.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_04Um I was gonna say like roadblocks or hurdles uh that we faced to find each other. And in fact, finding each other uh was truly at the very end of my um online dating journey. And we'll talk about that.
SPEAKER_01You said um to me later uh after we had met, but um when we met, you were like signing off. You were you were done with online dating and planning planning to not come back, which I've actually said to myself before too. So I don't know how true yours was, but my mine have always been false.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_01I promised myself I'm not coming back, and then like I'd give in and I'd be like, all right, fine, I'll give it back.
SPEAKER_04Yes, no, I did not come back. I in fact, um Mike and I had exchanged phone numbers, and uh after we exchanged phone numbers, I delete I truly I have I was on my way out the door. Bumble was the last one that I had going. We'll talk about all the different platforms here in a second, but it was my last one. I I'd messaged Mike, we started talking a little bit, and I then uh we exchanged numbers because I was kind of just in the I didn't have any plans for Mike and I to have a future together. I just we'd exchange numbers and I just said, hey, I'm getting off of all these platforms. If you want to chat some more, reach out to me, basically, um, is what kind of happened. And then I deleted my last one, and then you know, out came Mike from um The Shadows, and we started talking again. And so uh, however, I I first kind of wanted to go over uh I have a lot of friends that have done online dating, so I have a lot of stories to talk about. Uh I have my own that are bigger, um, obviously part of this, and Mike has his. Uh, but I just kind of wanted to go through kind of the pros and cons of each of the different online uh prof you know, the online dating sites and talk about the pros and cons of each of them. Mike has his feedback. I haven't tried all of them, and I'm gonna see what Mike which ones Mike.
SPEAKER_01I've tried all of them. I also invented a few uh in which you know girls were just like directed to my profile. It didn't work. They still weren't interested.
SPEAKER_04I don't know. Um, maybe was it like your music was the background or your songs?
SPEAKER_01Uh so I do a little bit uh have we mentioned this on the podcast? I do a little bit of songwriting. Um I s I sung some of it uh pretty early. How early on do you think that was? I sung to you.
SPEAKER_04Our second date, maybe was it that early? Our second date to Mike sang one of his songs, and and just to let you know, the song was about having girls in his cellar. So uh blocked up. He didn't yeah, he didn't waste any time to be a full-on creep for sure. So uh so when I look up just when I just do a search of dating sites on online, the first one that pops up is eHarmony. Uh so e-harmony, I believe, can be something that you set up quickly but also can be paid.
SPEAKER_01Um you can do like a I almost think it's is does it have a non-paid option? I I thought it was just paid.
SPEAKER_04Oh, okay. Is it?
SPEAKER_01I I know you might be able to create a profile that you like can't check. Okay, yeah, I don't think you can chat. Yeah.
SPEAKER_04So um so anyway, I I know there's like commercials for eHarmony, or at least I know that much. Uh I personally I I may have ventured into eHarmony, but I never paid for any e like dating sites. But so eHarmony, if I did venture, there was no like success there. It was just kind of, oh, let me try. Because sometimes you think if you pay for something, you're getting a better value, you may have better opportunities, but it's really the same people that are on the other sites.
SPEAKER_02That's what I found.
SPEAKER_04They paid for it. Um they were still just as douchey on the paid sites, but I'd I'd rather just be getting free douche bags than um pay to see them. You know what I mean? Um the next one we had so eHarmony was really no, I mean there was no success for me. I like I said, I was very uh none for Mike, obviously.
SPEAKER_01No, I didn't have any uh I don't think any dates off of eHarmony or Matt.
SPEAKER_04Okay.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I tried them both. Um yeah, and tell me. But I to be fair, I didn't give them a long shot because I was like, uh, this is just the same people and like I'm paying for it. And so then I canceled because I was like, this is stupid.
SPEAKER_04Okay, so uh save your if it's totally okay if you talk about this. I I know all of Mike's dating stories, I think. Um save like where you had which sites provided you dates. Okay, when we get to them. Yeah, just when we get to them, you can talk chat about them. Okay. Um so we're gonna skip over Bumble because that's our success story. So we'll just very quickly, all of you who know about Bumble, the woman has to reach out first to the man, like that does has to greet, which I I I enjoyed a little bit because then I wasn't getting uh harassed um for different messages, but that's separate. We'll come back to that. Um okay Cupid, I did not do. Um I and Mike, you did okay cupid.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I I spent a decent bit of time on okay cupid. Um I really liked being able to create a profile and on a free site. Um, I mean, I you could have a profile on like match too, but um but I I felt like it was deeper and you were trying to get to know somebody better before um we're we weren't randomly reaching out just like oh you're cute, you know what I mean?
SPEAKER_04And oh what's what's great actually about OKCupid is I I had never been on there, uh, but back to kind of how with Mike and I's story, although we met through Bumble, once we were talking on the phone and had our late-night late night conversations, Mike was actually using this 300, 400 question.
SPEAKER_01There were a lot of questions. Yeah, I don't know.
SPEAKER_04I there was 800, I don't know, there was a lot of questions. Um he was using that that questionnaire from OKCupid, and he was asking me questions from it. So I will we'll talk about that a little bit later, but um what so I did love I never used OKCupid, but I did love um the that questionnaire, and that's what's used to build your profile.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's it's part of it, yeah. And like um, and you can search by uh some of the answers to those questions. Yeah, you can um be like, I want someone who said they're you know religious or or whatever it is you're looking for. I don't know. Um and uh yeah, okay, Cupid was good. I ultimately that's not where the world was going, though. Everyone was moving to swipe dating. For sure. And so reluctantly, I got into sites like Bumble, which actually turned out to be great. That's how I met Charlotte. But uh but I was reluctant at first. I did I did not like the idea. It felt very shallow, it felt very um just like it wouldn't lead to anything promising. Like I'm I'm just swiping if they're cute or not, yeah, you know, and then and then waiting for them to say hi. Um, I couldn't even initiate, you know, uh on in the case of Bumble. And so I felt kind of like, man, this is I I didn't like it, but it was what people were doing. So I I I gave it a shot.
SPEAKER_04It absolutely was. Um, and so leading into the swipe dating, so then the next one would be Tinder. Uh now Tinder, of course, was I think the very first one that I tried when I came back home. And honest, crazy enough, I got on so in I was living in Grand Cayman before I moved back here. Of course, I went through um separation, and so I didn't uh I didn't there were there weren't any online dating profile uh platforms in Grand Cayman. Um, however, like you know, I mean you just typically I I was so busy with work and you know, kids by myself in another country, there that wasn't happening. And but when I first moved back here, I was like, okay, you know what, I'm gonna get on Tinder, although it was the worst time for me to get on to online dating because I was in a really unhealthy place just moving back home. And then when I moved back home, I had uh two storage units that we had purchased um that we kept all of our stuff in and for when we moved back, so we had some of our things. And so I then was left with two storage units filled with uh approximately 13 years of memories. So it was a really tough, I was having to go through everything and uh donate stuff or throw things away or keep it, uh, and all the while trying to keep my kids together, which was um, you know, they were struggling in their own ways too, moving back to, you know, our hometown and then you know trying to reconnect with old friends and just re-establishing a new lifestyle. And it was hard for all of us, but I thought, oh, what better way to get to get my life together than to go onto Tinder, which is said no one ever. And so I got onto Tinder and started like swiping away. And Tinder's it's it's a dumb Tinder is super shallow, however, um currently, you know, speaking from having an 18-year-old who I discovered was on Tinder, which I had no idea, but she met a very nice young man on there. And uh it's I would say you can't meet very successful, and a lot of people say that like that's how dating is happening at 18. Everybody is like doing online dating. Um, but however, I I don't think Tinder is producing it, and I'll tell you about the what I found out with like the percentage of success. Uh Tinder's not producing any successful relationships, really. Uh, it's very low, but however, producing successful one night stands, possibly. However, I keep saying however.
SPEAKER_01I do think that is more its target audience.
SPEAKER_04It's Tinder is a very one-night stand-ish sort of site. You might have a different experience with that, but I I do feel that it is very much.
SPEAKER_01I mean, I I know I know someone who met their wife on Tinder. So I mean, like, yes. They're gonna fail.
SPEAKER_04I don't know why.
SPEAKER_01I mean, like, it can happen. I mean, like, for sure.
SPEAKER_04It it just it's it is a new wave of dating, but I I just don't see Tinder being a uh a real but again you meet someone and and your goal was to meet someone. Typically people are pretty upfront, like they just want to bang or they just wanna um they were looking for but it's really funny what I found out is like so many people lie and they're like I really want a long-term thing, and they're liars. But anyway, um so the next one I have was um it's called Zusk. Uh I never I never did that. I don't actually know what it is. Um I've never heard of that. But it said it's the best dating site if you want to connect with overseas users.
SPEAKER_01Um is it uh newer? Like was it not around when we were still in the dating?
SPEAKER_04I don't I don't know if it was or not. I I'd have to really dig deeper into that, but um yeah, I never did that, but I uh but it says that it's for like overseas users. So if you want to get somebody that doesn't live here, uh maybe a uh what is that? Uh mail and bride, mail order bride? Mail order bride. That's probably what it is. Yeah. Um you taught that's a separate story. Didn't you talk to somebody from you were WhatsApp and somebody from another country, weren't you?
SPEAKER_01Sure.
SPEAKER_04Okay, we'll talk about that in a second. Where did you meet what site so that we can talk about it?
SPEAKER_01Oh gosh. Um match or something. I'm a little forgetful who I met where, you know, other than you on bumple.
SPEAKER_04Well, I appreciate that, but we'll I wanna I want to talk about it though. And because it's it was it wasn't like a it was a successful story. I mean, it was somebody that was a friend and you enjoyed their company, I think, you know, talking to them so. Well, you know what?
SPEAKER_01Okay Cupid. I mean I met you you're talking about the girl in uh South Africa.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Uh we met on OKCupid. Um that was actually pretty early into I I didn't date prior to getting into online dating. Right. And that was uh when I was I don't know, 31.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_01Um so I had a pretty late start in life getting going with the dating game. But uh, but yeah, no, she was uh one of the earlier people that I met. Um and we just ended up being friends um and chatted for years.
SPEAKER_04How do you connect from like OKCubid? She was just why why was she in South Africa and then you you can connect with people that live in other people? Okay, I don't know that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, they have people from everywhere on OKQ.
SPEAKER_04I said, I don't care about that uh bitch anymore. I don't know. I remember that she reached out to you while we were dating, um, possibly like just to check in and whatever you told me about it, but I wasn't I wasn't threatened by this beautiful goddess from um South Africa, but um I my husband is very uh lovable, so I I don't doubt that there's um people that want to talk to him and love him, but he's happily married now, so haha. Uh next one is oh it's called Plenty of Fish, but it actually means do you want to bang? Uh and if you don't go to another site because Plenty of Fish is like anybody that's experienced with Plenty of Fish is an absolute hookup site.
SPEAKER_01You know, it's interesting though, it it is kind of a profile site. Like you actually build, it's not just swipe. No, it is and so I'm surprised, but it is more kind of hookup y and and and I didn't have much success on there. I did actually meet I I probably had a couple dates or something. I wonder if they but not many, you know.
SPEAKER_04It I don't have the stats on this, but I wonder if they did uh some stats on the the overall. Trying to think about like what the overall demographics are for each of these websites. Although I use a lot of them, you used all of them. I think that there's like certain demographics for certain dating sites. Like I always found plenty of fish to be somewhat trashier. I don't know why I think that, but like I just remember it being quite uh but maybe it's because I'm just from a trashy place. Um because of Franklin County, I just feel like maybe I just got Franklin County people. You know what I mean? Um however I feel like it was kind of a requirement to not have all your teeth. Um the next one was um Coffee Meets Bagel, which uh I never did then.
SPEAKER_01Uh as far as success rate, I mean I don't know that I had a ton of dates from it, but uh I liked it.
SPEAKER_04It was uh So this was like legit, you just meet up to chat, right? It's like you're not it wasn't a hookup site, it wasn't it an actual like you just made it up.
SPEAKER_01It was definitely geared more to being serious, you know, to people who have a bagel.
SPEAKER_04Um but it says it's like the grabbing coffee version of dating apps, aiming to bring an easygoing atmosphere to folks who might just be a little rusty.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's interesting.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, I know I never did it, but um anyway, you didn't you didn't have any you didn't have any dates from that one?
SPEAKER_01I don't remember. I may have had one or something, you know. I don't remember getting it. It was uh at least when I was on it, it was still uh it may be bigger now. It it wasn't like I didn't feel there was as much traffic, you know, like there was more traffic on something like Bumble, which was very popular. I assume still is. I don't know, I don't know these things, but uh yeah, I I I enjoyed it though. I thought it was uh geared at the right, like if you're looking for a relationship, you know, you're it wasn't a hookup site, is I guess what I mean, which I respected.
SPEAKER_04Oh, okay. So I the next one, uh elite singles.
SPEAKER_00Never heard of it.
SPEAKER_04Uh now I guess this is like they say that uh Sounds paid. Yeah, 85 I don't know about that, but it just says 85% of their users are I'm assuming wealthy. So maybe like status.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, there are uh ones that are like for dating wealthy people, right?
SPEAKER_04I did one, like I told you, different. Uh it's called Franklin County. And uh you had to make uh it was a requirement to be uh, you know, possibly on some sort of uh state assistance, I think is what the requirements a little bit different than elite. Uh I'm skipping over a few that I, of course, had never heard of, but that aren't really important. Um okay, so interesting enough, I Christian Mingle. I did this one for a little bit of time because I thought, you know what? You know what I need in my life? A little Jesus. You know, I was thinking that like I needed to get on this Christian Mingle site because anybody who was on here was gonna be faith-based, right? And they're gonna have a strong foundation. That's truly what I thought going into it. Because who wouldn't think that Christian Mingle would mean people who have some faith-based, strong some values, some values, some strong moral values and stuff. Oh man, I couldn't have been further from the truth. Not to I I not that I wouldn't love for Christian Mingle to, you know, sponsor me, but I probably had some of the worst experiences on Christian Mingle. It was opposite of what I thought it was going to be. Um did you ever go on there? No, it's okay. Did you ever do Christian Mingle?
SPEAKER_01Um No, I never did that one. Okay. Uh I I did uh oh, what was it called? Uh Mutual. It was a uh it's uh LDS uh dating app.
SPEAKER_04Oh, I didn't know they had that.
SPEAKER_01Okay, and uh so I I actually had good success on that. I liked it. Um but you know it's specific for religion-wise. Yes, oh very specific.
SPEAKER_04I mean that's interesting. I wonder if we should create a profile just to see what happens on that one. Um that would be an interesting one to be on. Um, the other one, uh let me just skip around because again, some of these I just have never heard of before. Oh, skip down to um there's just so many crazy sites. I mean, like of course, that one that Ashley Madison one, which was like you know, well known for um what's his name? Duggar, Joshua Duggar, you know, he did the whole paying women to have sex with them, right? Wasn't that on Ashley Madison?
SPEAKER_01Don't you pay women to it is it a paid thing? I didn't know that. I knew it was about finding affairs, like it's like specifically for people who are not.
SPEAKER_04Oh, yeah, oh he maybe he just was separately paying like hookers and stuff, but like okay. But yes, it's specific for people who are married. Um, listen, married people are all over um all the other sites, so it doesn't really matter. But um the the last one I want to talk about actually, because there's we kind of covered the main ones, people that a lot of people talk about, or a lot of people do, and we didn't cover, I mean, match, but we talked about match. Um, it's you know, it's a paid site. I I didn't, like I said, maybe I tried it, but I did like a free 30-day thing. But then you couldn't see any of your messages if you didn't pay. So every once in a while I get a message, but I was like, I don't really want to pay to see it. It wasn't worth it.
SPEAKER_01Um how good is this message gonna be?
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And then I might like because I know what the messages look like on my other. Oh, yeah. I don't really want to see it waste. Do I want to pay for this?
SPEAKER_04Do you want to pay $30 to see someone ask me how big my tits are? Probably not. Um, so I I didn't I didn't ever pay the $30 to do that. So I just like I'll read them for free here. And uh however, the one that's kind of last on my list here to talk about is Facebook dating. I have a friend of mine who's had success with Facebook dating, currently dating someone that they're um she's very happy with. Uh I got on Facebook dating, but Facebook dating is very limited, of course, to your area. And then people were popping up that I knew, and I was like, you're married. So I was seeing kind of weird things pop up. I didn't laugh, it didn't last long for me on there. Um, however, I met this, it might have been actually through Facebook dating. It was, it was. I met this guy one time. Uh, and jump in, babe, if you have a story, because you didn't really talk about your um your successful people you met. Uh however, I met this, this was not a success story. Uh, so I met this guy who worked on um those like shipping container boats, you know, that uh they come in to uh St. Louis sometimes and stop and then um they take like trips to Illinois and anyway, they're on a boat. It was a barge or whatever, you know.
SPEAKER_01And sounds like a short trip from Missouri to Illinois on a boat.
SPEAKER_04No, it's like you know, it's a barge. They take their supplies. I don't know they do. Um and he happened to be in the area, which is why he popped up in my thing. Well, anyway, it was truly just chatting. Him and I were just chatting. However, we started like FaceTiming and what I thought kind of heading it off. Although he was in the kind of a messy situation, he had a he had a child. Uh, however, it was kind of they were in the like kind of a custody battle, yet he was like sending money, and um uh I it was it was again, it was maybe a few weeks of chatting, you know, back and forth, uh doing some FaceTime chats and stuff. And um it at one point in time he was like st asking for if like he needed money for his phone bill. And I was like, oh this is just getting kind of strange. You know what I mean? He's like, I get paid, I'll pay you back. And uh I remember thinking like, oh man, this is kind of and then anyway, he ended up like, no, he had his friends like no, I don't wanna so then I I was like, oh maybe it wasn't a red flag, maybe it was fine. So somebody else helped him out. But then he it things got a little strange um because he was like wanting to meet up because it was like his boat, his barge, his barge was coming in, I don't know, was coming in and he was gonna be in St. Louis for a couple nights, and he's like, Let's meet up. I you know, like I have a hotel room, and I'm like, I don't know, I didn't really like feel super, super um safe with this guy. I just didn't really although we chatted and stuff, I didn't like get all these like warm and fuzzies. I was just kind of like, you know. Although, again, I thought he was a very nice guy. No, I didn't I didn't like have a huge like where I'm like he's I was it was worrisome, I just didn't want to stay with him. And I was like, yeah, I'm just not really ready for that. And um he ended up losing his mind um over text messages and then trying to call me. Uh because he would, I I truly, although I deleted it, I wish I had it because the if you were to hear these messages that this this man sent me, this boy, uh where he was just like going off about uh essentially like how awful I was because I wouldn't meet up with him, right? And he kept going and going, and he said, if you you would you'd have to see it to believe it. But I remember the time I was sharing this with a friend of mine because I couldn't believe what was happening. And um his last text to me was um, this is not made up. He said you should have been swallowed by your mom. And at first I was like, I don't get this, and then of course, like of course I dug a little bit deeper into um a dirtier part of my mind and figured it out. And then I was like, Whoa, this took a turn. This is very strange.
SPEAKER_01And that's so weird, and I I feel like I've heard stories of that nature before. Uh and when I where where people just like flip a switch, and it's like if the if you turn them down, they just attack.
SPEAKER_04I'm not lying when I'm saying this. He sent it, and 10 minutes later, he sent a message. I just really love and care about you. We should meet up. That is not if I'm lying, I'm dying. You know what I mean? I swear, I and everything I have, the exact time frame of There really are just a lot of just would have been absolutely and I sent the screenshots to my friend at the time. I was just sending, like, you would not believe this guy's crazy. He called me, I mean, for weeks, I feel like continued to call me to try to like um justify his actions. Like he was just stressed. And um like, listen, I spent 13 years, I needed I needed to start seeing some red flags, you know, sooner. So I was like, oh yeah, this isn't happening. Um, but it was it was quite that one was quite interesting. And then I had um, you know, some different kind of lifestyle things where, you know, I, you know, met up with people um, you know, at the time, of course my life life was very different, but uh had some, you know, just kind of hookups and uh maybe just some, you know, some dates I could go out and just like hang out with people. I met some, you know, I did meet some nice people. I had some dates that were nice and people that I still like, you know, still I'm not talking to anybody now, babe. I mean like that I talked to for a bit even afterwards that I was just like it wasn't like relationship material, but they were nice people. And so I didn't, it wasn't all awful, which is my husband's story too. Like it wasn't there were a few people here and there that were nice people, uh, that we had a nice time together, and we just weren't clicking on the um and I I do remember this. I I don't know if it maybe Mike and I talked about this, but I did meet this guy one time, and he was a very nice guy. Very, a very nice guy. And it was kind of it was actually probably my first normal sort of dating experience while since being home and like dating apps because I had some weird things happen, but it was sort of normal. We went out, um, had some drinks, hung out, had dinner, and um anyway, we ended up going dancing, and I remember him saying to me that and he we we both kind of knew that this was just kind of like a friendship situation, uh, because we both really weren't looking for anything uh long term. However, I do remember him saying uh that he was like, you know, you deserve someone who's gonna dance with you um, you know, in the kitchen and who's gonna, and I I think about that still because it's like that's what my husband and I do a lot. Obviously he's right here, but uh Mike and I do a lot. And I think like he was so right. I absolutely deserved that. And he was again, he was very he was very lovely, and it was exactly what I needed to hear, and he knew that, and so um again, he wasn't any sort of there are definitely plenty of people you meet along the way that are, you know, they're not the right one, but they're an important stepping stone in your life, yeah. They were they were a pathway to my husband now, and and so uh I did I did want to take about, I mean, my husband had again, he had a few successful, you know, uh relationships with people that he met online, uh just didn't work out for different reasons, you know. Uh they were all in different places. Mike was in different place and uh, you know, and just didn't work out. Um, but it doesn't mean that we, like I said, we both didn't share some sort of successful, you know, we didn't have successful dates. We did have some dates that were, you know, very normal and that led to other dates, and uh, but it wasn't until we met on Bumble and again I had oh a totally separate thing too, is I I met this um this is actually right before I met Mike because I had deleted everything. This is what led me to delete everything, is that and Mike knows this story too. I met this guy who was a pathological liar, although, like, I mean, if you don't know, if you've ever met a pathological liar, legit, this guy was a pathological liar. And so we're like, you think anyway. So the first thing right off the bat, I I meet the he he reach out, we start chatting, and we have this really long phone call. This guy's great, tells me his name. Um, you know, obviously we're going through this thing. Well, we were we were going to meet up that next day for dinner, and I just thought, you know what, I'm gonna I'm gonna Google his name, right? I Google this guy's name, and the first thing that shows up is a um like a statutory rape case. Oh my right, and so I'm like, uh, so I freak out, although it's not his picture, right? It's like it shows this guy's picture, and I'm like, what's happening, right?
SPEAKER_01Common name or something.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, so I'm like, uh anyway, so I send him and he's like, listen, I send him this. I'm like, hey, I I just need to know this, because I'm like, we actually had a really nice conversation. This is where this is where I struggle to kind of learn, you know, what I deserve and what's good enough, and kind of recognizing like this is clearly a red flag, right? But no, I just uh was waving pretty fiercely and I uh still just couldn't see it. And I I message him and he's like, Oh listen, you're not gonna believe this, but I I just gave you that name because I'm going through a divorce right now, and my uh soon-to-be ex-wife is or sorry, they were divorced already. But my ex-wife, her dad, is a sheriff, and he has been trying to trick me into I'm not this story, you would not believe this story, that he was like trying to he thought that his uh ex-father-in-law was trying to basically like that I was his ex-father. Like I his ex-father-in-law paid me to set him up so that he could like use it in court against him that he was, you know, trying to see other people. I don't know. I don't know what he was thinking. And I was like, well, you know, maybe. I mean, if you were in my head, you'd be like, Charlotte, how stupid are you? But I was like, you know what? You know what, maybe, maybe this guy, because he was like legit, very like concerned about it. He was like, This guy, he's had me pulled over before. Um, the shirt, this, this ex, and he's like trying to get me into, you know, into trouble because of what I, you know, because I'm no longer with his daughter. And his story was, um, so then I said, listen, okay, I'm not gonna meet up, but like, I'm not not gonna talk to you. I was just like, I'll give it a little bit of time. And so we chat a little bit more, and his then the other part of the story is his ex-wife. Um, they have a daughter together, and he told me that already. I knew he had a daughter, and we um, so I decided I'm gonna search. Once I know now, I now know his real name, I search his ex-wife's name on Facebook. I find her, except in her photo. She has, of course, a daughter, which is what he told me um they had together, and then an infant, like a three-month-old infant. And I say to him, Hey, searched your wife, uh, ex-wife on Facebook, and she has a three-month-old, uh, what looks like a three-month-old, and clearly you lied to me because you told me you had one uh child together. He says, Listen, I just didn't want to say this because it was a lot for me. Um, but I was with my wife, she was pregnant, she had the baby, found out that the baby, she actually had an affair. The baby is not mine. And I'm like, oh he's like, that's what led to our uh divorce, right? And I was like, oh my gosh, that's you know, that's horrible. I'm sorry to hear that. And I'm like, have you gotten a you know paternity test? And he's like, no, I just I because he he said he was like paying for the anyway. Sorry, this is quite the lengthy story. Either way, he every single thing that you could possibly imagine someone lying about, he lied about. Um, however, I bought it all, right? I was just like, you know what? He's just had a really I try, I tend to see um I tend to see the good in people, and then I also tend to feel sorry for people. And so I was like, you know, I just feel so sorry for him. Like he's really rough go of it, and oh this poor guy, like his wife, you know, cheated on him. You know, I'd been cheated on, so I was just like, really, it it it I felt like, you know what, I feel really bad. I should give him a chance, you know. He said he would he volunteered at the library and read to kids, like I mean the things he said, and uh it turns out actually that uh it was actually both of the children were his and uh he had uh apparently driven his uh family into deep, deep debt, and uh he actually had been reaching out to uh what I guess was uh paid trying to pay people to sleep with him, uh apparently. And uh this is all I found out from his um his wife because he was also still married. So it was a very very strange situation and also very like it was really hard for whatever reason, very emotionally draining for me because it wasn't a short I say short time, I mean maybe two months that him and I talked and every single step of the way was a lie. At one point he um was saying he was gonna move out here and he was gonna buy us a house. I mean, like this the the stuff that he the extent of like we went and looked at a house. Um he actually was like I say he was putting an offer on a house, he put an offer, put money down, um, come to find out he ended up like the checks he wrote bounced. Like the the lady who showed us the house ended up calling me and saying, like, are you you talking to him? Like all his checks bounced. It was just a very, very weird. But also, I think it was a moment for me of uh recognizing it was very, very uh emotionally just tough because I just I felt so incredibly stupid. And that was just the culmination of a lot of things of feeling very stupid. Like, how did I not see all of that? And if you're someone who is doing online dating or has been been in the dating world for a while, you know what I'm talking about, right? Where you're like, you know what, I'm gonna see these red flags. I'm gonna like totally um every time I see one, I'm gonna stop it, and I'm gonna uh I'm gonna like I'm gonna watch, I'm gonna see that red flag, and I'm gonna just end this. And you don't, you know, because you think like, you know what, you start just seeing, maybe I just should have listened I saw a red flag in my ex-husband within a week of dating. If I would have paid attention to that red flag, um I wouldn't I wouldn't I clearly obviously wouldn't be here today, but um I wouldn't have spent uh a really rough, you know, uh 13 years. And I think I also wouldn't have my children. I mean, I I know everybody talks about that too, but pay attention to those. Red flags. Um, and don't settle for anything less than you deserve because there is a mic waiting for you in in your future.
SPEAKER_01I was about to chime in and say that's good advice, and that it sounded I I realized like if I chime in now, it's gonna sound really arrogant. There's a mic for you. I think that but look out for the red flags if you deserve it. Look out for the red flags.
SPEAKER_04You definitely deserve someone. I think we all have things that are like struggles, right? Things that we but I mean, legitimate red flags are like, you know, those big things, you know, lying dishonesty is a huge one.
SPEAKER_01Um, you know, there's a difference. I'm sorry to interrupt, but I mean there is a difference between a red flag and you know something that's just everyone has I don't know what to say, issues, you know. Uh yeah uh things that maybe for some people they are red flags and you can't get past, you know, and then for other people it's you know, I mean you just you gotta give I I think it's important to give people a chance. For sure. But not on some things.
SPEAKER_04And so I and I think that yeah, you shouldn't I should have known uh that it gave me some focus. I the thing is I want to see the good in people, so I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but the reality is there is there should be no reason why someone is lying to you about their name, no matter what the outcome is, right? Um and there shouldn't be any reason why someone is telling you they only have one child and they have two all those things are red flags.
SPEAKER_01Honesty is a huge one, I guess.
SPEAKER_04And um, and it it's it's clearly a red flag when you have someone who um, you know, again, is continuously changing their story. And I would say anyone that loses their temper, I get that this might not be something that you you see or have come across um ever in your experience, but in any any time that I have seen someone very early on lose their temper, and I actually I saw that in my ex-husband very early on that he lost his temper, and I made it okay because he apologized and it was like no big deal and um it would never happen again. Oh, it happened again. Uh, and I think that we all have moments where of course we but they should not be happening within the first uh six months of your relationship.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think that's the key point there is if it's that early in and stuff like that is happening, it's like something's going down, it's not gonna work out.
SPEAKER_04Something's not not working, and it's not like you know, you I mean, you all know if you're married or dating too. I mean, like Mike and I being married, you have moments where you aren't your best self, but the reality is you shouldn't be a month in and be um and have someone losing their temper. And actually, I'm not even just saying about losing their temper on you. I watched uh this pathological liar that I was talking about before. Um, I watched him lose his temper in the car, like road rage, and I should have right then been like, I'm going home, right? Because that was enough to be like, I don't need to be with anybody who's losing their mind in the car, you know what I mean? Um, and it was just it should have been enough for me to be like, I'm walking away from it, but it wasn't. Um I I think though that all of those kind of I met lots of nice people and I met some really, you know, crappy people. And I also have situations where I just all that happened was I got an intro text um from someone. And so I before I I segue into that, uh, because I I'm gonna kind of wrap it up with this, but I have skimmed over some of these intro texts in. Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_01Um some of them are pretty bad.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, but before you before you read them, and I I we're kind of gonna go back and forth. My husband and I are gonna take turns because I uh I'm assuming that some may be hard for him to read, and um I don't I personally um some of them when I was kind of right typing this in this uh kind of script out or outline for Mike to look at, they were hard for me to type. Um, because I was just kind of re you know, it's just remembering this that process and that time frame when I was very um already very beaten and broken down. And then I thought by going on online dating it would um, you know, maybe it would just make me feel better. Um, it actually made me feel quite a bit worse. And it wasn't until that I started working on myself that I started to um I mean that led me to Mike. I mean, uh I had to be ready and um accepting of of someone that was different than what I thought I wanted. And the reality was it's actually just like it was different. All the things that I wanted were all the toxic things that I that were actually just bringing me down in my life. And so I was drawn to that because it kept me distracted from the reality of how really dark and um unhappy I was, and so it kept me distracted. I would go out and meet up with people and it just distracted me from the reality that anytime it was over the next night, that night, the next day. I remember I would just spend like, you know, I I would just cry for a period of time until like the next time I was swiped and I got a message, and I became very much like what social media does, right? It's a similar kind of response where it can very quickly bring you up and just as quick smash you down, you know, and that's what it was. That's what swiping dating was doing, which it was like, oh, you'd feel really good and then you'd feel really bad. Um however, it I was just kind of pulling up a few st statistics here, and it just said three in ten Americans have used a dating site. That's a lot. That's it. Um three in ten? You think that's a little bit?
SPEAKER_01I guess that is for 2022, too. I mean not to be like an active but like have used.
SPEAKER_04This wasn't 2022, this was 2019.
SPEAKER_01And I maybe maybe it's higher now because of pandemic and stuff, but well, I mean, I guess if you think about it though, there are plenty of people who are married and older and not in or are younger and not into dating boys. You know, so I mean I I guess there's yeah, a smaller.
SPEAKER_04However, it says 12% of people have married or been in a committed relationship with someone they met through online dating. Uh and it says that uh I said the 12%, but it said that uh 23% uh have gone on a date with someone from a dating a dating app, and then uh again, 12% have been in a committed relationship or been married. Um I was trying to find kind of like the most successful uh dating sites, but uh and what when I when I pulled it up, I was just kind of like looking through uh typically the highest one was um four percent of American marriages begin with e-harmony match. So uh someone finds love every 14 minutes on average with e-harmony. Well, I don't yes, finds love. How do you value you know, how do you like measure that? But it does say 4% of people um of American marriages start with e-harmony. So um either way, that's really interesting.
SPEAKER_01I I I wouldn't necessarily guess that.
SPEAKER_04I think that the um before we go into these intros that I've experienced, before that, I think online dating is truly you get out of it what you put into it, um, and you get out of it what you expect from it, right? So if you go in expecting to um, you know, have a hookup, I mean that's that's what you're gonna do. If you go in um expecting to have like this long-term relationship, I will tell you what I mean by like, yeah, a lot of people go in with long-term relationship goals, and that doesn't happen. But I think you have to know how to get there and how you how you read what you're looking for, because I actually didn't know what I was looking for until I did, right? And so then it was when I met um, when I met Mike and Mike and I started talking, instead of red flags, it was just like all of these like target things that I felt.
SPEAKER_01She saw me in the first she was like, Is that red in his beard? I don't know.
SPEAKER_04No, your picture didn't have a beard. You were like 19 in your picture, profile picture. Um, I'm just kidding.
SPEAKER_01I did look a lot younger though when I was I was clean shaven.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, you were clean, yeah. Uh however, I think you know, I just it was have a baby face underneath this big beard.
unknownYou do.
SPEAKER_04So I I think you just have to you have to know what like what those red flags are, of course, to look for and all those things that you desire in someone, and and unfortunately, they can't be physical. You know, I mean that is not to say, and I I'm not gonna speak for Mike, but that is nothing, it's not to say at all, because I am incredibly physically attracted to my husband, but it it has to do with like when I went into anything, it was like, yeah, you swipe because you were attracted to someone. Um, but I I really it was really about like, does he have these target things, these personality traits that I love? Does he make me laugh?
SPEAKER_01But I mean, if you want to get a date, I mean you gotta build on that.
SPEAKER_04And you have to connect.
SPEAKER_01And if Mike and If you're not requiring more than that to get a date, you need to reevaluate what you're doing.
SPEAKER_04And listen, there were big things that Mike and I didn't connect with. I I mean I remember Mike asking me questions like, when's the last time you smoked a cigarette? And I was like, six months ago.
SPEAKER_01You know, these were the okay, cupid questions.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, okay, cupid questions, yeah. Um, and there were times where it was just like, do you what religion are you? I mean, big things that were different between us when we met. Um, but we had a lot of foundational things that were the same. And uh I of course we were both very um, both very funny. And uh, but they we both have we both truly have a very um you know loving nature and we both care very deeply, and I think that's a big part of what brought us together, and we both really needed each other. And I mean, I'm sorry, speaking for my husband, but now you're good at it. We both had the exact same I don't know. I I don't know how to describe it. And I when I say like that this person is out there for you, I know it's hard to see that now. I would have I swear to you, I I this just came up is um my my husband and I went to a uh this go-kart track in St. Charles. So if you haven't seen uh, of course, if we were live, my husband got the most amazing new haircut, uh beer trim. He looks so, so handsome. And uh on the as we were leaving uh Newtown where we got married, there was this uh go-kart track, and I actually we passed it. I pulled a U-banger because I'm like, you know what? I think let's see if I was like, Millie, let's see if you're tall enough to drive a go-kart. She's had a few like growth spurts, you know, that have happened. And so we go there. This go-kart um place I actually took the kids to my previous marriage. Um, so my ex-husband and I took Grace was 11, Millie was um three, uh, so we rode in like one of the dual carts, and and Grace drove herself. I have a picture actually um from that day. And I anyway, we were sitting there, standing there watching Millie drive. She was tall enough, which was so exciting for her, and she's driving this go-kart, and I was standing there just kind of taking in the moment, and I started crying, which is what I do um sometimes, and I started crying, realizing that if you would have, you know, asked me where my life was going to be, what was it, um five years earlier, six years earlier, um I would have uh stated to you that I would still be unhappily married, um just surviving every day. And here I was um standing there with my um the most amazing person in the world uh next to me and uh watching Millie do this and just thinking about how happy uh we all are since Mike has come into our lives. And I never would have thought that was gonna happen. So what I what I'm saying is like things can change in an instant uh when you least expect it. Um wait for it. You deserve it, you know, give yourself the opportunity to put yourself out there and um take chances and and possibly get hurt. And because if I didn't keep getting hurt, I would have never met Mike and I um I would have never been standing there on um at the go-kart track thinking about how amazing my life is because uh of this you know wonderful man who came into it and just absolutely changed everything about uh my entire outlook on life and um so it is the the sun rises tomorrow and a new day comes, and every time you think it's not gonna happen, um give yourself the opportunity to um to heal and to grow, focus on yourself and you need to be the best version of yourself before you can meet anyone that's gonna make you happy, truly. Um I think that we all have uh I feel like I wasn't, so throw that advice out the window. Sorry.
SPEAKER_01Um I'm a better version of myself now, I feel like.
SPEAKER_04Yes, no, I am too.
SPEAKER_01I I mean I mean I guess everyone's always progressing. No, no, no.
SPEAKER_04I am absolutely a way better version of myself now since we met. What I mean by that is um you have to be willing to to change and to improve in order to have, you know, to really have that person that you think that you um that you deserve. I I would have never I agree, yeah.
SPEAKER_01You do have to be at a in a good place.
SPEAKER_04You have to be in a good place. And I mean, and that's to say too, I I wasn't truly always I wasn't uh when we first met either, you know. I I still had things that I needed to improve on. But I think when you meet the right person, you want to, right? It's like you want to be the best version of yourself, and so um, but I think what I mean by like going into something is you have to know what it is you deserve before you can be truly um with someone, you know, who is gonna bring all that out in you. So um, although that's kind of like the a crazy kind of segue into I actually, because now we're over my time that I wanted to be at, but we'll edit some stuff out and I'll get to my time frame. Um, but I really quickly want to talk about, and I cannot remember the year it happened, but I say early 2000s. I I of course graduated high school and then not long after that, um, I it's long enough, but like so Grace was born in 2004. Right in between that time of high school and um Grace, I tried I hate admitting this. I don't know if it was like if so it was at the mall, and there's a Goldbergs episode. If anybody's a Goldberg fan, they talk about this, but it was video online dating.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_04Sorry, it wasn't even online, online dating video dating.
SPEAKER_01I have like heard of this.
SPEAKER_04Oh yeah, but so I can picture myself like I I feel like I wore maybe like some sort of sweater vest or something. And they took a video and they asked you these questions, and I don't know why I went. I really think I was walking around the mall very similarly, and they're like, here's this place, and they come take your video, and they like tell you, oh, you're guaranteed to get these dates. And anyway, I did it, and I'm not joking. I did this video thing, and then I end up getting a bill for like $2,500. Whoa. And I if I wish I wish I had this bill because I was like, I think they like took me to collections or something. Because I'm like, I never found anybody from this. I never even got because you like watch videos of people, they're like VHSs, you know what I mean? You get these VHSs. Um, I don't even know if like DVDs were starting. I don't remember when DVDs, but the point is it was it was awful, guys. It was awful. I am assuming that that they stopped coming after me. So I'm assuming that business has long been gone. Um, but we've come a long way since video dating, uh BHS dating. And some of the guys that were on there were so funny. Um, but if you've ever watched like clips, people they're they're online, they're they're quite funny to watch. But yeah, so I that was a very different experience though. So you didn't, of course, you didn't get people that were like talking absolutely like um obscenities to you. They were like really nice, like really professional men, you know, who could afford $2,500. I wasn't even told how much it was gonna be.
SPEAKER_01It was well, and in that situation, I mean, like you're going to put on your best face. Yes, they clearly knew online dating is like everyone's just like uh everyone's looking for a hookup, right?
SPEAKER_04Let's uh They clearly knew I was desperate though, because they were like, this girl's gonna pay anything. Um I don't even know why I was anyway. Um, but that leads into I want to talk about um these intro messages. I actually went on to this Reddit website um it when I was going through some of these online dating messages just to find out kind of what other people were experiencing. Turns out I was not alone. So if you've done online dating, you probably can agree, you can you absolutely could probably say that you've gotten these same messages before. And so these are all of these messages were very much from um swipe dating. Uh, you know, the sorry, the very much like swipe right, swipe left, and then would get a message. And these were when the men could reach out first, you know. So I'd get a message pop up, and and so here's some of them. Um so so a lot of the a lot of ones are very much it's it and I what I the thing is, some of these aren't even like bad questions, you know, like this first one.
SPEAKER_01How big are they? Um I mean, it's about when you ask, you know, like I mean I definitely asked that, but it was you know, after the first date.
SPEAKER_04It was later. Yeah, no, it was later. Um, it's a very real question, right? Um so um they are 40 double D if you're asking. Um but uh so yes, that was so that was just like that was the intro question was how big are they? Um so next one I got was uh hey mommy, need a daddy. I'm not sure um what that was about. It's uh I don't know.
SPEAKER_01Um it's confusing.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. Uh go ahead, babe.
SPEAKER_01Um, that's really mean.
SPEAKER_04So my so my husband is like reading over um ones and then of course like not liking them because they're mean. But um, this guy said, uh, can I see a full body picture? You look like you may carry more pounds than I like. Um this these particular messages, what led me to this Reddit page about um was actually very much geared towards like let's just say like bigger women um who get messages from men on these online dating platforms. And so many are uh listen, it it's not the same men. It's very much across the board. Like this is just very common for women who um, you know, who are bigger, and these are the kinds of messages um you get. So um this next one, this is a good one, babe. This is a funny one for you to read.
SPEAKER_01Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_04Oh, no, no, no, not that one, sorry. Oh, the next one is just like it's just the person just texted. No, I'm just letting you know why this is so strange. Is these are just intro messages. These are messages that people are sending me for me to message them back.
SPEAKER_00They don't know you yet.
SPEAKER_04Yeah. I don't know them at all. They're not like saying, hey girl, this guy said, holy hell, what size are they? Okay. Um, go ahead.
SPEAKER_01I love that you that this is an important one for me to read. I don't know, just fucking movie. Are you lactating? Sends me a and then it says sends me a link, discusses how to force lactation.
SPEAKER_04No joke.
SPEAKER_01There was a link, uh like a I could like Dwight, like I could drain you in three books.
SPEAKER_04No, that's fine. Um, legit a link to sh like show me how to force lactation. Like on my I was really weird. It's very weird. I I read it though, don't get me wrong.
SPEAKER_01It's like not gonna talk to you, but thank you for the link. This is interesting.
SPEAKER_04So, all these people that sent me these messages, just so you know, although I uh am very weak and have things that I struggled with during this time, I I did not respond to any of these people. Um, so another one, the next one is your smile is so beautiful, but those tits I don't care about much else.
SPEAKER_00I mean, let's be honest, that's actually a nice message.
SPEAKER_04Really sweet.
SPEAKER_00I would be touched if I were receiving.
SPEAKER_04I was very I was very touched by that. Um, and then of course the next one, I love me, a BBW. You know, I I I actually got many of those. Um go ahead.
SPEAKER_00This is just sad. Do you care if I'm married?
SPEAKER_04If you've ever been an online dating, legit, this happens all the time. Uh, where people are very much married with children. That was a good show. Um uh anyway, and uh are on these sites, which is awful. Um, next one.
SPEAKER_01Want to be a stepmom.
SPEAKER_04Uh, I don't know. Uh I did not really. So um, do you do anal? That was uh that's these are intro messages we've never met before, and this is the first thing they say to me.
SPEAKER_01You just gotta weed out the people that don't, you know.
SPEAKER_04Next one. Yeah. I just caught that. You do. You gotta weed it out.
SPEAKER_01Um before this gets serious.
SPEAKER_00I know. Um would you tell my wife? Question mark.
SPEAKER_04Yes, I would. Are you okay with keeping this quiet? Another, of course. Yeah, white. Sounds like probably a yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00My wife, that's weird. My wife knows and wants a picture of us together. Interested?
SPEAKER_04Uh no, I was not. Uh next one. I don't usually date bigger women, but I'd F you if you're interested. Uh no, thank you. Next.
SPEAKER_01Do you need to be punished?
SPEAKER_04I didn't do anything, but I don't know. Um this one. Uh this one was my favorite. Um, because it actually, so I said I didn't respond to anybody, but I'll read the there's a little exchange.
SPEAKER_01I'll read the hymn. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah. You do you.
SPEAKER_04Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um let me see a picture of those. I promise I won't show anyone.
SPEAKER_04No thanks.
SPEAKER_01That's fine. I thought you oh I didn't read it. You said you wanted to read it. You didn't read ahead. It's fine. I'm sorry. It's fine. I thought you were too fat anyway.
SPEAKER_04So a very common uh thing that would happen in situations where I didn't give the person what they wanted, right? It was always some sort of insult on my body. Um, because that's just what people do, right? So there's nothing wrong with me um besides the fact that I'm fat.
SPEAKER_01So the the reality is like Well, and the weird thing too is like they they flip this switch where it's like they come on you and talk about how great you are or something, and then like flip a switch and you're fat, you're ugly, you're whatever. You know what I mean? Like I was never interested anyway. Like uh okay. You clearly were. Um and I I I experienced it sounds like not as much as you did, because I mean you have a lot of really bad I think men are worse online with this stuff than women, but I did experience um a little of it myself where like things went to where I wasn't interested anymore, you know what I mean? And I was very politely saying, you know, I'm not interested. And and they would be like, oh, you're fat, or you know what I mean? Like, I mean it, and the thing is, like it, even if you're not interested in the person, like it feels bad. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_04And so there's um there is a again, I I don't actually know where this was, and I'd probably have to dig around to find it, but they did kind of a social experiment um where they had I've told Mike this story, but they had this woman um come into this, you know, come into this room, she sat down, and uh she they actually called in um ten different men who had made comments about her um and had them sit in front of her and read the messages they typed to her. And it was like the most emo I've I I mean like I'm of course I'm an emotional person, but I cried so much watching this uh just to show people the power of their words to someone online and what it does to them. And when these men would come and sit, they had to sit in front of this woman and they had to read these these texts or these they they weren't text, they were of course comments on like a video or a picture or something, and they had to read them to her face, and most of the men were either crying or saying, I can't do this. And they're like, What makes you think that it's okay to type this in a message or a comment on a video, but you can't tell it to someone's face? That's the problem, right? Is that we're hidden behind uh a screen, a keyboard of just typing whatever you think is right to someone and not thinking that it has consequences. It does for that person. Why just don't say anything? If your feelings are hurt or you somehow think that you didn't get what you need, just shut your mouth. There's no reason to pull someone down, um, whatever sort of, you know, whatever you're feeling to pull someone into that is just absolutely awful. There are women, men, children, uh, teenagers who are being hurt by people who truly just hide behind something to make themselves feel better. And it makes no sense to me, um, especially someone, you know, like myself who has dealt with depression for a long time, uh, that there are certain certain times that words like that could send someone over the edge. And um, and and many times it did. And I didn't even know who these people were, but somehow that affected me and broke me to the point of where I was like, I can't do this anymore, you know? And so I know that of course nobody that's listening to me is somebody that does this, but like if you if you do or you're raising children in this very much online dating world or just online world, social media, all that stuff, is raising our um our children to to know that their words have you know hold value and um affect people. And that goes for text, um, commenting on videos, anything that if you don't like something, just don't comment on it. Um, there is no reason why we have to drive and and force anybody to feel less than because we don't like something. Sorry.
SPEAKER_01Oh no, you're fine. I mean, I just agree with everything you said. I uh yeah, I I feel like with online dating, um it's depressing anyway. You know, like there's just a lot of even polite rejection, right? You know what I mean? It's it's a lot of putting yourself out there and getting rejected. Um or maybe not. Maybe for some people it it that's not their experience. For me it was.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Um and and there was a lot of success too. I'm not making small of that, but you go through a lot of people being not nice and or people being nice and but it still sucks. And then so I mean so when someone is going out of their way to make you feel bad, I mean it's already a hard situation in online dating. Um why put someone down, you know?
SPEAKER_04It is so I but I I think why put someone down anyway. Yeah. Um, I think there's a lot of really insecure people, men, women, everybody that's out there, um that that it's somehow, you know, when they're when they feel challenged in their um masculinity or um whatever it is that's a challenge for them, they feel like they need to come back and insult someone. And it's just like there are lots of times where actually I don't specifically stand up for myself or something happens because there is reliably someone who the comment is always, but like you're fat. Like it, there's some sort of hurtful comment. So it's like, okay, so if I wasn't fat, what would you have to say about me? You know what I mean? Because like there are uh what I feel like right now, there are a hundred things on my on my side of of what makes me amazing. And the one thing that you find that is somewhat of like devalues me, um, which is my weight, I mean, which is whatever. No, well, it is what what you would think. I mean, is what anybody has to hurt somebody with, you know. Um, I have never, I've never will ever will I ever um put someone down to benefit myself. You know, just it doesn't it doesn't benefit me at all. Um, we should be building each other up uh as um as humans, we should be building each other up and we should be being kind because there's no other way for us to be besides loving and accepting of all of other people. And um I just again it goes back to being grateful when life is too short that um don't waste your time with people that don't value you and don't find your worth and um all the things that you're good about it. And truly we can kind of like you know sum things up. I uh the these messages continue. Um, but a lot of course it was just like asking people me asking if people are people asking me if I ever work out. Um and somebody said, Hey, try the gym instead of online dating. Um wow, no wonder you are divorced.
SPEAKER_01Uh and I think Was that in response to something, or was that the intro message?
SPEAKER_04This intro message because I um my description, you know, in my picture is like, you know, divorced, mother of two, you know. Um weird. And you know, uh again, it because I'm fat, I don't I don't know, you know, uh because it would be the only thing that you could uh come up with with never even talking to me. But uh the point is, yes, I am divorced, and uh one of the hardest things I've ever gone through. And I think that um, yeah, there is uh online dating led me to my husband. However, online dating can be very, very difficult, and you have to be ready for for a bit of heartache and um possibly some challenges in order to to find someone. Um, and you know what? Maybe you're lucky enough to just run into somebody at a um coffee shop or run into somebody at the library or out and about it. It is how people used to do it, and they say it's more of a um, you know, I think that, you know, but again, we talked about this in our first episode. Mike and I would have never met if that would have been the case. So online dating opened up the opportunity for Mike and I to meet. It created a platform for many people to meet and find love. And um, but we found love and now have to continue to work on that love. And um, it doesn't just come like, oh, it's just like this is perfect, this is everything's great. We still have to work um on everything that comes our way. And if you're truly committed to that and but and are willing to work on it, I think that that's what the what makes a difference. And and Mike and I just met exactly when we needed to meet, and we were um ready for it, and we both needed each other. Um, because what Mike says is he's a uh he's absolutely um grown so much, I've grown so much, and we've grown so much together because of the love we have for each other. So Mike brings out the best in me, I bring out the best in Mike, and that's who you need to be with. Someone who brings out the best in you that you deserve and nothing less than that. And so um, I don't I I feel like I wanted to end with something with this, you know, online dating, but I I guess that's kind of what I wanted to sum it up with that um there's a lot out there, there are a lot of options, and um, but just you know, really do your uh due diligence of asking the right questions and getting finding those questions. Like I said, I I loved the questions, and Mike and I talked for hours, and we really just but find those questions that you want answers to. Does that mean that people aren't gonna be dishonest? Sure. I I'm sure people are. Um, but I think those are things that you pick up on and you'll know the dishonesty or you know.
SPEAKER_01I think sometimes people don't even mean to be dishonest. I think they're lying to themselves a bit, where like they know what you want to hear and they and they want to be that, but they're not.
SPEAKER_04Right. Absolutely. So I think you so sorry. But I think uh yes, online dating can absolutely be a success story because we are living proof of that. Um, but I was ending all of my online data I was ending all online dating um right as I met Mike. And this is always what we say that like, you know, his grandma had a hand in us meeting. Um somebody was working their magic for us for sure, because we should have never met. And we did, and I'm so incredibly grateful for that. And so, yes, the horrors, the horrors Avoid the horrors of online dating. The WHs.
SPEAKER_01And don't put up with the horrors.
SPEAKER_04If that was perfect, actually. That's a great, that's a great segue to end the conversation. Just remember, be with the person who brings out the best in you. Um, and maybe that's you know, maybe you're not ready for that right now, and that's also okay. Um, focus on yourself, work on those things that are a struggle for you, seek out counseling if you need it. Uh, know that you deserve the absolute best. Your kids deserve the best. If you're someone who's going through a divorce and you have children in the mix, and know that they that they want to see you happy. Um, that was always really, really hard for me to recognize as just like they actually do want to see you happy. Um, so and that doesn't mean you have to be with someone, just to to fill that void. Um it's that they want you to focus on you and to be happy so you can be the best um for them. And once that occurs, I feel like that you'll you'll attract someone that is the best for you. And uh keep that keep that focus. Look out for those red flags. Uh please don't ignore them. Make yourself a list of things that you really love, that you're really not just love about yourself, but things you're looking for in a person and they can't be physical, right? So write down those traits that you really value in someone. And I feel like if you have those kind of guidelines of the these are the things I value, and that's what you're looking for, I feel like you're able to weed people out a little bit easier uh than just basing it on physical traits of someone. Um, but remember stay positive, stay focused on being grateful, being kind to others, and remembering that we are all battling something different every day, um, stuff that we may not know about each other. So be kind, be forgiving, make a difference.
SPEAKER_03Alright, everyone. Thank you for listening to another episode of Just Winging It with Charlotte. Just remember to continue to be kind, loving, and giving to those around you. Mother Teresa said it best when she said, I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples. Until next time, be the best version of yourself and love one another without judgment. Thanks so much.