5: Mageslayers: WELCOME TO THE REACH BATTLE ARENA!!!!

While others scramble to clean up Dec and Seilbh’s boozy bloodbath, Pog takes the opportunity to move the plot forward... with a bit of backup.

Seilbh- Krissi Williams

Nikhol Ashorn- Cameron Gergett

Phaetra Coi- Danielle Thuen

Nanda Nall- Justin Fife

Descartamelius (Dec) Go’orbulle- Dylan Smith

Chancellor- Kat McQueen

Cinnte Micheart- Gemma Maclean-Mair

Shain Sotalach- Adam Robinson 

Addison De Ara- Laura Duncan

High Seer- Jen de Haan

Grommuk- Girunduu

Snargle- Madeleine Buttitta

TURBOMURDERBUTCHER- Girunduu

Warden of the Household- AJ Fidalgo

Pogrim Pogglefield/Herrand/Tran- Kier Zhou

Biksune Ree-  Taylor Michaels

Magedad- Jim Tuohy

Transcript

LIF:
[muttering to herself manic panic] They are going to kill Dec…going to kill…all my fault. Stupid Lif! Stupid! Stupid Lif! Not real…not real…they hurt you…broke you….no…don’t think can’t think…not that place…here…not him…Dec…think of Dec…all your fault Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

NIKHOL:
Is…is she okay?

PHEATRA:
No Nikhol…she’s not okay. Lif…Lif…

LIF:
Don’t touch me DRAKE!

NIKHOL
Drake?!

PHEATRA
Lif…it’s me…Pheatra Coi

LIF
Caster…caster…casters hurt….casters burn…casters torment….Dec must save Dec.

PHEATRA
Lif…I don’t pretend to know what happened to you… some of your thoughts…a lot of it doesn’t make sense.

LIF
Must help Dec…must save Dec…are they casters? Are they hurting him? I will help? I will stop them! I can stop them! make them stop!

NIKHOL
What’s wrong with her?

PHEATRA
Her mind is fractured.

NIKHOL
Fractured?

PHEATRA
Yes Nikhol, meet Lif. Completely delusion and disconnected from reality.

NIKHOL
I thought she was just… I thought she was just ‘quirky’.

PHEATRA
No…she is confused…and in pain… more pain than her mind can tolerate…she has layers of fantasy…fiction covering and burying the pain…

NIKHOL
So why has she lost the plot now?

PHEATRA
 Her fantasy isn’t working for her anymore. She may have gotten Dec killed… her mind is trying to rewrite the story…but pulling away the layers of fiction…it’s showing the truth underneath.
 
 NIKHOL
Can’t you help her? You’re a Dewin of the mind, right?!

PHEATRA
You don’t know what you are asking Nikhol. I can alter…even erase memories at a push but I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy… Lif will have to find her own way through this.

LIF
Kill. It works! It won’t work here! Makes things worse! Surrender?! Play dead?! Give them what they want! They will take it anyway…scales and blood and blood and scales…

PHEATRA
Lif…you can help…I can show you how to help and no one will get hurt…

LIF
Show me…show me please… show me how to save!

PHEATRA
[handing over the broken seal of office] This belongs to the people you hurt. It is a symbol of their office. You destroyed it.

LIF
Broke it… broke the spell. Broke the trick freed the mind.

PHEATRA
No Lif. It is a simple piece of jewellery. Important to the person who owns it. And a symbol of his station. Nothing more. Do you think you can fix this?

LIF
If I fix… I will help? Will it help? Save Dec?

PHEATRA
 It will help Lif. It will help
 
 [Close door]
 
 NIKHOL
That was…pretty heavy… what happened to her Fay?

PHAETRA
The Lernians.

----

NANDA:
Under absolutely no circumstances should you mention the Mageslayers or your connection to the Budan Peace Council.

DEC
But…won’t that…won’t that help?

NANDA
Dec…you have shown…you have shown just… incredible ill judgement. I need you to trust that we will get you out of this. Please… listen to my advice and follow my lead.

DEC
Okay… is Lif safe? She-

NANDA
She’s fine…we had already secured her release, and she is not implicated in this.

DEC
Okay… then let’s do this.

CHANCELLOR:
The Kurultai will now hear the case of Reach vs Descartamelius Go’orbulle

CINNTE
Who the hell is Descartamelius?

ADDISON
Dec…clearly…

CHANCELLOR
Please state your name, occupation and abode for the court.

NANDA
[hushed] Clear, confident, articulate.

DEC
[Clears throat]. I am Descartamelius Go’orbulle, I am presently seeking employment and have no fixed abode.

SHAIN
Why is he saying that he is unemployed and homeless?! Is he trying to get himself painted as a murder hobo?!

ADDISON
Shhh!

SHAIN
Surely now is the time we start waving about the-

ADDISON
Shhh!

CHANCELLOR:
I…see…it is reported that you arrived with a party and that they have been quite involved with securing your release…

DEC
I met them on the road and rescued them from bandits. They consider themselves indebted to me.

CINNTE
When did Dec get so…Articulate?

SHAIN
And so full of shit. Rescued us from bandits?

NANDA
I can testify to this Chancellor.

CHANCELLOR:
I recognise you. Speak your name.

NANDA
[sigh] I am Nanda Nall.

CHANCELLOR
Seer and Scribe Nall? Devotee of Hullus?

NANDA
One and the same, Chancellor.

CHANCELLOR
I see. And what has brought you back to our city?

NANDA
Accompanying my master to the temple, Chancellor.

CHANCELLOR
Are they present?

ADDISON
Quite present Chancellor!

CINNTE
You two are from here?!

ADDISON
[hushed] Just Nanda but I am quite acquainted with the city.

SHAIN
But you’re not Uruk?

CINNTE
…and you serve the Mad god?

ADDISON
Oh! Only a little!

CINNTE
Why does that not surprise me…

CHANCELLOR:
For every De Ara, A Nall. It should perhaps be little surprise the peace of our city is broken. Can I assume that you will be making the traditional plea?

NANDA
Yes Chancellor, Dec was touched by the hand of the mad god. He was inspired by forces beyond our ken. As you can see, my companion is bright, intelligent, articulate and calm. Far from the brutish grunting fool who is said to have-

CHANCELLOR
I’m sorry to cut you off Brother Nanda. I am afraid that is not going to fly with the court. Lyrarch Scaram Anaheit is quite keen to move things along from the old ways. Drink is not the hand of Hullus. You’ve been away a long time. Would you like to change your plea? Or perhaps offer some mitigations, that we might consider an alternative to a death sentence?

NANDA
The law is quite clear Chancellor as a scribe-seer of the mad god, I attest that-

CHANCELLOR
[sigh] Bring him in.

[Doors open Uruk walks in]

NANDA
High…Seer?

HIGH SEER
The Profligate Son…

CHANCELLOR
High Seer does he bare the mark of-

HIGH SEER:
No.

CHANCELLOR
Then you may leave.

HIGH SEER:
It was nice to see you again Acolyte.

[Shuffles off and door closes]

NANDA
Things have indeed changed. The Kurultai have the High Seer at their beck and call. How… unorthodox….

CHANCELLOR
As I said. You have been away a long time. Any mitigations?

NANDA
[a little flustered] Ummm…[deep breath] Descartamelius is… Brobding…

CHANCELLOR
And?

NANDA
Have you ever seen one before?

CHANCELLOR
No.

NANDA
Well… he is the last of the mountain giant folk. To kill him would be a grave sin and a crime against the preservation of a rich culture and-

CHANCELLOR
The last?

NANDA
Yes.

SHAIN
What?! Really?!

CINNTE
It's quite difficult to tell what is true and what they are pulling out of their arse at this point.

CHANCELLOR
If he is the last of his kind, he has no mating pair.

DEC
I am not strictly the last of my kind. There is one other…
 
 CHANCELLOR
Are they a suitable mate?

DEC
Ummmm…no…

CHANCELLOR
Third time’s the charm Scribe-Seer Nall. Anything else you’d like to try before we sentence this Brobding to death?

SHAIN
We can’t let this happen!

CHANCELLOR:
Trial by combat? Trial By Ordeal? Mandamus? Sanctuary?

SHAIN:
[SHOUTING] TRIAL BY COMBAT! TRIAL BY COMBAT! DEC CAN TAKE ANY OF THESE URUK BASTARDS!
 
 ADDISON
[Assertive hush] Quiet yourself!

CHANCELLOR
SILENCE! The gallery has not been invited to speak! Scribe-Seer Nall?

NANDA
Dec is accused of spilling the blood of a son of Terrq. Can I assume that he is not permitted to wash away this sin with more blood of your kin?

CHANCELLOR
That is a fair assumption.

SHAIN
FUCK THIS!

ADDISON
Shain! Quiet yourself immediately!

[Jumps over gallery]

SHAIN
I’m tired of this shit!

CINNTE
SHAIN! GET BACK OVER HERE YOU IDIOT!

SHAIN
TRIAL BY COMBAT! I haven’t spilled the blood of a son of Terrq…[under breath] recently…[cough] I will fight as his champion!

[awkward pause]

DEC
Shain!

SHAIN
That is a thing I can do… right?

CHANCELLOR
Your party seems to have quite the debt to this Brobding. Well Nanda?

SHAIN
I’m not asking for his permission. Dec is my brother. I will fight for him.

NANDA
Shain… You have no idea what is-

CHANCELLOR:
It’s settled. Prepare for the arena.
 
 SHAIN
Arena?
 
 DEC
Was this… the plan?
 
 NANDA
[Sigh] No
 
 DEC
Good. Because…It’s a bad plan…
 
 ADDISON
For the sake of the silent-
 
 [Smash cut]
 
 GROMMUK:
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELCOME TO THE REACH BATTLE ARENA!!!!!!!
 
 NIKHOL
Well… this escalated quickly.

PHEATRA
It's just one crisis after another.

ADDISON
Adventure Pheatra! One Adventure after another!

SNARGLE:
GROMMUK IT IS A FINE DAY TO DIE! THE SUN IS SHINING, THE WEATHER IS SWEET!
 
 GROMMUK
YES IT IS, SNARGLE! YES IT IS! AND DO WE HAVE A TREAT IN STORE!
 
 SNARGLE
QUITE THE UNEVEN MATCH UP HERE TODAY! IT IS GOING TO BE BRUTAL!
 
 GROMMUK
AND SHORT!
 
 SNARGLE
THAT’S RIGHT GROMMUK. IT SEEMS THAT A TINY, SQUISHY RENFOLK “WARRIOR” HAS VOLUNTEERED TO TAKE ON THE REACH CHAMPION, ‘TURBOMURDERBUTCHER’, TODAY! HOW LONG DO YOU THINK THIS NO NECK, HOLLOW BONE WEAKLING WILL LAST?
 
 SHAIN
[Shouting from the arena floor] HEY! I CAN TAKE ANY URUK! ANYWHERE! ANYTIME!
 
 GROMMUK
WELL SNARGLE HE’S GOT SPIRIT!
 
 SNARGLE:
AND NOT A LOT OF BRAINS!
 
 GROMMUK
A LOT OF FOLKS HAVE TURNED OUT TODAY TO WATCH! SO I HOPE HE STRUGGLES FOR A LITTLE WHILE, BEFORE  ‘TURBOMURDERBUTCHER’… TURBOMURDER BUTCHERS HIM… TO DEATH!

CINNTE
Shain… this is stupid…pull out. There is no shame in-
 
 SHAIN
And let Dec get the chop?! Because of that deadeyed godless she-rat?! No. I’m going to save him. Then De Ara can get rid of that insane kanker once and for all and we can all be on our merry way!
 
 CINNTE
Shain…it’s not worth it. Let’s just do what we said. Let’s leave. We can go to Emedu and-
 
 SHAIN
You don’t think I can win…do you?
 
 CINNTE
These things are always rigged. Do you honestly believe anyone would be stupid enough to let criminals get away with murder by killing!?
 
 SNARGLE
WE’D LIKE TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO THANK THE CTHONIC CHAMBER FOR PROVIDING THESE FANTASTIC LUDENS TO AMPLIFY OUR VOICEs!
 
 GROMMUK
THAT’S RIGHT SNARGLE! BEFORE THE LUDENS NO MATTER HOW LOUD WE SHOUTED, NOONE WOULD LISTEN! JUST LIKE YOUR WIFE SNARGLE!
 
 NANDA
Ma’am. It might be worth us cutting our losses… Dec did murder an Uruk guard in cold blood. There is no reason for us to lose both of our fighters…and this is attracting a great deal of attention…attention it might be best for us to avoid.
 
 ADDISON
Nanda… I was sceptical at first too. It felt like things were getting out of hand and there was no real narrative direction… but… you heard what Shain said. He is stepping up to defend his comrade in arms! Could we really let this moment be cut from the annals of our legend? I rather think it makes up for the chaos, all things considered.

NANDA
Ma’am… if the Peace Council find out about any of this…

ADDISON
You worry too much Nanda. What would your teachers at the temple say?
 
 NANDA
[sigh] They would tell me… “Breathe in the chaos of the world, exhale the symphony of existence”
 
 ADDISON
How are you supposed to do that if you are constantly trying to keep everything on tidy rails?
 
 NANDA
Yes, ma’am.
 
 ADDISON
You know Nanda, it is usually the role of the Nall to advise this sort of thing.
 
 NANDA
Quite...Ma’am.
 
 SNARGLE
AND ANOTHER THING! MY WIFE IS A GODSDAMNED ANGEL! IF YOU EVER SPEAK ABOUT HER AGAIN! SO HELP ME GROMMUK I WILL-
 
 GROMMUK
AND HERE HE COMES! 21 HANDS TALL AND 31 STONE OF RAW UNADULTERATED MURDER MUSCLE! TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURBOMURDERBUUUUUUUUUUUTCHER!!!!!!!!!!
 
 SNARGLE
THAT’S A BIG OLD PIECE OF URUK!
 
 GROMMUK
JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER!
 
 SNARGLE
THAT’S IT! I CHALLENGE YOU TO COMBAT!
 
 GROMMUK
YOU’RE ON!
 
 [The two war cry and charge each other]
 
 [crowd goes wild]
 
 SHAIN
Wow…he’s…he’s really very big…
 
 CINNTE
Yes. Yes he is.
 
 SHAIN
I mean…really very big….
 
 CINNTE
Yes.
 
 SHAIN
Like… as wide as he is tall…
 
 CINNTE
With hardened skin and sharpened tusks…. yes Shain…
 
 SHAIN
Well… I mean… it’s fine… I’ll just dance around a bit… tire him out ya’know.
 
 [sounds of SNARGLE being choked out]

GROMMUK
[Panting heavily as he keeps snargle in a choke hold] APOLOGIES FOR THE INTERRUPTION FOLKS! IT LOOKS LIKE THEY ARE OPENING ‘THE PIT OF MEGADEATH!’  A GAPING CHASM OF HOPELESSNESS (JUST LIKE SNARGLE’S LIFE) FILLED WITH SPIKES AND THE DREADED KERRET BEAST- WOAH!
 
 [SNARGLE REVERSES THE HOLD AND START CHOKING GROMMUK]
 
 [GROMMUL CHOKING AND RESISTING]
 
 SNARGLE
[sore throat and out of breath] THAT WILL REALLY REDUCE MOBILITY FOR THE FIGHTERS, WHO WILL BE FORCED TO EITHER WALK THE NARROW ROPE BRIDGE OR JUMP BETWEEN THE PRECARIOUS PLATFORMS!
 
 SHAIN
Shit.
 
 CHANCELLOR
Challenger! Choose your weapon!
 
 SHAIN
Ummm. Can I have my sword back please?

CHANCELLOR
You have been provided an assortment of weapons on the wall behind you. You may choose…
 
 SHAIN
Yeah…no… I saw those… they are all…well they are comically oversized and completely unwieldy…so if I could just have my sword ba-

CHANCELLOR
The challenger has opted for unarmed combat!
 
 SHAIN
Woahwoahwoah!
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
[Scream of unbridled joy] I AM GONNA TEAR OFF YOUR FUCKING LIMBS SQUISHY

CHANCELLOR
COMBAT BEGINS!
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
[battle cry and charge across narrow bridge]
 
 SHAIN
ooooooooooooh shiiiiiiiiiiiiit!
 
 CINNTE
The platform! Jump quick!
 
 SHAIN
Right! {sounds of effort as Shain jumps and lands on the platform]
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
RAAAAH! GET OVER HERE!
 
 SHAIN
[snarky] Why don’t you come and get me!
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
Ha! [Sits down]
 
 SHAIN
What… what are you doing?
 
 GROMMUK
LOOKS LIKE THE CHALLENGER IS TRYING TO LURE TURBOMURDERBUTCHER INTO A BATTLE OF DEXTERITY ACROSS THOSE PLATFORMS, SNARGLE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[SOUND OF BUZZING FLIES]

GROMMUK

I THINK YOU’RE RIGHT SNARGLE. TURBOMURDERBUTCHER SHOULD JUST WAIT FOR THE KERRETBEAST TO CHEW THROUGHT THE BASE OF THE PLATFORM AND SEND THE CHALLENGER CAREERNING TO HIS DEATH

SHAIN

What?

[sound of Kerret snarling and tearing and biting below]
 
 SHAIN
What…the…fuck is that?!
 
 [Sound of the platform beginning to fall]
 
 CINNTE
SHAIN MOVE!
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER

[Laughing maniacally]
 
 GROMMUK
THE CHALLENGER IS NOW JUMPING BETWEEN THE PLATFORMS HOPING TO MOVE AWAY BEFORE THE KERRET BEAST CAN ATTACK THE BASE.
 
 SNARGLE
[flies buzzing]

GROMMUK
THAT’S RIGHT SNARGLE, AT THIS RATE TURBOMURDERBUTCHER WONT EVEN HAVE TO LIFT A FINGER. THIS CHALLENGER IS CLEARLY A STUPID STUPID MAN.
 
 SHAIN

[Sounds of effort as he jumps between the platforms, balancing on each one precariously before jumping to another]
 
 CINNTE
STOP JUMPING AROUND LIKE AN IDIOT AND GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!

SHAIN
THAT’S HIS SIDE!

CINNTE
AND HE’S ON YOUR SIDE!

SHAIN
Oh…. Yeah… [two more jumps]

GROMMUK
LOOKS LIKE WE’RE BACK TO THE STARTING POSITION WITH THE CONTENDERS HAVING SWITCHED PLACES EITHER SIDE OF THE PIT OF MEGADEATH! I THINK THE CHALLENGER IS STARTING TO REALISE THAT HE IS OUT OF OPTIONS.
 
 CINNTE
PICK UP A GODS DAMNED WEAPON SHAIN!!!

GROMMUK
TURBOMURDERBUTCHER LOOKS TO BE RELISHING THIS. SAUNTERING CASUALLY ACROSS THE NARROW ROPE BRIDGE, LIMBERING UP TO TEAR THE SPINE STRIGHT FROM THE CHALLENGER’S SQUISHY BODY

TURBOMURDERBUTCHER

[cracking knuckles and neck] THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN! [laughing maniacally]
 
 SHAIN
FUCKFUCKFUCK! No ranged weapons! No polearms! And the swords are nearly the same size as me! Fuck it!
 
 GROMMUK
IT SEEMS THE CHALLENGER IS ATTEMPTING TO WEILD AN IGAZI CLAYMORE! A BOLD CHOICE FOR SUCH A WEAK, LITTLE MAN!
 
 SHAIN
[Grunting and groaning as he drags the blade across the ground toward the rope bridge]

TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
[laughing hysterically] HAHAHAHAH! LITTLE SQUISHY RENFOLK! HAHAHAHAH! IS IT HEAVY?
 
 SHAIN
[grunting with great effort, lifts the sword up to his shoulder and rests it there] [out of breath] There we go…I’ve got you now… You’re on the rope bridge unarmed and I’m here with a great big sword! Surrender! I’ve…. won!
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! I tell you what squishy… I’ll stand right here. I won’t even move. If you can swing the Igazi, I’ll accept my death willingly.
 
 SHAIN
Or…or….you could just surrender and we can call this a day. Noone has to swing any heavy swords… no one has to be hit by any heavy swords…we can all just go home and call it a day.
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
If you don’t swing that sword… I am going to pry it from your hands and spit roast you on it!
 
 SHAIN
Right… okay then… you asked for it…hnnnnggggggggggggggggggggggggggg! [Shain struggles against the immense weight of it as he tries to swing it and drops it to the ground] gah!
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! IS THAT REALLY ALL YOU’VE GOT!?
 
 [TURBOMURDERBUTCHER EFFORTLESSLY PICKS UP THE SWORD]
 
 CINNTE

SHAIN! RUN!
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
ANY LAST WORDS?
 
 SHAIN
Just…get it over with.
 
 CINNTE
De Ara! You can’t let this happen! Stop this!
 
 ADDISON
I’m sure Shain will execute some last-ditch manoeuvre and reverse the fates any moment now!
 
 CINNTE

He is going to be killed!
 
 NANDA
I’m sorry Cinnte… the die is cast.
 
 CINNTE
NO IT ISN’T!  I WON’T LET HIM DIE: [begins casting] Incalgas tulrias! Lagoa trenost-
 
 VEHLO WARDEN:
[sigh] Nulla…
 
 CINNTE
mmmmm….mmmmmmm…mmmmm [muffled and unable to speak the incantations]
 
 GROMMUK
TURBOMURDERBUTCHER IS MILKING THIS MOMENT FOR EVERY DROP! HIS PATHETIC, WEAK, HUMILATED QUARRY IS HELPLESSLY KNEELING AT HIS FEET!
 
 SHAIN
You’ve had your fun…come on…end this…
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
[regular voice hushed] Hey man… this may just be like a one-time thing for you… but this is like my job…so I’d appreciate it if you let me do my thing…

SHAIN
Oh… sorry…sure…

TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
[To crowd] YEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

---
 
 VEHLO WARDEN
How fortunate I was here.

CINNTE
 [enraged mumbling] MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!MMMMMMMMMM!!!
 
 ADDISON
and who are you mysterious stranger? Another whimsical secondary character here to add comic relief?
 
 VEHLO WARDEN
[inward smile] Hmmm. Not quite. 
 
 PHEATRA
He's a Warden of the Household.
 
 NIKHOL
From the Vehlo Families.
 
 NANDA
ah…well… sir… it was indeed fortunate you were here to prevent a tragic, unnecessary and completely illegal and unsanctioned use of the Velho gift in this very public place…
 
 VEHLO WARDEN
Indeed it was. Enjoy the rest of the show.
 
 GROMMUK
IT REALLY DOES FEEL LIKE HES TEABAGGING THE POOR FELLOW AT THIS POINT! THE SHOWBOATING HAS COMPLETELY EXCEEDED THE BOUNDS OF GOOD TASTE! JUST HOW WE LIKE IT AT THE REACH BATTLE ARENA! OH! IT LOOKS LIKE TURBOMURDERBUTCHER IS SETTING UP FOR THE COUP DE GRACE.

TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
[REGULAR VOICE] If you start a big scream just as I start to swing it’ll sound really cool when it abruptly cuts off along with your head…the people love that shit…
 
 SHAIN
Right… sure…
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
Alright… Here! We! Go! RAH!
 
 SHAIN
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
 
 [Swing and slices rope]
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! [Falling]
 
 GROMMUK
AND WHAT IS THIS?! IN AN INCREDIBLE TWIST OF FATE! THE CHALLENGER HAS SIMPLY DUCKED THE COUP DE GRACE! TURBOMURDERBUTCHER HAS CUT STRAIGHT THROUGH THE ROPE BRIDGE SUPPORTS AND HAS TUMBLED INTO THE PIT OF MEGADEATH! PRESUMABLY TO HIS SWIFT AND BRUTAL END ON THE SPIKES BELOW!
 
 TURBOMURDERBUTCHER
[Horrified screams as Kerret tears into his flesh and devours him] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
 
 GROMMUK
NO SUCH LUCK LADIES AND GENTLMEN! IT SEEMS TURBOMURDERBUTCHER HAS SURVIVED THE FALL AND WILL INSTEAD BE KILLED SLOWLY OVER MANY DAYS BY THE UNNATURALLY CRUEL, BARBARIC, YET LOVEABLY SOFT AND CUDDLY INSTINCTS OF THE KERRET BEAST!
 
 CINNTE
MMMMM! MMMMM! MMM!
 
 VEHLO WARDEN
RENULLA!
 
 CINNTE
[panting angry/scared]
 
 VEHLO WARDEN
Something to say Vehlo? No? Well… then I shall take my leave.
 
 PHEATRA
Cinnte…are you?
 
 CINNTE
It’s nothing! [changing focus to Shain] SHAIN! SHAIN!
 
 ADDISON
It’s been quite the dramatic day so far!
 
 NANDA
Quite… Ma’am.
 
 GROMMUK
AND THE CROWD ARE FURIOUS AT THE DECEITFUL, PERFIDIOUS AND DOWNRIGHT COWARDLY DISPLAY OF TRECHERY WHICH HAS ENDED THE CONTEST! BUT THERE IS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT! THE CHALLENGER HAS WON! AND THE PEOPLE OF REACH WILL BE TALKING OF THIS BATTLE FOR JARNS TO COME!
 
 CINNTE
SHAIN!
 
 SHAIN
Told you I could best any Uruk!
 
 CINNTE
You! Absolute! IDIOT! [Slap]
 
 SHAIN
Ow! Gods! I won didn’t I!?
 
 ----
 
 [POG IS RUMMAGING THROUGH THE BAGS TRYING TO FIND THE ARTEFACT WHILST CHATTING WITH REE]
 
 REE
Pog… are you sure you want to be doing this whilst your friend is-?
 
 POG
[Rummaging] I am sure it was in….hmmm?... [turning attention to Ree] oh…well…Will my worry make a difference to their fate?
 
 REE
I suppose not…but…
 
 POG
[Rummaging] Has Flavian been in here? Everything has been moved around…[sigh] Whatever the outcome…at some point we’re going to have to actually get back to the mission at hand… and there is no guarantee we are still going to be welcome in Reach once all is said and done. 
 
 REE
I suppose you’re right… I’m not sure my order will take too kindly to me helping you with this either… given the circumstances.
 
 POG
Best be getting to it whilst they’re all distracted then…ah! Here it is!
 
 [Pulls out the MacGuffin]
 
 REE

Pog…?
 
 POG
This bad boy blew up half a village and spawned a great tentacled creature from some realm beyond our own!
 
 REE
Pog….
 
 POG
It clearly holds some sort of arcane charge… so I suspect blood magic may have been used to infuse it…
 
 REE
POG!
 
 POG
Sorry! Sorry! I got ahead of myself…
 
 REE
You have no idea what you have in your hands… do you?
 
 POG
My working theory is that it’s a religious relic infused with taboo blood magicks. Maybe a ‘Pre-Fall’ artefact.
 
 REE
Come with me Pog.
 
 [Library]
 
 POG
Where are we going?
 
 REE
The ancient lore section.
 
 [rifling through bookshelf]
 
 POG
You don’t need to keep me in suspense you know… we had a good 10 minute walk over here where a lot of this could have been-
 
 REE
Here. [Pulls out book and blows off dust]
 
 POG
The Fall: A Treatise on the Fragments.
 
 REE
You know this book?
 
 POG
I do. It was the first major treatise published by The Nymphaeum at Celis.
 
 REE
Do you recall what it’s hypothesis on the fall was?
 
 POG
Heavily contested…but something about the gods leaving behind a way to connect or commune with them.
 
 REE
Yes. Specifically an Artefact called the Enneagon- which was entrusted to a select group to help guide La Tari through it’s dark age…
 
 POG
And you think…this is the Enneagon?

REE
Well..
 
 POG
It doesn’t have the right number of-
 
 REE

Come with me.
 
 POG
Where are we going now!?
 
 REE
Why are all the books piled up in the…
 
 POG
Oh… my friends were-
 
 REE
Here.
 
 POG
The Ogone?
 
 REE
We had been looking for the Enneagon for almost a century. When the Kabouters dug up the Ogone we were certain that it must have been-
 
 POG
Waitwaitwaitwait…what? So the Kabouter’s have the Enneagon?! The thing that talks to the gods or-
 
 REE
Well…that’s what I thought at first! I petitioned the Chthonic Chamber dozens of times to let me come and study it and confirm… but they refused… in fact they wrote me a pretty rude letter accusing me of ‘superstitious nonsense’ and ‘whipping up hysteria’…
 
 POG
So…
 
 REE
Well I was pretty upset about the whole thing…but then one of the adventurers I had sent to the Darklands came back with evidence that the Enneagon is in Emedu. Bequeathed into the care of the Emeduan Crown!
 
 POG
Right…
 
 REE
So you can see where I am going with this, right!? 
 
 POG
There is more than one Enneagon.
 
 REE
Well… or artefacts like it! Holy Relics from the last age, remnants left behind by the gods to-
 
 POG
I’m sorry Ree… this is nonsense.
 
 REE
What?!
 
 POG
I showed you a shiny black rock and told you a pretty story and you start connecting the dots like some mad magician. There is nothing which connects this artefact to the others other than it being a shiny rock.
 
 REE
A shiny rock with powerful latent arcane energy. How many of those do people just stumble over Pog?!
 
 POG
I want this to be something too Ree… but you are making a lot of pretty big jumps in logic here. We’ve barely started investigating- [cut off]
 
 REE
SOMEONE HAS TO GET THIS STORY BACK ON TRACK!
 
 POG
Woah! What? What Story?
 
 REE
What… I don’t know what…Pog…why do I have the artefact… I don’t remember…
 
 POG
I…I have no idea.

----
 
 TRAN
H…
 
 HERRAND
Yes, Tran.
 
 TRAN
Is this village were going to…is it…is it Lyndon? Like the Lyndon.

HERRAND
Yes mate, I believe it is. But keep your trousers on. We’re here to find and extract the asset. No fucking about.
 
 TRAN
Right…yeah…obviously.. but if like…if he’s not here… we can at least stay the night, right?
 
 HERRAND
Do you really want to us to add ‘oh and I’m sorry we’re late’ to any sentence that starts with ‘Sorry Dark Father- we failed’…
 
TRAN
Good point…
 
 HERRAND
Should be just over this….
 
 [Village wreck]
 
 TRAN
What…the…fuck…
 
 HERRAND
What the fuck happened here?
 
 [Canter into town]
 
 TRAN
the place is abandoned… half the village is destroyed…
 
 [Mage Dad muttering}
 
 HERRAND
Sounds like someone is here. Follow me.
 
 MAGEDAD
 [Improvised mad mutterings about the artefact and his son who is now a stain on the ground]
 
"Gone, gone, all gone… Just like Farrel! Poof! Like a puff of smoke… or maybe more like a squashed pumpkin, haha! Where's that blasted artifact? It’s playing hide and seek like a pixie in the pantry!"

"I had it right here... or was it there? Maybe it’s hiding under Farrel's arm… oh wait, silly me, Farrel’s arm is over there! Haha! Disarmed and discombobulated, what a delightful disaster!"

"Oh, what a mess we've made, Farrel! Your blood, your limbs, your… your everything! And me? Losing my mind over a bauble! A bauble! Hahaha, they say heads will roll, but who knew they'd splat?"

"That artifact… so shiny, so powerful! If I could just remember where I put it… or did it put itself somewhere? They say it has a mind of its own. Well, it’s certainly as mad as I am, haha! A mindless masterpiece!"

"Maybe Farrel knows! Oh wait, he’s a bit tongue-tied at the moment... Not much help, are you, son? But I’m sure you’d lend a hand if you could! Lend a hand… Haha, oh, that’s rich!"

"Let’s see, let’s see... Farrel, do you think it’s hiding in your other arm? Oh, never mind, that one’s misplaced too! Misplaced, like my marbles! But who needs marbles when you have… wait, what was I looking for again?"

"It’s a real knee-slapper, this one… though I think I might have misplaced the knee! Haha! Oh, Farrel, always in pieces! Just like that artifact… shattered, scattered, like crumbs for the crows! Haha!"

"Well, Farrel, I guess it’s just you, me, and the mystery of the missing artifact! Maybe it’s hiding in plain sight, or maybe… maybe it’s taken flight! Yes, yes, flying away on wings of madness! Haha! We should’ve tied it down, like your other leg… oh wait, never mind!"

TRAN
FUUUUUCK!
 
 HERRAND
What the… [stops to listen for a while]
 
 TRAN
Is this him? Is this the guy?
 
 HERRAND
Aye… this is him.
 
 TRAN
And is that…
 
 HERRAND
If I had to guess…I’d say it’s his kid… plus a few others…
 
 TRAN
That’s fuckin’ grim.
 
 HERRAND
[Whistle] Hey! Dickhead! Remember me?
 
 MAGEDAD
"Dickhead, you say? Haha! A head like mine—filled with dicks, ticks, and tricks! Oh yes, I remember you, old friend… or was it fiend? The lines, they blur, they swirl, they dance!"

"You came for the shiny thing, didn’t you? The trinket, the treasure, the bauble of doom! Yes, yes, I was supposed to bring it to you, wasn't I? But, oh, the voices—they whispered, they shouted! 'Keep it! Hold it! Love it!' Haha, and so I did!"
 
 HERRAND
Where is the fuckin’ remnant? Where. Is .it!?
 
 MAGEDAD

"Ran away, did I? Oh yes, like a rat with cheese! But this cheese… it’s got a bite! It nibbles at the mind, oh yes, just like Farrel here! Haha! Nibbles and gnaws, gnaws and nibbles!"

"But tell me, my dear dick-headed companion, Have you come to reclaim what’s rightfully yours? Or… or are you here for a chat? I do love a good chinwag, especially when there’s only one chin left to wag, haha!"
 
 HERRAND
Aye. The Fuckin’ Artefact. Give it here and I might still let ye walk away.
 
 MAGEDAD

"You want the artifact? Well, you might say it’s… at hand! Haha! Or maybe it’s… a foot! Oh wait, no, that’s Farrel’s! But don’t worry, it’s around here somewhere… or maybe everywhere! Bits and bobs, odds and ends, scattered to the winds! Just like your patience, I bet! Haha!"

"So, what now, oh mercenary of mine? Will you fight a madman for his prize? Or will you join me in my little game? Finders keepers, losers… well, they lose more than their sanity! Haha!"

"Come, come! Let’s see who’s the bigger fool—me, for keeping the cursed thing, or you, for thinking you could ever get it back! Haha!"
 
 TRAN
He’s completely off the deep end.
 
 HERRAND
Aye… and he hasnae got the fuckin’ remnant…
 
 TRAN
What do you want to do H?
 
 HERRAND
I’m nae goin’ back empty handed. Let’s find the cunts that lived here and make them talk. Someone will know something.