[Sound of Gav making his way round to the back of the Row]

Gav: [whispered to self] Good. Only one way out. If he comes this way I’ll have the little prick. [shuts self-up as he hears voices off to the left.]

Male voice: I can’t do this. Are we just supposed to ignore the explosions?

Female voice: Remember, this place is supposed to be special. Whatever is going on outside is a distant memory. If we are thinking about it, the customers are thinking about it and if the customers are on edge, we are not doing a good job. We worked hard to get this job -please don’t fuck this up for us sweetheart.

Male: I know, I know. I just wish Gnilfiet was here…things were just…better when she was running the place.

Female: She will be back. Don’t worry. Now just get your head in the game. There are big spenders in here tonight. Lets show them a good time…How are you doing down there?

Male: Honestly?...He’s strugglin’ babe.

Female: Shit. The Baron is in tonight! You are his favourite.

Male: Ahhhh seriously?! That guy reeks!

Female: And he tips like he is a king!

Male: That’s not helping babe…in fact I think the little guy just shrunk a bit.

Female: You just need a little warm up act to get you into the spirit. Come on my love, I’ll let you do that thing you’ve been wanting to try.

Male: Really?

Female: Haha! That’s woken him up a little hasn’t it! Oh my! More than a little!

Male: Well…you know…

Female: Let me just go and get the equipment and I’ll [she opens the door and sees a wet and bloody Gav at the door] Ah![Shocked]

Gav: Oh…Errr….sorry…don’t mind me! I’m errr… just

Female: [shocked and indignant] What are you doing back here?! This is…[catches herself and mellows adopts an affected sultry tone] Good evening sir, I’m sorry for my tone…you caught me by surprise is all…this area is reserved for the performers…I can escort you back to the entertainment area if you like…

Gav: Oh errr…wel l…I mean…I’m just waiting for a friend and then I’ll be out of your hair…please don’t mind me.

Female: Your friend will be in the entertainment area, why don’t you let me escort you there and entertain you whilst you wait.

Gav: Oh no…really I am fine…

[male approaches]

Male: [sexy voice] Perhaps you would prefer us both to help you find your way.

Female: [squeal of delight] ooooo! That might be fun…we really can’t have you hanging round here all wet and…

Gav: Look…seriously I know you are having a bit of trouble…please…you don’t have to turn it on for me…I’m just here to pick up a friend and leave.

Male: Trouble? I don’t know what you mean.

Gav: No judgement fella, It happens to the best of us. I am just impressed that you can turn it on and off at all. I tell you, if I could do that!

Female: ah…you heard us…how much did you hear?

Gav: Honestly…don’t sweat it. I wont tell anyone about the Baron’s sweaty arse if you just get me a towel to dry myself off and pretend i’m not here.

Male: I didn’t say anything about a sweaty arse…

Gav: Body odour then…look you and your lady were about to have a good time. Please don’t let me get in the way of all that. I’ll be out of your hair in figures few.

Female: You’re military? You sound military…please don’t cause any trouble…[worried]please…after what happened to Rhada…I really couldn’t bare anything like that again.

Gav: Relax…Relax…I am just here to pick someone up…I will be out of your hair any second…

Male: [throws towel to Gav. Gav starts towelling off] Look babe…he’s hurt…

Female: Oh gods! That must sting!

Gav: Shite, the bandage has come off. It’s fine…looks worse than it is.

Female: Get your shirt off and let us clean it up at least. You’ll catch a sickness.

Gav: Look now…Really…

Male: We will leave you to your business and we can all forget we saw or heard what we saw and heard but please- let my Vir clean up your wound. She is a talented healer.

Female: [annoyed] What’s that look for! Medicine doesn’t pay as well as performance and there is little business for midwives these days. Plenty of call for my skills at the row!

Gav: Sorry…I didn’t mean…that’s just my face…it does that sometimes[sound of removing shirt]

Male & Female: Wow….

Male: you must work out…

Gav: Yeah…I mean…you know… I do this and that.

Female: have you seen the size of that thing as well? I thought yours was big my love but his is enormous!

Male: It’s big yeah, but I think mines bigger…yeah…yeah… mine is definitely wider…his is just longer.

Gav: The tattoo? Yeah… My ex did it for me… took a full year to get all the detail on the dragon…[Gav winces as stomach wound is cleaned]

Female: Stop fussing!

Gav: It’s sore alright…a fresh one.

Female: [Hesitant]…anything to do with all that noise out there?

Gav: Just stay inside…okay?

Male: Please don’t hurt anyone here…

Gav: We’ll get our man and take our business elsewhere. I promise…you two seem sweet.. I wish you both the…

Mal: [shouting from other room…panicked and constrained] GAV! GAV!

Gav: I’m coming!

Scene 2

[Sound of Mal entering the Row and scanning the entertainment area.]

Mal: [Whispered to self] There you are you little shit.

[mal takes a few steps and gets stopped by security]

Security guard: Weapons please.

Mal: Right, I mean.. I’ll only be two minutes… I’m just picking up my mate.

Security: And do you need your weapons for that?

Mal: I suppose not…I uh…what’s your name big fella?

Security: Man…Door Man.

Mal: Feels like standards have slipped here a bit recently. You seem a bit frosty for the welcome committee. Where’s Leda and Gnilfiet? They have a much more pleasant way of disarming me usually.

Security: Big G is away on business and Leda was hurt in an incident here recently. Hence the frosty reception to drowned rats with weapons.

Mal: Trouble at the Row? Really? Never thought I’d see the day.

Security: Some Regiment Casters came in here causing trouble and harassing the girls and when they got stopped, they attacked us. Blew a hole straight through one of the new boys and spooked the whole staff.

Mal: Regiment casters? Are you certain?... Never mind that…Mr Door Man. My friend over there who just ran in here before me… the young wet gentleman wearing the red, purple and gold robes who is cowering in the corner and trying to remove the bindings from his wrists…

Security: You what? No one like that ran in here. I’ve been here all night.

Mal: That skinny blonde nix thing under the table over there biting at his wrists.

Security: What are you talking about?

Mal: What do you mean? He stands out a bit big fella, look! About six paces left of the bar…two tables in toward the main stage. Under the table, white as a sheet, looks to be having a very bad day. Ate some bad shrooms and fell into the Beck. I’m just here to pick him up.

Security: I don’t know what sort of silly game you are playing here but I am not in the mood for it one bit.

Mal: Look I’ll show you, just let me [sound of a struggle]

[security rush mal and he his pinned]

Mal: Shit..[Shouting] GAV! GAV!

[Sound of Gav charging in from the back]

Gav: I’m coming!

[…sound of multiple weapons being drawn]

Security: Stop right there.

Gav: Ooh!...[Gave draws weapon] err…what the fuck happened here colour?

Mal: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU LOSE YOUR SHIRT GAV!? GET THE NIX AND GET OUT!

[sound of Gav knocking over table and glasses grabbing the nix who is speaking in confused and incomprehensible tongues]

Security: Fuck! Where did that little fellow come from?

Mal: [to security guard] I bloody well told you! [to Gav] GET HIM TO IVY GATE.

[Sound of Gav dragging gibbering nix out]

Security: Well…you’ve made a bit of a nuisance out of yourself…colour, was it? We’ve had our fill of troublesome mercenaries. Anan is gonna want a word with you!

Scene 3

[Sound of Gav dragging the nix and throwing him on the floor/ sound of security running past checking for him]

Gav: Get down. Shut the fuck up.

Nix: avatyar, ni nahala mata. saquet same ase.

[sound of Gav drawing side arm]

Gav: Shut up! Or I will shut you up!

[nix grabs Gavs wounded stomach and begins to heal him speaking an otherworldly prayer]

Gav: [Gasps in pain]

Nix: Eru Analor, same ase aiano ettemo varya turma mi.

[pulsing magical sound]

Gav: Terveytta’s nethers. What the fuck was that?!

[Gav pushes the nix to the ground and kneels on him, Gav forces a blade into the Nix’s mouth]

Gav: [Angry] So you are a caster are you? Nearly fucking had me you little shit! Well I was a fucking vanguard ranger. Do you know how we were taught to deal with captured casters, when away from home base? Try that shit again and I will kick out your teeth, cut out your tongue, peel off your lips and remove your fingers. Try casting then!

[Sound of gag being forced back into the nix’s mouth, Gav stands up and realises his pain is gone]

Gav: Did you?...How could you? [Panicked] Did you use healing?! [Gav feverishly begins checking himself over]thank fuck…everything is where its supposed to be…[Kicks the Nix]If I had suffered arcane overreach because of you, I’d be removing more than your fingers. [Forceful] Get up!

Scene 4

[Sound of Mal being thrown to the floor- sound of Anan pacing]

Anan: You bloody mercenaries! What should I do about you?....[very long pause]….That’s a question….aren’t you going to answer it?

Mal: Oh….errr… Sorry I thought it was rhetorical.

Anan: Why? Did I do it wrong?

Mal: Well…not exactly…its just normally when I am tied up and dumped on the floor at the feet of some sort of mysterious boss character…the opening lines tend to be a monologue…you know…setting out their stall and showing that they are the one in control.

Anan: Right. Do you think I should do that? You are already tied up…it seems a little redundant. Does it add anything?

Mal: errrr…I think…I mean…they usually do it because they enjoy it…perks of the job I guess. Also normally gives me the opportunity to work out how to escape etc.

Anan: Okay…so it’s optional I guess.

Mal: Traditional I suppose. They always do it in the theatre. Especially the Dranekian plays.

Anan: So what should I do with you?

Mal: Well…I think that a slap on the wrist, a twentyday ban would do…but if you wanted to go bigger…you could write a letter to my CO….but…errr. you’re the boss so…its up to you.

Anan: The Boss…it seems so glamourous when you say it like that… It’s all hard work and difficult decisions though. I miss being a performer when all I had to care about was the art! And you know…satisfying my customers.. When Gnilfiet was here things just ran smoothly! No trouble! No theft! No gory murder of my team during happy hour! No armed men stinking of blood and the sea trying to force their way in and certainly no magical disappearing nix! Things just used to work! How am I supposed to know how to fix it? I let the first trouble maker off with a warning and the next thing you know I have lightening bolts and exploding people! I made an example of the next trouble maker and half of my business went into Little Loyren and the Aventine! I can barely afford to pay my performers now! Thank Ygyfraith that Theodore isn’t paying attention to the bottom line!

Mal: It sounds like you are having a bit of a tough time of it my friend. Errr.. I really don’t want to add to your worries… so if you like, I can just make myself scarce and we can forget all about the misunderstanding.

Anan: Is it really that simple? Maybe I should cut your face up a little bit….I don’t have to go the whole way like we did with the last guy…maybe that was it…maybe I went too far… just some minor mutilation and that will keep the punters coming in and keep the troublemakers out.

Mal: Look…Anan…I err…I don’t want to be that guy…but I am kind of a big deal… I am a colour sergeant in the Orillian Regiment Special Action Group, I am an acting SAG cont commander…

Anan: Colour sergeant? Is that above or below a captain?

Mal: Well…Below…but

Anan: Is it above or below a Lieutenant?

Mal: I mean…below…I am a non commissioned officer…but

Anan: Okay.. so help me understand…are you a bigger or smaller deal than me?

Mal: Well…I mean…it’s all subjective really… You seem to be a pretty big deal running the row and all that…I just…

Anan: Because I kind of get the feeling like you think you are a bigger deal than me….I should have done the monologue bit at the start…. There has to be a good reason why people do it… Right, that’s it ive decided I’m going to-

Mal: Woah woah woah woah woah… I was only trying to tell you that if you come down on me too hard, the regiment might get upset- look, as I understand it we are a big part of your business.

Anan: Well yes! But that was before! Now you soldier types are driving away my business with your bad behaviour! I was going to let you off with a warning but I’ve changed my mind. If you think it will keep you hooligans away, I am going to make an example of you!

Mal: Gods man! Your indecision is exhausting! Has anyone ever told you that you’re wet!

Anan: HEY! HEY! HEY! That is not a very nice thing to say! I have feelings you know! Noone trained me how to do any of this stuff! They said ‘the spirit of the row’ does all of the hard work! If I seem a little uncertain it is because I am. I am an authentic leader! I wear my feelings and my vulnerabilities on my sleeves for all to see!

Mal: I feel like I am having a bad trip… [Mal struggles to sit up and speak calmly] Right…okay. So! I was in the Navy back in the day… I had a commander who-

Anan: Apologise.

Mal: What?

Anan: Apologise… I wont listen to your story unless you say you are sorry for calling me wet.

Mal: Oh…right….umm…I’m sorry…

Anan: I don’t believe you.

Mal: ummmm….okay…

Anan: Say it like you mean it. Don’t just say it like its cheap…

Mal: ooooookaaaaay…. [with hugely affected sincerity]. I am very sorry for my hurtful words…you deserve better and I promise to do better in the future.

Anan: [swooning a little] Oh my… that seems well practiced…

Mal: Well I’ve been joined a few times and even married once… a good apology is a vital skill.

Anan: Okay…you were telling a story…

Mal: Right…yeah… When I were in the Royal Navy, when I were just starting out… we had a commander…we all loved her…she would drink with us, party with us…and really looked after us…mucked in on the shit jobs and protected us from the bullshit that would roll down hill….anyway…we all really respected and admired the lass and when she said jump…we asked how high…and no one minded much because we knew she’d only say jump if it were in our interest to do so…if there were discipline issues all she had to do was give us the ol’ disappointed mum face and we’d be so torn up that we’d put it right no questions…a couple of years later we got a new Master Chief…same commander mind…but everything started going to pot…we all still loved and respected the commander…but all of a sudden our performance dropped…we were having discipline problems left right and Udi…all the conditions were exactly the same except for one missing piece….

Anan: And what was that?

Mal: [Long pause]…cough…

Anan: Come on man spit it out, I am on tenterhooks

Mal: [Satisfied sigh] Sorry those quickcuff shackles you boys are using are a nightmare to get off. [Stands and punches Anan in the face, he drops to the ground] I have absolutely no idea what was missing…honestly I think we just got bored….

Scene 5

Gazi: This seems like a very bad idea…

Deky: So it doesn’t have the Trooper Gazi seal of approval?

Gazi: Hells no…

Deky: Then it probably has a chance of success then.

Gazi: Meow! You tell me then Deky, how are four guys supposed to hold off a squadron of Tuskar?

Deky: Corporal Dek Ana, trooper.

Gazi: Ooooooo! You get a couple of stripes and think you can swing it around do you Deky?

Tomo: Gaz! [Awkward silence]

Gazi: You are actually pissed with me aren’t you? Fuck…what did I do?

Deky: You embarrassed me Gazi… You lost bolts on recce, you got lost on our exfil and you basically informed the guard that we caused this whole mess! What do you think the debrief is going to look like? You and Tomo are my responsibility! Who do you think is going to get the blame for your performance.

[pause]

Gazi: Deky…look man…I haven’t been at my best, I’ll grant that but I have no idea where my bolts could have gone but we were in the shit! That sort of thing happens, its not like I lost a blade…bolts are CSUPs..right? and about getting ’lost’…where the fuck were you? We have SOPs for this shit, if there was a stop short there should have been a link man to guide us.

Deky: You ran straight by me! Head in the clouds! You are supposed to be my lead scout! Don’t try and slopy shoulder this! You and Tomo just ran straight by! Nearly knocked me on my arse!

Gazi: Bullshit! You weren’t there! Don’t try to put this on me!

Tomo: Corporal Ana… I didn’t see you either.

Deky: Are you calling me a liar Tomo?

Tomo: No corporal. I am just telling you that I did not see you…and I don’t believe Gazi saw you either.

Deky: Well everyone else saw me so I don’t think those excuses are going to wash.

Gazi: What is that supposed to mean?

Tomo: I don’t think now is the time to be discussing administrative action…

Gazi: WHAT?! If you think you are going to discipline me over this you have got another thing coming! After the shit I’ve seen you do Deky?!

Tomo: Shut up Gazi! We could be dead within the hour! Save your bullshit indignation for the Uruk!

Deky: Thank you Trooper Tomo… Let me recap the plan. No Trooper Gazi… 4 men…sorry Constable Von Overton…4…..errr… are you guys soldiers?

Von Overton: Oh, so I exist now…I was wondering when you’d stop pouting and bickering so we could get on with this. I don’t think the guard are considered soldiers…I think we are technically magistrates? But we dress like soldiers so…

Deky: Right… 3 soldiers and one armoured magistrate, who can shoot, can’t hold off a squadron of Tuskar Marines. BUT! We can disrupt and delay them enough for the Guard and The Regiment to block them moving into the city.

Von Overton: I have set up defensive positions along these three parallel roads. Each position has a couple of crossbows, already loaded and a few jars of alchemics. Use them sparingly! If you throw everything at once, then you will have to abandon the position quickly. You want to keep them guessing how much we’ve got so they don’t just rush us and overwhelm us!

Deky: The Alchemics are supposed to be used against the Wilds, right? What do they do to a person…?

Von Overton: just don’t get any on you…

Tomo: Constable Von Overton….You seem to know…A LOT…about urban fighting…and you got this organised….very quickly…

Von Overton: That’s why Luobo sent me with you… I wasn’t always a guardsman…and a lot of these positions were already built up during the uprising.

Deky: Don’t you know, Tomo? Constable Von Overton was Sa Ga Na! Abandoned the revolution to marry Captain ironside and join the forces of order!

Tomo: Oh my! You are Captain Ironside’s betrothed!?

Von Overton: Cut that shit out now! Luobo is my betrothed and I didn’t abandon the revolution. I fought in the liberation of Vash- the Sa Ga Na wanted to bring the war home…I wasn’t interested.

Gazi: Sleeping with the enemy! Haha! I bet the Sa Ga Na want you dead!

Von Overton: Pffft. You have no idea what you are talking about.

Deky: Constable Anguish… would you mind showing Tomo and Gazi the positions and showing them the rat runs?

Von Overton: Sure. Lets get to it.