As the year nears its end most of us start looking ahead to what we want to create for our futures. I am all about setting goals and dreaming big, but sometimes to do that we need to look back and decide what we want to retire. What do you want to decide to let go of as you move forward? I am looking at four beliefs that I am ready to say goodbye to as I grow into the next version of me.
Where to find me:
Connect with me on Instagram
Check out my website
Sign up for a free consult
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As the year nears its end most of us start looking ahead to what we want to create for our futures. I am all about setting goals and dreaming big, but sometimes to do that we need to look back and decide what we want to retire. What do you want to decide to let go of as you move forward? I am looking at four beliefs that I am ready to say goodbye to as I grow into the next version of me.
Where to find me:
Connect with me on Instagram
Check out my website
Sign up for a free consult
LinkTree
Welcome to " You need a coach bitch with Chris Hale. I'm your host Chris Hale. I'm a certified life coach that helps queer creatives. Take their passion, turn it into a purpose and get paid. If you are looking to make an impact on the world with your work by dismantling internalized, oppressive thought systems by using coaching spirituality and a lot of cursing, you are in the right place.
So let's get to work.
Hey friends, how's it going? I'm okay. I have gone through a lot of different emotional states in the last week, um, but right now, in this moment I am doing pretty good. I did wanna take a moment to acknowledge the loss of Twitch. Um, Steven Twitch boss. Um, it was a shock to, I know the world, but especially the dance community.
Of which I will always be a part of. I have, um, people very close to me who are close to him and, you know, seeing the way that his passing has impacted the world is quite amazing. So many people have a. Posted and are saying beautiful things about him. And I just wanna send out so much love and light to the people who are directly affected by his passing.
His wife Allison, who we've met several times, um, their children, their families. Loss is always difficult and especially when it comes on suddenly. And I wanna offer just a little bit of perspective around support. Both like with grieving, I think grief support is something that we are not super good at.
And also what it means to be a support to someone who is like having a hard time with their mental health and. I did a reel on this, um, which is on my Instagram, but I think it warrants like a, a little more of a fleshed out discussion. So I'm just gonna do that here right now before we get into the topic of the day.
But, um, We are not good at grief. I read a book a few years ago by Megan and Divine called It's Okay that You're Not Okay. And her partner died suddenly out of nowhere. I think he was 40 and right that kind of sudden, unexpected, tragic loss, um, hits in a really like weird and hard and complicated way. And she noticed that people had a hard time.
Like talking to her about it, the things that they were saying were well-intentioned, but not necessarily exactly supportive. So, Whether you're thinking about reaching out to someone who is grieving, if you are grieving, um, or if you know someone, I've seen a lot of people on social media, you know, write stories and, and comments and things saying like, if you need someone, if you need support, please reach out to me.
But we wanna first check in with ourselves and see if we are. Able to be support for someone else. And so really consider like what are the skills or tools you have if you're going to offer yourself as someone that people can lean on. And what I mean by this is one of the things that we all need to do is become a little bit more comfortable with negative emotion.
Because often when someone is seeking support, especially if they're in distress and they come to you or someone else who has not created, um, A better relationship around negative emotion, you're likely to want to try to make that person feel better. But if someone is really in a space where, for instance, they're having a lot of negative thoughts about themselves.
right? Like, I'm ugly, I'm unattractive, I'm unlovable. Like all like these kinds of thoughts that might be coming up, that might be the source of a lot of pain for them turning around and saying something like, oh my God, no, you're so lovable. Think about all the people that love you. Don't think that way isn't going to be helpful or supportive, right?
It's going to try to shift their emotional state. and we wanna ask ourselves why we're doing that. And usually it's because we are uncomfortable with their negative emotion and the way we feel when someone is feeling negative. So we need to become more like, Comfortable with their own negative emotion to be able to sit with someone in their negative emotion, right?
To be able to validate their experience. Like, I'm so sorry that you're feeling that way. I'm so sorry that you're thinking those things about yourself. I know that must be really hard for you. Like even just doing that for someone can be super, super helpful. But we're not taught how to do that because we're not taught how to be okay with negative emotion.
We live in a very toxically positive culture that always wants to put that spin on it. We're like, there's always a bright side or what's the lesson here? And. that Al isn't always the most effective way to be with someone when they're going through something. So if you feel like you need a little bit more education around what it looks like to be supportive for someone, there's so many tools out there.
Um, I had to do two different suicide prevention courses. One when I was, um, An instructor at a university and the other one when I was being certified as a life coach, which just helps with like looking for the signs that someone's in distress, um, how to talk to somebody, what to do, and I think really helps.
To educate us on how to show up for someone. And obviously there's always stuff online. There's always stuff on Instagram. The book that I read, it's okay that you're not Okay, is another great resource that can just help to shift the way that you think about grieving death, mental health, and all these topics that we aren't usually super equipped to.
Within ourselves or with other people. So that being said, if you need any support or more additional resources, feel free to reach out to me and I can help direct you to some of the ones that maybe I know about, or just do a search for you in your area, like I'm here to help in whatever way that I can.
today I want to talk about completing things as the end of the year draws near, I've been thinking a lot about like how I wanna close it out, and I came to the conclusion that instead of thinking forward right, and setting lots of goals for 2023 and making resolutions, I wanted to look back for a moment and decide what I'm leaving in 2022.
Like, what's gonna stay there? Like, bye girl. So the question I'm answering. Is, what am I completing as I head into a new year? And you can ask yourself this question too, right? Like if you're, if you have a moment and you wanna just press pause, just like, think about it for a second. Like, what are you, what do you want to complete?
What do, what does? What feels like it has come to a natural end for you? What are you letting go? , the first thing I'm letting go of is not trusting my own unique flow. I am the authority on me and I am the one that knows how I work best and what I need to keep going. And I also get to decide if going is what I wanna keep doing.
And this is where I get to sit down and really look at the shoulds and unconscious commitments I've made and decide what stays and what it's time to retire. In doing this, one of the first. That needs to be acknowledged is like toxic capitalism and hustle culture because we've all been sold on the idea that we need to be productive and our output determines are worth, but that mindset only really benefits the people at the top of these corporate structures that benefit.
Off of the work of other people and don't, and they don't share the wealth with those people. So that's sort of the, the basis for the way our society works. Right? That's the model. And we can bring that model into our own businesses, even if the only person that's working in our business is ourself, right?
So I'm at the top because I'm alone in my business, but the way that this impacts me is that I beat myself up if I'm not able to produce like brilliant content hourly. And coach my client and market and sell all day and spend time with my husband and take care of my geriatric dog and clean my house and have a social life and be on top of my mental health and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right?
If I don't feel like I can do all of those things and do them like at the top, right, like perfectionism comes in here, if I can't do all of those things right, I am making that mean something about my worth. And that's just not necessary. That's not, uh, an idea that I need to bring in to working in my own business.
When I'm not listening to my natural rhythms. I'm recreating this patriarchal like white supremacist paradigm inside my own life and business, and that I'm feeling like a failure because I'm not capable of doing all those things without a lot of coffee, lots of naps, maybe some cocaine. Just kidding. I don't do coke.
And so what might be helpful? Is to look at the thoughts that aren't serving me here. I feel like a failure, right? That's that's a thought, right? I can't feel like a failure. Failure's not a feeling, it's a thought, but when I'm thinking I'm failing at being the most perfect entrepreneur, I miss all the things I am doing that are perfectly exactly the way I function.
and those are the things that make my business work for me. And if I keep working that way, I am creating a business that I am able to sustain. So I miss the truth of what my flow actually is. When I'm thinking it needs to look differently, it moves me further away from feeling successful and accomplished.
Because I'm not focusing on the wins, I'm only seeing the losses that, let's be honest, aren't the way I wanna be running things. But I'm using circumstances against me that I don't even want to be participating in. So these are some of the things that show, right, this unconscious commitment I have to the thought that I don't know the right way to do something.
So I look to others as a guide, and when I do that, I believe I should be posting regularly. Right? That's a thought buried in there, but why? Currently, most of my clients are not coming to me because they are following me on social media. Also, there are other ways to meet people that I could explore if I wanted to.
Social media does not have to be the entirety of it. So if I can build more belief consciously around me, knowing instinctively what works for me, then I can start to dismantle the unconscious belief that I have to seek those answers from others. and now I can hear you thinking . What if I don't know what works for me?
Well, here is the thing you absolutely do. It's whatever lights you up. The things that will be our most useful strategies and actions are the things we're naturally excited about. , but we're just so good at squashing our own excitement that we often miss what lights us up. We'll have an idea. We'll feel that surge of energy, that feels like a thrill, and then we start to question it.
What if it doesn't work? No one else is doing this. Why would I think I could? What if people think I'm crazy or annoying or insert whatever thing that you're. People are gonna think about you. That is why you don't go after what is calling to you from inside the house, right? You are just investing in building more self-doubt than self-confidence.
You don't have to make the presence of these thoughts that are really just questions and totally bad ones at that you don't have to let that sway you away from what you want. We routinely talk ourselves out of the things that we know would light a fire under. And that's really just because they'll be new.
So your brain automatically interprets them as dangerous, but you can be onto yourself and not believe every thought that you think. So the next thing I'm giving up on in 2023, or leaving in 2022 or however you want to think about it, is hyper. I depend. now specifically in my business, but also bleeding into my personal life a little bit.
This is a protective mechanism I develop that my brain really thinks keeps me safe, but what it actually does is contribute to my burnout. This goes hand in hand with not trusting my own flow. I have to first be very honest with myself about what my capacity is, how I work best, and where I want to intentionally push past my comfort zones.
And once I do that, then I'm left with things I wanna accomplish that I might not have the bandwidth to physically execute myself. So then I can decide, right, that I'm either going to wait on doing those things or I'm gonna seek outside assistance, which in the past would've been an absolute no. That's because there's an unconscious commitment here that I quote, unquote, have to do it all myself.
My brain believes that generally from the space of trying to keep me safe and not believing that I can trust others. But I also picked this up from messaging within the coaching community, that being a solopreneur means doing it all with no. Right. I have to be able to create content, post the content, do consults, schedule networking, coach my clients, learn Facebook ads, create the funnel, manage the funnel, engage with my list, manage the list, right?
So like there's so many things and I've heard a lot of times that you can get to a hundred K without hiring anyone. So naturally not trusting my own flow and what works for me, I thought that I should be able to do. Well, the people doing that are very different from me, and I found out are very few and far between, so I'm breaking up with that thought that I need to do it all myself.
I actually posted about this in a coaches group that I'm in on Facebook, and I got so many comments from people either saying that they had help in certain areas, that they got help early on. Two, like people saying that like it's what they needed to hear to give themselves permission to not go it alone.
So I felt really good about putting that out into the world because I think that more people need to hear, like, we need to hear more diverse messages about what it means to own your own business. . I feel like it's a little harder to do in my personal life, but I've started to slowly ask my husband for help with things around the house that before I would've totally done myself, , I saw this insane video of a woman trying to, to wallpaper the ceiling of her dining room by herself.
She was standing on a chair and like scooting herself along like by her feet and like holding up the wallpaper and trying to like, Run it across the ceiling. And I just laughed out loud because that is the kind of thing that I would be convinced I could handle on my own. Like without a doubt, I could hang wallpaper on my ceiling by myself without any type of assistance,
And I saw that video and in that moment I was like, this fucking looks ridiculous. Um, so yeah, I'm, I'm slowly coming around to the idea that like, there are certain projects that. I would not only benefit from having assistance, but like absolutely 100% cannot do alone. So the next two things that I wanna leave behind, they, they kind of go together, and I'm sure they do connect to the first two in some way.
So one is playing small, and the second is like an attachment to security slash comfort. So what does it mean to play small? So I'm gonna define playing small as meaning. , letting fear get in the way of taking the risks that I want to take. And notice I didn't say the risks I know I need to take.
Oftentimes that's how people will phrase it to me. But honestly, I have no idea what risks I need to take and neither do you. That's just another way to be like complete dicks to ourselves, right? To say something like, I know that if I did X, Y, and Z, then I would make so much more money. No, you don't.
That's actually entirely the point. You have no idea what the outcome will be and that's why you aren't doing it, cuz you're fucking terrified. You're afraid because of the uncertainty around the outcome. , you can be certain in your ability to manage your emotions around failure. Remember, failing's not a feeling.
Failing is a series of actions that you take to attempt to create a result and not creating it. That's what failing is, right? You're like, I'm gonna do X, Y, and Z. You do that, you don't get the result that was failing. That's all. And you can only really fail if you. Because if you don't try, you're not failing, cuz you're not taking the actions to try to create a result.
You're avoiding trying to create the result. . And here's the thing, anytime you wanna do something new, you're gonna fail a lot and that's okay. What is not okay is using that as a reason not to start. But the reason we do not do this is because we have committed ourselves to not being uncomfortable.
That's why we need to give up comfort and maybe challenge what our definition of security is, right? So in order to not play small, we have to be willing to be uncom. and we have to look at what we're currently believing creates security. So your job, your clients, your partner, your dog, none of these outside things, these things outside of you bring you security.
the ability to have your own back and be a safe space for yourself when you fail and feel like shit, cuz you will are what bring you security. Learning how to have boundaries when someone is treating you badly creates a sense of trust in yourself that allows you to walk away from that person. Checking in on whether or not you are.
People pleasing and then honoring what you want over what someone else is asking for. Helps you understand deeply that you will be there for yourself when it really counts. So if you do this, then you'll have the emotional bandwidth to play big or bigger than you have been, because you'll be there to catch yourself when you fall.
So, . It really does connect to trusting your flow because when you start that journey, you're gonna make mistakes. When you start the journey of trusting your flow, you're gonna overextend yourself. You're gonna over-indulge in hollow comforts, right? Things that make you feel good in the moment, but actually prevent you from getting to the result that you want.
That's gonna happen, but you can figure it out. You can manage it all. So you can do this with me. You can learn to trust your. You can, if you have been trying to do it all alone, you can learn how to ask for help and lean on other people. You can stop playing small and you can start to lean into the discomfort around creating what you want in the new year.
So maybe you're releasing some of those things and maybe your're relief, seeing other things. What do you wanna shift into as we go into the new year? I would love to hear from you. You could DM me on Instagram or email me at Chris the only chris hale.com. I would love to hear a little bit more about what everybody wants to let go of that is no longer serving them as we walk into 2023.
I hope you have an amazing week, friends.
If you are loving what you're hearing here on, you need a coach, bitch, please subscribe like and share with your friends. And if you want more information on how you can work with me, one on one. Go to theonlychrishale.com where you can find me on Instagram, theonlychrishale.