SPECIAL EPISODE: Uncle Tommy

We all experience the death of a loved one at some point in our lives.  But how can it impact us when it occurs during adolescence?   In this special release, Jeremy Allik (COMM '25) sits down with his mother, Marjorie Raskin to discuss the death of her brother Tommy, on November 30, 1977.  Marjorie was 13 years old when her 16-year-old brother -- Jeremy's Uncle Tommy -- died.

Marjorie talks about their life growing up in Wayland, Massachusetts, fondly recalls memories of her brother, and reflects on her grieving process—which has now spanned over 45 years.  Now a social worker, Marjorie expresses her brother's death as a significant influence on her career choice.

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Episode transcript can be found here.

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Jeremy Allik produced, edited, and mixed this episode in Spring 2024 as part of the Podcasting course (COMM 2015).  A Communications Media major with a concentration in film and video production, Jeremy is a filmmaker and accomplished film editor -- with experience working in both narrative and documentary filmmaking.  

Click here to learn more about Perseverantia. Join us for programming updates on Instagram. Or reach out with ideas or suggestions at podcasts@fitchburgstate.edu.

Transcript

Tommy and his Mom, Back and forth (1966, scratchy audio tape): 

Hello?  

What’s your name?

Tommy. 

Tommy what?

Raskin. 

And how old are you?  

Five. 

Are you going to kindergarten soon?

Yeah.

Are you looking forward to it?

Yeah.

Who’s in your family with you?  [ inaudible ] 

What, what are the names of your brothers and sisters? 

Margie, Peter, Okie.  

Tommy and his Mom, Back and forth (1963, scratchy audio tape): 

How old are you? How old are you? 

Two. 

Two?  You have to say something. 

Okay. 

Hello? Can you sing a song. Sing a song. La la la la la la.

Huh? 

Go ahead, you sing a song.

[ melancholy piano theme fades in ] 

Jeremy Allik (intro):
That recording featured my uncle Tommy and my mother Marjorie in the year 1966, when they were both toddlers.  Tommy would be diagnosed with cancer about a decade later, and would end up dying at the age of 16 in the year 1977. 

Today, I interviewed my mother Marjorie, this time in the year 2024. We discussed her experience with the loss of her older brother, Tommy.

Jeremy Allik:
So Marjorie, or mom, because you are my mom, the themes of today's podcast is loss and growth.  Because I have grown up knowing that you had had a major loss in your life when you were growing up. So today we're going to talk about that and talk about how it has shaped you as a person.

Marjorie Raskin:
Sounds good.

[ melancholy piano theme fades out ] 

Jeremy Allik:
So what do you remember about your brother Tommy?

Marjorie Raskin:
So he, so Tommy, three years older than I. And we had, we have an older brother, Peter. So Peter's five years older than I am. 

And. I was the youngest, the baby, the girl. Peter and Tommy were both really athletic and spent a lot of time outside playing in our neighborhood. They were busy, busy, and I didn't really engage with them too much because they were outside playing football and playing hockey.

And when we were inside, Tommy would have been the one who would have been playing with me. So we wrestled, we played ping pong, watched TV. He was a funny kid. He had a lot of energy and, um, He was [00:03:00] also a big teaser, like he teased me a lot.

Jeremy Allik:
I've grown up knowing that he was also a very creative person.  Before he was sick, how did you and your family look at his creative endeavors?

Marjorie Raskin:
He was most creative outside of the house. He had a good friend in the neighborhood, John, Their combination, uh, I think just brought out the best of him, their friendship. They would make movies, they would, uh, make up games.

They were just constantly outside playing. So there were just things that he wanted to do a little bit different than other people. And it was nice that my parents sort of allowed, you know, they encouraged that from him.

Jeremy Allik:
So. He falls ill and take me through the process and the story of how you came to know this and what went through your mind as this whole major event unfolded.

Marjorie Raskin:
I remember him going to the primary care doctor because he had a lot of pain in his shoulder and I don't really know how many doctor's appointments he had after that. I just remember them saying that he had cancer. Then he started having treatment. And people would make plans with my mother to drive my mother to treatment.

And this must have been during the summertime because They quickly arranged for me to be at a day camp, Camp Siwataro in Sudbury, for the entire summer. I was always, like, sharing a bin with somebody else. There was, it was always clear that I was an extra. So that was a pretty significant memory that I have.

We didn't really talk about anything, so I didn't necessarily see the discomfort that Tommy had when he was having this chemo. I heard about it. He had really uncomfortable response, so he had bad side effects of chemo. So, the other thing that when he was sort of getting better after chemo, you have sections of chemo, like three, two weeks on, two weeks, three weeks off.

During the, his off chemo weeks, he was weak, but he would wrestle with me on the floor. And I could actually be strong and he seemed to be Enjoying it that I could challenge him a you know a little bit, but he was teaching me. So again, that would have never ever happened if he Hadn't gotten sick because we were physically He he was weaker.

Uh, so we could wrestle and he could teach me how to To wrestle I moved I totally learned moves wrestling moves from him

Jeremy Allik:
At this point In his chemo and in his sickness, had the, the idea of him dying crossed your mind and how did you approach that? 

Marjorie Raskin:
When you saw how sick he looked, there was always a question. He also had surgery where he had a lung taken out.  I remember it was pretty scary. I remember I was at middle school. And the vice principal called me in to give me an update that the surgery was successful and he was fine. So they obviously were scared and thinking that I was scared.

I don't know if I voiced. So yeah, I did never asked, never asked about his fate. I do have memories of the last two years of his life. I was obviously a little older when I would walk to school alone.  I've often over and over in my head, I would say to, I wondered, what would I say out loud when my brother dies?

Who am I gonna wanna tell? How do you just say it to somebody? That was just what I was ruminating over. So it wasn't until. And he was sort of on the couch when we had hospice at the house.  That was the only time that I sort of broke down and cried. And that was probably about, I don't know, a week before he died.

They didn't have any social workers anywhere saying, Oh, the siblings of this child may have emotions. It just didn't happen then.

Jeremy Allik:
So he is on the couch and hospice is there. What do you remember about the day that he did pass away? 

Marjorie Raskin:
I remember in the morning, my mother said, Oh, you have a dentist appointment.

So I'll pick you up at school. Then after school, my mom's friend, Marty Tubb, picked me up at school and said, Oh, your mom can't come. I didn't ask why. And then when I was finished with the dentist, I went back to Marty's house and then she got a phone call that said Tommy had died. So she told me and then I went upstairs to Marty's bedroom and called my friend Jane to tell her.

To tell you the truth, I, there was a little humor in that day.  Because the refrigerator at my folks house broke the day before, and my father had the right mind to just order another refrigerator. And so, literally, late in the afternoon, the refrigerator gets delivered. That comes in one door, and literally, like Tommy's body was getting taken out, in the front door.

Marjorie Raskin:
We just, it broke the ice to be laughing. And we, you know, always had people, we had people at the house. We were not alone. And my grandmother was there. My gr I forgot to mention, my grandmother was at my house for four years off and on to help cook when my brother got sick.

Jeremy Allik:
After those four years had passed, how do you remember a change within yourself?

And to what level was this change, like maturity, growth, outlook?

Marjorie Raskin:
Honestly, there was probably some inflation that I thought I was more mature than I was. Because I, I seemed, I felt different than other people. I just knew that I had this sad situation and most people didn't. My goal was to continue to make sure that I was still a good girl and that I was not going to upset my parents.

So really, I was making, I wanted to make sure they were okay. I didn't cry a lot those years and I certainly was very aware of my mom's patterns of when she would get really sad. Again, I focused a lot on her and probably not for me. I mean, I had a really good high school experience, had fun, had success in sports, and had lots of friends.

I didn't necessarily know how to manage, um, friendship conflicts. Um, didn't know how to really articulate what my needs were. 

[ melancholy piano theme fades in ] 

Marjorie Raskin:
But if anybody, if a relative died, I knew how to write a condolence letter. It wasn't until I got to college that I started to really just focus on myself. Lots and lots of sadness.

It wasn't until college that I really started crying. Growth was based on learning how to really grieve. Sadness that I could not even articulate. It just was about tears. I think growth has been just all along, just figuring out what my needs are and balancing,  because I can go so far to just worrying about the other people.

Because that's what I did early on for my parents. What I know about myself in terms of growth is that there has to be a balance. Not just others. And not just focus on myself. A balance.

Jeremy Allik (outro):
I would like to thank my mother Marjorie for sitting down with me for this interview. It was a profound experience getting to hear her [00:12:45] perspective of my Uncle Tommy's death. And for everyone else listening, thank you.

[ melancholy piano theme fades out ] 

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NICOLE SALERNO:
This is Nicole Salerno – 

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– Assistant Director of Study Abroad at Fitchburg State University.  And you’re listening to Perseverantia, the Fitchburg State Podcast Network.

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