
No Return
No Return: An Audio Drama by Kier Zhou
Enjoy yourself in the chaotic, fantastical world of "No Return," where the worldbuilding ambition rivals Robert Jordan, the humour channels Terry Pratchett and Douglas Adams, and the violence echoes Tom Sharpe—all wrapped in the indie punk aesthetic of a one man band making content on a laptop powered by a potato.
This full cast comedy fantasy spans a diverse array of tales:
- Clumsy Divine Quests: Join researchers on accidental divine missions.
- Mercenary Chaos: Witness comedic clashes between mercenaries and foreign warships.
- Eerie Mysteries: Delve into the haunting search for lost children.
- Ancient Secrets: Unearth treacherous truths in the Darklands.
- Sinister Plots: Navigate a city's dark underbelly filled with kidnappings and dark schemes.
- Ensemble Comedy of Errors: Dive into epic fantasy battles where magic and mayhem reign supreme.
- Actual Play: Follow the gripping saga of a burning city and the heroes fighting for its survival amidst chaos and intrigue. Told through a tightly edited TTRPG actual play.
And remember, for those seeking extra tales and behind-the-scenes magic, check out:
https://patreon.com/NoReturnAD
No Return
1: Wide-End: Bloody Ungrateful Creatures
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The Isoldes get a surprise visit late in the night, Brucco finds the Rain Chapel camp less than welcoming.
Want to learn more about Lern, Emedu and the NoReturniverse? Why not check out The Lore of No Return
Anzhlo- Matt Evans
Yvonna Isolde- Lauren Littlewood
Erik Isolde- Kier Zhou
Brucco- Christian McLean-Mair
Ysenda - Gemma McLean-Mair
Orryn- Mario Guttadauro
Captain Ironside- James Hart
Fuzhlo- Dontae Majors
Chura- Abbie Jordan-Tickle
Content Warning ⚠️:
- Foul language
- Peril
- Violence
- Death/Dying
- Kidnapping
- Reference to Drug Use
I know you mean well but, you don’t understand what it takes to survive in a place like this…a place where everyone…even those others who were cast out from their homes, see us as filth. You treat us with dignity and respect. You raise our expectations. Accepting our fate shelters us from pain in this world…you chip away at our armour…my armour…we need that protection…I need that protection…it’s all I have left.
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Scene 1: Anzhlo and his gang of Saurians have broken into Isolde Manor and he is threatening and extorting them to allow him and his people to live there. Anzhlo is confident, ambitious, intelligent and ruthless. Unlike his gang, he has educated himself and understands some of the politics of Sada Emedu and sees on opportunity to exploit the Isolde’s vulnerability.
The Isoldes do not initially recognise the threat and assume they are simply being robbed for their wealth. Lady Isolde attempts to negotiate and cooperate as Lord Isolde cowers from the terrifying Saurians.
[Anzhlo stalks around the Isolde family]
Anzhlo: “These are very nice things you have here. Very shiny and lots of it.” “And so much space to keep it all. Mr and Mrs Isolde, you have done very well for yourselves.”
[opens a small carved wooden box on the marble side table and begins idly perusing the contents]
[brings the powder up to his tongue before recoiling from the bitter flavour, spitting it out onto the ground.]
Anzhlo: [to other saurian in room] “Don’t eat any of that… it tastes awful” [to Yvonna] What is it?”.
[Erik whimpers pathetically]
Yvonna: “It’s Pinch. Smokeless tobacco. You pinch and sniff the pulverised leaves, instead of burning it. It’s very popular in .... it was a gift from a visiting dignitary. You may have it, if you wish.” [brushes off clothing and collects herself] “You seem to know who we are Mr?...”
Anzhlo:[Smiling] “Anzhlo, Lady Isolde. No need for formality with little old me. I am just a tired émigré, come cap in hand to you fine people. Do not rest on ceremony on my account.”
Yvonna: “Anzhlo. You can have anything you want from this place. We will even help you pack and load it, but you must allow us to see to our man and you must promise not to harm anyone else. You have made your point quite clearly now, and we are all quite ready to cooperate with you.”
Anzhlo: “I do apologise for hurting your shin licker Ma’am, I really do. I just have this tick you see. When people start getting excited. When they start fighting, shouting, screaming or running… it awakens something in me… I can barely help myself.” [To other saurian] “Do any of you boys get that? Or is it just me?”
[Saurians let out a menacing low chuckle]
[Anzhlo turns away from the Isoldes and walks slowly over to Mikkel, nudging the halfling with a razor claw and making a small puncture in his side which immediately begins to bleed].
Anzhlo: “He’s not got many rolls left in him. If I’m honest, I think we were all rather hoping we would eat him.” [forbearing sigh]. ”But if you really must keep him, I suppose we can find something else to eat.”
Yvonna: “Fine. If you must. But you are not to lay hands on anyone else.” [Yvonna pulls herself to her feet and stands confidently.] “Mikkel will be missed, he served this family since I was a child, but this will be much cleaner. Fewer exigencies to deal with once you are gone.” [brushes and straightens her gown again.] “But you are not to take any more of the staff. They are very difficult to replace and some of them have sentimental value.”
Anzhlo: [Somewhat taken aback] “Uma’s children! you are icy steel Lady Isolde. A woman after my own heart.”… “I’ll let you keep the Leatherfoot. I wouldn’t want to spoil the lovely rapport we are building with my discourteous manners. But if you are ever in market for a new man or want to sample a scaled hemi. Please don’t be shy.” [Walks over to Erik, grabs him by neck and forces his weeping and frantic face upwards to look at him].
Erik: [Whimper and sob]
Anzhlo: “You wouldn’t mind that, would you Erik? Were all friends now, we share everything.”
[Erik pisses himself and faints…]
Anzhlo: Erik…you’ve had too much to drink…you’ve gone pissed yourself and fallen to sleep…[ Anzhlo drops him to the floor…walks over to Mikkel and picks him up]
Anzhlo: This poor little mite….I’ve been ever so clumsy with your belongings… let me return your leatherfoot for you…with my apologies [Drags drops him on the floor at Yvonna’s feet]
Anzhlo: but I think you are under a significant misapprehension Lady Isolde. We must all start to get very comfortable with one another. We have decided that the camp in Rain Chapel is not well suited to our particular needs and we have come to graciously accept your hospitality at Isolde manor.”
Yvonna: “Take what you want and leave this place. You might just get away with this if you leave now, but it will only be a matter of time before the Guard arrive. If that happens, you will leave with nothing, and we will all die in a bloodbath. There is NOTHING to be gained by this.”
Anzhlo: [Sitting down comfortably] “You really wouldn’t want us speaking to the guards Lady Isolde. I rather think you should do what you can to keep them away. I am famously tight-lipped, but some of my friends are as thick as Tuskar shit. You never know what they might tell a crafty guardsmen under interrogation.” ….[pause] “I suspect that cooperating with the city’s enemies and conspiring with foreign powers will get you in a spot of bother. What would the neighbours think Yvonna?”
Yvonna: a….i……a….
Anzhlo: Something caught your tongue Lady Isolde? “Don’t worry. We can’t judge. We all do what we must for our survival. Uma expects it of us all. I think we are all going to get along very well.
[Anzhlo stands and begins walking away]
Anzhlo: “I don’t suppose I could change my mind about the shin-licker could I? Wouldn’t want him going to waste.”
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Scene 2: Brucco’s first day on the camp. Brucco Isolde is a well intentioned member of the gentry who wishes to help the needy. He is not worldly and largely ignorant of the realities of their situation. He has been in touch with the senior commanders of the Order of the Divine Return, asking how he might help with their work at the Untouchables Camp. He was told that if he wanted to do more than donate, that he could volunteer his time and labour. Brucco has not worked a day in his life but still wants to do something to help. He arrives at the camp confused and disorientated and is poorly received by Orryn who sends his straight to work. Eventually he bumps into Ysenda, who the order has asked to keep an eye on him. He did not expect her to be a ‘spawnborn’ and having never met one before, he behaves like an idiot, offending her.
Brucco: Oh….eugh…gods its filthy…and that foul stench! Couldn’t you put some planks down or something in the walkways? My clothes are getting filthy!
Orryn: And who are you supposed to be?
Brucco: My apologies…I am usually more courteous…I’m just a little…overwhelmed by the….squalor…
Orryn: This this the bit where you tell me who you are and why you are wearing that silly rig in this place? Is this some kind of bet? How long can you survive prancing around the untouchable’s camp dressed like a dandy?
Brucco: Dandy?! I am Brucco Isolde…
Orryn: Am I supposed to know who that is am I?
Brucco: I’d have thought so…. Brucco Isolde…I have been in correspondence with the Abbot of The Order. I am here to volunteer. To help you succour the wretched…
Orryn: Right. You’re a volunteer….okay well….take these blankets and the barrow of rations and start handing them out..
Brucco: Ummm…I had hoped I might serve in a managerial or command function….
Orryn: Sorry my mistake. Please manage these blankets, tents and rations by commanding that barrow down the path so that ‘the wretched’ Jing on this row don’t die of starvation and exposure.
Brucco: Oh…ummm….
Orryn: Off you go.
Brucco: Oh yes…Right.
[Brucco pushes the Barrow along the ‘walkway’ it keeps getting stuck in the mud and filth and he struggles very badly…eventually he reaches a bunch of grunting and snorting Jing]
[Grunting and snorting animal like sounds]
Brucco: Ah! You there! Would you like a tent and some blankets?
[Grunting and squealing…the Jing ignore them]
Brucco: The ground over there looks dreadful….if you want supplies….just pop over here….
[Grunting]
Brucco: [to self] Bloody ungrateful creatures!
[begins wheeling the barrow again…it falls over and the supplies spill jing quickly set upon it raiding everything]
Brucco: No!...No! These are for everyone to share! No! No! if you!
[Large Jing knocks him over, they all flee with the supplies]
Brucco: Eugh…my trousers! My jacket! I’m filthy [flicks thick mud off his hands and begins standing up]
Ysenda: [Laughing] You have made my day squishy!
Brucco: [standing up and turning round before realising] Well I am glad someone…Ah! Back! Back! Spawn of the depths!
Ysenda: [snort of laughter] are you for real?
Brucco: I am a disciple of Ai…she will protect me! You cannot steal my soul or my innocence!
Ysenda:[Incredulous] You are being serious aren’t you!?
Brucco: Back…Back… [praying to self] be not afraid of the face of wickedness and carry love always in your heart. The visage of evil…
Ysenda: Are you praying? I know that one: “Ai, Lady of Light- Queen of Pathos’ Pantheon, Guardian of Man’s spirit… turn away the poison of sin which separates man from his source”…I always thought that one was a bit sexist…
Brucco: You! Take the Lady’s name out of your mouth failbirth!
Ysenda: Woah! I am going to let that go because you are clearly out of your depth, but speak to me like that again and you will regret it.
Brucco: Ummmm….I…I…a
Ysenda: Am I really the first spawn you have met? I know there are others in the city… Look…I am not here to take your soul or your innocence…though at your age, I’d have thought you’d have cashed that in already.
Brucco: Then why are you here?
Ysenda: I am Ysenda. You are Brucco, right?
Brucco: You? You are Ysenda?
Ysenda: Yes…the Order asked me to guide you around the camp…prevent you from getting murdered. You are some sort of toff from the city right? They don’t want you getting killed.
Brucco: Ysenda…it doesn’t sound like the name of spawn…
Ysenda: What were you expecting? Ms Deathfire Acidlake Esquire? I was named by my parents, they were ordinary renfolk like you.
Brucco: and the order sent you?...the order of the divine return?
Ysenda: Yes. None of this lot speak Vox…so your options are a bit limited…look here. I’ve got a letter from Liare the Abbott…here…
[pulls out parchment and hands it to Brucco who takes it gingerly]
Brucco: Hmmmm…well…ummmm…
Ysenda: Look if you can’t handle working with me, I recommend you go home. If some hungry Jing don’t try to eat you- the Saurians will kill you…probably just for fun…
Brucco: Ummm….errrr…..[long awkward pause]
Ysenda: [sucks teeth] Right. Well…bye then…I guess
[Ysenda walks away]
Scene 3: Isolde manor is visited by Sir Casper, who wishes to register a complaint about the ‘sudden appearance’ of Saurians in the Wide End Borough. Anzhlo invites him to discuss his issues and put him at ease, but both men eventually show their true colours. Anzhlo loses his temper but soon regains composure, lying to Sir Casper that Lady Isolde is in charge and he follows her orders.
Anzhlo: “Mr Casper.”… “I understand. I do.”… “No one likes change. But I can assure you that my friends and I are here to prevent exactly the sort of change that you are worried about... “Lady Isolde, our esteemed employer, recognises the threat that you and your community are under. You can’t trust the guard to protect you. Uma help you if the United Workers Federation take control, eh? And the families...well they’ll fleece you before they look at you.” “Until all this silliness is over, you have got us here to keep you all safe...and keep the wrong sort out.
Casper: “It’s Sir Casper…. “I was knighted by King Caewelan while you were suckling at your mother’s teat.
Anzhlo: [laugh and thigh slap]“We don’t suckle Sir Casper but I take your point! I apologise for any offense”
Casper: “You are...surprisingly well spoken for...a...
Anzhlo: Saurian? [smiling] “It’s okay Sir Casper, I expect there were a number of words which jumped to mind before that one.
Casper: “Saurian. Yes...yes...you sound almost educated
Anzhlo; “Almost. Yes. We didn’t get to go to Orient but The Order put classes on in the camps. I’ve always had a hunger, for learning. I try to experience as much as I can.
Casper: Yes...well...wheeling out the one lizard with half a brain isn’t going to change my mind. I want all of you out Wide-End and back where you belong before the end of the tenday! If you do not comply, we will have you ejected.
Anzhlo: I am sorry you feel that way Sir Casper. You are going to have to take it up with our paymistress. What sort of security would we be, [clenched jaw].“ if we abandoned her because of a little threat?... Let me ask you this. Why don’t you want Saurians in your community?” “We are scary, right? Dangerous, correct? We are not the monsters your mum and dad told you would gobble you up if you did wrong. We like to pretend we are different, but were just jungle drakes’kin. Your average Lernian is scarier than we are in reality. You are a grown man Sir Casper...a knight no less...You don’t believe children’s stories…. but the hordes of hungry half-wits on the other side of that wall do. Why not let us be your monsters?”
Casper: [uncontrolled rage] “Because!” “You’ll kill anything! Rut anything! And eat anything! You are less than animals. “You can put on clean clothes and wear a fancy hat all you like but the demons which created your race, saw fit to give you bladed hands! Two cocks! And no regard for the sanctity of life!
[pause deep breath and explosion of anger…banging claws into desk]
Anzhlo: [Rage] “Demon?!”….[pause…breath…calm] “Demon?”. Uma blessed us with the tools of survival, Mr Casper.…. “She blesses us with strength and the resolve to endure. [building anger again] “Your people’s weak gods are dead! Or perhaps they learned from Mother Uma that its’ better to teach self-reliance.” [Anzhlo stands tears his clawed hand from the desk, taking with him a handful of hardwood and splinters]. “and I think the hat makes me look like a gentleman. [Anzhlo sits] “As I said Mr Casper. You will have to take it up with Lady Isolde. I won’t be taking my claws or my cocks anywhere else, without her express orders.”
Casper: “I will take it up with Lady Isolde. But mark my words-I will die before I allow your kind to roam freely here. You. Will. Leave, Wide end. One way or another.”
Anzhlo: Good luck with that Mr Casper.
Scene 4: Ysenda reads Brucco’s apology letter which is written in a formal and flamboyant style. She has little time for him or his apology but Chura suggests that he could be a useful friends.
[Read mockingly by Ysenda to Chura]
Dear Ysenda,
I write to you today with the most humble apologies for my ungentlemanly conduct and my clumsy and artless use of language vis-à-vis your ‘condition’. I was quite caught off guard and overwhelmed by the entire experience and my conduct fell far short of what is expected from a man of my standing.
I have since spoken to the Abbott and she has, quite firmly, educated me on my errors and prejudices. I am ashamed to admit that I have led a sheltered life and only heard of your kind through…less than flattering and, the Abbott assures me, less than accurate stories.
I would like to extend to you my most heartfelt contrition and promise that I will endeavour to learn the requisite skills and knowledge, which would allow me to present myself to you and your people in a manner which honours you suitably. This is my promise as a gentleman.
Furthermore, I would like to extend to you an invitation to take supper at my home in Wide End so that I might properly atone for my behaviour.
Please find directions and return address overleaf. My man, Metis, who delivered this missive, has been instructed to present himself at the west gate once at dawn and once at lighting of candles…should you wish to reply.
I remain,
Your loyal and obedient servant,
The Honourable Brucco Isolde.
Ysenda: ‘Condition?!’ ‘My people?!’ Who in the hells is this guy?
Chura: He sssssoundsss…like he has sssssuffered a head injury…
Ysenda: He has a very strange way of writing…
Chura: Did he sssssend a passss?
Ysenda: No. and even if I could get out of the camp…there is no way I would go to this fool’s home.
Chura: He hassss money, no?
Ysenda: [sigh] yeah, but it’d be more trouble than it’s worth to rob him.
Chura: You ssshould write back.
Ysenda: He called me Failbirth, Chura. He’s lucky I didn’t gut him.
Chura: Doessssn’t hurt to have powerful friendsss…
Ysenda: Don’t be so naïve. His lot showed their colours after the pogroms…when the time came to petition the king… they locked us in here…for our ‘own protection’…better he doesn’t come back.
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Scene 5: Orryn is picked up by Fuzhlo’s people and brought to the Chief. Orryn fears he is being attacked or may be killed and warns Fuzhlo of the consequences of harming a member of the Order. Fuzhlo reassures him that he wont be hurt and asks for an update on th Orders plan to improve the living conditions of the camps, in particular relaxing the controls on the movements of it’s residents. Orryn knows Fuzhlo only wants to know so that he can protect his control over the camp populations and refuses to help. Fuzhlo reminds Orryn that although he can’t hurt him directly, he has indirect options to cause him suffering.
Orryn: Get your filthy claws off me! Get off!
[Orryn is thrown at Fuzhlo’s feet]
Turzhlo: Orryn for ya chief: eeeeeya!
Orryn: What is the meaning of this!? Do you think you can just man handle a member of The Order like this Fuzhlo?
Fuzhlo: What!? I invite you for dinner Orryn. Why you so angry?
Orryn: Are you seriously threatening me? What do you think is going to happen to your clansmen when The Grand Master and the Militants find out?!
Fuzhlo: So sensitive! No threat Orryn! I want you to eat with me! Not I eat you! [laugh]
Orryn: I don’t want anything from you Fuzhlo…you and your clan are a blight and a cancer in this camp. You stay out of the order’s way…we will stay out of yours…I’m leaving…
Fuzhlo: You already here Orryn! And no eat my food! I hurt! Forgive you some if you answer my questions.
Orryn: What do you want to know…?
Fuzhlo: I stuck here just like pitiful jing… just want to know how you plan is going? When order to get us out of camp? How long we all trap here?
Orryn: [scoff] You aren’t trapped here Fuzhlo. You chose to live here. You want to know if the order has secured a deal to release your prisoners…if the jing will finally be able to escape from you and this foul camp!
Fuzhlo: Escape?! They come to me every day! I give them what they want! Give them purpose…give them bliss…give them peace…Why they want escape!?
Orryn: You poison them and poison their souls and you feed on them like a parasite, calling yourself a predator! You think I would tell you anything that would help you prey on these creatures even more? I’d rather die.
Fuzhlo: Many way to die in this camp Orryn…especially for small squishly like you…Order make you feel safe? You think coz I no kill you here, that I no can make you hurt?...make you die…
Orryn: You wouldn’t risk a real fight Fuzhlo.
Fuzhlo: Careful Orryn…maybe I get mad and take it out on the poor defenceless jing…how you sleep sound then eh?
Orryn: Fuck you Fuzhlo!
Fuzhlo: Good night, Brother Orryn
Scene 6: Lady Isolde and Erik scene: Erik wants to go to the guard and wants to cooperate with Sir Casper in getting the Saurian’s out- Yvonna suspects that Brucco has played a part in the blackmail and she thinks they should cooperate with the Saurians and even sees that there might be opportunity and influence to be had.
Erik: Yvonna….Yvonna…
Yvonna: [fed up with him] Yes Erik…
Erik: Come…come in here where they won’t hear us.
Yvonna: [Sighs resignedly]
Erik: [Hushed conspiratorial tone] Sir Casper and some of the other families….they are organising a meeting tomorrow night…they are planning for a way to get rid of our lizard infestation… I think we should go…
Yvonna: and tell them what?
Erik: Show them we are on side…that we are being extorted…help them bring a case to the council and the guard!
Yvonna: and when Anzhlo tells them about our dealings with Lern?
Erik: We tell them he is lying!? What proof could he possibly have!?
Yvonna: Are you a complete buffoon? Where is Brucco? Where is our son?
Erik: What?! How should I know?
Yvonna: How indeed? How do you think some camp scaly found out about our visits from the Umholi? Hmm?
Erik: What has Brucco got to do with that?
Yvonna: Use your brain for one second you pathetic excuse for a man… Brucco spends his days volunteering at the camps…the Council of Displaced Nations Camp…and……the…[fishing for the answer]
Erik: The club?
Yvonna: Have you seen him at the club, you fool?! He volunteers at the Untouchables camp in Rain Chapel, where these scalies live. He has been going there for months helping the order provide food and shelter.
Erik: You don’t think Brucco would have told them?
Yvonna: Gods you are dense. Yes Erik…Brucco must have told them. This is clearly his doing. My journal and my correspondence with the Nadaar family are missing!
Erik: but why?! Why would he do that!?
Yvonna: Who knows what is going on with that boy… I am surprised to see such spine from something which came from you!
Erik: Quiet down Yvonna! They will hear us!
Yvonna: I hope they do hear us Erik…I hope they hear us, kill you and our ungrateful son and eat you both for being so unbelievably stupid!
Erik: You are the one who got us into this mess in the first place! I was against communicating with the Lernians from the start! What do we possibly have to gain from cooperating with the people who want to turn our city into rubble!
Yvonna: They don’t want to turn it into rubble you fool! They want it back! And any fool can see that with the shape we are in we have no hope of stopping them! Or anyone! If someone turned up tomorrow armed with a sharpened cabbage the city would fall apart! A small breeze could knock us over now! At least, if we cooperate with them…we can expect reasonable treatment when they take over! And life under the Lernians would be better than life under the UWF!
Erik: We’d be helots, slaves Yv!
Yvonna: Not with the terms I arranged. We would be overseers…we would have rights. It’s a moot point…we won’t have anything except a hempen necktie, if the council or the guard finds out!
Erik: We won’t have anything, if we let these monsters rule our lives!
Yvonna: You lack vision Erik. You always fail to see the opportunity in adversity…you’re….[disgusted] wet…
Erik: Wet!? what ruddy opportunity is there here other than being viciously raped and clawed to death by scaly dual-cocked monsters!?
Yvonna: Oh Erik…is that what this is about? Are they making you feel inadequate? They wouldn’t need two to outclass you…the opportunity was spelled out clear as day by Anzhlo. He is right.
Erik: You’re back on the Karrow aren’t you?! Right!? Have you lost your ruddy mind?!
Yvonna: The Crown are tied down in the citadel…the guilds are next on the chopping block…the guard won’t be able to protect us when the revolutionaries start passing the laws! Who will protect us?!
Erik: You have lost your marbles.
Yvonna: If we cooperate with them…convince wide-end to accept their protection…think about it…we could run ourselves….get a seat on the council… instead of being vulnerable to everyone…we’d have our own private army! Its no different to what the Orillian Regiment did in the Aventine.
Erik: They already have everything they want from us!
Yvonna: You are spineless…without our help they are going to struggle…we can make ourselves indispensable.
Erik: That’s exactly what you said about dealing with Lern and look where that has gotten us!
Yvonna: and I was right then too. So shut your mouth…go to bed and cry yourself to sleep into your pillow or something, I’m going to bring Anzhlo some tea.